The Hat and The Hair: Episode 91

by | Aug 8, 2018 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 230 comments

City of West Hollywood calls for Trump Walk of Fame star to be removed

“See now that I looks tasty,” Donald murmured to his reflection in the floor-length mirror. Hankering, gross, mystical, nude, he touched himself like Walt Whitman. “I is,” he grunted. “I is,” he grunted, ejaculated. The hat laughed; the hair screamed. Shrill jazz played in a nearby room, saxophone farting like a barge. Donald collapsed.

“My star,” Donald moaned. “Don’t take my star.”

“We won’t let them,” the hat said, perched on bust of Caesar.

“We won’t let them,” the hair said, rustling on his head like dry grass.

The record in the other room started over again, squealing and bleating and blat, blat, blatting, the lowing of lost cattle.

“What is love?” Donald asked from the floor.

“It’s, uh, a feeling, Donald.” the hair said. “A closeness you have with other people.”

“Love is sixteen milligrams of Dilaudid,” the hat said, his tongue thick with memory.

“A nameless whore,” Donald said, curling into a foetal ball. “A nameless whore you don’t have to pay.”

A trumpet, a trumpet, a trumpet screeching out.

“My star,” Donald moaned. “Don’t take my star.”

An enormous shadow passed by outside, darkening the room briefly. The hair shivered. Birds beat frantic wings against the window sill. The glass shattered and a dry wind poured in.

“Donald!” the hair shouted as the gale whip him around. “Donald, where are we going?”

“The press briefing room,” the hat said.

The record stopped, the wind stopped, and Donald held his breath in the oppressive silence.

“What is hell?” Donald whispered.

“Hell is the impossibility of reason,” the hat intoned.

“That’s from Platoon, asshole,” the hair said.

“Fine,” the hat snapped, “Then you tell the man what hell is.”

“Hell is a golf resort in New Jersey,” the hair said dolefully.

An animal keening rolled out over the resort, filing the greens and sand traps, the clubhouse and the 19th hole. There was nothing but holes now.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

230 Comments

    • Raven Nation

      Ugh, sorry to see that.

      That’s what this part of CO looked like over the 4th (when I was not here). When I got here about a week later, it was still horrible and the smoke has been a thing up until about a week ago.

    • Rasilio

      That looks like someone took a picture of gods anus

  1. Creosote Achilles

    I thought hell is other people?

    • SP

      Except SugarFree.

      • Creosote Achilles

        Well. Clearly. He’s a national treasure.

    • AlexinCT

      Second that emotion CA!

    • Pan Zagloba

      David Lister of Red Dwarf responded to it with “Yeah, but Sartre’s mates were French!”

      But I like Death from Terry Pratchett’s Small Gods the best

      “Death paused. YOU HAVE PERHAPS HEARD THE PHRASE, he said, THAT HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE?
      ‘Yes. Yes, of course.’
      Death nodded. IN TIME, he said, YOU WILL LEARN THAT IT IS WRONG.”

    • The Other Kevin

      Stay safe Yusef!

    • DOOMco

      Be safe. Good luck

      • Playa Manhattan

        We’re all counting on you.

      • MikeS

        Surely you can’t be serious.

    • Creosote Achilles

      Definitely time to get out of Dodge. Be well.

  2. Don Escaped Texas

    OT

    https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/11-year-old-girl-shot-with-taser-for-shoplifting/ar-BBLEiPu?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

    “Cincinnati Police have launched a review after one of its officers used a Taser against an 11-year-old girl accused of shoplifting from a grocery store. The officer, who was working as an off-duty detail at the store, shot the child in the back after responding to reports that several female juveniles were allegedly stealing items from the Kennard Avenue Kroger .
    According to a statement from the department, the officer fired the stun gun after the girl repeatedly ignored his commands to stop when she turned and walked away from him.”

    That sounds very reasonable to me.

    • R C Dean

      Oddly, the officer’s name is not mentioned in the article.

      I expect answers in 24 hours.

      You’re a funny guy, Vice Mayor.

      • Hyperion

        Oh, he’ll get answers. Procedures were followed, good shoot. Officer made it home safely, gets a promotion.

    • Florida Man

      Yeah, but did she look 18?
      /ghost of Tamir Rice

    • Creosote Achilles

      Our brave heroes in blue. At leas the went home safe that night.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        yeah, I hate cops, but, full disclosure: I’m a grocer’s son with my own history of shoplifter tackling. Stealing from a store seems a lot like “please tase me, bro.”

      • wdalasio

        It’s an interesting question. As someone with a little experience, what would you say is a reasonable middle ground?

