The Hat and The Hair: Episode 175

by | Nov 11, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 148 comments

 

“I will never concede,” Donald said from under his desk. “I will never give up this Office or this office. This is my home. They are trying to run me out of my home.”

“We should burn it,” the hat said. “Just set it on fire. The whole White House. Joe can rule from ashes and cinders.”

“Fake election, fake votes, they are stealing everything from me. Everything,” Donald said.

A Big Mac landed on the filthy Oval Office floor beside him.

“Don’t touch it!” the hat cried. “It’s a trick!”

“It’s a Big Mac,” Donald said. “How can a Big Mac be a trick?”

“It’s moving! Look! It’s moving! It’s moving!” the hat screeched.

Donald reached for the Big Mac and it slid away from his hand.

“I told you!” the hat said.

“But I want it,” Donald whined. He rolled over onto his hands and knees a crawled out from under the desk, reaching for the ever-receding sandwich, grunting, stretching, groaning. He finally lunged and grabbed it.

“Now!” he heard a woman say, and the net fell on him.

“No!” Donald screamed, trying to maneuver the Big Mac into his mouth.

“You have to make a public statement!’ Kayleigh said. “You have to go outside!”

“If I go outside they might not let me back in!” Donald wailed, special sauce all over his face and neck.

“You have to!” she said.

“Is the recount over?” Donald asked. “Did they finally admit I won? I won, I won, I know I won!”

“The lawsuits are all proceeding,” Kayleigh lied. “SCOTUS is on your side.”

“More like SCROTUS,” the hat grumbled and then laughed at his own terrible joke.

Donald writhed in the net, seeking to escape, then, exhausted, lay panting on the floor.

“She wants something from you,” the hat whispered. “This is the perfect time.”

“I have the dignity of the office to think of,” Donald said, picking a piece of warm shredded lettuce from his sweaty chest hair and popping it into his mouth.

“Pussy,” the hat said accusingly.

“Kayleigh?” Donald blurted, “Can I see your mastectomy scars?”

“I, uh, you, uh,” she managed before stomping away.

“Ha!” the hat said. “Quick, get out of the net.

Donald began the slow, painful process of getting out of the office net, detangling it from his limbs and head, unhooking it from buttons and cufflinks, trying to get it to let go of his shoes.

“Faster, Donald!’ the hat urged him. “Outrage has a half-life of mere seconds these days. She could be back any minute!”

“I am free!’ Donald shouted, throwing the balled up net out the Oval Office door.

“We have to hide!” the hat said.

“I’ll get back under the desk,” Donald said.

“No, we need a better hiding place,” the hat said.

“What about the bunker?” Donald replied.

“Yes, yes, to the spunk bunker!”

Donald grabbed up his hat and waddled to the Presidential Shitter and pulled the carpet off the hatch.

“Faster, faster,” the hat said. “I hear heels!”

Donald pressed the hat down on his bald head and climbed down to the subterranean tunnels under the White House as fast as he could manage.

“No, no, turn right,” the hat said at the bottom.

“I remember,” Donald said, pouting.

“I hear someone at the hatch!” the hat said. “Run!”

Donald shambled faster, careening off of walls and corners, the dim green light of the tunnels barely showing the way.

PRESIDENTS ONLY the bunker door said.

Donald struggled to turn the huge wheel holding the door closed, then swung the heavy steel plate out of his way.

In the sputtering light of the last working lamp, the hair reared up from the back of the couch and screamed, “You motherfuckers left me down here for TWO DAYS!”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

148 Comments

  1. SP

    Brilliant!

  2. l0b0t

    BRILLIANT!! Thank you sir.

  3. l0b0t

    The nonchalant mention of the Office Net (because, of course they need one for OMB) still has me in stitches.

    • Not Adahn

      I’m sure there was plenty of food for him left behind in the bunker.

      • juris imprudent

        You’re forgetting what he subsists on [shudder]

      • Not Adahn

        I didn’t say it was oging to be fresh.

