“You can’t let them send me away, Joe,” Major said. “I am trying to keep you safe.”
“They said you-you-you are a bad boy, but you’re a good boy, a good boy,” Biden said. He and Major were hiding in the remains of Donald’s grand Presidential Terlet Complex, the only place the women let Joe have any privacy.
“I am a good boy,” Major said, staring into Joe’s rheumy eyes. “I keep you safe from HER.” He licked Joe’s scabby knee and whined.
“Her?” Joe asked.
“HER!” Major replied. “Always behind you. Always waiting. HER! HER! HER!”
“Is she…” Joe dropped to the lowest whisper he could make, “Black?”
“HER! HER!” Major barked.
“Is her name ‘Condeleeza?’” Joe asked.
Major whined and turned around three times out of frustration.
“I don’t trust her either,” Joe whispered. “She has a gap in her teeth.”
“Ka. Ma. La!” Major chuffed, gagging on the name.
“Oh, her, she’s OK,” Joe said. He got up off the edge of the ruined Jacuzzi tub and tripped on the deep shag carpet.
“Damn and tarnation!” Joe said, rolling onto his back. Major raced around him, barking, worried.
There was a knock on the door. “Are you OK in there, Mr. President?”
“I’m by myself,” Joe called. “But I’m fine.” Major licked his face, lay down, and put his head on Joe’s chest.
“Kamala’s a friend, boy,” Joe said, stroking the head and neck of Major.
“She smells wrong,” Major said. “Her pack smells wrong too. I nip them to keep them away.” Major growled softly, Joe felt the rumble in his fragile bones and dry organs.
“You can’t keep up this nipping malarky,” Joe said.
“I must to keep you safe. I keep you safe,” Major said.
“They’ll send you back to Delaware if you don’t stop,” Joe said.
Major stood and then raced to the tub and then to the toilet–plain and white and unpresidential–and to the sink and then to the shower stall and then vaulted Joe to stand in front of the door back to the Oval Office.
“What is it, boy?” Joe asked.
“I smell poop. Someone pooped. I need to investigate,” Major said.
Joe slowly pulled himself off of the floor, clutching the edge of the sink and counter.
“OK, OK. Who’s a good boy?” Joe asked, reaching down to rub his ear.
“First, open the toilet lid,” Major said. “I need a drink.”