The Hat and The Hair: Episode 160

by | Jul 1, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 248 comments

 

“What is it?” the hair asked.

“I have no idea,” the hat replied. “But I don’t like it.”

Donald had stumbled in moments before with a giant McDonald’s bag dark with grease and dropped the hair and the intruder on the Resolute desk before locking himself in the Presidential Shitter without a word.

The hair crept forward on the desk and sniffed cautiously.

“SPACE!” the Space hat said suddenly, his voice rich and sonorous. The hair yelped and jumped off the desk.

“Another one?” the MAGA hat said disdainfully, narrowing his eyes with the round of ripping cotton.

“Space is the true home of all Real Americans,” Space hat said. “Space, in fact, is America, a new frontier for the brave and the hardy to conquer.”

“It’s OK,” MAGA hat said to the hair. “He won’t hurt you.”

“I wasn’t scared,” the hair said, climbing into Donald’s office chair. “Just startled, that’s all.” He rose up and peeked at Space hat over the edge of the desk.

“And,” the Space hat said loudly, ”Space is a better America, no pesky Indians to complain about our expansion into it.”

“What about aliens?” the hair asked.

“Americans are going into space,” Space hat replied smoothly. “Mexicans are staying here.”

MAGA hat giggled. “OK, I like him.” The hair jumped on to the desk but skittered over carefully to sit beside MAGA hat.

“Join SPACE FORCE today,” Space hat said. “Get an American-made laser gun made in America by Americans in low orbit over America in an American-made factory.”

“Laser gun?” MAGA hat asked excitedly.

“It is every American’s duty to go into space,” Space hat said. “Space will be the Real American Hajj. Fuck the Grand Canyon. SPACE!”

“Go back to the laser gun,” MAGA hat demanded.

“Top America scientists, working with top American science, are working on them right now,” Space hat said confidently. “Once all Americans–real Americans, that is–are in space, we will colonize the Moon and then Mars and then Venus and then the asteroid belt and then mighty Jupiter!”

“And Saturn?” the hair asked.

“I guess so,” Space hat said.

“What about Earth?” MAGA hat asked.

“Earth will be left the non-real Americans, the poor and the academic and the brown and the fictional,” Space hat said. “Our future will be mighty because it will be built by the mighty!”

The door to the Presidential Shitter opened forcefully and Donald stuck out his bald head. “Will you all please be quiet?!? I’m trying to get some eating done in here!”

“Stop eating on the toilet, Donald!” the hair said. “That’s why you keep getting pink eye in your mouth!”

Donald snorted and slammed the door.

“America,” Space hat said in awe. “Can you imagine him in SPACE?”

“No, not really,” the hair said.

“So majestic,” Space hat said. “Like the prow of a stately sailing ship. Leading us into… SPACE!” He began to hum Neil Diamond’s “America.”

“He kinda sounds like an old filmstrip from school,” the hair said to the hat.

“When did you go to school?” MAGA hat asked.

“With Donald. Hello? I’m his hair. He had hair in school, ya know.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“SPACE!” Space hat said to no one.

“I was so thick back then,” the hair said. “I couldn’t move around or anything, but, you know, I didn’t really even want to. I was content in his healthy scalp.”

“Are you gentleman discussing space?” Space hat asked.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” MAGA hat said.

“You know, the 4th of July is comin’ up,” USA hat said from the umbrella stand.

“SHUT UP,” MAGA hat and the hair yelled in unison.

“In space, every day is the Fourth of July,” Space hat said confidently.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

248 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    I sacrifice my First for your sins, Glibertariat.

    • UnCivilServant

      Uh, we got more sins than that can cover.

  2. Mad Scientist

    Space Hat is my new favorite thing of all time.

    • Drake

      “SPACE!”

      • Hyperion

        SPACE SMITH HERE, SPACE HELP YOU!

  3. Count Potato

    ““In space, every day is the Fourth of July,” Space hat said confidently.”

    I guess that’s true.

    I also like that hat.

      • SugarFree

        That’s his vacuum seal. For space.

      • Idle Hands

        I don’t think it’s up to the artist to define his work, that’s for the consumers to interpret.

      • Idle Hands

        keeps covid away. this is known.

      • SugarFree

        Hats are masks for your forehead.

      • Idle Hands

        save them for the hospital workers.

      • Swiss Servator

        INDISPENSABLE WARRIORS!!!!

      • invisible finger

        No front seems would make it a SPACE TRUCKING hat then.

      • Jarflax

        Front seam? Is the Space hat maybe not a him?

  4. invisible finger

    Make SPACE SMITH great again.

