“He’s not going to take me to the UN?!?” the hat screeched. “You’ve got to get me back in the game!”
“We’re just worried that you might relapse,” the hair replied.
“But it’s the UN. Nobody loves to hate on the UN like me! And you know I want to perv on Nikki.”
“Donald just doesn’t think you are ready yet.”
“Donald doesn’t think anything. Don’t give me that shit. Look at me,” the hat said. “I am strong.”
The hair had to admit that the hat looked better than he had in months. His color was back to a crisp red and the stitching on the MAGA logo was snow white and tight. He hadn’t thrown up thread or strap chunks in weeks.
“Donald needs me,” the hat argued, “That USA idiot is fucking everything up! A DACA compromise? A budget deal with the Crypt Keeper and the NYC Capon? He ate Chinese food with them! You know MSG gives him explosive gas!”
“The USA hat has very little to do with day-to-day policy decisions…”
“Fuck that,” the hat said hotly. “He’s losing the base, dammit. We’ve got to get those DACA fucks back to their shithole countries and we must Build That Wall. He got rid of Steve, costing us the critical hobo vote. He put Hope in charge of Sarah, which you know is going to run Sarah off. You can’t put a hottie in charge of a fattie; they naturally revolt!”
“You sound like you want us back on the campaign trail,” the hair said.
“We are on the campaign trail!” the hat thundered. “Get that ignorant fucking USA hat in here and I’ll rape that fucker right in half!”
“I’ll try and talk to Donald, get him to see how much he needs you,” the hair said.
The bank of TVs in the Trump Tower wig had finally been turned on when the hair felt the hat was ready to go back on a diet of the 24-hour news cycle. The hat jammed his bill angrily on the remote and the volume shot up.
“The Paris Accords? We’re not backing out of the Paris Accords?!?” he yelped.
“Calm down,” the hair said. “That hasn’t been decided yet.”
“Then why is CNN talking about it?”
“64th dimensional chess?” the hair said weakly.
“I’m going to kill that USA hat!” the hat fumed. “I’m going to ship him to North Korea in a crate of rat meat! I’m going to, I’m going to…”
“Calm down. Try some alternate nostril breathing.”
“I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING NOSTRILS!”
The hat began to seize, shuddering and grunting. The hair pressed the button for the on-call nurse and turned away.
I love it. Great installment.
I wonder how many of your management observations, e.g., “You can’t put a hottie in charge of a fattie; they naturally revolt!” have come from working as a university librarian?
Now that would make for an interesting game – imagine the job SF has, and the reaction of his co-workers to his alter ego.
What makes you think this is his alter ego? In fact, he’s pretty much pure id.
Unless he is a Repo man, I think this facet of personality might be a tad dissonant in most work environments.
Nurse…. geriatric ward?
Reaction: code blue?
“That USA idiot is fucking everything up! A DACA compromise? A budget deal with the Crypt Keeper and the NYC Capon? He ate Chinese food with them! ”
lol
The real twist is if the USA hat talks to Trump too. He should have a Russian accent.
You could give him a stereotypical Hasidic accent, call it ((USA)) or something, and blame him on Jared & Ivanka.
No kidding though, you could sell this, or stories like them, SF. God knows they’re more entertaining than 80% of the stuff in popular culture these days.
“Da, Comrade Trumpki, is good,” the USA hat intoned, “You did wery good thing wit’ de DACA order, yes. Now, must tell base that Wall may be only, how you say, metaphor, yes?”
I need to see this in a rap video.
I’ll replace my Reason beanie with it, just to piss people off. My wife has the MAGA hat and an adorable deplorables shirt.
Hey, I wonder if the 45 beanie makes an appearance on Hat & Hair?
To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand “The Hat and The Hair”. The humor is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of religion and ethical philosophy most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer’s head. There’s also Trump’s optimistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterization- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realize that they’re not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike this feature truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the humor in Steve Bannon’s sign-off catchphrase “How can a man truly know himself if he hasn’t sucked his own cock?” which itself is a cryptic reference to Plato’s The Republic. I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons still at Hit ‘n Run scratching their heads in confusion as SugarFree’s genius wit unfolds itself on their monitors. What fools.. how I pity them. ?
