Joemala: Episode 198

by | Aug 23, 2023 | Joemala | 270 comments

 

Tony’s motorized palanquin putt-putted into the Oval Office, the red-lit dome on the top revolving furiously.

“COVID, COVID!” he said through the speaker grill, his wheezing voice robotic and stripped of emotion.

“COVID?!?” Joe cried. “Already?”

“Yes, Mr. President,” Tony said gravely. “The Republican debates are coming up and we must all wear masks!”

“I don’t think I have a mask anymore!” Joe said.

A compartment opened on the palanquin and vomited dozens of n95’s on the floor. A fleshy nozzle slid out and sprayed them with bleach.

“You must warn America, sir! A big press conference! A huge press conference!” Tony squealed.

Joe pressed the intercom button on his desk and stuttered, “Send-nd-nd in my-my press secretary! The, uh, the, uh, the, uh… Black one? She’s Black, right?”

The intercom button had been disconnected months ago.

Joe and Tony waited, staring at the door to the Oval Office expectantly.

“She should be here any minute,” Joe said.

“COVID!” Tony cried.

“She’s coming,” Joe said.

They waited and waited.

“How is your health, Mr. President? Has Rachel been taking good care of you?”

“Who?”

“Rachel Levine? Your personal doctor?”

“Is that the one with the, you know, the thing?” Joe asked.

“Yes, Mr. President. It’s the Rachel with a penis.”

“Uh.”

“It’s a fine, womanly penis. I’ve seen it,” Tony said, his voice paralyzed with wonder. “Just majestic.”

“I’ve been having accidents again,” Joe admitted.

“Perfectly normal for mammals your age,” Tony assured him.

“I just had an accident,” Joe said.

“You needn’t be embarrassed, Mr. President,” came the cold voice. “I am a physician first and foremost.”

Joe gasped as long robotic arms, black and insectile, unfolded from the palanquin and lifted him out of his office chair and laid him across the Resolute desk. The cold manipular pads stripped away his pants and wet diaper. As Joe dried, the arms took a new diaper from the desk and expertly wrapped Joe crotch in absorbent fine cotton. Joe sighed contentedly as his pants were tugged back on and he was sat back into his chair.

“Where is the Negro woman?” Tony asked, a feedback whine creeping into his projected voice.

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe your body slave can find her.”

“Finnegan’s been missing all morning,” Joe said. “I had to eat breakfast by myself.”

“And your son?” Tony asked. “I understand he has been living here all summer.”

Joe froze, readied himself for Hunter to appear.

“I guess he’s gone too,” Joe said sadly. “They’ve all been mad at me since I fell asleep in Hawaii.”

“I have a solution,” Tony said. “Medicine, medicine, medicine!” he screeched as his vending slot shat tube after tube of Pervitin onto the desk.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

270 Comments

  1. Common Tater

    “palanquin”

    This site is so educational.

    • robc

      I learned that word from Dune.

      • Nephilium

        Mildly related. I’ve really enjoyed Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, it’s set pre-TOS with Pike, Una (Number One), M’Benga, Spock, nurse Chapel, and cadet Uhura. The only character that doesn’t really track to TOS for me is nurse Chapel, but I’ve enjoyed her arc in the show. The girlfriend has even gotten into it, to the point where she was upset that the second season ended on a cliffhanger.

      • Timeloose

        I like it as well, except for the musical episode (WTF was that about?). It feels very much like TOS. In addition Una is a smoke show.

      • Nephilium

        The girlfriend liked the musical episode, though I don’t think it topped the Spock centered episodes for her. Considering Una is played by Rebecca Romijn, I didn’t think I needed to mention her appearance.

      • rhywun

        I dislike prequels. They always fuck with the canon and leave you wondering, “How come they never talked about this?” a hundred years later.

      • WTF

        I liked the first season, but in the second season where they have nurse chapel single-handedly kicking the crap out of multiple male Klingon warriors, I noped right out of there.

    • cyto

      Not to be confused with a pangolin, an even less commonly used form of transport.

    • WTF

      Pervitin, an early form of methamphetamine, was widely used in Nazi Germany and was available without a prescription.

      I learned something too, today.

      • Ted S.

        It’s not a drug for making people pervy?

      • B.P.

        The real reason that the Eastern Front was Hell.

  2. Suthenboy

    Ugh. Finished cleaning up the house. Showered and shaved then read over morning comments/stories.
    I fully understand why some people hole up in the woods somewhere and dont mix with humanity.

    • The Other Kevin

      I found the links particularly disheartening today. What a mess we live in.

  3. Common Tater

    “he screeched as his vending slot shat tube after tube of Pervitin onto the desk”

    Finally, he does something useful.

  4. MikeS

    Only three words in I had to google a word. Much learn, such educate

    • robc

      Don’t you people read classic literature? Frank Herbert has that one covered.

      • MikeS

        You nerds talk about Dune so much I suppose I better.

      • Tundra

        I’ve started it multiple times and couldn’t get into it.

        Good luck.

      • DEG

        It’s good.

        Skip the prequels.

        I think I’m overdue for a reread.

      • ron73440

        I liked it and the sequels.

        The one where the Emperor is a giant worm is a little out there and I didn’t read anymore after that one.

      • robc

        Yep, I stopped with God Emperor too.

        I just didn’t care about that universe any more.

      • SugarFree

        I read Heretics and Chapterhouse too. Very skippable.

      • Nephilium

        I read those, and I think I made it all the way up to House Harkonen from the prequel books. I recall it being so terrible that it’s among the few books I don’t think I finished.

