My afternoon was filled with meaningless spreadsheets at work. Catching up on the things I would have otherwise taken care of had I not been required to sit in on Zoom meetings all morning between various corporate overlords and data geeks with little idea what any of these numbers actually mean. Then it happened.
The doorbell rang.
The tiny ass dog began her usual yap fest at what I assumed was a working-class Amazon driver because he couldn’t get his damn camera phone to work to complete his delivery. Stupid porch pirates. The infernal yapping continued until she realized it was a FedEx guy. The tiny ass dog has the typical chihuahua hatred for everything, but has a soft spot for FedEx on account of their not being the post office.
I opened the box and was surprised at what was inside…
It came with a note:
Good afternoon,
For some reason, Mr. Swiss invites you to Das Schweitzer Oktoberfest this weekend at Millennium Park in Chicago. If you weren’t such a goddamn lush you might notice a plane ticket is in the box underneath the Founder’s Märzen, who is sponsoring the event. He said to be prudent with travel expenditures, so I took it upon myself to book the redeye on Spirit Airlines out of Mesa-Gateway…
He also said to include the word “cordial,’ so you are cordially invited to die in a plane crash riding steerage.
MAGA bitch.
Respectfully,
Prathiba Bhatramanshakenaniken, MBA
Executive Assistant, Swiss Corps International Industries
Of course, they put me on a redeye out of an airport an hour away. At least I get a free beer out of this.
_____
“Mex! You made it!” Several hundred people were stumbling over their own feet in the park and the only person left sober to find me was Sugarfree.
“What choice did I have?” I asked. “They paid for the plane ticket, finally.”
“Its been so long, Swiss was very excited for Masskrugstemmen. He’s been training for two years now and boasted he could even beat STEVE SMITH.”
“Its not bragging if you can back it up.” I replied.
“He plans to. He made sure STEVE SMITH was also invited.”
“They invited a sasquatch with poor impulse control to an Oktoberfest?”
“Like that’s something unusual for Chicago.”
_____
“Kandidaten bereit?” Swiss shouted in a tongue I was not familiar.
“STEVE SMITH READY FOR RAPE.“
“Gut. Sehr gut.” Swiss replied. “Ich zu Kick…Ihre…Arsch”
“What the hell is he shouting?” I asked.
“Just do what they do.” Sugarfree answered.
“You’re not even playing.”
“Beer contains unprocessed sugars. I can’t drink beer.” Sugarfree said as he took a swig from a flask.
“Heben Sie Ihre Steine!”
Dutifully, lines of an unusual combination of people raised their stein filled with Founder’s Marzen. Ranging from rainbow lederhosen, white guys with dreadlocks, snug European cut slacks and open collar shirts, hipsters, Turkish street vendors, neckbeards in cargo shorts, Nigerian royalty, the colorful thin line flag people, Arab sheiks, men with ponytails, over-perfumed Persians with gold necklaces, people otherwise pretending to be German, and a seven-foot Sasquatch all began the competition.
“This seems…unnecessary.” I said. I clutched the stein with both hands and drank half of it, eliminating myself from the competition with a hearty belch. It was delightfully malty with a slight, crisp bite that left me with the feeling I could drink another hundred of these.
“Mex! Ich wusste, dass du es nicht hacken konntest!” Swiss shouted with delight.
“Um…yeah. Thanks for the beer?”
_____
Hours passed. Only Swiss and STEVE SMITH remained standing tall with their mighty steins in front of the enormous polished turd people were gathering around in the park.
“It really does suit Chicago, doesn’t it?” Sugarfree asked.
“What does?” I asked.
“An enormous polished turd as a tourist attraction.”
“I really hate when you do that.”
“I really hate when you try to close off your thoughts from other people. It makes our relationship more awkward than it needs to be.” Sugarfree said flatly.
“Fine. What am I thinking about now?”
“You’re wondering if all those Incels with red hats are marching towards our Oktoberfest.”
“Yeah, but that was kind of obvious wasn’t it?”
A group of what appeared to be Proud Boys began to shove their way into the crowd.
“BuCk FideN!” A skinny man with a bullhorn shouted.
“BuCk FideN!”
“MuCk his FanDaTe!”
“MuCk his FanDaTe!”
“BuCk FideN!”
“BuCk FideN!”
It quickly turned into a heavy metal concert with all the shoving from short, skinny teenagers, overturned beer kegs and groups of Incels ganging up to wail on the Arab sheiks and the Perfumed Persians.
“It does looks like a Tool concert.” Sugarfree said.
