Joe Biden, in Video, Says He Will Be ‘More Mindful’ of Personal Space
“Have fun with that, Joe,” Donald squealed with glee. “Have fun being called a pussy-grabber!”
“Haw-haw-haw!” the USA hat guffawed at the television. Fox News had been looping footage of Biden rubbing shoulders and lingering on arms and standing behind women and whispering in their ear for nearly an hour.
“This is so much fun!” Donald yelled, digging the heel of his hand into his stubby erection. Fidgeting, he then clawed at the toupee glue holding his hairpiece on.
“What’s the matter with you?” Donald asked his hair. “It’s all itchy!”
Donald grimaced when his hair didn’t answer him back and poked his finger through it.
“Wake up!” he instructed. “You’re missing the Gropey Joe highlight reel.”
“Yew sent them down to the tunnels, Don,” the USA hat said.
“Tunnels? What tunnels?”
“Those tunnels under the White House that lead to alla JFK’s fuckpads ‘round the city,” USA hat said.
“That doesn’t even sound real,” Donald sniffed. “Fake news. Fake historical news.”
Sarah came into the Oval Office and shouted over the television. “Sir, you wanted to talk about today’s press conference.”
“That doesn’t sound like me,” Donald replied, turning the television volume down.
“You called me this morning at my house?” Sarah prompted. “At 3:30, sir.”
“Fake news,” Donald said. He rose from his desk and walked up to Sarah. She visibly fought the urge to step back as he got close and touched his forehead to hers.
“Does this make you uncomfortable, Pie?” he asked. Before she answered, Donald stepped behind her and began to knead her shoulders, digging painfully into her trapezi. “What about this?” he asked, his Diet Coke breath ruffling her hair.
“S-S-S-sir,” she managed to stammer. She felt him bury his face into the back of her head, shaking back and forth to burying his nose into the nape of her neck. He sniffed her with a prolonged inhalation.
“Nothing,” he said, withdrawing. “Nothing at all. Not even a little twitch.”
“Sir?” she asked.
Donald sat back down at his desk and put his feet up. “Your head smells like soup, Pie,” he said. “Maybe you should switch shampoos.”
“Campbell’s makes shamPOO?’ the USA hat asked. “Har-har-har.”
“Do you need anything else, sir?” Sarah asked, shaking all over, horripilation peppering her arms and neck.
Donald waved her away and turned the volume back up on the television. Fox News was now running the Biden loop at twice speed, Benny Hill version of “Yakety Sax” for a soundtrack.
“Turn me ovah, Donnie!” USA hat said through his laughter, “I wanna watch it upside-down!”
The first creature stepped out of the gloom of the dark tunnel and into the feeble light of the crashed scooter. Hankering, gross, nude, it played idly with a huge, twisted erection, a foot-long bar of deformed meat. “Wanafud?” it asked as yellowish semen dribbled to the floor of the tunnel.
“Wanafud?” came a voice behind them. The hat and hair turned to see a similarly deformed monstrosity also step into the light. Its penis was almost sharp looking, and yet bent back on itself at the tip, like a murderous fuck harpoon.
The hat and the hair huddled together, shaking.
“What do they want?” the hair whispered.
“Rape, judging by the erections,” the hat said.
“There can’t be much food down here,” the hat said, a new horror dawning in his voice. “What if they want to eat us?”
“Or rape us, then eat us,” the hat said. “Or eat us, then rape whatever they can’t digest.”
“What is wrong with you?” the hair asked.
“I’m just being realistic,” the hat said.
“Wanafud? Wanafud?” came even more voices down the dark tunnel.
“We have to get out of here,” the hat said.
“The scooter is totaled,” the hair began when the hat bounded off the floor and landed on top of him.
“Aww,” said the hair, “You’re going to protect me.”
“Fuck that,” said the hat. “I’m going to ride you.”
“What? You’re way too heavy!”
“Are you calling me fat?” the hat asked, shocked.
“Wanafud?” asked the closest grotesque.
“Run,” the hat commanded.
“I can’t, I just can’t,” the hair moaned.
“Haven’t you figured out what they are saying yet?” the hat asked, cruelty in his voice. “‘Want to fuck?’ is what they are saying. Do you? Do you want to fuck?” The hat slapped the hair painfully with his band and they took off, dozens of the hair’s tendrils digging into the cum-crusted floor of the tunnel and scaling the low crude wall to run back down the tunnel.
“Yee-Haw!” the hat yelled and they dodged a hideous over-developed hand and wrist swooping down to capture them. They careened off the wall of the tunnel, corrected and took off in a disturbing scuttle.
“Are they following us?” the hair asked.
“I can’t see them,” the hat said, not bothering to look back.
“What are those fucking things?” the hair asked.
“You didn’t recognize the brow? The hair?” the hat asked.
