(Please note that this is all Brett L’s fault.)
“Luther! Luther! Pay attention you fuckin’ cracka!” Donald yelled. “Hit him in the panhandle! It’s his only weakest!”
Luther and Steve circled each other in the Montgomery Cockfighting Pit, the swankiest state capitol cockfighting pit of all the state capitol cockfighting pits. The handicappers for the fight had hobbled Steve and given Luther a set of steel spurs. They were sitting in their respective corners of the pit having their cloacas massaged by their trainers.
“This is barbaric,” the hair muttered. Donald slapped his own head to quiet him. The USA hat squealed in protest. “Moron,” the hair muttered.
“It’s won’t settle the election, but honest, hard-working people like Alabamians like to know you can fight before they vote for you,” Donald said.
“Don’t distract him, Donald. Steve is dangerous,” the hair said. Donald mumbled something and went back to his ice cream cone.
The stands around the pit were full of eager fans. The air was dead and the smell of sweat and beer and chaw and cigar smoke were mingled together and hanging heavy. Donald’s scalp was beginning to sweat and the hair held on with anxious tendrils.
“Dem two gonna fight ‘em?” USA hat asked.
“O-M-G, shutthefuckup,” the hat said.
“Steve could kill him,” Donald said and laughed.
“Why is he even out there? Shouldn’t be overseeing Breitbart or riding the rails? And where the fuck is Roy? Roy’s who should be in the ring,” the hair said.
“Roy had a date,” Donald said. “Skinny little guy, but he forwarded me the picture of his dick. Roy’s probably going to shit wrong for a week.”
“It’s the seat that Roy wants, so Roy should be fighting for it,” the hair said.
“Big Luther knows what he’s doing. Besides, I took out a little insurance. Watch.”
The trainer with Steve held his hand up to the editor’s face and Steve gobbled down whatever was there. Donald started laughing and rubbing his nipples.
“What did you do, Donald?” the hair asked.
“Just watch.”
“Can I have a popsicles?” USA hat asked.
“No,” the hair snapped, “You’ll get it all over me. Shut up.”
“Aww, don’t be like that, Touppie” the USA hat said.
“I told you not to call me that!” the hair yelled.
“Both of you stop it!” Donald said. “The fight’s starting.”
“I like watchin’ fights, yes I do, I surely do,” the USA hat said. The hair growled at him.
“Hey y’all,” Jeff said, emerging from the smoky dim outside the glare of the pit lights. “Yew mind if I sit by yew?”
“Sure, OK, whatever,” Donald said with no enthusiasm. “Just be quiet.”
“They’re fightin’ for mah old Senate seat, you know,” Jeff said, perching on the bench beside Donald like a wizened Elf on the Shelf.
“No shit,” the hat said.
“You say somethin’, Donald?” Jeff asked.
“I said ‘be quiet,’” he replied.
The referee raised his hand and the venue grew quiet, but when he dropped it, and Luther and Steve were shoved into the pit, the crowd roared.
Steve minced to the center of the ring, his feet tied together by a short length of rope. He raised his arms over his head and bellowed something unintelligible.
“Big Luther!” Donald yelled.
Luther scuttled forward quickly and slashed at Steve with an ankle spur. Steve hopped backward and brought his clasped hands down on Luther’s shoulder. Everyone could hear it dislocate and Luther stumbled back. The USA hat guffawed loudly.
“Uh, Donald…” the hair began.
Luther, holding his arm, stepped away from his opponent’s lumbering embrace, pivoted and brought his spur down, laying open Steve’s shin almost its entire length. Steve howled in agony and fell into the side of pit.
The hair noticed that Jeff was pawing at his own crotch frantically.
“Yeah!” Donald yelled. “Give him a taste of STRANGE!”
Luther rushed into punch Steve twice in the face as the homeless Svengali reeled drunkenly. A cut over his eye began to weep blood. The referee stopped the fight and sent them both out of the pit.
“That’s it? I though theys was gonna kill each udder,” the USA hat whined.
“Wow. What happened?” the hair asked, impressed.
“I paid off the trainer to slip Steve the one thing no hobo can resist,” Donald said smugly, “A pint of Sterno.”