“Es braucht mehr als Incels, um mich STEVE SMITH zu schlagen.” Swiss shouted amidst the commotion.
The commotion lead to police involvement, who were no match for the destructive, right wing mob. Riot police would soon be arriving. Some asshole stepped on my shoe.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” I heard Sugarfree from a distance.
“What?” I turned and found Sugarfree under a tree, behind a canvas. I walked over to find him serenely painting the entire scene.
“BuCk FideN!”
“MuCk his FanDaTe!”
“BuCk FideN!”
“Sie werden dich dazu bringen, STEVE SMITH fallen zu lassen.” Swiss continued to taunt STEVE SMITH as he was beginning to be surrounded by a group of Incels.
“What I like about painting, is there is nothing but calm, happy freedom. I am going to take a fan brush here and put a few flames on that Arab guy over here. It feels right in the moment.” Sugarfree said quietly. “There’s nobody, there’s nothing to tell me what I need to do, or how I need see it. Its just me impressing myself.”
“Very….expressive.” I said.
“On one of my bad days, I might add a burning cross, but is so lovely. Happy little people beating up on darkies and foreigners. Look at how happy they are? All ganging up on STEVE thinking they have a chance against a Sasquatch.”
The Incels had finally swarmed around STEVE SMITH.
“STEVE SMITH NOT LIKE CROWDS”
The seven foot Sasquatch picked up a skinny teenager and began using him as a club. Beating his way through the crowd of Incels. The hollow sound of bony bodies smashing against the enormous polished turd echoed across the park.
“All done. Let me just sign this here…” Sugarfree said.
“Süßer Sieg” Sugarfree, 2021
“Did Swiss just orchestrate a riot to sabotage STEVE SMITH to beat him at Masskrugstemmen?” Sugarfree asked?
“Süßer, süßer Sieg!” Was the last thing I heard Swiss say, as he raised his arms in a V for VICTORY.
Fucking. Awesome.
Sploosh.
/Pam Poovey
(More than a passing resemblance)
+schwing !
Bonus points if you have the tattoo on your back.
You will have to meet me in person to know..
Clean up in aisle 4.
That was…brilliant. I feel as if I had been there.
Excuse me while I go lie down until the feeling passes.
“It does looks like a Tool concert.”
Zing!
Of all the people to call a MAGA bitch, Mexi would not be high on my list.
Sitting in a virtual ‘substance abuse’ class with the teen. The dudes running it are ridiculous and half the kids got their weed from the parents.
Point out to the kid how ashamed he should be for getting caught by people like that.
Obligatory
You ever suck dick for marijuana ?
De rigueur: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzIJNG5__8s
Jim Breuer, showbiz anti-mandate ally.
Why is the teen in the class?
Yeah, was wondering if it was group or individual curriculum. What comments have you made so far, if any?
Teen busted at school with thc vape…make parents and teen sit through what was basically a D.A.R.E presentation from the 90s
Oh Lord.
I do think I remember your mentioning the latter
So, nobody’s going to mention the Pumpkin Spice Yeti?
I certainly hope not.
SPICE SMITH?
Tune in next week, or don’t. Its up to you, really.
Ausgezeichnet.
You know who else worshipped all things German?
Depeche Mode?
Rammstein?
Frederick Barbarossa?
Marge Schott ?
Dr. Franken Furter?
Speaking of the good doctor…
Barry Bostwick to Host 45th The Rocky Horror Picture Show
David Hasselhoff?
Bravo!
Thank you
Fun!
https://www.breitbart.com/europe/2021/09/18/watch-hundreds-arrested-as-anti-lockdown-protesters-break-police-lines-trample-officers/
Wow.
Oh, fuck off.
something reap something sow
Maybe when protestors protest the active suppression of their freedoms by authoritarians and their police muscle, the protest involves having a fight with the police?
I mean, at some point, protesting gets you “yes, thank you, we’ll consider your opinion fully when we make our next decision” from the authoritarians, but the consideration is “well, of course, that opinion is crazy and we’re not going to take it seriously.”
At some point the authoritarians will have to concede that “covid zero” was always a lunatic fantasy and apologize for the last eighteen months of tyranny.
LOL I slay me.
There’s never been an end goal.
Own goals, OTOH…
It’s a tried and true method that they know will work, see also: zero fatalities on highways, drug-free schools, etc.
Local community moms eat that shit up and they will with COVID once the dust settles
What… you mean when fighting a police state, you may have to fight police?
Obligatory: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJpQJWpVJds
Melbourne is in Europe now?