      • Tundra

        Don’t steal and you won’t get a beat down.

      • AlexinCT
      • Drake

        A classic.

      • robc

        Tasers should be considered deadly force. If you wouldnt shoot, you shouldnt tase. A shoplifting kid doesnt fall into that category for me.

      • R C Dean

        Don’t have a lot of sympathy for the thief, here. Play stupid games, etc.

        That said, what kind of fat lazy fuck can’t run down an 11 year old girl to arrest her? Although she’s probably more likely to get hurt in that scenario. Regardless, can’t let thieves just walk away.

      • Rhywun

        Regardless, can’t let thieves just walk away.

        NYC begs to differ.

    • Hyperion

      She could have been on mareejuaner. You can never tell what an 11 year old girl on mareejuaner is capable of. She may have pelted him to death with ding dongs. The officer made it home safely, that’s all that matters.

      • SugarFree

        “See this scar on my hand?”

      • WTF

        “This is where I had to backhand an 11-year old girl and cut myself on her teeth.”

    • Chipwooder

      Our heroes!!! That little girl won’t try that again!

  3. Florida Man

    This is all hell now, we livin’ in it
    But this bullshit’ll be over in a minute

  4. Don Escaped Texas

    very OT

    My next step in golf is my third set of irons: I’m headed out to be fitted this afternoon.

    Escaped Jr went off to college, New Wife and I took the plunge, and now life is all about me having fun. Over the past two years I’ve played at least one round every week, dropped 8 strokes from my handicap, dropped 8 strokes off my best round ever, and I’ve outgrown the game improvement sticks that were part of that journey.

    Mostly, though: at 53, my swing speed is the fastest it has ever been; I make the proper turn and moves, I’ve got tons of lag, and I’m at the lower end of the professional range. That means that my shafts that fit me two years ago (standard) need to be replaced (with stiffs). And I’ll move up to a more workable clubhead while I’m at it.

    I will be patronizing a sole proprietorship: fun to see my bucks going to a small shop run by a family man.

    • creech

      I’m a bit older than you and I, too, need to replace my shaft with stiffs!

      • Psycho Effer

        Wait, what?!

    • Tundra

      Sounds like fun! I’m in my 19th season of golf retirement. I played a ton when I was younger but not once since the summer of 1999.

      I still don’t miss it enough to start again.

      • R C Dean

        I played golf almost every day until I got my driver’s license, and not one day since.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      That would be a field with some tough competition. But I think the nominations are truly ridiculous. If they were to make an award show out of this it might be one worth watching.

    • Suthenboy

      Get govt money out of academia and this horseshit will come to a screeching halt.

      • wdalasio

        Exactly. A free market for education would provide both lower prices and more worthwhile content.

      • Violent Sociopath

        Yep. Even half-measures, like limiting government-guaranteed student lending to majors that actually produce employable graduates, would go a long way towards eliminating the navel-gazing rot in the humanities.

  5. mexican sharpshooter

    “See now that I looks tasty,” Donald murmured to his reflection in the floor-length mirror. Hankering, gross, mystical, nude, he touched himself like Walt Whitman. “I is,” he grunted. “I is,” he grunted, ejaculated. The hat laughed; the hair screamed. Shrill jazz played in a nearby room, saxophone farting like a barge. Donald collapsed.

    That’s it. I don’t care how hot it is in my attic. I am finding where Sugarfree installed the hidden cameras.

    • SugarFree

      You cannot escape my all-seeing eye.

      My very unfortunate, all-seeing, apparently-lidless, and not able to look away eye.

      (Please stop eating Chipotle.)

      • mexican sharpshooter

        CHIPOTLE

        I thought you people knew me.
        *runs away crying*

      • jesse.in.mb

        *casually flips through a sugar-beet colored grimoire that just happens to be in his desk at work*

        To ward against dark pancreomantic arts such as the Eyelet of Langerhan, one must sprinkle sugar* on all of the windowsills and on the front and back porch near the door.

        *mix in a little Borax avoid ants

  6. SP

    SugarFree continues to be my favorite. I love surrealism!

    • Tundra

      Existential surrealism, even.

      Hell, pictured.

    • Mad Scientist

      But, how do you know it’s surrealism and not realism?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I thought maybe you were paraphrasing, but no.

      Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the NYT editorial board.

      • Hyperion

        They’ve completely dropped the mask. Now they’re penning articles outright promoting socialism with images that are very reminiscent of something straight out of the former USSR.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        It’s always the Russians with you people.

      • Lord Humungus

        So… Russian hacked the election. But we want to be more like Russia, circa 1920-something?

        Righhtttt…. it’s like the derpiest book ever made.

