The Hat and The Hair: Episode 51

by | Jul 7, 2017 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 164 comments

“Are you nervous about seeing Vlad again?” the hair asked.

“No,” Donald replied waspishly. “Hashtag Fakenews. Sad.”

“Don’t Twitter at me, Donald,” the hair told him. “You haven’t seen him since the primary and I was worried that you might be a little nervous.” He had been left on the nightstand and the numerals of the clock radio lit him from behind with a soft red glow.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Donald insisted. He rolled away from the nightstand and pulled the hotel duvet over his bald head.

“Donald,” the hair persisted.

“Go away,” he mumbled.

“Donald, you really need to work out your feelings about Vlad before you see him later. You too had a very long relationship that you had to hide the entire time.”

“Will Angela be there?” the lump of bedclothes asked.

“ANG-e-la, Donald. It’s pronounced ‘ANG-e-la.’ Imagine you are swallowing a live guinea pig when you say it.”

“I don’t think Arugula likes me very much,” Donald whispered. The hair sighed wearily.

“She is in awe of your Presidential powers,” the hat murmured sleepily.

“Yes, I’m sure that’s what it is,” the hair said dryly.

“Wear me when you see Vlad, Donald,” the hat said. “I’m not scared of him.”

“I’m not scared of him either!” Donald groused. The Service Service agent curled up on the end of the bed whimpered.

“Not scared, Donald,” the hair said. “Nervous. The two of you used to be… together. It can be tough seeing someone like that.”

“Oh, God,” the hat groaned. “He’s not some teenage faggot mooning over a quarterback. Stop handling him with kid gloves.”

“Donald,” the hat said from the bedpost, “You go in there and you act like a man. An adult goddamn man. You say, “Vlad, give me what I want or I’m going to fuck you and fuck you hard. I’m going to ride you around this room until with have an agreement on Syria. I’m not going to let up on you one little bit, not even if you beg me.”

“What’s the safe word?” the hair asked.

“Safe word? Don’t be an asshole, hairball. I’m talking about hardball negotiation tactics. I’m talking about taking what you want, not asking for it.” The hat was getting louder and louder. There was a soft knock on the door.

“Mr. President?” a distant voice asked.

“The Art of the Deal!” Donald yelled at the door. After a moment, soft footsteps headed away.

“That’s it, Donald,” the hat said. “Give it to them hard!”

“Isn’t there a 4chan board you should be scanning for gifs?” the hair asked.

“I’m gonna fuck you up like CNN, motherfucker!”

“I’m trying to sleep here!” Donald said. When he rolled over and kicked the sheets off, the Secret Service agent hit the floor with a startled yelp.

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

164 Comments

  1. Plisade

    “What’s the safe word?”

    “First.”

    Or does that only apply to morning and arvo links? :/

  2. Lachowsky

    “Isn’t there a 4chan board you should be scanning for gifs?”

    I feel like this is the first president our country has ever had who listens to what his people say. I feel like I can get my presidents ear if I make a good enough meme that supports him. Maybe being a master memer is the new route to political power here in the USA.

    • bacon-magic

      I AM POPPY would make a great CNN meme.

      • BakedPenguin

        Have Poppy on screen with slightly modified version of James Earl Jones saying “This is CNN”.

    • Lachowsky

      You guys think Trump reads Glibs? If you do, Mr. Trump, please shoot me an e-mail. I have some really good ideas I would like for you to push forward as policy.

      • BakedPenguin

        I doubt it – he’d have tweeted about Hat & Hair or my comics by this point. SAD!

      • Lachowsky

        I think I would laugh myself to death if Trump started tweeting the hat and the hair and secret nazi president. That would be too funny. I don’t think I could take it.

      • Number.6

        Anyone feel like introducing Sugarfree’s stuff to a couple of 4Chan shitposters?

      • Vhyrus

        I would be very careful crossing our streams with 4chan. If the internet is a mirror of society we are Walter White and Jessie Pinkman. 4Chan is the fucking cartel.

      • Number.6

        Nobody said it would be without certain inherent risks, and we ought to use multiple layers of cutouts.

        But think of the fame and notoriety!

      • Just Say'n

        Damn that’s a good analogy. Best not to involve ourselves in the ongoing Meme War

      • Number.6

        I think a better analogy is that 4Chan are like Reavers, frankly.