There was a LibDem Victorian MP on Tom Woods’s podcast the other day.
We would be deep into a civil war at that point. The Aussies have a choice to make.
https://mobile.twitter.com/BillFOXLA
This guy is covering the border crisis in TX. Insane.
It is insane. It’s a completely open border.
Forget hipster juice, it’s rapesquatch juice!
This story is a little bit crazy:
Wut?
So, this guy is innocent until proven guilty, but people seem to get dead or disappeared around him. But, I mean it could have been aliens.
They both sound(ed?) volatile.
I’m in the Shoe to watch The Ohio State football game. Should be a better result than last week.
I dont know who does the schedule, but they have Akron next week.
Really?
That’s pretty standard – a couple cupcakes in the first 3 weeks. Easier to get decent seats for these games. We’re in B deck, shaded from the sun.
At least OSU plays FBS schools, not FCS.
When the B1G rescinded that rule, I was very disappointed.
Also: sooper spredder event!
I thought last week’s result was optimal.
A few months ago, Jugsy (who isnt allowed into a WalMart alone for reasons) was with her family. They…let her into WalMart unsupervised. Those vultures that accost you to change your utilities pinned her down to switch us from AT&T to spRECTUM. Which she agreed to. Not only did they fail to port our home number (AT&T blamed them; they blamed AT&T. I had to update everyone with out “new number), but its seems this shitty cost-saving package doesnt include FS1. Which the game is on.
Luckily its bedtime for me soon.
I’ve encountered at least one of those at WMT. “Family plan, sorry. Not up to me!”
Soary, bro.
If only you and Festus could visit the return desk together.
Me? “No.” as I walk by.
We have
Time Warner CableRectum for cable and AT&T for phone. It has been that way since years before he and I met (all the utilities are in my name because he moved here to marry me) and I am not willing to change. He does the bills and takes care of deals and whatnot, manipulating the accounts in a very talented way, but a wholesale change like that? No.Sorry about kitty, luv. I know the feeling.
I’m sitting at the bar giggling like a fool.
That’s a normal situation for you, no?
Fair point.
To Evan,
I linked this in the dead thread but here it is again if you missed it. Article links to a few old studies on masks
https://www.city-journal.org/do-masks-work-a-review-of-the-evidence?wallit_nosession=1
Armed man stopped by the Capital police at the J6 protest – and it’s a cop. The whole thing was too obviously a trap to lure out evil conservatives.
https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/09/breaking-armed-person-arrested-j6-rally-undercover-agent-pulls-badge-video/
Fox News reported the arrest with gun, but not the badge or lack of disarming or handcuffs. Voice of the establishment.
Here’s another typical example – same missing details and continues the lie that January 6 “let to five deaths”. Apparently the NYP is continuing to outsource the news page to CNN or something.
https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2021/sep/18/capitol-police-deputize-outside-law-enforcement-sp/
Why would they need to deputize other law enforcement instead of keeping them on their own agencies’ authority? And why would the number be an actual security reason rather than a convenient excuse for ducking questions?
Best comment on the “protest”:
I hope the dozens of attendees from today’s Justice for J6 rally make it safely back to their desks at the FBI.
Come on do a terrorism.
The FDA blinked on the booster shots and revealed that they have really nasty side effects. But the booster shot is just the original shot again…
Somebody is looking to avoid blame as this goes bad.
No Sam Adams at the store and hasn’t for weeks, despite their worthless beer locator.
Semirural grocery store was nearly 50% unmasked customers. Not as many people shopping this week as usual so that might have something to do with suddenly larger percentages.
Last time i was in the liquor store, there were stacks of their Autumn Variety packs.
The 28 packs of V8 have vanished, you can still by the plastic jugs and six packs of those little cans but the 12 oz. (okay 11.2 or something) packs are gone. They are usually <14$ at Sam's Club. I saw one on Amazon for 32$. It's not as bad as when the Claussen's Hearty Garlic Sandwich Slices were being hoarded but I do like an ice cold V8.
The Inspiration4 documentary is utter pigshit. Over the top relentless excessive music and terrible camera work. Basically the same problem as most modern filmmaking. What happened?
An entire generation of producers and editors who grew up watching music videos?
MTV died before these children were born.
So they have no excuse?
Not enough Kevin Smith and Tarantino in their film diet. Clearly deprived.
Buck Fiden indeed! Well done!
A little difficult to read in a noisy sports bar while ignoring my wife and son, but thoroughly enjoyable none the less.
I oop. Stupid phone.
What happened? My photography professor retired. Dammit.