The Hat and The Hair: Episode 83

by | Jun 20, 2018 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 246 comments

Sarah Sanders, Raj Shah planning to depart the White House

“Sarah might be leaving!” the hair said, reading off an iPad bolted to the wall. He was perched on the back of the Presidential Shitter, right under the sign that said “Presidential Shitter: Presidents ONLY!” The cold surface of the gold felt good on his intimate undercarriage after the swamp heat of the D.C. summer.

“Who?” Donald asked. He was lounging in the Presidential Hydrotherapy Tub, a Korean spa mask over his face.

“Your White House Press Secretary,” the hair said.

“What? My what?” Donald asked.

The hat was bathing in the Presidential Sink, rubbing himself with a bar of Presidential Soap and humming “Camptown Races” softly.

“The woman we send out to talk to the media, Donald,” the hair said. “The big one. The one that could stand to learn to lie better?”

“I don’t know who you are talking about,” Donald said dismissively. He began to rub his nipples and moan.

“What are you doing, Donald?” the hair asked carefully.

“I am moisturizing my nipples,” he said. He rolled in the tub, his ponderous weight creating waves that slopped water out onto the Presidential Bathroom floor.

“Proper nipple moisturization is key to nipple health and longevity,” the hat said.

“And is very important for a youthful nipple appearance,” Donald added.

“Are you telling me that you don’t properly moisturize your nipples?” the hat asked with feigned incredulity. “What are you, poor or something?”

“I don’t have nipples,” the hair said, “And neither do you.”

“But unlike you, I would take care of them if I did,” the hat said. He hit the Presidential Hot Water Knob with his bill and began to rinse himself.

“I…” the hair began.

“Take care of your nipples,” Donald said dreamily, still rubbing his nipples in ever-slowing circles. “They might just be the only nipples you’ll ever have.”

“Donald…” the hair started.

“I love it in here,” Donald said. “So warm and inviting. This is my favorite place in this dump.”

“It sure cost enough,” the hair muttered.

Ignoring him, Donald asked, “How long am I supposed to leave this thing on?”

“Beats the turds outta me,” the hat replied. “The whole package was in Korean.”

Donald grunted and leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

“But what about Sarah?” the hair asked.

“Who?” Donald asked again, the slit in the mask over his mouth tightening.

“Pie,” the hat said, turning the water off. “He’s talking about Pie. Pie is going to quit.”

“What?” Donald asked. “Why? Why would Pie leave? She’s always been given plenty to eat.”

“Yeah she has…” the hat said lewdly.

“It’s a tough job, Donald,” the hair said. “It’s hard to go out there and be hated by almost everyone.”

“Who hates Pie?” Donald asked. “Everyone loves pie. Pie is delicious. Pie is better than cake. Cake is fake news.”

“The cake is a lie?” the hair asked.

“Shut up, 2008,” the hat snapped.

“This mask is getting sort of itchy,” Donald said.

“We should bring back Hope,” the hat said, dragging himself across a Presidential Hand Towel. The hand towels were stacked under a sign that said, “PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH DOWN TOILET.”

“Yes!” Donald groaned loudly. He stretched out in the Presidential Hydrotherapy Tub.

“Hope Hicks,” the hat said, lost in a memory. “Now there’s a girl that looks good all covered in blood.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

246 Comments

  1. kinnath

    Pie. Nice warm apple pie!

  2. R C Dean

    I can’t even pick a favorite line this time around.

    • Riven

      Reminds me of Firefly. Every line is just… pure genius. Perfectly quotable.

  3. PieInTheSKy

    Hei ! Keep me out of your sick literature.

    • SP

      See below. Some of us think of you kindly.

  4. Riven

    “They might just be the only nipples you’ll ever have.”

    Maybe if you’re some kind of underachieving waste of space they’ll be the only ones you’ll ever have!

  5. Creosote Achilles

    The hat was bathing in the Presidential Sink, rubbing himself with a bar of Presidential Soap and humming “Camptown Races” softly.

    I know it is mild by SugarFree standards, but that one made me giggle like a schoolgirl. I think sometimes gems like these give the more…outlandish parts their piquancy.

    • straffinrun

      It is nice when SF gives us a look at his tender side.

      • Creosote Achilles

        I can understand the reluctance to show one’s tender side, what with STEVE SMITH lurking about it could be dangerous.

      • Swiss Servator

        ALL SIDE TENDER WHEN STEVE SMITH DONE!

      • Bobarian LMD

        ESPECIALLY INSIDES.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Beat me to it. That section had me laughing.

      • Tundra

        + many looks from people passing by

    • MikeS

      Agreed. Camptown Races was a damn nice touch.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    “Now there’s a girl that looks good all covered in blood.”

    As if there is one who doesn’t.

  7. SP

    Relevant. Seen in Bozeman last week.

    • Swiss Servator

      American relatives of PieInTheSKy?

      • Gustave Lytton

        I can’t believe I have to do this…

        It’s PieInTheBigSKy.

      • Tundra

        Talk about a high hanging curve…

      • Old Man With Candy

        Being married to me, SP has extensive experience in being the straight man.

      • SP

        But that would imply you have punchlines.