    • Swiss Servator

      Hmmmm. Crossover episode?

  5. Not Adahn

    “SPACE!” the Space hat said suddenly, his voice rich and sonorous.

    I heard this so clearly that it startled me.

    “That’s why you keep getting pink eye in your mouth!”

    1. Lol.
    2. HM is going to hate you for coming up with this.

  6. Not Adahn

    Am I just noticing, or is this the first time The Hat/MAGA Prime has been referred to as MAGA Hat?

    • Bobarian LMD

      He’s only MAGA in the presence of other lesser hats.

  7. leon

    I think i was laughing at every single line. Bravo!

  8. Swiss Servator

    “That’s why you keep getting pink eye in your mouth!”

    Gah!

  9. Sean

    Refer to my avatar.

  10. leon

    “What about aliens?” the hair asked.

    “Americans are going into space,” Space hat replied smoothly. “Mexicans are staying here.”

    Oh geeze. I didn’t get that Space Hat wasn’t ignoring the hair at first.

  11. Idle Hands

    This might be the greatest hat ever.

  12. Scruffy Nerfherder

    THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE SPACESHIP TRUMPALO

    • Francisco d'Anconia

      God, YES! When his second term is over, the three (four?) of them travel the galaxy to Make the Universe Great Again…MUGA!

      • SugarFree

        Every other episode they meet a Greek god.

      • Not Adahn

        Big columns, lots of gold… just the classiest.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Amussed Time – In this episode, Science Officer Hair undergoes a brutal wedding ritual in which he fights Captain MAGA to the DEATH!

      • Bobarian LMD

        Zeus impregnates the Hair, and the Hat impregnates Zeus?

      • Seguin

        It is the 21st century, Trumpales killed the giant SwampMonster when he rescued the children and his son Barron. But the ancient gods of Olympus are angry and threaten a terrible revenge:

        Zeus: Mortals, you defy the Gods? I sentence you to travel among unknown stars. Until you make the Universe Great Again, your bodies will stay as lifeless as Epstein.

        Trumpales, Trumpales, soaring through all the galaxies, in search of Earth, flying in to the night.
        Trumpales, Trumpales, fighting China and Hillary, with all his power, and with all of his might.
        Trumpales, no-one else can do the things you do. Trumpales, like a Diet Coke from the blue.
        Trumpales, always fighting all the evil forces bringing Jobs and greatness to all.

    • Idle Hands

      Still better than anything Star Wars or Star Trek have come up with in the last 30 years.

      • robc

        DS9.

        But I will give you 20 years.

      • leon

        Episode 2 and 3 were not that bad…

      • Idle Hands

        2/3 were garbage. Episode 1 I liked the Trade Federations politics and ambitious economic strategy, not to mention Darth Maul’s awesome frosted tips and really cool lightsaber. Also the socioeconomics of Gungan society were really immersive and well sussed out.

      • Brochettaward

        I’m choosing to read this as sarcasm otherwise you are the worst Glib.

      • Rebel Scum

        Idk. Ep 2 was pretty good too. I like the forbidden love and murderous whining of Anakin. It was also neat to see Yoda bounce around like a pinball with a lightsaber. The best part is how every scene looks like a video game cut-scene on PS2.

        On a non-sarcastic note: Natalie Portman in that white outfit.

      • Idle Hands

        Not a Voyager fan, shitlord?

      • Not Adahn

        “Devolve into an amphibian and boink” is actually not a common fantasy.

      • UnCivilServant

        There are times when I think I’ve successfully forgotten that episode.

        Why do you have to remind me of it?

      • SugarFree

        Because Berman doesn’t deserve our forgetfulness. That piece of shit episode should run on a loop on his LCD gravestone until the Sun burns out.

      • Rhywun

        I like all of them and freely admit that each has its share of junk episodes.

      • Not Adahn

        I’m trying to remember a TNG or DS9 episode as bad as “Spock’s Brain. ”

        Considering that’s 14 seasons of TV compared to TOS’s two, not bad.

      • UnCivilServant

        There is not just one way in which an episode can be ‘bad’.

      • robc

        TNG: Ghost in the plasma lamp, whatever that gawdawful episode was called. Also, skin of evil.

      • UnCivilServant

        What, you don’t like gothic romances in your space opera?

      • robc

        I dont think Tasha Yar and the oil slick qualify as a gothic romance.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        I’m trying to remember a TNG or DS9 episode as bad as “Spock’s Brain. ”

        Any episode with Wesley

      • UnCivilServant

        Robc, you say that on a sugarfree article?

      • robc

        Yeah, I shouldn’t be giving SF any ideas.

