My nose was bleeding heavily.  I looked at the clock.  It had been more than 45 minutes since the first time I looked at the clock, so it had been bleeding for about an hour.  I didn’t want to do this, but I had to do it.  I sent a text to my neighbor.  It said “I need help.  Will you drive me to the ER?”  In seconds, she had texted back “yes”.  I grabbed my purse and keys and went to meet her.  After an additional hour, my nose finally stopped bleeding.

While I was at the emergency room, the furnace repair people called. My furnace had been out for a week, and I had been relying on space heaters. As I answered the call, the nurse called me to the back.  I had explained that I expected the furnace repair man on the way to the ER, and so I handed the phone to my neighbor.  I said reschedule if you have to.  Instead, she contacted another neighbor, who met the repairman and let him in.  By the time I got home, my furnace was working.

Obviously, I have the best neighbors in the world. My neighborhood, especially since the pandemic, is a tight knit community.  If my neighbor hadn’t answered, or hadn’t been able to drive me, I would have contacted someone else, and failing that, I would have taken an Uber.  But because we are a community, she drove me and never even mentioned that she was missing work to do it.

What I found out later is that the neighbor she called about the furnace had fallen off a ladder a few days earlier.  Yet, he still sent a text to both my neighbor and me saying “I’m on it.  You just take care of [Tulip]”. Once I knew, of course I called him and told him to let me know what he needed.  He did call and ask me to get cigarettes for him.

Community isn’t an accident.  Despite being a libertarian and something of a misanthrope, I always work to build a community for myself.  Not because I might need someone to drive me to the ER (although that happened) but because I need connections with people.  Community is the people we share with, and gives us a sense of being part of something larger than ourselves.  When we share our good news, it is amplified.  When we share our troubles, it is lessened. One benefit of community is what mental health people call “a support network”.  I want to focus on that aspect today, and how to both give and receive help.

Community isn’t limited to geography.  I used to belong to a monthly book club.  One woman (never married, far from family) in the club was very into health and fitness.  When she hosted the snacks were quinoa this and hummus that and chia seed crackers.  At another woman’s place the snacks were all brownies and cakes etc.  Anyway, she had RSVP’d to my hosting, and then didn’t show.  Since that wasn’t like her, I called her and discovered she was in the hospital.  She had an accident while cycling and broke her shoulder blade, collar bone and elbow.  MULTIPLE surgeries were required.  I went to visit her in the hospital and asked how I can help.  She didn’t know then, but eventually when she was home, she had an answer.  Women from her cycling group were bringing her meals.  Another woman from our book club was driving her to physical therapy appointments.  I said, so what can I do.  She started crying and said, “I just want someone to change the sheets.”  I said I can do that and drove over that day.  She was very apologetic because she said she usually went cycling, came home and cleaned and that obviously hadn’t happened.  So, I changed the sheets. I asked, “what else?” and she had started a load of laundry, but she had a top loader and couldn’t get the clothes out of the washer and into the dryer.  So, I did laundry and then cleaned her apartment (vacuum, dust etc.) and made arrangements to do that every week.

Another example of community – My dad passed away in July.  For years, he and his friends went out for breakfast a few times a week and they rotated where they went.  They wanted to support all the local businesses, so made sure to visit all the local diners.  His favorite dessert was pecan pie.  My mom wanted to get little pecan pies (think a mini muffin pan). Unfortunately, this turns out to be a seasonal item.  So, we couldn’t get them.  The grocery store was willing to order them but couldn’t guarantee they would get them in time for the funeral.  My mom and sister were upset.  But, when they got home, they got a call from the owner of Betty’s diner.  She said she had heard about their inability to get the pies and said she would make them at cost. I think this shows that the point of community isn’t getting help. None of what my dad did was aimed at trying to get mini pecan pies at his funeral, he and his friends were just trying to be good members of the community.

So, I’ve given a few examples of help needed and given in a crisis.  I think the examples illustrate some important points about giving and receiving help.

Pointers for giving help:

Ask how you can help and ask more than once.  My friend in the bike accident was in the hospital.  She was too overwhelmed to know what she needed right away.  So, you need to ask more than once. However, accept a no.  Let people know they can change their mind and call you, but don’t push.

If someone doesn’t know what they want or need, offer something specific.  Offer to make meals, or clean, or run errands, but don’t be offended if they turn it down.

Remember, you don’t have to do everything.  It’s ok to just do one thing – like meals or clean, or just listen.  You could even organize others to bring meals.  See Meal Train.

Whatever you do, do it cheerfully.  The last thing someone needs is to feel like a burden.

Pointers for receiving help:

Let people help.  This is how many people can show they care.

Be specific about what you need.  Most people want to help, but don’t know what to do.  They also don’t know what it is you really need.  Until my book club friend asked, I hadn’t thought about how hard it would be to change the sheets or do laundry with a broken shoulder.

Be prepared for someone to say they can’t do the specific thing you’re asking for. I was once asked to be someone’s emergency contact (for someone with significant health (including mental health) issues.)  I couldn’t do it.  I have no regrets about saying no.

Don’t expect one person to do everything.  Let it be spread around.

Say thank you.

Everybody, everybody needs help sometimes.  Be willing to help and be willing to accept help.  What is something nice someone has done for you when you needed it?