The Hat and The Hair: Episode 158

by | Jun 17, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 240 comments

“They will not cancel my rally,” Donald said. “I will not allow them to cancel my rally!”

Pointing at the hat, he said, “You will not allow them to cancel my rally,” and moving to the hair, “You will kill that damn mustache!”

“Mustache?” the hair asked, waking from where he had been dozing in the sunbeam.

“John Bolton’s Mustache,” the hat supplied.

“He has written a book of slanderous libels against me and I will not stand for it!” Donald declared, puffing out his chest. “John Bolton’s Mustache must die!”

 

CUT TO TITLE

JOHN BOLTON’S MUSTACHE MUST DIE

DISSOLVE TO
Hotel hallway. The HAIR thwips along the ceiling on extended tendrils.

CUT TO
Shot from below. As the HAIR swings past, the camera can see a straight razor clutched in his manipulatory hairs.

CUT TO
Reverse shot. The hair moves toward the camera. He is wearing a grim expression of determination and an eyepatch.

CUT TO
The hair in front of a hotel room door. He knocks.

HAIR
Room service!

JOHN BOLTON’S MUSTACHE
I didn’t order any room service.

HAIR
Mustache wax, compliments of the management, sir!

JOHN BOLTON’S MUSTACHE
Did Hillary send you?!?

HAIR
(trying not to laugh)
Sir?

JOHN BOLTON’S MUSTACHE
Alright, hold on.

PULL BACK
The door opens

HAIR
Aunt Jemima, muthafucka!

The HAIR leaps at JOHN BOLTON’S MUSTACHE, straight razor open

FREEZE FRAME
On the scream of terror on JOHN BOLTON’S MUSTACHE’s John Bolton’s body’s face

 

“I love Aunt Jemima,” Donald said. “Pancakes are how McGriddles are made.”

“No doubt, no doubt,” the hat agreed. “That girl thick like oatmeal.”

“WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED?” the hair screamed.

“You,” Donald said, jabbing his finger at the hat. “My rally, what are you doing?”

“The lawsuit will go nowhere,” the hat assured him. “Even if the lower court rules against us we can tie it up until after the rally. It’s so obvious it has nothing to do with public health. They didn’t try to shut down the riots with it.”

“I have to have my rally,” Donald said. “The Democrats have been having nightly rallies in multiple cities for two weeks now. I’ve got to get myself back out there.”

“Those weren’t exactly rallies, Donald,” the hat said.

“The hell they weren’t. Democrat voters in the street badmouthing me? That’s a political rally.”

“There was widespread burning and looting,” the hat said. “Don’t you read your Twitter feed?”

“They like burning, huh? I’ll burn down Tulsa if I have to,” Donald said. “I’ll burn it all.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

240 Comments

  1. straffinrun

    Either you are prophetic about Jemima or you whip these out on the fly. Either way, Bravo.

    • Mojeaux

      whip these out

      on the fly

      Are we not doing phrasing anymore?

      • straffinrun

        Phrasing is tough for me given what I’m usually thinking about.

      • Unreconstructed

        Tentacle porn does tend to make for odd phrasing.

    • SugarFree

      I generally write them the morning of. I got burned a few times with the fast news cycle.

      This was finished about an hour ago.

      • Not Adahn

        Nice to see that glibertarians.com is following modern management practices with JIT inventory control.

      • Not Adahn

        Publishable material doesn’t count as inventory?

      • UnCivilServant

        Not until you’ve already printed it.

      • Mojeaux

        Disagree. It becomes inventory as soon as he types it up. If he had a bunch waiting in the wings, it’d be inventory. So it’s actually inventory in that minute between when he finishes it and when he posts it.

        So by keeping his inventory cycle to about a minute, he is practicing just-in-time inventory practices.

      • Mojeaux

        SF writes them just in time for the 11:00 post schedule.

  2. Suthenboy

    Unlike the 2016 election I think dont think this one is set in stone but I dont see anyone switching to Biden. The left’s behavior has been so egregious that I hear a lot of people, some here, saying they will vote Trump just to keep the left from gaining power.

    I predict a Trump win both win the EC and the popular vote.

      • leon

        I read odds so rarely, that i never remember how to parse this particular format.

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        I think -150 means you must wager 150 to win 100

      • Naptown Bill

        Yup. Trump’s a favorite by ten points, which is pretty damned narrow.

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        I found another electoral map.

        The Economist is putting out their best guess early, so it will move, whereas Cook, for example, will slowly (if ever) fill in.

      • leon

        Susan Rice at +550 for VP? That’s a bet i might put 10 bucks on.

      • kbolino

        That one is scarier than Harris. Harris is just a wet blanket. Rice would be eager to sit atop the national surveillance apparatus once again.

      • leon

        Ok. So if i’m reading this right, Trum has “better” odds than Biden, but the Dems winning has better Odds than the GOP?