      • robc

        Sub Rosa is the name of the episode, it turns out.

      • robc

        Ten worst ST episodes, as voted on by fans:

        10. Precious Cargo (Enterprise)
        9. The Alternative Factor (Original Series)
        8. Move Along Home (Deep Space Nine)
        7. And the Children Shall Lead (Original Series)
        6. Sub Rosa (Next Generation)
        5. Shades of Gray (Next Generation)
        4. Turnabout Intruder (Original Series)
        3. Threshold (Voyager)
        2. Code of Honor (Next Generation)
        1. These Are the Voyages (Enterprise)

        This is clearly wrong, as #8 is a fun episode.

      • Brochettaward
      • Mojeaux

        Who knows all these deets?!

        DS9==only interesting ST.

      • Mad Scientist

        He’s worse than dead, Jim.
        C’mon, Bones, what’s the mystery?
        HIS BRAIN IS GONE!

      • Gustave Lytton

        TOS 3 seasons.

      • Rhywun

        @robc

        I like “Move Along Home”. It ain’t literature but it’s silly fun.

        I can’t identify any “Enterprise” episodes so I’m happy to let the one with the Space Brothas be #1.

      • Rhywun

        Oh, you said the same. *derp*

      • R C Dean

        What a bunch of nerds.

  13. Don Escaped the Quality Department

    Without fanfare, Florida governor signs E-Verify legislation

    The Republican governor asked lawmakers to require all employers in Florida — public and private — to use the E-Verify system, an online database operated by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security that can confirm a person’s eligibility to work in the United States. However, lawmakers in his own party balked at requiring private companies to use it. Instead, only public employers — including state agencies, local governments and firms that contract with them — will be required to use the E-Verify system.

    Ball? Strike? Exciting the base? Alienating the margins?

    #SwingStateFun

    • leon

      Hmmm. Its odd that the Government exempts everyone else from an onerous regulation. Usually its the other way around.

    • RAHeinlein

      The “Escaped the Quality Department” gave me a much-needed smile last night after spending most of the day battling Corporate Supply Quality over arbitrary specifications.

      • Don Escaped the Quality Department

        just some more of my quibbling BS

        Quality regimes are exactly like Texas all the other tropes I spar with: the theme and the ideal are holy; the execution is often crap

      • Timeloose

        Don is your avatar a normal curve with standard deviations marked on it?

      • leon

        Heh…. I thought it was a hat on a door to the quality department.

      • Don Escaped the Quality Department

        I never found a curve I liked

        I should do better: I try to resist ambiguity and create simple ideas that read well. Totally failed this time.

      • RAHeinlein

        I thought it was some type of meter with a probe (not a euphemism).

    • Viking1865

      The vast majority of people have no problem with “their immigrants”. It’s all the other immigrants who are the problem.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Interesting that this would be politically feasible in Florida, where about 20% of the population is made up of immigrants, and about 33% either immigrants, or with at least one immigrant parent. Of course the vast majority of immigrants in Florida (about 90%) are there legally.

  14. Tundra

    “Americans are going into space,” Space hat replied smoothly. “Mexicans are staying here.”

    This Space hat has potential!

  15. Gadianton

    I can hear him doing the Star Trek intro…

  16. Viking1865

    The door to the Presidential Shitter opened forcefully and Donald stuck out his bald head. “Will you all please be quiet?!? I’m trying to get some eating done in here!”

    “Stop eating on the toilet, Donald!” the hair said. “That’s why you keep getting pink eye in your mouth!”

    Donald snorted and slammed the door.

    __________

    Welp, it happened. Eating lunch at the desk, reading Glibs, and someone asked me what’s so funny.

    • Timeloose

      Same here. That was a good one.

      • Fourscore

        Loudest laugh. Great job, SF.

  17. DEG

    “What about aliens?” the hair asked.

    “Americans are going into space,” Space hat replied smoothly. “Mexicans are staying here.”

    Beautiful.

    • JD is in the United Karendom

      It’s never aliens.

  18. Timeloose

    I do like the random SPACE! from MSGA Hat.

    “In space, every day is the Fourth of July,” Space hat said confidently. Definitely getting a Buzz lightyear vibe from MSGA, that’s the voice in my head while reading him.

    • EvilSheldon

      I was wondering how long it would go before Clint broke out the old, ‘nO tiMerZ in tEh GuNFightz’ trope (right about 4:35, if you care).

      Hey Clint, there is a timer. It’s called the other guy with the gun who’s trying to kill you.

