Confessions of a Middle Aged Man in Lycra – The Art of Survival

by | Jun 6, 2023 | Fitness, Sports, Travel | 62 comments

As I’ve done more and more cycling I’ve become interested in multi-day long distance events like the Torino-Nice Rally, the Badlands, or even just RAGBRAI, events which cover 400-500 miles with varying degrees of support along the way.  However, I have doubts that I can handle the distance, both physically and mentally.  As a small test I signed up for the Art of Survival Century in the Tulelake region of northern California and southern Oregon.  The ride I signed up for consisted of two parts: 100 mile road course on Saturday and 75 mile gravel ride on Sunday.  To add some distance I planned a couple more routes, one on Friday before the event and one on Monday on the way home.  All total I planned to ride about 230 miles over four days, roughly half what I could expect to see in one of those longer events.

Day 1 I planned to ride about 26 miles near Weed, CA, home of Weed High and the Hi-Lo Cafe.  However, I got a late start and the drive to the venue for Saturday’s event was longer than expected, so I shortened my route to about 17 miles.  The route is a section that’s used on the Gravel Hugger race, which I did last year, but since the race is held in March, they always have snow and views are blocked by clouds.  Today it was warm and sunny, which gave beautiful views of Mt. Shasta and the Siskiyou Mountains.  The ride was short but sweet with a good bit of mostly smooth gravel.  The only downside was worrying about getting arrested for exposure as I changed into my cycling clothes in front of a school.  I can imagine the police report. “We apprehended the suspect in his vehicle with his pants around his ankles and a jar of lube labeled ‘Chamois Butt’r’ in the seat next to him.”  That probably would have ruined my weekend.

 

From there we headed across Tule Lake to the town of Tulelake for a lunch break.  What a dump.  After lunch we crossed back over the lake and turned south toward the Lava Beds.  It started to sprinkle, and the air smelled moist.  Fortunately the rain didn’t last long as I didn’t have any rain gear with me.  

Since we were in California the quality of the road was noticeably worse than in Oregon.  Every 10 yards or so there was a big crack across the road that would deliver a jolt as we rode across.  Luckily that only lasted 15 miles, so by my rough calculation that’s about 2500 jolts to my spine and shoulders.  I have pretty wide tires which means I can run lower pressure which cushions the ride a little.  People on skinnier tires at higher pressure were really suffering. 

At mile 69 we reached Canby’s Cross, which marks the spot where General Canby was killed by the Modocs during the Modoc War.  The inscription on the cross doesn’t mince words: “Gen Canby USA was murdered here by the Modocs April 8, 1873”.

Shortly after Canby’s Cross we had our next rest stop at Captain Jack’s Stronghold where the Modocs were able to use the terrain to prevent the US Army from capturing them.  There are numerous rock formations that make it great territory for ambushes, which the Modocs used to their advantage.  

From there we headed east along what used to be the shore of Tule Lake, which was drained long ago and now is covered by potato farms.  In fact, potatoes are a big deal in that area.  All the rest stations served baked potatoes and the swag bag was a bag of potatoes.  The town just to the south of Tulelake is named Tuber.  It seems they’ve already joined Greater Idaho.

At mile 80 we headed north for the final push to the finish.  A strong headwind kicked up, seemingly funneled toward us by “The Peninsula”, a large ridge that used to stick out into the lake.  The last rest stop of the day was at the Tule Lake Relocation Center which was one of the Japanese internment camps during WW2.  

I have some family history there as my grandfather helped build the camp, which means I probably should be canceled.  During the Great Depression he had a construction company building houses for rich people (“They still had money”), but when the war came around he couldn’t get materials, so he had to shut the company down.  He joined the army but was too old to fight.  Given his experience the Army sent him to Tulelake to build the camp.  Toward the end of the war he was asked to sign off on some invoices for materials that were never delivered, and he refused, which earned him a transfer to join the fighting in the European theater.  Luckily the war in Europe ended by the time he was ready, so he never got shipped out.

From the internment camp there were only 12 more miles, and the wind let up a little so the pedaling was easier.  At mile 90 we passed Bloody Point, where in 1850 Modocs killed 90 settlers on the Oregon Trail.  It used to be on the shore of the lake, and the Modocs were able to sneak up through the tules for which the lake was named to surprise the settlers.  These days it’s miles from what’s left of the lake.  It’s hard to imagine what it looked like then, and it certainly made whatever discomfort I was feeling seem trivial.

At about 3:30 I rolled into the finish for a post-ride meal, after which I collected my bag of potatoes.  As Napoleon once said about the Tour de France, “A cyclist will ride long and hard for a bag of potatoes.”  In his day the Tour de France went all the way to Moscow, so he wasn’t kidding.  All in all it was a pretty easy ride for a century ride, by far the fastest one I’ve ever done and coincidentally the flattest.

