“Franken fingered my bill once,” the hat says, almost dreamily, in the darkness of the Mar-a-Lago wig vault. They were due back in D.C. soon and the sticky, swamp city always made him think about molestation.
“How was it?” the hair asks, half asleep. USA hat had brought a plate of Thanksgiving leftovers back with him from Sunday brunch and they had all fallen on it like ravenous wolves, even FLOTUS, who was always watching her weight. “No one loves a fat hat,” as she often says.
“He has stubby little fingers and smells like quinoa farts,” the hat says. “Ran his fingers all the way around the rim of my bill when I was sticking up out of Donald’s suit pockets. It’s was pretty horrible. I know how those poor women he groped feel.”
“Al Franken gave you a rimjob?” the hair asks, an edge of mean humor creeping into his reedy voice. USA hat guffaws and FLOTUS hat titters.
“You know what I mean,” the hat replies wearily. “Besides, remember how upset you were when Fallon grabbed at you?”
“Hey,” the hat barks, “that’s not funny. That little shit had his hand all up in me. Five fingers jammed right in. And he pulled. Hard. I barely held on.”
“Yeah, you really took one for the team,” MAGA hat sighs.
There is a burst of angry syllables from the dark recesses of the vault.
“Shut the fuck up back there!” MAGA yells back at JAPAN hat. “Pearl Harbor, you buck-toothed fuck!”
Another long string of Japanese is hurled at them.
“I’m going to have Donald pack that Nanking-raping jizzhat up until when can ship him to the Presidential Library,” MAGA hat mutters. USA hat slips into a fit of retard giggles at this.
“Now, boys…” FLOTUS hat coos and then trails off. MAGA thinks about strangling her with her own adjustable strap and fucking her unraveling corpse. The vault could always use another litterbox, as well. MAGA hat counts to ten and the red haze gripping his mind relaxes.
“Where’s Donald’s phone?” he demands. “I need to tweet something.”
“Donald kept it for the night,” the hair told him. “Thirteen days until the Alabama special election; he wanted to send out some support to the kiddie-toucher.”
“Don’t joke about that,” the MAGA hat snaps. “Not even in here!”
“But the accusers…” the hair began.
“Fake news. Never happened. People got married at that age all the time in the Bible. Look at the timing. Franken. Conyers. Abortion. 2nd Amendment,” the MAGA hat fires off in quick succession.
“He signed that one girl’s yearbook…” the hair replies.
“Fake signature. Fake timing. Conyers. Franken,” the MAGA hat says in a relentless monotone.
“Is he OK?” FLOTUS hat asks, backing away.
“FRANKEN. CONYERS. ABORTION. GUN RIGHTS. ALABAMA. SESSIONS,” MAGA hat continues, his voice rising in volume.
“He’s havin’ some sort of fit,” USA hat says. “My grandpappy Stovepipe used to get those after he got shot!”
“SESSIONS!” MAGA manages in a strangled cry. “SESSIONS! SESSIONS! SESSIONS!”
“Somebody call 911!” FLOTUS says through sobs.
“Somebody call a haberdasher!” the POTUS windbreaker says, muffled, from the spot on the floor where he lays wadded and forgotten, a discarded turkey bone leaking grease into his nylon.
The hair leaps on coiled tendrils and lands on MAGA hat, spreading to cover him like a blond web, and then anchors himself to the floor.
“Sessions,” the hat whimpers. “Sessions. Fake news. Fake news.” He begins to weep.
“That crimson bitch is all fucked up, yo,” JAPAN hat mutters, but no one hears him.
Gold!
… Hobbit
Hmm… *squints and peers at simpleness of avatar design* You could have won, man, then we wouldn’t have Mr. Peanut as our site logo.
Don’t recall where I found the image. I like it better than this one.
BH
OMG it’s blinking at me!!
And… now it’s not.
I need another drink.
So I update my avatar for one comment and it changes it for all comments, Making Hyperion’s reply odd. I change it back and it makes my reply to him weird. Back to normal.
And I never noticed that blink before!
Of course it does. I don’t see how my reply is odd. What blink? You guys eat some funny mushrooms or something?
Acid flashbacks….
Ya I lost it and I pretty much had to give an intro background on your inane near-fiction to my mate. Thanks for that.
Hisses
“Franken fingered my bill once,”
Sounds almost bestial. Almost.
This episode touched me inappropriately in my no-no zone.
NOOOOOO, I am become Gilmore, destroyer of threadings.
So, you’re a little thread bear?
Good thing you still have that Get out of Cat Butt Free Card!
