She comes in and I swallow a growl. I want to shit in her shoes. But I have a job to do.

“St-st-strawberry,” He says, “Meet Commander.”

I loll my tongue. I scratch my ear with my back foot. She laughs. But I can smell her tears. After she leaves, I go back to sleeping under His desk.

“You’re a good dog, Champ,” He says. I whine and lick His ankle. His skin is bitter and cold.

*****

“I told her we should have named the new puppy Omicron, really seize on the zeitgeist,” Kaylieburrow says. Zeitgeist is a new word for her. She likes the taste of it and uses it often.

“That’s because you are clinically an idiot,” Seresto says, her elderly side-shave grown out to something resembling ear bangs.

“Technically, you mean?” Astrid asks.

“No, clinically. That clinic told her she was an idiot. They scanned her brain and everything.”

“I’m not an idiot!” Kaylieburrow says.

“You did get stuck in the elevator that time,” Astrid says.

“How was I supposed to know you had to push the floor button myself?” Kaylieburrow says, beginning to cry. She stamps away on her tiny feet. They are so small she often has to buy dress shoes made for obscenely rich little girls.

“Where is she going?” Astrid asks, “We have a meeting.”

“She’ll rub one out in the bathroom and be fine,” Seresto says.

“Whoa. Inappropriate workplace language,” Astrid says.

“I got one of those vibrators that sucks at your clit; it’s giving me a smutty mind,” Seresto says wistfully.

*****

CCTV Footage
Good Earth Market
Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

Cashier: Man, you must really like peanut butter! You got like 10 jars.

Hunter Biden: Big weekend coming up. Big.

*****

“Why didn’t any of you think to get me a puppy!” Kamala screams.

“You said you hated dogs, ma’am,” Astrid says.

“That’s a damn lie!”

“Ma’am, you said, and I quote, ‘Dogs are shit-eating sock rapists and I won’t have one in my house,’” Astrid says.

“Never quote me to me!’ Kamala rages. “In fact, forget everything I say!”

“What was that, ma’am?” Astrid asks.

“I said, to forget everything I say! I won’t have my words used against me!”

“OK, ma’am, I’ll try to remember that,” Astrid says. She glances at Seresto who seems about to burst. Seresto’s vibrator sits at home, waiting for her, the red charging light blinking on her nightstand.

“No!” Kaylieburrow interjects, triumphant in her understanding, “She wants you to forget that she told you to forget. Don’t you get it?”

“I do now,” Astrid says kindly.

“See?” Kaylieburrow says, “I told you that clinic was wrong!”