  19. JD is in the United Karendom

    SPACE

    • Not Adahn

      True story:

      I was touring with a youth symphony back during the Reagan administration. We were performing in a church in Coventry, UK. The local congregation wanted to welcome us, so we were treated to a choir of old English church ladies singing America (compete with Puerto Rican accents) accompanied by church organ.

      I don’t think it was supposed to be a Python sketch.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        Please don’t judge the UK on Coventry alone. Much of it is even weirder, and apparently Coventry used to be a nice place before the extensive remodeling by Hermann Goering.

      • Mojeaux

        I used to get sent to Coventry regularly.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        Aww, pobrecita.

        #libertarianproblems

      • Not Adahn

        It was a fascinating trip for a yoot, coming from the repressed south to a land with no apparent drinking age and newsstands every few dozen meters with porno mags prominently displayed on the top row.

        I had the following exchange when I tried to order sausage on a pizza:

        “You mean like pepperoni?”
        “No, I means sausage. Like American sausage.”
        “How am I supposed to know what American sausage is?”
        “Well I know what an English muffin is.”

        At this point she threw me out of the Pizza Hut.

      • Mojeaux

        Ate at a Pizza Hut in Antwerp. Locals looked at us like we were crazy for eating with our hands.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        Laughed out loud.

      • Rhywun

        “Well I know what an English muffin is.”

        That’s how you America.

      • Not Adahn

        It turns out that the British term for that pizza topping was “spicy pork.”

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        Folksy, gentle, nice. Hang on, I gotta balance that out with some Toby Keith.

        ShUt Up LiBtArD!!!!!1111111111111111111

      • Unreconstructed

        My only response to Toby Keith.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        I’ve got a lot of time for that.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Long hair Toby was better than angry Toby.

  20. Brochettaward

    Joe Biden’s mental decline is…more subtle than Trump’s, per Princeton historian Julian Zelizer:

    “With each of these candidates, the question has been raised — Trump because of everything he’s said and done” and remarks that often are “just a mishmash of words.”

    “Biden, there’s questions, more subtle I think, about he doesn’t finish every sentence, or during the debates he’d pause and seem to have trouble thinking about what he wants to say. Those are the moments that then become questions.”

    https://www.axios.com/trump-biden-cognitive-decline-senility-2f034be5-53d7-4b93-b4be-c833ac40a8d7.html

    • Mojeaux

      More subtle? Dafuq?

      Trump has diarrhea of the brain. Biden’s got one foot in an institution.

    • leon

      I’ll take the Historian’s input with as much credence as all the over the TV Pycologists that have come out of the woodwork.

    • Idle Hands

      I love how the narrative is going to switch from “Donald Trump is uniquely dangerous because of the power of the office of the presidency” to “so what we are nominating a drooling senile old man who can’t eat solid food what’s important is the people around him and besides Donald Trump is uniquely dangerous because of the power of the presidency”.

  21. JD is in the United Karendom

    I broke a brand new tap. Good quality, brand name tap. I all but just looked at it and it snapped. Fuck.

    • Not Adahn

      For a keg? Water? The little clicky thing on shoes that will be declared racist any moment now?

      • Bobarian LMD

        I;m assuming ‘tap and die’.

        Which means someone is shooting at his feet while he tap dances.

      • pan fried wylie

        Gregory Hines, Hardest Hit.

    • Timeloose

      What material were you tapping Stainless Steel? I went through several doing that.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Dat azz.

        Duh

    • Plinker762

      You poor, dumb side loading bastard.

  22. Brochettaward

    He said limiting the release of mug shots of people who have not been proven guilty of a crime will remove a key contributor to the perception the public has about race and crime that is often bolstered when the booking photos are published in the news media.

    It’s all just a perception.

    • Suthenboy

      Louisiana law requires publication of all photos and. names of people arrested and for their names to be displayed in the front lobby of every jail.
      If you have ever been outside the US to various other places you will know this law is not meant to punish or humiliate the arrested.

      The little newspaper that publishes those photos and names is almost an exact cross section of the demographics here. For that matter the police forces are too.

      • Toxteth O’Grady

        So nobody “disappears”, you mean? (Pardon my density / naïveté.)

      • Brochettaward

        They are public records for a reason, but publicizing mugshots is done to humiliate and shame. See the way the cops love to release mugshots of johns to the media. And with the internet, it’s created a whole other racket where sleezeballs look to extort cash from people. So, I’m for a middle ground where the shit just isn’t publicized, but think its shortsighted and stupid to go, say, the Euro route where people have some made up right to be forgotten.

        But I get a laugh out of making the argument about race. As if hiding mugshots is going to change anything about the crime statistics and the stereotypes that have resulted.

      • Rhywun

        Yeah, it’s example #38,365 of doing what might be the right thing for the stupidest possible reason.

