The Hat and The Hair: Episode 187

by | Oct 20, 2021 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 236 comments

 

“Subpeona me, motherfuckers!” the hat drunkenly yelled at the television. “You want contempt? YOU WANT CONTEMPT? I’LL FUCKING GIVE YOU CONTEMPT!”

The hair spurred his iguana to walk over the hat.

“That’s an invasive species,” the hat said for the hundredth time, eyeing the iguana. “How dare you.”

“You need to calm your tits, Marsha,” the hair said. He pulled on the iguana’s reins to get it to stop gnawing on the hat.

“You don’t love Florida like I do,” the hat said. “This wonderful state opened its arms to us, dammit!”

“Christ,” the hair said.

“Oranges! All the oranges I want!” the hat said. He inch-wormed across the coffee table, teetered at the edge, fell, farted out a button and zipper, and began snoring.

“Can’t you do something about this?” the hair asked Donald.

“Silence!” Donald said. “I am writing.”

The hair rode the iguana up a dying ficus and dropped down to the desk. “I’ll proofread it for you,” he offered Donald.

“SEND!” Donald yelled, jabbing at the button.

 

“There’s nothing about Steve in this,” the hair said.

“Steve,” the hat said weakly.

“Steve can take of himself,” Donald said. “He wants to be held in contempt.”

“But they are going to put him in jail!” the hair said.

“Jail!” Donald said. “Ha! It would be the biggest mistake those fools could possibly make.”

“Steve,” the hat said again.

“Steve in jail?” Donald said. “Three square meals a day? An exercise yard? The man would become unstoppable! Unstoppable!”

The hair sighed and rolled over on its back.

“And you are missing the fundraising possibilities,” the hat said.

“I thought you were passed out,” the hair said.

“I am stonk like bull,” the hat said in a terrible Russian accent. “Send lizard for me. I wish to desk now.”

The hair raised a clump of himself and rustled. The iguana began to climb down from his ficusal lair.

“Fundraising, yes,” Donald rubbed his hands together like a cartoon villain. “And even more money if he is jailed. The Free Steve Project!”

“Free Steve! Free Steve!” the hat chanted.

“It will piss off quite a few people,” the hat admitted.

“And Sleepy Joe might have a stroke on TV!” Donald squealed. He began to herk and jerk, sticking out his tongue and shaking all over. He had this fantasy two or three times a week of Joe stroking out and had really refined his St. Vitus Dance.

“Murmph!” came a sound from the floor and Donald stopped miming a stroke.

“Did you say something?” he asked his hair.

“Not me,” his hair replied.

“GAH!” the hat screamed.

Donald and his hair looked over the side of his desk. The iguana was on the hat, moving.

“It’s having sex with my face!” the hat screamed. “It’s having SEX with MY FACE!”

Donald and his hair laughed at the hat’s antics and then froze as the closing credits began to roll.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

236 Comments

  1. slumbrew

    Bravo! Author! Author!

    (though I believe “The hat spurred ” should be the hair).

    I was going to ask if that Trump missive is real but of course it has to be.

    • Fourscore

      Is Trump speaking to the American people or for the American people.? Could be either

      Thanks SF, Wednesdays, like the others, are always good.

      • db

        God, George Lucas is an idiot.

  2. Sean

    Awesome.

  3. Not Adahn

    The hat spurred his iguana to walk over the hat.

    • Bobarian LMD

      “It will piss off quite a few people,” the hat admitted.

      I think this was supposed to be the Hair’s line as well.

      Is SF stroking out? Doing the St. Vitus Dance?

      • SugarFree

        Fuck. I just cannot catch those in proof.

  4. Not Adahn

    “Silence!” Donald said. “I am writing.”

  5. Lackadaisical

    Can’t even tell if the screenshot is real or by the author.

    Bravo.

  6. CPRM

    Donald and his hair laughed at the hat’s antics and then froze as the closing credits began to roll.

    I’ve NEVER ended on freeze frame! Blasphemy!

    • Bobarian LMD

      This is from the sitcom, not your documentary.

  7. Not Adahn

    ficusal

    This is why I love English so much.

    • Fourscore

      Yeah boy, that’s gonna be a tough one to get into a conversation here in Podunkville.

  8. Not Adahn

    “Free Steve! Free Steve!” the hat chanted.

    “It will piss off quite a few people,” the hat admitted.

    I’m beginning to think the The Hat and The Hair are the same person.

    • CPRM

      Little by little Trump is realizing he is Tyler Durden?

      • Bobarian LMD

        I think he’s more Robert “Bob” Paulson. The Hat is Tyler Durden and the Hair is The Narrator.