I was hoping someone would see it. I thought it was pretty clever! 😉
Late, but necessary.
*fiercely narrows gaze*
*bear growls*
Didn’t think you had a no-no zone Jesse.
I wasn’t going to pry, myself.
Hurtful, and it’s a metaphorical one.
P. Brooks is, unknowingly, a prophet.
And, of course, I fucked up the threading…
“Brooks’ Revenge”
I find it disturbing that there’s a new hat, and especially because the new hat is white. The USA hat is the white people of hats.
The USA hat has been around for a while, the new hat is the Japan hat, and if I may, I think it’s a mistake to start calling the original hat MAGA, He/it is The Hat. always was, always should be, the new hats yeah name them but The Hat needs no differentiation. Just my two cents.
The new hat is the USA hat, even if he has been around for a while. The Japan hat is insignificant and therefore does not really matter, he’s like a nameless NPC in a computer game or a prop actor in the film. And now, there’s a FLOTUS hat? I cannot keep up with all these hats.
The Japan Hat is the Nick Gillespie of hats.
/Just Say’n
It could be the Wild Turkey 101 talking, but that was a great episode.
FLOTUS can’t handle that group.
“Al Franken gave you a rimjob?”
*Hands SugarFree a gold pen*
I am going to go make another drink.
I know it’s an early OT, but you have to give at least a little credit to Leandra English for pure chutzpah:
In effect, her argument is that it’s her predecessor, not the duly elected President of the United States with the confirmation of the Senate, who has the authority to determine who has the legitimate authority to head an agency of the U.S. government. Her argument amounts to saying that the bureucracy of the Executive branch is a law and government unto itself.
“…the bureucracy of the Executive branch is a law and government unto itself.”
Even if she is right the president can still fire her ass, so do it already.
That’s only cool when we’re in control! /democrats
The way Pocahontas crafted this thing, he actually can’t.
So far, the courts have said he can.
Yeah, I meant it was written in such a way that he supposedly can’t.
You’re right.
Well, that’s what the Democrats intended when they created it. An unaccountable perpetual motion machine of a bureaucracy that would carry out their agenda no matter who was in the White House or who controlled Congress.
One of my go-to cranks went into this in some detail yesterday. He even used the word chutzpah!
The swamp is deeper than first thought.
Her argument amounts to saying that the bureucracy of the Executive branch is a law and government unto itself.
If she had been at NSA it would have been a more plausible argument.
I just hope both of these assholes are trying to occupy the same office. With one calling the secretary asking for something and the other calling a second later to tell her to ignore the other.
“both these assholes”?
If you work for government at a high level, you’re almost certainly an asshole. If you’re a political appointee, it’s a certainty. Sort of like people who have “Hein” in their name in some form or fashion. It’s an iron law.
Thanks for the personal attack – shows true colors.
I don’t think I’ve ever claimed to be anything but an asshole.
I don’t think your allowed to be here if you’re not.
Do things like that too much, and you will be a banned asshole. Got it?
Spot the Not: Lois Lerner
1. Receiving a thick questionnaire from the IRS is a behavior changer.
2. I have not done anything wrong.
3. Some dumb bastard has nearly a million other dumb bastards following his every tweet.
4. I have not broken any laws.
5. We don’t need to worry about alien terrorists, it’s our own crazies that will take us down.
6. Overheard some ladies talking about Americans today. According to them we’ve bankrupted ourselves and are through. We’ll never be able to pay off our debt and are going down the tubes.
6. 1 was a lie if she said it
I’ve been ignoring letters from the IRS for about a year and a half now. My behavior has not changed.
3 is the Not. Mom from Futurama said that.
https://youtu.be/mTtZNaIslo0?t=19s
Damnit, I’m confused. What month/year was it when Glibertarians published it’s first article? It couldn’t have been February of this year, could it? Why can I only see archives that far back?
Sounds about right.
Ah, ok, I finally just found my first post here:
February, bub. That’s right.
*taps pipe on heel and saunters off*
Hmm, I guess I hopped aboard the express the first month, I didn’t realize that, I thought I was later to the party.
There was a lag of a couple of weeks between most of the founders abandoning Reason and getting this place up and running. That might be what’s throwing you off.
I went looking for the first comment I made. Didn’t find it, but I did notice that Glibertarians.com’s birthday is February 12th.
https://www.glibertarians.com/2017/02/wednesday-afternoon-links/#comment-1191
Thanks SF! I got here a little sooner than I thought. Third day!
Also, The Glibs birthday is Feb. 12…
No problem. WordPress has a pretty nice backend search function for comments and commenters. And let’s us generate those comment level URLs.