      • Hyperion

        We want to be more like Russia when it was the Soviet Union. The current Russia isn’t commie enough, so we hate them. They ruined the commie dream, so now we’re going to have to do this on our own.

    • Chipwooder

      So damn edgy

    • Lord Humungus

      You know who else was equated to Hitler… before it was cool.

      • Suthenboy

        I notice that none of these self-identified socialists equating Trump/Trump voters to Hitler note that the name of Hitler’s party was the National Socialists.

      • WTF

        IT WASN’T REAL SOCIALISM!!!111!!!

      • Hyperion

        It sounds like overall, last night went very poorly for the far left in the primaries. So disappointing. But maybe this works out great after all. When November rolls around a lot of dejected leftists run their own candidate or run this as Green Party and steal a bunch of potential wins from the Democrats. The pants shitting over Russian bots the next day would be too epic. I’m stocking up on beer and popcorn.

      • Suthenboy

        It is only a couple of months away but like a kid waiting for summer vacation it seems forever away. I cant wait.

      • Troy

        Same. I can’t wait. Im building a tolerance to all the schadenfreude since the the election of God-Emporer Trump

      • R C Dean

        Well, let’s not forget the Republic gift for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

        I do wonder what having the woke socialist line-up go down in flames will do for Dem turnout in November. I’m sure their establishment candidates are more electable, but if the lefty base stays home and pouts . . . .

      • Hyperion

        “if the lefty base stays home and pouts . . . .”

        Better yet if they run their candidate as a Green. Delicious Russian Bot flavored prog tears, nummy.

      • The Last American Hero

        The Seattle Times predicted a Blue Tsunami in November. Not a wave, they said “GOP needs to sound the Blue Tsunami siren.” I don’t pretend to know what will happen, but I’m fairly certain that headline is going to get shoved up their ass in November when they fail to take the Senate and win a 2 seat majority in the House.

      • Lord Humungus

        “I do not at all wonder that British youth is in revolt against the morbid doctrine that nothing matters but the equal sharing of miseries, that what used to be called the ‘submerged tenth’ can only be rescued by bringing the other nine-tenths down to their level…”

      • Hyperion

        There’s a revolt? I thought the youth there are all in on rule by Brussels and more refugees. I mean that is what the media is reporting.

    • Endless Mike

      (Looks at watch) Yeaaaaahhh… It’s been sixteen minutes already.

    • Playa Manhattan

      That’s some good video.

  7. ChipsnSalsa

    Posted this morning links but reposting to make sure you see this.

    attn: Commodious

    re: AutoCAD

    I would be careful running a Student Edition file through a commercial licensed Auto CAD software. A group within my company had a major snafu with that. We received a file from a customer that was marked as student edition and copy pasted some of that stuff into our drawings. Then our drawings got marked as student edition, and it spread like the plague our vendor had to do some backdoor stuff to set it correct.

    • commodious spittoon

      Just saw that. Thanks for the heads up. The files I shuffled between my student edition at home and whatever edition they use on campus never plotted with a watermark, but I also never plotted from home.

  8. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Shrill jazz played in a nearby room

    Truly Hell

    • Lord Humungus

      I was going to guess Albert Ayler, or John Coltrane’s Free Jazz.

      • The Last American Hero

        I was guessing Sun-Ra. Because space is the place.

  9. Hyperion

    ““Hell is the impossibility of reason,” the hat intoned.”

    Sounds like the left getting total power to me.

  10. Hyperion

    Now we’re finally getting to the important stuff. Who cares about jobs or the economy when we can have this. Maybe she does a rain dance and it rains rainbow colored skittles.

    Step aside, fake White Squaw!

    • Hyperion

      We’re going to need a name since this one is probably going to replace She Guevara in the NYTs latest puff pieces heroine.

      • Q Continuum

        Chief Carpet Muncher?

      • Hyperion

        Princess Heap Big Strapon?

      • trshmnstr

        Strapontheweiner

      • AlexinCT

        What does the Fredo Corleone of the democratic party have to do with this girl? Or is the joke that I am missing that Fredo likes them older and not into men now?

      • Rasilio

        Dances with Beaver?

      • Hyperion

        +1 I think we have a winner. But I’m waiting to see someone top that.

      • Suthenboy

        Winner.

      • trshmnstr

        Chief Munching Rug?

      • trshmnstr

        Dammit Q!

      • MikeS

        Sitting Bull Dyke?

        She Who Scissors?

      • Hyperion

        Lol, Sitting Bull Dyke is pretty good.

      • Tundra

        Stands With Fist Dripping

      • Desk Jockey

        Lacadaweiner? Sacswithdabeaver?