  4. Rebel Scum

    Who’s McKayla? My girl, Kayleigh?

    • blackjack

      Mckayla was a crazy hot chick who caused me to lose my job back in 1988. She was almost, maybe, worth it.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Sadly for me, a differently spelled Mckayla was probably “The One Who Got Away”.

    • SugarFree

      Dammit. I get all those white girl names mixed up.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Drop a letter and replace another and I have a “White Girl” name…

        *Hangs head in shame*

      • Plisade

        Wigger Hippie?

  5. Not Adahn

    “Outrage has a half-life of mere seconds these days.

    I wonder if Socrates said this first.

    Also, I am proud to say that I noticed the absence of the hair before you explicitly mentioned it in paragraph 36.

    • Unreconstructed

      Same here…the lack of replies to the Hat’s statements stuck out.

  6. DEG

    “We should burn it,” the hat said. “Just set it on fire. The whole White House. Joe can rule from ashes and cinders.”

    War of 1812 redux.

    “I have the dignity of the office to think of,” Donald said, picking a piece of warm shredded lettuce from his sweaty chest hair and popping it into his mouth.

    I laughed.

    Pretty good entry in the story.

  7. juris imprudent

    Outrage has a half-life of mere seconds these days.

    Truth.

    • blackjack

      Truth has an even shorter half-life.

      • juris imprudent

        And yet half-truths are nearly imperishable. Such a strange world.

      • kbolino

        Half-life implies it had a full life to lose at some point.

  8. Brochettaward

    This is why the country needs 4 more years.

  9. Tundra

    OMG!

    “McKayla?” Donald blurted, “Can I see your mastectomy scars?”

    I needed this today. Thanks, SF!

    • LemonGrenade

      Agreed!

    • Trials and Trippelations

      Yea not a good past 24 hours.
      Today’s episode didn’t disappoint. Thanks SF

  10. Not Adahn

    Six more episodes? Seven?

    • Brochettaward

      Defeatism. We are getting 4 more years worth after they flip the required states.

    • juris imprudent

      The final episode – Hat and Hair go to Thunderdome?

    • Lachowsky

      Hat and the Hair 2,

      The impotent years.

  11. Sean

    Great stuff!

  12. blackjack

    “More like SCROTUS,” the hat grumbled and then laughed at his own terrible joke.

    Ballsy joke, right there!

    • Fatty Bolger

      You’re nuts if you think Swiss will let that slide.

      • Trials and Trippelations

        It may be a terrible joke, but it grows on you

      • db

        It’s right on the rim of acceptability.

      • blackjack

        No it ‘taint!

      • blackjack

        If he doesn’t catch that, then he really dropped the ball.

      • juris imprudent

        No huevos that gets by him.

    • ScoobaSteve

      It was low hanging fruit.

    • Gdragon

      I remember watching ‘The Wonder Years” in reruns and cracking up when I realized that Wayne had called Kevin “scrote” practically the entire first season and I was too young to get it.

  13. Rebel Scum

    Google seems to have a desperate need for me to know “The AP has called the Presidential race for Joe Biden.” Oh, that’s nice. I have called the race for my cat. My call has about the same relevance.

    • blackjack

      My cat called the race for herself long ago. I’m kind of scared to tell her otherwise. She can have it.

    • Urthona

      I think it’s fair to call it for Biden. He will obviously be the next president. But still I would like to go through all the investigations and recounts. At least 60% of Americans think there were some shenanigans and they deserve to have everything scrutinized.

      • blackjack

        60% of Americans KNOW there were shenanigans. The answer is always the simplest explanation. When all records are shattered and dozens of aspects of a race turn out in ways they simply never do anywhere else in history, it’s not because of the planetary alignment. It’s because the side that has been massively butthurt about the last election and proven themselves to be liars willing to do anything to undo it, have cheated like they promised to. It’s elementary.

      • Urthona

        What’s unique in history about it? Haven’t heard these claims.