      • Old Man With Candy

        Why are there no Jonestown jokes?

      • Lord Humungus

        *raises hand to add comment, thinks better of it*

      • AlexinCT

        Spiked Kool-aid?

      • Old Man With Candy

        “The punchline is too long.”

      • SP

        And then what happened?

      • Old Man With Candy

        I spanked an unruly child.

      • Hyperion

        “I spanked an unruly child.”

        Did the child get candy before or after?

      • Old Man With Candy

        She has to earn her candy.

      • SP

        I was hoping *someone* would.

    • commodious spittoon

      Profitable ideas exchange? What kind of commie crap is that? How ’bout you exchange some of them dolla dolla bills for my ideas.

      • SP

        Bozeman. Duh.

    • Endless Mike

      I’m headed back to the Bozone this weekend to visit the boys – every time I go back, there is something new… and weird.

  8. straffinrun

    “Yeah she has…” the hat said lewdly.

    Oooh, foreshadowing, I hope.

  9. Psycho Effer

    ” Tundra on June 20, 2018 at 7:02 am

    Police said on Tuesday afternoon, Maruna arranges to meet the officer at a location in Austintown, telling him that he is bringing lube, Sprite and chicken alfredo.

    There will be no weirder sentence read by anyone, anywhere today.”

    Really, Tundra? Did you really think that SugarFree wouldn’t pick up that gauntlet?

    • Tundra

      And yet, the Retard Romeo is still weirder to me than Presidential Nipple Moisturizing.

      God help me. SF has wrecked me forever.

  10. Gilmore

    Ok, i am officially a bad person now, because i laughed at this and didn’t stop for a few mins, as the joke expanded in my mind

    e.g.


    Right Wing Watch
    ‏Verified account @RightWingWatch

    Gavin McInnes says that child detention centers look “like a fun place to hang” and wonders if we’re giving the children there “too much food”

    In my mind, Gavin would have a photo w/ caption: “NEW HIGH TECH CHILD DETENTION CENTERS POPPING UP ALONG BORDER

    • Creosote Achilles

      I made a classic mistake and posted on Facebook that the only people responsible for parents and children being separated is the parents, the politicians that prioritize using their “suffering” for political power over addressing immigration, and the people that advocate open borders. It has been shared by several friends and then by their friends.

      Anyway, my left BiL responded with a smartass ‘I found a used, broken moral compass in the back of the closet, I think it might be yours?’. So I responded with ‘Why do you support child sex trafficking?’

      • Hyperion

        “left BiL”

        The left part of that phrase can be translated as ‘A person who cannot be reasoned with’.

      • AlexinCT

        it absolutely will not stop until it has virtue signaled harder?

      • Hyperion

        So, you’re saying he won’t be marching in the streets with 100 million other Americans to save the chillins?

      • AlexinCT

        Sounds like he will grandstand and shame anyone that doesn’t, but himself have an excuse like a colon cleaning he “HAS” to attend…

      • Creosote Achilles

        He’s otherwise a nice guy and we don’t get into it politically often. I think maybe once or twice in the 11 years I’ve been married. But he lives in Brooklyn, and works in Manhattan and has the ACLU picture as his profile pic.

        The best part is the whole point of my original post was that trying to use manipulative emotionalism in place of a sound argument wasn’t going to work, and then he responds with that. *shrugging stickman* What ya gonna do?

      • SugarFree

        He’s otherwise a nice guy and we don’t get into it politically often.

        “He only hits me when he drinks.”

      • Creosote Achilles

        Hahahaha.

      • SP

        LOL

      • Old Man With Candy

        I made a classic mistake and posted on Facebook

        End the sentence right there.

      • R C Dean

        Good thing I scrolled down before posting this exact comment.

    • SP

      That is *nothing* compared to what I thought about something posted on the site yesterday. OMWC even agreed that it was WAY too snarky/dark even for Glibs, so I didn’t post the comment.

      And, you were already a Bad Person. This is just more evidence. 😉

      • Gilmore

        “” WAY too snarky/dark even for Glibs””

        is that… even possible?

        And you say this on a *sugarfree* post. MY GOD WHAT DEPTH OF HORROR ARE YOU CAPABLE OF.???

      • Hyperion

        I’m calling unpossible until I see said comment.

      • SP

        You never wondered why I’m “in charge” around here? It’s because I’m the vilest of the lot.

        You’ve all just fallen for my nice act.

      • AlexinCT

        It’s always the ones that act nice…

      • Rasilio

        We just figured it was because you were too busy with 4th grade

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m only left speechless because I’m failing at finding the right way to say “If you think this is dark, you’re sheltered”.

      • Gilmore

        ” you’re sheltered”

        Just like those honduran migrants

      • commodious spittoon

        Well, now that you’ve mentioned it you can’t leave it to our imagination. You know what happens when we’re left to our imagination?

      • MikeS

        Yep. We will [redacted] until someone [redacted]!!!!11!!!

      • Creosote Achilles

        Goddamnit.

      • Chipwooder

        This reminds me of HM saying that someone from here said some truly horrific things elsewhere but wouldn’t reveal who it was.

        Or maybe he did and I just wasn’t paying attention.

