Cocktails 101

by | Jan 15, 2021 | Cocktails, Drugs, LifeSkills | 220 comments

Let’s start with a definition.  A cocktail is a combination of four ingredients in glorious balance: sugar, water, spirit, and bitters.  This means that the standard two part drinks (gin and tonic, seven and seven, rum and coke) are not cocktails, but mixed drinks.  No one is quite sure where the term cocktail came from, but there’s lots of guesses as to why the name came to be and why it stuck.  The one thing that is known is that they were based on slings (sugar, water, and spirit), and punches (juices, spices, and spirits).

Generally, the sugar and water are mixed into a simple syrup.  Simple syrup is an equal measure (by weight) of sugar and water, heated until the sugar dissolves, and then cooled.  The flavor of the syrup can be changed by the sugar used (I’m partial to demerara myself) or spice and herb infusions (ginger, vanilla, cinnamon, and rosemary all make great additions).  They can be stored for a couple of weeks in the fridge, or about a week at room temperature.  If you make them double rich (twice the sugar to water ratio), they can last a while longer.

So now that we’ve gone over the history, let’s move on to the tools that we’ll need:

Shaker – There’s several different styles of shakers, all of which should be metal.  I prefer the Boston Shaker.  You’ve seen them, they’re metal cylinders that you need a second component (usually a shaker glass) that will fit into it.

Strainer – If you’re really skilled with a Boston Shaker, this is optional, as you can use the glass and shaker to strain out the ice.  Other shakers can have an integrated strainer.  Otherwise, there’s the hawthorne strainer (metal flat with a coil around it), the julep strainer (looks like a large spoon with holes in it), and then there’s always the fine mesh (cone shaped colander).

Jigger/Measuring cup – The jigger is a two sided item used to measure ingredients.  One side will be a jigger (1.5 oz) measure, the other will be a pony ( 1 oz) measure.  I’m not a fan of them, they look nice, but can easily lead to spills.  I much prefer the little 2 ounce Oxo measuring cup, they’re inexpensive, plastic, and lead to more accurate measurements.

Liquor – Liquor is generally broken down into two different groups: Clear – Vodka, Gin, Tequila, and Rum; Brown – Whisk(e)y.

Bitters – These aren’t cheap, but a little goes a long way.  Angostura aromatic bitters are the most common ones you’ll find.

Sugar – You probably already have this in your house.  Different sugars will impact the flavor of the drink in different ways.

Glassware – This one should go without saying, but you do need a glass to pour your drink into.  There’s all sorts of different glassware out there, but anything will do.

Ice – If you’re looking for a cold drink, you’ll need some ice.

Then there’s the optional but nice tools:

Muddler – These are club like items used to bruise citrus peels, herbs, or to break down sugar cubes.

Zester – These are thin peelers used to pull a layer of zest of citrus.  If you do a lot of home cooking, you probably already have something that will do this.  Keep in mind that as a garnish, you’re usually going for a long strip of zest, while for cooking, you usually want small shreds.

Bar Spoon – A long handled spoon with a twisted handle.  This lets you stir drinks that shouldn’t be shaken, with a length that makes sure it’ll reach down to the bottom of most containers.  It can also be used to make layered drinks.

Now that we’ve got the tools, let’s start with a basic cocktail, the Old Fashioned.  This is a brown liquor based drink, traditionally with bourbon or rye.  It’s simple, and very forgiving with garnishes and flourishes.  The traditional recipe is:

1 sugar cube

2-3 drops of bitters

Dash of water

1.5 oz liquor

Drop the sugar cube into the glass, drip the bitters onto the sugar cube, add a dash of water, then muddle that sugar cube (crush it down), and stir it until it’s dissolved.  Add in the liquor, add ice (if desired), and gently stir.  Garnish with a maraschino cherry if you must (we’ll get to making these later).

Some changes that can be made: substitute simple syrup for the sugar cube and water (including infused ones); use different kinds of bitters; express an orange zest (twist it so that the oils from the peel spray into the glass) into the glass; garnish with an orange wheel.

Assuming there’s interest, I’ll start going through some of the old and mostly forgotten cocktails next time.

About The Author

Nephilium

Nephilium

Nephilium is a geek of multiple types living in the vast suburban forests of Cleveland.

220 Comments

  1. pistoffnick

    I’m an old fashion type of guy

    *puts on slippers, ties onion to belt*

    • Ownbestenemy

      What no bandolier of garlic strewn across your chest? Bring out your dead!

      I used to be a huge whiskey sour fan. I guess I have migrated to less cocktails and more whiskey/whisky/bourbon/scotch type of guy.

  2. UnCivilServant

    Why did I think it was wednesday? I was expecting SugarFree, not booze.

    • Nephilium

      The question is which leads to the other more frequently?

    • DEG

      Some of the days since the holiday break have been blending together for me.

      No booze involved.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I haven’t been called that since my honeymoon.

  3. robc

    I am more a one ingredient kind of guy.

    Beer.

    Bourbon.

    etc.

    I am okay with ice in my bourbon, but that is as far as I go with fancy add-ons.

