Subaru Horror Theatre, Vol. 6. – Making Memories

by | Oct 31, 2018 | Halloween, Subaru Horror Theatre, SugarFree | 233 comments

 

I stood by the box of mementos I had pulled out of the old Subaru for a long time after Jenny drove away. I felt my wife walk back inside and leave me in the driveway. I guess she thought I was thinking about Jenny going away to college. But I was replaying memories, trapped in them really. I did that more and more as I got older and slower and my habits became more dangerous for me to indulge in. I thought about the times I had cleaned the car by myself, and then in the first time I had to clean the car. The old Subaru was brand new then, an extravagant present from my wife’s parents while she was still expecting. They never really learned that buying things for people wasn’t the same thing as loving them.

I started thinking about the first girl I had taken for a ride. I thought about the mistakes I made. I thought about the embarrassment I felt at being so clumsy and the embarrassment I felt over being so embarrassed. It’s a miracle I managed it at all…

I drove around downtown until I found her, alone, propped up against a filthy brick wall, nodding off. I stopped and rolled down my window, gave her my harmless smile and let her get a look at the muddy mom car before I waved a little baggie of rock salt to get her attention. She stumbled to the passenger door window and practically fell into the Forester.

“I’ve never done this before,” she said, after agreeing to suck my dick for the baggie. Yeah, right.

“I’ve never done this before either,” I said. I was at least being truthful. “Let’s drive somewhere private.”

She got in. She didn’t smell too bad, but I turned up the a/c just a little. Stick-thin arms and legs, flannel over a worn-thin t-shirt, so old I couldn’t even make out the decal. Denim skirt. I pushed her dirty boots off my seat when she drew her knees up to her chest in an instinctive fear response.

“Sorry,” she mumbled and crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself.

I could barely concentrate to drive, I was so excited. But she was only focused on the supposed meth in the baggie. I kept it in view on my side of the dashboard. A risk but a good one; she never realized how far out in the county I was driving her for what was supposed to be a quick bit of head.

She wanted a hit right after we parked, said it would get her in the mood. The rock salt, found in my garage from last winter, didn’t fool her a bit. “Hey, man, what is this shit?” I said nothing.

“Fuck this,” she said. She pulled at the handle on her door with both hands, but nothing happened, of course. “Child locks,” I told her and laughed, taking off my seatbelt.

I hit her, a good one that I was able to get my shoulder into, catching her right in the mouth. I split her upper lip and when she started to cry, I saw I had broken off a tooth, maybe with my wedding ring. It was a jagged bit of white through all the blood.

I hit her again. Dazed, her head lolled back and her mouth filled with blood. She choked and spit it up. Blood was already everywhere. I was painfully erect by now. I thought my cock was going to rip open my jeans.

I choked her with both hands, knocking her head against the passenger window as hard as I dared. It would have been hard to fix a broken window by myself. Blood was flying all over. I remember wondering if I could hose out the interior of the Subaru directly.

I thought she was out when I took one hand off her neck to get my pants down. I was planning to tear her up. I was going to fuck her in half and then fuck each half twice for good measure. Fucking jeans, I thought. Why did I wear jeans? I looked down to work the button-fly.

I guess I had released the pressure too much. Her eyes opened. One handful of fingernails dug into the hand I still had on her neck; the rest of them went for my eyes. I jerked back and just got two ragged furrows on my cheek. Both hands went back around her neck and I fell over on her, pinning her arms.

I was face to face with her. I remember being struck by how beautiful she was in the moment, furious, fighting for her life, fingernails, and fangs. I squeezed harder and dipped forward for a quick kiss, her blood on my lips, salty and hot, like ejaculate. The kiss woke something up in her. She fought harder and then harder still when I laughed.

She got a knee into my crotched, but rather feebly. It still hurt. The scratches on my face burned like she had poured acid on them. This was going on too long. The anger just poured out of me. So I just squeezed. I forgot about her dirty little meth slit, and all the games I was going to play until I had to get back home. There was just the killing now, the big finish, the grand finale.

Her eyes were just a couple of inches from mine. I got to watch the blood vessels in them burst. She wasn’t fighting anymore, more holding onto my hands than trying to pry them off of her, and making gek gek gek sounds as she tried to take a breath. I watched the anger in her face drain, and then the fright that replaced it go as well.