      • SugarFree

        Yeah, just like the suggestion of crossposting on r/TheDonald for lulz. They’d hunt down our little corner of the web and it would be napalm on wildflowers.

      • BakedPenguin

        “Best not to involve ourselves in the ongoing Meme War”

        Just Say’n – you might like the next SNP.

      • John Titor

        You assume there isn’t a Venn diagram of Glibs and 4Chan shitposters, normie.

      • Vhyrus

        Oh I would be shocked if some of us did not at least dabble in the dark arts, but since we haven’t been flooded with metric fuck tons of shit yet my only assumption is that we simply aren’t on anyone’s radar, for better or worse.

      • Number.6

        There might not be any Venn unions of Glibs to 4Chans, but there are going to be plenty of Glib to Skeptic/Anti-SJW/Anti-Fem/Antiantifa to 4Chan chains.

        Don’t completely write off the possibility of some ‘leaks’

      • Pan Zagloba

        you might like the next SNP

        Odds of people not liking it are generally low. You do some quality shitposting work!

      • BakedPenguin

        Damn. There is a certain level of irony here. You guys keep referring to Internet crap I included in a comic that I haven’t published yet.

        Also, thx.

      • Pan Zagloba

        That just means you are fully immersed in the zeitgeist of the age, like a proper artist should.

      • Swiss Servator

        I long for the next installment of SNP…

      • Vhyrus

        SNP I think he would like. Hat & Hair…. not so much.

      • wdalasio

        Sugarfree says bad things about my hat and hair. Not very nice. Still, documents Lying Hillary well. More of this!

      • SugarFree

        Sugarfree. Sad. #fakefakenews

    • Vhyrus

      If you think about it, a good meme is simply a very pithy visceral argument or statement. It is the modern equivalent of a sound byte. Any truly good politician should be a good memer.

      • Lachowsky

        Memes are the political cartoons of the digital age.

  3. bacon-magic

    Safeword is “Ragnorak”.

    • Bobarian LMD

      I like ‘Marla’.

  4. bacon-magic

    I thought I saw John posting on Glibs the other day… did we scare him off?

    • Pan Zagloba

      No H&R veteran can be “scared off” if they lived past two SF chapters. Maybe he had to do some work? Or better yet, took the week off to not sit at the computer!

      • bacon-magic

        True. I’ve actually been busy at work so can’t post as much.

      • Gadfly

        I thought he said he was going on vacation, so if that’s correct you should see him pop up here again in a matter of weeks. But maybe that was someone else…you all look alike to me.

      • Zunalter

        …white people?

      • Lachowsky

        The only one of you Glibs I could pick out of a crowd is HM, so there’s that.

    • tarran

      Not so much scare him off as bore him, I suspect. Much of what John did was to rip apart the articles posted on Hit and Run. And every hour he could count on something with lots of loose ends for him to worry at until the tapestry had been reduced to a frayed mass of soggy threads. Here, the articles are fewer and tend to be more tightly woven.

      We might be too genteel for a bar-room brawler like him.

      • Pan Zagloba

        We might be too genteel for a bar-room brawler like him.

        I’d like to point that this was posted on a Hat & Hair story. I sometimes wonder if our moral compasses have been permanently demagnetized…

      • bacon-magic

        Our moral compass is SugarFree…
        Ima let that sink in.

      • Pan Zagloba

        When the Stars Are Right and the Old Ones Return, you’ll be glad he has prepared you!

      • Bobarian LMD

        When R’lyeh rises from the sea, we’ll all get prime priority to beach front property.

        And new extra mouths to scream from.

      • Number.6

        L O S T …………. I N ………….. S P A A A A A A A A C C C E E E !

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I was reminded of PIIIIGS IN SPAAAAAACE!

      • Vhyrus

        I could whip up a post about body armor if you think it will bring him back.

      • R C Dean

        Actually, I’d like that regardless.

        Barely saved a typo there (“retardless”).

      • Vhyrus

        John would have been proud.

      • DOOMco

        RC is related to John.

        you heard it here first.

      • R C Dean

        Oh no you di’int.

        *drops gloves, doesn’t see DOOMco in the room, wanders off*

      • F. Stupidity Jr.

        I suspect that’s the reason we haven’t seen other glibs in some time. Hamster was here in the beginning and I haven’t seen her in quite a while.

      • F. Stupidity Jr.

        Answering tarran’s post, of course.

      • Number.6

        Probably froze to death in the harsh antipodean winter.