    • robc

      I once over-zealously bounced a citrus wedge off a bar when it was put in my witbier. The bartender was good, I never got one again.

      • UnCivilServant

        How rude of you. Did you at least leave an appologetic tip?

      • robc

        I always tipped her well, Lissa was very good (I am not positive how her name was pronounced, but amongst friends we referred to her as “Lisa with too many esses”). Some time later another bartender was about to wedge up my beer and she stopped him, “He doesn’t want it.”

        She is probably my 2nd favorite bartender of all time.

        My favorite was Leslie at Holy Grale. I once commented that she knew my taste better than I did. She deadpanned, “Yes” as she walked away. Any time she was working, she chose my first beer for me. It was rarely the beer I would have picked. She chose the beer I needed, not the beer I wanted.

      • UnCivilServant

        Any time she was working, she chose my first beer for me. It was rarely the beer I would have picked.

        I never would have put up with that. That sort of thing does not go over well with me.

      • robc

        I asked her to do it. She didnt do it on her own. As I said, she knew my taste better than I did.

      • robc

        I think it started with me asking what was new and interesting and her suggesting things I never would have chosen. But I tried them and started letting her pick for me after that.

      • Urthona

        That would be easy with me as I pretty much like all varieties of beer any time.

      • robc

        All beers are created equal, but some are more equal that others.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Witbier in the front and Dunkels sit in the back?

      • Urthona

        Oh my

      • Nephilium

        One of the unfortunate trends here is to put brown sugar and cinnamon on the rims of glasses for Christmas ale. The local I go to the most did that once, when I asked for the next one without the rim, they’ve remembered it ever since. There’s a reason I enjoy going there.

      • DEG

        The places I go to all ask me if I want the sugar/cinnamon rim for the beers they do that for.

        Usually I say no, but there have been a few occasions where I decided I wanted dessert and said yes.

    • Idle Hands

      I like gin and tonic or gin martini’s but otherwise I tend to agree.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      This is me. Occasionally a glass of wine, but I just want to pour and go.

  4. Tulip

    There’s definitely interest in more articles, Neph!

  5. Ownbestenemy

    The most passive aggressive statement

    “Assuming there’s interest, I’ll start going through some of the old and mostly forgotten cocktails next time.”

    Nah, no one here likes booze or ideas for booze or talks of booze.

    Thanks Neph for the article!

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      talks of booze

      I move Neph replace Suderman in all responsibilities; is there a second in the house?

      • Raven Nation

        Second!

      • DEG

        Thirded.

    • Nephilium

      Well fine… guess I’ll start writing up another one then.

      • WTF

        Please do, you know what lushes we are.

    • Aus

      I like booze.

  6. Timeloose

    I really like a good cocktail. Some of my favorites are the really old ones nobody makes anymore. My wife and I had a great time ordering old cocktails while in New Orleans. One of my favorite places there was the Old Absinth House. Lots of Pimms cups, Ramos Fizz, and Sazerac.

    • rhywun

      Nice. Went to a hipster cocktail joint once and enjoyed one Ramos Fizz after another.

      • Tulip

        Went to a very hipster restaurant in Vancouver that specialized in old fashioneds. Enjoyed it immensely.

  7. The Late P Brooks

    some of the old and mostly forgotten cocktails next time.

    Oddly enough, the French 75 has suddenly become a thing with some of the people I know. Not with me, because I stopped drinking distilled spirits 25 or 30 years ago.

    *The combination of gin, lemon juice, Champagne, and sugar was said to have a kick like a French 75mm field gin.

    • robc

      field gin

      • UnCivilServant

        Less of a kick than a seige gin.

    • EvilSheldon

      The only reason I’m not completely addicted to French 75s, is that I rarely keep Champagne around. Can’t stand the stuff except as a mixer.

      • EvilSheldon

        An interesting variation of the French 75 is the Death in the Afternoon cocktail, reputedly invented by Ernest Hemingway:

        Pour a jigger of Absinthe into a large Champagne flute, then top it up with Champagne poured over a sugar cube.

    • DEG

      Gun Jesus has a French 75 to celebrate reaching one million subscribers to his youtube channel.

      • Swiss Servator

        NEVER – I WANT THE FRENCH 75!

      • Gustave Lytton

        “Red leg in the open. Three rounds WP of drinks. Over.”

      • Swiss Servator

        French 75?
        French 75?

        Three French 75s please.

    • Shpip

      French 75s can also be made with cognac. Or for a semi-tropical twist use aged rum for a Centrefield.

  8. EvilSheldon

    Excellent, I love an Old Fashioned! Except what’s with the stingy pour? 2oz., please. I also think that the twist of orange peel is a requirement rather than an option, but I understand that opinions can vary…

    I made an Old Fashioned with Laird’s 7-year-old Applejack the other night. It was pretty good.

    • Nephilium

      The Old Fashioned is a nice one to start because there’s so many different adjustments that can be made to fit personal tastes (as long as you like the base liquor). I for one usually use double the bitters. I’m not a fan of the fruit salad garnish that has become popular in the modern times.

