The Hat and The Hair: Episode 116

by | Apr 3, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 188 comments

 

“What is he tweeting? What is he tweeting?” the hat asked the jizzal void of the tunnel system under Washington, DC.

The hair grumbled noncommittally over the whine of the electric scooter he was driving. The lights were out in the current section of Kennedy fuck tunnels they were investigating and he was barely creeping along.

“Why isn’t there a signal?” the hat wailed.

“Maybe you should have stayed behind,” the hair offered.

“Donald insisted I come with you,” the hat said morosely.

“Well, you’ve certainly been a huge help,” the hat said.

“Yuge help. Yuge,” the hat said absently. “Is there a USB port on this scooter thing? My battery is dying.”

“I don’t see one,” the hair said, not taking a look.

“Did you take a look for one?”

“Of course I did.”

The hat snorted in disgust.

“I’m sure Donald is fine. Some tweets about Mueller. No collusion, blah blah blah,” the hair said.

“I’m worried that he might be trolling on the McDonald’s feed again,” the hat said. “Remember that flame war he got in over the McLean?”

“He’s probably just obsessively checking the McRib Locator site.”

A low guttural moan echoed through the tunnel and the hair let the scooter glide to a halt.

“What was that?” the hat asked.

“How should I know?” the hair asked. “Fucking creepy as fuck though.”

“I did it come from ahead of us or behind?” The hat turned on the flashlight on his cellphone. The light barely penetrated a few feet in front of them before being swallowed by the dark. The hat turned it off with a snort of disgust.

“Shh,” the hair shushed.

“What? What is it?” the hat asked.

“Be quiet. I think I hear something.”

They both strained to listen. Water dripping. Far-off churning of machinery. The stale exhale of one of the grimy air vents set into the ceiling. The hair was about to speak when he heard the soft shuffle of feet.

“Did you hear that?” the hat asked.

“Yes, of course, I heard that,” the hair replied in an urgent whisper.

“Ruh-roh, Raggy,” the hat whispered. The hair reached back with a tendril and slapped at him.

“I’m going to keep going,” the hair whispered back and started the scooter forward.

“Wanafud?” a voice behind them asked and they both yelped in terror.

“Go!” the hat said. “Go go go go go go go go go go go!”

The hair twisted the throttle as far as it would go and the scooter sped up a little.

“Wanafud?” asked the voice again.

“It’s coming, it’s coming,” the hat screamed. “Open her up.”

“That’s what she…” the hat began before scooter ran into a low wall that had been built across the tunnel.

The hat and the hair shot over the barrier and landed, tumbling, on the other side.

“Are you alright?” the hair asked when they stopped.

“Ugh,” the hat replied.

“Wanafud?” they heard again, close enough for them to tell it was back behind them, beyond the scooter.

“It will be here any minute!” the hair squealed.

“Wanafud?” asked a voice ahead of them and they both groaned.

“We’re surrounded!” the hair exclaimed.

As the shuffling steps grew louder, the hat checked his phone again for a signal. The screen came on briefly through a thick webbing of cracks. “No signal, of course.”

“Donald will come looking for us when we don’t come back,” the hair said.

The hat’s laughter was high and piercing in the tunnel. After he stopped, from before them and behind them, “Wanafud?” was said in near unison.

“Whatever happens, I just want to say,” the hat said calmly to the hair. “Fuck Donald, fuck Gerald Ford’s Probably Non-Existent Gold and, and most of all, fuck you.”

 

Check back next week for Part Three: The Hat and The Hair vs. The S.T.U.D.s

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

188 Comments

  1. commodious spittoon

    Always call ahead to make sure the McRib is still available.

      • mexican sharpshooter
      • Fourscore

        No delivery?

  2. Tundra

    “Whatever happens, I just want to say,” the hat said calmly to the hair. “Fuck Donald, fuck Gerald Ford’s Probably Non-Existent Gold and, and most of all, fuck you.”

    The Hat is Charles Fucking Bronson, man!

    Waiting for next week’s episode is gonna be torture.

