“Meet you all the way! Roseanne, uh yeah, uh yeah,” Donald sang loudly.
“Uh, Donald,” the hair said.
“All I want to do in the middle of the evening is hold you tight! Roseanne! Roseanne! I didn’t know you were looking for more than I could ever be,” Donald belted out.
“Donald,” the hair said again. He reached down and flicked something off of Donald’s lapel. A crumb from his morning McGriddle.
“Just let him sing,” the hat said. “He’s upset. Fucking Valerie Jarrett,” the hat muttered, not looking up from the phone he was typing up. “And since when is she black? She looks Puerto Rican, for fuck’s sake.”
“I didn’t know that a girl like you could make me feel so sad,” Donald said in a hoarse whisper and sank down on the bed heavily.
“Rosanna, Donald,” the hair said. “The song is about Rosanna.”
“Rosanna?” Donald asked. “Who the fuck is Rosanna?”
“The song was written about Rosanna Arquette,” the hair said.
“Who told you that?” the hat asked. He was furiously typing on Donald’s burner phone.
“It was on VH1. Pop-Up Video,” the hair replied.
“Oh, man. I miss Pop-Up Video,” the hat said. “Blorp. Blup.”
“So what are we going to text about Roseanne?” the hair asked.
“No clue. I’ve been beating up on Jeff all morning,” the hat said. He hit send on the phone and then cackled. “Oh, man. I hope that gets the little dwarf crying.”
“Well, we’ve got to say something in support, right?” the hair asked.
“Rosanna Arquette?” Donald asked. “Is she the one that cut her dick off? The ugly tranny one?”
“No, that was Alexis,” the hair said.
“So she was the one married to Courtney Cox?” the hat asked.
“No, that was a guy, David,” the hair said dryly.
“So Monica’s husband got a sex change?!?” the hat asked.
“No, he didn’t. And they are divorced,” the hair said.
“So which one is the song about, asshole?” the hat demanded.
“Probably the one with the big floppy jugs from True Romance,” Donald said.
“That’s Patricia!” the hair snapped.
“Just how many of those fuckers are there?” the hat wondered aloud.
“Rosanna Arquette was in Desperately Seeking Susan,” the hair prompted.
“Nope,” Donald said.
“I got nothing,” the hat said.
“She was Jody in Pulp Fiction? Eric Stolz’s wife? The one with all the shit in her face?”
“Was he deformed in that movie too?” the hat asked.
The hair fell flat on Donald’s head in exasperation.
“Roseanne!” Donald sang out in a cracking falsetto, “You don’t have to put on the red light!”
May God grant that we see such in real life….
Oh, also…is it a bit disturbing that I can hear this in my mind’s ear – ““Meet you all the way! Rosanne, uh yeah, uh yeah,” Donald sang loudly.”
I have the last one stuck in my ear.
“Rosanne!” Donald sang out in a cracking falsetto, “You don’t have to put on the red light!”
*shivers*
Can we just vote for the hair in the next election?
Brought tears to my eyes with that last line. ENCORE!
Roseanna Arquette was the one in Amazon Women on the Moon!
I wonder how they ever sold her on that. “Okay, you’re going to get to do a straight comedy gag with Steve Gutenberg, and the catch is that you have to do a skit where you walk around completely naked and do full frontal for like, five minutes.”
That film is one of those little gems from my youth.
That and “gee, I’m really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky. Doctor says she’ll be okay, but she won’t be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile” .
I’m Henry Silva, and this is Bullshit! or Not
That was Monique Gabrielle, wasn’t it? (NSFW)
Yes. Arquette wasn’t nude in AWOM.
Oh damn. I totally conflated them. That makes more sense.
SFW image.
Also, Kentucky Fried Movie was pretty good.
Agreed.
Take him to…..Detroit!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I sort of knew two people from that movie. That’s my closest brush with fame.
“We mean no harm to your planet!”
I feel it’s the superior work, although both are exemplary films. I’d buy them on Blu-Ray before they get memory-holed for being too “problematic”.
If only someone would post a link to that.
I ain’t gonna be typing keywords into google to find that on a company computer. 😉
“”Desperately Seeking Susan””
At the age of ~10 i wanted to bone “slutty, change my clothes in toilet” Madonna more than anyone on earth. the feeling quickly passed. I think she was replaced by Molly Ringwald.
…she was replaced by Molly Ringwald
Not Phoebe Cates or Jami Gertz?
Mmmmm.
https://articlebio.com/uploads/bio/2017/06/19/phoebe-cates.jpg
Here you go!