      • Ed Wuncler

        I don’t do a lot of cocktails but when I do, I always go for the Old Fashioned.

    • DEG

      Laird’s 7-year-old Applejack

      That stuff is good.

    • Ted S.

      2 oz. *is* stingy.

  9. The Late P Brooks

    field gin

    Didn’t even notice that; just a quick copy-pasta.

  10. Old Man With Candy

    So, you’ll work the bar at our next party?

    • Nephilium

      If it’s needed, I can.

      /starts lining up article on how to batch cocktails

  11. KromulentKristen

    I like me an Old Fashioned. With the cheap cherries. The good cherries are for Aviations.

    • EvilSheldon

      Doesn’t the liquor from the Luxardo cherries spoil the color?

      • KromulentKristen

        In an Old Fashioned? Probably.

      • EvilSheldon

        I actually meant in an Aviation. The first time I made one, I used the liqueur from my ever-present jar of Luxardo cherries. It tasted great, but looked all wrong – kind of a muddy pink color.

        The second time, I had a bottle of Luxardo cherry liqueur. They tasted even better, and looked perfect.

        Aviation cocktails are really the only ones I’m this OCD about…

      • KromulentKristen

        Oh yeah, you need the bottled maraschino liqueur…the Luxardos I have are in syrup, not liqueur, so I just drizzle a small amount in the glass when I put the cherry in.

      • KromulentKristen

        (all the color in my Aviations comes from the Creme de Violette. I’ve noticed different brands are different shades of purple)

      • EvilSheldon

        The lemon juice does a little bit. I strain it thru some cheesecloth to clarify it.

  12. Akira

    Bitters – These aren’t cheap, but a little goes a long way. Angostura aromatic bitters are the most common ones you’ll find.

    Over 10 years ago, I got an 8-pack of Fee Brothers bitters. There are all kinds of fruit flavors along with mint and “Old Fashioned” (an apparent imitation of Angostura).

    They’re all pretty good, and I even put some in plain club soda for something close to that expensive La Croix stuff.

    • KromulentKristen

      They make a rhubarb bitters, IIRC?

      • Akira

        Yes! That was in the pack, and it’s one of my favorites to have in the club soda.

        The mint bitters are nasty though. I put them in a gin and tonic one time, and it tasted like fucking Listerine.

      • KromulentKristen

        They’re yummy! I discovered the rhubarb bitters in a drink at a bar in Waterbury, VT. Pimms, ginger beer, and rhubarb bitters. I’m tryna remember if there was another booze besides Pimms in there…

    • Nephilium

      I’ve got a dropper bottle of house made bitters from a local cocktail bar (Velvet Tango Room – website is currently down), they’re fantastic.

  13. UnCivilServant

    There is an unlisted benefit to using LED bulbs. I just broke the bulb off the light in my living room, but the transformer base provided ample surface to just unscrew it and put in a replacement.

    Note to self, the ceiling is only eight feet, don’t move carry boxes above my head.

  14. Raven Nation

    I’m not going to link here because I don’t want to make it too easier to steal Nephilium’s thunder, but Suderman had a really interesting piece at TOS on the re-discovery of the cocktail in the 1980s. It includes a discussion of Prohibition and its effect on cocktails. If you’re interested it’s in the October 2017 mag.

    • Akira

      It includes a discussion of Prohibition and its effect on cocktails.

      Haha yea, I think I remember that article. Weren’t most cocktails invented to mask the awful taste of bootleg liquor?

      • Nephilium

        That’s the belief. Which would explain why the non-tiki cocktails/mixed drinks from prohibition tended towards sweet and syrupy and used clear liquors. Easier to substitute a different clear liquor for another and the sugar would help mask the flavor.

        Tiki drinks are their own special kind of delicious madness.

      • Swiss Servator

        One “Manchurian Candidate”, plz.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Mr McArdle would be all about the cocktails…

  15. Akira

    There’s a concoction I drink a lot, and I’m not sure if it has a name… I was reading a book about early jazz that said that the black musicians from the Cotton Club would have their own parties after closing time where they would have jam sessions fueled by peach brandy and whiskey.

    So I mixed some rye, Paramount peach “brandy”, a few slices of canned peach, and club soda over ice in a rocks glass. I love them.

    • Swiss Servator

      Call it a “Cotton Club”

  16. DEG

    Clear – Vodka, Gin, Tequila, and Rum

    Dark rum is considered clear? The last bottle of Gosling’s Old Rum I went through was damn near opaque.

    Assuming there’s interest, I’ll start going through some of the old and mostly forgotten cocktails next time.

    Yes please.

    • Nephilium

      If it’s barrel aged, it can qualify as a brown liquor. Quite a few of the tequilas and rums out there just use caramel coloring to add color to them.

      • DEG

        Got it.

        Old Rum is barrel aged. I don’t know if Gosling’s ages Black Seal or their other rums in barrels.

  17. DEG

    Fuck. There is someone walking by himself on my road on this unusually warm winter day (current temp is about 43 degrees Fahrenheit) while wearing a mask.