      • Not Adahn

        The prequels are just godawful. “Hey, what if Duke Leto was a sexually ambiguous Space Gypsy?”

      • John Nerfherder

        what if Duke Leto was a sexually ambiguous Space Gypsy?

        I am so glad I missed that crap.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Heretics and Chapterhouse were OK, but not especially memorable. Mostly I remember Duncan Idaho dying a lot, and then becoming a super-gigolo of sorts.

      • Not Adahn

        By the ten thousand sons of Duncan Idaho!

  5. The Late P Brooks

    “It’s a fine, womanly penis. I’ve seen it,” Tony said, his voice paralyzed with wonder. “Just majestic.”

    More than seen, I’ll bet.

    • The Other Kevin

      Thankfully it’s morning and I have time to get that image out of my head before I try to sleep tonight.

    • milo

      There’s a slot for that.

  6. DEG

    A fleshy nozzle slid out and sprayed them with bleach.

    A fleshy nozzle. I see what you did there.

    “Perfectly normal for mammals your age,” Tony assured him.

    So Joe isn’t a lizardperson?

    • Lackadaisical

      You know what else sprays bleach?

    • Lackadaisical

      ‘So Joe isn’t a lizardperson?’

      He is, which is why Tony has to reassure him that his cover isn’t blown.

  7. Tundra

    “I have a solution,” Tony said. “Medicine, medicine, medicine!” he screeched as his vending slot shat tube after tube of Pervitin onto the desk.

    Final?

    TIL about Pervitin.

    • MikeS

      #metoo

      Nazi meth heads. Huh.

      • Tundra

        Great band name

    • John Nerfherder

      Aimo Kovunen smiles from beyond the grave.

      Kinda like this.

  8. cyto

    Remember how somebody blew up the Nordstream II pipeline and our government was totally going to find out who?

    • MikeS

      They’re too busy working on that thing in Las Vegas.

    • creech

      They did find out. But do you really think they’ll tell us?

      • Suthenboy

        By ‘find out’ you mean covering up the FBI’s role in Vegas? The White House’s role in the pipeline?
        I am fairly certain that is what you mean.

  9. cyto

    Remember how risking armed conflict with Russia was super-dangerous and WWIII was only minutes away if you dared to push them on Syria or Turkey? Remember when spending hundreds of billions on troops and weaponry for war was the sort of thing that required an act of congress?

  10. cyto

    Remember when the federal government telling companies that they could not publish something was called “prior restraint” and it was a massive deal if there was even a suggestion of such a thing?

  11. cyto

    Remember when police brutality was the most important thing in the whole entire world, and burning down a city or 7 was a perfectly acceptable response to someone unarmed being killed by police? I won’t bring up Ashley Babbit in this context, but there certainly are a bunch of others, as is evidenced by the discussion in this morning’s links.

  12. JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

    The palanquin vomiting masks made me think of Zardoz vomiting guns.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    “Finnegan’s been missing all morning,” Joe said. “I had to eat breakfast by myself.”

    She’s out getting it on with some testosterone-oozing college dropout who drives an overpowered convertible and jackhammers concrete fora living.

    • Lackadaisical

      Concrete’s not the only thing getting jack hammered then.

  14. cyto

    Remember when a 22 year old dude getting naked in a college women’s locker room in front of a bunch of 18-21 year old women would get you arrested, not a trophy for being the best female athlete in the country?

    • Gender Traitor

      Dude, you’re going to OD on all those black pills.

      • cyto

        Ok, I’ll take one the other direction. Remember when starting a car was a process?

        Remember when getting a car to 100,000 miles was an achievement?

        Remember when a sub-seven second zero to 60 time was quick?

        Remember when disk brakes were an aberration?

        Remember when surviving a crash at highway speeds was a shocking? miracle?

      • John Nerfherder

        Remember when starting a car was a process?

        Looks forward to blowing into a breathalyzer and submitting my social credit score to start my car.

        Remember when getting a car to 100,000 miles was an achievement?

        *looks around at all the 1.5L turbos with CVTs*

      • cyto

        That’s pretty good. I wonder what happened to that mandatory ignition interlock? Is that still on the table?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Only with a court order… so far.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      Remember when a 22 year old dude getting naked in a college women’s locker room in front of a bunch of 18-21 year old women would get you arrested

      Before my time, but my take from watching Porky’s, Revenge of the Nerds, Animal House is that this used to cause lots of laughter and playful hijinks before MeToo burst onto the stage.

      • cyto

        Fair point…..

        Remember when R-Rated movies had at least one gratuitous nude scene?

      • Tundra

        Yes, yes I do.

        SFW, unfortunately

      • Nephilium

        It used to be nearly a requirement to have a topless woman in a horror movie. I think the most recent horror movie I saw that met that requirement was Barbarian.

      • robc

        The most “unnecessary” nude scene is in Doc Hollywood.

        Not sure why it is there.

      • Not Adahn

        DC Cab had a scene in a strip club for no apparent plot reason.

      • John Nerfherder

        Every 80’s movie that was set in LA had an obligatory strip club scene.

      • R.J.

        The John Byner show was something I stayed up for, because there was always a topless woman. Anyone else old enough to remember that?

      • Timeloose

        Yep. Same with Benny Hill.

      • kinnath

        Yes. Great Show.

        I always enjoyed Super Dave Osborne as well.

      • R.J.

        Super Dave did finally get his own movie. I may track it down someday.