HNGHHGHGHHGHGHHGGGHHHH…..
Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
*Trigger alert for Q: small breast love*
Fast Times Phoebe was about as close to perfect as a woman can get.
Oh, man, I was a big Jami Gertz mark. Something about the vaguely-tomboyish thing got a pre-adolescent Naptown feelin’ new and mysterious feelin’s.
Oh, possibly meg tilly in the big chill.
at that age i’d have humped a tree stump to death, so it was pretty much whatever way the wind was blowing.
If you’ve ever seen the moderately funny career-in-the-gutter John Travolta movie The Experts…..Kelly Preston from that one. Yeah.
-* the thing about ‘early madonna’ wasn’t even that she was hot. she was an average looking italian girl with dyed hair. it was her “fuck you i do what i want”-ness. it was her acting like a punk-dude that made everyone go, “WUT”
http://madonnaunderground.com/filmography/desperately-seeking-susan/
it was a personality tweak. she got it right on the first try and the world went crazy. the fact she could sing and write half-decent melodies was just the clincher. but her stardom was 99% just the “woman being slightly controversial”. what’s pathetic is that the world has moved in the opposite direction, and being a boring conservative is seen as edgy-sexy
My daughter was enthralled with Madonna when she hit it big. So I always associated her with the millenials.
Later, I found out she’s only about 18 months younger than me (she turns 60 this August). That was quite the WTF moment.
She ‘hit it big’ in 1984 or so. so your millenial daughter was pretty hip for a newborn
’79 so technically GenX. Millenials start ’80 to ’82 depending upon who is writing.
So by ’86, she definitely had the poofy skirt and sequin-covered denim jacket (no bustier though, got to draw the line somewhere).
She, Prince, and Michael Jackson were all born about two months apart in the summer of 1958.
More proof that SugarFree’s existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to us, saves lives. Deep down inside of us, in places that we don’t talk about at parties, we want him at at that keyboard.
…we need him at that keyboard!
Something something hero we need something something getting what we deserve
Sometimes there’s a man who…. I won’t say a hero, because what’s a hero? But sometimes there’s a man, and I’m talkin’ about the Donald here, sometimes there’s a man….well, he’s the man for his time and place. He just fits right in there. And that’s the Donald, and Washington DC. And even if he’s a stupid man….and the Donald was most certainly that, possibly the stupidest man in the District of Columbia, which would place him high up in the runnin’ for stupidest worldwide. Sometimes there’s a man…..eh, I lost my train of thought there. Aw, hell, I done introduced him enough.
No Lebowski fans, huh? 🙁
You nailed the dialog. Guess I’ll have a sasparilla.
Nope. I think it’s overrated.
Riven, we live in a world that has internets, and those internets have to be posted on by men with deviancy. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, OMWC? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Warty and you curse the Glibs. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know; that Warty’s comment, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, *saves lives*. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that internet. You need me on that internet. We use words like link, comment, snark. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent posting something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a Glib who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very snark that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a keyboard and make a post. Either way, I don’t give a *damn* what you think you are entitled to!
Stands and claps, wildly.
MUST CREDIT WARTY.
Yeah!
Sometimes that Sugarfree looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about Sugarfree is he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn’t even seem to be livin’… ’til his comedy bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’. The Internet turns red, and despite all your poundin’ and your hollerin’ Sugarfree comes in and… his comedy rip you to pieces.
… unless, of course, you shoot him in the other femur. 😉
Ow! My femurs!
Changing my username to WeepsForWarty
I wouldn’t do that. Crying is one of his turn-ons.
…Did anyone else hear a dungeon door opening?!
Cocktail parties
And I wish I did.
We wish you did, too, Donny boy.
The worst part about Sessions muzzling himself? He was tripped up by Al fuckin’ Franken, of all people.
“Oh, man. I miss Pop-Up Video,” the hat said. “Blorp. Blup.”
Me too.
Pop Up Video was awesome!
Lotsa brain worm potential in that sentence.
The most Nick Gillespie Tweet of all time
https://twitter.com/nickgillespie/status/1001858156610359296
I like OMWC’s reply.
That was a sick burn.
Money! I looked at the tweet and the first thing I noticed was his profile pic of him sitting in the driver’s seat of his car. Fucking Nick Gillespie of profile pics. I lol’ed. He must be re-using that from his entry on Match.com
Right?! I thought only Q’s titty girls took selfies in the driver’s seat. SMDH
In the full version, he has a seat belt bra.