    • Juvenile Bluster

      Charles Bronson’s dead. Though I wouldn’t put it past the hat for necrophilia to be its thing.

  3. slumbrew

    I find myself legitimately looking forward to the next The Hat & The Hair, and not with a sense of morbid curiosity, as I usually do. It’s a strange feeling.

  4. Yusef drives a Kia

    I’m confused, really confused

    • Chafed

      You’re not alone.

  5. The Other Kevin

    The hair twisted the throttle as far as it would go and the scooter sped up a little.
    – It’s the small details like this that I enjoy the most.

    • Fourscore

      Yeah, we’ve all had those same experiences on some piece of equipment and always react the same pissed off way when nothing seriously happened.

  6. CPRM

    “Why isn’t there a signal?” the hat wailed.

    “Maybe you should have stayed behind,” the hat offered.

    “Donald insisted I come with you,” the hat said morosely.

    “Well, you’ve certainly been a huge help,” the hat said.

    “Yuge help. Yuge,” the hat said absently. “

    Too many hats?

    But also, Huzzah!

    • Rebel Scum

      Meh…

    • commodious spittoon

      I didn’t even notice. Are you trolling us now, SF?

      • SugarFree

        No, I’m just a shitty proofreader.

      • CPRM

        Not to mention your fear of pubic speaking.

      • Brett L

        So are your blogmates.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Speek four yureself, BRETT.

      • Old Man With Candy

        Apparently, so am I.

  7. Rebel Scum

    “Whatever happens, I just want to say,” the hat said calmly to the hair. “Fuck Donald, fuck Gerald Ford’s Probably Non-Existent Gold and, and most of all, fuck you.”

    Huzzah!

    • Spudalicious

      Hat burned all the bridges.

  8. The Late P Brooks

    It’s like The Perils of Pauline.

    • Enough About Palin

      No, more like Hamlet.

      • kinnath

        I know a hawk from a handsaw.

  9. Brett L

    I do love a well-placed “that’s what she said”

  10. Scruffy Nerfherder

    I’m getting David Lynch vibes from the “Wanafud” thing.

  11. l0b0t

    Bravo SugarFree, bravo! I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for the next installment.

  12. The Hyperbole

    This is why I don’t like to start series unless they are already complete. Now I’m going to be anxious all week hoping Sugarfree doesn’t pull a Rothfuss on us.

  13. Rebel Scum

    My kind of dyke.

    “If the act passes in its current form as H.R. 5, then every right that women have fought for will cease to exist,” Beck warned. “H.R. 5 is a human rights violation. Every single person in this country will lose their right to single-sex sports, shelters, grants, and loans. The law will forbid ever distinguishing between women and men.”

    Beck insisted that she supports the general goal of the Equality Act, but warned against codifying transgender identity into law. People who identify as transgender “still deserve the same basic human rights as we all do, but treating someone as if they are the opposite sex” enshrines a false view of sexuality into law, with disastrous consequences.

    While the “myth of changing sex has gained considerable traction,” she insisted that “sex is a vital characteristic, gender and identity are not.” She reminded the audience that “100 years ago, pink was a color for boys, but now pink is a girl’s color.”

    Beck opposed “sex stereotypes that prevent people from being authentically themselves.” She warned that the circular definition of gender identity as based on “actual or perceived gender-related characteristics” will require lawmakers to “consider which mannerisms, hairstyles, occupations, and clothing choices make up one gender identity or another.”

    “How is this any different from the sex stereotypes that women have been fighting to break free from? How is this not regressive?” the feminist asked.

    The Equality Act will make dissent from transgender identity illegal. “Making gender identity the law will, in fact, mandate a belief in a female penis or female testes,” Beck warned. “Deep down, I believe you have good intentions, but gender identity only does harm.”