      • SugarFree

        That was “invisible furry friend.” Sadly, she never joined us in the move.

      • The Last American Hero

        And here I was thinking he’d say “you had me at Thicc Thrs”.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Not Thicc enough.

  5. kbolino

    This was remarkably lacking in obscenity.

    • But Enough About Me

      Yeah, something’s wrong.

      • Number.6

        WHERE IS THE REAL SUGARFREE, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM????

      • SugarFree

        I LIVE.

      • Chipwooder

        This post was actually written by Stevia.

      • Vhyrus

        Well I know what account name to use when I start trolling this place.

  6. tarran

    Not a criticism, just an observation: the Hat looks a lot like Crow T Robot.

    BTW, it’s a little known fact that Crow T Robot and Kim Cattrall were an item for about a decade. That metal dude had taste.

    • SugarFree

      “And he dated Kim Cattrall, back when that meant something.”

    • Chipwooder

      Are you sure that was Crow, and not Crow’s mysterious twin Timmy?

    • bacon-magic

      Gym sock fetish?

      • jesse.in.mb

        Ooooh, are we talking about working class German and British gay porn?

        *pulls up chair*

      • bacon-magic

        Um…Porky’s the movie sir. *straightens up in chair*

    • Mookman

      Crow was also the president of the Kim Catrall Fanclub.

      Been watching some MST3K reruns on YouTube, they’re still amusing and definitely better than the reboot. I get a kick out of the political and pop culture references that were relevant then and are probably meaningless to most people now. An added treat are the episodes with the commercials left in. I saw a telephone commercial from ’93 starring OJ Simpson’s grandmother spinning and cutting her way through the house to answer a collect call from Juice that I had to rewatch almost immediately.

      • Chipwooder

        The reboot started off pretty weak and has improved as it’s gone along, but I agree – still not up to the old episodes. I watch the old ones on YouTube all the time. I know I saw most of them when it was in first run, but I’ve been surprised by how many I don’t remember at all.

  7. Just Say'n

    No links today?

    • Vhyrus

      Theyre coming… and theyre gonna be YUUUUGGGEEEE! The best links ever. Awesome. Genius.

    • The Fusionist

      Seriously, are the staff (if I may use that term) on vacation and/or at work, reducing the time they can devote to this site?

      I won’t presume to speak for all commenters, but some of us are high-maintenance, some of us may hypothetically have articles waiting to be reviewed and wonder if they’re drawing straws tobe the ones to say the articles suck.

      • Vhyrus

        Considering how little actual work I do when I am at work I would be willing to take on more responsibility on the site. My biggest problem is I don’t look at shit outside of gun blogs and this place so my links would be…. well you’ll see.

      • Chipwooder

        Fine by me – you can never have too many gun links.

    • F. Stupidity Jr.

      Nah, Robby’s just late again is all.

      • The Fusionist

        With his [bleep] cycle?

        There I go again, ganging up on the pretty boy.

      • Just Say'n

        Please do. I miss the Robbie bashing

      • John Titor

        I think we’re going to have to draw straws or fight to the death or something over who gets to write the review of his book.

      • Just Say'n

        There should be an article just full of Robbie memes. A second Meme War front

      • R C Dean

        Dibs on the tire changing meme.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Froot Soo-she

      • DOOMco

        everyone should write one. It’ll feel like the old days.

      • Pan Zagloba

        Yes, we should have a whole week of nothing but reviews of Robby’s book.

        God, I wonder if Sargon will do a review if we pay him $100? $200?

      • John Titor

        Too many reviews starts to push us into tsundere territory.

        “It’s not like we like Robby-kun or anything, b-baka.”

      • Pan Zagloba

        I’d point and laugh, but only because I had the foresight to refresh before….I had something for this…to do with unprotected sex?

        Lana? LANA? LANAAA?

      • Number.6

        Is anyone actually monitoring the level in that 55 gallon drum?

        Askin’ for a friend.

      • Lachowsky

        I had to use a pint this morning

    • SugarFree

      They were scheduled later by accident. Give it 50 mins. But there is a special treat… ALL VHYRUS, ALL FIREARMS LINKS!

      • Just Say'n

        50 mins? Nah. Pass

      • Vhyrus

        SPOILERS!!! NUUUUU!!!!

      • SugarFree

        shush, bruh. I’m hypin’ your link drop.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Sure. “Accident”.