*Applause*
*wild applause*
I LOL’d at that reply.
Missing some Mexicans and ass sex.
I got that issue. Tossed it in the trash like all the others.
Trash? TRASH?!! NO RECYCLE? U NO LUV GAIA?!
Gaia? No sir. I’m a Smoking meteor of death man!
Sweet Meteor o’ Death.
SMOD.
What’s bizarre is that they do this after ~6 years or so of being the most boring, safe, progressive-friendly version of libertarianism possible.
its like they’re begging, “WE’RE STILL COOL, REALLY. WHY DO YOU NOT BELIEVE US. NICK HAS A LEATHER JACKET. KMW HAS A PURPLE STREAK. WE ARE EDGY. PAY NO ATTENTION TO ROBBY AND ENB.”
Or Dalmia or Chapman…
Dalmia poisoned that well. Hardcopy Reason that shows up in the mail goes into the trash without looking past the title.
We should have known when 2Chille bailed that the end was nigh.
He bailed? I just saw an article of his at HnR recently.
Wouldn’t surprise me, though. He’s definitely out of step at the new and not-improved Reason.
He still submits but he is no longer on the staff. Most solid of all the contributors there.
That reminds me. I need to cancel my subscription so that ENB stops getting any of my money.
I just checked. Mine says expired but I’m still getting the magazine.
Mebbe she would buy a sammich with it?
Compared to ENB, Robbie is a stalwart.
His virtue signal is blinding.
I am not sure what his point is. Who is he supposed to be appealing to?
Welch.
I find it pretty juvenile. ‘Tee Hee Hee, look at the silly pointless stuff I am getting away with! I am defying authority!’
I think it was Gillespie a few years back that gave a half-hearted defense of 2nd Amendment rights with a bunch of ‘buts’ and qualifiers. He lost me on the spot.
Nick is the answer to a question that has never been asked: reminds me of someone selling something he himself would never buy….as in whole life is the Nick Gillespie of insurance policies.
I’m going to write that down. That’s good. That’s real good.
Gillespie is what I think of as a “tactical” libertarian, the kind of person who comes to mind when someone says, “socially liberal, fiscally conservative”. Basically a Republican who thinks gay marriage is fine and people should be allowed to do drugs, or maybe a Democrat who is skeptical about social programs, dislikes government waste, and may go to a shooting range on occasion.
Damn, that’s fucking lame.
“We reprinted The Anarchist Cookbook and totes updated it for 2018! How do you do, fellow kids?”
Lol at the “build a gun” article – it’s just about how to build a Glock with parts bought off the internet. Like c’mon, at least talk about the British guy who’s been publishing info on how to build Sten guns with pipes and springs from the hardware store.
a skit where you walk around completely naked and do full frontal for like, five minutes.
Wait, what?
Every time I do that, SP mutters, “There’s good naked and bad naked, and that’s bad naked.”
Been using the belt sander naked again, eh?
I larfed.
Just to take the edge off.
*puts lunch in the trash*
*moves ms’s lunch out of Trashy’s home*
I continue to larf.
Jokes on you. I ate all the chicken out of that salad!
You let your victims get that mouthy?
Maybe they didn’t study as much because they were out enjoying the warmer weather.
http://www.bbc.com/news/business-44288982
When I think of England one of the last things that comes to mind is ‘heat wave’.
Temperatures are soaring – it cracked 70 degrees! All over London, people were shedding their overcoats and some even rolled up their sleeves.
Everyone except for Hillary, she was piling on more layers to hide the frankenstienish horror that lies underneath.
Do the British own shorts?
Only their army and navy.
Shorts were banned because their lily white flesh was blinding motorists.
Yes. They wear yellow speedos to the pool.
For no raisin. Young adult titles.
That Grandpa Voted for Trump cover looks awfully familiar. I’m pretty sure I read that one when I was like 7 or 8.
“The War With Grandpa” by Robert Kimmel Smith
Yeah, I think I read the actual “Fuck You, Mars” one, but it’s been a long time.
Those are gold, BP, GOLD!
Crying laughing
BLOTY
Oh wow. I was tearing up about half way through that. Awesome.
Crying laughing right away – second one did me in.
“Piece of Shit Birds” and “Animals That Owe Me Money” really got me.
-72 Full color birds
-All pieces of shit
-Will steal from you then taunt you from a tree
Damn, lost it again. hahahahaa
This one is really weird:
The parody…
Is less strange than the original.
That Night We Made Baby? Conception porn? And the woman on the cover is already pregnant… So he knocked her up twice, I guess?