  9. LCDR_Fish

    Missed the paint discussion this morning – sorry to go OT – but any suggestions for an outdoor paint? I have some (AFAIK) untreated gardening stakes that I want to use to extend some trellises – due to height of my deck. I was thinking they should probably be painted/treated before I bury them halfway into the ground to extend their lifespan. The trellises I’m looking at are white – but color isn’t a big deal. I’d probably prefer to just give them a quick coat of spray paint if there’s a particular mixture I should look for (I’ll be prepping in the garage over the winter and then setting them up in the spring).

    Thanks.

  10. EvilSheldon

    The common Green Iguana has, on average, the largest testes size/body weight ratio of any vertebrate animal.

    Aren’t you glad you read this post?

    • CPRM

      I think the smallest is the Walrus…John Lennon…Yoko Ono…It all makes sense now!

  11. Ozymandias

    Is that image real? Really real??
    I don’t want to check for myself – it would violate my religious prohibition of never entering Donald Trump’s name in my search engine.

    • kinnath

      https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-jjm3weqwyy897

      The fake, highly partisan Unselect Committee continues to rock and roll. They were unable to make a deal with Kevin McCarthy to put real Republicans on the Committee, so they got stuck with low-polling warmonger Liz Cheney and Cryin’ Adam Kinzinger who have no idea what our Party stands for. Cheney is polling in the low 20’s in Wyoming, the State she doesn’t represent. This is just a continuation of the Witch Hunt which started with the now fully debunked and discredited Russia, Russia, Russia Scam, quickly reverting to a perfect phone call with Ukraine, Ukraine, Ukraine, Impeachment Hoax #1, Impeachment Hoax #2, and now this. The Unselect Committee is composed of absolute political hacks who want to destroy the Republican Party and are decimating America itself. I am the only thing in their way. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

      yup, it’s real.

      • Rebel Scum

        who want to destroy the Republican Party

        He’s not wrong.

        “You also just made some news by saying that you are going to run for reelection,” Collins said to Biden.

        “I said that is my expectation,” said Biden.

        A few moments later, Collins asked Biden: “And do you believe you will be running against former President Trump?”

        “Oh, come on. I don’t even think about it. I don’t—I have no idea,” said Biden.

        “I have no idea whether there will be a Republican Party. Do you?” he said.

        “I know you don’t have to answer my questions,” said Biden. “But, I mean, do you? I mean, look, this is, the way I view things, I’ve become a great respecter of fate in my life. I set a goal, that’s in front of me, to get things done for the people I care most about. Which are hard-working, decent American people, who are getting it really stuck to them. I want to change the paradigm. I want to change the paradigm. We start to reward work, not just wealth. I want to change the paradigm.”

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        I have been hearing for a least a dozen years that the R’s were, as a party, going to die. And that is the rankest idocy. Look, (not you RS) half of the country is more conservative than the other half. And while that is a truism, it lets you know that a solely liberal party cannot run the nation, that there is always going to be room for a conservative branch of politics. While we know that the GOPe is a bunch of do-nothings, they are being quite noticeable kicked to the curb, a la Liz Cheney. At the same time, the D’s are gonna strengthen this as they kick Kitzinger to that same place.

  12. Tundra

    He had this fantasy two or three times a week of Joe stroking out and had really refined his St. Vitus Dance.

    He’s not alone.

  13. LCDR_Fish

    Also missed the BHR fire discussion this morning.

    I’ll see if I can look up the full report. Surprised to see it called out – unless this ship is different – but in virtually every single maintenance availability I’ve been in (pierside or drydock), ALL of the onboard firefighting gear is “tagged out” (disabled) so that equipment/pipes/valves/etc can be overhauled and the contractors/shipyard is responsible for running a [generally] less capable but supposedly equivalent temporary system into the ship. Firefighting during maintenance is insanely more complex than when fully operational due to the hoses/gear running through all the fire boundaries – supposed to all have regular quick release functions, but still a huge delay compared to normal operations/functionality.

    Often most of the firefighting equipment is also removed or moved around the ship so not all gear would necessarily be accessible – and we heard how they had to borrow gear from other ships nearby. If they were underway in the middle of the ocean, all by themselves, I have no doubt that the fire would have been identified/contained and put out in a few minutes.

    As far as training, I think a LOT Of training – esp for the new junior folks – was probably delayed due to COVID stuff. Our schoolhouse never shut down in VA, but a lot of others did. I think I did firefighting training once in Newport in OCS, and then at least 2x when I was in Seattle (at a commercial trainer) in 2010-2012. They did have firefighting training at my ship in HI when I was there in 2013 as well – on base – but I think my qualifications were still good.

    • creech

      Reading about the USS Bonhomme Richard fire and wondering “how many freaking Rear Admirals does they Navy have?” I’ll bet there’s a Rear Admiral in charge of Rear Admirals. (no homo).

      • juris imprudent

        Would you be surprised to learn that Rear Admiral is actually subdivided in two (covering 1 and 2 star) and there are “lower half” Rear Admirals (1 star)? I am not making this up.

      • db

        So, like Bottom and Top Rear Admirals?

      • Plisade

        I’d heard that there were Just-the-Tip Sergeants, but that turned out to be a lie.

      • Rat on a train

        There are Master Sergeants but no Slave Sergeants.

      • Plisade

        Likewise, there are Top Sergeants, but no Bottom Sergeants. Fortunately for the Tops, there are the Rear Admirals.

      • Swiss Servator

        “There are Master Sergeants but no Slave Sergeants.”

        So, you never were an E-5?

      • Rat on a train

        So, you never were an E-5?
        Great rank along with E-6. Junior NCOs are out of the junior enlisted hell but don’t have to deal with as much officer crap as more senior NCOs.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Master Sergeants like to abuse their Privates.

      • creech

        Two kinds of rear admirals? I’m still trying to understand that a Navy Captain is equal to a Colonel in the other forces.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Gotta have a Rear Admiral (upper half) on top of the Read Admirals (lower half),

      • Rat on a train

        Hmm, an upper on top of a lower with vice watching?

      • Rat on a train

        The USPHS now has a Trans Admiral.

      • juris imprudent

        Pubic Health Service?

  14. Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

    Is it “FIE-cuss-uhl” or “fie-CUSS-uhl”?

    • CPRM

      I believe it is ‘Fie-Cues-Ahl’

      • db

        You’re one of those people who says “kyu-pon,” aren’t you?

      • CPRM

        It’s pronounced ‘Idiot Lure’

      • Ted S.

        Coupons are for the things you were going to buy anyway.

      • Not Adahn

        mamma say mama saw mamma fie-cues-ah?

  15. creech

    I’ve always wondered what Melania is up to during these episodes?

    • CPRM

      That’s where rule 32, or 34 or 56 or something comes in.

      • rhywun

        Rule 36-26-36

    • SugarFree

      She’s had her giant son to feed.

      • EvilSheldon

        Now I can’t get the image of Donald devouring Baron, Goya-style, out of my head…

      • SugarFree

        I assume Barron is still being breastfed due to his “sensory processing issues.”

        So Barron is milk-fed, like some enormous veal calf, soft and pale and mild.

      • l0b0t

        OMG!!!?!!! And he’s wearing a flight jacket – NAZI skinhead confirmed!

      • Hyperion

        Well, he’s 15, So it’s normal to be a beanpole. It’s the really lean lean years.

      • EvilSheldon

        I need to start hanging out on more wholesome websites…

      • Hyperion

        Look, this site is family friendly verified!

    • creech

      The Donald needs to remember what Eva got up to when Adolph didn’t pay her enough attention.

  16. db

    Lizards…

    Florida…

    St. Vitus Dance…

    I’m liking where this is going. I’m thinking Hat and Hair reboot of Miami Vice.

    • SugarFree

      Donald could never live on a houseboat. Not classy enough.

      • db

        But a sailing yacht! That’s classy. Especially with a lizard gatekeeper.

    • EvilSheldon

      Ehhh. It didn’t really work for Archer

  17. db

    Something I’ve been thinking about for a while: The history of writing and printing goes back a long way, but the first known printing press was in China in the 800s, mass publication started in the 1100s in China, and really took off in Europe in the 1400s. So, let’s consider that mass printed media has been around for about 500 years, give or take, with a “technological childhood” of about six hundred years preceding it.

    Audio and video recording started off practically simultaneously, in historical terms, about a hundred and thirty years ago. So, we might consider that they aren’t truly mature forms just yet. We might consider their “technological childhood” to extend from, say, 1880 through 1930, a stretch of fifty years. Taking the same ratios of childhood to maturity, one would expect audio and film to have achieved maturity within about fifty years, or about 1980 or so. This seems a bit late, perhaps.

    Would you agree that audio and video have achieved full maturity as communications media? I don’t consider distribution of audio and video via the internet to be a fully new medium, just a new format.

    If you do think they’re fully mature, do you think a truly new medium will be invented soon to take their place, such as “sensies?”

    If not, how much further do they have to go to reach complete maturity?

    The “internet,” as a whole, encompassing new formats of audio and video delivery, as well as text, and as a platform for commerce, is probably rightly considered an immature technology. Do you agree, and will it “mature” in the sense of achieving a sort of emotional maturity in that it will stop disrupting society any time soon? Will human civilization survive the internet largely intact, once the wave of novelty passes over, or will it fundamentally change, for better or worse, the world we and our descendants inhabit?

    • Lackadaisical

      mass publication started in the 1100s in China

      What were they mass producing? Printing in Europe gets credit/blame for all sorts of societal changes, why didn’t the same changes occur in China? Or did they and I’m just not informed?

      • db

        According to things I’ve read, the first mass produced works with movable type in China were works on methods of agriculture.

      • db

        And, like many things that China invented “first,” they seem not to have understood, experimented with, or allowed its true potential. It took outsiders to apply the lessons and make something really useful out of it.

    • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

      Would you agree that audio and video have achieved full maturity as communications media?

      do you think a truly new medium will be invented soon to take their place, such as “sensies?”

      Yes, plus fully-immersive 3D on a mass scale. Like, where 3D becomes standard on Youtube, stuff like that.

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        (No the question 1, Yes to question 2, is what I meant to write)

      • db

        Fully immersive, like, direct-to-your-nervous-system, or still using the eyes as an intermediary?

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        Still with eyes, but better than the systems available now with their unwieldy viewers. Also, better quality of picture.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I think Dennis Miller said it best. “When you can sit in your recliner and fuck Claudia Shiffer while drinking a beer, you’re gonna make crack look like Sanka!”

      • Lackadaisical

        I took the immersive 3-D as an extension of video/audio, but that there will also be something else that will be invented soon?

        After thinking about it for a bit, both seem likely, under certain definitions of ‘soon’.

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        I remember doing a “ride” at Epcot in the 80’s that would fly you through various landscapes in 360 (not 3D), and they would blow various air temperatures and scents at you as you traveled through. For example, I remember some kind of orchard with warm air and a slight citrus smell. It was really cool. Maybe there’s a way to bring that to mass market?

      • l0b0t

        The Norway pavilion is the coldest part of the Disney complex because the ride takes you through the North Sea and blows cold air and frost at you. Best ride ever on a summer visit.

      • Not Adahn

        The Hogwarts ride at Harry Potterland is a rollercoaster simulator. The cart will tip forward like it’s going over a hill, but the prejection on the screen will pan even further and fans will kick in to make it feel like you’re moving faster than you are.

      • EvilSheldon

        I have a couple of those scent projectors – they’re pretty common in museums and exhibit spaces.

        Sadly, they’re limited to a fairly small number of preset scents.

  18. Rebel Scum

    “SEND!” Donald yelled, jabbing at the button.

    This is how you get covfefe.

    • db

      This is too good not to be real.

  19. Tres Cool

    I dont know if ‘ficusal’ is a word, but I aim to use it at least once before the week is over.

  20. Drake

    Just filled up my car – Holy shit Joe Biden! Gas is up 20 cents a gallon since my last tank.

    • Rebel Scum

      You are going to have to “lower your expectations”, comrade.

    • Lackadaisical

      Yup, up ~50% in a year.

    • Animal

      Yeah, but is your treadmill delivery delayed? Lower your expectations.

    • DrOtto

      Yeah, nearly $75 to fill the Tahoe yesterday. A year ago, that same fill up was about $45. I wonder what it would be like if we had inflation, which I’ve been assured by our betters we don’t have.

      • Tundra

        Over $100 for me. Fucking $3.69/gallon.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      It’s over $5/gallon for me since I need high octane in my car. Luckily I don’t drive much.

  21. The coolest vaccine-free BEAM in the world™

    Statistics Canada just published a new report that doesn’t follow the COVID-19 narrative. I detect the possibility of a funding cut in StatsCan’s near future.

    Most interesting observation for me: for the year 2020, the number one ID’ed co-morbidity was Alzheimer’s, not obesity.

    • EvilSheldon

      Alzheimer’s, huh? So basically, being old?

      • Tundra

        Well, I’ve heard Alzheimer’s referred to as “Type III Diabetes”, so again it’s severe metabolic disfunction that’s fucking people up.

        And being old.

      • Pine_Tree

        Well not just that.

        Also related to the “how likely is that old person to be in a nursing or assisted-living facility?”

      • The coolest vaccine-free BEAM in the world™

        Yep. Approximately 80% of COVID-19 deaths in Canada during 2020 were amongst adults 65 years of age or older; and unsurprisingly, more than 80% of deaths occurred in long-term care facilities.

        I should note: the actual report says “dementia, including Alzheimer’s,” to be more precise.

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        So if Brandon gets the ‘Vid, he’s fucked, basically.

  22. Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

    I mauled a bunch of wood on my lunch break.

    Don’t try to out-euphemism me.

    • Swiss Servator

      …I, Uh, …yeah.

      *walks away slowly shaking head*

    • The coolest vaccine-free BEAM in the world™

      Your commitment to the emotional well-being of men everywhere is outstanding.

    • Tundra

      I’m stoked.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Doing the St Vitus dance?

    • db

      Did you need two hands on the handle?

    • DrOtto

      Was it Mexican bootleg wood?

    • Gustave Lytton

      We will never judge your nooners.

  23. Rebel Scum

    Aadmiral of what? The trans navy?

    “Admiral Rachel Levine, who serves as the HHS Assistant Secretary for Health and head of the U.S. Public Health Service (USPHS) Commissioned Corps, was ceremonially sworn in as a four-star admiral,” HHS said in a Tuesday statement, identifying the official as its “first-ever female four-star admiral.”

    “Admiral Levine will lead 6,000 Public Health Service officers who are dedicated to serving our nation’s most underserved and vulnerable populations,” the announcement continued, deeming it “historic.”

    And soon to be “woman” of the year…

    • Hyperion

      Much woke, many brave.

    • Plisade

      “underserved and vulnerable”

      Hmmm… Wikipedia Cliff’s Notes: born to 2 lawyer parent in Massachusetts. Graduated Harvard and Tulane. Worked at Mount Sinai Hospital and Penn State, then served as Pennsylvania’s Surgeon General and Secretary of Health. She transitioned while working at Penn State in 2011.

      Yep, totally underserved and vulnerable.

      • creech

        Even Sandusky wasn’t interested?

      • Plisade

        Definitely not after it transitioned.

      • cyto

        They left off “and ordered covid positive patients who no longer require hospitalization to be returned to nursing homes….

        Also… Nonagenarian mother was moved out of nursing home as this order was issued.

    • Animal

      What an enormous, malodorous, steaming pile of horse shit.

    • Hyperion

      Everyone, Russia, China, Zimbabwe, are collectively laughing their asses off at us.

    • Ed Wuncler

      What’s terrible is that they aren’t basing these promotions on ability, they are basing it on appearing as being woke. I guess it’s like that for both parties but what’s so dangerous is that these people wield a lot of power and want to radically transfer society.

      • Hyperion

        Merit and ability are white supremacy.

      • Ed Wuncler

        Transfer should be transform

      • Bobarian LMD

        You mean Transexualize.

      • Rat on a train

        It’s not a promotion. It is a direct commission. Nobody should ever be directly commissioned a flag officer.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Skinsuiting complete. Next up, madam 4 star gets a medal of honor for Valor in the face of anti-tranny terrorism.

    • LCDR_Fish

      Not directly associated with the military at all – like NOAA. We had a “Captain” from them on my last Medcom contract.

      4 stars for NPHS is insanely stupid though.

      • LCDR_Fish

        Now that I think about it, I think Surgeon General is technically the head – or top of the chain for NPHS, so not sure why they’re messing things up like this.

      • Rat on a train

        The Surgeon General is the head and a Vice Admiral. I can see the assistant secretary of health that overseas the USPHS being an officer if promoted from the USPHS otherwise it should be a civilian, which it has been at times.

    • creech

      We need to get more fancy uniforms, medals, ribbons, sashes, and gold braid for all the czars, bureaucrats, meter readers, and postmen who demand to be recognized as the exceptionally talented and brave individuals that they are. Brandon should appoint DOCTOR Biden to head a fashion commission tasked with devising proper attire for those who rule over us.

      • db

        We might as well grant the rank “Colonel” to all these goldbrickers; we’re practically a banana republic now anyway.

      • Rat on a train

        Let’s stop pretending and just start selling commissions for campaign donations.

      • Not Adahn

        It is well known that a well-dressed government governs best. Which is why fashionistic governments work so effectively.

      • Rebel Scum

        The Nazis did have style. And they could probably fix Amtrak.

    • Drake

      My wife now knows what I mean when I mutter “Clown World”. Happens a lot these days.

    • cyto

      We have military folks around here….. Do any of you know if there has ever been A civilian brought in immediately as a 4 star general? I have zero knowledge of this, but just my general background impression of the military and respect for rank says that there’s no such thing as bringing in a civilian as a general to begin with, let alone immediately popping four stars on the eppaulette.

      Isn’t four stars a rare thing?

      I get that Biden has been purging the military, but shouldn’t this have the entire chain of command at the pentagon up in arms?

      • Animal

        It should, but it won’t.

        This is America’s “Caligula making his horse a Senator” moment.

      • juris imprudent

        I have more respect for Caligula’s horse quite frankly.

      • Surly Knott

        To be fair, the horse was much better looking.
        Also capable of performing genuinely useful functions.

    • Plisade

      Sifting through all the personal pronoun instruction manuals published by the universities, it appears that Our Benevolent Master isn’t a pronoun. Dammit.

    • juris imprudent

      Ah, let me just sweep up that pile of narcotics between my heels.

  24. Not Adahn

    I’m learning a lot about my company by reading the prospectus.

    The UAE government owns 100% of MICPSJC. MICPSJC owns 100% of MDGHPJSC. MDGHPJSC owns 100% of MTI. All of these are incorporated in Abu Dhabi. Now it gets a little complicated.

    MTI owns 100% of MTIOI, 100% of MTIC (Cayman Islands), and 99.33% of MTIIC. That last 0.67% of MTIIC? Owned by MTIOI. Seriously. The chart forms a loop.

    GFS (the company I work for — Cayman Islands) is 2/3 owned by MTIC and 1/3 by a combination of MTIIC and the shareholders expected to exist after Oct 27.

    So yea, the Emirati royal family will own 89.4% of GFS, via a chain of six other corporate entities.

    • Hyperion

      Do y’all get a harem? If so, where do I send my resume?

      • UnCivilServant

        They are hiring Eunuchs.

      • slumbrew

        I was hoping for that link. That was posted in my cube for many years.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Japanese keiretsu laugh at the straightforward ownership.

  25. Hyperion

    Did y’all know there are hippos in Columbia? Not only that, they are on cocaine! The horror!

    Cocaine Hippos, Oh My!

    • Rebel Scum

      “And then we will turn to the, ‘what does the government have to do once the employee makes that shown.’ And here, basically there is a compelling interest, obviously, in keeping our workforce and the public with which we interact safe from COVID.”

      Bs justification is bs.

    • rhywun

      I am shocked.

      It is another reason I don’t intend to waste my time on a religious objection.

      And since “because I refuse to be a test subject” isn’t going to cut it either, I will lose my job if my company decides they don’t want me.

  26. Sean

    https://nj1015.com/if-reelected-could-murphy-impose-further-covid-restrictions/

    Murphy told NJ Advance Media the only thing stopping him from requiring vaccine passports to eat inside a restaurant and attend entertainment events was a relatively low vaccination rate in black and brown communities. “I don’t want to inadvertently put something in place that’s discriminatory,” Murphy said.

    Meeting with the USA TODAY editorial board, Murphy also confessed he believes the COVID crisis is never going away. “I think this is going to be with us for the rest of our lives,” Murphy said.l

    And there it is, folks.

    • Animal

      Well. Maybe for the rest of his life.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      It probably is going to be with us for the rest of our lives, which is why people need to get over their fear and get on with life.

    • rhywun

      “I don’t want to inadvertently put something in place that’s discriminatory,”

      Never minding that it’s not “discriminatory”… but that didn’t stop Deblasio.

      But it sure is amusing watching leftists wrestle with two of their most cherished fundamentals (“everything is racist” and “grab as much power as possible”) when they are at direct odds to each other.

    • Hyperion

      I doubt the guy is still alive. I mean unless he’s a really experienced survivalist. Most people would not make it in a wilderness like that for long, definitely not a month. But what if he fled the country? Unless he had a lot of cash on him, I think his survival is unlikely to be a long term thing even if he made it out of the county and managed to hide out.

      • R.J.

        My bet is he killed himself, somewhere remote. May not be found for a while.

      • Hyperion

        There’s definitely a good chance of that too.

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        This is what I’ve been thinking.

      • Hyperion

        He didn’t have much to live for. Life in prison. Killing your GF and driving home is not a brilliant idea.

      • Drake

        That guy who bombed abortion clinics survived a few year in the Smoky Mountains. (A place I’d much prefer over a Florida swamp)

      • Hyperion

        Well, less gators, so there’s that.

      • Not Adahn

        There seems to be a direct correlation between “more food” and “miserable, predator/parasite infested place”

      • EvilSheldon

        Eric Rudolph, I think?

        Difference being that a.) Eric was an experienced hunter and outdoorsman, and 2.) Eric had people helping him on the DL.

      • l0b0t

        It’s North Port, not the Everglades. It’s all pine trees and palmetto scrub, with plenty of fresh water via a series of warm mineral springs, and lots of edible critters from turtles to quail. Rattlesnakes, coral snakes, water moccasins, and alligators are the only deadly fauna.

      • l0b0t

        Fun Fact: When I was in high school, the North Port Police Department was the go-to connection for marijuana.

    • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

      Wait wait – his parents found the items? Yeah, they’re hiding him.

    • Hyperion

      I believe it is a well established fact at this point.

      • Hyperion

        Newfoundland you know. They turned into the Newfies.

      • Plisade

        Eh, nobody norse for sure.

    • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

      IIRC they have only found evidence at L’Anse aux Meadows. Is this in a different location?

      • Hyperion

        It’s that place in Newfoundland. There are pics of the longhouses on the intertoobz.

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        Well, what a dumb article, then. It would have been something if they found evidence in other locations, which I don’t think has happened.

      • rhywun

        The article mentions a more exact date than was known before.

      • Hyperion

        It’s like that that article that keeps popping up around every 2 years or so with the pictures of the newly discovered tribe in Brazil who have never been contacted before. Last time, they didn’t pay enough attention to the pictures, because a simple zoom in showed the satellite TV dish and the iPads and designer hand bags the uncontacted savages were carrying.

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        that place in Newfoundland

        Aka L’Anse aux Meadows 😉

      • Hyperion

        Well. They are probably bringing this up now because in order for us to get rid of that white supremacist Columbus, we’re going to have to rewrite a little history and make the Norse woke, so they can be the true discoverers of America. I’m sure that Marvel can make the Vikings woke, let’s get them on it .

      • Hyperion

        “Allegedly, photographs were taken at the party showing people engaging in sexual intercourse.”

        Oh muh gawds!

        Man when I clicked that link I really wanted it to be an animated clip of Vikings attacking and plundering the Love Boat, you know that show in the 70s…

  27. cyto

    On the HnH story…

    Fact check…. False.

    Iguanas are way bigger than that when sexually mature.

    Reference: see my anecdote this morning. Fully grown they are like 5 feet long.

    • Hyperion

      Damn, look there’s a Komodo Dragon, run!

      • cyto

        They are more interesting looking than a komodo…. But not really anything approaching attractive. They are pretty cool as juveniles, but the adults are prehistoric and kinda hideous. And they poop like a small dog.

        We need another cold snap this year… They are getting out of control again.

        Fun fact…. When it drops near freezing, it rains iguanas down here.

      • Hyperion

        “They are getting out of control again.”

        Well, I mean, who does not enjoy some delicious tree chicken?

      • Animal

        I hear they taste like chicken.

      • Not Adahn

        Yeah, but those were Mexican iguanas, not Floridian.

    • slumbrew

      My college roommate had a pet iguana.

      Pro tip: they are terrible pets

      • EvilSheldon

        My brother and I kept a pet iguana for about ten years. They’re definitely not cuddly, but they can be socalized reasonably well. They don’t really do much other than eat, poop, and bask in the sun, so if you’re looking for something to play Frisbee with, an iguana is not for you.

      • slumbrew

        So much poop.

      • EvilSheldon

        General Norabunga didn’t poop any more than you’d expect (from a 66″ lizard, anyway.)

      • Hyperion

        They probably don’t even shred up a roll of toilet paper up all over the house. Boring!

      • Rebel Scum

        Or claw at the furniture.

        *eyes the cat*

        Scratch pads everywhere and she still tears up the couch. At least it is in the back though.

      • Not Adahn

        They do, however, climb on top of their electric rocks before dying so the decomposition kicks in quickly and vigorously.

  28. Rebel Scum

    Transparency.

    Saule Omarova, President Joe Biden’s nominee to head the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC), is refusing to hand over to the Senate Banking Committee her university thesis on Marxism written during her time in the Soviet Union.

    Republican Sen. Pat Toomey, ranking member of the committee, had sent a letter to Omarova on Oct. 6 asking the Cornell Law School professor to hand over her Moscow State University thesis, titled “Karl Marx’s Economic Analysis and the Theory of Revolution in The Capital,” by Oct. 13, citing the committee’s need to “fully assess the fitness of individuals to serve in Senate-confirmed executive and independent agency positions.”

    Omarova, who grew up in the Soviet Union, had scrubbed mention of the thesis from her resume, the Washington Free Beacon reported. She also praised the now-defunct socialist government for its lack of “gender pay gap” in 2019.

    • Hyperion

      “her university thesis on Marxism”

      That’s why she got the job.

    • Hyperion

      “hey are terrible pets”

      I’ve heard the fame about Ferrets.

      Geez, peoples, get some normal pets like a 30 foot Anaconda. And I hear there are some cute and cuddly cocaine hippos for adoption.

      • Hyperion

        Not sure how this got down here, but I spose it’s staying since edit faeries have been AWOL for months.

      • Not Adahn

        Ferrets are awesome pets though.

    • Not Adahn

      Omarova

      I thought she was a Trump employee.

      • Hyperion

        That was Omarosa, but I realize all the Omas look alike to you.

      • Ted S.

        Lobster girl.

        Омар, pronounced “omar” with the stress on the second syllable and coming from the French “homard”, is the Russian word for “lobster”.

  29. grrizzly

    I got a rare condition after the Johnson & Johnson shot. I still think everyone needs to be vaccinated

    Strange pangs first struck after a mere 20-minute ride on the stationary bike at the gym. Then I couldn’t sleep through the night, with a fiery, tingly feeling under my skin; my midsection and fingertips grew numb. One morning I woke up slurring my words out the left side of my mouth, like Bill Murray in Caddyshack.

    Three visits to the emergency room and one spinal tap later, an astute doctor at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center scribbled the diagnosis on the whiteboard of my hospital room: Guillain-Barré Syndrome, a rare neurological disorder where the body attacks its own peripheral nervous system. I was in for several more days of anguish, while fresh antibodies injected intravenously tried to call off the friendly fire. And then months of rehab, taking baby steps with a walker, and otherwise spending long hours flat on my back.

    ….
    This isn’t easy for me to say. Even as I get around with a cane, I still recommend getting the vaccine.

    Moron.

    • Hyperion

      Look, some times you have to grub roots and take one for dear leaders and experts.

    • EvilSheldon

      I think you misspelled ‘asshole’.

    • Rebel Scum

      That’s some mighty fine logic-ing.

    • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

      Rather be using a cane than having some sniffles and a fever for a few days (I’m assuming this is a reasonably fit person, given the statement on riding a bike at the gym). What is wrong with people?

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        They’re TMITE drones. Maybe it’s my black pill talking, but there are a lot more drones out there than is comfortable to admit. This person, for example, didn’t reason their way to the conclusion. They emoted their way there.

        Covid = bad.
        Vaccine = good.
        Vaccine injury = very unlucky.
        Vaccine = still good.

        Nothing more than that.

    • wdalasio

      Meh. It doesn’t seem like he’s pushing a the mandate button. In fact, he says some things I genuinely agree with. For instance,

      Interviews and polls show that many Americans hesitating on the vaccines are worried about what’s in them, how they work, and possible side effects — not so much the conspiracy theories. Why not address the issue of possible adverse reactions more head-on? The seeming reluctance to say much about that could backfire. Justifiably worried about bad actors who will hijack the discussion, the public health establishment could end up making the genuinely hesitant wonder if they’re hiding something.

      That sounds about right. And the guy’s take is that, sure GBS sucks. But, that doesn’t change that it’s a rare outcome. He just happened to be the guy who drew the short straw. And it’s probably true that there are a lot of people for whom the marginal risk of COVID is greater than the marginal risk of the vaccine. And, yeah, they probably would be advised to get the vaccine.

      • grrizzly

        I consider him a moron because of his personal decision to get vaccinated. He is not even 60 years old.

  30. Nephilium

    Supply Chain issues aren’t real, and there is no inflation:

    Virtually every conversation I’ve recently had with both distillery colleagues and competitors, large and small, has revolved around the problems we’re all having with sourcing bottles, booking reliable freight shipments, finding corks and closures, the rising costs of corrugated boxes, Covid’s impact on labor costs and availability or dealing with broken equipment while waiting on parts that are being shipped from overseas.

    –From a quarterly report I just received from a distillery

  31. juris imprudent

    Gobsmacked. This is the professor dismissed from Yale for trying to talk to his resident students as adults when they were in the midst of temper tantrums more expected of 3 year-olds. He apparently is desperate to retain his status as a useful idiot.

    Sometimes Altruism Needs to Be Enforced

    • Hyperion

      Good grief, there’s that Atlantic article again. They’re competing with the Guardian to be the worst shitrag of all time. And there appears no end in site to how low they can sink.

      • R.J.

        That article started with endless paragraphs of verbal diarrhea. I did not get to the point before I left.

      • juris imprudent

        Yeah, I jumped to the end to post, dammit.

    • wdalasio

      Guys like that make me understand the emergence of the word “cuck”. He was the victim of “enforced altruism” and he still cheerleads for it.

      It fits my theory. The SJW mobs can smell one of these guys and they’re their favored targets. Because they know they’ll roll over. Bullies generally steer clear of someone who will fight back.

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, I think they backed off of Chapelle pretty quickly.

      • Ed Wuncler

        If this Dave Chappelle fiasco has taught us anything, you have to tell these people fuck off or else they’ll own your ass. It helps that Chappelle has fuck you money but when you think about it, these bullies superpower is projecting a false sense of power when in reality all you need to do is tell them to fuck off and continue doing what you think is right.

    • Ed Wuncler

      On a sidish note, I know someone who refers to themselves as an altruist and they are lazy and a compulsive liar. My rule of thumb is that anyone who claims that they don’t do anything out of self interest, chances are they are a shitty person.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        It’s like anybody who says they’re a “good person”. Are you trying to tell me or convince yourself?

      • Not Adahn

        Eh, some do it out of pathological guilt and self-loathing. They call themselves “Effective Altruists” and are really into distributing DEET-infused bed nets in Africa.

    • Rebel Scum

      Most people are happy to wear a mask in a hospital or on an airplane, for example, because they want to be seen as neighborly.

      I must be the least neighborly person then.

    • Plisade

      Summary: Cooperate for cooperation’s sake or else.

  32. Hyperion

    Manchin

    So, who thinks that Manchin’s private island will be bigger than the one Roberts got? They could be neighbors.

    • Rebel Scum

      Sen. Joe Manchin is reportedly considering leaving the Democratic Party and becoming an Independent if President Biden and his party colleagues don’t agree to cut the massive social spending bill to at least $1.75 trillion.

      Joe Manchin did not kill himself.

      • Hyperion

        As soon as the price tag is right, Joe will fold like a cheap Chinese lawn chair. That’s all he’s holding out for is a big enough pay day.

      • Ted S.

        Should be “to at most”, not “to at least”, anyway.

  33. Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

    Youngkin is absolutely hammering McAuliffe on education in his ads. I mean, over and over on repeat, mentioning the FBI and everything.

    I still think McAuliffe will “win”

    • Hyperion

      Do you? #MeToo. Once a places goes blue it’s blue forever because they will cheat. If cheating doesn’t work, they’ll cheat harder.