    • kbolino

      Outdoor solo mask wearers are commonplace here too. I’d say most still go without though.

  18. Rebel Scum

    This is a start, I guess.

    With less than a week left in office, President Trump is declassifying a “massive trove” of FBI documents relating to Obamagate, including FBI documents “showing the Russia collusion story was leaked in the final weeks of the 2016 election in an effort to counteract Hillary Clinton’s email scandal,” reports Just The News

    The documents could be released as early as Friday, and are said to include “FBI interviews and human source evaluation reports for two of the main informants in the Russia case, former MI6 agent Christopher Steele and academic Stefan Halper.”

    • commodious spittoon

      The documents could be released as early as Friday

      They request is sitting at the bottom of a very large stack in the inbox of an agent who’s on medical leave.

      • Raven Nation

        Who’s office is at the bottom of a stairwell with a light that doesn’t work and a sign on the door saying “Beware of the leopard.”

      • Raven Nation

        Damn it, “whose”

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh, you’ve been to my cube?

      • commodious spittoon

        That’s the display declassification department.

      • KromulentKristen

        Douglas Adams FTW

    • WTF

      You can bet the Dems and the FBI will do their best to stop the release, and anything that does get out will be ignored by the MSM.

      • commodious spittoon

        It hardly matters anyway. Mr. Fortieth Dimensional Chess Master waited over a year after it might have seemed relevant. Now it looks petty and sore losery.

      • Akira

        and anything that does get out will be ignored by the MSM.

        And of course, anyone who tries to spread it on non-mainstream sources will be deplatformed.

    • Jerms

      But when the MSM doest mention any of it—did it really happen?

      • Ownbestenemy

        ^^ This right here.

        Or

        “We chose not to release these documents because in our view, we are protecting Democracy!

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        These official FBI documents are part of a Russian disinformation program.

  19. Mojeaux

    You all can keep the liquor and most accoutrements. Just pass the maraschino cherries and I’ll drive you all home.

    • UnCivilServant

      I am home.

      I think.

      But I also think it’s wednesday, so I have to take what comes out of my brain with a grain of salt.

    • Nephilium

      I assume you mean the maraschino cherries that weren’t aged in liquor?

      Never look up how the mass marketed ones are made if you enjoy them.

    • Tulip

      Excellent!

    • EvilSheldon

      Maybe a little vanilla ice cream with those?

      • Mojeaux

        Dude, my mother bakes the best cherry pie ever and mine cannot compete. The only birthday present I want from her is a cherry pie, yes, with vanilla ice cream.

        I do love me some Shirley Temple poke cake, though. In fact, that is the whole reason I built my recipe site, so I could shop for anything on a whim at the grocery store and not have to remember the recipes.

        Tangent alert: Regarding pies, I made an apple one once and decided that if a little cinnamon and sugar and butter is good, a lot’s gotta be better. I ended up with a cinnamon swamp. XX loved it (sparingly, with ice cream). The rest of us…not so much (and apple pie is only about 5th on my list of preferred pies). Not even with ice cream.

        I twice made a schadenfreude pie. The first time I knocked it out of the park. The second time…not so much. Again, XX loved it. Sparingly. With ice cream.

      • DEG

        The Schadenfreude pie looks good.

      • Mojeaux

        The second one, the custard didn’t SEEM (key word there) to set up, so I baked it longer. It turned out like taffy/semi-hard candy.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m only partly sure, but I think with custards, they set on cooling, and will be jiggly coming out of the oven.

      • Mojeaux

        Well, sort of. If you stick a knife in the center, it will come out clean if it’s done, even if it’s still jiggly. (I make enough pumpkin pies, FFS.) For the second pie, my knife never came out clean and I don’t know why.

    • pistoffnick

      Our Enginerds Club in college had a Muslim professor (his name was also Mo) as its advisor/chaperone. His religious aversion to alcohol came in handy during a field trip to Canada (where the drinking age was still 18).

    • Ownbestenemy

      And we all thank you for that Mo!

  20. Rebel Scum

    The purge continues.

    Mailchimp blocked Virginia’s top gun-rights group from sending newsletters through its service for unspecified reasons.

    The Virginia Citizens Defense League (VCDL) announced Wednesday night that its account with the leading mass-distribution service had been suspended. The tech giant failed to provide any reason for the decision. The blackout has left the group scrambling to find an alternative.

    “There was no justification,” Philip Van Cleave, the president of the VCDL, told the Washington Free Beacon. “They provided nothing. Basically, they just said we need to get our stuff and be prepared to move on.”

    • EvilSheldon

      Fortunately VCDL is back up and running as of yesterday.

  21. Rebel Scum

    CWAA

    Lincoln Project’s Steve Schmidt compares himself, the Lincoln Project, and Never Trumpers fighting Donald Trump and the GOP to those who fought at Lexington and Concord, Antietam, Gettysburg, Normandy, and civil rights activists crossing the Edmund Pettus Bridge.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      OFFS

    • WTF

      Well sure, but on the side of the English, the Nazis and the Klan.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      Sounds like STEVE SMITH should pay a visit.

  22. Rebel Scum

    Assault vests.