  23. CatchTheCarp

    My VPN token I use to connect to work expired this morning. No notification was sent, again. I opened a support ticket at 7:15 AM. I then called my manager and told him I why I couldn’t connect. Before I could finish he interrupted and said your VPN access is set-up to self-renew. I explained I already confirmed that it had expired and a support ticket was raised. He said he would escalate and approve it. Which he did. It is now 12:40 PM and still no action on my support ticket. I checked the support ticket, low priority, SLA of 4 days. Our support center is based in the UK, 6 hours ahead. The skeleton staffed B-team is there now, I know from experience it will be tomorrow before anything is done. Fuck it, I’m going bowling.

    • Mad Scientist

      Fuck it, I’m going bowling.

      We would also have accepted:
      Fuck it, I’m going drinking.
      Fuck it, I’m going shooting.
      Fuck it, I’m going to enjoy a nice slice of ham and pineapple deep dish pizza.

      • CatchTheCarp

        There will be drinking….can’t bowl without aiming fluid.

      • Swiss Servator

        “Aiming fluid” – stolen.

      • Don Escaped the Quality Department

        yup: replaces liquid courage for sure

      • Hyperion

        Ha! I’m stealing that as well.

  24. Plisade

    “Space, in fact, is America…”

    So, Make America Space Again. MASA. Might be problematic.

    • Not Adahn

      Now I want tamales.

      • Plisade

        That’s not the southern pronunciation I was thinking of.

  25. leon

    Ok. So with this bounties for americans thing in afghanistan. I’m pissed at all the postureing about “I’m so sick that the president isn’t doing anything,” bulshit. If you cared about the troops you would want them out of Afghanistan, not keep them there to stick it to the taliban over bounties.

    • Not Adahn

      Does anyone think this actually happened?

      Hell, it didn’t even make it into H&H

      • Sean

        #FAKENEWS. Which is why we keep hearing about it.

      • The Other Kevin

        Maybe, but it’s not like there weren’t people in Afghanistan targeting US troops before the Russians started offering money.

      • Not Adahn

        Taliban #1 “Want to kill some Americans?”

        Taliban #2 “Nah, the latest issue of Goats Unclipped arrives this week.”

        Dirty Russian Interferer: “I will pay you if you kill Americanskis”

        Talibans #1 and #2 “OK!”

      • Fourscore

        Pictures of Americans prominently posted in the Taliban post offices with the reward amounts

      • leon

        No. Even the report says that they have no evidence saying any bounties were ever paid out, so even if it did happen, they have no proof that anything came of it.

      • Drake

        Sounds like an intel rumour that became a media rumour.

      • ruodberht

        Maybe it’s like the invasion plan we have of Canada – every contingency is prepared for, just in case, but it’s not like Russia was ever going to do that

        There’s probably a proposal for polar bear cavalry somewhere in there too.

      • leon

        There’s probably a proposal for polar bear cavalry somewhere in there too.

        And now the CIA is going to ruin your life trying to figure out how you found that out.

      • pan fried wylie

        Seems like a pretty obvious adaptation that anyone could arrive at independently. Armed with a harpoon and flame thrower, whalehide armor (AC 5). Like, duh.

      • Don Escaped the Quality Department

        I napped through this series while NewWife watched

      • kbolino

        There’s a reason this shit is not supposed to get sent directly from the IC to the media. Besides exposing sources and methods, there’s also the fact that most of it is at the level of hearsay, rumor, and outright fabrication — crazy people exist in other countries too.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The only reason I’m skeptical is the premise that the Russians would just toss money away like that. For stolen/captured American tech or some other reason, perhaps. Or maybe payback from some junior levels for the 80’s, but they’d be too young.

      • Suthenboy

        The only reason I am skeptical is because the pols and the media have been telling bald faced lies for as long as I can remember. Show me where one pol or lefty media type has told a single truth and I will temper my skepticism. If the motherfuckers told me that water is wet I would be skeptical.

        Russia, Ukraine, Stormy Daniels, a host of other women’s accusations, Schiff with his rock-solid evidence that never appeared, pussy grabbing…all turned out to be lies. Now we have another lie to make Trump look bad…how convenient.

    • Rhywun

      I could not follow that story at all.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Apparently, Gregg Williams was consulting for the Russian Army.

      • R C Dean

        Anonymous leaker tells media that Trump was informed about Russians offering/paying bounties for dead Americans, and he did nothing.

        Numerous intelligence honchos, with names, deny Trump was ever informed of any such thing, and confirm that it was low-level intel that was vetted, couldn’t be corroborated or confirmed, and so it was disregarded.