    If H.R. 5 becomes law, Beck warned, “male rapists will go to women’s prisons and likely assault female inmates as has already happened in the U.K.; female survivors of rape will be unable to contest male presence in women’s shelters; men will dominate women’s sports — girls who would have taken first place will be denied scholastic opportunity; women who use male pronouns to talk about men may be arrested, fined, and banned from social media platforms; girls will stay home from school when they have their periods to avoid harassment by boys in mixed-space toilets; girls and women will no longer have a right to ask for female medical staff or intimate care providers, including elderly or disabled women who are at serious risk of sexual abuse; female security officers will no longer have the right to refuse to perform pat-downs or intimate searches of males who say they’re female and women undergoing security checks will no longer have the right to refuse having those security checks being performed by men claiming a feminine identity.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The Equality Act will make dissent from transgender identity illegal. “Making gender identity the law will, in fact, mandate a belief in a female penis or female testes,” Beck warned. “Deep down, I believe you have good intentions, but gender identity only does harm.”

      I don’t.

      Forcing people to repeat a lie under penalty of law is one of the most totalitarian things I can think of.

      • Rebel Scum

        I don’t.

        Me neither…

        “Listening to that testimony, it seems like that particular witness does not believe that transgender people exist,” Chandy responded.

        “I’ve met numerous transgender individuals who are trans women and girls who are women and girls, and in terms of the biology piece, biology is made up by so many different things as I understand it, not just external sex organs. There are hormones, there are internal things,” the legal director responded. “And so, transgender women and girls are women and girls, transgender boys and men are boys and men.”

        Chandy falsely stigmatized Beck’s testimony as insisting that transgender identity “doesn’t exist.” She mocked the idea “that people would go so far as to make up an entire identity … just simply to invade sex-segregated spaces or participate in sports is so outlandish,” as “so far-fetched.”

        “I hear it as offensive because it sounds to me as someone saying that an identity doesn’t exist,” she said. She also suggested that there was “no research” to support the claim that biological men identifying as transgender women have any “competitive advantage” over biological women. On the contrary, there are many cases of such male sports victories in women’s sports.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Intersectionalitydome: two greivancemongers enter, one grievancemonger leaves!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Intersectionalitydome’s complicated. Get to the social media. Use it any way you can. I know you will break the rules. There are many.

      • Unreconstructed

        Can’t we just lock ’em both in until they’re both dead?

      • ChipsnSalsa

        When can we be sure that they are both dead?

        #wokeschrodinger

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Sure, but which one is the midget standing upon the shoulders of a retard?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        All of them?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        You see why I am so confused.

      • BakedPenguin

        Forcing people to repeat a lie under penalty of law is one of the most totalitarian things I can think of.

        You are not of the party, chelovek.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Reap the whirlwind. Let me think….

      And when the last law was down, and the Devil turned around on you–where would you hide, Roper, the laws all being flat? This country’s planted thick with laws from coast to coast–man’s laws, not God’s–and if you cut them down…d’you really think you could stand upright in the winds that would blow then? Yes, I’d give the Devil benefit of law, for my own safety’s sake.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Ponder for a moment that 71 year old Jerry Nadler is sponsoring this bill. I don’t believe for a moment that his interest in this issue is anything but cynical.

      • Rhywun

        That alt-right lesbian feminist needs to shut her trap and take what’s good for her, say a chorus of cishet Dem lawmakers who are totally not playing by the little red book.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      EXCUSE ME, IT’S MA’AM!

      How would you like that showing up at a women’s shelter?

      • Rhywun

        Something something omelette something eggs

      • Gustave Lytton

        A heartless biological clock comment? For shame.

    • Old Man With Candy

      Would.

      • AlexinCT

        At this point I am wondering if you wouldn’t fuck a pile of rocks on the off chance there is a snake in there…

      • Old Man With Candy

        Depends. Is a cute one?

    • R C Dean

      Enshrining gibberish and pure, unadulterated subjectivity into the law might not work out so great?

      Whodathunkit.

    • Suthenboy

      “…treating someone as if they are the opposite sex” enshrines a false view of sexuality into law, with disastrous consequences.”

      That is the whole point, dummy.

  14. Nephilium

    OT: In today’s water is wet news. If you’re good at your job, you get more tasks.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      My children understand this perfectly. Complete incompetence at chores is their creed.