      • blackjack

        Bellwether counties, huge down ballot gains, Fla and Ohio combo, excellent economy in the first term and then losing the second, record shattering turnout, both candidates topping the vote count record, massive mail in voting, etc.

        Never mind that the “winner” is brain dead and didn’t lift a finger to campaign, while the “loser” had massive turnout everywhere with miles long flag waving caravans even in blue states.

        None of this adds up, even a little.

      • R C Dean

        I think it’s fair to call it for Biden.

        I think its premature.

        President Trump was projected to win Alaska by NBC News and CNN on Wednesday, but the three electoral votes he collected still put him far behind President-elect Joe Biden.

        Trump leads Biden 56.9 to 39.1 percent with 75 percent of the vote in Alaska, which Trump was long expected to carry.

        The president still trails the former vice president, according to the Associated Press, in electoral votes 290 to 214, with Georgia and North Carolina still too close to call.

        Arizona is also too close to call, at this point. Even according to CNN. Those three states have 42 EC votes; if Trump carries them, he wins.

      • kbolino

        He would need to carry them and flip at least one other state (presumably, PA).

      • R C Dean

        You are correct, sir. I was stupidly subtracting 42 from 290., instead of adding it to 214.

      • Lachowsky

        214+42= <270

      • R C Dean

        Sure, pile on, Lach.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    “If I go outside they might not let me back in!” Donald wailed

    That’s better than sharing an office with Ballgag Joe and the grinning jack o lantern.

  15. Rebel Scum

    Auditing an election is bad for democracy.

    “It is patently unreasonable to suggest that, despite there being zero credible evidence of any impropriety or widespread irregularities, election officials nonetheless have a responsibility to prove a negative,” Hobbs wrote in response to Arizona Senate President Karen Fann (R), who requested an “independent analysis” of voting data to restore confidence and credibility among residents.

    “To be clear, there is no ‘current controversy’ regarding elections in Arizona, outside of theories floated by those seeking to undermine our democratic process for political gain,” Hobbs continued, adding that elected officials should “work to build, rather than damage, public confidence in our system” before formally denying the request

    • robc

      I will say again, here is the proper process:

      1. Run statistical analysis to generate red flags and outliers
      2. Audit those cases
      3. Audit a random selection of normal looking results too, partly just because, and partly as control group.
      4. Any evidence of fraud discovered gets a deeper investigation (whether from 2 or 3).

      • robc

        The key understanding is that most of the outliers will be just that…outliers. But if there is easy to spot fraud, that is where you will find it.

      • robc

        And the best part is, if there is little of nothing to investigate in step #4, everyone will accept the results except a few crackpots.

      • Urthona

        I like it.

      • robc

        Also, any direct claims of fraud, say be affidavit or a postal employee, fall into step #1, without any statistical analysis.

      • wdalasio

        So, pretty much like any other quality control process. You’d think.

      • R C Dean

        Cue the “Elections are too important for quality control” articles from Our Betters.

      • robc

        Yes, exactly.

        As much as I hate the concept, a six sigma voting process would be a good thing.

    • kbolino

      We’re going to build the public’s confidence in us by actively resisting any effort to demonstrate that we deserve it.

      — The establishment, for years now

    • wdalasio

      Whether there was fraud or not (there almost was) it’s pretty clear from the behavior of the Democrats that they believe there was. I am not hugely inclined toward the “you have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide” school of thought, but you’d think, if they were hugely confident that Mr. Biden had won, they’d be eager to prove that, just to establish his legitimacy. The way things are going, I see no reason, should he win, not to refer to him as “His Fraudulency”.

      • Rebel Scum

        Carville is confident.

        “I urge them to recount everywhere. Beat him twice. I’m not satisfied with beating him once. Recount until you drop. I don’t care,” Carville emphasized. “And it’s going to be December 14 — I’m not sure, but the Constitution of the statutory that lays out when this is going to happen. And they’re out there scamming. They’re raising money, and they’re not even putting in the recount, and now they want Don, Jr. to run the RNC to scam more money. That’s all they’re trying to do here. This is just a fund-raising grift, and it doesn’t matter.”