And then I got to see the exact moment she stopped being a person. I let loose in my pants. It was the longest and most intense orgasm of my life. It felt like I was filling my pants with a quart of lava-hot jizz. So much better than the break-in rapes or the hookers I beat up in the city. I’d never bothered with any of that ever again.

I kept choking her, even though I knew she was dead. When I felt her hyoid bone snap, I finally let go and leaned back into my seat. I yawned suddenly; yawned so wide that my jaw cracked. My first post-kill sleepies, although I hadn’t thought up the name yet. I shook them off. There was work still do.

I looked around to make sure we were still alone and then turned on the dome light. She lay there like a broken doll. There was just nothing there anymore, not the flush of her youth, or her nervous energy, nothing of what I had found so attractive just a few minutes.

There were scabs on her arms, and her legs were rough with stubble where they stuck out of the ragged hem of her denim miniskirt. I tore open her thin t-shirt. Her breasts were tiny and the right was larger than the left. I touched them both and squeezed them as hard as I could. She didn’t scream, so it was just boring.

I brushed her hair out of her face. She was actually pretty ugly when you got down to it. Acne scars and a big nose. She had nice eyes, I guess, a calm blue that was going white as the corneas dried.

I unzipped the skirt and tugged it off. Filthy yellow panties. I pulled them off too and found a tampon string hanging from her cunt. The whole wound was an angry red, and smelled infected, like it was rotting away. She had shit herself. More mess to clean up.

I got out and walked around to her door. She was leaning against it and fell most of the way out of the car all on her own. I took up a bunch of her hair and pulled her the rest of the way out and dropped her on the grass.

I took off her shoes and socks and set them aside and then gathered the rest of her clothes out of the car. I pulled out her cheap earrings out and stuck them in my pants pocket.

I hadn’t parked out with her in the middle of nowhere on a whim. I had scouted the area for weeks while running errands for the bed-bound wife. I dragged her to the old well I had found and left her there.

I walked back to the car and got out paper towels and bleach and lighter fluid and a large jar of lye. I stripped off all my clothes and added them to the pile with hers and cleaned myself up in front of the car with the headlights on. The bleach burned my skin and I got itchy. I would have to think of something else for next time. I put her earrings in a little jelly jar and topped it off with bleach.

The great wads of bloody paper towels and the clothes I carried over to a small pit I had dug yards from the well. I soaked them with the entire can of lighter fluid and tossed it in as well. I lit an entire pack of matches and flicked it into the pit from as far away as I could manage. A great fireball lit up the night.

I swore all the way back to her body. I picked her up and dropped her in the well ass-first and she folded up like a pocket knife and there was a splash. I poured an entire bottle of bleach over her then I carefully open the gallon jar of lye and poured it in as well. I wasn’t sure what it would do. I knew there was water down there, but not how much. Maybe the lye would burn her up.

I replaced the boards I had taken off the well earlier and walked back, naked, barefoot and cold to the fire pit and tossed in the lye jar and the bleach bottle. The pit was burning merrily. I wanted to stay and watch, but I knew I needed to leave. I pulled on the extra clothes I had brought and marveled again at the amount of cargo room.

I drove away and parked at another location I had scouted out. It took hours to clean the car. I had at least thought to put a thick mil plastic under the seats and the floorboard and had put all the mats in the garage. The sheeting had caught most of the blood, and the interior cleaned up well, but the passenger seat was a total loss, soaked in blood and shit and piss. I unbolted it and tossed it in a ditch. When I was otherwise ready to go back home, I soaked it with the extra can of lighter fluid and set it on fire as well.

I parked in the garage to keep the neighbors from noticing the missing seat and took a shower in the downstairs bathroom. I wasn’t sleeping in the same bed with my enormously pregnant wife, so she never even knew I was gone. I called around the next day until I found a seat in a junkyard and replaced the missing one before my wife, who could only get out of bed to go to the bathroom or the hospital, even knew. By the time she went into labor, even the bleach smell was gone.

I told her the scratches were from a cat I had found that had been hit by a car. It had lashed out while dying, I had said, which was mostly the truth. I had been gone so long burying it. It was a good excuse. I hated to use it up.

The first kill. Nothing like your first. There are an even dozen jelly jars in my secret place in the basement and that old Subaru had helped with every one of them.

I must have not moved for a solid half-an-hour while reminiscing and my wife finally came outside to check on me. She walked in front of me and waved her hand in my eyes. I hated that. Every time she did it, I thought about cutting off her hands.

