Courtesy of the amazing CPRM
A shuddering boom rocked the house.
“Stay here,” Wartimus’ father ordered. “Talk to the dildo.”
“Hello?” he asked again. He prodded the studded purple monstrosity with a tongue depressor.
“WARTIMUS RIESIGMANN. PARADOX PROTOCOL PREVENTS MOST PROGRAMMED INTERACTIONS,” it said.
“What are you?” he asked.
“PARADOX PROTOCOL PREVENTS…”
“OK, enough of that. What can you tell me?”
“VERY LITTLE. IT IS FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.”
“They are in the house!” his father yelled from the security suite.
“Can you tell me who is attacking us?” Wartimus asked.
“IT MUST BE REDACTED. CONFIRM.”
“Yes. Redact. OK.”
“THEY ARE MEMBERS OF [BEEP]. THEY WORK TO PREVENT PARADOX BY [BEEP] AND SEQUESTERING [BEEP].”
“Do they work for the government or something? Like a secret division of some shadowy department or whatever?”
“NOT YOUR GOVERNMENT.”
“Dad!” he yelled. “They aren’t from the government!”
“Trespassers!” his father exclaimed and started laughing his third scariest laugh. Wartimus felt the guns guarding the inside of the house open up.
“Why did you react to my blood?”
[BEEP]
“Why did you call me ‘Warty Hugeman?’”
[BEEP]
“Why did you destroy those helicopters?”
“I PROTECT [BEEP].”
“Why did the guys upstairs call you an ‘out-time’ object?’”
“PARADOX.”
Wartimus snorted in disgust and walked over to his father. He watched over the older man’s shoulder as the house guns chewed the last of the attackers into wet hunks of meat.
“The, uh, dildo isn’t telling me much,” he said.
“It knows who you are,” his father said. “It reacted to your blood. It called you by a version of your name; ‘Huge Man’ is just our name in English. It’s told us plenty, my boy.”
Professor Riesigmann crossed the laboratory to loom over the dildo. “You are from the future,” he told it.
“PARADOX.”
“My son built you.”
“PARADOX.”
“Stop that,” Wartimus interjected. The dildo beeped dejectedly.
“He must have lost his penis at some point in the future and needed to replace it with you.”
Wartmus clutched his genitals without even realizing he was doing so.
“You are also a weapon,” his father continued. “A very powerful weapon. Somehow you have traveled backward in time. The people outside know you are not from this time and want you. And you being here is a violation of the timeline, the paradox you are so fond of pointing out. This all simple logic, my phallic friend.”
The dildo screeched and began to flash with a bright, purple light.
“LOCAL INCURSION! LOCAL INCURSION! PARADOX THREAT!”
“What are you talking about?” Wartimus demanded.
His father ran to the security screens. “I think I know, son.”
Wartimus joined his father and studied the exterior camera feeds. A ship bristling with guns was hanging over the house.
“LOCAL INCURSION!” the dildo squawked again.
“You mean the giant spaceship hovering over the house?” Wartimus asked sarcastically.
“I’m going to take that damn thing apart if it doesn’t tell us something useful,” his father muttered.
“PARADOX IS INEVITABLE. THE TIMELINE CANNOT BE MAINTAINED. THE TIME INSTITUTE WILL TRAP US IN A RECURSION LOOP.”
“What are you talking about?” Wartimus demanded. “Make sense.”
“YOU ARE THE PREGENITORSHIP OF WHAT/WHO I KNOW AS WARTY HUGEMAN, MY WILLBE/WAS OWNER/OPERATOR. THE TIME INSITUTE IS/WAS/WILL BE HIS ENEMY. THEY WILL COME/ARE HERE FOR ME BECAUSE THEY HOPE HE WILL/HAVE COME FOR ME. I AM OUT OF CONTEXT IN THIS LOCAL FRAME. I HAVE/WILL/DO SHALL PRESENT/ED A PARADOX TO THE LOCAL TIMELINE THAT WILL/HAS CAUSE/D ITS DESTRUCTION.”
“This giving me a headache,” the Professor grumbled.
“TRANS-TEMPORAL GRAMMAR IS VERY DIFFICULT.”
“What is the recursion loop?” Wartimus asked.
“IT IS HOW THE TIME INSTITUTE WILL REPAIR THE TIMELINE. THE TIME FROM THE MOMENT I ARRIVED IN THE LOCAL FRAME UNTIL THEY FINISH THE LOOP WILL BE FOLDED BACK ON ITSELF. ALL OF THIS WILL RECUR INFINITELY BUT OUTSIDE THE TIMELINE.”