And yes, by the way, i DO have a Glibertarians.com tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It’s for the ladies’ eyes only- and even then they have to demonstrate that they’re within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin’ personal kid. ?
*backs away slowly*
Didn’t someone just say that he missed Eddie?
I thought he was doing Ken
I only do me.
The kid’s a playa!
Is that one of those new fangled robot sex dolls you can rent in China?
Asking for a friend.
Soundtrack for HM
Not I!
Ugh, the only thing worse than stupid fans who don’t get rhe genius of “The Hat and the Hair” are the people who are just smart enough to grasp that there is something deeper but stupid enough to misunderstand it’s deep philosophical underpinnings, sometimes evem arriving at the exact opposite conclusion. For example, you claim it is obvious Trump’s personal philosophy comes from Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, when clearly it draws far more from George Berkley. And Steve Bannon’s catchphrase is an obvious reference to Albert Camus. It irritates me to no end when random internet commenters spout such drivel, thinking they’re university professors or something.
Usually when people talk shit, I just brush it off, but now, it’s gone a little too far. Nigga, you talk as you know me, but in reality you don’t know shit about me. I’m guessing you’ve never been in a situation involving a real live thug that was born and raised in the ghetto/hood of New Hampshire (i.e., me). Yes, I’ve turned my life to good, but I will throw all that out the window if you continue to talk shit about me. I’ve killed a few people back in my gang-banging days and just remember next time before you open your mouth, you better be praying that I’m in a good mood, or else you’ll be in for a rude awakening when the thug in me unleashes.
What the sexual intercourse did you just fornicating say about me, you little female dog? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Neo-Nazis, and I have over 3,000,000 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces reserves. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the coitus out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my lovemaking words. You think you can get away with saying that feces to me over the Internet? Think again, mater copulater. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, diptera larva. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re consumating dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in Ameri-do-te, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your callipygous posterior off the face of the continent, you little excrement. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your cunnilingusing tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you condemned by YHWH idiot. I will relieve myself with fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re Biblical knowing dead, kiddo.
Is it weird that I masturbated to paintings and illustrations of Civil War battles when I was younger? I read a ton about history and some of the paintings had like one dead Confederate soldier lying on top of another Union soldier in one part and thinking how they had died made me sad and then for some reason I started to get an erection, I would sometimes imagine I had been shot then lie on the ground rubbing my penis against the ground through my pants. Sometimes I’d get an erection and that would ruin it because it’s really uncomfortable to be face down with an erection. But I’d march around outside with my toy wooden musket and pretend to be lining up with the other men then open fire and I would pretend to die and fall over and lay there like that. It was enjoyable to rub my limp penis against the ground thinking about people dying in the Civil War and later other wars as well that I read about. This was all before my sexual awakening. When my dad told me about sex and erections and shit I almost asked him about this shit but stopped myself which is probably a good thing because if I hadn’t I would probably be in a fucking mental hospital right now instead of posting on Glibs.
…you win this round HM. Now can someone lend me their brain bleach?
[bows, bows]
Sugarfree as a car salesman:
SF: Prius? Those are for people that enjoy a nuclear powered, sonic doom cock up their ass. You’re too much of a bull-dyke. Check out this Tundra over here.
Customer: I’m just here for service. Wait, what did you call me!?
SF: Theres a false bottom on the tailgate panel that’ll hide 3 kilos of heroin.
Customer: OMG, I cant even…
SF: Lets talk financing, lesbians are always loaded. I’ll get you a great deal. We’ll get ya hauling woodchippers and Guatemalan hookers by tonight. Right!? *fist bump*
lol.
/Puddy high five.
On the flip-side!
Lol. I wish I could buy you a beer. ::looks at MS’s girth:: well maybe three.
Bash the fash. Newspaper thinks its a hoot.