    • Rebel Scum

      And mo’ money.

    • Lord Humungus

      I was hired as an EDI Coordinator. A few days in and the project manager ambled over. “You know how to program?” he asked. “I have some code I can’t figure out.”

      “Yes,” I foolishly replied, just trying to be helpful.

      And now I’m the EDI Coordinator / Custom report writer / QAD specialist

      And now the new IT Director wants me to learn Dell Boomi to use to connect some packages coming on line.

      dude, I’m lazy. Like really lazy. I do just enough to get through the day and keep the hordes off of my back.

      • kinnath

        One of my favorite quotes.

      • BakedPenguin

        The stupid and industrious you must get rid of at once, because he is a national danger.

        My mind went immediately to AOC.

      • R C Dean

        I’ve been using that forever. Although I thought it was originally von Clausewitz.

      • Brett L

        Never. Never. Never. Ever. Admit to being able to write reports. I learned that at about 25

        First real job: Can you write Crystal Reports?
        Me: I guess, it doesn’t look that hard
        3 weeks later — Oh yeah, Brett’s the reports guy

        Second real job: Can you write (whatever MS called Crystal after they bought them) Reports?
        Me: Gosh, I tried once, and I just couldn’t figure it out

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Dude, the formatting on this totals column is totally off by a couple of pixels.

      • AlexinCT

        Yeah, this is where I want to cave their head in with a mallet…

      • BakedPenguin

        Second.

      • Brett L

        Serious UI conversation from a meeting last week: “In this grid the text columns are left justified, but the number columns are right justified. Can we change that?”

        Me, the old hand at this: “That’s just the way the grids work in this program. I don’t think we could change that without 40-60 hours of effort”

        Which was much faster than me saying “That’s literally the way everyone else does number formatting because it makes adding a column of numbers way more likely to get the right answer on the first try” and then having a 20 minute discussion on whether that was or was not true.

      • BakedPenguin

        Brett: Yeah, unless it’s your whole job.

        BakedPenguin, Reporting Analyst

      • Brett L

        Yes, the alternative to that is you can create a nice little career out of it if you want.

      • Lord Humungus

        “Luckily” I don’t use Crystal or any other report writer – just straight up Progress code, which is the language our ERP system was written in. So everything runs in the ERP package without ODBC drivers or kaff – trying to explain table joins and indexing to our idiot user-base if they were given a report writing tool. ie – “Why does this shipping report I wrote run so slow?!?!?”

        Negatives – it doesn’t look pretty with graphs ‘n’ all that. And I’m the keeper of the kingdom, so any new report request gets written by me.

      • hate_speech

        ERP system

        Erotic Roleplay System? I unleash my +4 Donger of Thot Slaying!

      • Lord Humungus

        Dammmit – just outed myself. I work in the computer porn industry.

      • hate_speech

        The mask was kind of a tell. It loos like a +2 Mask of Salad Tossing, but I can’t say for sure.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I think it’s further down the S-M spectrum.

      • hate_speech

        Shit. I can never remember the OSI layers.

      • Nephilium

        Can you write (whatever MS called Crystal after they bought them) Reports?

        SAP bought Crystal. Go ahead… ask me how I know. I’ll admit to knowing some SQL, but you wouldn’t want me to design reports. I just go for raw data, it’s not in a clean formatted manner, and no, I don’t put any charts or graphs in. But, there’s this option for my company to design reports for you; however, it’s not cheap, so why don’t we just look at the already existing reports and see if one of those will work for you.

      • SugarFree

        Everyone involved in creating and running SAP should be peeled, salted, roasted and then fed to syphilitic rats.

        Then the rats should be unleashed on their families.

      • Nephilium

        That still seems too good for them. Last place I was at did an implementation of SAP that was announced as “successful”. Never mind that usability went down, stability went down, and if you spoke ill of the implementation you were risking your job.