      • B.P.

        And he was the brother of Albert Brooks.

  15. cyto

    Remember when we used to make fun of the soviet union for tracking their citizen’s internal travel? Remember when we made fun of London for putting up closed circuit cameras all through london’s streets? Remember when the idea of tracking where you drove your car required a warrant here in the US?

    • The Other Kevin

      In my head I’m reading these in Andy Rooney’s voice. And it’s great.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Joe froze, readied himself for Hunter to appear.

    This conjures an image of Boris Badenov.

    “Say de name.”

    • Bobarian LMD

      Beetle Juice!

  17. MikeS

    cyto is making me sad. Make him stop!

    • cyto

      Remember when guys called each other “pussy” for displays of emotion?

      hey, it is a theme. Ya gotta go with it once you get it started.

      • MikeS

        haha. Excellent reply.

        Carry on.

      • cyto

        Speaking of which – I have noticed that my 16 year old boy’s buddies are still calling each other every name under the book. They are about as diverse a group as you could imagine, all races are represented and a couple are pretty clearly playing for the other team – yet they hurl the same epithets we used in the 70’s and 80s. I do believe they are in for a rude awakening at college.

        Bonus, the boy says he has an N-word pass from the black guys at school, at church and at his fast-food job. His parents have told him that this is funny, but useless information that he would do well to never act upon. Not in this day and age.

      • MikeS

        Yeah, that’s a get-out-of-jail-free card that can and will be revoked without any warning or reason given.

      • Ownbestenemy

        When my boys tried to bitch about their grandparents and their ‘language’ but turned around and we caught them using the same, they all of a sudden have no care of words used.

  18. JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

    Remember when teachers didn’t feel compelled to talk about their personal lives with kids?

    • cyto

      Remember when anyone volunteering to tell people who are mere acquaintances about their sexual preferences was considered off-color at best – not just when talking to children, but in pretty much any setting other than a bar?

  19. cyto

    Remember when tech companies and tech employees said things like “information wants to be free” and fought against any sort of censorship – even in the form of “munitions” designations for encryption algorithms? Anyone else have a PGP T-shirt with “This shirt is classified as a munition by the US government”?

    • DEG

      I don’t have that shirt but I remember it.

    • kinnath

      enough

  20. cyto

    And of particular relevance to this site:

    Remember when Libertarian journalists had libertarian political positions and wrote articles from libertarian perspectives? Remember when stories of government abuse, excess or overreach were never “too local”?

    • Bob Boberson

      Not really, I was only over at TOS for a year or two once I “converted.” It only took me a few months to realize that most of the writers there were just low-tax liberals. Then I came over here to hang out with all you degens.

      • cyto

        You should read back issues from the decades of yore. Tons of philosophical articles, tons of abuse of authority articles, tons of police abuse articles.

        And hit pieces on all politicians, not just a select few from a single party who might be rocking the boat.

      • Bob Boberson

        I remember going back through Balko’s body of work and reading a couple of his books. Top notch journalism. Seeing him succumb to TDS was very sad for me. No idea what he’s up to now.

      • Nephilium

        Don’t look Balko up. The current man with that name is not the same man who railed against police overreach and the like.

      • Bob Boberson

        /Edges toward twitter

        Nah, I’ve had a shitty enough day as it is

      • Suthenboy

        As I recall he caught a raging case of Trump derangement syndrome early on. A number of TOS writers did. There are a few decent, even good ones over there but most were closet lefties all along. I could smell it on them.
        I have deep suspicions that one of them comments here as a palate cleanser presumably.

      • cyto

        I have my suspicions that one of the progressive trolls at TOS might be a staff account. They’ve really gotten a bug up their butt about people calling out the editorial slant of the site.

      • Suthenboy

        I had the notion that when we were there they despised us. I am sure they were glad we left. Fuck’em.
        I dont have to hold my nose anymore when looking over their home page.

      • cyto

        I am pretty sure they despise me.

        I am good for about 1 epic takedown of their entire existence per week. Actually, more like a couple every other week, but the average is the same.

        I still harbor great anger at what they have become and at the deception that they hold out to the world, pretending to represent libertarian thought while spooning out DNC propaganda to curious newbies to the Libertarian scene.

      • Lackadaisical

        Like all leftie predictions it was more like progjection.

        Democracy did end because of Trump, just not the way they meant it at the time.

      • robc

        Balko was always a liberal who just happened to be right on police abuse.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Remember when libertarian journalists kept their antilibertarian positions in the closet until they moved up to their MSM job?

      • cyto

        Ok, that’s funny!

  21. Bob Boberson

    I guess this isn’t a new development but evidently the Biden administration has embraced “Dark Brandon” and is using it in campaign advertisements:

    https://people.com/dark-brandon-fox-news-homepage-ads-gop-debate-exclusive-7734825

    Warning: that link will give you an absurd number of pop-ups.

    We needed someone who would unite us and stop with the mean tweets.

    • cyto

      We are at $3.85 for a gallon of regular as a national average. I wonder what it will take to bring back those “I did that!” stickers?

      • Bob Boberson

        Incoming law making putting a sticker on a gas pump a felony in 3,2,1….

    • MikeS

      “Our supporters started using [Dark Brandon] as a way to talk about how the president was kicking ass,” Flaherty tells PEOPLE. “The underlying message myth is exactly what we want — the implication that Joe Biden is brutally effective at accomplishing things for the American people and getting obstacles out of his way, which is one of the core components of the campaign.”