Shades of The Deerhunter.
I was thinking Pulp Fiction meets Deliverance
DI DI MAO!!! MAO!!!!
God, that USA hat is the worst. I want The Hat to fuck him up so bad he’ll turn into CANADA hat!
Right before he does it he has to yell Covfefe!
Thought the USA hat was going to speak in pidgin. Dem wud ha bin funee.
Is this the red USA hat or the white USA hat?
Did you hear the way it talks? Obviously racist white.
I heard a Russian accent.
I suppose every Russian I met was racist. All one of them.
I mean why else would they want a Nazi to win, right?
Incidentally, he was also Jordanian so when I say he was racist, he had issues with (((them))).
Sug, I haven’t commented much of late but wanted to shout out to you. Your fiction is nonpareil. Moar, pleez.
Thanks so much.
Where you been, bro?
nonpareil
You been keeping these great words to yourself, asshole?
All French words are great. It Is Known.
Mmm, nonpareils.
At first, I thought Steve was STEVE, and the thought of STEVE SMITH getting into the Senate made me way happier than it should have.
WTF is sterno. Isn’t that lantern gas? Is it alcohol based ano is It a hobo sub for alcohol ala mouthwash or hand sanitizer.
Denatured alcohol in jellified form. It will fuck. you. up. But it certainly used to be a hobo favorite.
One place I worked as a kid, the manager had to ban some, um, locals from buying denatured alcohol in liquid form. They’d mix it with milk out by the parking lot. We used to call it “metho & milk.”
Denatured alcohol is one of my favorite examples of benevolent government.
If you don’t pay your taxes, they will poison you and kill you. For your own good.
I was at a local grocer’s a couple weeks ago, and one of the clerks bogarted a customer wanting to buy a bottle of generic mouthwash. Super awkward.
007-373-5963
YOU KNOW, OR YOU DON’T KNOW.
It’s that simple.
So Luther vs. Tyson?
Well, it’s not a phone number, and it’s not an SSN, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It’s his measurements.
cheat code for punch-out that brings you direct to Tyson
It’s not a cheat code. I earned it.
676-403-3070
That one isn’t on google. Good luck.
Your testosterone, cholesterol & taint levels?
Trump is the best.
When a rogue country like Iran calls you rogue, you know this is a great Presidency.
Plus the hat and hair stories it inspires.
Iran is like Smokey from Friday. He’ll talk shit about Deebo until Deebo tells him to shut up. But when Deebo leaves, he’ll start talking shit again.
I responded to you earlier. Dunno if you saw.
I did. Dying thread by the time I got there.
No offense intended, none taken. I think you are right though, peer pressure and “guidance” from older relatives is a good thing. Its possibly going out of practice as families get smaller.
Personally, I lost my father when I was a toddler and since I had a large family positive role models were available and often volunteered to pick up the slack. Perhaps I shouldnt have picked up gender roles from my grandparents or learned how men interact from my four uncles…but its what I had. As I watch my son culturally appropriate Martial Arts from Koreans I can wonder if it was all luck or a blessing?
Meh. We’re all a product of our environment as they say.
If this tiff between the hats continues, I got you covered SF.
The tooth is a nice touch.
Thank you.
Yes. So much yes.
Just make sure I get a cut of merchandising.
You’ll get your beak wet.
Small suggestion: a rusted fish hook.
This is based on SF stories, I don’t think you want to know where the fish hook is.
Oh I know. It only adds to the fun.
By the way, HT to Hyperion for helping me settle on which color for the USA hat, and BP for who’s Random Drunken Asshole from SNP helped inspire the look.
So, would that be like Pinky and the Brain, and Larry?
Who’s the “Luther” character? Name doesn’t ring any bells.
Luther Strange, who is running for Jeff Session’s Senate seat in Alabama. Yes, that is his real legal name.
Is his dad named Hugo or Stephen?
Lex.
Fun Fact: Luther Strange is the tallest U.S. Senator in the history of the institution. He is 6’9″.
Heh.
69.
I didn’t know there’s another Steve Strange beside the obvious one.
DORMAMU, I’VE COME TO BARGAIN
Wait, that’s a different Stephen Strange.
