“You can’t let them send me away, Joe,” Major said. “I am trying to keep you safe.”
“They said you-you-you are a bad boy, but you’re a good boy, a good boy,” Biden said. He and Major were hiding in the remains of Donald’s grand Presidential Terlet Complex, the only place the women let Joe have any privacy.
“I am a good boy,” Major said, staring into Joe’s rheumy eyes. “I keep you safe from HER.” He licked Joe’s scabby knee and whined.
“Her?” Joe asked.
“HER!” Major replied. “Always behind you. Always waiting. HER! HER! HER!”
“Is she…” Joe dropped to the lowest whisper he could make, “Black?”
“HER! HER!” Major barked.
“Is her name ‘Condeleeza?’” Joe asked.
Major whined and turned around three times out of frustration.
“I don’t trust her either,” Joe whispered. “She has a gap in her teeth.”
“Ka. Ma. La!” Major chuffed, gagging on the name.
“Oh, her, she’s OK,” Joe said. He got up off the edge of the ruined Jacuzzi tub and tripped on the deep shag carpet.
“Damn and tarnation!” Joe said, rolling onto his back. Major raced around him, barking, worried.
There was a knock on the door. “Are you OK in there, Mr. President?”
“I’m by myself,” Joe called. “But I’m fine.” Major licked his face, lay down, and put his head on Joe’s chest.
“Kamala’s a friend, boy,” Joe said, stroking the head and neck of Major.
“She smells wrong,” Major said. “Her pack smells wrong too. I nip them to keep them away.” Major growled softly, Joe felt the rumble in his fragile bones and dry organs.
“You can’t keep up this nipping malarky,” Joe said.
“I must to keep you safe. I keep you safe,” Major said.
“They’ll send you back to Delaware if you don’t stop,” Joe said.
Major stood and then raced to the tub and then to the toilet–plain and white and unpresidential–and to the sink and then to the shower stall and then vaulted Joe to stand in front of the door back to the Oval Office.
“What is it, boy?” Joe asked.
“I smell poop. Someone pooped. I need to investigate,” Major said.
Joe slowly pulled himself off of the floor, clutching the edge of the sink and counter.
“OK, OK. Who’s a good boy?” Joe asked, reaching down to rub his ear.
“First, open the toilet lid,” Major said. “I need a drink.”
Talking dogs? let the fun begin,
I’ve posted this before, but…
I’m not here to talk to them! YOU are the hand chosen by the Master! Yours is the feel of blood. Yours is the Sword of Michael!”
I would be disappointed by any other link.
Says the man, who I assume, looks like Brock Samson in real life.
And seconded.
“Says the man, who I assume, looks like Brock Samson in real life.”
Sure, let’s go with that.
What color were the victims of the alleged nipping malarky?
It might be important. If for no other reason than to be kept secret.
They must not have been Asian or we’d have heard.
Bravo!
Do I detect some Subaru Horror Theater DNA in this ep? Love the premise.
Major licked his face, lay down, and put his head on Joe’s chest.
Awwww.
This is gonna end like Old Yeller, isn’t it? GODDAMMIT, no! The dog is the only decent character in this story.
I’m afraid that Joe is going to become rabid and Major will be forced to put him down.
“Become”. That’s cute.
I’m thinking more “Where the Red Fern Grows”
Joe’s gonna pine away after they take Major away?
the remains of Donald’s grand Presidential Terlet Complex
I met a traveler from an antique land…
I’m afraid that Joe is going to become rabid and Major will be forced to put him down.
“The Vice President today announced that President Biden has decided to retire, and go live on a farm somewhere in Delaware.”
But she’s the one foaming at the mouth.
Oh – wait. That’s not foam.
“EEwwwww” /13yo girl voice
It’s frothy, though?
*retches*
Talking dogs? A bridge too far…
Or is it just in Joe’s deteriorating mind…?
To be fair, we had a talking hat and toupee in the previous storyline.
That was a much more magical time, when Trump was POTUS and anything was possible.
That magic is gone and we’ll never see it again.
I love SugarFree Wednesdays!
I love the uncertainty of whether the dog is actually talking, or if it’s in Joe’s head. Just like H&H.
We just recently saw the Hat and the Hair talking without Donald around, I mean, duh, science.
Or, maybe, this is all a dream that DJT is having…
Something Trump would notice.
See? The best stories are a springboard for debate.
Maybe it’s in the dog’s head?
I don’t think Joe even knows the dog’s name most of the time. Someone yesterday said they own the dogs for show, and I suspect that’s probably accurate.