      FIFY

      • Bob Boberson

        “Our supporters started using [Dark Brandon] as a way to talk about how the president was kicking ass,” Flaherty tells PEOPLE. “The underlying message is exactly what we want — the implication that Joe Biden is brutally effective at accomplishing things for the American people and getting obstacles out of his way, we hate you and we want you dead but will settle for your submission-for now, which is one of the core components of the campaign.”

        Bottom line fix

      • MikeS

        Yup.

      • cyto

        Nice.

      • Suthenboy

        I never thought, aside from Hillary, that the Dems wore the proper costumes. At least Hillary had her Mao suits.
        Biden needs a Mao suit. Obama…a military uniform with an absurdly large hat and a ridiculous number of medals pinned to it.
        Kamala….I dunno….a dunce cap?

      • Bob Boberson

        Kamala-Egor suit…..Joe is obviously the reanimated corpse……not sure who that makes Dr. Frankenstein

      • R.J.

        Biden needs a Darth Vader pajama set with a walker.

      • Suthenboy

        You win the day!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Yeah well, they’ve been leaning into this since the Mussoliniesque speech he gave that time. The man’s an authoritarian douchebag and his base of assholes seem to like so why not embrace it?

      • cyto

        They have learned the Jedi mind trick of saying “Those other guys are fascists” at regular intervals. It works like a champ.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    We are at $3.85 for a gallon of regular as a national average.

    $4.10 here.

    Let’s go, Brandon!

    • cyto

      I drove my in-law’s 8 liter diesel crew cab truck as a loaner for a week. $4 for a gallon of fuel in that thing really made every startup into a financial decision.

      • Mojeaux

        Was it a Ram? Please say it was a Ram. 😍

      • cyto

        Yup. Big and black, with lots of chrome bits. I suspect that it cost as much as a reasonably priced starter home from 5 minutes ago. It was very nice.

        He was making his money working for the oil companies in the Dakotas (until Biden happened). He made so much off of his per diem that he bought a huge camper-trailer for $120k to live in while he was working, and that giant truck to tow it. Dude barely finished high school and was making enough money to have investment homes, a $200k-ish camper setup and a 4 bedroom home in a rural lake resort community (the old kind, not the new fancy subdivision kind) and probably $100k worth of outdoor toys – all before 30.

        Not sure that is ever going to happen again.

      • Sensei

        +1 rolls coal stock

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      About $5 in the Bay Area.

  23. Rebel Scum

    “It’s a fine, womanly penis. I’ve seen it,” Tony said, his voice paralyzed with wonder. “Just majestic.”

    I believe the term is ‘she-nis’.

    • SDF-7

      <a href="Sheezus Christ on a crutch…

      • SDF-7

        Sigh… I just suck apparently.

  24. cyto

    Remember when the cost of gas wasn’t a factor in the cost of driving across town to buy something?

    Remember when a 2-liter of soda was a buck, instead of $2.50 and up?

    Remember when a good Ribeye was less than $10 per pound instead of pushing $20? (hint, not that long ago)

    Remember when the idea that milk would go for $5 per gallon would have been the punchline to a joke?

    Remember when chicken wings were the cheap bar food?

    Or more succinctly, remember when 2% annual inflation meant that the cost of goods went up 2% over the course of a year, not that the cost of goods would go up anywhere from 5% to 25% per month?

    Remember when claiming that costs going up by over 100% over the course of a year was “brief and minimal inflation” of about 5% per year would have had negative consequences for your career?

    • Not Adahn

      A pound of store-brand pasta is over $1 now.

  25. Evan from Evansville

    The last thing I need right now is Pervitin.

    Odd accident the other night. Rushing down the carpeted steps, my socks slipped and so did I, down five or six steps-worth.

    I cracked my femur. This time my left one, not quite all the way “through” my titanium stem. I cracked the other one right before I left for Korea, when a college-aged kid sucker-punched me and I fell on the curb. This one feels more painful.

    This was the day before I was to start my new job in the produce section at Kroger. I cannot walk right now and I’m pretty much out of commission for at least a couple more weeks and possibly (probably) 1-2 months. Broken things take about six weeks to heal. I’m guessing I’ll be much more ambulatory before then, though not at ‘all’s well’ levels of wellness.

    Very upset w everything. This one wasn’t even really ‘my fault’ as it were. This was not a blind-drunk “stumble” down the flight. I was purposefully sober. My exuberance rushing down the stairs was out of anticipatory excitement for my ceremonial plan for that day. This setback was the exact opposite of what I was going after.

    To provide clarity: Orientation for new job was supposed to be Monday from 4-7pm. At my parent’s condo/my home for now, I was getting my Set and Setting calibrated. Like I do before starting a new life (in another country, a new job, and other Big Events in life’s onward journey), mushrooms have been a (no joke) spiritual trip for me. I was getting my brain ready with a smaller dose, ~2 grams to properly get my headspace in order for this next big step in my development.

    Well. I’m having another step in development. I am trying to make the most out of it. As in, stepping up to the recovery plate with my eyes on the ball and ready to put my best swing on this new chapter of employment. The first step was getting the job in the first place. Then with more work, I was to expose myself to the structure and schedule of my new life in the labor force.

    I was ready to take my bite of the apple and continue my journey onward, upward, always. Now it’s important to take this curveball and apply the best strategies I can to overcome this new, painful setback. The quickest way to get through recovery is to BE the structure and stability that I’ve been desperate from since March 1, 2022. In the interim I had the dream job at the paper, but that was a tall task or a rookie to manage the county news as a one-man shop.