    A New York lawmaker is attempting to seize body armor from civilians and would make it illegal to buy the protective gear in the state.

    The bill from assemblymember Jonathan G. Jacobson (D.) would outlaw the sale and possession of body armor in the state of New York. The bill would require residents who own a bulletproof vest to turn them over to police within 15 days of the bill becoming law. It would make New York the first state to ban the purchase or possession of bulletproof vests for law-abiding residents.

    No gun for protection, no protection from bullets. Submit, serfs.

    • kbolino

      Even while I can understand (if vehemently disagree with) the gun grabbers, the armor grabbers are just completely alien to me.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        -1 John

        He always would go into a rant about body armor when it was brought up.

      • Ted S.

        Yeah, I thought of John too.

      • commodious spittoon

        Enforcing helplessness. They don’t want anyone standing up to their brown shirts.

      • Sean

        Just another front to fuck with gun owners on. Ya know, those icky deplorables.

      • Lachowsky

        Harder for the cops to kill the gun owners who don’t comply if they are wearing armor.

        /progressive violent fantasy.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Lincoln Project’s Steve Schmidt compares himself, the Lincoln Project, and Never Trumpers fighting Donald Trump and the GOP to those who fought at Lexington and Concord, Antietam, Gettysburg, Normandy, and civil rights activists crossing the Edmund Pettus Bridge.

    Of course he does. Those Doomsday LARPers are the only thing between us and the Abyss.

    • commodious spittoon

      Tbh it seems like most of the claims these grifters make are intended to rile up conservatives. It’s not delusion, it’s fundraising.

    • The Other Kevin

      I have a friend who’s one of those establishment Republicans. Worked for someone’s campaign a few elections ago, thinks Romney and McCain and the Bushes are swell. Hates all things Trump and regards his supporters as stupid rednecks. He considers the capitol protest to be 100% insurrection. He definitely sees this as an existential fight for the Republican party.

      • commodious spittoon

        King of the hill to be the permanent minority party/pretend opposition.

      • Plisade

        My mom is that way as well. It’s strange cuz she only watches the MSM, and that is like all day e’r’ day. But rather than turned her into a liberal, she’s become just as you describe. In all fairness, with a little mansplainin on my part she comes around to the glib side of things.

      • The Other Kevin

        I think a lot of it is nostalgia. But the GOP if the 90’s isn’t doing jack for anyone, and they sure aren’t equipped to handle today’s Democrats.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        Schmidt could well be an egomaniac

        and your friend could still be right on all points

        to despise Trump is not to necessarily embrace all the failings of his enemies

  24. UnCivilServant

    My updated car registration just arrived.

    Now I’m back to the biannual problem – how do I get that adhesive off the windshield?

    I’m thinking acetone at this point, since nothing else I’ve tried has worked.

    • robc

      Can you put the new one on top of the old one?

      • UnCivilServant

        No, they go on the inside of the windshield.

      • UnCivilServant

        And if you leave the old adhesive on the windscreen, the new registration sticker tends to fall off (recurring problem I’ve had as long as I’ve owned cars.)

      • Sean

        What’s the point of the sticker these days?

        I mean, with every podunk copy now having plate readers.

      • Sean

        *cop

      • UnCivilServant

        So you can write a ticket for having an out of date sticker, even if your registration is current.

      • Sean

        Brilliant.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      with solvents, start easy and less flammable: you can always go nuclear later

      I don’t know what coatings or layers are involved, but car glass isn’t 100% glass, of course

      I’d try paint thinner first, for example: 142F flashpoint

    • Rebel Scum

      Razor.

    • db

      Can of WD-40 and a match?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      muriatic acid

      • commodious spittoon

        Me, 14, my sister, 12: wrist-deep in muriatic acid to scrub ancient paint off the slats we took off the front yard fence to use as a ceiling for the front porch. Mom gave us gloves though, and they were probably appropriate for the task. We still have our fingertips.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      For something a little more flammable. I’ve found charcoal lighter fluid to work.

    • UnCivilServant

      Acetone worked like a dream. Took off several layers of adjesive and paper from past registrations with only a little scrubbing.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      Smash the window and get a new one.

      • Gender Traitor

        Krugman-approved method

    • Rat on a train

      What state are you in? Here the stickers go on the plates. The safety inspection goes on the windshield.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    Tbh it seems like most of the claims these grifters make are intended to rile up conservatives. It’s not delusion, it’s fundraising.

    I suspect you’re right. If you looked at the Lincoln Project books, the fundraising expenses (and salaries, and administrative expenses, et c) must dwarf any actual campaign expenditures.

    • one true athena

      Oh this is true. Last nov someone did a dive on their finances and it’s exactly that to the tune of millions of dollars.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    I’m thinking acetone at this point, since nothing else I’ve tried has worked.

    Carburetor cleaner.

    • commodious spittoon

      These are some wild cocktails.

      • Plisade

        +1 Freddie Quell’s moonshine in The Master

  27. The Late P Brooks

    These are some wild cocktails.

    You know when your mouth is gettin’ dry

    You’re pretty high

    • pistoffnick

      “What time is it?”