      • AlexinCT

        This thread reminds me of the joke about a young papoose asking his father how his people name their offspring. The father goes into a long rant about how it comes down to the parents always referring to an event that occurred during the time of conception. Gives him the example that his eldest brother is named Stormy Night with Thunder and Lightning because that was happening at that time, and his sister was named “Full moon on a cloudy night” because that was going on when she was made. A bit of a silence follows at which point he asks the kid “Do you understand this now broken rubber?”….

    • Suthenboy

      Don’t give them hints.
      I dont see anything about tranny bathrooms in there. We should demand to know her position on tranny bathrooms and people that identify as hippopotami.

      • Rasilio

        what about people everyone else identifies as hippopotami?

      • AlexinCT

        I am a silver dragon with a penchant for human females!

    • Lord Humungus

      Republicans hold all four Kansas seats in the U.S. House, but Democrats hope to flip two of them in November.

      Kansas Kansas?

      • Q Continuum

        Yeah good luck with that. Especially running someone like her.

      • Hyperion

        So disappointing them rednecks. Michigan is apparently sending the first Muslim woman to Congress. They’re truly woke, everyone needs a little shariah to go with their communism.

      • Mojeaux

        I don’t think I’ve read anything scarier than this comment in a very long time.

      • AlexinCT

        Her religion allows that…

      • Q Continuum

        What the?

        I can’t follow that story…

        She married her brother for immigration reasons? She actually had children by her brother? WTF? I don’t understand.

      • AlexinCT

        They had to prove to the INS that they were “really” married, so the best way to do that was to make kids?

      • Suthenboy

        I cant make heads or tails of that. I also am unfamiliar with the culture she is from.
        It is a big mistake to think other cultures have the same ideas (private property), values (dont fuck your siblings, dont tell lies) or that marriage means the same to them as to us.

        Also I get the feeling she is one of those liars that muddy the water so badly that you cant make sense of the story and thus cant sort out truth from falsity.

      • Hyperion

        “She married her brother for immigration reasons? She actually had children by her brother? WTF? I don’t understand.”

        Maybe why inbreeding is so high in some Muslim countries.

      • Q Continuum

        Belief that all cultures are equal is naïve in the extreme. Barbarians and savages are by no means limited to any particular region, religion or ideology; however it’s also naïve in the extreme to not acknowledge that certain regions, religions and ideologies seem to harbor and inculcate more barbarism and savagery. As far as I know, there is also only one region and one religion that’s experiencing a fair amount of success forcibly dragging its people back to 7th century values. Not acknowledging the superior results of Western, liberal ideals seems foolish at best, suicidal at worst. Europe is learning this lesson the hard way.

      • Hyperion

        “Also I get the feeling she is one of those liars that muddy the water so badly that you cant make sense of the story and thus cant sort out truth from falsity.”

        I believe that lying is not only not frowned upon if it furthers the cause, but actually encouraged. She’s the perfect Democrat.

      • The Last American Hero

        Those dragon eggs aren’t going to hatch for just anyone. Gotta keep the bloodline pure.

      • Hyperion

        But, Q, Sweden is so close to proving that diversity is always good.

      • Tundra

        Pope Jimbo has been covering this story like a prayer rug. The chick is hinky as hell, but nothing will happen. She simply checks too many boxes.

      • AlexinCT

        I guess the people that get her as their rep deserve her. The rest of us will just have to pay for their stupidity…

      • Raven Nation

        KS-3 includes KC, KS and was held by the Dems from 2002-2010. KS-2 includes Lawrence & Topeka; it usually votes R but the Dems held it 2007-8. It’s not likely to flip but, if there is strong D turnout, coupled with anger over Brownback’s policies, it’s possible it will flip.

    • Lord Humungus

      I thought insider trading was a congressional (both state and federal) perk.

      • Suthenboy

        I thought so too, I am not clear on the rules.

      • AlexinCT

        Republicans are not allowed to do it in dominated blue states.

    • Suthenboy

      Must be a republinazi.

      Sadly NY will only replace him with a different Dem.

    • Playa Manhattan

      The guy is absolutely fucked.

    • CPRM

      Collins, who is one of the wealthiest members of Congress, was the first member to publicly endorse Donald Trump during the 2016 presidential campaign. He also served on Trump’s transition team.

      Berman said prosecutors were mindful of the upcoming midterm election but added that did not color the timing of the indictment. Collins’ Democratic challenger, Nate McMurray, called the charges “shocking and sad, but not surprising.”

      • Viking1865

        Ted Stevens and Bob McDonnell welcome Chris Collins to the club.