        Media and Congress continue to pretend that the anonymous leak was 100% accurate, the story was never denied, and “demand answers”.

      • Rhywun

        Ah.

        *retires to sofa for nap*

        Thanks 🙂

      • mexican sharpshooter

        he did nothing.

        Oddly enough, I’m okay with not starting a war with Russia.

      • Akira

        ^ Russian bot confirmed!!

        /CNN

    • This Machine

      If you cared about the troops you would want them out of Afghanistan, not keep them there to stick it to the taliban over bounties.

      Exactly. This is just more any-stick-to-beat-a-dog-ism from the panicking media on the left.

    • Idle Hands

      Well seeings how only 22 were killed last year I’d guess they thankfully weren’t paying enough. Also this story is surely CIA bullshit. Also pull the troops out.

    • Fatty Bolger

      I’m sure this Russian conspiracy theory is as legit as all the other ones.

      • leon

        The originality is low. Clearly the State Department is not staffing our best.

  26. The Other Kevin

    Have we covered this yet? As of this morning the cops have moved in and taken back the CHOP zone.

    • Drake

      Highest murder rate of any nation in history?

      • The Other Kevin

        The final scores haven’t been tallied yet. But the shootings in the past few days were cited as the reason they finally went in.

      • Hyperion

        I’m pretty sure the real reason was that they showed up at Mayor Wokeness house.

      • This Machine

        Ding ding ding. She was all about the summer of love until it came to her doorstep.

        I love seeing these clowns in leadership positions talk about fighting the power and sticking it to The Man, while being completely oblivious to the fact that they’re The Man.

    • Not Adahn

      They bit the hand that was feeding them.

    • This Machine

      Ah, alas. And I was so hoping True Communism would be given the chance to work out this time. /sarc

      • leon

        Once again the capitalist screws the worker over.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yet another grand experiment tragically cut short by imperialist running dog lackeys.

    • Incentives Matter

      Perhaps accompanied by some good ol’ fashioned police brutality?

  27. bacon-magic

    Space is where we need to go. I imagined Spacehat’s voice as Captain Kirk.

  28. Hyperion

    “Americans are going into space,” Space hat replied smoothly. “Mexicans are staying here.” lol

  29. leon

    Ok. So i wrote an article on Sunday and put [Ready for Submision] on the title. Do i need to push the “Submit” button on the edit panel?

    • Raven Nation

      Do you have a “Submit for Review” button on the upper right?

      • leon

        Yeah. Do i need to push that?

      • Raven Nation

        Yeah, I think so. That should send a notification to TPTB.

    • leon

      BREAKING: Just when you thought the news couldn’t more depressing…8.3 million guns have been sold in the United States since March, meaning 2020 is on course to be the biggest year for gun sales in American history.

      Since this is such Breaking news, will Piers be making sure to update us as the story develops?

    • UnCivilServant

      He just doesn’t understand that it’s good news.

      This country needs to maintain it’s status as having a rifle behind every blade of grass.

    • The Other Kevin

      Prepare for the Black Friday of guns if Biden ends up winning.

      • EvilSheldon

        That’s literally what we are seeing, right now.

        David Yamane, of the Gun Culture 2.0 blog, has opined that previous spikes in gun sales have been driven by existing gun owners, who are afraid that they will not be able to get a particular gun (meaning an AR-15 of some kind) that they might want in the future.

        This spike, on the other hand, appears to be driven by non- or new gun owners, who are justifiably afraid that they’re not going to be able to get a gun of any kind, and will therefore be left defenseless.

      • leon

        How many are getting guns, but only one box of ammo?

      • EvilSheldon

        Probably a lot of them, just because ammunition availability also sucks at present.

        But it’s an important first step nonetheless.

        I’ve actually dug into my personal stash to get a few friends set up with enough Gold Dots for a typical self defense situation.

    • This Machine

      From the replies:

      “This made me sad also. I went to go buy a new gun the other day and they were all sold out [Loudly crying face]”

    • robc

      As an American I think it’s hilarious that a Brit would criticize us for being well armed.

      You’re country taught us that power should rest with the people and the people should be armed.

      • leon

        Brits still can’t get over the war for independence.

      • robc

        Although they claim to know nothing about it.

        They all say that is was barely covered as an intro to the French Revolution. Honestly, if you are learning them as world history, I think that should be a 50/50 split. Compare and contrast results as a final paper kind of thing and all that.

      • Suthenboy

        Someone around here pointed out that if we felt generous we could take them in and they would be the four poorest states in the Union.
        I am not sure if that is true but it did make me laugh.
        My first trip there, I had watched too much TV and had ideas about what it is like there but when I stepped off of the plane all I heard was sad trombone.