“Oh, God. Oh, no,” the hair moaned.
“Yes, they are the bastardated spawn of JFK!” the hat said gleefully. “Down in the tunnels for decades, fucking each other, breeding, sliding down the evolutionary scale toward Alabama…”
The hat skidded to a stop and the hat flew off of him.
“What the fuck?” the hat asked.
“It’s the intersection,” the hair said, panting. “I’m trying to figure out which way to go.”
“Wanafud?” came down the tunnel in a mournful sigh.
“You better figure it out fast,” the hat said. “They are definitely going to fuck us and eat us. Probably been fucking and eating each other for years now.”
The hair shot out manipulatory hairs and drew the hat back on top of him.
“I think I see lights up ahead!” the hair said as they shot off down the right-hand tunnel.
Donald was spooning Sarah on the new White House couch, the angry stub of his erection jammed into one of her folds of back fat.
“Does this make you uncomfortable?” Donald asked. “It’s just nonsexual touching.”
“I’m fine, sir,” she said. She squirmed and peed a little.
Donald’s hand moved up her body and settled on her neck. He began to squeeze.
“Just a little nonsexual choking,” he whispered. “This is just normal human stuff, right?”
“She’s too much woman fer yew!” the USA hat crowed. “Yew can barely get yr hand ‘round her fat neck!”
“WANAFUD?!?” the shambling monstrosity following them bellowed.
“Run, you hairy sumbitch!” the hat yelled at the hair.
“I can’t see anything!” came the muffled voice of the hair.
“Thay gonna fuck us!” the hat screeched.
“Stop fake code-switching!” the hair snapped.
“No collusion with pussy,” Donald said in a hoarse whisper. “No non-sexual obstruction.”
Sarah groaned.
“CLIMB THE LADDER!” the hat screamed.
“I CAN’T!” the hair screamed in pain and terror.
“YOU WANA GET FUDED? DO YOU?!?”
“Pie?” Donald asked. “Are you still comfortable? Am I making you comfortable?”
Sarah said, “I don’t know, Mr. President.”
Donald dug his penis stub deeper into her back pudge. “It’s OK. You can call me ‘Donald President’ if you want to.”
“Slam the hatch!” the hat yelled.
“It’s too heavy!” the hair sobbed.
“Can I watch you eat a Big Mac?” Donald asked.
The hat flew through the doggie door from the Presidential Shitter and tumbled into the Oval Office.
“Get off of me!” the hair said, bucking the hat off and onto the floor.
“Where have you guys been?!?” Donald asked them.
“Oh my God, Donald,” the hair said sternly. “Get off Sarah. Now. Get off, get off, get off!”
“Non-sexual!” Donald said. “Like Biden! I’m being like Biden!”
“No, Donald!” the hair yelled. “Bad Donald! Bad Donald”
USA Hat laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Get that redneck piece of shit out of here!” the hat screamed.
“Bad Donald!” the hair said again. “Where is the damn spray bottle?”
Huzzah!
That, Sugarfree, was a work of art. I love the interplay of tension between the two story lines.
“Stop fake code-switching!” the hair snapped.
Nice.
Are the Hat and the Hair now members of #metoo?
“Stop fake code-switching!” the hair snapped.
I don’t think the chap-a quit it. Instead, he just rode the plane into the ocean.
he*
nope I was right the first time.
*needs to lay off the cold medicine*
murderous fuck harpoon
That was funny enough I nearly stopped there thinking it couldn’t get better. But it did.
*Standing, roaring applause*
*Joins standing ovation*
This may seem off-topic, but it isn’t.
Another mild recipe, finally a dark mild, from 1904. But it weights in at 7.5% ABV, which isn’t anything like a modern dark mild.
http://barclayperkins.blogspot.com/2019/04/lets-brew-wednesday-1904-tetley-xx.html
How is this not off-topic? If you read above, like I made the mistake of doing, you need to drink something this strong. And lots of it.
Thanks for these posts.
He has one every Wednesday, but lots of them are boring. These last 3 weeks have been interesting, at least to me. The evolution of certain styles over time is cool. And no style changed more than Mild while keeping the same name.
I have somehow missed the boring ones. Then again, I’m a sick fuck.
I think someone must have misread something. But I could be wrong, maybe that comment was entirely appropriate.
It was, given my tastes in alcohol.
BTW, his website design is dreadful. Interesting content, though.
His travel stories are often interesting. His Zoigl travels have inspired a future vacation plan of mine.
Travel to small towns in a remote corner of Germany and try to find who is serving the local beer that day. Go and drink it.
That was pretty much what Spud and I did in France and Italy with wine. So there was a definite sense of familiarity…
One thing that both amuses and annoys me is that dark mild and light mild are often the exact same beer only with caramel color added to the first. They are rarely to never colored via dark malts. This is the exact opposite of everything the American homebrew and craft communities do.