      • RAHeinlein

        Southern District of New York, no way political timing played a role.

  11. Hyperion

    We would never try to buy votes, is that wrong?

  12. The Late P Brooks

    I played golf almost every day until I got my driver’s license, and not one day since.

    Now there’s an abstruse euphemism.

    • Hyperion

      “got a degree from Berkeley”

      That explains the entire thing.

      • AlexinCT

        Exactly my reaction. It seems that Ivy league schools, unless you do STEM, are all but guaranteed to put out a woke idiot.

      • Hyperion

        Sadly, I believe the only cure in most cases, is the point when they’re up against a wall thinking ‘Wait, this can’t be happening to me, I’m one of the right thinkers!’.

      • AlexinCT

        That was the best thing about Obamacare for me. Watching the ream of idiots that thought socialized medicine would end up being paid by rich people only (meaning not them), get stuck with the bill…

        That sort of “welcome to the real world you idiot” moment warms the heart.

      • Violent Sociopath

        Even STEM is no guarantee. I’m a hiring manager at my company; I recently went through a round of interviews to backfill an IC position. One of the candidates was a fresh CS grad from Stanford, and despite being white as the day is long himself, couldn’t hide his woke disgust at the fact that the team today consists of three white guys.

        Irony: I ended up hiring a female Indian candidate instead of that assclown on the basis of technical merit alone.

      • AlexinCT

        Good move.

      • Violent Sociopath

        That’s really the thing that makes me crazy about this nonsense. My agenda as a hiring manager isn’t to make the world a better place or increase the representation of women or minorities in the industry; it’s to hire the best available candidate for the job. If that happens to be a woman or a minority, that’s fine with me. If it doesn’t, that’s also fine with me. But to hire an un- or underqualified individual for the sake of satisfying some social justice imperative is to effectively set our investors’ money on fire.

        If our investors want that, they can tell me. Until they do, I’m going to assume they’d prefer that I spend their money with some prudence and parsimony, and go on hiring the best available candidate for the job.

      • Hyperion

        It’s amazing how many Indians and Asians have approached me and asked me what the hell is wrong with the crazy Americans. And they’re talking about the leftists. They realize something is very wrong, but because they haven’t actually experienced it before, they don’t get it. So then I have to explain to them about first world problems and then tell them to never vote for Democrats unless they want that shit 24/7 and to be a lot poorer when they are taxed half to death. They totally get it. Sure, there are plenty of woke among them as well, but only the ones who were educated here, but most of them seem to be not into it at all. It’s mostly white progs from wealthy families causing all of the trouble in society. They really need to experience what it’s like to struggle just to feed yourself and your family, and then actually work hard and struggle to get ahead. That might cure them. But instead they are handed everything by their rich Democrat family and told they can do no wrong. Then they get sent to a liberal U and that finishes the indoctrination so that they can then go out in society with that attitude and poison the waters.

      • Troy

        These types of White men remind me of Jews who were in denial even when they were being herded into gas Chambers.

      • Psycho Effer

        You should have a followup interview with him and ask him why he thinks he deserves to take a job away from some other-kin.

      • Q Continuum

        “You should feel very proud of yourself for losing that job to a female POC! You get 3 woke points!”

      • AlexinCT

        WHERE IS THE FUCKING RENT MONEY, BEATCH?

      • Caput Lupinum

        Exactly my reaction. It seems that Ivy league schools, unless you do STEM, are all but guaranteed to put out a woke idiot.

        The exception that proves the rule: I know a woman that got her bachelor’s at one ivy, is attending another ivy for her masters, her fields being history and education, raised in New York City by immigrant parents from South America, and is not one but three different minorities, and she’s a staunch libertarian. I was able to convince con her into dating me by quoting Milton Friedman from memory.

        She would agree with you though, most of the people she interacts with are outright communists.

      • AlexinCT

        Exceptions do happen, but they are rare and worth their weight in gold.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I think he’s spot on. Jeong is an opportunist. She’s playing the role that gets her the attention she desires. Look at Sarkeesian for God’s sake, she runs a fraudulent charity that supports her career of being a shrew. As a reward for such activity, Twitter hires her to be that role for them.

  13. Creosote Achilles

    Ugh. I am a generalist. I do not know what specialization means, perhaps to my career detriment. Not crying about that, I’ve put my money down and I’ve taken the ride and so far it’s all worked out relatively well. I’ve done operations/continuous improvement (I have a dreaded Lean/Six Sigma blackbelt I keep current). I did consulting and moved into project mgmt (PMP & Scrum certs). From there I got involved in Finance working with systems for analysis and modeling. I’ve managed maintenance guys and floor workers in manufacturing, developers and testers and BAs, and FPA analyst types.

