When mexican sharpshooter called, I didn’t even let him pull whatever it was he had ready to trap me. “Fine, I am on the way to the armored studio. I know I have no chance to avoid this, do I?”
“Not really, but I would have preferred to watch you try” he admitted.
“So, links or advice?”
“Advice, if you please.”
“Sure, why not.”
Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, Glibs of all ages. Step right up to receive the wit, wisdom and advice of our Cryptid All Star Trio! We are going to start things off with our Master Cleanser, ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ, what do you have for our audience?
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. BECAUSE YOU HAVE SNARKED AT THE BRUTALS, WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH, ZARDOZ WILL REWARD YOU WITH THE GIFT OF ADVICE. AND THE ADVICE OF ZARDOZ IS SURELY GREATER THAN THAT OF WIZENED BRUTALS.
Q: I am a 30-year-old woman who very much wants to find someone to share my life and start a family with. The problem is I hate dating, at least the early stages. To me, first dates aren’t exciting; they’re just plain awkward and nerve-racking.
I have tried everything to change my outlook on dating, but I still go into every first date with the same enthusiasm as I’d have for a root canal. I truly want a partner in life, but I hate first dates so much I Googled, “Is arranged marriage for me?” Please, do you have any tips for how to have a more positive outlook on dating?
A: ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, THE DATE HATE ADVISED ONE. YOU ARE MERELY FOLLOWING THE STRICTURE OF ZARDOZ, REGARDING THE PENIS BEING EVIL. THIS IS GOOD, AND ZARDOZ IS PLEASED (THOUGH NOT WITH THE WANTING TO START A FAMILY, THAT IS NOT GOOD). PERHAPS THIS “ARRANGED MARRIAGE” WOULD BE BEST. ZARDOZ DOES HAVE EXPERIENCE IN THAT AREA…
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Ok then. Um, why don’t we just move right along to the SMITHs. Let us try out what SEA SMITH is dealing. SEA?
SEA SMITH HAPPY SEE LAND HOOMAN GLIBERTARIANS. HE ALSO HAVE GIANT SQUID IN POCKET. HAHAHAHAHA! SEA SMITH VERY FUNNY. HE ALSO GIVE ADVICE. GOODER ADVICE THAN SILLY HOOMANS. HERE BETTERER ADVICE!
Q. One of my best friends is a man I met a few years ago with whom I slowly fell in love. Despite being in our early 30s, both of us were virgins because of our religious traditions. I was profoundly disoriented when he recently got engaged to another woman after dating her for two months. After he became engaged, we had sex. Despite knowing that it was wrong, I think we’re both relieved and grateful to have shared this intimate experience before our paths diverged. The fact that we had sex makes it clear that we will have to adopt a disciplined approach to our friendship in the future. The dilemma: My friend had asked me to be his “best woman” at the wedding, and I agreed. But I feel as though I should pull out in light of the fact that I’ve slept with the groom. He disagrees, and it might raise some uncomfortable questions for him if I were to drop out. But if his fiancee found out that he and I slept together, having me in the wedding pictures would be extremely painful. What should I do?
A. YOU VERY SILLY LAND HOOMAN. BUT SEA SMITH THINK PROBLEM WITH LAND MAN YOU BANG. HE HAVE “BEST WOMAN” AT WEDDING? AND IT FRIEND WITH BENEFIT? SEA SMITH SAY, JUST WAIT 6 MONTH, YOU FRIEND END UP MAKING BOOTY CALL TO YOU. THEN YOU SEE IF BE IN WEDDING PICTURE PAINFUL. OR GET HEAD BEAT IN BY WIFE. THAT PAINFUL TOO.
SEA SMITH SAY “SWIM AWAY”.
COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!
That…that might be really good advice. I am … stunned. Let us see if STEVE SMITH can keep the ball rolling. STEVE?
STEVE SMITH GLAD GIVE ADVICE. HIM KNOW MANY THING, AND CAN SHARE GOOD IDEA! HIM PROMINENT FOREST LAWYER, AND ADVISOR EXTRAORDINAIRE. HIM KNOW MORE THAN OLD MANNERS LADY.
Q. A friend forwarded to me, I believe in error, an email message written by a mutual acquaintance that was rather disparaging towards me personally. I suppose this is the electronic equivalent of accidentally overhearing a conversation.
What would be the appropriate response? Should I address the comments directly, as in, “What did Mr. X mean by these remarks?” Or indirectly, as in, “Did you mean to send me that message, or was it an error on your part?” Or should I just pretend I never received the information?
A. THIS TAKE TWO PART SOLUTION. BUT STEVE SMITH HAVE ANSWER! FIRST, SEND EMAIL TO FRIEND, ASK WHYCOME YOU SEND MEAN EMAIL ME?
FOR JERK WHO WRITE MEAN EMAIL, THEM YOU HIT ON HEAD WITH BIG ROCK!
YOU WELCOME FOR BEST ADVICE.
Well, that wraps it up for another installment of the All-Star Cryptid Advice Roundup. I am going to get out of here, before SEA SMITH figures out how to get inside the studio.