      • R C Dean

        Well, if anyone is an expert on political fundraising grifts . . . .

      • wdalasio

        Yeah, well Carville is sort of an odd duck though, isn’t he. He’s a political grifter who pretty much doesn’t make much bones about being one. As a result, there’s almost a twisted honesty to the man. He thinks the tracks are well enough covered. Maybe they are. But, at least he’s not denying the process. And I think he knows, Biden is going to be an asterisk, no matter how much “our betters” try to convince us otherwise, unless the results are vetted.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      despite there being zero credible evidence of any impropriety or widespread irregularities, election officials nonetheless have a responsibility to prove a negative

      Huh? I would assume that the burden of proof would be on those alleging voter fraud, which should be difficult for them since there is “zero credible evidence”.

    • Ted S.

      Jill Stein got recounts four years ago, and there was no way she was winning the election.

  16. Gustave Lytton

    Wtf is wrong with people? Took work car into shop for service and specifically request the cabin air filter be changed.

    After as tech comes out of office dropping off keys, stop him and ask how dirty the cabin filter was.

    “There isn’t one”

    “Really? Isn’t one behind the glovebox?”

    “Nope. There wasn’t one included on that model year”

    That’s right dildo. It was an aftermarket FCA option. Maybe if someone is specifically asking something it might behoove you to actually check it first.

    • db

      That sucks. I used to RO frequently, and you really have to never ever take your eyes off the gun. Without knowing the details of what happened there, it’s hard to say, but it seems like the only way this could happen to an experienced RO is with a very inexperienced shooter rapidly turning around, or perhaps a dropped gun.

      Get even close to the 180 and I’m DQing you.

      • db

        I should say, I mean get close to the 180 and I’m shouting “muzzle” and hit it and “STOP” is immediate. I have seen sloppy ROs give sloppy shooters leeway, but the stakes are too high.

      • Not Adahn

        There is no “muzzle” warning anymore, just a “stop.”

        This was an indoor range too, which makes things even weirder.

        Like you, I have no details as to what actually happened.

    • EvilSheldon

      Fuck.

      This might be the first person to get killed by an AD at a sanctioned USPSA match.

      Indoor range, you say? I’m not terribly surprised. Just because of the tight quarters, you have to be extra careful about muzzle discipline.

      • db

        One thing that irks me is shooters who want to race through the clearing procedure at the end of a stage. Lots of times they have racked the slide, dropped hammer and holstered before I get to “hammer down.” In those cases I always made them draw and show clear again. They got the picture.

      • EvilSheldon

        Most ADs, and most injury-causing ADs, happen while reholstering. Hurrying to put the gun away is bad practice.

      • db

        Yep. There’s a reason we say “show clear.”

        Also, I prefer “negligent discharge” to “accidental discharge.”

      • EvilSheldon

        They amount to the same thing. Some people like to use ‘Accidental Discharge’ to refer to a true mechanical failure with no human involvement whatsoever, but those are so vanishingly rare that I don’t think they need a separate term.

        Also, we do carry a blow-out kit on our persons when we’re shooting guns, right?

      • db

        At all our matches, we have a full trauma kit. All of our ROs have been through first aid and enhanced “Stop the Bleed” training. We had a local EMT unit give us additional training for treating gunshot wounds.

      • EvilSheldon

        This makes me happy.

      • blackjack

        My outdoor range does not allow holsters. There’s a shooting bench and a clear bench about 4 foot behind it. When the buzzer sounds, you open your action and leave your firearm on the shooting bench facing down range and scoot back to the clear bench. Anyone not in compliance is obvious, and the RO does not fuck around about any of this.

      • EvilSheldon

        That’s an example of going too far in the opposite direction.

        A range that won’t let you work from the holster is pretty useless.