    My new job that I took is different though. I’m in charge of a small companies BI which at this point mostly means automating a bunch of reporting that they’ve been doing manually since sometime after the The Great Oxygenation Event. To that end I’m trying to teach myself SQL beyond the simple query and join stuff I know while also learning this second rate BI visualization and reporting software package they have.

    Some days are fun. When I am able to work and pull it all together. I’m discovering I like this type of … well, I don’t know that it is true coding, but whatever, it is sort of development type work. But other days are like today where I am banging my head against the desk trying to make the god damn SQL just do what I want it to do. I’ll figure it out, eventually, and they don’t seem to give much of a shit if it takes me a while, so there’s that. But sweet, dark Nyarlathotep can it be frustrating.

    • AlexinCT

      Heh, always tell people the computer is only smart enough to give you exactly what you asked for. SQL, depending on the platform can be quirky, but it helps to have a good understanding of relational databases and setting up joins and conditions. Easier set than done however. Just avoid Cartesian products man. 🙂

      • Creosote Achilles

        I’ve got a decent understanding of relational databases and basic joins and conditions. During the financial modeling part of my career I had to understand what data was available and how to marry it up for reporting/KPIs and all that crap. But I mostly have had people to do that work for me though, so more complicated things, like building a view with pieces of data from five different tables that are all sort of connected is beyond my previous experience. I’ll figure it out and it will probably be a kludge but it is better than what they have and they are going to pay for more training so it’ll eventually be better.

      • AlexinCT

        Sometimes it is more expedient to build an intermediate table view and then produce the final off that (or even a second or third layer of intermediate results, if necessary) if the system is complex and you are trying to debug the process. Once it produces what you want you can collapse it again. Have not done much SQL as of late, but the trick is to start from the basics to validate you get what you want, and then collapse it into complex but more effective/efficient code.

        Getting a second set of eyes can often also make a difference, as you can miss simple typos or mistakes when debugging your own code.

      • Creosote Achilles

        That’s exactly the approach I’m taking. I’m back to mapping things out more clearly before I start dividing it into pieces and then putting it all together. Thanks for the suggestions.

      • AlexinCT

        Sounds like you already had that going, so it leaves me confident that with your “can do” attitude this is just a question of when sir.

        Also remember that sometimes walking away, even for a few minutes, and coming back can give you a totally fresh perspective. You have no idea how many times I have spent hours fighting something only to walk away and come back and instantly find the issue (whether of my own making or otherwise) simply because of the fresh mind perspective.

      • Ted S.

        When I was writing some Perl code for my own needs, I’d comment out the braces just to make certain everything was matched.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I recommend the usage of one entity-attribute-value table for everything.

        *ducks*

      • AlexinCT

        You need to be beat with a rubber hose man 🙂

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Wife has got that covered already.

      • AlexinCT

        Kinky…

      • Creosote Achilles

        My man. The rubber hose beating I mean. Not your suggestion. Some things are a bridge too far even for me.

    • Hyperion

      I spent almost my entire career doing everything there is to do in the IT world. Now I’m more of specialist in developing solutions with certain tools, like .NET and SQL. But I still get to do some other stuff. If people realize you can do something, you’ll get to do at least a little of it, no matter if it’s your primary skill set or not.

      • Nephilium

        And that’s how I got to train supervisors and managers at the company I’m supporting basic reporting and phone system stats. It doesn’t help that they have their own jargon which collides with the telecom world jargon.

      • Creosote Achilles

        Yeah. I took the job because it paid well, i have the skills to learn it, and Richard Branson’s advice “If someone asks if you can do it, say yes and figure out how”. It’s working out so far. And like I mentioned, I’m finding it surprisingly engaging once I figure out how to make it do what I want it to do. I’m a pretty logical, analytic thinker so I know how to structure it. I simply don’t have the syntax down yet, but I’m picking it up.

      • Hyperion

        I like the Branson quote. Sort of reminds me what I say to people often, only joking of course. If someone approaches me and says ‘Can I ask you a question, if you know?’. And I answer ‘Sure, don’t worry, if I don’t know, I’ll make something up’.

      • AlexinCT

        Always tell them it will take 10x as much so when you do it in the regular time they think you are a genius?

      • Creosote Achilles

        I’ve liked it simply because of the attitude it expresses. Someone up thread was talking about enthusiasm and I think it encapsulates that. maybe not the right response for something like brain surgery…

    • Nephilium

      If you don’t mind me asking, what’s the BI package? I may have some experience with it.