      • Creosote Achilles

        Oh for Pete’s sake, you beat me to it too.

      • Hyperion

        It was me, I’m busted.

      • SP

        Maybe it was ME! Ever think of THAT???

      • Jarflax

        and you posted the vile stuff on sesamestreet.com?

      • Jarflax

        Was anti snufflupagus bigotry? or homophobia against Bert?

      • Hyperion

        Probably something about what Big Bird should suffer at the hands of STEVE SMITH.

      • Drake

        I like to think I’m consistent in my villainy.

      • Creosote Achilles

        We start naming [REDACTED] as a racist? Even though it is actually [REDACTED]?

      • Suthenboy

        ” it was WAY too snarky/dark even for Glibs”

        Does not compute.

      • Old Man With Candy

        I admit I laughed, then immediately agreed, “Yeah, best not to post that.”

      • Jarflax

        looks at avatar, reads comment, looks at avatar, reads comment, looks at avatar, reads comment, tries to compute, explodes, dies….

      • Ted S.

        We’re all bad people for posting at Glibs, aren’t we?

  11. Raven Nation

    OT: on the brief exchange in the morning links about the Raiders of the Lost Ark scene. There are some claims that a s-f short story was the genesis for that idea. It was written by a guy who looked set to become famous but disappeared from writing shortly after the story. I can’t remember the name of the story and, as I’m out of town, can’t look at the book I have with the story in it. Not sure how valid the claim is, but it’s interesting.

  12. Hyperion

    Peter Fonda

    Fortunately for him, he’s a lefty, so he gets to apologize and nothing else happens.

    • MikeS

      Fonda said “Kristjen Nielsen is a lying gash that should be put in a cage and poked at by passersby.” He continued, “The gash should be pilloried in Lafayette Square naked and whipped by passersby while being filmed for posterity.”

      So woke!

      • MikeS

        He gets woker!

        SS (Sarah Sanders) is a lying gash, too,” Fonda said, “And “gash” is much worse than cunt. Maybe we should take her children away and deport her to Arkansas, and giving her children to Stephen Goebbels Miller for safe keeping.

      • Hyperion

        Why are these Hollywood personalities so mad? Are there some illegal immigrant children on their lawn?

      • Creosote Achilles

        No, but I bet some of them were being trafficked and if you believe Pizzagate and QAnon and all that, maybe Peter Fonda is worried about his supply drying up.

      • Hyperion

        Well, he’s getting none of my orphans, they’re busy.

      • MikeS

        Not unless they are weeding the flower beds.

      • Hyperion

        But they’re being paid $15 an hour, right?

      • Bobarian LMD

        In total… probably.

    • Creosote Achilles

      Can you imagine if someone had said that about Malia or the other one?

      • Hyperion

        It’s ok when they do it, because they mean well.

    • Swiss Servator

      “Sony Pictures is releasing a movie starring Fonda in a matter of days called ‘Boundaries.’”

      HAHAHAHAHAHA!

      • MikeS

        Someone call Alanis Morissette

      • Tundra

        She’ll be right here as soon as she fishes the fly from her Chardonnay.

      • Gustave Lytton

        So trying to stir up publicity and fake controversy for his latest movie?

        Peter Fonda is forever living under the shadow of his father. And probably always will at this point. His daughter is a better actress

    • SugarFree

      I thought he was dead. And not in a cool Plissken sense.

  13. Hyperion

    Nicaragua

    Nicaragua to edge out Somalia as top libertarian destination?

    • Drake

      Is a guy using a homemade grenade launcher in one of the pictures?

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Profitable ideas exchange?

    What’s really weiurd about it is “profit” is an epithet in Bozeman. Anybody who does anything with the intention of making a profit is a blood guzzling parasite. You might as well be named Hitler. Or Trump.

    • Hyperion

      Sounds like the residents need to take a good hike in the mountains. *here’s some bear spray*

      • Creosote Achilles

        BEAR SPRAY NOT STOP STEVE SMITH. JUST ENCOURAGE.

      • Hyperion

        Exactly

      • AlexinCT

        Aphrodisiac?

      • Creosote Achilles

        THAT HUMAN WORD FOR IT.

      • Bobarian LMD

        YOU EVER MAKE BEAR SQUIRT? STEVE HAVE.

      • commodious spittoon

        HIKER WANT USE BEAR SPRAY FOR LUBRICANT? WHATEVER. HIS FUNERAL.

    • Swiss Servator

      Still holding grudges about the Copper Kings, are folks there?

      • Hyperion

        It’s a little strange. Last time I was around there, I guess it’s been 15 years though, all I ran into was cowboys, rednecks, and mountain men type. It doesn’t seem much like snowflake territory to me.

      • Swiss Servator

        Not snowflakes, but more 19th Century Wobblies types.

    • SP

      Right?

      I’m pretty sure the folks at the brewery where we met you are hoping to make a profit. Probably.

      • Hyperion

        It is free trade beer? Are the workers making $15 an hour and do they have gender neutral toilets? These are all the important things I want to know before consuming a beer.

      • SP

        Unknown.

        But I didn’t consume any beer just in case. THAT will teach them!

      • MikeS

        You are devious!