I wonder who the last pet-less president was.
Warren Harding, unless you count Nan Britton.
(This joke was considerably toned down from the original version which used an earlier President)
Five bucks says it was Jefferson.
Andrew Johnson, according to Wikipedia.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_presidential_pets makes for some fascinating reading.
Donald Trump didn’t have any Pets.
Sure he did… Pie was her name.
Trivia: Pie was the name of James Stewart’s horse
The horse wasn’t Jimmy’s.
Ha ha, those early Presidents sure had interesting names for their pets.
Trump didn’t have any pets, unless you count Barron.
He should have gotten a cat.
Nah. Needed a supervillain cat.
Flashes back to the “Choose your own SF adventure”….checks out
I’m wondering if this is going to go into some sort of Son of Sam territory.
I assume this is the poo reference.
One of Biden’s dogs pooped on the floor, per pool
“Champ and Major were spotted in the hallway outside the Palm Room doors in front of the Diplomatic Room. There was dog poo on the floor. It’s unclear which dog was responsible for it”
It was probably Joe.
Some hard-hitting journalisming right there.
The comments are shittier than the story.
Twitter is proof the human race is over. A swirling pool of idiocy none of us deserves to escape.
Even by their own numbers, almost no one uses twitter, and it is nothing close to representative of the populace.
Nope. Shut it down. Let the Earth heal from our stupidity for a few eons. May the fish-skunk people that come after us be more wise.
I will not fall victim to your nihilism.
At worst we need to do some pruning – such as of anyone who thinks twitter is worth anything.
Pruning? Don’t you mean… CLEANSING!
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN CORRECT ONE. YES! LET THE CLEANSING BEGIN! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
These problems tend to be self-solving. However, there is a lot of suffering between now and when the evolutionary dead-ends have become deadfall.
Release the hounds on Ass Wednesday!
https://archive.is/PwPWj
No face diapers. Good.
Go
FundMeFuckYourselfGoFundMe bowed to pressure from progressive activists and deactivated a fundraiser affiliated with a group of Virginia parents fighting the infusion of critical race theory in Loudoun County Public Schools.
Scott Mineo created his GoFundMe in mid-March after a members of a private Facebook group called Anti-Racist Parents of Loudoun County launched an intimidation campaign against a number of parent groups, including his Parents Against Critical Theory. The group compiled a list of parents, identified their spouses and employers, and called for members to find ways to shut down their websites, the Daily Wire reported.
GoFundMe did not specify which term of service Mineo’s page violated. Like other online platforms, GoFundMe can remove any user posts that it deems “in its sole discretion to be unacceptable,” according to its user guidelines. GoFundMe did not respond to the Washington Free Beacon’s request for comment in time for publication.
You know Trump is itching to get into some tech game…screw the socials, open up a crowdsourcing site.
He has a new website.
I like that his slideshow background features his meeting with lil Kim.
How soon until the wokesters come for Cloudflare for daring to be Trump’s CDN?
Still up, hundreds of leftist gofundmes for criminals and racists.
Did that one guy that punted the back of that kid’s head have a legal defense GoFundMe? I would not be surprised in the least.
Interestingly, so is Atilis Gym’s GoFundMe. I donated when it first went live last year.
In other Atilis Gym news.
Of course they did.
At some point, you have to assume they are the enemy and by using them , you’re not helping.
Let’s be honest… if you were a dog, you bite people in the White House and shit on the floor too, right?
… and hump legs during photo ops.
“They will call me JFK Jr Jr!”
Well from what I hear, Checkers got around too.
Woofafud
*Golf Clap*
I am thinking Joe is wishing he was a dog then no one would question his sniffing crotches.
The current White House? I wouldn’t have to be a dog.
Correct but not how you mean.
Michigan Democrat Elissa Slotkin claims Antifa are ‘boogeymen who aren’t there’ and says there is “no equivalent” between Antifa and Proud Boys.
Sure because in a year we didn’t see them hone tactics utilized in riots, develop a uniform look and bear a uniform flag. Other than that, it is just an idea, a boogeyman.
Hooligans doing hooligan things != Murderous mobs committing arson.
Miss Slotkin, are you a liar or are you mentally deficient (sorry, those are the choices)?
And, not or.
Lying to your face
*reads her bio*
Let’s see, born into money, degrees in sociology and international affairs from Cornell and Columbia, recruited by CIA, leaves and runs for Congress
…
Or maybe she’s just stupid like the rest of the “New England WASPs with money” CIA recruits.