        Piers sure has a hard-on for armed Americans. He should GTFO of this horrible place full of armed savages.

      • leon

        I thought he was back in the motherland.

      • robc

        I assume England is the richest of the 4. It is slightly below Mississippi in GDP PPP per capita, but above it in GDP per capita.

        Close enough.

      • robc

        In nominal terms, GDP per capita, UK as a whole is below West Virginia but above Mississippi.

      • UnCivilServant

        And it was one of the economic powerhouses of the EU.

        That’s sad.

      • Not Adahn

        Piers if it makes you feel any better, most of mine were lost in a boating accident.

      • Not Adahn

        Huge numbers
        Like an American sized number
        Without any metric crap either
        The Arizona Bay Company
        @ArizonaBayCo
        ·
        45m
        One gross of firearms and a hogshead of ammo for everyone!

    • EvilSheldon

      Lots of left-leaning and otherwise non-traditional gun owners getting strapped up for the first time.

      When I picked up my new Glocks this past Sunday, I was the only white boy in the shop. We also had one young white woman picking out a shotgun, a black guy buying up all the Glock 21 magazines, a black couple looking for an AR-15, an Asian dude selling an AK clone, and I’m pretty sure the gun store employee who phoned in my NCIC check was, um, non-conventional in his sexuality. Or maybe he just really dug on pink sneakers, who can say?

      It was pretty awesome.

      • Akira

        My local gun range has always been more ethnically diverse than even the surrounding area. It’s usually a cross-section of people that could have been photographed together for a hokey “diversity” pamphlet.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Why were you wearing pink sneakers?

      • EvilSheldon

        Hey babe, I can’t help what I look good in…

  30. Viking1865

    https://www.joannejacobs.com/2020/06/teachers-we-wont-go-to-school/

    Another teacher agrees:

    There is NO plan imaginable that can re-open schools where both health and meaningful instruction for all will work. There is no solution; the problem for schools is intractable – until a 100% effective vaccine is mandated for school children and staff.

    These are the people teaching your children: absolute fucking idiots.

    • The Other Kevin

      Are any of the vaccines they already mandate 100% effective?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        There’s no such vaccine: mandated, optional, or otherwise.

    • robc

      Someone should look up the history of coronavirus vaccines.

    • R C Dean

      I think the solution is obvious:

      Close the government schools until there is a 100% effective vaccine. Since the problem is intractable, there’s no other way out.

      • robc

        Good point. Call their bluff and shut down. [sld] Issue a voucher to every parent instead. [/sld]

      • Rhywun

        + refund all school taxes

        I like it.

      • Swiss Servator

        “Here is your property tax you paid for the schools back, minus a small amount to maintain the buildings. Here is a list of private schools and tutors within 12 miles of your home.”

      • Chipwooder

        But what about the bureaucrats? Won’t someone please remember the poor school bureaucrats?

      • Viking1865

        Yeah they’re absolutely going to throw 3 hours of Zoom calls your way and collect 100% of property taxes. Which will go up to cover the “unexpected budget shortfalls”.

        Meanwhile, they’re tearing down the statues now. LIvestream showed a protester who waded in wading a flag. Cops arrested him, drove him off, left his flag for the mob of commies who then pissed on it and tried to burn it.

      • Chipwooder

        Congrats to those Monument Ave homeowners who are seeing their property values plummet!

      • Nephilium

        Speaking of the unexpected tax shortfalls.

        That big dip means Ohio saw an estimated daily loss of $538,000 in gas tax revenue from Cuyahoga, Lorain, Lake, Medina and Geauga counties when drivers there stayed home. In total, the state lost about $38.2 million from the region.

      • Trolleric the Goth

        the actual libertarian moment, if this ever really happened

      • Jarflax

        I think it is more likely to be:

        Here’s your special assessment to pay for the bonus we gave all the brave teachers struggling to cope with the emotional devastation of being sent home with full pay.

      • leon

        It’s like you are on a school board.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        You think they won’t pay them anyway?

    • Swiss Servator

      “Very well, we accept your resignation.”

    • Suthenboy

      Public schools closed down?

      Jesus Christ it’s about time we got some good news. I was really starting to lose hope.

    • kbolino

      Teachers getting sick from kids at school? Well, that’s just unheard of.

    • littleruttiger

      My sister’s kids schools gave them materials to work on once they shut down, and the teachers would check up online with them every week or so for 10 or 20 minutes. My sister said that they would finish the entire weeks worth of stuff in a few hours, she had to search around for more stuff to teach them. It was pretty much just zero effort on the teacher’s part.