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        Could be; I’m not an expert at this stuff at all.

        The party play would start with an open field and many candidates. There might even be some non-zero possibility of the Dem not being Biden. At the end of the day, odds are set to even the money on both sides so that the house doesn’t get burned; the house doesn’t need to be more consistent or rational than the bettors: they just want to make money.

      • Florida Man

        Is this a safe website to use? Legal, etc. I want to bet on Biden because if he wins I get money and if Trump wins I get to keep my guns. Win-Win.

    • Not Adahn

      One of the advantages of living in a one-party state is I don’t have to worry about sullying my conscience by voting for the lesser of two evils. I can vote whatever ridiculous but entertaining nonsense happens to tickle my fantasy at the time.

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        #MeToo

      • Nephilium

        The other advantage has to be the lack of political ads. During September on, the ads here in Ohio get insane, as well as the random calls and texts.

      • grrizzly

        Unfortunately, NH is in the Boston media market. It’s the worst of both worlds.

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        I still get calls from TX although I haven’t voted there in eight years.

    • straffinrun

      Of the people that haven’t realized yet that the mob can and probably will turn on them, what’s the over/under on their IQ? Must be around 75 or so.

    • juris imprudent

      Biden pulls Harris onto the ticket and I vote for Trump.

      • Suthenboy

        There is someone he could pull on the ticket that wouldn’t make you vote Trump?

      • straffinrun

        McAffee? If Biden is gonna be drooling in nursing home anyways…

      • Suthenboy

        I have a better chance than McAfee. I imagine he will choose a little known female version of Duke Nukem or Betaboy.

        If they win they will go full-on totalitarian.

  3. Not Adahn

    Aunt Jemima, muthafucka!

    A much better killing cry than a made up bible verse

    • Not Adahn

      Tell me Samuel L. Jackson shouldn’t make that this next tag line.

    • WTF

      That right there made me actually laugh out loud.

    • Agent Cooper

      I want them to rename/rebrand the syrup STUPID WHITE MOTHERFUCKER with a picture of some dumb redneck on it.

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        I’m available for a photoshoot Friday morning

        * spits *

  4. leon

    “I have to have my rally,” Donald said. “The Democrats have been having nightly rallies in multiple cities for two weeks now. I’ve got to get myself back out there.”

    LOL.

    As always perfect.

    But i do want to see how “Jon Bolton’s Mustache must Die” ends.

    • SugarFree

      With a spectacular showdown between the Hair and the villainous Synod of Evil Mustaches International, made up of history’s most vile lip hair: Hilter’s Snot Pillow, Stalin’s Gay Bar, Leopold II of Belgium’s Negro Broom, Ivan the Terrible’s Salt and Pepper Dour Droopy and Fu-Manchu’s Man-Chufu!

      • SugarFree

        Pai Mei is dead. Elle poisoned his fishheads. Try and keep up.

      • Mojeaux

        I know what she did! He is immortal, through Beatrix and the five-point palm exploding heart technique.

      • Nephilium

        Mustache! That Mustache Feeling…

      • juris imprudent

        No Kaiser Wilhelm??? [I know, isn’t Hitler enough for Germany to live down, but that isn’t really our fault, is it?]

      • SugarFree

        No funny hats!

      • bacon-magic

        Does the Mustache try to call in an airstrike?

      • SugarFree

        With a poisoned kiss, no less.

      • bacon-magic

        I have a meme of an A-10 Warthog with a mustache but nooooooo I can’t post memes. Only you Glibshitlords can. *starts protest for #GlibCommentersMatter.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Smash the glibiarchy!

      • Rhywun

        Is that one of the minor Asterix and Obelix characters?

      • Mad Scientist

        If you’re making a list of fabulous mustaches and you left Sloopy off the list, you just “Aunt Jemima, muthafucka!”d him.

      • SugarFree

        Those were evil mustaches. Sloopy’s mustache isn’t evil, it’s just sort of a dick sometimes.

      • db

        Arthur! My Mustache is touching my brain!

  5. juris imprudent

    Those weren’t exactly rallies, Donald

    Oh that is a gem.

    • Suthenboy

      I think they were.

      If you think that was fun watch and see what happens if the pinkos win this election.

      • Drake

        If they win it all goes away. Suddenly Blue Mayors and Governors start cracking heads. If they lose, they let the mob go wild.

        The plan is to present themselves as the alternative to chaos – while hoping not too many people notice that they are the cause of the chaos.

      • kbolino

        Or we get LBJ redux. Not a good thing, but not Maoist Cultural Revolution either. Of course, Biden is no Johnson (for both good and ill).

      • Rhywun

        Depends on whether the mobs allow him to swing back to the center. It’s not looking promising.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        If they lose, they let the mob go wild.

        I have to be in DC a couple days after the election. No way out of it and am not pleased about the strong possibility of being caught in full-scale riots breaking out around me.