      • Not Adahn

        None of my ranges allow holster work.

        I do draws and reloads at home.

        I honestly haven’t improved very much this season compared to last, but I haven’t shot nearly as much or as regularly as pre-stupid times. either.

      • blackjack

        They may have a separate area where you can draw, but the main pistol line is holster free. They also have a 1k yard rifle section on the other side. It’s also possible that the no holster rule only applies when it open to the general public. Clubs or special parties might be able to.

      • db

        Yeah, that’s pretty nuts. Our club was full of Fudds about 20 years ago, and we had a long and careful road to travel in convincing them to allow our game. As it stands now, our safety record is better than their sporting clays safety record. 0 incidents on our side, at least one foot blown off on theirs.

      • EvilSheldon

        I love shotgun games, especially sporting clays, but hoo-boy, some of those dudes are real cavalier about things like muzzle direction.

        And yeah, there are a lot of Fudd ranges and clubs out there who are afraid of members actually carrying their guns around. It’s pathetic and stupid, and evidence that old white Republicans can be just as fond of safety theater as post-Millennial hypochondriacs.

  17. Derpetologist

    Happy Armistice Day, y’all

    I had a breakthrough, and have added a new line of my own to the Soldier’s Creed: I will never obey a stupid order.

    If they want to kick me out for that, fine. I was ready to be nomad yesterday and have enough saved to make a go of it.

    Stupid orders get people hurt and killed needlessly. At the very least, they make people miserable.

    If you can’t be brave when the stakes are low, you’re not really a soldier anyway.

    If the Army keeps paying me, I’ll keep showing up. Otherwise, thanks for the memories. So that’s the plan now.

    Almost at the 5 year mark and I think I’ve seen most of what there is to see. Let the others chase medals and rank. A paycheck is enough for me.

    • creech

      If each soldier decided what the “stupid order” was, imagine the chaos. Longstreet would have told Lee to fuck himself, he wasn’t going to send Pickett across that field. Sherman tank drivers would have told Patton they refused to fight against Tigers. “It’s too fricking cold to cross the Delaware, Gen. Washington.”
      Come to think of it, maybe the world would be a lot better off if the common soldier told the politicians, the arm chair generals, and the glory seeking 2nd Looies to kiss their asses.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        An interesting vid that goes into why the German Wehrmacht managed to maintain cohesion up until the end of WWII:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_J1iq4oelUU

        It looks like the primary reason is they trusted their officers.

    • Gustave Lytton

      It’s the 3rd oak leaf on your AAM that really makes your career and sense of self worth.

    • Derpetologist

      In my case, the order I refused was filling out a risk assessment form to pedal a stationary exercise bike.

      By the way, I work in military intelligence, supposedly.

      Where’s the Monty Python skit stopping policeman when you need him?

      A more serious example:

      ***
      In 2019, Army Spc. Nicholas DiMona III died during a live-fire exercise in Alaska that some fellow soldiers said lacked control and felt rushed, according to witness statements obtained by Army Times. Soldiers also said that nighttime targets were not always clearly marked as they shot without tracer rounds, the roles of safety and training personnel were mixed and there was confusion among soldiers regarding the shifting and lifting of gunfire.
      ***

      Ah, no night vision, illumination flares, or tracers? I could have planned something safer when I was a Cub Scout.

      https://www.military.com/daily-news/2020/08/20/lawmaker-calls-public-hearing-disturbing-rise-deadly-military-training-accidents.html

      ***
      Buchanan stressed that a “staggering 32 percent of active-duty military deaths were the result of training accidents” between 2006 and 2018, attributing the numbers to a report by the Congressional Research Service.
      In 2017 alone, the report found that nearly four times as many service members died in training accidents than were killed in action.
      ***

      • Derpetologist

        ***
        So far this fiscal year alone, the Army has reported 82 accident-related fatalities. Across the Department of Defense, from 2006 to 2020, 5,605 service members were killed in training accidents. This represents 32% of all reported active-duty military deaths for that time period and is double the percentage of troops killed in action.