    Time to get back on the horse to recovery and to being better. I have to start with myself. The pain is such a good motivator to further myself. I am now FORCED to be the structured force in my recovery.

    No one else can struggle through this pain but me. Time to take it on with vigilance and temerity. Time to nut up or shut up.

    Tally-ho!

    • cyto

      Damn! I am sorry to hear that! That sounds pretty rough. How long before you can work again? Or more importantly —- hit the head without assistance?

      We’ll be praying for you!

      • Evan from Evansville

        Ah, work! I probably can’t do much of anything for a month or so. One doc said “one or two” months.

        One idea is to see if I can still learn and focus on the computer shit for now. Then I’ll be able to learn faces, names, and how the general flow of work is supposed to go. That would also let me learn the Bigger Picture of the store. I don’t intend to make this a career, but diving into the details is a way I can still help the team, perhaps enough to be sort of a general dispatch to organize the work.

        *Shrug* Always look on the bright side of life. *insert Monty Python whistling here*

      • cyto

        Time to start your onlyFans

      • Not Adahn

        You joke, but there’s probably a niche (therefore profitable) audience really into scars.

      • Evan from Evansville

        Uh. Chicks totally dig scars. The ones on my ass from hip replacements are about 6-8 curvy inches of gorgeous scarittude.

        https://youtu.be/ReBv3ihorGE?t=8

    • Evan from Evansville

      Whoops! I cracked my right femur on May 20/21, 2022, when I was suckerpunched by a Korean in Korea, just before I was supposed to LEAVE Korea and come back Stateside.

      That injury delayed my return ‘home’ by 2.5 weeks or so.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Why did he do that? You weren’t talking trash about kimchi, were you?

      • Evan from Evansville

        I could have talked trash about kimchi, but that would have been wrong….

        It was late outside of a 7-11 getting drinks with the expat community. Standard practice and hanging spot. Two guys starting boxing, but not actually fighting. They were purposefully holding back punches to just show where openings are and a ‘tap’ was considered a solid blow. They were just having fun.

        Along with dozens of others, I watched carefully and was kind of keeping score in my head. One guy didn’t like it and sucker punched me. I had no idea I was going to be hit, so I wasn’t braced or nothin’. I fell on the curb and a FANTASTIC angle (to cause maximum pain) cracked my femur down to the titanium.

        Unpleasant. Don’t even rippity-tappa-rap on the door of broken femurs adrift.

  26. robc

    World Cup Update: Both matches heading to tiebreakers tomorrow.

    Carlsen apparently wasnt feeling 100% so played a very boring, drawish line. They drew on move 30 in under and hour.

    Caruana defeated Abasov to send their match to tiebreaks.

    • Tundra

      Oh yeah.

      And that pic on the wall!

      • B.P.

        Mike Watt always appreciated his contemporaries.

    • cyto

      Thanks for the tune!

    • Timeloose

      Nice.

    • Nephilium

      I was expecting this.

      • cyto

        In honor of those memberberries –

        Remember when movies weren’t the political abomination that inspired the creation of an entire genre of YouTube movie critics as typified by “The Critical Drinker”?

  27. The Late P Brooks

    Queer strong

    “When a person puts the rainbow flag on his car or his house, they’re not just flying a flag,” Gilbert said. “They’re taking action.”

    Many business owners and residents who own Pride flags have responded to the news of Carleton’s killing with concern and defiance. Krysta Cavin, of Providence Village, Texas, whose children are LGBTQ+, decorates her front yard in rainbow as a show of support.

    “What message would I be sending my children if I stopped?” she asked. “It does scare me some, but not enough to stop what I am doing. Mama Bear will always fight for them.”

    Across the country, as Republican lawmakers propose or pass legislation restricting the rights of LGBTQ+ people, the flag has become the target of attacks. School districts and towns in Delaware, Ohio, New York state, Utah, Michigan and Wisconsin have voted to ban the flag on public property or in schools.

    ——-

    Bradley Smith and Eric Working are a couple who live in Costa Mesa, California. They first hung up their rainbow flag earlier this year, but took it down after having second thoughts.

    “It felt like we just put a target on our house,” Smith said. “The initial discomfort was too strong. We decided to take it down and agreed to wait and display it during Pride month.”

    They kept the flag up after Pride ended, only taking it down so it wouldn’t blow away in the winds caused by Hurricane Hilary. When they woke up to the news of Carleton’s murder on Monday, Smith said that he paused and thought about keeping the flag down, for fear of violence.

    Millions of people have died because they flew the gay pride flag. It’s Nazi genocide, right here in River City.

    What a bunch of drama queens.

    • R.J.

      I want a flag that says “I want nothing to do with you assholes” that I can fly over my house.

      • Homple

        I want one that says “I don’t care how you have fun with your weewee”.

    • Rebel Scum

      have voted to ban the flag on public property or in schools.

      It should have never been in these places in the first place.

    • cyto

      Do we know if the “was shot because of the rainbow flags” part of that story is real? I saw that cited, but after looking at 3 stories about the murder, I didn’t see any sourcing for the tale they were telling.

      • John Nerfherder

        Doesn’t matter. That’s the narrative. It has been set. There will be no deviations from this point forward.

      • cyto

        This is very true.

      • SDF-7

        IIRC, the articles I read say the psycho was on security cam tearing it down, ranting / “homophobic slurs” then shot her. Hence the narrative.