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        The clock on the wall say three o’clock

      • mikey

        Last call

    • Mad Scientist

      Look, man. Come down here.

  28. Dr. Fronkensteen

    This is a brown liquor based drink, traditionally with bourbon or rye

    You misspelled Brandy.

    • Sean

      I wouldn’t turn down a glass of B&B.

    • Ted S.

      She’s a fine girl.

  29. Brochettaward

    Nephilium – congrats on the Browns win and giving the Steelers what was, in my opinion, the most embarrassing playoff loss of my lifetime.

    • Mojeaux

      Seconded.

      That said, the Browns are the enemy–this week.

      I see Kareem Hunt threw shade on the Chiefs and the Chiefs hit back with kindness and praise for him. Eric Bieniemy is a peach.

      • Nephilium

        Yeah, but one of your receivers didn’t think we would be competition. We’ll see how that goes.

      • Mojeaux

        I think I vaguely heard that (can’t remember who/where/when), but I do remember being disappointed that he said that.

        FWIW, I am worried about the game. We have been winning, but not conquering because it’s all sloppy and lazy playing. We cannot afford to take you lightly.

      • Nephilium

        Looks like it was Sammy Watkins. No where near as bad as the Stillers trash talk.

        I’m just hoping for a good, solid, clean game… and that we play the Bills next week. 🙂

      • Mojeaux

        Well, damn. Sorry about that.

      • Nephilium

        If you look down below, the Stillers have a wide receiver that’s still talking trash after losing. Baker’s already downplayed what Sammy said, instead of the Ju-Ju Browns is Browns and Nameless Grey Faces (both of which are already popular on shirts here in Cleveland).

        A lot of the game is going to be on our weak pass defense, and on the shoulders of Chubb and Hunt. In our favor, we’re getting a lot of our tools back from injuries, and Stefanski is going to be there as well.

      • Mojeaux

        OT: Apparently there is a friendly rivalry between Mahomes and Mayfield that goes back to Texas Tech, in which TT appears to have screwed Mayfield over royally.

        OOT: Mayfield has beaten Mahomes, in college ball.

        Am I worried? Oh hell yeah.

    • Nephilium

      Thanks. The real fun is that the Stillers are still salty about the loss, and still talking trash.

    • The Hyperbole

      They should have went for it on the 4th and 1.

      • Nephilium

        The basement I was in was surprised that they didn’t.

      • Ownbestenemy

        That was probably their down fall..and Big Ben’s ability to throw clutch interceptions too

      • Viking1865

        The contrast between Brady and Big Ben is so interesting. Ben is such a throwback, you know he has absolutely no offseason diet and training regimen. He’s like some old school NFL guy who’d smoke and drink on the bench.

        Meanwhile Brady is an absolute fanatic about taking care of his body. Finished as PFF’s QB2, 8th in ANY/A. Just chugging right along.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      I had to take an anti-bribery/corruption learning module for work. During the sections on looking for red flags, all I could think of was Hunter Biden.

      • Sean

        10% to the big guy.

    • Plisade

      The ability to launder money is a job qualifications requirement to work for The Office of President Elect Joe Biden Inc.

  30. The Late P Brooks

    Chatterbators

    The FBI is tracking an “extensive amount of concerning online chatter,” including calls for armed protests leading up to next week’s presidential inauguration, Director Chris Wray said Thursday.

    Wray, in his first public appearance since the Jan. 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol, said in a security briefing for Vice President Mike Pence that the FBI remains concerned about the potential for violence at protests and rallies in Washington and in state capitols around the country.

    Those events could bring armed individuals near government buildings and elected officials, Wray warned, while also noting, “One of the real challenges in this space is trying to distinguish what’s aspirational versus what’s intentional.”

    Wray said the FBI was receiving a “significant” amount of information that it was pushing out to other law enforcement agencies ahead of the inauguration. Information-sharing is critical before any significant public event like the inauguration, but the issue is receiving particular scrutiny because of signs law enforcement was unprepared for the violent, deadly surge at the Capitol by loyalists of President Donald Trump.

    When you are terrified of the people you work for, you’re most likely in the wrong line of work.

    • Plisade

      Biden should have nothing to fear if he has nothing to hide.

      # of DC Troops α Proggies’ Lies

    • kbolino

      Wray rates about a 9 on the swamp-o-meter.

  31. The Late P Brooks

    “We know who you are. If you’re out there, an FBI agent is coming to find you,” he added.

    Okay. Will he bring me some money and some dummy C4 to to assist me in my insurrectionist plot?

  32. Shpip

    My wife’s tipple of choice is the De la Louisianne, which can best be described as the love child of a Manhattan and a Vieux Carre.

    I’m usually sipping a Martini (Monkey 47 FTW), but will make myself a 20th Century once in a while.

    • Swiss Servator

      Monkey 47 is grand, just grand!

    • EvilSheldon

      I love a Vieux Carre, too. I know I’ve had enough when I can no longer pronounce the name…

  33. Swiss Servator

    “use different kinds of bitters; express an orange zest (twist it so that the oils from the peel spray into the glass) into the glass; garnish with an orange wheel.”