Probably to sate those who either “don’t like dark beer” or “only like dark beer”. While I applaud people bringing back some of the forgotten/extinct styles, I think we can keep the modern practices over the old ones.
I agree, but it annoys beer historian’s when some American homebrewer says “This is how British style X is made” when it has never been made that way (in Britain).
Pattinson has a lot to say about American versions of Scottish Ale. And little of it is good.
I think we can keep the modern practices over the old ones.
Like brewing with processed corn syrup? Or with rice?
I think both of those are actually old practices.
I am familiar with maze flakes, but not processed corn syrup.
I am not familiar with rice as an adjunct, but probably shouldn’t rule it out.
Then again, 18th century is still modern brewing to me.
I am not sure about corn syrup, but lots of processed sugar syrups have been used, so why not corn? And rice has been used at least since the 19th century.
Neither is the problem. Having >30% of your beer being one of those is the problem.
Brewing with adjuncts has been around since people realized it worked. The monks use flour and beet sugar (cause it was cheap and made stronger beer). I’ve brewed several beers with rolled oats or corn. I haven’t used rice yet, but Great Divide had a rice based beer that was pretty good.
Stupid work keeping me from good conversations. I’ve taught at least three different groups of people (of varying knowledge levels) the same information on how the phone system works this week.
“how the phone system works”
Poorly.
Did I get it right?
robc: This is more of a call comes into the system, how does it get assigned to things, and how do you track it through all of those paths. One of the tier one guys expressed some interest when some requests got assigned to him that were way above his paygrade, so I went through some of the basics with him. A couple other people here found out that I knew a lot more then they did in those areas, so I walked them through some of it. Then one of the employees of the company heard me going over it with them, and asked me to walk him through it.
If I have to go over it for more people tomorrow, I may just record it.
SugarFree, you’re disgusting.
It is known.
A true genius of disgusting, however.
I’m kind of bothered that the narrative structure managed to make Donald’s portion of it more grotesque than cannibal inbred fuckmutants. That shouldn’t have been doable, and yet…here we are.
I was increasingly afraid we were going to get a cocktail weenie down a hallway moment between Donnie and Pie.
True talent.
And yet…here you are.
Who said that was a disparaging remark…or that it repelled Glibs commenters???
I’m just saying we’re all here in spite of that.
H&H is like a house fire: strangely compelling.
I think my comment was received in the exact way it was intended.
house fire is very apt description.
Welp, lunch time.
Ox tails or turkey necks?
This was the best episode since The Devil in the Dark.
NO FUD I
All things being equal, I’d rather sexually harass Hope Hicks.
I’d rather get sexually harassed by Hope Hicks.
I hope to harrass some hicks sexually.
+1 purty mouth
FUD, indeed.
OT: Speaking of large black holes, they took a picture of one.
and next to that galaxy they found crudely etched on an asteroid ‘SPACE SMITH WAS HERE’
Also, speaking of event horizons in a SugarFree thread.
That has Hillary 2020 campaign ad written all over it.
Was the Donald trying to fuck Pie’s fat rolls because of this revelation?
Might be time to buy popcorn futures.
To watch Donny throwing his hot dog down that hallway, or to watch the shitshow that follows this revelation and forces an investigation?
Shitshow. Imagine the leftist response of there’s no case to answer on Russian collusion by Trump but the AG starts prosecutions of people involved with Hillary’s campaign
We would need something other than popcorn for that. The popcorn gets all soggy when inundated with prog tears.
No, but the idea of Donald singing “The Spy” is haunting my mind now.
♫I’m a spy in the house of love
♫I know the dream, that you’re dreamin’ of
♫I know the word that you long to hear
♫I know your deepest, secret fear
as he does a slow striptease and runs into furniture.
Nice.
To help the Millennials visualize.
*HURK*
Some Congresshole got all offended by his use of the word “spying”, so Barr asked it if “unauthorized surveillance” would be OK.
Ya know, if I was a Dem, and all kinds of Dem apparats were being implicated in a massive criminal conspiracy, I might not be such a dick to the Attorney General. Just, ya know, seems prudent.
I know this was covered somewhere earlier, but I enjoyed the concluding statements in this particular article.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/oregon-deputies-guns-drawn-respond-report-intruder-find-roomba-vacuum-n992996
“With guns drawn, deputies open the door to encounter the suspect … an automated robot vacuum,” the statement said.
The statement added that the Roomba was performing a “very thorough vacuuming job.”
It’s unclear if the Roomba has retained an attorney.
The fuck tunnel creatures were reminiscent of the rape room in The Jesus Incident by Bill Ransom and Frank Herbert.
? I need to go back and re-read that. Loved that series.