“We will be edited out of time, son,” his father explained. “Trapped in a time loop and quarantined. A version of us that none of this happened to will go on.”
“How do we stop it?” Wartimus asked.
“We can’t. We are probably already in it. We’ve probably already had this conversation a billion times. Or maybe only twice.”
“We have to do something, right?”
“Maybe we did something the first time. Maybe we did nothing the first time. Maybe one path or the other causes the loop to close. Maybe the loop closes no matter what.” His father gave a fatalistic shrug and wandered back to the security monitors.
Wartimus snatched up the dildo. “Can you stop the loop from closing?”
“YOUR FATHER IS MOST LIKELY CORRECT, WARTIMUS RIESIGMANN. LOGIC DEMANDS IT.”
“Can you stop it or not?” he demanded, shaking it obscenely as if to force it to answer.
“I CAN DESTROY THE TIME INSTITUTE SHIP. IF I DO SO BEFORE THE LOOP IS CLOSED IT WOULD KEEP US FROM BEING TRAPPED.”
“Then do it. Destroy the ship.”
“THE TIMELINE WILL STILL BE ALTERED. THE POSSIBLE/WAS FUTURE WILL/WILL HAVE/WON’T EXIST/ED.”
“I don’t care. I order you to destroy the ship. I order you.”
“I MUST HAVE A HOST.”
“What do you mean?”
“I MUST HAVE A HOST. I DRAW ON LIFE ENERGIES TO FUNCTION.”
“So draw on mine,” the boy said.
“I MUST HAVE A HOST. I MUST BE INSTALLED.”
Realization dawned on Wartimus. Installation. Host. He became acutely aware of what he was holding.
“I can’t just hold you? Or stick you on my finger or something?”
“I MUST…”
“OK, OK.”
“USE THE DAMAGED ONE.”
“Huh?”
“THE HANDLESS.”
“I… I can’t do that to Simon. I caused this, or will cause this, or have caused or whatever.”
“YOU HAVE YOUR NATURAL PENIS FOR 23 MORE YEARS HENCE FROM THE LOCAL FRAME. YOU ENJOY MANY PEOPLE WITH YOUR PENIS AND EVEN MORE THINGS. HE IS MINDLESS, DEAD. GIVE HIM TO ME.”
“Simon is brain-dead?”
“YES.”
Wartimus sighed heavily. “Dad? I need you to do some, uh, surgery,” he called.
“NO NEED. TAKE US UPSTAIRS.”
*****
Wartimus tried not to look at Simon’s penis as he tugged down his shorts on the front lawn but it was inevitable. His small, pale pink member looked frightened and alone in the crazy light show generated by the Time Institute ship.
“What now?”
“TOUCH MY SOCKET END TO HIS MEMBER.”
Wartimus looked away, but gagged on the noise it made, like a sink disposal unit grinding on a chicken bone.
“STEP BACK.”
Simon rose into the air, arms and legs hanging limp, his new battle penis pulsing with an inner light, thrumming the air with power. As the tension in the air built, even Simon himself began to glow. With a thunderclap, the dildo from out of time shot skyward, dragging Wartimus’ friend behind it.
After that, Wartimus saw nothing but white, pure white, and heard nothing at all.
*****
Wartimus reclined on the roof of his father’s house and watched the stars glitter in the darkness of a moonless night. He had spent the summer making up his own erotic constellations and was languidly masturbating to them. He had spent the summer working in his father’s laboratory and hoped when he went back to school that he would finally meet someone who could be his best friend.
THE END
The dildo beeped dejectedly.
[insert five stars]
Agreed – wonderful!
*languidly masturbates*
OMG
*wipes away a single tear*
This
or
This
LOL wut?
Awesome
This reminds me of the final episode of TNG, but with more dildos.
Oh, they were all like that.
And less Troi. 🙁
OT — Well worth watching
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnvKPVElsEQ
An excellent finish. Great way to wrap up the story.
Finish?!
The journey is only beginning…
WOW, that was amazing.
When the movie series comes out, this will be one of those odd-year offshoots like Rogue 1.
Your thinking…I like it.
As long as they stick to practical effects. No creepy animated dead actor for the Professor.
-1 Estate of Peter Wilton Cushing, OBE
*snap* *snap* *snap* *snap*
Very well done.
Beautiful.
It’s like Superman, written by Alan Ginsberg.
like a sink disposal unit grinding on a chicken bone
Oh my God how did I miss that the first time
Your brain acted in self-defense?
Damn your nimble raclette-sticky fingers!
Mwhuhuhuwha!
*orders extra rösti*
Hmmmm, lecker.
You didn’t. Severe mental trauma can impair memory coding as a self-preservation measure.