    CORRECT.

    I am on board with the French 75.

  34. Viking1865

    More and more media battlespace prep for the Great Reopening now that Orange Man is gone. I thought I was ready for this, I thought I could take it in stride. But it’s hitting me pretty hard. The bastards pulled it off, they got away with it. They hammered all these small businesses into the dirt, they made millions miserable, they ran up an even more enormous debt, they terrorized the children of the world, and they’re going to do nothing but profit from it. Of all the people I know and see, the ones cheering for PANDEMIC SAFETY, not a single one of them has missed a paycheck. There’s not one single fucking person I personally know whos been put out of work and said “Well, this is the sacrifice I am making for the greater good.” It’s all fucking government drones, or its people who can work from home and not miss a beat

    They got away with it. There’s no karma, there’s no justice. They got everything they wanted, and it didn’t cost them anything at all, just the opposite in fact. They profited from it. Like, it used to be yeah the bastards took your money, and they had their laws and rules, but once you paid them the mordida you could get on with your life. Then they took that away, and they did it to throw an election to their preferred candidate, and it worked. It worked completely.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Beginning to look that way isn’t it. I posted the RedState article in the morning links showing NYC, ChiTown, various ‘news’ agencies, all calling for reopening now without batting an eye at their destruction behind them. Hey…seems similar to something that had happened last week also. Propaganda at its absolute finest. I will give credit where due.

    • Mojeaux

      It may be because of the research I’ve been doing, but we are more medieval peasants than we would like to think, and we will be subjugated by progressively harsher nobles until we’re all starving, and the bureaucrats and apparatchiks are the king’s court.

      • Ownbestenemy

        It is the old new Dark Ages…in science, in medicine, in political theory, in our parts in the world.

      • Rebel Scum

        Perfect* since the global elites want to subjugate the masses with the Great Reset. (not a conspiracy theory, they say it outright.) There is a reason Biden’s campaign slogan was a phrase coined by the WEF.

        *for the powers that be at least.

    • kbolino

      There’s no karma, there’s no justice.

      Unless you are positing the literal end of the world will occur on the 21st, this is a bit premature.

      • Mojeaux

        But will the pendulum swing back?

    • Gustave Lytton

      There’s no shame when they’re caught with their hands in the cookie jar either. No attempt to lead by example. Just edicts and mandates. And hypocrisy.

      • Viking1865

        Yep and now the media operatives are going to start releasing a steady flow of all the information from six months ago that shows the uselessness of lockdowns. They’e gonna tell people “Get back to work, get back to school, get back to earning and paying taxes and going out to eat. Go back to Disney. Go back to college.” Just flip it right back to “99.9% of people survive COVID” which has been true since at least May but now that The Right People are back in The Right Spots they need you to go back to work. Bailouts coming for academia, probably Big Media, for all the blue pensions bombs. All in the guise of Build Back Better.

    • The Other Kevin

      I keep reminding myself that you can’t predict the future. Especially now, things move very quickly and seem to come out of nowhere. The financial crisis, Trump’s presidency COVID, all stuff that we never saw coming.

  35. grrizzly

    Who needs government enforcement with private companies like this?

    Alaska temporarily implements additional DC-area safety measures

    Specific examples, which begin tomorrow, January 15, include:

    Increased mask enforcement on the ground and throughout the journey for all routes, including in partnership with airports from which we fly.
    To support law enforcement’s calls to avoid travel to the area, we will limit the number of tickets purchased on flights to and from the DC metro area.
    We will temporarily ban checked firearms on flights to the DC metro area, specifically flights to and from Baltimore/Washington International Airport, Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport and Dulles International Airport.
    All passengers traveling to and from the DC metro area must stay seated one hour after take-off and one hour before landing.
    We’re adding extra personnel to support compliance.
    We have procedures to ensure compliance prior to departure and takeoff, and for turn-back or diversions, should the circumstance warrant.
    And, we will have a dedicated command center to monitor every phase of the journey – check in, boarding, taxi, climb, cruise, descent and arrival – to ensure compliance and allow us to quickly respond to and resolve any incidents.

    • Plinker762

      America’s Al-Qaeda prepares to strike!

    • commodious spittoon

      Hey, remember when United had a guy smacked and dragged screaming off a flight, and everyone found that really unsettling?

    • pistoffnick

      I remember when flying was glamourous and fun.

      *yells at clouds*

  36. The Late P Brooks

    We have procedures to ensure compliance prior to departure and takeoff, and for turn-back or diversions, should the circumstance warrant.

    Air marshals will outnumber the passengers.

  37. The Late P Brooks

    Lies, damned lies, and computer models

    Over 90,000 Americans could die of Covid-19 in the next three weeks, according to new predictions from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. This is occurring as the United States has surpassed 388,000 reported deaths, with the country shattering the record of over 4,000 deaths per day for two days last week.
    The numbers are sobering. Public health experts have sounded the alarm for months that even with the great promise of vaccines on the horizon, there are dark days ahead, with the worst of the pandemic potentially yet to come.