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Fonda said “Kristjen Nielsen is a lying gash that should be put in a cage and poked at by passersby.” He continued, “The gash should be pilloried in Lafayette Square naked and whipped by passersby while being filmed for posterity.”

    No punitive vindictive gang rape? Or is that just to be assumed?

    • Chipwooder

      I’ll give Peter Fonda this much – at least he used the correct plural of passerby. That’s something positive, right?

    • Bobarian LMD

      No punitive vindictive gang rape?

      That’s what he meant by ‘poked at’.

      • Chipwooder

        STEVE SMITH POKE AT PEOPLE ALL THE TIME!

    • Hyperion

      How could they be guilty? They were just assaulting right wing Nazis! How could that be a crime? Thug on!

    • The Other Kevin

      Exactly. This is like the opposite of a hate crime.

    • UnCivilServant

      They weren’t ruled innocent, they were adjudicated not guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. From the sounds of it, the evidence was thin due to a lack of objective records of the events.

    • Drake

      That didn’t take long. That jogged my memory.

      I did a search for James Alex Fields Jr – the Charlottesville driver. Literally no news on the guy this year. I wonder if he’s being memory -holed because there is no way he’ll be convicted of murder.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Sarah Sanders should tweet Fonda a gif of Terence Stamp from The Limey, out there in the street telling, “Tell him I’m coming! You tell him I’m fucking coming!”

    • Chipwooder

      Hah! I had forgotten all about that movie. Fonda was such a fucking shitweasel in that movie – must have been an easy role, he just played himself.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Yelling, not telling.

    tuping is hsrd.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    I’m pretty sure the folks at the brewery where we met you are hoping to make a profit.

    That’s different. Because reasons.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    It doesn’t seem much like snowflake territory to me.

    Oddly enough, the snowflake infestation is most noticeable in Missoula and Bozeman, homes of the University of Montana and Montana State, respectively.

    • SP

      Huh. That *is* odd.

    • mikey

      Missoula feels like California or Seattle to me

    • MikeS

      Isn’t that a coincidence?! In North Dakota the snowflakes congregate in Grand Forks and Fargo, homes of the University of North Dakota and North Dakota State, respectively.

    • Chipwooder

      A guy I knew a while back was from Kalispell, and according to him it was infested with hippies.

      • SugarFree

        Kalispell is the version of Godspell for goth Hindus.

      • SP

        If I admit I laughed, would it only serve to encourage you?

      • SugarFree

        I doubt I can stop. It’s a sickness.

      • SP

        Woohoo!

      • This Machine

        Yugat a really good sense of humor, SF.

      • Chipwooder

        Mola Ram approves!

      • CPRM

        -1 heart

    • UnCivilServant

      It’s too late to start seasoning the pork after the cooking’s done!

      • Drake

        Maybe the barn was made of hickory and we just need a little for dipping?

      • Creosote Achilles

        That is the kind of optimism that we need in these difficult times.

      • Hyperion

        Sounds right to me, just slather some on, it’s roast pig for cryin out loud! We could totally eat that pig!

  20. Drake

    Crooked-faced spinster breaks down in tears over Obama’s immigration policies.

    I haven’t seen acting that bad since Corey Booker pretend-cried over some other thing I can’t remember.

    • Creosote Achilles

      I haven’t seen acting that bad since Corey Booker pretend-cried over some other thing I can’t remember.

      Didn’t he cry over Trump calling some African shit holes, shit holes?

      • Drake

        Does Booker know Newark isn’t in Africa?

      • Chipwooder

        He’ll check with T-Bone on that one and get back to you.

        I still can’t believe that a man who invented a fictional crack-dealer buddy and made him a regular feature in his speeches was still elected to high office. NJ, man.

      • Drake

        Bob Menendez is going to be reelected in November. It doesn’t surprise me.

      • Brochettaward

        Hey, it wasn’t just Africa. Central America was thrown in there, too. You know, the countries that are so awful that its downright inhumane for us to send people back to them and which we use as comparisons to mock America’s uncivilized barbarity compared to Europe. But definitely not shitholes. Don’t you dare call them that.

  21. Hyperion

    Left Wing Extremists

    Wait a minute… they mean right wing extremists, right? I’ve been told there is no such thing as a left wing extremist. Did someone not get the memo?

    • SugarFree

      Think about how extreme they have to be to be considered left-wing extremists in Germany. Their right-wingers are still socialists. A left-wing extremist in Europe must be actively starving some Ukrainians in his basement to catch a label like that.

      • Hyperion

        Must be, that caught me completely off guard.

      • Chipwooder

        They affectionately call their backyard “Kolyma”

    • Hyperion

      We learned it from you, CNN, we learned it from you! *runs sobbing from building*

      • MikeS

        I use that line a lot and almost always get a blank stare or a weak (and fake) “I got it” laugh.

    • Chipwooder

      Damn! I was just showing up to link exactly that.

      Boy, who could have seen that twist in the Manafort story coming?

    • Gilmore

      if not clear

      https://imgur.com/a/wGUAkbu

      ABC News has apologized for a graphic it aired on former Donald Trump campaign official Paul Manafort.

