Donald Trump does 1 thing at least 20 times a day
“This is just stupid. Just fake news. CNN fake news. I don’t complain about the Russia witch hunt 20 times a day. That’s just nonsense. No one believes that I would complain about this fake Russia probe 20 times a day. That’s preposterous. Who could even say something about that sort of slanderous nonsense 20 times a day! Ten times a day, maybe! Maybe. Crooked Mueller’s crooked investigation? 20 times a day? Never. That makes less sense than the fraudulent special counsel investigation,” Donald said. He was talking to a particularly erotic water stain on the ceiling of the Oval Office.
“Give me that damn phone!” John Bolton’s mustache growled as it chased the hat around the floor. It scuttled along on thin follicle legs after the hat, who had been strapped to the backs of four of the mustache’s feeder rats that had been set free. “NEVER!” the hat cried. “I write the tweets around here!”
“Stop praising Kim Jung-Un!” the mustache screeched. John Bolton’s body lay slumped over behind the couch, occasionally twitching and issuing streams of urine.
“Did you watch that fucking CNN story?” Donald asked. “I looked terrible. Lying Mueller probably has them put filters on the cameras to make me look worse. I should just fire him. He’s a terrible investigator and a terrible person and the investigation is just terrible. And I looked terrible. I looked 70-damn-years-old on CNN. It’s a witch hunt, the whole thing is a witch hunt and they are trying to make me look like a witch.”
“You should just turn the TV off, Donald,” the hair said. “It’s just making you angry.” He scampered down Donald’s arm and leapt to the desk.
“Don’t touch that TV. Don’t touch it. I have to keep an eye on the lies Mueller is having CNN tell about me. It’s all lies. Mueller probably put Stormy up to it. Mueller probably paid her that $130,000 dollars. Why would I pay her any money? I’m not a John. I don’t have to pay for pussy. I bet Mueller has to pay for it. Virgin Mueller the Whoremaster and his stupid crooked probe,” Donald said.
“At least let me turn it to Fox News,” the hair pleaded. The hat squealed and laughed as John Bolton’s mustache jumped to catch him, missed, and went tumbling under the settee.
“Where’s the FBI?” Donald yelled at the stain. “I want to see Mueller’s tax returns. I bet there are all sorts of pay-offs. Someone is paying him off. That’s the only reason he would be doing this. Hush money! I’d pay Stormy to tell everyone! I nailed a PORN STAR! How many guys can say they’ve done that? Not small-dick Bob Mueller and his false crusade that is his witch hunting all over me!”
“Mr. President?” the intercom crackled. “It’s almost time for the Jerusalem address.”
Donald slapped the Diet Coke button and yelled, “What Jerusalem address?”
“Other button, Donald,” the hair said. He grunted with effort and pressed the intercom button down.
“What Jerusalem address?” Donald yelled again.
“The one for the embassy being opened?” the intercom said.
“I’m not in Jerusalem, you ditzy broad!”
“The telecom address, sir. You sent Ms. Trump and Mr. Kushner as dignitaries?”
“Melania’s not in Jerusalem!” Donald said into the intercom. “I saw her skulking about in the Residence this morning. She laughed at my penis. Mueller made her! Mueller made her laugh at my penis!”
The hat ran his rats up the leg of the couch. He paused on the arm to laugh at the mustache struggling to follow. “I’ve never felt so free!” the hat cried out.
“Ivanka, Mr. President,” the intercom said.
“My God, isn’t she hot? I wish I could find a woman that hot. Right? Isn’t she hot?” Donald asked.
“Yes, Mr. President. She’s a very attractive woman,” the intercom said.
“Back off, bitch! She’s mine!” Donald snarled into the microphone.
The hat, astride his rats, ran the length of the back of the couch and leaped onto Donald’s desk.
Donald pounded the Diet Coke button a few more times. “What do you want?” he asked the hat.
“Show me how to turn on the camera! I want to take a selfie!” the hat said, suffused with manic glee.
“NO!” the hair yelled.
“I won’t tweet it out,” the hat told him.
John Bolton’s mustache shook on the couch, flecks of foam dripping from his mandibles.
“AH-HA! The camera!” the hat crowed in triumph.
“I need better TV lawyers,” Donald fumed. “Like L. A. Law TV lawyers. That’s with get Mueller running scared. Someone with Arnie Becker on his side would have to put up with such a witchy-witch hunt.”
There was a bright flash in the gloom of the office.
“Mr. President,” the intercom pleaded.
“Victor Sifuentes,” Donald mused. “No way Mueller could say I was racist with Victor Sifuentes on my side.”
“That was just a TV show, Donald,” the hair said.
“Oh, wait,” the hat said. “That’s not right. Wait. No! Unsend! Unsend!”
“This is just a TV show, numbnuts,” Donald said.