Congrats! It’s twins…sort of.
Yeah, that’s messed up. I guess she’s obvulicious.
Superfetation.
“You’re being audited”
LOL
“Hyperlibertarianism?”
Neighbors in New Orleans’s historic Faubourg Marigny recently threw a street party that marked the first anniversary of a pothole the length of a small sedan.
Pothole Vigilantes Fill the Streets, Plugging Gaps Left by City Workers
They brought beer, sliders and 700 pounds of quick-dry asphalt. Somebody googled, “How to fill a pothole.” Neighbors blocked off the street with trash cans and took turns hoisting bags and filling the tire-busting crater.
“People said it’s vigilantism, but I think it’s hyper-libertarianism,” said party organizer Elisa Cool, a 35-year-old marketing specialist.
https://www.wsj.com/articles/pothole-vigilantes-fill-the-streets-plugging-gaps-left-by-city-workers-1527693501
I’m sure that there’s no such thing as a female hyperlibertarian.
First there would have to be female libertarians, am I right?
‘People’ say it is vigilantism. Who are these people? Whatchawanna bet they belong to the pothole filler’s union?
They’re people who don’t want to lose the ability to say “You didn’t build that!”
Politicians. They’re probably cooking up a plan to fine them right now for doing work, for free, that the city won’t do.
Oh yeah. I’m sure they’re having emergency meetings trying to drum up charges, or at least some fines for this anti-social-contract behavior.
We could use those guys in Balmer. They’d better bring a lot more than 700 lbs of quick-dry asphalt though, it will probably need shipped in by ocean freight, a few thousand ship fulls of it might be a fair start.
I was gonna say, if I didn’t know better I’d say the City of Baltimore wanted to make damn sure those narrow little airstrips running next to all the buildings in the city were totally unusable.
They’re already practically unusable so they’re achieving their goals. But they are trying to build bike lanes next to all the unusable roads. At the rate they’re going, by 2030 they’ll have nice bike lanes and no paved roads.
That’s the Nick Gillespie of hyperlibertarianism.
These are the best comments in month.
I’ve got to go back to work in a minute: orphans ain’t a gonna flail themselves.
There are times when you really are a genius.
You doubted it?
SF’s greatest contribution to the internet and one that may just stand as the greatest ever thing on the internet for the next millennia, is STEVE SMITH! Honestly, I somehow missed that entire thing over at TOS, probably because it was before I was on very often just lurking around. So I would hear people here talk about STEVE SMITH! And I honestly didn’t get it, until I asked here on Glibs and someone posted a link of the original post. I swear I was literally rolling around on the floor laughing for an hour, my sides hurt, for real. Rapesquatch, who the fuck comes up with that? The funniest part is that it was actually a real guy who I guess was buds with Welch, lol.
WHEN YOU ROLL ON FLOOR WITH STEVE SMITH, MORE THAN JUST SIDES HURT!
And that’s another great thing about ol STEVE, HIS COMMENTS GOOD FOR ANYTHING AND BY ANYTHING MEAN…
I’ve gotten a report that at a LA-area Reason meet-up, the real Steve Smith was asking anyone who didn’t have there commenter handle on their “HELLO, MY NAME IS…” badge if they posted as SugarFree.
LOL.
So, you’re being hunted by the Rapesquatch. I assume you only sleep face up.
Pif. Like STEVE SMITH can’t rape his way through a Serta Perfect Sleeper mattress.
Is he unaware of the great Glibening?
This was in The Before Times. Either a late 2014 or early 2015 meet-up.
STEVE SMITH ONLY WANT TALK NICE MAN SUGARFREE AND BY TALK MEAN… UHH, STEVE SMITH ONLY WANT TALK, TRUST STEVE SMITH, STEVE SMITH NOT REALLY RAPESQUATCH LIKE MEAN M… I MEAN NICE MAN SUGARFREE YES ONLY TALK…
Great. Armed robbery a mile from here. Desperado is armed and dangerous escaped into the woods. Sheriff came by a couple of hours ago to warn us. They had dogs and helicopters. Now the state police came by to double warn us that they have him hemmed in within less than a mile from here. Guy is desperate to no doubt steal a car and willing to kill for it. My usual small carry gun I keep handy has been replaced with a full size 1911 and a Win ’94. Kind of a pain in the ass. A spooky pain in the ass. All of my dogs are in the house so not likely he would get the drop on me. They go nuts if anyone comes around.
Shit. Stay safe Southen. And keep us informed.