Day 3 the action shifted across the border to Dorris, CA for the gravel ride.  The route was higher in elevation and more heavily forested than the previous day.  In other words, it was Bigfoot territory, Cascadia.  I was signed up for the 75 mile ride, but given that I had just ridden 100 miles the day before and I didn’t sleep well because of a rain storm in the night, I was seriously considering dropping down to the 54 mile course.  I didn’t have to decide immediately since the courses were the same until mile 39, but I was already mentally giving up on the long course.

No dick measuring at the start again today, not even amongst the women, and riders set off whenever they were ready.  Surprisingly my legs felt pretty good, though my butt was a bit sore.  I wasn’t going to win any sprints, but as long as the road was flat and I held a reasonable pace I could keep going.  Maybe, just maybe, I could do the long course, but probably not.

At mile 22 we reached the rest stop at the bottom of the only big climb of the weekend, about 800 feet over 3.5 miles.  I ate one of the ubiquitous potatoes to get some carbs in my body for the effort.  Fortunately the road was mostly asphalt, though it was broken up in spots and covered with dirt from the previous night’s rain in other spots.  Normally the climb wouldn’t be that tough, but it was a grind with the miles already in my legs and maybe because of the elevation.  Motivated by the pancakes they were serving at the top of the climb at Juanita Lake, I gutted it out slowly but surely.

What goes up must come down, so with a belly full of pancakes I let it rip down the one lane road for the next 4 miles enjoying the free distance but keeping my hands close to the brakes because there were a few cars coming the other way.  Back to the flatlands there we rode a few miles of gravel to the next stop at the fire station in McDoel.  To head off cramps I took a few swigs of pickle juice from my flask, which probably made me look like an alcoholic. 

A few miles to the east was the fork in the road where the long route turned right and the short route turned left.  A couple of steep kickers shortly before the fork convinced me that I should turn left, but really I had been mentally convincing myself of that all day.  Almost immediately the road became bone jarringly washboarded making me think that maybe I should have done the long course after all.  I was so busy trying to pick a line through the washboard that I didn’t see the bald eagle sitting on the fence post until it took off and flew right in front of me.  It was probably hoping it would be able to feast on my cadaver.  Luckily the road became tolerable after a couple miles, but now my hands were cramped and my shoulders ached.

Before long the road returned to asphalt for the last 12 miles to the finish making the pedaling much easier.  If I pushed too hard I really could feel the fatigue in my legs, so I found a pace that suited me and slowed down to enjoy the scenery, which in this area was not potatoes, but strawberry fields forever.


About lunchtime I rolled into the finish, changed my clothes and grabbed some food at the Butte Valley Community Center, which is a pretty swanky venue for such a small town. To summarize the day’s ride, I rode into sasquatch territory and came out exhausted and with a sore ass.  It was just from biking, I swear.

As it was still early in the day, I made the decision to do the six hour drive home instead of waiting for the next day.  Screw the ride I had planned for Day 4.  I’d had enough.  Besides, what would I do all afternoon in the hotel I booked?  My hands were cramping, so masturbation was out of the question, and I don’t smoke, so weed in Weed was a no go too.  The only thing to do was to hit the road.

So having ridden those miles am I still interested in those long, multi day rides?  Are you nuts?  Hell no.  That’s crazy.  But truth be told, I’m already negotiating with myself.  If I were to do it, what would I have to change?  What equipment would I need?  How can I get enough calories in my system to have the energy not just the flat sections, but also the mountains?  How would I prepare myself mentally?  So Day 4 after I unpacked the car and put away my stuff, I went out for a 20 mile ride in the hills near my home, bringing my four day total to about 193 miles.  Short of my plan, but not bad.  Maybe there’s still a big ride in my future.  I’m still talking about bikes, you perverts.

About The Author

JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

Am I being detained?

62 Comments

  1. Zwak , who will swing for the crime, in double time!

    A question for you, Jaime. Have you done, since you are in he Bay Area, the Berkeley Hills Death Ride?

    This homage to masochism heads up and down 5 of the steepest streets in the Berkeley Hills (steepest grade, over 25%). It’s actually not all that bad if you pace yourself, but this ride will punish you if you try to attack it. From just about any point on the ride you can coast downhill to a BART station.

    Marin Street
    Marin is simply ridiculous; one advantage of doing it first is that all the rest of the hills will look easy by comparison. The main disadvantage is that it could kill you before you get a chance at any of the other hills. It crosses a number of quiet streets, which you can use as an opportunity to rest/cheat without getting off the bike; just turn down the side street and coast for a while as your heart rate comes back under your anaerobic threshold.