        Given the insanity on the guy’s social media feed, it seems possible. Just seems more than a little nuts and that was one of his fixations.

    • WTF

      legislation restricting the rights of LGBTQ+ people

      Left unsaid: any specific example of any actual rights being restricted.

      • SDF-7

        The right to parade around kindergartens and have kids stuff bills in their g-strings as far as I can tell. (aka “Don’t Say Gay!” according to MSM)

      • Lackadaisical

        The right to frighten toddlers with their antics.

  28. Old Man With Candy

    This chapter is less HP Lovecraft and more Fredric Brown than usual. What’s SF been putting in his morning gruel?

    • SugarFree

      Pervitin, obviously.

    • grrizzly

      Tass confirms that Prigozhin was on board.

      • Tundra

        That’s one hell of a plot twist.

        Payback?

      • cyto

        The wings fell off due to natural causes….

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        I heard it was fishermen on a rented yacht.

      • cyto

        It’s pronounced “Luxury Yacht”, but it’s spelt “Throat-Warbler Mangrove”

      • R.J.

        It was climate change.

      • Aloysious

        I thought they died of covid.

      • Fatty Bolger

        The plane committed suicide.

      • EvilSheldon

        Gen. Yamamoto says, ‘Hello!’

    • John Nerfherder

      Any number of people wanted him dead, on all sides.

      • Drake

        Depending on who’s theory you ascribe to, he screwed Putin, and / or the CIA.

      • Lachowsky

        Probably both. Putin for attempting his uprising, and the CIA for not executing it

      • Seguin

        Could also have been Shoigu, athough he is the first to get burned in the event one of the bigger players needs to shift blame. So maybe not.

    • Sensei

      Should have have gone coach.

    • Not Adahn

      That’s… not the behavior of an unmanned plane.

    • MikeS

      I didn’t see a window anywhere in that video.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Shot down by air defense? Question is…who’s air defense equipment was it and why was that plane in a location where air defense would trigger….

      • Ownbestenemy

        Ah I see. Supposedly Russian air defense….geesh

    • Lackadaisical

      Not at all surprising.

    • Lachowsky

      My understanding is that the Wagner group’s troops are mostly in Belarus near the border with Poland right now. I wonder what happens with them.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Didn’t the US just yesterday urge Americans to leave Belarus?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        What are you? Some sort of conspiracy theorist? Our pure US government never engages in nefarious conspiracies.

      • Lackadaisical

        Drafted into the regular army.

    • cyto

      We used to do exactly the same thing – except our wagon didn’t have those awesome tires and that lift kit.

      • Tundra

        Yep. Still ended the same way!

      • cyto

        Even dumber…. I lived on a mountain/hill and we used to barrel down the street, directly downhill, and swerve into a storm water cutout to use as a ramp for jumping the thing. Too far left and you’d go off a drop into a rocky ravine, too far right and you’d hit the curb at speed and wreck end-over-end on the pavement. the “good” outcome was landing in the grass and barrel rolling to a stop like the kid in the video.

        there’s nothing dumb enough that a few industrious boys can’t put their heads together and make it even dumber and more dangerous.

    • Suthenboy

      Take 3 50ft, 3/4″ hemp ropes and tie one end of each off about 30 up in a tree. Three ropes dangling at the same level. Now tie a cross stick on the downward end of each for a swing seat. When you swing on it use your feet against the tree trunk to push off and get swinging. Arm each boy with a grass sack half full of hay. All three start swinging around the tree winding up their ropes until they are 8 feet or so aloft. As they unwind they swing the sacks at each other like flails and see if they can knock each other off. We spent a good bit of time doing that when I was that wagoneer’s age. It resulted in much laughter and amusement, along with more than a few mouthfuls of dirt, bark and bloody noses.

      Yep. Boys are different.

      • cyto

        That is pretty epic, I gotta say. Too bad we didn’t have ubiquitous video devices back in the day.

      • cyto

        All is not lost though. My boy gave his sister a broken arm by making up a game called “bicycle tag”. Played exactly as it sounds. Ride bikes around and ram into each other to tag someone and make them “it”. Yes, my kids are designated as gifted in school.

      • Suthenboy

        Had there been video I am sure CPS would have showed up, even back then. It was pretty rough stuff. Not as rough as we got later on…but rough enough.

        *Later, mid-teens, we would have shotgun fights. #8 shot will still put heck of a welt on y ou at around 60 yards, but not break your skin.
        Also, you see the gun fire at you and at that range you have time to dive for cover before the shot arrives.

        I guess, now thinking about it, we were terrible little shits. But I look at most kids today and I am glad we had those times.

      • WTF

        When we were kids, there was a lot of homes being built in our area (new development), so there was always construction materials laying around on the build sites, and one of the guy’s dad liked to re-load ammo, so we would steal pipe from the building sites and gunpowder from the guy’s dad, and build pipe bombs and blow shit up in the woods. It ended when his dad realized how much of his gunpowder was going missing.

      • B.P.

        Same. Except my friends and I would go to a gun store in the middle of nowhere and buy gunpowder and braided fuse.

        Are you old enough to buy this?

        *squeaky voice* Yes sir.

      • Lachowsky

        In an attempt to try and dissuade my son from doing some of the more dangerously stupid stunts that i attempted as a kid, i just help him do fun stuff that seems dangerous, but isnt really.

        https://imgur.com/a/Dk1NuaU

      • Tundra

        Potato gun?!?

