“Your skin is so rubbery.”

“It’s the prosthetics. Hold on, it takes a while to get it all off.”

“No, wait. I like it.”

“You, uh, I…”

“Get your blowhole ready… I’m going in dry.”

 

Poe’s Law: Masterclass Edition

The Class-Conscious Reboots Hollywood Should Make After Gossip Girl

Why does the girl on the left have on a costume from a C+C Music Factory video?

Gossip Girl is coming to HBO Max, with a new season from the show’s original creators that’s half reboot, half sequel. The new Gossip Girl is still about the trials and tribulations of a group of extremely wealthy Manhattan high schoolers (plus one fish out of water), but this time, it’s a different group of extremely wealthy Manhattan high schoolers. A few other things have changed, too. “These kids wrestle with their privilege in a way that I think the original didn’t,” co-showrunner Josh Safran told Variety. “In light of [Black Lives Matter], in light of a lot of things, even going back to Occupy Wall Street, things have shifted.”

Safran went on to say that the original Gossip Girl leaned too hard on “wealth porn,” which he described as “Look at these cars, or here’s a montage of the best plated food you’ve ever seen,” suggesting that the new Gossip Girl will rely less on that kind of aspirational vision of extreme wealth.

Specifically, this music video. I’m not saying this is the worst song of the 90s, but it’s dumber than “Ironic” by Alanis Morrisette, and that’s saying something, brother.

[I cannot recommend watching this video. -Ed.]

 

Chan Sung Jung

Jung Chan-sung (Korean: 정찬성; born March 17, 1987, anglicized as Chan Sung Jung) is a South Korean professional mixed martial artist and kickboxer. He currently competes in the Featherweight division for the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). A professional competitor since 2007, Jung has also formerly competed for the WEC, Pancrase, World Victory Road, and DEEP. His nickname, “The Korean Zombie” comes from his zombie-like ability to continue to move forward and fight aggressively, even after taking heavy blows.

The Korean Zombie…

When he bites you, you turn into a Korean.

If he bites a Korean, they become a double Korean.

And from there the world.

 

Crankin’ The Hog: The World Tour

For the chance to travel around the US and internationally, with expenses paid for, men are meeting the sperm donor demand that has spiked during the pandemic. As women are fed up with sperm banks that charge an arm and a leg — upwards of $800 per nitrogen tank — they are going to the internet to find their baby’s daddy. Using Facebook groups, women post what they are looking for and men around the US are raising their hand to, artificially or naturally, inseminate these women.

Just think about the business write-offs…

 

Man’s throat slit, woman choked and 48 charged at ‘Redneck Rave’ in Kentucky

A “Redneck Rave” in Kentucky got rowdy, with reports of a man’s throat slit, a woman choked in a fight over a blanket and a man impaled on a branch.

Forty-eight people were charged, 14 arrested and others were injured in a list bizarre accidents at a five-day festival in Mammoth Cave billed as “the biggest country event you’ll ever go to,” according to WNKY.

In one of the strangest incidents of the music-themed Rave was a man whose throat was slit by a “friend,” The Lexington Herald-Leader reported on Tuesday. The questionable pal is still at large, the report said.

Edmonson County sheriff’s deputies arrested a 29-year-old man for strangling a woman in an argument over a blanket, the paper reported. The man denied doing it, but the woman’s neck showed signs of fingerprints and pressure, according to the report.

Accidents included a man who drove a vehicle over a 2- or 3-inch thick “log” and ended up with it piercing his abdomen.

“When it tried to come out through his back it was stopped by a steel plate in his seat,” Edmonson County Sheriff Shane Doyle told the Herald-Leader. The man was transported to the hospital with the branch still inside him.

Another man lost part of a finger when a car crushed hand [sic].

 

Hard Times on Talcum X Boulevard

 

Bang, bang

Late-breaking…

Antivirus software pioneer John McAfee dead after prison suicide

Antivirus software tycoon John McAfee died by an apparent suicide in a Spanish jail cell Wednesday evening — hours after reports surfaced that he would be extradited to face federal charges in the US, according to local media.The eccentric tech entrepreneur was arrested in October and was awaiting extradition when he was found dead, police sources told the newspaper El Pais.

The newspaper reported McAfee was pulled from his cell in Barcelona and police are investigating the circumstances around his death.

“Everything points to suicide,” the newspaper reported, citing justice department officials in the country. A second Spanish newspaper, El Mundo, also reported McAfee had died by an apparent suicide in the jail.

Hillary claims another.