      • Raven Nation

        It’ll ended up getting the Cindy Sheehan treatment.

      • Gustave Lytton

        If we’re lucky and the establishment has actual control. I’m not so certain they do.

      • peachy rex

        They think they do. They do not.

      • leon

        Honestly, i think we’re seeing how much the establishment is willing to let things turn to shit, in order to get their way.

      • Drake

        Sure notice how fast white guys opposing statues being removed are hauled off by the cops? It only takes an order from a mayor or governor for BLM to get the same treatment.

  6. Not Adahn

    “WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED?” the hair screamed.

    I love these sorts of things. Gives it a real Calvin and Hobbes quality.

  7. kbolino

    JOHN BOLTON’S MUSTACHE’s John Bolton’s body’s face

    It’s important to establish which entity is really in charge.

  8. straffinrun

    According the NYT, Trump’s rallies will be “super spreader events”. You know what else…

    • kbolino

      You’d think they’d be happy for that…

      • SugarFree

        Yeah, the goal is to suppress attendance, not cancel it. They want Trump in either an empty venue or a full one with high infection rates.

        It’s not different than how the spike in cases they are moaning about today are only talked about in relation to bars and restaurants reopening and not the mass gatherings in the street of people in high-risk populations. (High-risk populations that they talked about incessantly not getting health care before the protests began.)

        Memorial Day SPIKE! without mentioning the median time for symptoms is 4-5 days, not two weeks.

      • Suthenboy

        Beat me to the punch…I was going to post a seed spreader.
        Porn convention is too easy and obvious.

    • leon

      They care so much about all those racist white supremacists at Trumps Rallies, it makes you wonder if they are Neo-Confederates themselves.

      • Not Adahn

        Oppai bars are safe though.

      • Gustave Lytton

        This is why gaijin aren’t allowed in those. Should have banned gaijin viruses too.

      • WTF

        Well, it’s actually a Chinese virus, so…

      • Gustave Lytton

        Especially when they were running Manchuria, Chinese are definitely not Japanese.

      • Rhywun

        That sounds horrible. I’m not doing nightlife or restaurants until things are back to normal – the REAL normal.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        K-TV hardest hit

  9. Rebel Scum

    How about, “No”, you fascist cunte.

    To fix the original sin of racism, Americans should pass an anti-racist amendment to the U.S. Constitution that enshrines two guiding anti-racist principals: Racial inequity is evidence of racist policy and the different racial groups are equals. The amendment would make unconstitutional racial inequity over a certain threshold, as well as racist ideas by public officials (with “racist ideas” and “public official” clearly defined). It would establish and permanently fund the Department of Anti-racism (DOA) comprised of formally trained experts on racism and no political appointees. The DOA would be responsible for preclearing all local, state and federal public policies to ensure they won’t yield racial inequity, monitor those policies, investigate private racist policies when racial inequity surfaces, and monitor public officials for expressions of racist ideas. The DOA would be empowered with disciplinary tools to wield over and against policymakers and public officials who do not voluntarily change their racist policy and ideas.

    • leon

      To fix the original sin of racism, Americans should pass an anti-racist amendment to the U.S. Constitution that enshrines two guiding anti-racist principals: Racial inequity is evidence of racist policy and the different racial groups are equals

      If they are going to appropriate catholic/christian theology, they should at least realize that its not through works that anyone is saved from original sin.

      • Gustave Lytton

        They’re only lifting the useful (to them) parts. Not anything like forgiveness, reconciliation, or redemption. Or equality of all before god.

    • Suthenboy

      Obsess about race everywhere all of the time. Never shut up about it. Use it to destroy your political enemies.
      There is nothing less racist than that.

    • Drake

      Holy shit. This is how you get a progrom to deport all POC to Wakanda.

      • Suthenboy

        +1 Abraham Lincoln

      • Rebel Scum

        Wakanda. Liberia. At which point they will immediately enslave the locals.

      • Gustave Lytton

        These pig ignorant idiots have zero idea how Bosnia, El Salvador, Northern Ireland, or Rwanda happened.

    • The Other Kevin

      Inequality of what? Income? Crime rates? Graduation rates? Health?

      • Rhywun

        Yes.

    • Pope Jimbo

      So let’s say I’m involved in a company that for some reason doesn’t attract a lot of black employees. Let’s say Christian Brothers hockey sticks in Northern Minnesoda. Someone is going to look at the composition of my work force and notice that I don’t have enough black employees and I’ll be fucked.

      The only safe thing to do would be to drive down to the Twin Cities and capture some black guys and bring them back north to “work” for you. Sure they probably will be a bit upset with your new business practices, so you will have to chain them up at night so they can’t go back to the Cities.

      But you gotta stay constitutional right?

      * Also sportsball will really suck when slow white guys demand that players have to match the demographics of the country at large.

      • WTF

        Not to worry about sportsball, the SCOTUS will rule that of course the intent of the amendment was not to benefit wypipo, because reasons.