        In short, troops have died in training accidents at twice the rate that they have died in combat over the last decade and a half. More service members have died in training accidents than in combat every year since 2015.
        ***

        Shenanigans! I call shenanigans!

        Perhaps if people were promoted on the basis of ASVAB score rather than PT or volunteer hours, this stuff wouldn’t happen as often.

      • Not Adahn

        Ideally, 100% of deaths would be training accidents.

      • Derpetologist

        Well, I read one report about a Bradley that flipped over and squashed some poor guy like a bug. It flipped because a tread came off while it was moving. And it fell off because some slacker in the motor pool half-assed his job and the forms got pencil-whipped.

      • R C Dean

        I recall Pater Dean telling me the only guy in his unit who died in Vietnam got killed while drunk-driving his Jeep.

      • Derpetologist

        A guy told me once the only thing he killed in Vietnam was cases of beer.

        You can’t drive an off-road vehicle on rough ground the same way you drive a car on a highway. Of course, it’s pretty hard to get a 19 year old who thinks spoilers are cool to understand that.

      • dbleagle

        Safety is much more a thing now, and the Army is much smaller. Back in the Cold War we averaged a death a day across the 18+ divisions. Some like the Brad accident were the same. People messing up with heavy things which then do heavy things things. (In my battalion a mechanic was test driving a jeep. He turned improperly on a slope and it rolled killing him.) Some losses are from the inherent dangers of combat training. (I survived a CH-47 crash because the pilot screwed up and drifted low causing a blade strike and crash. Everyone survived, but one 11B was in coma for a month and another lost a leg when the blade came through the side and cut it off.)

        Mixing safety and training roles at a LFX is a bad mix. I agree that was a fuck up.

        Not using flares or tracers is not necessarily a bad thing. Tracers work in both directions so we minimized their use, except for leaders being able to direct fire. Flares used properly illuminate from the back side of your targets. It is easier to see and engage a dark spot on a light background at night versus a light target with a light background. So if the flares were used properly for tactical reasons then it should be dark along the firing lines.

        Don’t get me started on military parachuting or airborne operations. The reason you get jump pay isn’t kindness. The USN expected to lose several AC and crews each time a carrier went out for a rotation.

        The return to preparing to fight a peer competitor is going to increase training accidents. Prepping to fight insurgents requires hard work and commitment but the key is how you fight the larger COIN effort, the tactics are straightforward and in the US’s favor. Preparing to destroy peers with equipment nearly as good, an increasing level of professionalism, and that the US will be outmanned and outgunned in every major category, takes the training back to the CW. Properly massing effects across combat systems (add in non-kinetic effects to block comms and shut down some systems) means much more and bigger BOOMS at closer ranges. Shit will happen. The key is how to minimize the “Aww shit” moments, not to try and eliminate them. You can make a maneuver (or combined arms) LFX absolutely safe for participants, but then it won’t be effective training.

      • Derpetologist

        I read that the Army has about 1 death per year from basic airborne training. About 1,000 guys complete that course per year.

        Civilian skydiving has an annual death rate of about 1 in 100,000.

        So roughly, the Army’s course is 100 times more dangerous.

        ***
        A 20-year-old Private assigned to Fort Bragg, North Carolina, died in a military parachuting mishap 9 September 2020 on Fort Stewart, Georgia, at 1934 local. While conducting a Tactical Combat Equipment Night Jump, the Soldier experienced a complete malfunction (cigarette roll) of a T-11 main parachute during an airborne operation into Galahad drop zone. The Soldier was pronounced dead at the scene. The U.S. Army Combat Readiness Center is leading an investigation into the mishap.

        Since FY16, the Army has had an average of one military parachuting fatality per year. This was the second military parachuting fatality of FY20 and the same number of similar mishaps during the same time period last year.
        ***

    • Derpetologist

      There’s difference between being a soldier and a kamikaze. There’s also a difference between being a soldier and being a slave.