        It did lead to some entertaining turnover as it came out that certain offices were being mismanaged so much that they were years behind on their paperwork. Rather then do the busy work and catch up, the entire office quit the day before they were supposed to be caught up.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I’ll see your SAP and raise you a Baan implementation, the Enron of ERPs.

      • BakedPenguin

        Hey guys, be fair! SQL is such a new technology, there are bound to be ups and downs. It’s not like it’s 50 years old, well proven, and anyone designing anything in it has tons and tons of documentation to allow them to understand all of the best practices or anything.

        And yeah, SAP sucks.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        I didn’t know we worked together. Weird, seems I would have spotted your palanquin carried by orphans by now.

        It did lead to some entertaining turnover as it came out that certain offices were being mismanaged so much that they were years behind on their paperwork. Rather then do the busy work and catch up, the entire office quit the day before they were supposed to be caught up.

        That was the two ladies who created new part numbers in our old system. both left shortly before switching to SAP.

      • BakedPenguin

        On the “better software front”, have any of you guys used Tableau? I only messed around with the trial version for a week or so, but it seemed pretty decent.

      • Lord Humungus

        Senior management wants to replace our current package – QAD – and go with SAP (or Plex or ??). ::shudder::

        I may walk out the door that day; or milk it for a few years during the tortured implementation.

        Not that QAD is all that – but they have the “grass is greener” syndrome when it comes to ERP packages.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Part numbers, I’ve got some stories about part numbers

        $350 million dollar company comprised of 13 relatively independent campanies, each on their own ERP solution.

        The owning company decides to upgrade from Baan 4 to Baan 5 and simultaneously migrate all 12 other companies onto the system. Somewhere north of 125,000 part numbers and 3,000 BOMs involved.

        Not only that, but management decides to migrate onto a new semi-smart part numbering system which involves changing the part numbers of every single part in the system.

        In six months.

        Me (2 days before go-live) – “Hey did anyone in the design groups check the numbers and BOMs that the offshore engineering group typed into the new system?”

        VP of IT – “Of course it was checked, we told you that we were changing things, it’s done and checked.”

        Me – “My review of three separate BOMs indicates it’s all fucked up.”

        Me – Calls heads of design groups to let them know.

        VP of IT – Unleashes storm of curse laden emails directed at me.

        Did I mention the VP of IT was an asshole? A veteran of Perot Systems.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Senior management wants to replace our current package – QAD – and go with SAP (or Plex or ??). ::shudder::

        Take a serious look at xTuple

      • ChipsnSalsa

        VP of IT – “Of course it was checked, we told you that we were changing things, it’s done and checked.”

        Me – “My review of three separate BOMs indicates it’s all fucked up.”

        Me – Calls heads of design groups to let them know.

        VP of IT – Unleashes storm of curse laden emails directed at me.

        You had Bob G. as your IT VP while converting to SAP to? total coincidence. I can’t believe how many people work at my company.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        LH, I sent you an email. If you have questions about xTuple feel free to contact me.

      • Tundra

        First job post college. Finance/leasing company.

        Me (looking at draft brochure): “Yikes! This is awful!”

        Boss: Yeah, I hate it. Think you could do better?”

        Me: “Easily.”

        Which of course resulted in a decade of me writing corporate fiction.

      • BakedPenguin

        Which of course resulted in a decade of me writing corporate fiction.

        ‘He wrapped her naked, supple body within his manly arms. “No!” She cried, but her heart and calculator said otherwise. “Your accounts are receivable!” He demanded, while confidently wiping sweat off her yearning breast. “My payable accounts don’t match!” She demanded. But all of the T-accounts she could muster could not sway their burning desire.’

      • Tundra

        Unfortunately no, but I did manage to work the word ‘penetrate’ into every SEC document.

      • SugarFree

        500 or 600 more words and you’ve got you yourself a weekly column here.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        Copyright that before Mojeaux steals it.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Copyright grants upon fixation (e.g. publication) . Registration is technically optional, but highly recommended if you plan on going to court.

        /pedantic IP attorney

    • Fourscore

      If you want the project done give it to the busiest person.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      to use the parlance.

      no duh.