      The network did not reveal the nature of the error or what the graphic said. However, multiple eagle-eyed viewers posted screenshots on Twitter that showed a graphic that read “Manafort Pleads Guilty to 5 Charges of Manslaughter.” Paul Manafort has not pleaded guilty to anything, and he has not been accused of manslaughter. The graphic shared on Twitter is false.”

      “We regret the error.”

      how many stages does a piece of info have to go through before it runs as “BREAKING” on live television? do interns just go, “BREAKING: Ur Mom” every now and then?

      the question isn’t so much, “sorry for error” but wtf was the process that actually leads news orgs to claim, “X person is a murderer” without any basis in fact?

      • Hyperion

        What I’m curious about, is how does a guy in solitary confinement, murder 5 people? He must be a real badass.

      • Chipwooder

        The first lesson you learn in the clink – do NOT fuck with Paul Manafort. The man is a maestro with a shiv.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Only 5 that can be proved, according to sources familiar with the prosecutors.

      • Suthenboy

        I thought they were just familiar with the prosecutor’s thinking

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Correct. I stopped typing too soon.

      • Suthenboy

        What is the process? The staff there are filled with Peter Strozk type attitudes top to bottom. The lowly interns and people putting that stuff together in a relatively high stress atmosphere are joking around or passing venom about Trump around among themselves and somebody accidentally uploaded it. OOPS!

        Now we know who is going to pay Manafort’s legal bills.

      • kinnath

        Way back in the old days, Time ran an article that was highly critical of President Carter. Apparently, some place holder made it through to print.

        The header was “More Mush from the Wimp”.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That wasn’t a mistake.

      • Gilmore

        I know: which makes me wonder … how fucking dumb are they?

        what possible gains are there for slandering Manafort for…what, 5 minutes, before you’re exposed and it just erodes your institutional credibility further?

        there’s zero upside. but they keep doing it. its like they’re drug-addicts.

  22. Brochettaward

    Someone mentioned Firefly earlier, and it made go down the rabbit hole of assholes discussing its unintentional political slant. There was one article from that dumb cunt at Frankly Curious, but this one was actually entertaining:

    In fact, Alliance space seems pretty awesome. First off, it’s a democracy, as evidenced by the existence of a Parliament. People actually get a say in who governs them, as opposed to the outer rim. They have public heath care (as evidenced by the Alliance troops escorting medical supplies in the Train Job) and freedom of religion

    https://jaykristoff.com/2015/02/09/newsflash-the-firefly-guys-were-villains/

    North Korea has elections and a Supreme People’s Assembly. SUPREME, people!

    • UnCivilServant

      I don’t believe those troops were actually escorting the supplies. They were not guarding the passage, blocking people, or even watching the box. The troops on that train were passengers, not guards.

    • kinnath

      This is up there with Luke being a terrorist (except that was satire, I think).

    • Raven Nation

      ” it’s a democracy”

      The last time I checked, there are only four countries in the world which claim to NOT be a democracy: Brunei, Burma, Vatican City, Saudi Arabia

    • CPRM

      Hey, the alliance even invented a drug to make sure all the people were happy. Heart’s of gold.

      • Not Adahn

        *pines longingly for Heart of Gold to be a real place one could visit*

    • Brochettaward

      Mal knows dick all about the Alliance. We’re never given any evidence that he’s spent time living in controlled space. He was a Browncoat footsoldier. A front line grunt. If the future is any analogue of the present, the dudes who get sent out to the front line to fight? They’re the poor. The uneducated. The expendable. The people who fall for the propaganda machine’s spin because they’re never taught to question. In all likelihood, Mal was convinced of the wrongness of Alliance control in the exact same way that troops who participated in the invasion of Iraq were convinced of the wrongness of the Hussein regime – a carefully orchestrated campaign of complete and utter bullshit. And the poor lad bought it hook line and sinker, suffered a traumatic and life-changing front line slaughter experience, and limped away from the war convinced that the Alliance leadership – every last democratically elected one of them – are a pack of fucking Stalins.

      I’m sure there’s some contradictions in my beliefs. Blind spots. But I can’t imagine ever typing up a paragraph like this.

      Only the stupid ignorant poor people fight for the governments that allow society to exist!

      • kinnath

        Someone please put this dude out of his misery. What a loathsome life he must lead.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Meh, You get things like this every so often. The Empire in Star Wars were the good guys, etc. It can be fun to look at things from different angles. I wouldn’t take it seriously.

  23. Not Adahn

    I like the batcave labels.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    According to sources close to the President who are familiar with his thinking, the President’s response was, “If he did, those people deserved it.”

  25. The Late P Brooks

    Think about how extreme they have to be to be considered left-wing extremists in Germany.

    Bader-Meinhof?

  26. Suthenboy

    Had a brief discussion earlier this week with a 20-something about ‘those darned kids today’. I argued that the over sheltering was not going to serve them well. He countered with ‘we are just making the world a better place’ and that mine and previous generations neglected to do so.
    During the entire discussion his high-minded arguments were punctuated with the most hateful vitriol. Two things I tried to point out: A. I was so relieved to learn that rose colored glasses had finally been invented, and B. The anger and hatred he was expressing was going to poison all of his high-minded ideas, just like it has every generation before. This was met with even worse vitriol.