“First, open the toilet lid,” Major said. “I need a drink.”
I like the ending.
But when Major gets ass-to-mouth disease, it’s just the beginning.
“We know it is a politically charged trial but the American people deserve to know who these jurors are!”
TW: NYT.
Who Are the Jurors in the Derek Chauvin Trial? It reads like a clarion call for all the internet sleuths to narrow it down to their identities.
A free and fair trial can only be guaranteed by scaring the shit out of the jurors.
Biden’s just suffering from some stomach upset. Here’s a picture of his gaping asshole for those interested.
Timely, reliable data
According to the study released Wednesday, Covid-19 was listed as the underlying cause for 345,323 deaths, killing more Americans than unintentional injuries, strokes, chronic lower respiratory disease, Alzheimer’s disease, diabetes, influenza and pneumonia and kidney disease.
The agency’s early findings were published months ahead of schedule due to “improvements in timeliness and the pressing need for updated, quality data during the global COVID-19 pandemic,” researchers wrote.
We’re not done tormenting you yet.
It’s not over until we say it is.
Covid-19 replaced suicide among the top 10 leading causes of death in the U.S., the study found. Overall, the annual death rate increased by nearly 16% in 2020 compared with a year earlier, the first time it’s grown since 2017, the CDC said.
I wonder how the death rate will be affected into the next few years by deaths drawn forward among the oldest cohort in 2020.
More than offset by late heart and cancer diagnoses, suicides, and overdose deaths.
Some have tried to sow doubt about the true amount of deaths caused by Covid-19, claiming they may have been overstated. However, in a separate CDC study published Wednesday, the agency found that the death certificates accurately reflected the number of reported coronavirus fatalities.
The agency examined death certificates listing Covid-19 and at least one other co-occurring condition. The CDC found that in 97% of the deaths, Covid-19 was reported alongside another condition that was possibly caused by the virus, such as pneumonia or respiratory failure, or significantly contributed to its severity, such as diabetes or hypertension.
A small proportion of them — 2.5% of the certificates — documented conditions that aren’t currently associated with Covid-19, the CDC found.
Died with a pre-existing condition with statistical correlation.
Ole!
3% is not an insignificant amount.
Oh. Case closed, then.
Well, I’m convinced.
Bringing over from dedthred, Hank pointed me to “premeditatio malorum”, which prompted me to write a post.
Thanks, Hank!
I forgot to tell Arby’s not to put tomatoes on my gyro.
“Arby’s gyro”‽ Do you not have Greek people in your part of the world?
The only good Greek restaurant I know of is 30 miles away and an inconvenient 30 miles at that.
Needs must, I suppose.
Gyro aside, a good post. A question for the Stoic experts: were they “expecting bad things to happen” or just visualizing them so they could deal with those things in a graceful manner, in the unlikely event they occurred?
Thanks, and good question. I hadn’t thought of that distinction.
Arby’s’s motto: “We’re slow, but we’re wrong.”
Good post, Mojeaux. It gets one to thinking.
Thanks, Bill.
That was slap-dash, but I’m planning a series on boredom, contentment, happiness, and gratitude.
I think there’s a step missing. Tim Ferriss (himself a big fan of the stoics) has written about this, and his version goes like this:
1) Think about the bad things that could happen.
2) Think of how likely it is for those things to happen. (Usually not very likely).
3) Think of what you would do to deal with those bad things should they occur. (Usually this is more manageable than you think).
I like this.
I will incorporate this into my thinking.
I need to get my wife to work on #2. And #3. She’s got #1 down.
Basic risk management. Two axis scale. 1) How bad can it get? 2) How likely is it to happen?
Four strategies: 1) Accept; 2) Avoid; 3) Mitigate; 4) Transfer (make it someone else’s problem)
Worry about the stuff that matters; deal with the rest of it if and when it happens.
Sounds like any number of CBT-ish books, like Feeling Good and The Worry Cure.
“Worry is negative prayer,” someone once told me: any of you buy that?
Formal training. Systems engineering risk management. Circa 1995.
It turned what was a fuzzy set of ideas in my head into a formal process.
And it became part of my every day life.
I am running scenarios in my head every day regarding just how bad the current administration is going to fuck over my personal life.
1) Govt uses the cover of a virus deadly to old people to triple in size, shred whatever was left of federalism, and impose massive amounts of centralized control not seen in the western world in 30 years since the Berlin Wall came down.
2). Totally out of the realm of possibility. Totally.
3) Not sure.