This must be what HM calls Thicc-research
*polite applause*
Looks like I made the first reply to your first comment. First again!
Yes you did. And it looks like you beat me here by about 4 hours. Overachiever!
More importantly, Thicc Thursday’s birthday is February 16th.
Do you take suggestions for them?
Of course.
I defer to you. thicc?
the kong image made me laugh.
Proportions are off, I’d tap that ass tho
Are you thinking about doing a pin-up version for the next (or future) installment?
Rand Mansplains it, few understand.
Why I’m voting for the tax cut bill in the Senate
Good enough for me.
Way to other people who don’t want to earn money, shitlord.
Oh man… that’s nice.
savage.
Boom
Which reminds me; I haven’t said “Fuck you, John Roberts” in a while now.
*nods vigorously*
BOO! Stop social engineering.
You don’t claim your orphans on your taxes?
I look forward to the rebuttal from Ken Schultz.
Which means I’ll have to scroll 40 pages on my Android with my thumb to get through it every time I go up or down the page. Uhg.
while I gave up the school to program, I am trying to build a version of this place for android that has the unread comments button.
I’m still a long way off.
But I want that for my phone, too.
Would be nice
Or even like an expandable read more option for Ken and Derp post.
Complete with legalized heroin.
Oh no…not again
Crippled US destroyer damaged by transport ship
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/27/politics/uss-fitzgerald-damaged-japan/index.html
***
The USS Fitzgerald, a Navy destroyer that was damaged in June after a deadly collision with a cargo ship off the coast of Japan, suffered two punctures to its hull on Sunday while being loaded onto a transport ship destined for the US, according to the service.
Already crippled as a result of the June 17 collision that killed seven US sailors, the Arleigh Burke-class guided missile destroyer was headed to Mississippi for repairs but was forced to return to its home port in Yokosuka, Japan, when it sustained additional damage in an incident involving a heavy lift transport vessel called the Transshelf.
***
Instead of “rim job” shouldn’t that be a “brim job”? Just saying.
My hat is off to you, sir.
oh, well done, sir.
Dammit. You’re right. [grumble]
Don’t [grumble]. If we didn’t enjoy these, we would knit pick.
*wouldn’t
*nitpick
I was going with the clothing theme. (Post hoc rationalization)
USS Doh!
Britain not fazed by mixed-race fiance for Prince Harry
There aren’t any East Asians in Britain? Also, gotta love how the second sentence is automatically proof of the first one.
They call them “Orientals”.
People from Guam don’t like to be called Guamish. That much I know.
My Drill Sargent at Fort Benning was called the Guamanian Devil (but never to his face).
The way people casually cite any difference of outcomes as symptoms of “discrimination” is one of the more-popular forms of collective stupidity.
its the presumption that, ‘absent discrimination’, somehow all people would end up represented in exactly equal proportions in all things at all times.
Imagine.
That seems to be their general rule, although there are probably exceptions if the “imbalance” is favorable to minorities or women. After all, I don’t hear anyone complaining that there are not enough women in dangerous, generally undesirable occupations like cab driving, logging, mining, or commercial fishing.
And of course, if STEM became a majority female field in the future, they would celebrate this as proof of the superiority of female intellect.
Or more men in nursing or primary school education. Or as personal assistants.
Stay strong, girl.
Sigh. If the media hadn’t pointed it out, I would not have noticed. I’m not seeing the uh, mixture, really.
I wasn’t allowed to eat at KFC as a child either. Victim of racism or parent not a fan of fast food?
When I saw the picture I didn’t realize either until I read the headline…I couldn’t eat at KFC when I was a kid because we didn’t have one. I mean, I hate those dickheads who say ‘I don’t see race’, but in this case it’s accurate.
“Meghan Markle is the first person who identifies as mixed race…”
And I’m done. Didn’t even finish the first sentence.
So I failed my Treadmill test today, the Heart worked but my Knee blew out, now I’m stuck here wounded with bunch of Nitroglycerin pills and an appointment for an Ultrasound for My Heart, yippee!
Make sure you keep that appointment.
Good luck finding out what is wrong with you.
TOO MANY THINGS! I CAN NEVER KEEP UP! Flotus hat, windbreaker 1, Japan hat…you’re driving me mad! I’m only one man!
Excellent work as always, SF.
I just wanted to say that in my absence from commenting I have not been absent in spirit as I have been stalking all the threads from the drudgery of nightshift life.
OT for old times sake, and proof the EF may in fact be the best satire in human history
https://everydayfeminism.com/2017/11/asian-american-appropriation/