    Peter Fonda’s and DeNiro’s over the top hatred spewing is what got me to remember that. They are the high-minded, the compassionate, the ones filled with good intentions. That is why their ilk put corpses in open pits.

    • commodious spittoon

      Once again, I can’t help but feel some relief for going to a community college for a technical degree. Not many of t.hose mush-brained, scornful little shits polluting instruction time with political tripe. I don’t mind generally dumb people. But I can’t stomach spending time around high-handed, combative dumbasses.

    • AlexinCT

      Nothing is worse than a snowflake with a marxism driven god complex.

    • MikeS

      “When I tell you my yoni is like a 16-year-old, I’m not kidding,” she quipped. “It looks like a little beautiful peach.”

      I’ll be in my bunk.

      • Q Continuum

        Fuck that “yoni” shit. SPEAK AMERICAN.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Would you prefer “gash”?

      • Q Continuum

        Please. Spasm chasm. Fuck muffin would also be acceptable.

      • MikeS

        I assume fur burger is right out.

      • kinnath

        Hadn’t heard that one for a while.

      • Naptown Bill

        Axe wound, anyone?

      • AlexinCT

        Smelly clam?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Hair pie?

    • CPRM

      Her vagina spends all day tweeting? Time to team it up with the hat for a buddy comedy.

      • The Other Kevin

        It’s also an Istagram model.

      • Q Continuum

        *dispatches FBI to Smith’s house for distributing kiddie porn*

    • Psycho Effer

      She looks more like she’s 56 than 46. Wouldn’t.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      No wonder her son is all kinds of fucked up.

      “Mom! For the love all that is holy, please stop talking about your vagina!”

    • Ted S.

      Pics or not real.

    • AlexinCT

      Will Smith must not be pounding that hard enough..

  27. Q Continuum

    Question:

    I can understand why Dems and Lefty partisans would use the “CHILD AUSCHWITZ” stuff as a wedge issue. However, why are moderates/non-partisans/conservative tardbuckets now accepting the Left’s false outrage premise and going all in on the “Trump is ripping families apart!” narrative? I thought it was pretty clear that:

    1. This is a legislative policy that at least two previous administrations followed
    2. It has to be changed legislatively (which the Dems are blocking BTW)
    3. This practice is for the children’s protection against trafficking/violence/predation by adult detainees
    4. You accept the risks to your children when trying to sneak them in FFS! Don’t tell me these people don’t already know the score; word travels fast and they’ve been pre-coached on what to expect by coyotes as well as open borders NGO reps

    I honestly don’t know what the conditions are like and I don’t know how bad it really is. But this is the problem with having your fake outrage meter permanently pegged at 11. When you’re doing nothing but crying wolf all day, every day, it’s pretty difficult to distinguish when something actually bad is going on.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      However, why are moderates/non-partisans/conservative tardbuckets now accepting the Left’s false outrage premise

      The focus group testing on the issue obviously indicated it got traction, which is I assume why the media has been balls to the wall all over it.

      They’ve been hunting and searching for that one issue that would give them the poll results they wanted. It was only a matter of time before they found something that moved the needle a little their way.

      The moderates et alia are simply scared shitless. They accept the premise because they’re terrified of the negative publicity.

      • Naptown Bill

        I think you’re right. It’s one of those things where you can tell the peanut gallery that this is a legislative issue and say things about the rule of law, easily-foreseeable consequences, personal responsibility, etc., but all they’re gonna hear is, “We hate brown children! Put them in cages! Make them cry!”

        I also think that there are a number of people in the GOP camp who are loath to shut down the whole “pen and phone” precedent. The argument the left is making is that, yes, this is the law, but the president can just not enforce it or issue executive orders that countermand it and we’ll all give a nudge and a wink and pretend it’s fine. The executive seat tends to switch between both parties pretty regularly now, and I think there are swamp creatures wearing the red jerseys who don’t want to get people too interested in limiting executive power when they’ll likely be in a position to use it again in the future.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They don’t give a shit about the balance of power between the branches or the law in general. They only care about getting re-elected.

        That goes for all of them, unprincipled goat-fuckers that they are. They make Trump look principled by comparison, think about that for a second.

      • Gustave Lytton

        the president can just not enforce it or issue executive orders that countermand it

        Until a rando federal court judge rules that the President has to continue an unlawful EO that his predecessor issued.

    • Q Continuum

      Related:

      http://thefederalist.com/2018/06/20/4-things-media-wont-tell-border-crisis/

      “It’s hard to overstate the extent to which Mexico has become a failed society. As my colleague Ben Domenech noted earlier this week, 113 political candidates have been murdered in Mexico in less than a year. Just last week, a mayor running for Congress across the Rio Grande in Piedras Negras was gunned down while taking a selfie with supporters after a campaign debate. Fifty relatives of politicians and candidates have been killed, and 132 officeholders, mostly at the local level, have been threatened.”

      Yeah, this is the exactly the kind of situation we shouldn’t protect ourselves from. Who cares if our next door neighbor, and the neighbors a couple houses down, are quietly moving toward a Civil War? We don’t need to worry about a massive humanitarian and refugee crisis, the collapse of a major Western Hemisphere economy and brutal violence in our backyard! Utopia waits for no one!