      • Lachowsky

        probably illegal in your state

      • Tundra

        Lol.

        My neighbor and I made one back in Minne. The kids loved it! A little over-engineered, but the damn thing shot a long ways. Pretty good boom too.

      • MikeS

        niiiiiice!

        That’s something I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t yet gotten around to. I can’t quite make out the propellant(s?)

      • SugarFree

        Many people use hair spray. Aqua Net is popular.

      • MikeS

        Fun fact, Aqua-Net is also good for getting ink out of fabric.

      • SugarFree

        Huh. Good to know.

      • MikeS

        It takes multiple sprays and some mild scrubbing, but it does work eventually.

      • MikeS

        Yeah. That one container looks like it could be propane.

      • MikeS

        Since I have my own lathe I’ve also been thinking about skipping past spud guns and going straight to a golf ball cannon.

      • Tundra

        Fuck it. Just get some DU and go for it!

      • Tundra

        We used Aquanet. We had a chamber with a valve and a gas grill ignitor. BOOM!

      • Lachowsky

        brute spray deodorant works ok, but propane is really the best. When i was a kid we used hairspray. Now that I can buy propane I do because it works better and doesn’t get the propellant chamber, ignitor, and barrel all sticky.

      • MikeS

        👍🏻

      • SugarFree

        We were far lazier as teens. We took full-sized toy guns and rigged them to fire bottle rockets at each other. One I made fired these mortars called Rolling Thunder that just shot an M80 about 50 feet into the air. (Those we only fired at cars and buildings and electrical sub-stations.)

      • Tundra

        Ever make a Polish cannon?

        Many a flaming tennis ball was launched. That one got us a cop visit.

      • SugarFree

        No, that sounds fun.

        I did make styrofoam napalm once. That was the only police visit I ever caused…

    • Ownbestenemy

      In general we are a high risk, high reward people

      • Suthenboy

        I did not see the US on that list. I vaguely recall some guy’s family receiving a bill for bullets when the local cops shot the guy dead. I dont remember the details.

  29. The Late P Brooks

    Jared Todd, senior press secretary for the LGBTQ+ advocacy group the Human Rights Campaign, said localities should offer protections to the LGBTQ+ community through laws and ordinances that keep Pride flags safe. “But a much more productive conversation would be what legislators can be doing right now to curb gun violence and the all-too-easy access to guns in this country,” he added.

    I should be able to fly any flag I like? Even this one?

    They should just go all out and make murder illegal, and then nobody would have to worry.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Keep Pride flags safe. Won’t somebody please think of the Pride flags?

    • cyto

      Interesting point about alternative flags that might inspire a reaction – you couldn’t even go to a 90’s Tom Petty concert and keep your job these days.

    • The Other Kevin

      Along with murder, make it illegal to destroy another person’s property. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this yet?

  30. Not Adahn

    The old rainbow Pride flag was deliberately inclusive (all the colors of the rainbow!)

    The new “progress pride” is deliberately exclusive. The made the decision to include “black and brown” people but not others.

    • cyto

      Are others representative of a historically disadvantaged community with politically relevant clout?

      Yeah…. didn’t think so.

    • cyto

      Only one problem with that poll. It shows Christie at 5%.

      Fat chance.

      • R.J.

        What you did there. I saw it.

        *Golf clap

      • Fatty Bolger

        Once he gets on a roll, he’ll be hard to stop.

    • Old Man With Candy

      War boner. Fuck him.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I am still confused about that.

        Opponents have attacked Mr. Ramaswamy for his assertions that he would leave Taiwan to the Chinese once the United States has sufficiently expanded its domestic semiconductor industry and that he would allow Russia to keep parts of eastern Ukraine in order to entice President Vladimir V. Putin away from his military alliance with China. Most recently, he said he would curtail military aid to Israel after stabilizing the Middle East, perhaps the politically riskiest position yet.

        Is there more to his stance somewhere else?

      • The Other Kevin

        No.
        RE: Taiwan, his view is that China is interested in a) national pride, and b) the fact that the US is extremely dependent on semiconductors from Taiwan. If we move semiconductor manufacturing somewhere else, then (a) becomes a less attractive reason for China to go to war.

        I follow Vivek and almost everything you hear about him is made up bullshit. Big surprise.

      • blighted_non_millenial

        I think the problem with that is reasons a) b) c) and d) are national pride and e) hosing the US on semiconductors is a nice bonus.

      • Drake

        After 50 years of keeping quiet on Taiwan, all of a sudden we have Senators and Cabinet members doing high-profile visits and loudly talking about arms deals.

        It sure seems like our leaders are trying to provoke a hot war – for whatever reason they do things. I don’t really think the Chinese were really planning an invasion any time soon.

      • Lachowsky

        dying empires tend to lash out.

      • Drake

        Yes – but we didn’t have Cabinet Members and Senators loudly bragging about them in public. They weren’t secret, but were kept relatively quiet.

      • Homple

        I’m so old I remember the Chinese shelling Quemoy and Matsu.

      • DEG

        He also wanted to send the military into Mexico to deal with the cartels.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Ya that one was retarded.

    • Brochettaward

      We are quietly and very stupidly heading towards a very big bright red line where one of two major presidential candidates, a former president at that, is facing being jailed at the county level.

      The progs are strutting around like jackasses because Trump was charged, everyone else is kind of quietly like WTF. How does this play out when he’s convicted? Because he is getting convicted. Those kangaroo courts are there to do one thing.

      Shit’s going to get real real quick if team red has any spine whatsoever.