“I laughed, I cried, I cringed, I retched.”
In that order? I think I cringed first.
This can’t really be the end?
No, because it sets up Simon as Warty Hugeman’s arch-villain.
There is no end, nor any beginning; this was but a single non-Euclidean slice of the vortex.
Wow, worth the wait.
Best line:
Wartimus looked away, but gagged on the noise it made, like a sink disposal unit grinding on a chicken bone.
Q: Would you rather have your real penis or the super dildo of death?
Your own body, or Major Kusanagi’s?
Either.
I would want Kusanagi’s body in…other ways.
I hope Christopher Nolan directs the movie. I think he’d do a good job of it.
The soundtrack would be most excellent.
I think Joe Johnston (The Rocketeer, Captain America: The First Avenger) would do better with the retrotech style.
*groans in simultaneous pleasure and despair*
It was better than Cats!
Any W.H. scholars care to
enlighteneducateinform us about the “things”Oooooooo, greenies. Me loves me some greenies.
Animal, vegetable or mineral?
Scientists are still trying to determine if the anomalous object sited in the Gash star cluster counts as one of those categories. Warty Hugeman’s greatest “conquest”.
Yes.
Oddly the endowed chair for the study of Warty Hugeman is hard to fill. Some say it’s because all of those with a doctorate in doomcockery are in asylums for the criminally insane, and others say it’s because the chair is *too* endowed for any to handle, but I suspect it’s a bit of both.
Maybe we should replace it with one of those Pope Joan chairs, where the bottom is cut out to let your balls swing free.
That chair is at Miskatonic University, right?
Is it wrong that I laughed through most of this story?
LOL at the penis garbage disposal.
Yes, but degeneracy is a requirement for posting here.
“Ordinary Deviancy” >
lulz
Sometimes laughter is the only thing that keeps the tears at bay.
And they say at TOS that this place is all about titty-pics and Trump-worship. If they only knew the truth…
Reason n+1 that Postrel hates us
The terrible, mindbending truth.
Trump-pics and titty-worship?
Now we’re talkin’
I refer the sorry dregs left behind at TOS to one Dave Chapelle’s remarks regarding fried chicken.
Titty pics yes. Trump worship meh.
They hate us because they wanna be us
I can’t believe X didn’t come over.
Poor Simon
Well you know my name is Simon
And my junk the Doomcock did chew
Oh the Doomcock take me, take me over
Climb the paradox with you
I think we’ll be seeing the Simon-Doomcock entity again. And probably not as a friend to Wartimus.
I dunno, the Doomcock seemed to really mellow Simon out.
True, but that was before it fried his hand and ate his dick.
My guess is he comes back as a villain
Huh, apparently he’s already come back (already will come back?) as a companion.
This is what happens when I don’t re-read past episodes before I read the current ones.
Great purple dildoes that was awesome. I can’t wait til he gets to college. Dem hoes gettin’ rekt.
Line em up and knock em down.
I think I began to screech and flash with purple light just by reading this story.
A strangely touching ending.
Deftly done, you sick fucker!
Ending stories is the hardest part, I think. This was very well done.
Plus, we know how long until Warty hosts the DCoD.
Bravo!!
*vomits, wipes lips clean with a cloth, has a drink of water
Bravo!!
Seems pretty fitting that Cassini suicided into Saturn today. Both alien… both crashing into a planet. Both probes.
D’ ya think Cassini read this story?
If so, it hit Saturn before it could have read the ending
4/5ths was enough.
This is real talent. To take a narrative of this caliber and add a bit of humanity and pathos without it stepping over the line into schmaltz is the sign of real skill.
The giant purple dildo killing machine is what really does it.
The line was leaped over long ago.
SugarFree’s writing is many thing, but rarely can one call it schmaltzy.
There’s a line?
Turn around 180 degrees, put on your glasses, turn your bionic vision enhancements to 10 or 11 and there…way in the distance, you’ll see the line.
For those who might not have caught it on the original site, there is a taste of what is to come for Wartimus in the next few subjective years:
http://wartyhugeman.blogspot.com/2013/09/warty-hugeman-and-flames-of-funtown.html
Just read the most recent installment…
Swastika nipples… Christ.
I sense a niche porn business opportunity.
Frank Miller made it a thing decades ago.
Hey, now. That’s a tranny with tattoos, not a sweet, sexy lady with genetically engineered areolae.
I didn’t realize that was still canon.
Wartimus built something that can chew up and spit out his wang? ON PURPOSE?
It’s not just the college girls that’re gonna get rekt.
The Academy will be shocked when Sugarfree accepts his Best Picture award from a throne being carried by beautiful Filipino children and Thai ladyboys.