        This is part of your grand scheme to kill us, isn’t it.

      • SugarFree

        No, I actually think something is still wrong from the outage issue yesterday. I’m going to consult with the tech folks.

    • DOOMco

      The protests at G20 look interesting.
      I’ll look for a good link

    • Just Say'n

      Can an administrator just post a Gary Johnson meme while we wait for the links?

      • SugarFree

        No. You’ll post on this thread and you’ll LIKE it.

      • Just Say'n

        Damn you

      • The Fusionist

        Anyone can do that…

        How about a novel criticism of William Weld?

        “Look, William Weld seems like a nice guy, so I’m sorry to pick specifically on him, but he represents this standard of patrician decency that we sometimes as a country still look to for guidance. When, at the end of the day, we’re living in a time of potential death in the streets by racists and rolling back of every healthcare protection for women who need an abortion,”…“There’s blood at the end of this, and I don’t give a flying fuck about your respectability.”

  8. Rick C-137

    Apropos of this little story, I have looked at the kekistani FB page and if they are to be believed, the douche canoe who wrote the OP on the gif, his wife and parents and several high up CNN people have already been doxxed. Also in a turn of events that are completely out of character for them several posters are calling for an armistice with reddit, and further proposing a joint meme strike. They’re already calling it the Meme War of 2017. CNN really stepped in it, in a way that they can barely comprehend.

    • Juvenile Bluster

      I can’t tell if this is the funniest or the dumbest paragraph I’ve ever read.

    • Just Say'n

      Who did what now? They’re at war with Reddit too?

      This Meme War needs more memes

      • Juvenile Bluster

        4chan is constantly at war with Reddit. It’s like… fuck, there’s no explanation, probably because I’m way too old to understand. But 4chan hates Reddit.

      • Just Say'n

        What is a Reddit?

      • Rick C-137

        4chan hates reddit with a passion, but are willing to work with them to crush CNN over this .gif thing. We truly live in interesting times.

      • The Last American Hero

        So sort of like how I look at Team Red and Team Blue and say, “Can’t you just bond over your love of big government and authoritarianism?”

      • Vhyrus

        Now kith!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Kids in The Hall?

    • Vhyrus

      I read something similar. Apparently 4chan hates reddit for being too normie and reddit hates 4chan for being… well 4chan, but if those two powers were to ever unite…. *shudder*

      • DOOMco

        4chan makes the stuff. they find the stuff.

        then 4 days later Reddit shares it.

        then 4 days later even more regular people start seeing it on facebook or instagram.
        People all go to reddit.

        4chan and reddit communities just don’t like each other. Like Irish clans.

    • John Titor

      The fatwa has been declared, Meme Jihad now.

      • Worker and Parasite

        Begun, the meme war has.

      • Just Say'n

        This is both exhilarating and weird

      • Rick C-137

        Shadilay

      • Worker and Parasite

        Shadynasty?

      • DOOMco

        “Negress????”

      • Worker and Parasite

        Well, whatever the proper word was…

    • Number.6

      I’m stumped for an analogy for a 4Chan/Reddit alliance.

      … still stumped …

      • Rick C-137

        Ribbentrop/Molotov pact?

      • Just Say'n

        Like a Mises Institute/CATO Institute alliance.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Reason/Lew Rockwell?

      • Just Say'n

        Justin Raimondo/Nick Gillespie

      • SugarFree

        Al Queda / ISIS

      • John Titor

        One of those Batman villain team-ups between one of the worst with one of the lamest, like the Joker and the Riddler.

      • bacon-magic

        Rebels/Mandalorians

      • R C Dean

        Easy.

        4chan = North Korea
        Reddit = China

      • Bobarian LMD

        Hitler and Stalin in ’44?

    • Chipwooder

      I’m confused. Can I assume that CNN is fucked? That assurance is good enough for me.

      • Rick C-137

        If Reddit and 4Chan can stop bitchslapping for two minutes then yes, yes they are.

      • Just Say'n

        How are memes going to hurt CNN?

      • Just Say'n

        What the hell was that?

      • John Titor

        Shia made the mistake of reacting to 4chan. They responded by hounding him to the ends of the earth.

      • Number.6

        Literally to the ends of the Earth. It was like a progtard LARP version of Ursula leGuin’s EarthSea.