This stoic stuff sounded a lot more sensible back when things thought to exist only in tin foil hat land are happening on a daily basis.
When i feel myself getting anxious, I usually try to come up with the absolute worst thing that could happen and then think what I would do to deal with it. Then, even if the worst happens, I have a plan. Then I focus on more likely outcomes and how I would deal with those.
It calms me down because no matter what, I have a plan and will manage.
Interesting. I play the “what if? game” in my head all the time, though I’m comfortable with that and am not an anxious person. What tips the scale to anxiety? What makes one act upon such thoughts’ many paths, driving one into prepper mode?
Now, that’s interesting. I hadn’t thought of the “What if?” game as borrowing trouble. I learned that game in karate, and then when I was learning how to ride a motorcycle and realized exactly what “defensive driving” really meant. I don’t find that game stressful.
Perhaps the whatifgame and borrowing trouble are on a spectrum (not *that* spectrum). Could borrowing trouble be dialed down to the whatifgame?
I have various rigs/kits for various things and am constantly tweaking them, discarding some, making new ones, testing them. It’s kinda zen, kind of a hobby, though very practical.
I play “what if” professionally a lot. It’s a necessity when you’re designing a process building a plant that can kill people via release of hazardous energy or substances. Sometimes my colleagues think I go overboard, but always in the back of my mind are the dozens of accident reports I’ve read about disasters in the chemical, power, and aviation industries that whisper in my ear: “look out for the small stuff.”
The holes in the cheese line up in really bad ways sometimes.
Appreciated. https://frinkiac.com/caption/S05E07/1170451
“What if” is the beginning of planning.
Now, if you start obsessing over unlikely bad scenarios or otherwise losing perspective, yeah, that can be unproductive. But the problem isn’t trying to plan ahead, its losing perspective.
“Yesterday was Tuesday”
Maybe Thursday you can sleep?
I definitely think there is serious merit in being prepared for bad things to happen and to have at least an idea of a response, if not a plan, per se, for how to handle those eventualities. However, I have a close friend who spends large amounts of time worrying about just about anything that can go wrong in many aspects of life. Most of the time it isn’t a real problem, but sometimes she can get herself worked up worrying about these things and allows it to snowball to the point where she finds it hard to think about any real response to the imagined situation.
You see this in Buddhism, too. I remember in one book it said people from Eastern philosophies are surprised at how devastating a death can be to someone in the West, as if we have no idea that people die. In that case, it has to do with impermanence. Nothing lasts forever, either good or bad, and when you remind yourself of that every day, the bad things don’t come as a shock.
WE HAVE THE MEATS.
VEGETABLES? NOT SURE.
As I am on low-carb, I’m only eating the meat and veggies out of it anyway, hopefully with some tzatziki sauce.
Mmm, tzatziki.
So I take it you haven’t tried their mac and cheese.
Whose avatar here is a gyro, with the good puffy pita?
Oops, above.
I’m glad you could draw a bit of inspiration from that.
I myself would have to admit to not being a Stoic, but after looking at some of the modern Stoic revivalists and then checking (in English translation) the surviving classics, like Seneca, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, I found their discussion bracing and sometimes (if only by coincidence during a mood swing) find myself thinking in those terms.
TL;DR version – it was a whole philosophical system starting with Zeno (not the tortoise guy, another Zeno) in Athens, then eventually moving to Rome. There’s a whole lot of metaphysical stuff which comes down to us in summaries, and we know there are whole treatises which have simply crumbled to dust by now. What survives – presumably because it was more inspirational – was the ethical stuff.
Focus on what you can control, don’t worry about the things you can’t, do your duty and if others choose to give you a hard time or even kill you because you do your duty, that’s their business and not yours. There’s whole books and Web sites nowadays.
The modern Stoic movement tends tends to soft-pedal the theistic stuff (which came close to pantheism), the rejection of the atomic theory (atoms were pushed by the rival Epicureans), the doctrine of eternal recurrence (the same events repeat over and over to infinity, because if there any variation, that would imply the universe wasn’t perfect the way it was, which is unthinkable), and generally The alleged perfection of the universe (despite deceptive appearance to the contrary).
But really, I’m not recommending it as such, just saying that you can go as deep into the rabbit-hole as you want with an Internet search.
Pretty sure my little dachshund is on her last legs – hasn’t been able to keep any food down in two days, vomiting pure bile now, very lethargic. She’s almost 14, so can’t say any of this is a shock, but it still sucks.
We lost two dogs in the last 18 months. It is very difficult.