    The first block is rather steep, perhaps a 14% grade. After that it eases up for 3 blocks, hanging at around 10% until the block before Spruce. That block is again above 15%, and it looks a little like it might be the road’s peak–it’s so steep you can’t see the road above it.

    Of course, it’s not the peak. Crossing Spruce gives you a little break (remember to take advantage of CVC 57492.1: “the right-of-way must be yielded to people in extreme pain”), and then the next couple blocks again aren’t quite so bad. Then the block before Euclid is pretty nasty, pushing 20% grade, but really it’s just letting you know that you’re about to begin the hard part.

    Past Euclid is where the road gets really absurd. The average grade from Euclid to Grizzly Peak is 22%, but that includes the flat intersections. Actual riding is closer to 25%, and that first block is probably near 30%. I don’t care how low your gears are, or how light your bike is; either you have the leg strength and aerobic capacity to ride up this hill, or you don’t. Good friggin’ luck.

    The first block, as mentioned, is the steepest. The second block is a little less steep but still ridiculous. The final block is about the same as the second, but it’s also much longer than the other two. I always feel tempted, if I have anything left in my legs, to power up the last few meters just to get the damn thing over with; I recommend against doing that, because we have a lot more climbing to do today.

    https://bayareabikerides.net/the-berkeley-hills-death-ride/

    • Chafed

      That’s nothing compared to the San Francisco death ride. You ride into Union Square. Then you stand with your bike in front of a closed retail store. Wait 10 minutes. If you weren’t shot or stabbed, you win.

  2. juris imprudent

    You were right up in my brother’s neck of the woods, outside of Alturas. Lucky you didn’t have to dodge any log trucks on the gravel road.

  3. DEG

    No dick measuring at the start again today, not even amongst the women,

    So they are actual women?

    Nice pictures!

  4. Tundra

    I love these!

    Although y’all are insane.

    Thanks for another fun adventure, JR!

  5. Fourscore

    You’re a better man than I, JR.

    Even back in the earlier days I would never contemplate such foolishness.

    About 4-5 years ago I got on a bike, fell off faster than you can say “Joe Biden”

    Nice riding, nice pictures, nice history. Thanks for taking us along

    • rhywun

      I fell on my ass off a rental bike a couple weekends ago but it was very instructive. (In addition to painful – still recovering.)

      I now know more about the kind of bike I want to get.

      • Zwak , who will swing for the crime, in double time!

        This is why I have a three wheeler!

      • rhywun

        Heh thought about that but maybe for later.

        For now, I’m looking at combo electric/foot-power and without a bar to crush my junk or make me swing my legs around in a manner that is not comfortable anymore.

      • rhywun

        Yeah the ones I’m looking at are very similar. Dude from the video needs to check out Amazon, there a zillion models available just like that.

      • Chafed

        My dad does a lot of bike riding. He’s now 85 and got an e-bike about a year ago. To hear him tell it, it’s worth going to local bike store and talking with someone who knows their stuff.

      • rhywun

        going to local bike store

        My only fear of that is getting ripped off. Like a car dealership.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I want one of those. Or a mamachari.

  6. Shpip

    Banjos does a different set of mourning lynx sources than Sloop, so here’s one for tomorrow, early:

    Owner of the largest and fourth-largest hotels in San Francisco stop payment on the mortgages.

    “After much thought and consideration, we believe it is in the best interest for Park’s stockholders to materially reduce our current exposure to the San Francisco market. Now more than ever, we believe San Francisco’s path to recovery remains clouded and elongated by major challenges — both old and new,” said Thomas Baltimore Jr., CEO of Park Hotels, in a statement.

    Those challenges include a record high office vacancy of around 30%, concerns over street conditions, a lower rate of return to office compared with other cities and “a weaker than expected citywide convention calendar through 2027 that will negatively impact business and leisure demand,” he said.

    Who would’ve thought that conventioneers and tourists don’t want to dodge human feces or deal with beggars and psychotics?

    • Zwak , who will swing for the crime, in double time!

      One of the sad things about this is that SF residents will applaud this, as they hate, hate the people who go to conventions. Little do they realize that this is yet another swipe at alt the jobs that normies do, and when there are less of them, the cities tax base falls, and they cannot afford all the necessities they have come to rely on. Bookstores can’t can’t make rent, bars can’t pay a living wage, and so on.

      Makes for a shitty city, but, then again, it is SF, and they have that going for them at least.

      • Drake

        The San Francisco in the Dirty Harry movies seems like a paradise compared to the present.