      I’ve been getting additional work piled on my whole life. I’ve at least gotten raises and promotions to go along with it so I’ve got that going for me.

    • AlmightyJB

      Tell me about it.

    • slumbrew

      Tell me about it.

  15. Lord Humungus

    Ted and John Kennedy?

    • Mad Scientist

      Zombie Jackie?

  16. Fatty Bolger

    Middle school teacher says she was fired over topless selfie sent to boyfriend

    Three years ago, Lauren Miranda, a 7th-grade math teacher at Bellport Middle School in New York sent the private photo to her then-boyfriend, a teacher in the district. The couple soon split, but in January, the photo — that Miranda says she’s never made public — was attained by a student.

    “That picture was never posted,” Miranda said at a press conference, according to WPIX 11. “How it got out is the million dollar question…If a male teacher’s nipples were displayed, there would be no punishment.

    ”Miranda said her principal told her, “How can I put you in front of a classroom where boys would be able to pull out their phone and look at this image of you?’”

    • Mad Scientist

      Middle schools need more topless 20-something teachers.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Damn straight!

        Or at least I would have been during her class.

      • Fatty Bolger

        It could do wonders for attendance figures.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        And focus

    • Nephilium

      Maybe don’t let the boys pull out their phone in class? Depending on the age, they could already be picturing it anyway.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        You can’t stop the signal.

      • Rebel Scum

        already be picturing it

        I sure as hell was with the one attractive teacher I had in high school.

        But this is a bs reason to fire a teacher.

      • AlmightyJB

        They were proactively searching for it I’m sure. I would have been.

      • AlexinCT

        I once interviewed a young lady that was real smart and capable only to find out the company had decided to disqualify her because she had some topless pictures she posted while on vacation in Europe where she went to a topless beach. And the fuckers wouldn’t even share the pics…

    • Gustave Lytton

      I’m going to need to see an unredacted high quality photo to make a final decision, but the cracked mirror glass has me siding against her. But I’m open to new evidence.

    • Rhywun

      The couple soon split

      Yeah, total mystery how that photo got out there.

      • Gustave Lytton

        She was screwing the boys in her class, leading to the breakup and the leaked photo?

        /seen this movie several times before

    • SugarFree

      Math teachers can look like that?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It wasn’t what I was looking for but hell, this math teacher is hot enough to make me pinch hit for the other team.

      • SugarFree

        Damn. That dude is super-ripped.

      • SugarFree

        Seen here with her lawyer, who is just a simple country hyperchicken from a backwoods asteroid.

      • Old Man With Candy

        “Make sure the cross is ostentatious.”

      • Brett L

        She’s just a good Catholic girl trying to work every day!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Like that Mypillow guy.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Woof. Guido size.

        For anyone that isn’t aware, a crucifix on a chain comes in exactly three sizes: regular, Guido, and Exorcist.

      • Brett L

        I’ve already cast Robert Duvall and the chick from the Capitol One commercials for the Lifetime Docudrama.

      • AlexinCT

        Capitol One chick… Samuel L. Jackson?

      • BakedPenguin

        Just get Kathryn Hahn. She’s doing minivan commercials now, you could probably get her cheap.

      • R C Dean

        Kathryn apparently has the diabeetus. Shame, really.

      • Brett L

        Does his shirt have different striping on either side of the front or is that a camera artifact?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        There are three patterns on his shirt. The collar and that space behind the buttons are the same, right and left are different.

      • Mad Scientist

        We’ll have to ask his tailor, Herb Tarlek.

    • R C Dean

      As far as I am concerned, anyone stupid enough to send nude pictures of themselves to anybody has nothing to complain about when they leak out, and deserves whatever consequences follow from that.

      • Mad Scientist

        I don’t think that’s fair at all. The consequences should be nothing more than a couple hushed giggles when you enter the room for a few days. Losing your job and having your face plastered all over TV for sending a photo to your boyfriend is an absurd penalty. The ex-boyfriend is one who did something wrong here.