      • Agent Cooper

        I’ll take self-selection bias for a BAJILLION, Alex.

    • leon

      The amendment would make unconstitutional racial inequity over a certain threshold, as well as racist ideas by public officials (with “racist ideas” and “public official” clearly defined)

      I’d laugh at the naivete if i didn’t think that they know exactly that that would be meaningless, and this would be used to silence any one who dissented from the popular opinion.

    • leon

      The DOA would be responsible for preclearing all local, state and federal public policies to ensure they won’t yield racial inequity, monitor those policies, investigate private racist policies when racial inequity surfaces, and monitor public officials for expressions of racist ideas

      In other words, it would be the government.

    • robc

      So each NBA team is 7 whites, 2 blacks, 2 hispanics and 1 asian?

      • leon

        Racisim is Historical Power, so No. Anything that could benefit whites would be in of itself racist.

    • Raven Nation

      DOA, really? That’s the acronym you went with?

      • juris imprudent

        C’mon, you think he was going to show you the DOAR?

    • Incentives Matter

      Just noticed that Politico appears to have nixed a comments section. Unsurprising.

      • Suthenboy

        “We will tell you what to think. You cannot weigh in. Seems to be the SOP these days. I guess the media tired of being told to go fuck themselves.

    • straffinrun

      Racial inequity is evidence of racist policy and the different racial groups are equals.

      Does this mean I finally get some of that sweet Jew cash?

      • Suthenboy

        Which racist policies?

      • R C Dean

        Systemic racism means all policies are racist.

      • Florida Man

        Which racist policies?

        Gun control, minimum wage and affirmative action?

    • Chipwooder

      “formally trained experts on racism”……totally apolitical group, that

      • Chipwooder

        Oh for crissakes, it’s fucking Kendi again. I should have known.

      • UnCivilServant

        “We took your advice, the department is staffed entirely with Klansmen. But no amendment, that’s just stupid, and based on false assumptions.”

    • Akira

      The DOA would be responsible for preclearing all local, state and federal public policies to ensure they won’t yield racial inequity

      So no more gun laws, right?

      The Left has already made it a pillar of their platform that voter ID is tantamount to ending black suffrage, so there’s no logical way that they can support gun buyer ID as well. The racism doesn’t get magically cleansed from it when it is applied to guns.

      Just one other thought on how radical and totalitarian the Left has become with their “anti-racist” stuff: This is how you make Americans think that a multiracial egalitarian society is incompatible with freedom. This is how you create the perception that ethnic minorities just complain about America and vote for socialism. This is how you create the perception that the only way to maintain Constitutional rights is to expel or disenfranchise non-white people. I’m not saying that any of those perceptions are correct – I’m saying that the Left is going to create a very ugly backlash if they don’t cool it with the “original sin of whiteness” bullshit.

      • Night Watchman

        The Left has already made it a pillar of their platform that voter ID is tantamount to ending black suffrage, so there’s no logical way that they can support gun buyer ID as well.

        Never underestimate the power of doublethink.

  10. grrizzly

    LOL. All the EPL players have BLACK LIVES MATTER instead of their names on the jerseys. I can see it with my own eyes on NBCSN.

    • grrizzly

      And then they were kneeling.

    • SugarFree

      And Black Lives Matter passes the ball to Black Lives Matter and Black Lives Matter passes it laterally to Black Lives Matter. Black Lives Matter shoots for the goal, Black Lives Matter dives for it… GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! Black Lives Matter has made three goals so far this season and missed three saves. Black Lives Matter is having a great year and Black Lives Matter is having a terrible year.

      Next up, Black Lives Matter premier league match with Black Lives Matter vs. The Yorkshire Panderers.

    • Raven Nation

      So, BBC text says there is silence in the stadium. NBCSports has some kind of crowd noise. Are they piping crowd noise in, or is NBC adding it to their broadcast?

      • juris imprudent

        Fox added noise for the Bundesliga broadcasts. Which was funny at one point as they had booing for a VAR decision – rescinding a goal for the visitors.

      • grrizzly

        Yes, the artificial noise is added to the broadcast. They wrote at the bottom of the screen that one can watch the broadcast without the noise through their app. I believe you can turn off the noise with an SAP button if you watch La Liga.

      • Raven Nation

        Ahh, thank you.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      They were so worried about making a political statement that they forgot to turn on the goal-line technology.

      It’s good for Spurs though that Sheffield doesn’t score.

    • Rhywun

      The EPL can go commie all they want, I’m not watching that shit. Bundesliga, baby. They don’t give a shit about black lives.

      • Ted S.

        I bet you were thrilled with the results yesterday.

      • Raven Nation

        So, you no longer care whether or not Liverpool win the league?

    • Ted S.

      I’d like to see somebody say their form of protest is not to utter the shibboleth. To steal a linen from Patrick McGoohan, “I am not a slogan, I am a free man!”

