“Thank you, George Floyd, for sacrificing your life for justice. For being there to call out to your mom — how heartbreaking was that — call out for your mom, ‘I can’t breathe.’”

-Nancy Pelosi

 

“Are you happy with this statement, Nan?” Kamala asked as she stalked back and forth behind a sleeping Joe, hand half down his pants, a bowl of cooling justice mush on the desk before him.

“I am very proud-sch of it,” Nancy slurred, her upper plate clapping, her track-marked bingo wings quivering. Vaccines, she had assured them. Just dozens of vaccines.

“I called for conviction and got it,” Joe said suddenly. “I am the moral center of America’s Wisconsin.”

Both women ignored him.

“He was murdered,” Kamala said. “He didn’t volunteer to die for Minnesota’s sins.”

“I can’t breathe!” Nancy said, ripping off her floral mask.

“That’s in very bad taste,” Kamala said.

“I can’t taste anything,” Joe sang. “My tastebuds are too old. They-ey-ey said they would make new ones for me.” When Nancy turned to look out the window, Kamala mimed strangling Joe behind his back. Then she softened, patted his thin hair down on his scabby scalp, and rubbed him affectionately behind one ear.

“I love you, Dr. Jill,” he told her.

 

“Thank you, FedEx workers, for sacrificing your lives for justice. For being there to call out to some Congresspeople — how heartbreaking was that — call out to some Congresspeople, ‘Close the gun-show loophole.’”

 

Nancy looked out the Oval Office window, wondering when someone would finally take a photo of her so Instagram plants could praise it as “iconic.”

“It is days like this thatsh makes me proud to be a Californian,” she said, but no one took the bait.

“Where is Newsweek?!?” she said, stamping her bloated feet.

 

“Thank you, Asian rub-n-tug workers, for sacrificing your lives for Asian justice. For being there to call out to your elderly co-workers — how heartbreaking was that — call out to them, ‘I can’t make a fist.”

 

“Protect Joe,” Major thought. “Protect Joe.” The tension in his body held him rigid under the desk.