Yeah, be careful. Glad you’re prepared.
I’ll second that.
Keep safe, brother! Hopefully this guy decides to end things peacefully.
Me too. I hope no one gets hurt and I hope they catch him soon, certainly before dark. This is our usual ‘girls night out’ but we cancelled. If the guy has a gun our dogs wont do much good if we are gone. Keeping everything locked up and eyes peeled. The dogs are my intruder alarm. If they dont catch him before tonight I wont sleep a wink. If he has half of a brain he will hole up somewhere, and there are plenty of somewheres, until dark and then try to slip away.
Suthen, just take your tank and run him down, I mean we know all libertarians have tanks, and your bazookas, you could just start randomly shelling in a one mile radius, you might get him… seriously though, be careful, hope they get the guy soon.
Good luck, Suthen.
Probably sounding like a broken record, but do stay safe. I’m glad to hear you’re prepared and not taking any chances. Best of luck.
Some part of you is enjoying this tho ?
A little adrenaline dump ?
I once had a double murder in the apartment building next to mine at the time.
Upon hearing the clip unload I took my 357 mag and crept around the corner to see a red Honda squealing out and two young women on the pavement. One was in a pool of blood and the other in what turned out to be a pool of urine.
I immediately retreated back to my apt to put my weapon up before I went back to help so that I didnt get cop shot.
No, not really enjoying it. I have been to the rodeo before. I dont care to go back. No adrenaline rush either. Getting all excited doesnt change anything.
Trust me when I tell you that boredom is greatly under-rated. You can take that to the bank.
“boredom is greatly under-rated”
Hear, hear. Just leave me alone.
Is it me, or does he look like Nick G’s younger brother?
That’s Nick without The Jacket. Lol.
But it’s magical Nick, he can even make TOS not look like a proggie apologist doucherag these days. They should bring in this version of Nick.
“Watch as I make libertarian commenters disappear!”
Even the old Nick could do that one.
And did.
F. Stupidity wins comment of the day. Afternoon coffee is good but a bit strong when it is in my nose.
“Rosanne!” Donald sang out in a cracking falsetto, “You don’t have to put on the red light!”
This…
*wipes tear from eye*
This is how it’s done. *chokes back another tear* This is how you build up to a climax.
This episode should be up for a Glibby when awards season rolls around again.
*shudders at thought of what award statue looks like*
If it weren’t for double standards, they’d have no standards at all.
http://datechguyblog.com/2018/05/30/if-only-roseanne-had-hit-the-appearance-of-sarah-palin-or-sarah-sanders-instead-of-valerie-jarret/
Except the Sarahs actually look like Human Women, the first time I ever saw a picture of VJ, I thought the same thing Roseanne wrote, Jarret looks weird, alien even
Or perhaps a burn victim.
These companies should get the policies they support good and hard.
https://www.mercurynews.com/2018/05/29/apple-google-headcount-taxes-three-silicon-valley-cities-just-the-start/
It looks like they are. I cant say I have much sympathy.
Someone remind me, is it Apple and Google who pass zoning laws preventing new housing construction and transportation? Or is it some other body?
No one will find this interesting except me, except its my favorite genre of music, and someone is making a documentary about it
*its not really a “genre”; its a category of recorded music that spanned ~3 decades and is a bottomless pit of cool stuff. its basically like musical ‘stock photography’ – much of it was disposable crap, but many of the composers involved were the best in the world; TV and film soundtracks of the 60s and 70s often involved bleeding-edge avant garde ideas, yet still trying to maintain instant-commercial-appeal. A lot of the coolest early synthesizer compositions were all for library music rather than trying to sell themselves to the public.
its basically hipster, record-collector shit. but still… often more pleasing than most hipster shit.
+1 Score Productions
KPM, Chappelle, Bruton, DeWolfe, Cavendish, etc. were the main labels, but there were smaller ones.
i also think when people mention “library music”, its generally referencing the European (UK, french, italian) producers of the 60s-70s, who may have appeared on any variety of libraries. iow, it wasnt really the *catalogs* that were so interesting, it was that these places were the places that ended up recording 1000s of crazy tracks by ~2dozen or so composers who were just mind-blowingly good
Ennio Morricone, for instance, would record batshit stuff for libraries when not composing specifically for film. The production libraries basically just said, “yeah, shit like that isn’t commercially viable, but we’ll let you record it here and we’ll publish it in the off chance someone wants to use snippets of it in a TV show”
I
1st tune dave allen at large
I love me some Barbara Moore.