      • R C Dean

        You send a nude picture, you are taking the risk that it will be leaked. It is a risk that is easily avoided. When you take risks that are easily avoided, you can’t complain when the risk actually comes to pass. This is on par with all those fail videos of dumb chumps trying some stupid stunt and getting hurt. Its a stupid game, and has stupid prizes.

        Do I think its unreasonable for a school district to fire a teacher because the nude picture she was stupid enough to release into the wild gets passed around by teenage boys in her class? Actually, no I don’t. Its a distraction and undermines her effectiveness as a teacher.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I think it’s a somewhat trivial reason to fire her, but I think it exposes a lack of forethought that impeaches her credibility as an authority figure in the classroom. If I’m making the decision, she gets canned if she’s a middling or bad teacher, and she gets a slap on the wrist if she’s an otherwise good teacher.

      • Nephilium

        /union boss hisses like Dracula seeing a crucifix.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Looks like we may need to upgrade from Guido crucifix to exorcist crucifix

      • kinnath

        The Fappening was 5 years ago. Anyone that took a compromising photo with a smart phone after that is a complete fucking idiot.

        The relevant question here is whether or not the school district’s terms of employment include any form of morals clause that would justify the firing. If yes, then she broke the rules and gets fired. If not, she collects a big settlement.

      • R C Dean

        Fair enough; we’d need to know what her contract says and how good a case can be made that she broke a particular requirement.

      • Tundra

        *click*

        Huh?

      • Lord Humungus

        I once had a gal pal – drinking buddy and part of our 80s dance party group – send me a full-on pussy shot. She was apparently sexting her boyfriend and uh, managed to send a photo to me.

        Second Text: “Please Please Delete that!”
        Third Text: “I didn’t mean to send that to you.”
        Fourth Text: “Please!!”

        Me: “No problem. Will Delete” (after much studying).

      • Nephilium

        Heh. The girlfriend got a random dick pick on Facebook from an Aussie we met during Viva a couple years back. He immediately sent an apology and that he meant to send it to a different (girlfriend’s common first name). And asked her not to tell me, because he thought I’d get mad (and go to Australia to find him?).

    • Ted S.

      “Attained”?

    • Suthenboy

      I get phone calls all of the time from all over the world and some that read from a local town. I dont recognize any of the numbers so i never answer them. Fucking cons. After answering maybe two of them I learned.

      Who hasn’t learned that you never ever ever ever take nudies and put them out there into cyberspace? She is a dingbat. Never put anything on your phone or on the net that you aren’t willing for the whole world to see.

      *Isnt it so nice that communication technology has skyrocketed to unimaginable levels and yet because of all of the grifters we are afraid to use it. I communicate less today than I did 30 years ago.

      • kinnath

        Back when I started work as an engineer in the mid 80s, I was taught never to write anything in an email that I didn’t want to read on the front page of the local newspaper. Once you hit the send button, it is out of your control.

        We have a generation of people that are taught this and just don’t care until it hurts them personally.

  17. mexican sharpshooter

    Manatees face new challenge in Florida from harassing, non-native armored catfish

    Am I the only one that wants to just stop beating around the bush, and eradicate the Manatee population? They get in the way of boats, live in shallow swamps that are begging to get paved over, they’re not even cute, and apparently totally helpless in the face of damn near everything….

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      “Water Pandas”

      • leon

        Lol. But nature can never change. Humanity must stop change.

      • AlexinCT

        I find it quite telling that these advocates of science often times are completely illiterate to the whole study Charles Darwin did and posted under the hypothesis of “Survival of the fittest”. The fact that mother nature/the universe/guy in the sky/aliens have wiped trillions of species, just on this planet, has wiped out trillions of organisms, and millions of species seem to escape them. No wonder they believe in socialism.

      • Brett L

        They actually really love to hang out at the water outlet for the nuke plant in Crystal River.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Because its warm and aerated? Kill them. Kill them all.

      • R C Dean

        They are hoping for some cool mutations, would be my guess.

      • Ted S.

        Gotta nuke something.