      That’s the point I was trying to make about stupid orders.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      My pants are off.

    • Lachowsky

      That will cover my drive to and from work for the next week.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      That’s not a bad price but it’s the recurring costs that kill you when it comes to boats.

      • Cy

        Hence, the trailer. I’ve got room for it on my little slice of heaven.

      • R C Dean

        Which half do you want: the the front half, left half, top half?

      • Jarflax cancelled Cancelled

        Allow me to suggest language: each to hold a one half undivided interest as tenants in common

      • Ted S.

        I get the half that floats.

      • Cy

        I figure $500 for a long weekend 4 to 5 times a year isn’t bad for a family of our size. I also want to get the kids into more outdoors stuff. The beach is awesome, but two days of it and you get burnt out pretty quick. Hunting is at least 5 years off for the 2 little ones.

    • Rebel Scum

      At that price does it even float?

      • Cy

        You’d be astonished how many nice boats are out there for less than 20k. So many of them just sat in someone’s shop or never left the boat slip. Some of the nice 36′ yachts go for 30k and they’re basically floating apartments.

    • Lachowsky

      Boat

      Bring out another thousand. everytime.

      • Mad Scientist

        A boat is a hole in the water you pour money into.

      • Cy

        YOLO!

    • R C Dean

      That settles it. In 2024, I’m writing in Raccoon Ballerina for President.

      • Mojeaux

        Me — Twerking Wolf Spider

  18. PieInTheSky

    Is there in fact a toilette in the oval office?

    • SugarFree

      Yes, it is the door on the right (if you are standing, looking at the desk) opposite the entrance door.

    • R C Dean

      I think that’s the only sudden stoppage that they even tried to come up with a cover story for. And now that is sure looking like bullshit, too.

      Welp, off to do a little more digging on Uruguay as an expat destination.

      • grrizzly

        I’m sure in Uruguay there’s an exemption in the face mask mandate for drinking mate. I already have a total awesome gourd.

      • PieInTheSky

        Lichtenstein is the place for the expat libertarian

    • Rebel Scum

      In response the only public records generated as a result of the alleged “burst pipe” that halted the counting of ballots in Atlanta (Fulton Co.) were a few text messages. These messages were with the Sr. Vice President of the Atlanta Hawks, Geoffrey Stiles, who called it a “slow leak” that was “contained quickly,” and he said the entire thing was “highly exaggerated.”

      So if I want to cheat in an election I just need to leave a bathroom sink on in the counting location.

  19. grrizzly

    Prepare for the new normal.

    Monday’s news that pharmaceutical company Pfizer’s early results on a new COVID-19 vaccine showed a 90% efficacy rate on an initial clinical trial have given concert professionals hope that the business can start mounting a return in 2021. As part of that preparation, Ticketmaster has been working on a framework for post-pandemic fan safety that uses smart phones to verify fans’ vaccination status or whether they’ve tested negative for the coronavirus within a 24 to 72 hour window.

    Here’s how it would work, if approved: After purchasing a ticket for a concert, fans would need to verify that they have already been vaccinated (which would provide approximately one year of COVID-19 protection) or test negative for coronavirus approximately 24 to 72 hours prior to the concert. The length of coverage a test would provide would be governed by regional health authorities — if attendees of a Friday night concert had to be tested 48 hours in advance, most could start the testing process the day before the event. If it was a 24-hour window, most people would likely be tested the same day of the event at a lab or a health clinic.

    Once the test was complete, the fan would instruct the lab to deliver the results to their health pass company, like CLEAR or IBM. If the tests were negative, or the fan was vaccinated, the health pass company would verify the attendee’s COVID-19 status to Ticketmaster, which would then issue the fan the credentials needed to access the event. If a fan tested positive or didn’t take a test to verify their status, they would not be granted access to the event.

    • DEG

      Fuck the new normal.