FIRE has a great piece up right now… summarizing a New Yorker piece about Laura Kipinis Title IX drama
I read the NY’r bit, and the FIRE piece, and i think the latter is the better one. The former, typically New-Yorker-ish, tries to hard to be ‘even handed’, splitting hairs, and pretend that all sides have some legitimacy …
… while FIRE just calls a spade a spade, and doesn’t bother with the pretentious, meaningless-gibberish like “”debate on these topics is crucial to the pursuit of sex equality, as much as participants may disagree on what that means. “”
the first 2 paragraphs really capture how retarded the whole thing is:
Much of it will be familiar to people, but its still worth a read, or should be shared with others who don’t realize how Kafkaesque the Obama-era Title IX implementation became.
good article. End federal funding for institutes of higher learning and this whole problem goes away.
more likely is that the whole gimme of “free college” is going to become a perma-plank of the democrat party.
as public-schools are a core-constituency for “mainstream democrats”, colleges are to the hardcore progressives. there is no way they will ever stop trying to sink federal claws deeper into universities.
‘”Roy’s probably going to shit wrong for a week.”’
It is a fucking tragedy that Nicholas Sparks has a shit ton of books, yet The Man won’t publish this obviously troubled genius.
Jesse Jackson, the gift that keeps on giving: “Confederate flags and statues must go ..the statues of hate must go. We must erect statues of hope.” -Rev. Jesse Jackson
Do we have member called Philandering Bastard? he sent me a comment on Jootub, and the name looks familiar
Joo Tub? Sounds nazi to me.
No, it sounds like this,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptg5I5UCb4Q&lc=z225ippiazj0vdfv3acdp434ihc1xn01tseph0dq2wdw03c010c&feature=em-comments
TEPME3, my Electronica band
Band? Looks like just a bunch of keyboards. And if that’s you, you have very thin legs.
I am Thin, I have Troops, and keys. and guitars and Ukes and Basses, DAWs and PA systems, and I know how to use them.
So do you like it?
Not really my thing. But a well produced version I could see getting some listeners.
I’m asking for a Mod reply, they have a DB you see
Slow night. Maybe a discussion how the new girl in the new Tomb Raider movie doesn’t quite have the, ugh, assets?
5 seconds, no Boobs, nevermind
She looks like a walking skeleton. Eat a cheeseburger or two.
Eh, I don’t know. She looks like she fits the look of reboot Lara fairly well, actually.
Someone recommended Netflix’s “American Vandal” a few days ago.
I thought the joke would get old after the first episode (its a parody of “making a murderer”-style true crime docos, only the ‘crime’ is that someone painted dicks on 27 cars in the school parking lot).
I’m on episode 4 now and its still good for laughs. the characters are pretty good.
Ok, the description didn’t make it clear that it was farce. The student filmmaker documentary the description talks about just made me scroll past. Maybe I’ll check it out.
it maintains that the entire production is the work of the school AV club. that’s the premise.
its not exactly high-humor. its the sort of thing i’d watch w/ a gf. cheap giggles. they do a good job capturing the awkward drama of high-school
Boston CBS: The NFL has a scoring problem. That’s why ratings are down.
Comments: That’s not why ratings are down.
Every year people complain we don’t need preseason. And more and more vets get held out of the preseason. And the early games get worse and worse. (besides all the rules problems and arbitrary punishments)
I would have thought the problem is too much offense.
Can anyone explain why crab salad is so disgusting? I love crab. I love mayonnaise-based salads. Cole slaw, count me in. Chicken salad for sure. Tuna too. Literally any combination of meat and veggies and that lovely egg-emulsified mess we call mayo, bring it on. But crab salad makes me want to vomit. It backs up in my throat. It’s too sweet and too tangy all at once. Cloying. I don’t get it. It’s awful.
Doesn’t it have noodles? And is served cold? Not a good combo. (or that might just be the way it’s done here)
Umm, see you guys Tomorrow,
/blech
Crab salad or krab salad?
Check how the people who prepared it made it.
Maybe they made a mistake with some of the ingredients … this stuff tastes really tangy.
Too sweet and tangy probably means Micracle Whip instead of mayo.