      I taught for about 12 years at universities, I loved it for the most part – but, I was never under the impression that I was irreplaceable, I knew that while the pay wasn’t the greatest, it was more than commensurate for the work involved, and I knew if I left there’d easily be 50-100+ applicants when they posted the job. Teachers should be self aware enough to know how fungible they are.

    • RAHeinlein

      I’m happy to let teachers go first with vaccines.

      • Pope Jimbo

        I’m sure that the union insist that teachers get any vaccines before the kids. Because they care so much about those waifs….

      • Suthenboy

        “When school children start paying union dues I will start representing the interests of school children.” – Albert Shanker, president of the United Federation of Teachers

      • grrizzly

        The ones who are most scared of the virus should receive vaccines first. Their fears have to be placated somehow. On the other hand, I’m not in fear for my life, I can wait.

      • Sean

        I don’t even get flu shots. No way I’m getting one of these.

    • mrfamous

      Ah yes, the ultimate “don’t throw me in the briar patch” moment.

  31. mexican sharpshooter

    “Americans are going into space,” Space hat replied smoothly. “Mexicans are staying here.”

    Good. More air for me. Bitches.

    • Bobarian LMD

      This may just be a ‘Golgafrincham Ark Fleet Ship B’ ruse to get certain people off the planet.

      Mutant Star Goat for President!

    • Joseph Adams, Tauron Cultural appropriator

      MASA will get you to Space MS, 200$

  32. R C Dean

    “I was so thick back then,” the hair said. “I couldn’t move around or anything, but, you know, I didn’t really even want to. I was content in his healthy scalp.”

    Do see an origin story on the horizon?

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Sugarfree is going to need a LOT more peyote.

  33. CPRM

    Huzzah! But, a missed opportunity, ‘Would you like to know more?’

    • R C Dean

      Sure. What was the missed opportunity?

    • Chipwooder

      The mental image I had of “Jennifer Eliason, Associate Director of Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging” before clicking the link turned out to be pretty dead-on accurate.

    • Mad Scientist

      “This new kind of racism is called ‘ass racism’ because that’s where I pulled it from.”

      • Sean

        ??

    • Suthenboy

      But Trump is the one always spouting gibberish.

      • leon

        That’s not Gibberish! That is pure eloquence!

      • Suthenboy

        Bigly

    • Don Escaped the Quality Department

      The nonsensical generalizations (drink!) aside, there are several good ideas about intellectual honesty and engagement suggested.

      Not that I’d broach any of this at work, of course. But, in a fantasy world, some of the engagement ideas are not horrible . . . so long as those recommendations and rules cut both ways. Or is is racist of me to suggest that?

      • Drake

        Not racist at all. Wild wishful thinking.

      • Suthenboy

        A million monkeys with a million typewriters.

        Wife had never heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect officially but was telling me less than an hour ago “Sometimes really stupid people accidentally bumble-fuck their way into the right thing to do and end up thinking they are smart.”

        I said yes, that’s called the Dunning-Kruger effect. I then DDG’d it up and let her read it.
        “Holy shit, that’s exactly what I meant. So I am not crazy after all.”

        Me -” I dunno about that. You married me didnt you?”

      • Don Escaped the Quality Department

        I’ve warned junior that his bosses will be comprised of many types:
        30% fair-haired boys
        60% guys who were lucky in their assignments and succeeded regardless of their talents
        10% hard-working competent folk

        Until you see someone’s chops, reserve judgment

      • Suthenboy

        I have known a few people like that 10%….people that you can drop off in the Amazon Jungle barefoot, dressed in a pair of shorts, give them a matchbox and a rubber band. Come back in a year and they will be living in the biggest house in a prosperous city they built.

        I am not one of those guys, fortunately my son is. I have figured this out…the best way to be successful starts with NOT FUCKING UP. Stay away from gambling, dope, hookers, keep your hands off of other people and their stuff and dont run around on your wife. The vast majority of misery in the world is self-inflicted. Dont hit yourself in the head with a hammer and you will have far fewer headaches.

      • Don Escaped the Quality Department

        I continue to have nothing to do.

        Have an 8am tee time tomorrow. No reason to think I’ll be called or needed. If anyone needs a boiler or a pump, it’s probably a crank call.

    • EvilSheldon

      Deeper than unconscious bias? You mean, nonexistent bias?

  34. RegicidalManiac

    Taking inspiration from the Space Core in Portal 2, I’m guessing?

    • CPRM

      So you’re saying the cake is a lie?

  35. westernsloper

    I want a Space hat now.