TW: auto-play video
As disturbed as I am by the rise of social media lynch mobs spilling over to real life, it does warm the cockles of my heart to see some Neo-Nazi mongoloid get knocked the fuck out.
I saw one at my subway stop in southern Brooklyn a couple months ago – all tatted up ‘n’ shit. He wasn’t doing anything – but is it still OK to walk up and beat the shit out of him?
As long as it isn’t Prince Harry wearing an intentionally inflammatory Halloween costume as a…um…critique of, errr… colonialism.
Of course not.
But it’s also ok to experience a guilty pleasure in watching someone else do it.
I didn’t feel any pleasure watching that. I must be broken 🙁
Must be a Nazi.
Subconscious Nazism?
You are broken if you can’t experience pleasure from watching an expertly placed punch to the jaw with all the finality of a Buakaw match.
That’s why they call it the Sweet Science.
Well, that’s different. It’s ritualized. And they’re shirtless.
Of course it is. because symbols are magic and people are harmed by ideas.
Can we maybe airquote “Newspaper” when talking about the Post? Just think of some of the stuff they’ve published.
Still mad at John?
Not really. Mildly embarrassed that I let myself get suckered into another tarbaby conversation with him. Doesn’t make the Post less of a rag.
Sure they’re a sensationalist rag but they’re the only paper in NYC making sense on the Opinion page, most of the time.
So, last fall I subscribed to the WSJ for three years — very cheaply, it was a terrific deal — to read James Taranto’s Best of the Web column. I’ve been reading it for like 12 years. Then Taranto leaves for a vacation and later announces he was promoted and wouldn’t write the column any longer. All happened within like two months. That’s all I know about NYC rags’ Opinion pages.
I don’t consider WSJ “local”. Plus they’re all locked up tight so I can’t judge their Opinion pages anyway. I should note that there is the NY Sun still gamely giving it a go, online only. Though a little neo-C for my taste.
When I want to read sensible, well thought out opinions, I come here. Then I stumble onto an SF page and question my life decisions.
i assume that the armband wearer is in on it
Money quote:
“so I just held back with two other passersby to watch what would unfold.”
A bold stance for a mammal indeed…
blast from the past: China tests its first atomic bomb
***
TOKYO, Oct. 17, 1964 (UPI) — Chairman Mao Tse-Tung maintains that Communist China has nothing to fear from nuclear weapons. But his people have paid a fearful price to develop the atomic bomb of their own. — Mao is said to have told a Yugoslav visitor to Peking in 1957, “We have a very large territory and a big population. Atomic bombs could not kill all of us.”
“What if they killed 300 million of us? We would still have many people left.”
Mao has never said such a thing publicly. His government frequently issues statements like this one which followed yesterday’s atomic blast:
“The atom bomb is a paper tiger. This famous saying by Chairman Mao Tse-Tung is known to all. This was our view in the past and this is still our view at present.”
Students of Chinese Communist affairs say there is more to this that simpleminded superstitions or cynical calculations. What Mao means, they say, is that nuclear weapons are certainly dangerous but that no country will ever use them for fear of retaliation.
This explains previous Peking statements that “the United States is a paper tiger” because its “nuclear threat” is a hollow one, and therefore “the people can overcome modern weaponry if their cause is just.”
As to the cost to China of building its own bomb, President Johnson said yesterday that the explosion was a “tragedy” to the Chinese people.
Johnson said, “scarce economic resources which could have been used to improve the well-being of the Chinese people have been used to produce a crude nuclear device which can only increase the sense of insecurity of the Chinese people.”
There is no question that the bomb required diversion of scarce technologists, equipment and national resources at a time when China is struggling to get on its feet.
Mao probably never doubted that it was worth the effort.
***
So we can expect Kim Il Quinto or Sexto to preside over a rapidly-expanding middle class. Cool.
“What if they killed 300 million of us? We would still have many people left.”
https://youtu.be/yIMH50X0F-4
Man, at least two of the actors in that clip are dead.
My phone just rang. it was a local number I didn’t recognize, so I answered. It was a representative from the state police pension and life insurance fund asking for donations.