      • SoberPhobic

        Rhetorical of course. How much “tolerance” will be given for undocumented AR15s? Asylum seeking opioids?
        Repressed nazis?

      • Hyperion

        I think we had better be thinking ahead here. The current political situation looks like in a few short years, we will have a Venezuela on our border. If you think they’re desperate to get out, wait until their own version of Maduro gets done trashing what is left of the economy. Right now, you can bet that the Canadians are saying their prayers that there’s an entire huge country between them and Mexico.

      • Ted S.

        Trudeau thinks they’re better than Italians.

      • Suthenboy

        This has been in the back of my mind a lot lately, concern over what is going to happen in Mexico and the implications for us. Looking back and at the present events are following the usual pattern. It wont end well.

    • Hyperion

      “I can understand why Dems and Lefty partisans would use the “CHILD AUSCHWITZ” stuff as a wedge issue. However, why are moderates/non-partisans/conservative tardbuckets now accepting the Left’s false outrage premise and going all in on the “Trump is ripping families apart!” narrative? I thought it was pretty clear that:”

      For the Democrats, it’s a WIN/WIN.

      More poor uneducated people on welfare who will vote for Democrats to keep the free shit train going.

      MS-13 type gang bangers who they can team up with antifa to terrorize those who refuse to wear the ribbon(vote democrat).

      For the Republicans, it’s the same reason as why a Republican governor (Hogan) just signed up on the prog wagon to not send troops to the border. They love illegal immigrants, their donors, wealthy business owners in blue states, can hire these peasants for pennies on the dollar and work them half to death. What are they going to do, take the owners to court? They have 3 or 4 fake IDs.

  28. R C Dean

    In the previous thread, SoberPhobic proposed this:

    Build the family detention centers IN the wall. 2 birds at once.

    What a great idea. Put doors on the Mexican side of the border, and leave them unlocked, so they can leave any time they want.

    • Psycho Effer

      The Chinese could build a wall to keep out Mongolian hordes over 2000 years ago, FFS! Not that it worked that well. We are all about nostalgia these days, so why not build the Great Wall of Trump and fill it with all the border facilities we need. If you can put a courthouse in the Eagles football stadium, you can put one in a border wall.

      • Drake

        …and fill it with all the border facilities orphan factories we need.

      • Suthenboy

        You forgot about the alligator moat.

    • SoberPhobic

      +1 for the improvement. maybe put in slides for the upper floors.

      • AlmightyJB

        Could outsource daycare and education to privately run Christian organizations. That’ll really piss off the left.

      • SoberPhobic

        I’d insist on catholic priests

  29. Gadianton

    Aaaand, he caves.

    • Trolleric the Goth

      still not going back to catch and release, though

      • Gadianton

        True. Looks like he went for RC Dean’s option 3.

    • Hyperion

      “He said his order would not end the “zero-tolerance” policy that criminally prosecutes all adults caught crossing the border illegally”

      You mean he did a token gesture to shut people up. Which of course, will not work, nothing will shut up the wailing shreeking left. They don’t care about kids, they just want more votes to usher in their socialist utopia.

      • Gadianton

        Valid points all.

      • Hyperion

        I’m not sure, to be honest, just exactly what to make of this. It’s sort of vague. So Trump signs something to keep families from being separated. What does that mean? If the parents are arrested, how do they keep them together? I guess we’ll see. Honestly, I don’t see Trump much budging from his immigration stance and I don’t see Democrats ever being happy with anything as long as he’s president.

  30. Gilmore

    Hollywood Reporter gets *heavy*

    movie guy tortures, murders his GF in crazy story.

    HR probably not the best source for coverage, but then ‘real’ news outlets are full of 20-somethings doing TDS blogs, so maybe they’re the last of the real journalisms

    my guess / quick read on the story is dude was not schizophrenic. this was pure evil shit. i only say that because people tend to be so quick to connect extreme behavior to “mental illness”. this doesn’t suggest that for variety of reasons.

    • commodious spittoon

      Show me the man, I’ll show you the crime mental illness.

      /twitter psychologists

    • Suthenboy

      There is a pretty wide, fuzzy line between evil and crazy. It’s really just two different tones of the same color. It is clear there was some pretty twisted thinking involved here.

      • Gilmore

        “”There is a pretty wide, fuzzy line between evil and crazy. It’s really just two different tones of the same color””

        I disagree.

        Most mentally ill people aren’t violent. more than “most” – they are often less prone to violence than sane-people.

        the most severely mentally ill, the 1% of 1%, can be extremely violent; but their conditions are often so severe that the illness is a primary defining characteristic. It is rare you have someone who has never exhibited any symptoms, suddenly jump from “c’est normale” to “scalping their girlfriends” in a period of less than 1yr.

        and in cases where people DO have a schizoid break, the behavior during that break period bears very specific hallmarks of disordered thought – iow, they don’t generally show any signs of ‘thinking ahead’ or ‘trying to protect themselves’, or ‘hiding their deeds’; those are all exhibitors of ordered, rational thought.

        the problem is that assumption that evil people are crazy is that we want to believe that “health” is equal to “good”. Its not. Evil, and moral degeneracy is completely independent of the health one’s mental faculties. A person can be an amoral psychopath, and be as ‘sane’ as you or I.