  11. Fatty Bolger

    New Program Helps People Of Color Adopt A White Liberal To Speak On Their Behalf

    When asked what his opinion of the program was, Claire responded on Bradley’s behalf, “Bradley is just so grateful to have his voice heard especially on key issues like women’s right to choose, climate change, and especially trans issues.”

    Bradley later commented, “I had no idea that’s what I meant to say. Amazing.”

    • Suthenboy

      “…a 37-year-old white girl named Claire who claims to be bisexual but as far as I can tell she just really likes cats.”

      *laughs*

  12. Tundra

    “I’ll burn it all.”

    Fuck yeah.

    Nice close.

  13. straffinrun

    Wisconsin man seen wearing KKK robe and hood while walking dog

    Fath told the newspaper that there was “no traffic problem” at the time the man was walking, adding he wasn’t committing any crimes.

    “I don’t anticipate any follow-up on it,” the sheriff said.

    A call log from the sheriff’s department obtained by the Journal Sentinel showed other calls about the matter on Saturday, with an employee at a local gas station asking for extra patrol.

    Gregory Jones, the president of a local NAACP chapter, told the newspaper he considered the episode a “terrorist act.”

    • leon

      Fath told the newspaper that there was “no traffic problem” at the time the man was walking, adding he wasn’t committing any crimes.

      Structural White Supremacy!

      Gregory Jones, the president of a local NAACP chapter, told the newspaper he considered the episode a “terrorist act.”

      Fucking Terrorism. May George Bush and the NeoCons rot in hell for making that the “We can do whatever we want” card.

    • Suthenboy

      Troll or yet another false flag?

    • Rebel Scum

      A photo of a man dressed in a white and green robe and hood walking along the road with a black dog

      Racial harmony?

      The Vilas County Sheriff’s Department identified the man as Charles Michael Booth, 50, of Conover. The police said he was “out walking his dog, wearing a Ku Klux Klan shirt, drinking a beer and waving at the traffic,” the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported.

      Am I bad for laughing at this?

      “He intended to project what I believe to be white supremacist behaviors by wearing this garb,” Jones said. “It is intended to create fear among people

      Or he’s trolling.

      • Rebel Scum

        Additionally, has anyone seen Ralph Northam lately?

      • Rhywun

        Right?

    • WTF

      And he was walking a black German Shepherd.
      The horror, the horror…

  14. Scruffy Nerfherder

    AUNT JEMIMA MUTHAFUCKA!

    There is no way in Hell I am going to be able to resist saying that to someone in the next 24 hours.

    • Suthenboy

      What am I missing….? What is wrong with Aunt Jemima?
      We cant portray black people anymore because…they are black?

      • straffinrun

        Minstrel show stereotype. Pretty much everything older than a month ago needs to be memory holed.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      My black friend’s reaction to the Jemima dustup.

      As long as it taste the same…

      well it’s that’s the case ALL Black folks (Black Americans)need to change their last names too.. we all Got slave master last names…

      • PieInTheSky

        All should change their name to Popescu. Good solid Romanian name

      • Caput Lupinum

        To religious, maybe Tradat instead.

      • leon

        we all Got slave master last names…

        Something i’ve genuinely never thought about.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Cassius Clay…

      • Florida Man

        You never heard of Malcom X?

      • UnCivilServant

        Was that the Malcolm that came between Malcolm IX and Malcolm XI?

      • Sean

        That would be Malcom in the Middle.

      • Florida Man

        Nice!

      • leon

        I figured he was Related to Professor X.

      • Naptown Bill

        When you meet a black dude with your last name who is a complete stranger, it makes you think.

      • kinnath

        Frank O’Harris

      • UnCivilServant

        So far, that hasn’t happened to me.

        Then again, I have a rare surname, and my ancestors were not major landholders.

      • Chipwooder

        Hasn’t happened to me because there aren’t too many blacks with Italian last names, and mine is fairly rare even among Italians.

      • bacon-magic

        Serf! *Nelson ha ha

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I’m willing to bet there are more blacks with my last name than whites.

      • Caput Lupinum

        Not when your last name is the most common in all English speaking countries. Granted I at least know what my family’s mane used to be before immigration officials decided to change it for us, but it’s a fairly safe bet that many Smith’s had a different name before they came to the U.S.

      • Chipwooder

        Well, not quite – the reason there are so many black Washingtons and Jeffersons is because they adopted those surnames after emancipation to replace the slave owner name.

      • R C Dean

        Err, Washington and Jefferson were both slave owners, so those are both “slave master names”.

      • Chipwooder

        But not THEIR slave masters, with relatively few exceptions

  15. PieInTheSky

    It is raining to damn much. I was one of the driest winters and driest springs ever and come late may it started raining and it never stopped. Something must be done about this shit. It is to much water.