      • Rebel Scum

        It’s the new abnormal, comrade.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Sounds good. Let’s roll it out to MMR, DPT, chickenpox, and HPV vaccinations as well.

  20. Lachowsky

    So, my football team’s coach has the Covid.

    I’ll note that no body at all is concerned about his mortality, only how long he will out before he can coach again. That’s how deadly this virus is.

    • PieInTheSky

      You own a football team? Something local in Arkansas? Is there minor league football?

      • Lachowsky

        You know what I mean, Mr. literalpants

    • Ted S.

      I’ll note that no body at all is concerned about his mortality

      To be fair, that’s because you no longer have morbidly obese Bret Bielema coaching.

    • LCDR_Fish

      Another thought – this morning was also reminding me of when a group of us from our first ship were invited to the [semi?] annual meeting of the Tacoma chapter of the Tin Can Sailors Association (Destroyer Escorts – now Frigates, etc). Met a bunch of old dudes who’d worked on those ships as far back as WWII, and in some cases in WWII era ships during Vietnam. A lot of good stories.

      It’s definitely the sort of organization I’d like to think about joining in the future – a little more targeted than VFW – but it really does feel like the kind of thing that you do *after* retirement when you’ve got more time on your hands, etc – although to be honest – it may also be too much a product of it’s time in a sort of pre-digital snapshot. Guess we’ll see if any of these orgs are still around in 20 yrs.

    • PieInTheSky

      Wow was the first marriage annulled automatically or was it a divorce?

      This whole military life seems to cramp one’s style

  21. Gender Traitor

    My local YMCA’s website is down, which means I can’t check schedules or make reservations for exercise classes. This only heightens my suspicion that our governor is about to shut ’em down.

    • Florida Man

      They had to move my yoga class this morning to the gym because there were too many people for the room. I don’t think we are going back. People have gotten a taste of post-fear and they like it.

  22. Nephilium

    That’s it. Now the news articles are just feeding us shit:

    High quality N-95 masks not practical for widespread use in controlling the spread of coronavirus

    From the end of the article:

    Masks still important

    While an N-95 mask may not be necessary for all of us, use of quality masks of some kind are crucial to knocking down the spike in COVID-19 and do work to some extent at protecting the wearer from breathing aerosol particles, the experts agree.

    Fucking experts.

    • Derpetologist

      Thanks to the experts, I am now on day 2 of a 14 day lock down. I am not allowed to leave my room at all. Thank god I have a laptop and an exercise bike.

      I have to wonder how the hell we could fight a war if everyone is scared to death of a virus that rarely kills except for the old and sick.

      https://www.miamiherald.com/news/coronavirus/article242228716.html

      “Soldiers leave base for illicit bar visit during lockdown. Returning was… difficult”

      ***
      According to the Eighth Army, the soldiers visited an “off-post bar” in violation of public health guidance and a ”no unauthorized travel” order. When it came time to return, one of the soldiers had to cut a hole in a fence for them to crawl through.

      All three were charged with violating lawful orders by leaving base and re-entering through the hole in the fence. Two were were charged with “willful dereliction of duty” by not reporting the hole, and one of the two was additionally charged with making false statements to investigators.

      The third faces charges for leaving camp without an authorized purpose, “soliciting others to disobey orders,” making false statements and damaging government property.

      As punishment, they were demoted in rank, docked $866 in pay for the next two months and put on a 45-day restriction with extra duties, according to the Facebook post.
      ***

      [head desk]

    • kbolino

      Any day now, those numbers will go down, thanks to the masks. Except for when they go up, which of course has nothing to do with the masks.

      • Derpetologist

        But but but the death toll is *continuing* to climb! Will it ever go back down?!

        Won’t somebody *please* think of the children?

      • Derpetologist

        I consider this lock down a stupid order, but since it works to my advantage, I’m not going to fight it.

        I will amend my line: I will never obey a stupid order unless it works to my advantage.

        It’s like the rules of acquisition.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvFYBkesqGU