Miles beneath the surface of the Earth, THE DEEP STATE made their plans.
“We could kidnap Ivanka, shave her all over and feed her pork,” E14 suggested.
“No. We must tap his phone!’ A47 said. “What is he writing on his Blackberry? The world must know!”
“We already tap his phone. Trump Tweets and looks at pictures of a fried chicken,” B38 moaned. He needed to go to the bathroom very badly. He had spent time gossiping around eleven different water coolers that morning.
“He must have PORN!” G63 screamed from across the vast and dimly lit table. “Muslim porn? Spic porn? Some sort of porn?!?”
“Nothing we can find. We know the campaign flew in hookers during the election, but there’s no video, no audio, and all the girls have disappeared.” A3 said. He was the highest ranking member of THE DEEP STATE present and he struggled to control the others.
“PORN!” G63 screamed again from behind his mask. He pulled it away from his face and flapped it a bit to get some air moving. It was hot miles beneath the surface of the Earth and the HVAC system kept crapping out on them.
A figure in a disturbingly realistic Elizabeth Warren mask stood and shuffled paper into their microphone until the room was hushed.
“Hello, members of THE DEEP STATE,” the figure began, its voice high and pinched, the tone hectoring and unpleasant. “I want to talk to you about our common enemy.”
Murmurs went around the table and grew louder.
The Warren figure gestured and a picture of The Hat came up on a screen that hung over the center of the table.
“MAGA Prime,” the figure said, lips pursed and face pained like it had half a lemon in its ass.
The murmurs and unrest grew until A3 was forced to cry out, “Who are you? What is your designation?”
“What do you mean?” it said. “I have no designation.”
All the members assembled there, the many-tentacled arms of THE DEEP STATE screeched in hate and fear.
“HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?” A3 demanded, drowning out all the rest.
“Indian stealth, of course,” Elizabeth said, shocked that she should have to explain.
“Guards! Seize her!”
“Now just you wait a minute, buster…” she started.
“SILENCE!” A3 thundered. “Politicians like you come and go. We are THE DEEP STATE! We are forever!”
“Wait! We can work together,” she said as the guards dragged her away.
“NEVER!” they all said as one.
First!
Needz moar tentacles.
This did nothing to suppress my libido. I question whether this is genuinely authored by sugarfree. I suspect a ghost writer.
“We could kidnap Ivanka, shave her all over and feed her pork,” E14 suggested.
Yeah, consider my libido fully engaged!
Engorged
We call that “bacon-magic” around these parts.
Thanks!
The Deep State is a paranoid fantasy of libertarian wingnutz who just cannot come to terms with the selflessness and generosity of highly motivated career public servants.
THEY’RE HERE TO HELP.
STOP HELPING US!
Oh, I get it, miles under the earth = deep.
Mine may be a minority view, but I like this genitalia-free version of the SugarFree stories.
SF is just warming his way towards a career in children’s books.
Are they cook books?
+1 How to Serve Children
You are the minority view, and wrong.
So very wrong.
“…lips pursued and face pained like it had half a lemon in its ass.”
Wouldn’t it be cool if she actually DID have half a lemon up her ass?
‘Maybe Ms. Warren you want to fight so much is because you have half a lemon stuck up you ass. I recommend we remove it.’
‘NO! Don’t you dare take that half a lemon out of my ass!’
When life gives you lemons…
“it’s MY Lemon and MY ass!”
lips pursued
What, exactly, are they pursuing? The lemon?
This is how people get the cat butthole, by the way.
*ponders momentarily*
Hmm. Don’t even feel so much as a blood-puke coming on. No soft white light filling my vision. No sound of loud rushing water in my ears.
*mutters to self*
What are you playing at, SugarFree? What are you playing at….
Children’s novels. Hey, Clive Barker pulled it off.
Its like when you know that Freddy, Mike Myers, and Jason are on the other side of the door, but when it slams open, there is no one there!!!
Every time I see a Hat and Hair story, I’m mentally picturing Frog and Toad.
How am I supposed to jerk off to this?
Violently?
Joyously?
Fabulously.
(this is the hardest item to obtain).
Finding them with odd sized cups means shopping at a medical source for post partial mastectomies.
Repeatedly?
With your off hand, and an over-hand grip, in order to increase the level of difficulty.
They didn’t even bury her up to her neck in the ground then release moles to infiltrate her orifices. *has sad*
AAAAAGH! CULTURAL APPROPRIATION, YOU MONSTER!!
*drops gloves, hands over peace pipe*
Smokem’ if gottem’ *exhales*
I liked the Yeti, who is this hoser?
Yeah, just celebrating the 40th birthday of one of the best movies ever made.
Background.
Now you’ve given me a movie to watch. Thanks.
“Puttin on da foil, Coach!”
I’M LISTENING TO THE FUCKING SONG!!!
I prefer movies about sports.
Ah, a soccer fan, huh?
/readies cat butthole for Tundra
Reggie Dunlop: Goddamn lard-ass Barkley Donaldson, I’m tellin’ you he jumped us!
Steve Hanson: [nodding head] Mm huh.
Reggie Dunlop: Gloves off, stick down, no warning, he challenged the Chiefs!
Steve Hanson: Called us names!
Reggie Dunlop: Called us names! But Dave was there.
Steve Hanson: Dave’s a killer!
Johnny Upton: Dave’s a mess.
Woot!!! Admin approved my picture. *does happy dance*
It is…..magic!
I just see a little black x… meta?
Malcolm?
This guy is actually Italian.
“MAGA Prime”
Action figure available wherever finer, and more disturbing kids toys are sold.
Good but it lacks the perverse filthiness To which I’ve grown accustomed. This is the “pelvic floor” guy, right?
Ahhhh. Some bedtime reading.
See, told you this would happen. Sugarfree gets a platform and suddenly he gets tame. His power was in his subversive venue and the medium influenced his work. In two years he’ll be the internet version of Stuart McLean.
“He’s, like, a total sell-out, man.”
You used to be about the art man, now look at you. You’ve got Hair and Hat action figures, your big advance coming in for the PG 13 Warty Hugeman movie, and all you do is hang out doing coke with Johnny Depp.
When’s the last time you made a person vomit from the thought of cobwebs on Warren/Pelosi/Clinton’s shriveled clitoris? That’s what I thought.
He’s saving all the good stuff for Warty Hugeman stories. To extend a hopeless metaphor about a writer whose work doesn’t interest me, but whose meta-work is endlessly fascinating, they are his Wild Cards anthologies, and the Hat stuff is just something that took off but now looks like it will never end. Trump winning was the worst thing that could happen to the series 🙁
He’ll have jumped the shark when he introduces half-siblings.
http://washedupcelebrities.blogspot.ca/2009/02/danny-cooksey.html
Warty Hugeman’s nephew: Oliver or Chachi?
This cannot not be a real SugarFree piece. I’m not even mildly nauseous.
Exactly. My stomach isn’t churning up lunch, readying the bile for projectile vomiting.
You people are so afraid to let me grow.
We just don’t want you to take the Boeing, and leave us behind. *sniffles*
Of course we are. It probably involves tentacles and non-euclidean dimensions.
Call me a heretic (not you, Eddie, lol) but I like the H&H stories better than the WH stories. H&H is necessarily ephemeral, but very, very necessary satire. WH is more enduring.
AND I HATE YOU FOR SELLING OUT FOR PG-13 WH MOVIE.
she said as the guards dragged her away
What happens next, Unca Free? Is she expelled like a hair ball or absorbed like a dead foetal twin?