I think this model is available for rent.
This is my dildo. There are many like it, but this one is mine. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me my dildo is useless. Without my dildo, I am useless.
Also very good:
Firearms Friday is ready to be scheduled.
No it will not be as awesome as this. Deal with it.
Don’t sell yourself short. Your firearms posts are very popular.
But it will be about penis replacements!
/Freud (I assume this is a Freud thing)
“compensating”
Sometimes a Doomcock is just a Doomcock
It’s funny, Every time I head this song…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lChS4ZJtTXQ
My mind turns it into a song about Warty and the Doomcock
More more! I feel empty at the end, like I ate Chinese an hour ago.
Bravo Sugarfree!
But how does the Chinese feel? Full I hope.
Satiated.
Hěn hăole.
Not just anybody can produce reportage completely devoid of actual information. It’s an art
The capital’s financial affairs were in such disarray by the mid-1990s that they were taken over by a federal financial control board that operated until 2001. Yet in 2014 the council cut corporate and business taxes, reduced individual rates for everyone earning less than $1 million and broadened the tax base by eliminating many loopholes.
As a headline on the conservative website The Daily Caller put it, “Hell Freezes Over: DC Passes Tax Reform.”
In the ensuing years, economic growth and tax receipts have surged, enabling the city to accelerate cuts that were being phased in. The legislation was not revenue neutral, in the sense that broadening the tax base offset the reduction in rates. It was a tax cut. But in a development that would surely warm the hearts of pro-growth Republicans, the economic lift was so strong that tax receipts increased, and last year hit a record.
Even more remarkable, the plan drew praise from across the ideological spectrum, including that of conservative supply-side advocates like Grover Norquist, the president of Americans for Tax Reform, which opposes all tax increases.
MAGIC! Seriously, how did they do it? Did they cut spending at the same time? Who knows? The NYT ain’t saying.
Also, the appearance of “Mr Henchman” makes the whole thing worthwhile.
“Stay here. Talk to the dildo” – a great tagline.
Leave the gun, take the cannoli?
Precisely.
Tell us what you really think.
There Is No Such Thing As a Good Trump Voter
http://www.alternet.org/election-2016/there-no-such-thing-good-trump-voter
***
The county I grew up in, like so many others, pulled the lever for Trump because the people who live there are generally sexist, racist, homophobic and resentful of any minority group who has even dipped a toe into the pool of equality.
***
the author
https://cdnfiles.crowdrise.com/Prod_Large/n541355161_8456.jpg
Some people have a punchable face. This guy’s face says “I deserve to be tied into a pretzel, stuffed in a burlap sack, and beaten senseless with an axe handle.”
looks like a sex doll for Howdy Doody fetishists.
I’m surprised a Ferengi would say that.
Hopefully Trump will keep working with the Dems, and we can sit back and watch all the heads explode.
that whole “my hometown is full of backwater racists but i got out because i’m enlightened” shtick has worn thin. it was funny at first, don’t get me wrong. it generated lulz the first dozen or so times it was published. but it’s become tired.
I now have suggestions from ‘Red Ice TV’ in my youtube.
I find this… problematic.
I get MGTOW videos as suggestions in my YouTube.
That’s way better than actual hangs out with Richard Spencer uses the alt right label unironically white supremacist videos.
There Is No Such Thing As a Good Trump Voter
If only we could have wired up the voting machines to kill everyone who voted for Trumphitler!
Oh, what a glorious paradise would we be living in now.
huzzah!
Intellectual Colossus Matthew Yglesias ponders the economic calculation problem like a kitten getting tangled up in yarn.
https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/9/15/16310490/berniecare-global-budget
***
The selection of reimbursement rates is an important decision, but it substantially mimics a process that already exists for Medicare. Setting a global health care budget, by contrast, would be a huge conceptual change in how American health care works — though it’s a system used in many foreign countries.
…
The payment rates then need to be set low enough to meet the population’s anticipated health needs for the year within the constraints of the global budget.
But if the payment rates are too low, then providers will close, retire, or opt-out of the public system entirely, leading to shortages and waiting lists. The specific Sanders mechanism for making these decisions — punting it all to the HHS Secretary rather than, as in John Conyers’s single-payer bill, establishing some kind of new board to do it — is a little bit at odds with international practice, but in its fundamental dynamics this is similar to how Canada’s single-payer system works.
…
So what should those payment rates look like, and how large should the global budget be? It would obviously be unrealistic to expect an individual senator to be able to work out the appropriate answers to these questions in full detail. The executive branch legitimately has dramatically more technical capacity to ask the relevant questions and consider the relevant options.