  16. Drake

    I forgot that today is Bunker Hill Day. 245 years ago a bunch of guys said “fuck it” and stood their ground against the best army in the world. Took 8 charges to break them.

    • leon

      They were a bunch of White Supremacists fighting to keep slavery. /1619 project

      • Naptown Bill

        I honestly haven’t looked at the thing but from what I hear you’re not far off.

      • Rhywun

        That’s exactly what it is.

    • robc

      If the Brits had worn sunglasses, the Yanks couldn’t have seen the whites of their eyes.

  17. DEG

    “I love Aunt Jemima,” Donald said. “Pancakes are how McGriddles are made.”

    “No doubt, no doubt,” the hat agreed. “That girl thick like oatmeal.”

    Heh.

  18. mexican sharpshooter

    ”I have to have my rally,” Donald said. “The Democrats have been having nightly rallies in multiple cities for two weeks now. I’ve got to get myself back out there.”

    “Those weren’t exactly rallies, Donald,” the hat said.

    “The hell they weren’t. Democrat voters in the street badmouthing me? That’s a political rally.”

    He’s right, you know.

  19. leon

    OT: Question for our Lingusts. When we are talking about “Gender” in language, Excepting when we are talking about people/things that can actually have gender (eg. La Mujer, El Hombre), i never ever thing about it as “That’s masculine, and that’s feminine”. Now i know that is probably because i learned a langauge that isn’t gendered as my native language, but my real question is why is it called gendered? I see no link between “La Mesa” and saying that tables are femenine, except that they belong to the group of words we say are feminine. Is it just a grouping, and we decided to call some masculine and some feminine?

    • Florida Man

      Pinga is penis and feminine, so you can stop looking for meaning. hth

    • Rhywun

      For things, it is just a grouping.

    • Don Escaped any Landslide

      IANALinguist

      but I think gendered languages must have genders for everything even if it is neutral, so they get assigned over history, and almost all of those assignations are arbitrary.

      And I think they vary from language to language. According to wiki:

      feminine, as with the French table; masculine, as with German Tisch; or neuter, as with Norwegian bord.

    • Caput Lupinum

      First, the linguistic concept of gender predates the sociological concept. Second, not all linguistic gender systems use masculine/ feminine/ sometimes neuter as the classes. Another common system is animate/inanimate and levels of agency. These points aren’t directly related to your question, but helpful to keep in mind when talking about grammatical gender.

      To answer your question, it depends on the language. Some languages, notably the Dravidian family, are strictly semantic with few exceptions to the rules. Other languages are somewhat semantic, with rules in place for determining the gender but with a large number of exceptions. Other languages, notably the Indo- European ones, don’t really have a system at all, with gender based more on the word itself rather than on the meaning. In other words the Spanish word “miembro” is masculine not because it has anything particularly masculine about it beyond double entendres, but because it is spelled worth a terminal ‘o’. The German “mädchen” is neuter, even though it is best translated as girl, because the root word it derived from, “maid” was a neuter word for servant and the derivative mädchen retained the grammatical function over its semantic one.

      Basically, Indo- European gender makes no sense, especially Germanic languages, and has no real association to gender as a sociological concept outside of the tortured minds of grievance studies majors.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Mädchen Amick is definitely not neuter. Although the recentish wiki photo isn’t very flattering.

      • Not Adahn

        She was still a “would” in Twin Peaks season 3.

    • grrizzly

      In some gendered languages, like Russian, you can easily see the gender by looking at the last letter. Sure, there are exceptions but they are rare. The gender simply determines what declension pattern you apply to the word.

      In other gendered languages, like French or German, there are some rules why a word belongs to a specific gender but it’s much more arbitrary. I still cannot believe that the French word for cock/dick is la bite and that’s feminine. There are dozens of euphemisms for penis in Russian–not a single one among them is feminine.

    • DEG

      “Gender” in language is classification of nouns. As you’ve noticed, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with biological gender.

      Why is it called “gender” and not something else? I have a vague memory of reading why, but I cannot remember any details about what I read.

      English used to be a gendered language, but that has largely died out. There are still some vestiges of it left. Pronouns and words like “waiter/waitress” come to mind.

      • Caput Lupinum

        Why is it called “gender” and not something else?

        It comes from the Latin “genus”, the same root as genre. It just means class or type of something. The connotation with sexuality came later.

      • DEG

        Thanks!

    • Suthenboy

      ET with a wig and makeup?

      • Florida Man

        It’s even more pronounced live, so it’s not like I found a bad picture, so your guess is probably correct.

    • Drake

      Herbivore?
      (they have wide-set eyes to spot predators sneaking up)

    • R C Dean

      The keywords on that site made me laugh.

      Kristen Soltis Anderson Bio, Age, Parents, Husband, Trump, Feet, Hot

      Feet?

      • Florida Man

        I didn’t notice, lol. I saw her on the news as I was walking through the lounge and DDG and posted her first pic to pop up.

