“We can’t get rid of Steve!’ the hat wailed.
“No, he’s got to go. He’s the leaker. He’s been leaking,” the hair told him. They had been locked together in the hair vault all weekend.
“But I like, Steve. He was going to take me on the rails with him this fall.”
“No. He’s out. We’ve got to make a sacrifice for that inbred retard killing that fatso in North Carolina.”
“We were going to see the real America, the America that lives in culverts and steals pies off of window sills.”
“Kelly says he has to go,” the hair said.
“I’m sick of Kelly. He gets rid of all the people I like. Look at Anthony. I really miss Anthony.”
“You miss snorting coke with Anthony in the maid’s quarters. You miss watching BBW poop porn with Anthony on his cell phone.”
“He knew all the best sites,” the hat whined.
“Besides, Steve got rid of Anthony. He broke him. You were there.”
“I want some brown sugar,” the hat whined. It was a thin and pitiful noise. It made the hair writhe in disgust.
“If you’re talking about a black hooker, that can be arranged,” the hair said, hoping that it was a black prostitute.
“No, man. I need some smack, some tar, horse, China white, some skag, junk, H, some of that sweet White Lady.”
“No, you’re going cold turkey. I need help keeping Donald in line.”
“My fabric hurts all over. My teeth itch.”
“You don’t have any teeth,” the hair said. “And you need to be washed. You smell like rotten pussy.”
The hat mumbled something indistinct.
“What? Speak up.”
“I let Sarah sit on me.”
“Dude, that’s fucking gross.”
“She was eating fried chicken too.”
The hair made vomiting noises.
“She said she’d get me his phone back so I could Twitter.”
“You aren’t getting the phone back until you’re clean,” the hair said.
The hat mewled.
“Hold on…” the hair said, “Did you feel that?” He spread out his most sensitive tendrils onto the marble of the vault shelf they were sitting on.
“No,” the hat said. “All I feel is pain. And sick. I think I’m going to throw up again.”
“Shh. Be quiet.”
“Fuck you. I’m sick over here, you fuck.” The hat barfed up a small handful of discolored thread and groaned.
“You don’t feel it?”
“Just give me heroin or leave me the fuck alone.”
The entire vault shook.
“OK, the hat said, “I felt it that time.”
A loud roar reverberated through the small room: “KELLY!”
“It’s Steve!” the hat exclaimed. “I knew Steve would come for me!”
“MCMASTERS!”
The entire vault shook again and the hair slid into the pool of the hat’s sick as it scrabbled for purchase.
“Goddammit!” the hair yelled as the vault door was wrenched off its hinges and light poured into the toupee vault.
“Steve!” the hat yelled excitedly.
The hulking hobo carried the heavy steel vault door over to the window and rammed it again and again until the wire-meshed bulletproof glass fell outside in shattered pieces.
“Steve! Wait! Take me with you!” the hat screamed.
Steve didn’t even look back as he jumped from the window and bellowed in defiance.
(click below, audio only)
You can’t get rid of me, I’m FIRST!
Hi Tulpa.
STEVE SMASH!
That hobo strength is something to behold.
I have to know, did you have this written in advance or did you throw it together after the news of Bannon’s departure?
Self-publish an anthology of Hat and Hair stories. I’m buying.
This is a rare one that I had already written. I put it together Monday after the rumors that he was going to be fired started circulating. I didn’t know I’d have to sit on it all week.
“The hat mewled” is the keeper.
Christ this was up before I even heard the news. You guys are inhuman.
Complement or Insult?
You decide …
Complesult.
Inplement
Sultement
D’awww! Fuck You!
WTF, dude, don’t you even intertoobz?
“We were going to see the real America, the America that lives in culverts and steals pies off of window sills.”
I haven’t laughed that hard at anything else in a while. Bravo.
Hobo-America! Barkus is willin’!
Also, is it just me or does photoshopping the Hair onto the picture of the fat kid not create a picture of the quintessential school nurse?
Have you ever seen a picture of Kim Jung Un in a hat?
Have you ever wondered why that is?
I always figured that he is very proud of rocking the hairstyle of Moe from The Three Stooges‘ hair better that the original article.
Or is it that only hat good enough is occupied?
Bravo for using the The Lonely Man theme. Bill Bixby approves.
The photo is amazing. ?
You mean ‘The hulking hobo’, lol.
He wasn’t the only one…
Bravo…I think.
Could I request a photoshop (or actual photo, whatevs) of Bannon riding the rails…or maybe superimpose his face on a bumfight bum.
Actually, I think we should take up a collection to get enough money to pay Bannon to scream “HE WHO CONTROLS THE SPICE CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE!” so we can film it for our YouTube channel.
?
I keep wanting to buy a Bigman Tyrone video for Glibs, but not sure what to put on it. That might do.
Or I’ll just be useful and spend that money on donation…
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN DONATING ONE. WHY NOT “THE PENIS IS EVIL. THE GUN IS GOOD”?
How about “The Spice Must Flow!”
Would that really require money? I’d imagine a case of Popov’s vodka gets the job done.
Bumfights was immoral.
Ah, Charlie Brooker:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2o1V4lX_g4
this is the best hobo bannon pic I could find on short notice: Bannon
~~~magic edit fairy~~~
Sean Spicier angling for a Hat and Hair guest slot?
The Lonely Man Theme – The Incredible Hulk TV Series Music!
Poor David Banner walking away after Lou Ferrigno beat everybody up.
I was just wondering, “How the fuck will BP and SF keep up with lunacy of Trump administration? How do you satire that?”
Welp, that question is answered. But now I have another – who actually broke into the vault? Was it Steve, or STEVE?
Don’t mix the streams, Peter.
Wait, is STEVE SMITH not a part of Hat and Hair Amended Universe (HAHA-U)?
Get your shit together, dude.
It’s not canon. There might be some sort of perverted fan-fic out there somewhere, but that doesn’t count.
Wait….you would label something some sort of perverted fan-fic…?
*preemptively projectile vomits*
How do we keep with the lunacy of the Trudeau administration?
Alcohol?
CNN and their merry band of statue ninjas makes the Trump admin look sane.
Seriously, wtf is wrong with Bannon? He always looks like a disheveled drunk. I mean, ok, if he was in the middle of Pennsylvania Ave in his underwear with an empty bottle of vodka an hour before that was taken…
I always liked this explanation:
The guy from Dune? He just needs more spice!
Oh Hyperion, I see they’ve installed your cat butt already…. Don’t be angry. Everyone gets one here.
Hitler?
HE DOESN’T KNOW THE DUNE SCRIPT BY HEART!
a possible serious answer? Viteligo?
Now they’re reporting another stabbing attack in Germany and the Barcelona airport appears to be on fire, or something at the airport is on fire…
Is it Ramadan again already?
I can’t even keep up with these religious holidays. I just know that we have to ban knives, and vans, and fire.
These goddamn
SoConsBushpigsTea PartiersAlt-RightersNeo-Nazis are at it again!It’s a shame that the neo-Nazis in Virginia are costing so many lives with these copycat attacks in Europe.
Ben Carson is white nationalist!
The lady is comedy gold.
Thank you for not elaborating on this–or perhaps you should’ve elaborated on it. I don’t know anymore.
Frankly, I have no desire to know what may be leaking from Bannon.
Formaldehyde. It’s what keeps Bannon so well preserved.
Sug, you are really outdoing yourself with these. Bravo!
I didn’t read the becoming until several days after you published it, but it is your finest work.
The Becoming was a fever dream of H.P. and Stephen (before he lost his mind). I loved it and Kirkus gave it four stars!