NIce! Action packed. Scuttled, Scampered, I’d hate to attempt to animate that. You’re just trolling CPRM, aren’t you?
LOL I get the Hat and Hair voices in my head as I’m reading these.
Hard-hitting journalism right there
Where are the vampires? I expected vampires. Great vampires. The best vampires.
Gotta call pie, pie has the vampires.
Quoted For Truth.
Virgin Mueller the Whoremaster and his stupid crooked probe,” Donald said.
Anal probe?
I’m curious to know what that erotic water spot looked like
Geezus H Christ. It’s like you’ve never seen a horror movie before. Don’t say things like that! SF will graphically describe it shortly. Or HM will link a video. And no amount of brainbleach will ever make you whole again.
Something like this?
SFW
Reads 2 posts above *so NOT clicking on that*
Ah, SugarFree, you demented genius. You never disappoint.
Can’t wait for an animated one including Bolton’s stache.
Sure. Stop violently attacking Israelis and it ends immediately. Palestinians bring this upon themselves and their apologists try to spin them as the victims. Another google news exerted headline was ‘victory for trump but complication for Middle East peace process’, as if 70 years of mostly non-progress is a process. Denial of reality has and is the biggest obstacle. Hey Arabs and particularly Palestinians, you fucking lost. It’s not coming back. Get over it. Move on with your lives.
CNN: ‘the dream of peace died Monday’ If it did, it’s because the Palestinians killed it, just like they did to Leon Klinghoffer or the Olympic athletes in Munich.
Just my own opinion I guess, maybe. But I seem to distinctly remember just a few short days ago, a story or two about some groups encouraging Palestinians or other ‘protesters’ to climb over the fence and just sort of a subtle unspoken commit acts of violence. Well, congrats, you just got a bunch of people killed for nothing, and yep, let’s just blame this one on Israel and call it a day.
I look at pictures of the “protest” with the smoke, the flags and the masks and I can’t help but think how much fun the protesters are having. “Fun” may too Glib (drink) but they are definitey enjoying it. It’s exciting, it’s manly and it sure beats standing around on shithole Gaza street corners. Life isn’t getting any better for them than this.
‘Both my best friends just got shot to death, I’m next! Don’t get any better’n this! Whoohoo!’.
I like the nighvision movies. Those are pretty good.
Spoilers: Idiots down one side of the fence mass up while armed Hamas operative try to get through down the line and get shot.
Do you mean to tell me that the “protesters” aren’t upper middle class students wearing pussy hats and carrying “clever” signs?
Hey Arabs and particularly Palestinians, you fucking lost. It’s not coming back. Get over it. Move on with your lives.
Except, even that’s too generous an assessment of the situation. Look, the Israelis would be nothing but delighted to resolve the Palestinian issue. The only problem is the Palestinians don’t seem terribly interested in resolving the Palestinian issue. If they decided that, en masse, that they really weren’t all that interested in killing Jews and were more interested in building up their own status and getting their own shit together, they’d probably have a country handed to them in five or ten years. But, to this day, they still hold onto the whole “from the river to the sea” mantra. The only solution they seem interested in is a final solution.
Ah jeez
+4 corny superhero movies, before they got all full of themselves
I loved those Superman movies. Damn.
(Livingston is a nice place.)
Granted… 3 and 4 were shit, but… 1 and 2 are classics.
+1 Black Christmas
Man, it’s been a long fucking day. Got up at 6am, went to work, meetings all damn day, not any of them went smoothly, all sort of unforeseen glitches and interruptions. Entire day felt sort of tortuous and unproductive. Then had to drive to join my wife and SIL at the super duper shopping outlet mall where they had already been on an all day shopping spree. At that point I’m feeling like ‘why should I be involved?’. Of course there was the requisite ‘We’re done shopping, let’s get something to eat!’. Hours later after I had already nearly died of starvation, finally got food and then had a 2 hour drive home. I’m a grouchy old fucker right now. Having a double shot of rye and hoping this makes me forget the suffering of the day and drift off before doing it all again (hopefully not all of it) again tomorrow.
You have my complete sympathy. Sounds like a gruesome day indeed.
I refuse to go to malls, especially outlet malls. /hates the entire process of shopping
Hear, hear. I hate shopping so much. In and out. If I wasn’t so into getting stuff NOW I would do all my shopping online.
I do practically all my shopping online. There are a few things here and there that I need to pick up someplace like Ace Hardware or wherever, but mostly, if it’s not available online, I don’t really need it.
I even do most of my grocery shopping online lately. We have two different grocery delivery services that serve my area. SO much easier to not buy and eat unhealthy stuff. It just doesn’t even make it into the house. (Unless OMWC goes shopping…)
It just doesn’t even make it into the house.
OMWC parks his candyvan in a detached garage?