    • Sensei

      I believe is the shape of the bridge on her nose. I don’t think the outside of her eyes is any further than anyone else.

      • Florida Man

        I think it is the way she sculpts her eyebrows. Also, she maybe part fish.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Talulah Riley has her beat.

      • Florida Man

        I know eyes too close are a sign of mental handicaps, but is there something for eyes too wide?

      • Caput Lupinum

        There are a few genetic disorders that can cause wide set eyes that are linked to mental issues, such as Jacobson’s which is linked to developmental problems and autism.

      • SugarFree

        We call it the Innsmouth Look. Her parentage is foul and unnatural.

      • Florida Man

        I checked her wiki. She is a florida woman…of course.

  20. Don Escaped any Landslide

    I know it’s low risk, and I would love to have one, but I’m never going to put together an online pool on the election. (I don’t even have the guts to BIF).

    But if I did, I wonder what the fun options would be. Suthen points to two pools: the final official Electoral College and the popular vote.

    Idea 1 is the base scenario. I could imagine a board where every wager is posted: you’re essentially buying shares in the total winning result. Since the EC is a horse race of sorts and there’s no house to skim a percentage from the handle, everything would go in the pot, so no odds would ever be posted; that’s option 1: heads-up.

    Idea 2 answers the question of why should anyone bet before the last minute. Without odds, all that’s in play is time. So a quirk to add to Idea 1 might be leverage for how early one bets. So $1 would buy:
    1 share in November
    2 shares in October
    3 shares in September
    4 shares in August
    5 shares in July
    6 shares in June
    and you could add to any position at any time. This a lot like buying commodity futures without the markets floating day to day: prices are set.

    • Suthenboy

      I learned my lesson betting on presidential elections in 2012. I think Sloopy said he still has the fifth of high-end scotch. Well, kinda high-end.

      What? Around here my scotch options are limited.

    • gbob

      I would play for cash. Do it!

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        I would, too, but I’m too chickenshit. It’s online, it’s obvious, and it’s interstate

        #It’sNotRICO

      • leon

        I’d do it for a few BitCash Satoshis. Then your just betting pennies.

    • Mojeaux

      If I knew how betting really works (yes, I get the idea; just not the underlying strategy beyond guessing something will happen), I’d probably go for a 6-share. Is there any requirement to guess how many EC votes the candidate gets?

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        For our limited scope, Idea 1 EC could only be four choices: Trump, Biden, The Field, and Goes to the House, from which I would only expect wagers on Trump and Biden.

        An Idea 4 might go like this a closest-to-the-pin contest: bet on how many EC votes you think Trump will win (really only makes sense to pick one candidate and have one pool), with those closest to the number splitting the pot pro rata. Trump is a more granular and interesting candidate because Biden gets such huge lumps from CA and NY.

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        The issue with Idea 4 is there would only be one or two winners, so nobody would put much down so it would be a small pot.

        Compare with Idea 1 where it’s less leverage and almost everyone betting thinks he’s getting his money back: that would be a bushel of action and grow all year.

  21. Not Adahn

    SLD: The news is terrible wrt factual accuracy, but according to the reports that the Indian and Armed forced managed to bludgeon several dozen fatalities…

    1. Does that strike anyone else as more hardcore than you thought was still possible today, and

    2. Has there been a state v. state battle in the last seven thousand years that didn’t involved edged weapons at the very least?

    • R C Dean

      Don’t provide a link or anything.

    • UnCivilServant

      I bet the orders were “No Shooting” so the soldiers improvised. Either that, or the ammo supply situation is pretty dire.

      • Tres Cool

        “India and China’s militaries have some of the world’s most sophisticated modern weaponry, but their deadliest scrap in over 50 years was fought using fists, rocks wrapped in barbed wire and clubs studded with nails.”

        “There is an understanding between the nuclear-armed neighbours that despite their decades-old failure to demarcate their huge border, their troops in the disputed and inhospitable region will not use firearms.”

      • UnCivilServant

        Faaake.

        China’s stuck with Chinese knock-offs, and India’s army is still on hold with tech support.

    • Suthenboy

      Does anyone know what they are fighting over? Minerals? Oil? Mosquito farms?

      • Not Adahn

        Apparently a road.

      • Not Adahn

        Right. So Noel, this is at 14,000 feet up in the Himalayas, subzero temperatures. There’s almost no civilian population there. And so that we have to rely on the two militaries to tell us what happened. And they have different versions of the story. Both say the other started it. We do know it was hand-to-hand combat with stones and wooden clubs because they have this agreement not to carry guns in that border zone. An Indian Army colonel is among the dead.

        India has been building a road in the area that could be used to deploy future troops more quickly. China may see that as a provocation. Both sides have been pouring in more troops and building more infrastructure there recently. And so that’s led to some scuffles in recent weeks. There have also been some high-level military talks, as recently as last weekend, actually, to try to defuse tensions. But, you know, the opposite appears to have happened.