        In the end, Shia turned around and realized that he was his own Nemesis. (oops. Spoiler)

      • R C Dean

        They actually tracked him down in a cabin in the Arctic Circle, fer cryin’ out loud.

      • Vhyrus

        Shia made the mistake of thinking he was some kind of social justice superhero and 4Chan turned out to be a much more formidable joker to his batman.

      • Just Say'n

        My favorite memes were the Gary Johnson ‘Bake the Cake’ memes.

      • Number.6

        It will be CNN’s immune system’s reaction to the memes that will do the damage.

      • Rick C-137

        The memes won’t the doxxing, hacking and pornados will. 4chan spent 6 months drving Shia Lebouf insane, and that was for the lulz, they take their anonymity very seriously, screwing with that is asking to be spamming with phishing emails and other madness.

      • R C Dean

        You know 4chan is working on hacking CNN’s website. I can hardly wait.

      • Vhyrus

        If the key players at 4chan and reddit worked together for 24 hours it would be on par with the ending of Fight Club.

      • Ted S.

        So there’s no 4chan and reddit working together?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        They’re going to discover they are one in the same?

      • Juvenile Bluster

        They will face memes the likes of which have never been seen before.

        Or, a bunch of 15 year old autists will yell a bunch and think they’ve accomplished something.

        Or both.

      • Rick C-137

        Both? Also, memes are not the only thing 4chan does

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Well, they also post child porn. And loli hentai. A lot of loli hentai.

        Anonymous will DDOS CNN.com and take it offline for like 15 minutes. What else are they going to do? The doxxing of CNN anchors already happened.

      • Rick C-137

        Not much, but it’s goddamn amusing to watch it all happen.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        4chan’s not going to be amusing. The memes are going to be boring.

        What’s going to be amusing is CNN’s sure to be wildly over the top response to it. Which will lead to a meme/response cycle that’s probably going to go on until the 4channers get bored.

      • Rick C-137

        That’s more or less what I meant. The memes will get old and rather predictable, but CNN will keep feeding it, which will jump start the cycle as you said. If we were in different time I would say that CNN would go begging FEDGOV for help but Trump is likely to tell them to get bent.

      • Pan Zagloba

        Daaamn, that uniform… He can be President For Life of my heart!

      • DOOMco

        The guy is pretty funny.

    • Vhyrus

      And now we see the inconvenient truth: private corps will gladly chuck civil rights out the first available window and grab their ankles for government stooges.

    • The Fusionist

      ““Nothing is more sacred to us than our religion and our holy personalities,” he added.”

      What about your phony-balony jobs, your mistresses, and your pet goats?”

      • Vhyrus

        “What about your phony-balony jobs, your mistresses, and your pet goats?”

        But you repeat yourself, sir.

      • Chipwooder

        Gentlemen, this is serious! We must protect our phony-baloney jobs! Harrumph, harrumph!

  9. F. Stupidity Jr.

    So I watched that trailer for The Bold Type earlier and thought, “Wow. There is no way I’ll see another trailer today with anything close to the same ability to nauseate the viewer.”

    Then this one came up.

    • SugarFree

      I’m just shocked that someone finally made a movie about living in New York.

      • Chipwooder

        I mean, I even LIKE New York City. Never lived there myself but I was born on Long Island and had plenty of family who did (not many still there now though). Made many a trip on the LIRR into NYC when I was little with my mom to visit aunts, uncles, cousins. Enjoy a trip up there every now and then. So I’m pretty favorably disposed to NYC as a place considering how much I loathe most of its inhabitants….and I still roll my eyes at how many movies and TV shows are set in NYC.

    • Ted S.

      Freeform started out as CBN and went through multiple incarnations, probably most notably as the Family Channel followed by ABC Family. I believe it still runs The 700 Club because when Pat Robertson spun off CBN one of the contract requirements was that The 700 Club had an option to buy time on the channel for the show basically until kingdom come.

      • The Fusionist

        “…an option to buy time on the channel for the show basically until kingdom come.”

        To be fair, they thought kingdom come would only take a couple years to arrive, if that.

      • Chipwooder

        Oh, it’s the former ABC Family? Kind of funny since the two ads they kept showing during Willy Wonka were that “We smash the patriarchy!” one and one for some other show about foster kids that had a bunch of same-sex couples in it. If they still have to show The 700 Club then it’s even funnier.

    • Pan Zagloba

      I now understand suicide bombers.

      • But Enough About Me

        “Now”?