Hahahahahahaha!
“Sure, but only if you’ll make a matching donation to my 401k. Hello? Hello?”
In Idiot of the Week news:
Woman demands removal of decorative cotton item at Hobby Lobby
Dammit…thread fail again!
I simply said, “If the tax revenue you’re receiving are not keeping up with your budget, then maybe you should downsize.”
I was immediately hung up on.
Behold the Glory of Mental Titan Dylan Matthews of Vox
https://www.vox.com/2017/9/17/16322548/trump-hillary-clinton-golf-ball-retweet
President Trump retweeted a GIF showing him hitting Hillary Clinton with a golf ball
To repeat: The president made light of violence against women.
***
The specific woman the violence is directed at was and remains a political rival of Trump’s. Most developed countries have extremely strong norms against even intimating violent intent toward political rivals, because a basic cornerstone of democratic governance is the shared belief that violence against political opponents is not a legitimate tool for resolving political disagreements; when that norm is violated there is, correctly, tremendous backlash.
You can try to minimize the threat and say it’s a joke, or just a golf ball hit. But it’s unimaginable that President Barack Obama would’ve sent a tweet like this targeting Mitt Romney or John McCain, or that President Bush would’ve sent one targeting Al Gore or John Kerry. This just isn’t an acceptable practice.
Finally, there’s the basic immaturity of the retweet, and the lack of discretion and forethought it indicates. This is hardly a new observation about Trump, but here he is demonstrating a basic lack of shame, restraint, forbearance, and understanding of basic appropriate conduct for a president.
***
in case you need a face for the name:
https://am11.akamaized.net/med/cnt/uploads/2016/06/Dylan-Matthews-e1466090901142-300×198.jpg
Holy shit!
Now I feel a little bad for making fun of him. It’s hard to tell the difference between a typical brain dead lefty journo and an autistic lefty journo. None of them appear to understand humor.
following the footnote, here’s what some guy said about Matthews at the aforementioned award ceremony:
***
I was overjoyed when Ari told me that they had chosen Dylan, because in a storm of BS I always know when I’m reading a piece of Dylan’s writing, that it’s trustworthy, that it’s real, that it’s sensible, that it’s sober, that it’s grounded in data, and he’s also just a very elegant writer as well.
***
I can’t even head desk. I just collapsed in a heap.
God damn you. I had forgotten that image. But NO.
“a basic cornerstone of democratic governance is the shared belief that violence against political opponents is not a legitimate tool for resolving political disagreements”
Civilized and responsible ways for resolving political disagreement involves sending the IRS after opponents, or spying on rival campaigns, or threatening to lock up people with wrongthink views on the climate, or coordinating a media smear campaign against them, or making it illegal for non-government actors to talk about them, or…
“violence against political opponents”
Well, as politically irrelevant as she now is, can she (seriously) be classified as a “political opponent”?
No comment.
Well, obviously there’s an exception if your rivals are literally Nazis (with “Nazis” defined as “anyone to tge right of the dreamy centrist Che”).
I was thinking more about misguided judges and District Attorneys for Southern New York.
Sure they do and it works!
Most developed countries have extremely strong norms against even intimating violent intent toward political rivals, because a basic cornerstone of democratic governance is the shared belief that violence against political opponents is not a legitimate tool for resolving political disagreements; when that norm is violated there is, correctly, tremendous backlash.
Civil Greek Politicians
I’m torn between finding that reprehensible and rewarding.
I just found it funny. There’s a difference between advocating something and thinking it’s funny. Sometimes you just have to laugh, no matter what. The first time I saw that, I laughed. Remember how when you were a kid and laughed at your friend getting hurt while attempted some foolish stunt? It’s like that I guess.
That’s what the Taiwanese parliament brawls are for.
It is reprehensible for a man to hit a woman. OTOH she is a commie, so she would do a hell of a lot worse given the opportunity.
So I’m going to go with the Chris Rock Defense. I’m not saying what he did was right, but I understand why he did it.