      • Brochettaward

        Everyone is kind of just pretending things are fine. Your Democracy has cancerous growths hanging from its forehead. Things are not fine.

      • Sean

        Things are not fine.

        Agreed.

      • Drake

        They have no spine.

        The only question is who they are more afraid of – the establishment or their own voters.

      • The Other Kevin

        This. And we are also at a point where no matter who wins, the other party WILL NOT accept the results of the election. I hope I’m wrong, but I’m certain there is going to be a lot of violence. Fuck all those people who got us here.

      • Lackadaisical

        We’ll be fine, they don’t have a spine.

        But they will shoot a few old guys for mouthing off on the internet.

      • R.J.

        Soo… Us?

  31. kinnath

    99 degrees and the dew point is 85. We should cross 100 in the next hour or so.

    This is a new level of hell.

    • Drake

      That was Charleston last week. Brought back memories of Parris Island and Infantry School at Geiger / Lejeune. It would be 100 and humid enough it was foggy. And we’d keep right on marching for endless miles.

      • kinnath

        It’s now officially worse than I experienced on multiple trips to Singapore.

    • Old Man With Candy

      Here, it’s cool and breezy, barely cracking 70° this afternoon, down to the 50s at night.

      I just want to point and laugh.

      • Nephilium

        Wait a couple days (assuming standard weather patterns).

      • Lackadaisical

        Wait a couple months and it will really start to suck.

      • Nephilium

        I just hope the lake freezes over this year.

      • rhywun

        I hope that shit isn’t headed my way.

        Starting yesterday it has been spectacular and in August, no less.
        Seventies, 51 dew point… just lovely.

      • R.J.

        Staaaaaahp.

      • kinnath

        101 at present. dew point hanging in at 85.

      • Tundra

        We’ve had some hell-like days, but the rain is rolling in Friday and we’ll be back in the 70s.

        Perfection.

    • SDF-7

      Heh… that led me here. Reinforcing that Keanu seems like a down to earth dude, really.

      • Tundra

        Haha. Just watched that too. What a cool guy.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      I should have gone through every post apparently.

    • B.P.

      He seemed so well-liked.

      • R.J.

        He sounded like a mellow mental health medication:

        “Don’t take Prigozhin with alcohol. May cause unyielding flatulence. If a change in skin tone occurs, stop taking Prigozhin and call your health care provider.”

  32. Suthenboy

    Speaking of TOS being skin-suited, it is not just them nor just recently.
    The ‘But rule’ applies to most so called libertarians. “I believe in liberty but…” gets an eye roll or face palm from me every time. It seems herd animals are compulsively motivated to police the other herd members.

    Me: Dont hurt oeople. Keep your hands off of other people’s persons and property without an invitation. Outside that your business is of no interest to me.
    Now, fuck off and leave me alone.

    • Gender Traitor

      Poughkeepsie is “upstate”??

      • Sensei

        NYP – so anything north of Westchester.

  33. The Late P Brooks

    This way to the Abyss

    Thanks to a divided Congress and an emboldened right flank in the House, lawmakers will likely face yet another round of procedural brinkmanship when they return to Washington in mid-September. The stakes are high for the economy—the Congressional Budget Office reported that the last time there was a government shutdown, it cost the economy $11 billion and slowed the rate of economic growth by nearly a full percentage point—as well as some of the key institutions that should ostensibly garner bipartisan support.

    On Monday, the House Freedom Caucus announced in a statement that its members would oppose any short-term spending measure that did not meet certain criteria. In order for the group to take an official position, an overwhelming majority of its nearly four dozen members must agree—which, given Republicans’ five-seat majority in the House, is more than enough to sink any legislation attempted to pass along a party-line vote.

    Those stipulations would require the C.R. to include a hard-line immigration bill, address “the unprecedented weaponization of the Justice Department and the FBI,” and end “the Left’s cancerous woke policies in the Pentagon.” The group would also oppose a supplemental spending bill to provide additional aid to Ukraine requested by President Joe Biden. The recent emphasis by conservative Republicans on “wokeness” in the military, reiterated in this statement by the Freedom Caucus, highlights how GOP lawmakers believe this is a salient issue for their base.

    So-called wokeness which is at once a giant nothingburger and absolutely essential to the continued operation of the state.

    • John Nerfherder

      I’m reminded of the 90’s Jeep Grand Cherokees that would shift gears when you changed the radio station.

  34. R.J.

    “…last time there was a government shutdown, it cost the economy $11 billion and slowed the rate of economic growth by nearly a full percentage point”
    Good. Shows you how much useless grift is in the economy. Burn it with fire.

    • Lackadaisical

      Something is off there in their calculations.

      • Unreconstructed

        I’m gonna assume it’s the use of government spending as part of GDP that lets them say that with a straight face.

  35. The Late P Brooks

    Still, given the inclusion of culture-war provisions in the House-passed NDAA and the defense appropriations measure considered in the House, it’s likely that the ultimatum by the Freedom Caucus is a warning shot for the fight to come over passing a continuing resolution. With congressional Democrats in favor of approving a so-called “clean” C.R.—that is, one that does not include any controversial provisions tacked onto the substance of the bill—Republican leadership will need to determine whether it is more important to pass such a measure on a bipartisan basis or appease its right flank.

    “Keep doing what we have been doing” is a big win for the Democrats and the establishmentarian right. Yeah, sure. Let’s do that.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Keep the money printer clean, wouldn’t want it to jam up. Brrr!!