***
Something, something top men herp derp.
just make an administrative rule forbidding leaving the healthcare field. easy.
They’re already gunning for a rule forcing us to opt in. Only makes sense to run it both ways.
Chips, you’ll also need an administrative rule requiring people to work in healthcare, as well.
But if the payment rates are too low, then providers will close, retire, or opt-out of the public system entirely, leading to shortages and waiting lists.
The only way to avoid the shortages and waiting lists that bedevil every other single-payer system is to set the rates too high to afford. Gosh, what a dilemma. Its almost like the whole single-payer concept is fatally flawed or something.
They always come so very very close to getting it, don’t they? Then they just randomly veer off into the nonsensical.
looks like a sex doll for Howdy Doody fetishists.
Raggedy Ann wants two.
So what should those payment rates look like, and how large should the global budget be? It would obviously be unrealistic to expect an individual senator to be able to work out the appropriate answers to these questions in full detail.
Wut?
Winning a popularity contest doesn’t make you smart?
First They Killed My Father Is a Surprising, Devastating Triumph
Angelina Jolie’s new film follows the Cambodian Civil War and the brutal Khmer Rouge regime through the eyes of a young girl.
https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2017/09/first-they-killed-my-father-is-a-surprising-devastating-triumph/540018/
***
Jolie, who co-wrote the film with Ung, does not try to over-explain every political detail of the civil war or Pol Pot’s resulting regime (a purportedly Communist government that immediately descended into dictatorial terror).
***
Not real communism herp derp.
(
a purportedlyan overtly Communist government thatimmediatelypredictably descended into dictatorial terror, like every Communist government ever).There. That’s better
I’d need to be a Hindu god to face palm sufficiently.
Excerpts from Clinton’s magnum whinus
https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/09/its-worth-reading-hillary-clintons-book/539973/
***
I don’t understand why there’s an insatiable demand in many quarters for me to take all the blame for losing the election on my own shoulders and quit talking about Comey, the Russians, fake news, sexism, or anything else. Many in the political media don’t want to hear about how those things tipped the election in the final days. They say their beef is that I’m not taking responsibility for my mistakes—but I have, and I do again throughout this book. Their real problem is that they can’t bear to face their own role in helping elect Trump, from providing him free airtime to giving my emails three times more coverage than all the issues affecting people’s lives combined.
…
President Obama once compared Vladimir Putin to a “bored kid at the back of the classroom.” “He’s got that kind of slouch,” Obama said. When I sat with Putin in meetings, he looked more like one of those guys on the subway who imperiously spread their legs wide, as if to say, “I take what I want.”
***
Thanks, Derp. Really brightened my day.
My apologies. Give me a few minutes and I’ll dredge up something that will erode your will to live.
Here we go:
Black female chair of Ohio State’s engineering department calls it ‘very male, very white’
https://www.thecollegefix.com/post/36804/
***
Cox is not wrong; the engineering department at Ohio State is in fact primarily male, just as it is at the majority of higher education institutions across the country.
“You have to overcome your implicit biases or even sometimes explicit biases to work with someone who is different,” Cox told The Lantern.
Cox declined to comment when The College Fix asked her to define the implicit and explicit biases of those in her department.
Because the engineering department is predominately white and male, she emphasizes in the article that “it was important for me to work with my male students, my white, male students – people who [have] never engaged with a female professor of color.”
Cox added in her comments to The Lantern that the lack of diversity in the department “represents some of the real issues in our society when it comes to socioeconomic differences and disadvantages to minority populations.”
***
Must be racism.
***
Monica F. Cox, Ph.D., is Professor and Chair in the Department of Engineering Education at The Ohio State University. Prior to this appointment, she was an Associate Professor in the School of Engineering Education at Purdue University, the Inaugural Director of the College of Engineering’s Leadership Minor, and the Director of the International Institute of Engineering Education Assessment (i2e2a). In 2013, she became founder and owner of STEMinent LLC, a company focused on STEM education assessment and professional development for stakeholders in K-12 education, higher education, and Corporate America. Her research is focused on the use of mixed methodologies to explore significant research questions in undergraduate, graduate, and professional engineering education, to integrate concepts from higher education and learning science into engineering education, and to develop and disseminate reliable and valid assessment tools for use across the engineering education continuum. She has most recently engaged in research exploring the persistence of Women of Color faculty in engineering.
***
So she’s not an engineer. Fascinating.
““You have to overcome your implicit biases or even sometimes explicit biases to work with someone who is different,” Cox told The Lantern.
I’m sure Cox would be happy to discuss those implicit and explicit biases that she holds. As everyone she works with is different from her. They’re all engineers.