My Sear It & Beer It guys just need some editing time, then I can get back to being lazy on Friday nights. Unfortunately, the Cryptids have demanded time tonight – and I always draw the short straw when it comes to hosting. So, now that I am settled in the armored studio control room, we can begin. Let’s go.
ZARDOZ will lead us off. What do you have for us, Big Guy?
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE USUAL FOOLISH ADVICE BRUTAL WILL BE SHOWN TO BE COMPLETELY INFERIOR TO ZARDOZ. BEHOLD!
Q: My daughter is separated from her husband, who rents a room from me. Recently, without telling her, he dropped her from his insurance. Now she wants me to kick him out and she’s mad at me because I refuse to do it. She says it shows I approve of his behavior. She tells me that he’s no good, he used her and he hit on her girlfriend. She’s threatening that if I let him stay, we won’t be close anymore. He pays me on time, and I hardly ever see him because he works at night. I need the rent money, and we have always gotten along great. I say this is my house and I should decide if he leaves. What do you think?
A: ZARDOZ IS NOT PLEASED. THIS IS ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO PUNK HIM. THIS IS REALLY A PLOT LINE FROM A WORN OUT PORONOGRAPHIC FILM TREND, IS IT NOT? HAS ZARDOZ NOT WARNED YOU THAT THE PENIS IS EVIL?! HOWEVER, SINCE THIS IS ADVICE NIGHT, ZARDOZ WILL TREAT THIS AS REAL. TELL YOUR DAUGHTER THAT UNLESS SHE CAN COMPENSATE YOU, NOBODY MOVES. OR, SHE CAN PAY OFF THE ROOM IN GRAIN, DELIVERABLE TO THE VORTEX…THEN ZARDOZ CAN HAVE A FEW BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS COME AROUND AND HAVE A NICE TALK WITH YOUR SON IN LAW.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
OK then. That would be one way to solve that dilemma. Next up, STEVE SMITH. What does our prominent forest lawyer have to say tonight?
STEVE SMITH LIKE GIVE ADVICES. ALMOST AS MUCH AS FIND CAMPER OR HIKER. HIM DECIDE GIVE BETTER ADVICE THAN SILLY HOOMAN “MISS MANNERS“. STEVE SMITH GOOD AT MANNERS. LOOK HOW GOOD HIM ADVICING IS!
Q: My only sibling passed away 18 months ago. She had two daughters, both in their 50s. During the pandemic, one of my nieces planned her wedding for this spring. Why now is anybody’s guess, as she has been living with the man for over 10 years. In chatting with her a few months ago, she made it clear that they only wanted people to attend who did not have to travel by plane — so basically only local family and friends. I live over 1,000 miles away. Both my husband and I are fully vaccinated and would still wear a mask and practice social distancing. I see posts of the couple with friends at their house, maskless. We pose less of a risk than those who will attend who are not vaccinated. I understand it’s “their day, their way,” but what hurt me was how she addressed it. If only she would have said, “You are my only aunt and we would love for you to be there, but we just don’t feel safe having people who were on an airplane.” My relatives who do live there were mortified when they said, “We are looking forward to seeing you both when you come up for the wedding,” and I told them we were not invited. Then I got an invitation to “attend” online via video. I would not want to replace my sister and act like “mother of the bride”; I just was looking forward to being there to honor my sister. Even my brother-in-law thought my niece was wrong, and apologized. Should she have handled it differently?
A: STEVE SMITH SEE YOU CATTY RIGHT FROM START. “Why now is anybody’s guess, as she has been living with the man for over 10 years.” MEOW! HOW YOU THINK YOU HONOR DEAD SISTER BY TURN INTO WEDDING AUNTZILLA? YOU WATCH ON VIDEO, AND STEVE SMITH JOIN FOR NICE EVENING. BY NICE EVENING, MEAN RAPE FILLED. THAT ALSO GIVE WEDDING GUEST FUN BACKGROUND VIDEO, AT RECEPTION! THAT STEVE SMITH DAY, HIM WAY!
I see. Not really anything I can add to that. Why do I always get this nights…
OK, pity party over. Time for our friend SEA SMITH to weigh in. SEA, what say you?
FIRST THING SAY, THIS NO SEA SMITH FAULT. HE NO LIKE GULF BOTHNIA – TOO COLD. BESIDES, STUPID SEXY TIMBER SHIP ASK FOR IT. NOW SEA SMITH GIVE ADVICE TO FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN LAND HOOMAN FRENS. IT BETTER THAN SILLY ENGLISH LAND HOOMAN. JUST LOOK!
Q: MY best friend and I are single and in our 50s – how do we get back into the dating game? We’ve been on our own for almost ten years and have been happy enough. She’s 52 and I’m 55. My ex-husband had been controlling during our 12-year marriage, so I’ve enjoyed the freedom of being single. My friend’s husband died of cancer in 2011, and while she still misses him, she’s happy he’s no longer in any pain. But the pandemic has made us realise that life is too short. Why shouldn’t we have another shot at finding love? The issue is we have no idea where to start. We’ve heard horror stories about online dating, and social distancing makes it hard to meet people in person.
A: SEA SMITH HAPPY HELP. HE DIRECT YOU TO HE FAVORITE WEB SITE – FINR. THERE YOU LOOK AT ALL SEXY SEA BEAST. WILL FIND SEA SMITH IS BEST…
INVITE SEA SMITH OVER FOR SHOT AT LOVE. BY SHOT AT LOVE, MEAN RAPE. YOU NOW BACK IN DATING GAME!
COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!
And with that, I am out of here, and the comments are all yours!