        The desire for this *not* to be the case is so incredibly strong that it is very difficult for most people to accept it. Rarely does anyone come to the conclusion without spending lots of time around the mentally ill, AND close contact with people convicted of very violent crimes. I’ve only really had the former experience, but people i know (prosecutors, cops) in the latter category often come to similar understanding.

      • Suthenboy

        Interesting and complex subject that has been beaten to death by smarter and more learned people than myself. First of all there are all kinds of different crazy. In general they are divided into organic (schizophrenic for example) and inorganic (personality disorders). One seems to be, to me, dysfunctional activation of circuits, probably because of improper growth of receptors or secretion of incorrect activators resulting in hallucination. These people are seeing a world that you and I cant so their behavior is completely unpredictable exhibiting violent behavior or not. They are the most dysfunctional because they do not see the world as it is.
        Personality disorder is a different animal. I suspect it is mostly learned, resulting in bad wiring. They sense the same world you and I do but respond inappropriately. For socially functional people Stimulus A activates response B. For the personality disorder stimulus A —> X because of bad wiring. They can also be missing certain wiring entirely. These categories can be divided into smaller and smaller groups down to individuals. Eventually this discussion becomes a semantic game.
        Does ordered and rational equal sane? I dont think so. Does functionality equal sane? I dont think so. In this example I would guess Leibel had the notion that if he personally experienced the kinds of horror he writes about he would be a better writer. A dedicated artist. If that is true we have no way to know how long that idea has been lurking and growing in his mind. It is ordered and rational thought, but not sane. He would be perverting his priorities and now we are wading off into the swamp of ethics, a place I loath to go because it is nearly impossible to avoid circular reasoning.

        There is no one that does not exhibit some degree of one or more of these categories, organic or inorganic. Thats why I say two tones of the same color with a wide fuzzy line. What it boils down to is a question of what the kind of society we want can tolerate and still function. Call him crazy or not, I dont want this guy out there walking around free with god knows what other monster growing in his head.

  31. Hyperion

    The thing about the children being separated from their parents. I doubt all of them are with the parents. When my wife worked for a company that regularly hired illegal immigrants, she knew 2 mothers who had paid money, I think it was like 4 or 5 thousand US dollars for their children to be smuggled here, by professionals, AKA coyotes. That shit is real, no one is making it up. So yeah, probably not all of them are with their parents, but with human smugglers. They were already separated, by the parents, who left them with a relative back home and came here so they could later smuggle in the children. But it’s Trump’s fault, no doubt.

    • The Other Kevin

      Sex trafficking is a big issue lately too. While a lot of it is BS or mischaracterization of prostitution, it is very possible for someone to kidnap a kid and smuggle them over the border. That’s another thing that would be very hard to sort out, especially with people who have no documentation.

      • Hyperion

        When my wife told me that, I was almost in disbelief how someone could trust a total stranger to escort 2 teenage girls all the way here from South America. I suppose people really do get that desperate. Like you are saying, the person could have raped them at will or even killed them and dumped the bodies in some desert and no one would even have known about it.

    • Gustave Lytton

      If they get here before 18, they can become a Dreamer or at least suck public benefits & schooling for years.

    • Suthenboy

      Nielson said that of the 12K or so kids in custody 10K of them arrived either unaccompanied or with someone other than a family member. That, among other things, is what makes this whole outrage so absurd.

      • Hyperion

        See what I posted about the mothers who paid to have their kids smuggled here. After they came here, illegally, and earned enough money to do so. I sort of have to suppose that is not uncommon.

        Only the very dumbest of Americans could be swayed by this fake caring from Democrats.

        It’s just that when your serfs get all uppity and refuse to be victims to be taken care of, they start going out and getting jobs and stuff, you just need to import better serfs. Only then can we give the people the utopia we know they need. /Democrats

      • Psycho Effer

        You’d be surprised how many highly intelligent people will believe really stupid shit to make themselves feel like they are virtuous.

      • Brochettaward

        The number, per Newsweek, was actually double at different points in the Obama administration. His lax policies encouraged more parents to send their children here alone.

        It’s almost like the current immigration status quo is kind of dangerous…

      • Hyperion

        Apparently, the law in question, was signed by Bill Clinton in 1997. Obama then right out in the open encouraged illegal immigration in any way possible. So now, all of that is Trump’s fault. Makes sense.

  32. AlexinCT

    Which of you Glibs asked this question?

    • Hyperion

      The answer is no, but hair will grow on your palms, duh, everyone knows that!

      • AlexinCT

        Phew, I can shave that.. I was worried about going blind..

  33. Brochettaward

    Just saw Maddow’s attempt to cry over the childrenz. Best part is in the middle when the tears won’t come, and she asks them to put up a graphic. She appears to want to give up for a moment before she recommits to wrap the segment up. Anything to get the camera off her so it wouldn’t become even more apparent that not a single actual tear was in her eye.

    • Hyperion

      I think Obama used to spray pepper sauce in his eyes to get a crocodile tear to flow. She should try that.