I can think of lots of good reasons to hit a woman. Like if they don’t put enough cheese on my sammich. Or don’t toast the bread. Or if they hit me first. Or strike my children.
Yeah, weren’t these the same pricks telling us just a couple of months ago that the Public Theater doing scenes to fulfill their snuff fantasies in the middle of Central Park constituted high art?
If my brain was a spaceship, this is the part where computer consoles would be spraying sparks and doomed Red Shirts would be frantically performing damage control while warning sirens blared DANGER: HULL BREACH IMMINENT!
https://everydayfeminism.com/2017/08/things-i-wish-white-teacher-knew/
***
2. Words mean things.
Words mean lots of different things. You need to be clear on what you say and how you say it.
A linguistics study was performed by the University of Michigan that examined children who ask “Can I have a piece of cake?” versus children who ask “May I?” The study also showed that the kids who asked if they “can” have a different perception of their abilities and potential for success.
This is juxtaposed to the children who ask “may” to be more submissive and tie their success to the permissiveness of others. Hm, so what does this mean?
Many Black kids, who were taught to ask “may,” fear or respect authority on another level than the white child who thinks in the “cans.” Put that in your toolbox for a rainy day.
…
10. Black is beautiful.
This is the most important. I have seen young Black girls pine over the white aesthetic of their educators and it makes me so upset.
Not because I think white is ugly, but because while they complement their teacher’s hair, skin and blue eyes, they are putting the things that make them so wonderfully black to the side.
For example, I remember combing the hair of a white teacher while she inputs grades in her computer and I would compliment my teacher’s hair. I was obsessed with the color, the texture — everything about it I wanted.
The teacher agreed that her beauty was superior with silence. This is unacceptable.
***
Run.
Hitchcock or Bergman would have a field day with the psychosexual undercurrents here.
That is a thing of beauty.
Also, she used compliment and complement in the exact same context. Maybe her teachers deserve to have their bunnies boiled.
It’s funny. A major plot-point of one of my favorite SF books is a white guy who appreciates his black GF’s “blackness”, and actually misses it when it’s gone for reasons that are too involved to go into here. This was back in the freakin’ sixties and we’re still having this conversation?!
“A major plot-point of one of my favorite SF books”
Sweet mother if mercy, SugarFree is published?!
2016: A Space Hat Odyssey
“Words mean things”
You stupid, culturally ignorant, linguisticly ignorant, race baiter. Yes, words do mean things. “Can” means “to be able to,” so whether or not you can have a cake is less a function of permission than if you’re diabetic. “May” does ask for permission, and if you want someone else’s cake you’d better be asking their permission. So you’re slamming black kids, kids who were taught to be polite and well mannered, for not being as obnoxious as you.
I also can’t help but notice the lack of a citation to that linguistic study. I wouldn’t be surprised if it exists, but the methodology is crap and it’s dismissed as a crackpot theory.
If I had a nickle for every time I heard, “I don’t know, can you?” while growing up, I could have paid off my tuition with a bigass change jar.
Words mean things, a lot of different things.
Words mean THINGS. Words mean things. Words. Mean. Things. Different. Things. Lots. of.
Things.
Heh-heh, “things.”
I usually don’t agree with the use of problematic in many cases these days, but that sounds problematic.
For example, I remember combing the hair of a white teacher while she inputs grades in her computer…
What the fucking fuck? Who the fuck combs their teacher’s hair?
I seriously doubt this is true. But, if it is, you probably grew up with more serious issues than race relations to worry about.
My favorite bit from the latest Rick and Morty:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CUiyT0Uh6w
There’s a faint libertarian subtext. Morty’s good intentions often have disastrous results.
Although, you’d think on this particular alien’s planet, enough deaths would have been witnessed as to remove any doubt about what happens.
There’s a faint libertarian subtext. Morty’s good intentions often have disastrous results.
I think the whole episode with the fart alien did a pretty good job of establishing that Morty’s good intentions don’t necessarily result in good intentions.
Good results, I mean.
Beware the squirrels:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_AHCm0urak