That was a good series.
It’s been so long since I read it I don’t remember the rape room. Maybe I should re-read it too.
I think that was the only book in the series that I read. That was some weird shit, lol.
Finally saw the new Rav4 commercial. Definitely needs an spinoff Subaru Horror Theatre about it.
LT_Fish is right there with you:
https://twitter.com/FishLikesFlicks/status/1115748594882154501
https://youtu.be/LjqI0kSeATA
https://youtu.be/sjQ5_nEZTjg
And not to leave our Nipglibs out
https://youtu.be/aJpllq1PFLo
“What if you just knocked me up?”
“What if I wasn’t wearing this sock cap?”
“What if I begin shitting uncontrollably out here in the woods?”
“What if I faked my death?”
“What if my Rav4 is boarded by pirates?”
“What if we did write any actual dialogue for this commercial?”
Seen in the LT’s feed, Anzac services to be scaled down due to security concerns.
I think Kipling said it best
I’m a Shitlord, so therefore I larfed.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6906411/Jessy-Taylor-cries-prospect-9-5-job-Instagram
“I’m nothing without my following,” she cries. “I am nothing without my following.”
~ef
Edit fairy!!!
larded fits.
Thx!
I too larfed. Does she think that influencer thing is going to last forever? And I hate to break it to her, she’s still a fucking sex worker.
I only see it getting worse.
That was my thought too. She’s still using her body to get money, it’s just from a bigger audience.
Stripper and whores are more honest than those instagram THOTS in some ways. The deal is explicit.
Where’s HM to use that “cummies” world I don’t 100% understand.
…but, but Gerald Ford’s gold?
Fake news.
You don’t already have Gerald Ford’s gold?
Well, the semen did have a yellowish tinge…
?
“Gerry Ford’s Gold, the first facial moisturizer guaranteed to make you look more like a Kennedy… intern”
Here
This is giving me flashbacks of my football coach giving me the play to run in.
This is giving me flashbacks of my football coach giving me the play to run in.
These euphemisms are getting really obscure.
Good flashbacks or bad flashbacks?
*Inhales deeply then blows on me*
Double right – Zap – 47 waggle.
Does that make you the center, or the quarterback?
Did you play for Penn State?
Kim Kardashian, Esq.
The law is an ass.
clap clap clap.
Color me impressed.
STEVE SMITH RAPE SPECIES TO EXTINCTION PART MXXXCCXCMMXXXMXMMXXXVIII
Ancient Bones And Teeth Found In A Philippine Cave May Rewrite Human History.
Another re-write? C’mon the last one was supposed to be definitive.
Mucho busy, but I had to check in with the observation that the gif for the Charmed recap on the main page looks like weapons-grade bitchiness, triple distilled. Holy crap, the attitude that comes through is just . . . frightening.
Also busy, but I took time during lunch to read the recap of Charmed.
It’s Poe’s Law in action – it’s either a vicious satire or it’s the dumbest thing to ever get made (to date).
And I just realized the gif is from the original series. A gif from the current series would make that look happy and light.
https://www.engadget.com/2019/04/10/amazon-employees-call-for-climate-change-plan/
I’m thinking we’re not going to have to worry about the current Big Tech monopolists all that much longer.
Ditto. Their dreaming of being world-dominating Bond villains is a self-solving problem.
I have a climate change plan.
JFC, what are these morons thinking? I wish I could get one to describe in detail what their world without fossil fuels looks like.
*I know what it looks like. I am wondering what they THINK it looks like.
It’ll be like Germany, which is eliminating fossil fuels by having them burned in other countries instead.
In unrelated news, Amazon terminated 3,541 team members today.
Seriously, do people not understand that it’s probably not in their interest to advocate for the destruction of the company they’re working for…? I. don’t. get. it.
I wish. Except it’s like when outside environmental groups sue the EPA or other public agency to “force” the agency to do something they wanted to do but couldn’t.
Sigh, you’re probably right. The temptation to get Congress to eliminate all their competition for them is worth deceiving the public and fucking them in the ass.
They only have to invent all electric trucks, solar powered server farms, and solar powered warehouses. Alternatively, they could just outsource it all and claim that Amazon is 100% green by putting some solar cells on the two big HQ’s and let the “dirty work” get done by others as contractors.
Pence confronts Venezuelan ambassador at UN: ‘You shouldn’t be here’
It’s because the Venezuelan Ambassador to the UN is gay.
Pence told him to “Get the heck out of here,” and then immediately apologized for his profanity.
This “The Hat and The Hair” series is disrespectful to our President.
Keep up the good work.
We can only dream what it would have read like if the Hag was in the Oval Orifice.
Maybe you can.
I don’t even want to consider it. It would be great reading though.
I am happy the Hat and Hair escaped the critters.