Best wishes. We turned around a couple of teenage weenies by throwing money at the e-vet, so I hope there’s something to be done.
We waited several months after the 2nd passed to get over it. Then we got two new puppies last October.
They are a blast. But there is a voice in my head that says 12 years from now you know how this ends.
So sorry to hear it. Been just over a year since we lost our doggo and it still sucks.
I’m so sorry. Doxies are the best. Have you been to the e-vet?
I have a meeting I’m leading at 3:30. I’ll be taking her to the vet shortly thereafter.
I’m very sorry.
Sorry.
So sorry. We lost our little monster a couple of weeks ago, it still hurts and leaves a black hole.
I’m sorry to hear that. It’s so sad to lose a furry friend. The good times are worth it, though.
Sorry, buddy
Sorry Cw. Worst part of being a pet owner imo.
Jesus fucking Christ! Just because a folk song has a nautical theme, it doesn’t automatically make it a fucking sea shanty, you drooling Mongoloid piece of shit! Fuck!
Indeed.
Hipsters ruin everything. And by hipsters i mean [Generic young people who want to think they are on the bleeding edge of every fad because they never grew up past 9th grade].
So what would you do with a drunken sailor?
Put him in the bilge and make him drink it?
Mandate he attend an AA meeting
Ahem…
Mandate he attend an AA meeting
Mandate he attend an AA meeting
Mandate he attend an AA meeting
Early in the morning
Hand him over to Josephus Daniels
Hand him over to Josephus Daniels
Hand him over to Josephus Daniels
Early in the morning
https://www.history.navy.mil/research/library/online-reading-room/title-list-alphabetically/g/general-orders/general-order-no-99-prohibition-in-the-navy.html
Show me the way to go home
https://twitter.com/TeletubbiesHQ/status/1377259542640218113
I knew those rat bastards were playing the brute. Now they’ve gotten away with the big one!
“Glibertarians” is a sexual preference and the background of the Joemala picture is our pride flag.
Prove me wrong.
That’s very 70s. All that’s missing is “avocado green.”
Neil Young’s entire Harvest album begins playing in JI’s head.
My work here is done.
There are a couple of songs on that album I like.
I can’t believe you would be so bigoted HM! I was born this way, it is not a preference!!!
Based and Glibpilled.
Super Glibertarian. Don’t judge my lifestyle.
I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on in the neck area of that picture.
It’s probably better if you don’t. It would likely be something that you can’t un-imagine.
To retain my sanity, I’m just going to imagine something like a Tormach automated carousel tool changer but with only two heads.
That *helps* you retain your sanity?
Well, the only fluids there are lubrication oil and coolant, so yeah, it’s a step up from whatever SF has in mind.
“… Tormach automated carousel tool changer…”
I love it when you talk
dirtymilling machine to me!Someday I will have a Tormach of my own.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069372/
FWIW, that’s the first thing I thought of.
Venture Bros also had a homage
#metoo
I like how you can’t tell which one is the original owner of that body.
But I’m still wondering why their neck is covered by a surgical mask.
To keep Hilary inside.
I’ve always thought it was Harris’s body, on account of the boobs. But, this is SugarFree. so . . . .
To hide the seam, I always thought.
Funny, I was thinking more this.
Not this?
That was tempting.
Does Joe feel up his own boobs?
Of course.
I figured the glibs flag would clear, just like our social calendars.
“be” clear, dammit
That’s hurtful. Accurate, but hurtful.
Drop in once a blue moon and that’s the best shit stirring you have? Do better, HM!
I miss those little half-moon rainbow flags like Bailey Quarters had on her desk.
(uhh… decals)
(uhhhh, speaking of ’70s anyway. Sleep deprivation, QED.)
Bailey Quarters. . . . Yum.
Yusef ditches work,
Yusef takes a nap
Yusef gets Beer and goes Golfing
Yusef gets there and it begins to snow
Yusef leaves after 20 holes due to poor visibility, due to snow,
Welcome to Spring in Michigan….
Yusef ditches work,
I hope you didn’t no-show. Even the most tolerant bosses usually have a pretty short fuse on that.
Noooo, i actually had a very serious issue, I shit my pants, Diarrhea, Boss was cool, called me to see how I was, nice guy.
How’s that for honest….
It happens
Repost of a recent link, since it’s apropos and hilarious.
I did work for 2 hours, then it happened and I told the Boss,
Good to know, I guess?
Carry on.
In times of mild stress…we need a Joemala episodes quicklink on the homepage 😉
It took me a minute on terlet.
I like where this is going. ?