      • Fatty Bolger

        We do know it was hand-to-hand combat with stones and wooden clubs

        World War IV!

      • leon

        Great minds. You and I….

      • Suthenboy

        So they are killing each other over some snow and rocks. If any soldiers there on either side had any sense they would walk off and leave the place.

      • Drake

        The Chinese decided to move the border a couple hundred yards into India. And yes – no shooting, so a brawl that killed people on both sides. A lot of the Indian Army is badass Shiks. Might have carved up a few commies with their curvy little knives. One way to make good commies.

      • Caput Lupinum

        Territory that they’ve been fighting over since before India’s independence. It’s largely inhospitable and there has been limited to no resources found, or even looked for, in the region. Neither country cares enough about the region to fight for it, but neither wants to be the one to back down, thus the decades long stalemate between them.

      • Raven Nation

        Nationalism is a powerful drug. Here’s part of the territory Ethiopia & Eritrea fought over for three years & killed, maybe, 70k people: https://imgur.com/UnOqjKf

    • leon

      “India and China’s militaries have some of the world’s most sophisticated modern weaponry, but their deadliest scrap in over 50 years was fought using fists, rocks wrapped in barbed wire and clubs studded with nails.”

      “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

      I guess they decided to skip right to the conclusion.

    • Drake

      China is complete asshole and would love to expand in all directions, but they are hemmed in by natural barriers like the Himalayas, the Pacific Ocean, and nuclear armed Russia. This is what happens.

      • Not Adahn

        There’s already a wikipedia article about it. Naturally, it’s all the fault of gamergate.

    • Pope Jimbo

      “Where the Hell do you put the bayonet?”
      — Chesty Puller

      (He said this while at a flamethrower demonstration. Apparently, Puller wanted to be ready to stab the men he set on fire.)

  22. Psycho Effer

    I think the Hat and the Hair would make huge money as a six panel comic strip. You start off with at least 3 of the 6 aspects of good comedy before you even write anything.

  23. Sensei

    TW: Forbes – a magazine that something like a decade ago did real reporting. Now it has occasionally interesting articles surrounded by clickbait.

    20-Year-Old Robinhood Customer Commits Suicide After Seeing A $730,000 Negative Balance

    Most online brokerage platforms are fairly tight on options and leverage. There area bunch of FINRA requirements about knowing your customer. I’d like to know more of the backstory on this as I’m sure there is more to the story.

    • Mojeaux

      Well, it wouldn’t let me read the article without turning my ad blocker off (not gonna), but my first thought was that he had a margin account and he was short-selling, but not successfully.

      Did he just wake up one morning and see it was -$730k after successful trading or was he trying to dig himself out? I mean, we all know how well that works out most of the time.

      • Sensei

        Article doesn’t really say. And I doubt it will. Robinhood is has privacy issues and can’t say anything. And the family of the deceased is unlikely to offer any explanations that would hurt their chances of a recovery…

      • Not Adahn

        I didn’t know that was the name of a company. I thought someone had figured out how to steal and distribute $730k then offed himself.

      • Mojeaux

        I didn’t know that was the name of a company.

        Neither did I. I had to google it.

      • Nephilium

        There was a bug a while back that let Robinhood customers basically get unlimited leverage. Some people did that to really stupid amounts. All of the accounts that used that were supposed to be suspended. It could be possible he slipped through, or it’s an old story making the news now, or there was another bug.

      • Sensei

        Interesting!

      • Mojeaux

        Oh. My. Goodness.

      • Tres Cool

        What adblock do you use? I have uBlock origin, and it let me slide right in.

      • Mojeaux

        AdBlock for Firefox. I’ll try uBlock Origin, thanks.

    • RAHeinlein

      Cooperman was on CNBC earlier this week talking about the “Robin Hood” trade and how it will end in tears – average investor age relatively low, day-trading, Hertz, etc.

      • Sensei

        How they can’t cross check between a client’s age and what he or she purports as his or her investment experience is beyond me.

        I could see getting tens of thousands in the hole, but hundreds?

      • creech

        If they are old enough to vote, then they are old enough to caveat emptor in the stock market.

  24. Not Adahn

    I’ve applied to be a range Officer at USPSA Nationals in October. The best part of it would be the free staff match beforehand, but if I get in, I’d get a couple of those shiny tight shirts that indicate I’m a real shooter.

    • Unreconstructed

      Please don’t wear the tight shirt…please!!!

      • Not Adahn

        Putting your opponents off their feed is a time-honored tactic. I think Musashi had a chapter about that.

      • Unreconstructed

        Fair…just don’t be sharin’ pics!

      • Not Adahn

        I’ll see about getting a gopro/glasses cam to try and explain what the competition is like.

      • Unreconstructed

        Those pics I’d be interested in seeing. You in a tight shirt? Not so much.