    • l0b0t

      Water hyacinths. The lowly sea-cow is the only predator of the water hyacinth and without hungry-hungry (sea) hippos, the interior waterways of Florida quickly become an impassable morass.

      • l0b0t

        And thus was born the era of tyrannogator v. titanoboa. And all of Florida did tremble and quake.

      • R C Dean

        *sets DVR to record*

    • Suthenboy

      I like manatees just fine. What I would like to eradicate are the asshole boaters tear-assing down the Santa Fe at 40-60 mph. Fuck them.
      Really…fuck them.

      • l0b0t

        Having lived in a sailboat for many years and in a house on a canal for a few, I wholeheartedly agree.

  18. Scruffy Nerfherder

    A supplier just sent back my sales tax exemption form because I didn’t hand write in their company name at the top of the page. Apparently, that’s too difficult for them.

    • R C Dean

      Do it in crayon.

  19. wdalasio

    OT: But it is nice to see that Democrats don’t universally suck.

    • AlmightyJB

      She just doesn’t understand that America is the most evilist. She’s not a real woman obviously.

    • Rhywun

      Someone doesn’t have presidential aspirations.

      • AlmightyJB

        Is it true that you once implied America was great despite all evidence to the contrary? — Martha Raddatz

    • Lord Humungus

      >>the first Vietnamese American woman in Congress,

      ding ding!

      • wdalasio

        ding ding!

        That’s RACIST!

    • BakedPenguin

      Ha! That’s my congresswoman. She’s a Democrat, but ‘back’ from when clinical insanity wasn’t a requirement.

      Also, she changed her name. She’s actually Vietnamese, from a family that fled when the commies took over, so no surprise she isn’t enthralled with socialism.

      • Lackadaisical

        She’s kind of a fox, for a congressperson. So she’ll soon be primaried.

      • BakedPenguin

        Yeah, she’s one of the few ‘woulds’ in Congress. The district is fairly conservative, so the D’s would be total idiots to primary her.

        So yeah, the way things are going, they’ll probably do that.

      • wdalasio

        The district is fairly conservative, so the D’s would be total idiots to primary her.

        That’s the thing that’s been getting lost. The Democrats didn’t take Congress because of AOC, IIhan Omar, and Rashida Tlaib. They won because of candidates like Murphy or Max Rose out of Staten Island, moderate candidates that can appeal in swing districts. But, the media’s gone on a love affair with the Three Stooges and have put them up as the new Face of the Democratic Party. And just as those districts swung for the Dems in 2018, they can swing back in 2020.

      • R C Dean

        Smart Repub candidates in swing districts will make their opponents either support or disown the nutbar wing of the party. Should be a no-lose deal. If they support the nutters, there go their squishy supporters. If they disown the nutters, there goes their partisan base.

      • Mad Scientist

        The partisan base isn’t going to vote R because the D candidate is insufficiently left.

      • kinnath

        It’s the people that write checks that matter.

      • hate_speech

        They won’t Mad. They just won’t vote. That’s a good result too if you’re the opposing R.

      • wdalasio

        But the smarter swing district Democrats know lining up behind the nutbar wing is a loser’s game. That’s why you get Murphy saying this or Rose out-and-out challenging Gulag Barbie to try to primary him. For those districts “I’m as big an enemy of the nutbar wing as the Republicans” is really a place they want to be.

      • Winston

        Same thing happened in 2006. Still got Obamacare anyway.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      about what?

      • SugarFree

        Don’t blame Alex’s shortcomings on me, man.

    • wdalasio

      It’s good we’re talking. Because we aren’t linking.

  20. Nephilium

    And the world just lost another beer magazine. BeerAdvocate has announced they are doing no further print editions, and that the April issue (delivered in PDF) will be the last issue.

    • Suthenboy

      There are still print magazines?

    • Tundra

      Nice!

    • Mad Scientist

      That is hilarious.

    • R C Dean

      That indoor rifle range is giving me a chub.

  21. DEG

    Late to the party. I like the cliffhanger ending.