      • Creosote Achilles

        A product called Information Builder’s WebFocus. I’d never even heard of it before. I’ve used Tableau, Qlickview (or however it is spelled), Microstrategy, and Cognos running on top of/in concert with TM1. I’ve got training scheduled this month, next, and the following.

      • Nephilium

        Sorry, not one I’ve dealt with before. And some quick searching on the name returns a bunch of hits from their website, and very few anywhere else. Enjoy the training. At least you’re doing a better job then the reporting “expert” they had at the last company I worked at. When I pointed out the reports they were sending out on call stats were wrong, the response was, “They’re close enough.”

      • Florida Man

        I’m a little BI-curious myself.

      • AlexinCT

        Easy there sir…

        next you will come out about being into inter species erotica or something..,.

      • R C Dean

        what’s the BI package

        I guess it depends on whether they have had the surgery yet?

      • AlexinCT

        Business Intelligence..

        Not that these tools have a lot of that in them way too often.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Don’t read YouTube comments, Styx is alright though.

      • F. Stupidity Jr.

        Well, in general, you are correct. Certain channels get better comments than others, and I thought that particular comment was far, far above YT standard.

      • Q Continuum

        Nice android avatar. Right down in the middle of the uncanny valley.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It makes my skin crawl so I thought I’d share.

    • Hyperion

      Youtube comments are some of the very worst. Right up there with Politico and NYT. Just a different flavor of stupid. Typically something like ‘You’re a fagoot!’ to whatever the topic is.

      • F. Stupidity Jr.

        NYT comments remind me of Beavis and Butthead. A recurring theme of B&B is that Butthead would always consider himself smarter than Beavis, even though he was, at best, no smarter than Beavis.

        The oozing condescension from NYT commenters comes off like that. Only, we’re not Beavis.

      • Q Continuum

        Present Glibs company excluded of course, and at the expense of collectivizing, all the most provincial people I’ve ever met in my life are from NYC. There is no significant difference between the small town bumpkin who’s never been outside his county and the Upper East Sider who thinks that the world ends Columbus-style at the Hudson.

      • AlexinCT

        If you want comment gold you look at this

      • MikeS

        I guessed right!

        I once spent nearly an hour in those reviews.

      • Nephilium

        I believe these Amazon reviews are superior.

      • Hyperion

        That one is good. The toy drone one is also one of the best on Amazon.

      • MikeS

        OK…same shirt, different seller.

        I see even the manufacturer has now gotten in on the fun:

        Infused with irresistible, brooding lone-wolf power, proven to attract the opposite sex

      • Q Continuum

        Methinks someone should compile a book of all the most amusing Amazon reviews. There is some high quality stuff in there.

  14. Hyperion

    Who is the genius who came up with the child proof zippers to prevent people from eating Tide pods? Can’t there just be a section in stores for adult children? Fortunately, I’m smarter than Tide pod zipperlock genius. I cut the bag open and pour them into the plastic tub I bought them in and keep around just for that. Take that shit, zipperlock!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      How are we going to improve the gene pool if we keep preventing idiots from accidentally killing themselves?

      • Hyperion

        Exactly what I think.

      • LJW

        Accidentally?

      • Hyperion

        When you stick that fork into the electric outlet because your best bud dared you, you learn to not do it again. When you decide you’re Evel Knievel and attempt to jump the river on your minibike and break an arm and dislocate a shoulder, that’s how you learn. I don’t want to live in a society where adults don’t know better than to eat tide pods because they were never allowed to be children.

    • AlexinCT

      Very woke brah.

    • MikeS

      This turns Mr. Yuk into Mr. Sad

    • Tundra

      Which fire is that Yusef?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Trabuco Canyon, in the Cleveland Natl. forest, 35 miles South of My location, but Don’t try to go South on the I-15

      • Tundra

        Huh. It’s not on Calfire.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        looks like the Valley Fire is what they are calling it

    • AlexinCT

      I was gonna make a fire burning stuff joke, but decided to abstain.

      • Creosote Achilles

        Asbestos you didn’t.

      • AlexinCT

        Guilty!

    • Rasilio

      With all the stimulus California’s economy should be booming for the next decade

  15. Raston Bot

    in case any Euro-Glibs are looking to induce a migraine, Qontinent’s multi-day camping/electronica festival starts up this weekend in Wachtebeke, Belgium.

  16. Hyperion

    This guy gets it

    This guy gets it, but I don’t expect he’ll be writing for the NYT any more.

    • Raven Nation

      Money quote: “Russia did achieve its main goal in the election, and it wasn’t to pick a winner. It was to sow the seeds of internal division, to pit Americans against one another. In this, it was successful beyond its wildest dreams. Democrats should not have taken the bait.”