“/hates the entire process of shopping”
I’m convinced this is the real reason G*d invented the internet..We only buy food and building supplies at stores any more. And the amount of food bought online keeps growing.
I have an issue with buying food online. Most everything else I will, and do. Since we mostly buy produce and meat, I don’t like anyone else picking that stuff for me.
Thanks for your sympathy, SP. Now I guess I’ll man up and realize I’ll survive. *groans and bitches to self in silence and solitude*
Sounds like the wife owes you some “special treatment.”
How do I put this gently….
YOUR FAULT
I’ve sort of been following this Seattle Times article for the last hour. It’s very active, maybe because it’s only 7:30PM there now? Anyway, is the Seattle times a right of far left rag, because the comments are nearly 100% negative about what the city council is trying to do / has been doing.
Tax them filthy rich, nothing could possibly go wrong!
LOL
Suckers.
It’s funny how all these wonderful socialist programs can only be supported by filthy rich capitalist pigs. Or the governments of filthy rich capitalist pigs. Seattle and Germany, take away the bad people supporting these wonderful socialist programs and what will happen?
No more inequality when everyone(*) is smashed down to the same starving level.
(*dachas and trappings for party elite, as always)
First, install brave new leader comrade numero uno. Next, stamp out all inequality by making everyone equally poor except dear leader and his family and friends. Oops, the economy is all fucked up now and there’s not enough fair share left for dear leader and company. Easy solution, make everyone more equal, except for you know who.
Well, to be fair, this measure will lead businesses to move out of Seattle. That will mean that well-healed renters will be looking for homes in places other than Seattle. That will probably lead to a decline in property prices and rents. So, in a roundabout way, I guess it is combatting homelessness.
The ST is left of center, put it in the “solid D” column. They are also in love with feeding at the public trough and in love with local companies that do so. The latest round of idiocy has stirred up all 200 Republican commenters this week, but they are outnumbered by the 200,000 commies that live in Seattle, and the 200,000 Dems that would never vote Republican if their lives depended on it. So we get Marxists on the city council.
Just reading how Meghan Markle will still need to take and pass Britain’s citizenship test, even after marrying the 6th in line to the throne.
Being the ruler of Airshit One is like being John Gill in the Star Trek Nazi episode. QEII has almost zero actual power but has to play the part in their kabuki monarchy farce.
I have no idea how anyone can be fascinated by that non-sense. Kings and Queens? For crikey sake, those inbred hicks are primitives. No fucking wonder they still don’t have common sense knife and acid control.
I kind of like the Queen because, I mean she’s like your grandma. But all the rest of ’em… Gah.
But what about Prince Charles? I mean, them ears man, you know he’s the best of the best line of fucked your first cousins, right? So he’s gonna be king. And he’s on a mission to save the planet. It’s takes centuries of inbreeding to save the planet.
He is a complete wastrel. I totally believe mom is hanging around just to do us a favor and outlast him.
Elizabeth at least understood her job. You’re supposed to make a few appearances, cut a few ribbons, give a big speech once a year, tap some people on the shoulder with your sword every now an then and otherwise pretty much stay out of politics much beyond “Yay UK!”. You’re not there to actually set policy or initiate grand causes. That all got decided a long time ago. And most importantly, don’t embarrass yourself. Your job is a combination cheerleader and tourist attraction. Don’t create any controversy that detracts from that.
I am off to comfort the wimpy 100 pound Velcro Dog who is cowering from the thunderstorm. I’m not sure she’d even take a pizza gift from Swiss, she’s that freaked out. (She’d probably still bark and snarl at Bacon Magic, though.)
‘Night, kids. Don’t stay up too late! It’s a school night.
Oh no!!!! Another derecho?
I can’t believe Louis Lane is dead. Another lust of my childhood gone. I guess Superman also being dead means he can’t spin the world backwards to bring her back.
Louis Lane? Did she transition, or did Superman swing the other way?
Dammit. Lois Lane.
Oh. My. G_D.
I laughed! I cried! The Bolton moustache !
Author! Author!
Interesting headline banner at Drudge:
Trump keeps promise
55 Dead in Gaza
Those are two different links.
I know. Just looks funny. Fake news!
I honestly that was “i want to pee on mueller’s tax returns”
which would have worked as well.
Seriously, this is magic. When it all ends, if Trump hasn’t Planet of the Apes’d us, this needs to be compiled and published so future generations can understand the absurdity.
Wow. On my second cup of coffee and links aren’t up yet. This timezone thing has got my routines all mixed up. Usually by this time in my day, there’s 300 comments and the post is just about dead/superseded.
How long are you in … St Louis, is it?
Til Friday. Yes, in St Louis or rather to the west of it out in suburban office park hell. The longest I spent here prior was waiting for a TWA connection.