    ——-

    The people we could see dying in the next two or three weeks are those who have already been exposed to coronavirus, possibly during the December holiday season. The best that can be done is for these individuals to seek prompt medical care and to receive the best care possible to treat their illness, but it’s too late to prevent them from getting infected.

    That’s not the case for all the people who haven’t been infected yet. There is a big difference between modeling for a weather forecast and modeling for an infectious disease. You may be able to predict the path of a hurricane and then get out of that path, but you can’t change where the hurricane goes. That’s different with a pandemic. The future is not preordained. Our individual and collective actions now are what determine how much the virus spreads.

    ——-

    An influential model by the University of Washington shows that mask wearing can save 30,000 lives between now and March. That’s really remarkable. President-elect Biden has talked about masks as a patriotic duty, a way for us to show respect for one another. We should be wearing masks any time we are outside and cannot keep 6 feet apart from others, and any time we are inside with those not in our immediate family.

    How has your model performed, predictively? Do real world observational numbers back it up? Have you established correlation between masks and rate of infection? Have you fucking cretins been right about anything in the last ten months?

    Fuck off, then.

    • Plisade

      “…could…predictions…promise…potentially…could…possibly…modeling…collective…model…patriotic duty…should…”

  38. The Late P Brooks

    Another nugget:

    I’m seeing more patients who have no idea where they contracted the coronavirus. There is a familiar story: They have been so careful to quarantine and not expose themselves to risk. Maybe all they’re doing is going to work in environments that require masks and distancing, or maybe only exposures they have are through grocery shopping and running errands.

    There is just so much coronavirus around us that the same activities that were pretty safe a few months ago are just riskier now. That means we need to be even more vigilant. If you were going grocery shopping once a week, consider reducing it to once every two weeks. If you are particularly vulnerable to severe disease, consider having your groceries delivered. Be even more attentive if you have to take the subway or bus to get to work. Of course, wear a mask at all times (at least a three-ply surgical mask). Again, make sure that you do not get together indoor with people, even your close friends.

    It’s your own damn fault. You didn’t follow instructions. If it won’t go together right, it’s because you’re just not hitting it hard enough. It cannot be that we don’t know what we’re talking about.

    • commodious spittoon

      Fuck. Off. And. Die.

    • wdalasio

      Comrade Commissar’s glorious plans for a disease-free future would have heralded in a new age of health and progress. It’s just that the plans were ruined by all you hoarders and wreckers!

  39. wdalasio

    But will the pendulum swing back?

    It will. Eventually. And every decision they made will set the precedent for their enemies. Maybe even and then some. Honestly, I don’t even relish it.

    They think with banishing Trump and stealing the election, they’ve won and it’s all their way from here on out. I think they misinterpreted the Trump phenomenon. I think Trump was the last lifeline for a lot of people to the system. And they saw their “tribune” pushed out by what they see as fraud. What’s more, they’re seeing the system respond with utter and complete vindictiveness. Not only to Trump. But, the public who supported him. But, a lot of those voters are the backbone of middle America. No, I’m not sanctifying them. I’m acknowledging the huge role “the deplorables” play in making the country run. I think it gets a lot uglier from here. They didn’t like Donald Trump. I think they’re really not going to like what winds up taking his place.

  40. Viking1865

    “No, I’m not sanctifying them. I’m acknowledging the huge role “the deplorables” play in making the country run.”

    Yeah I think sanctifying is a strong word. But lets postulate something, just as a thought experiment.

    Lets say that from the moment you start paying taxes, your SSN becomes an account. Paying taxes credits the account, taking welfare, or a government loan, or a government job debits the account. Every year, when you go to vote, the system checks your account balance, and it has to be positive for your vote to count.

    There are plenty of red welfare queens, I’m not disputing that at all, even for an instant. I know a few of them. I don’t consider them friends, because honestly I prefer honest parasites who vote Blue for the money than the people I know who talk a lot about freedom while sucking at the tit. But I think, on balance, that the Democrat voting margin is highly dependent on, well, dependents. Its those who don’t work and live off those who do, or those who work some cushy government make work job. Again, not saying there aren’t plenty of Republicans working those jobs too, not at all.

    But on balance, if you only let the net taxpayers vote, the Democrats would have an awfully hard time winning elections.

    • wdalasio

      That’s part of it. But, I’m not even sure it’s the important part. A lot of us live on an infrastructure that’s built, maintained, and run by the very people these guys express contempt for. Whether it’s the dinner we pick up from the grocery store, the lights we expect to magically illuminate the room when we flick a switch, the ubiquitous internet that we expect to be on command at a moment’s notice, the water flowing from our taps (okay, I’m on well water, but I think I’m the exception) without a moment’s thought,…you name it. Trump’s base seems to have had an outsized number of the sorts of people who make this infrastructure happen. I’ll add something else, the people we count on to actually fight our wars (no, not the military leadership; the actual people doing the fighting and dying) seem to be largely drawn from the ranks of Trump’s base. I don’t think they’ve thought through what could happen if somebody organized these folks’ outrage.