I am one grumpy, motherf**ker this week. I simply cannot get enough sleep. One part of it is going to bed later than I should because you are such an interesting bunch. [Waves to slumbrew, Rhywun, Hayeksplosives, MikeS (when he’s off his schedule), and Gustave Lytton. Pours one out for Sir Digby.] One part is my dog needing to get up early to do his business. I can’t get mad at my best friend when he really does have to go long before the rooster crows.

 

But the worst part of it is some nights the quality of my sleep is just lousy. I don’t drink during the week so it’s not that. I don’t have loud neighbors, so it isn’t that. What could it be? Maybe it’s the ridiculous stress? I’ll go with that.

 

Stress or no stress, I have got to get more sleep. Let’s see if the brainiacs at Harvard have any solutions. Turns out they do. Let’s evaluate how useful their advice is.

 

Suggestion 1 – Avoid Caffeine, Alcohol, Nicotine, and Other Chemicals that Interfere with Sleep

Thanks Captain Obvious. I know better than to have coffee late in the day. None of the other substances apply to me.

 

Suggestion 2 – Turn Your Bedroom into a Sleep-Inducing Environment

“A quiet, dark, and cool environment can help promote sound slumber.” You don’t say. I have this one covered too.

 

Suggestion 3 – Establish a Soothing Pre-Sleep Routine

“Take a bath (the rise, then fall in body temperature promotes drowsiness), read a book, watch television, or practice relaxation exercises.” We may be getting somewhere. Though if I read a book, then I’ll miss my Glibening. Still, I may have to ponder this one.

 

Suggestion 4 – Go to Sleep When You’re Truly Tired

If I did this then I would crawl into bed shortly after getting home from work. I’d like to see my kid and the dog needs some loving too. Pass.

 

Suggestion 5 – Don’t Be a Nighttime Clock-Watcher

Not a problem. I’m tired, not an insomniac.

 

Suggestion 6 – Use Light to Your Advantage

“Natural light keeps your internal clock on a healthy sleep-wake cycle. So let in the light first thing in the morning and get out of the office for a sun break during the day.” Do these people live on earth? It’s winter. It’s dark when I wake up. Getting out of the office during the day is a promising idea.

 

Suggestion 7 – Keep Your Internal Clock Set with a Consistent Sleep Schedule

Hahahahahahahahahaha! You people kill me. There isn’t a dog owner among them. If I could keep a consistent schedule, then I wouldn’t have trouble sleeping.

 

Suggestion 8 – Nap Early—Or Not at All

I’ve got this one covered. Moving on.

 

Suggestion 9 – Lighten Up on Evening Meals

Okay, this I can use. Usually, I know not to eat a heavy meal when I get home late. Knowing and doing are not the same thing. I need to remember to keep it light on those late nights.

 

Suggestion 10 – Balance Fluid Intake

“Drink enough fluid at night to keep from waking up thirsty—but not so much and so close to bedtime that you will be awakened by the need for a trip to the bathroom.” Let me introduce you to my 57-year-old prostate. I assure you I’m getting up at least once.

 

Suggestion 11 – Exercise Early

[Bangs head against wall.] You shit stains! That’s what I’m trying to do. Do you tell you endowment managers the way to get better investment returns is to make more money?

 

Suggestion 12 – Follow Through

“Some of these tips will be easier to include in your daily and nightly routine than others.” Uh, yeah, I know.

 

Alright, everyone go back to watching Wild Card Weekend.

 

This week’s music.