      • Q Continuum

        This is true.

        However, Democrats *want* to sow internal division. That’s the MO of identity politics; divide and conquer. If Russia inadvertently helps them out, so much the better for them.

      • Psycho Effer

        This is exactly right. The Russians created circumstances that would reduce the credibility of either winner in the eyes of the losers. Really a brilliant piece of work. TDS is just icing on the cake.

      • grrizzly

        I wouldn’t give the Russians so much credit. They didn’t create those circumstances. They didn’t rig the Democratic primary. They didn’t use the whole might of the US secret police to spy on domestic political opponents. The blame belongs to the US ruling class.

      • AlexinCT

        The only crime the Russians committed was to expose the corruption of the Obama admin and the Clinton campaign.

    • Suthenboy

      “…set about the hard work of persuading the American people and earning their votes.”

      They cant and they know that. Leftists depend on silencing opposition. If you have to yell ‘shut up!” or tell lies to make your case, you dont have a case worth making.
      As far as I see every bit of the left’s narrative is false or fabricated out of thin air. That isnt very convincing to the majority of people who live i n the real world.

      I dont see this ending well for them.

    • Hyperion

      Holy bejeebus, she has the official Florida woman look down if I’ve ever seen anyone who does.

      • Caput Lupinum

        The only fault is she had too many teeth, a proper Florida Woman should have more meth blackened stubs. Unless those are ill fitted dentures.

      • AlexinCT

        Hmmmm…..

        Gum job…

    • CPRM

      It was a black church, therefore she is a Trump Nazi, all is political now!!1!1!!

    • Suthenboy

      Whoa. One look at her and I can tell you what the problem is.

      “Deputies say Clarkson is homeless and they believe she suffers from a mental illness. ”

      No shit?

    • Q Continuum

      OK, I know at least one of you would.

      Which one is it?

      • Suthenboy

        I may have mentioned this before: the mentally ill are not very good at hygiene or impulse control.

        Our women’s unit had three dorms and approximately 100 patients total. The head nurse once told me ‘Every single one of them have at least one STD and even when we get that under control they go for family day visits and invariably return with more.’ By STD I mean the whole range of them from AIDS down to the clap.

        Would is a bad idea.

      • MikeS

        I bet she’s crazy in bed.

      • Tundra

        I bet she smells of urine and mold.

        Gross.

      • Hyperion

        It gives me what I can only describe as the heebie jeebies even thinking about it, that is the stuff of nightmares *shudder*

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Not with Crusty Juggler’s dick.

  17. Q Continuum

    Alternative take:

    https://pjmedia.com/blog/liveblogevent/live-blog-51/entry-236778/

    I certainly don’t foresee a blue wave and I think it’s extremely unlikely that the Dems take the Senate. However, they could end up with a slight majority in the House, which would suck since they’d almost immediately vote to impeach and then slow walk the whole process until 2020. The GOP cowards should be legislating like crazy right now but instead they’re jacking off.

    • Viking1865

      They don’t have the votes.

      The country is ruled by Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, and John McCain. Nothing is getting past them, and they are RESISTING.

      • Suthenboy

        Who sends those fuckwits to DC?
        What exactly are they resisting. I keep hearing that word but no one ever says what it means.

      • Hyperion

        It’s like some of the deranged Hollywood leftists saying things like ‘Trump has wrecked the entire country!’. *Looks around…* What are they even talking about? You literally cannot take one thing they say seriously.

      • R C Dean

        The country is ruled by Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, and John McCain. Nothing is getting past them, and they are RESISTING.

        True enough, but a GOP that wasn’t useless would at least force the Dems and Dem allies like these RINOs on the record as killing bills. Make them the obstructionists. Make them the problem. Instead, the GOP just sits on their hands “Gosh, we think it probably won’t pass, so we won’t even try. Is it happy hour yet?”

        Fucking. Useless.

    • R C Dean

      The GOP cowards should be legislating like crazy right now but instead they’re jacking off.

      As much as I despise what the Dems do and stand for, I just can’t see the GOP as any kind effective counterweight. They’re useless. Period, full stop, useless.

      I’m still debating on whether I will vote in this mid-term (I very rarely do, but in some ways this is the next arena for the Deep State to try to dispose of any semblance of oversight or accountability). The lack of candidates who I think will do the slightest bit to actually move the needle in the right direction is depressing.

      • Suthenboy

        Fortunately I live in a parish with about 15,000 people. Local elections are sometimes decided by single digits. I am one of those deplorables with a disproportionately powerful vote.