      • rhywun

        I lived there for one year, 1997 or so. The Loin was a horror show, and the rest of the city was quite nice except for the Haight which was full of snarling gutter-punks.

        I have not been there since and sometime wonder how much has changed.

      • Gustave Lytton

        A Portland paper dusted off the archives for a 40 year old story on heroin addicts. The seedy part of town as seen in the photos was cleaner all around, no trash and no graffiti. Even the addicts dressed better.

      • Chafed

        They completely brought this on themselves. I’m enjoying the schadenfreude.

  7. Brochettaward

    I’m the sort of guy who goes to Mexico and asks where the white women at.

  8. Chafed

    That’s a hell of a ride Jr. I’m impressed.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Why? They’re living up to the name already.

  9. kinnath

    Susanna

    awesome cover

    • Chafed

      I wish I was her mic stand.

  10. Gustave Lytton

    GL is at the coast, on one of the few warm days (not to worry, there was a cold breeze at sunset, so staying true to form)

    What it felt like in the sun during the day
    https://youtu.be/QNRx3nR7-4Y

  11. dbleagle

    Sounds like some fun rides. If you like longer rides with no steep climbs and small town amenities, I suggest looking at some of the Rail to Trail efforts. The MoPac route crosses Missouri from the outskirts of StL to suburban KC with many small towns and lodging if you don’t want to camp. Your bike sounds like it is set up for it since it is improved gravel.

    The former Milwaukee Road right of way, under a variety of names, can take you from suburban Seattle to across the Columbia River with no breaks, and it includes a 2+ mile long tunnel through the crest of the Cascades. From there the route is broken up (until they stitch it together) across WA, ID, and into MT. Western Washington is for desert lovers. The stretch through the Bitterroots into MT, with a tunnel under the Continental Divide, and multiple long and high bridges is truly awesome.

  12. Gustave Lytton

    Shoot me now. Wife just called me outraged that the neighbors across the street walked their dog through their property with a super bright flashlight that looks like it’s being shined onto our property when it flashes in our direction, and they wouldn’t answer her about what they were doing when she went out there. I dunno, maybe because they’re on their own property, you’re not their boss, and they can do whatever they like including not answering your questions?

    • Chafed

      I suggest quickly getting in bed and pretending to be asleep

      • Tundra

        👆

    • Not Adahn

      LOL, if he got the nom, the DOJ would immediately file Federal civil rights charges over “bridgegate.”

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      He should stick to lazing around the beach like a stranded whale rather than running for president. If I want a dullard MIC fellator I’ll vote for Haley.

  13. Gender Traitor

    Good morning, Sean, Roat, U, and NA.

    So…it turned out Little Black Cat had an infection – a nasty abscess on his butt. The folks at the vet’s office asked if the other cat might have bitten or scratched him, but we suspect his butt got nicked when they shaved it during his previous visit. Now he’s on antibiotics and pain medicine.

    • Gender Traitor

      … and in the Cone of Shame.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Aw, pobrecito. 😿

  14. UnCivilServant

    Lets see, of the projects on my desk

    1 – needs information from other groups, have 1/4 of the information
    2 – needs information from training scheduled in late july
    3 – is waiting on engineering to move the process on to the next group
    4 – is dependant upon projects 1 and 2
    5 – is dependant upon project 3
    6 – needs the vendor to get back to me.
    7 – Is dependant upon another team which has a major upgrade in progress
    8 – Is dependant upon another team who is not ready for kickoff
    9 – Is not really my project, so I’m waiting for the project team to tell me they’re ready for my part.

    Well, shit, no wonder I’m sitting here trying to figure out what I can work on. At best I can pester people who haven’t answered my emails.

    • UnCivilServant

      *bleep*it, why do I have to be in the office today? The chatterboxes from the next block of cubes just never shut up, and have the most irritating voices…

      • Rat on a train

        You’re next to the government employees?

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, there aren’t as many consultants in this area, so I assume they’re state employees.

  15. Not Adahn

    Lol,

    I’ve mentioned before that my prior living arrangement to this job was living with a stripper in Austin. She’s still one of my best friends and a living symbol of why that town is great. She has a mathematics degree now, btw.

    Anyway, she emailed me this morning asking if I was going to the Altamont ren fair saying “one of my favorite ocarina makers will be there.”

    • UnCivilServant

      Other than Actuary, what jobs does a Math degree open up? I’m genuinely curious.

      • Fourscore

        Making pi?

      • Fourscore

        When I lived in NJ I knew people that were in to “Numbers”

      • Rat on a train

        state lottery?

      • Not Adahn

        More advanced math.

        However, in her case, she’s designing new and interesting insurance products.