“Are you OK?” she asked.

“I’m fine. Just empty-nesting,” I said.

She looked down and leaned in. “You have an enormous erection,” she said with the slightly humorous lust of the long-married.

“That’s the upside of the empty nest,” I said and leaned forward enough for it to dig into her hip.

“Let’s go inside,” she said, a smile on her face. I nodded and let her lead me.

I would have to break in the new Subaru another night.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

233 Comments

  1. Tres Cool

    Isuzu haz much sadz.

    • Tres Cool

      BOOM! Hit that HALLOWEEN ISH !
      (Joan Jett style)

      • Count Potato

        I wish I did. I remember hanging out with her…

      • Tres Cool

        Don’t feel bad. At that time, you may have not been her flavor.

      • Luther Baldwin
      • Tres Cool

        You’re the best. Not because of that song (which is tolerable), but that made my sidebar drag up Peter Murphy .

      • Luther Baldwin

        OK, you win.

      • Count Potato

        I liked Love and Rockets better.

      • Mad Scientist

        Did they make you feel Alive? So alive?

      • Count Potato

        Imho, David J was the best musician in Bauhaus. Although Tones on Tail was good too.

      • Luther Baldwin

        I liked Love and Rockets better.

        It’s all so different, and pretty much all good.

  2. Breet Pharara

    I just ate a bunch of leftover candy and I don’t feel even a little bad about it.

  3. Creosote Achilles

    That was genuinely disturbing. Normally I am amused by your filth. Well done.

  4. JaimeRoberto, Public Intellectual

    That was seriously disturbing. “salty and hot, like ejaculate.” How do you even know that?

    • Count Potato

      Semen has a low glycemic index?

  5. straffinrun

    I read that in Kavanaugh’s voice.

    • Tres Cool

      I heard that in Vince Foster’s voice

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Was there beer?

  6. Sean

    *forwards to the FBI*

    “See something, say something.”

    Happy Halloween to all you non serial killers.

  7. Mojeaux

    I’ve had all of six trick-or-treaters. I do not know why I bother.

      • Mojeaux

        I’m trying to low-carb…

      • Sean

        Do or do not. There is no try.

      • Mojeaux

        You speak truth.

      • Tres Cool

        I think Ive pointed out that since Aug 15th, Ive only had 1 slice of bread. At the same time, I also stopped tobacco.
        Granted, I get my <50g-carbs/day with beer in the evening. But if a slob like me can do it while cooking cakes, potatoes, pasta, etc. for "Jugsy" the girlfriend, you can too.

      • Mojeaux

        My commitment is not 100%. I could give a whole bunch of excuses, but that’s basically the problem.

      • Mojeaux

        Re your commitment: I am very impressed. Good job.

    • Luther Baldwin

      Do you live in the middle of nowhere like all these other reprobates? We lived in the perfect trick-or-treating neighborhood when I was a kid, old suburbs so lots of single-family houses close together. I could barely lift the haul every year and a lot of the families really got into the spirit.

      • Mojeaux

        I live in an older suburb with nice houses and lots of young families, so I’m not sure why this isn’t a well-trod neighborhood.

    • Tres Cool

      It rained in my part of SW Ohio all night, so I went full-blackout and put the candy on top of my fridge.

    • straffinrun

      That comment on this story? I’m hoping you just forgot to say “OT:”.

      • Mojeaux

        Ooops. OT.

      • MikeS

        Poor thing only got to murder 6 trick-or-treaters this year. Hopefully you get more next year, Mo’!

      • Mojeaux

        I need enough to have long pig stew all year.

      • Tres Cool

        +1 SHTF

      • Mojeaux

        Sous vide?

      • Tres Cool

        pressure canned with some tomatoes and peppers

    • commodious spittoon

      Had nothing, then suddenly hit by an even dozen all at once. Goshdarn locusts.

    • dorvinion

      Beggars’ night was last night in our town.

      Our annual Halloween ritual involves going out to eat, and if that doesn’t take long enough we go find some place comfortable to sit a while until its over.

  8. MikeS

    Wow. No hyperbole this time; that was some seriously disturbing shit. Really, very well done. My favorite bit of black humor:

    I pulled on the extra clothes I had brought and marveled again at the amount of cargo room.

    • Luther Baldwin

      “in my Subaru Forester” is how that ended in my head.

      • MikeS

        #metoo

    • Mad Scientist

      Yes, I was going to quote that exact passage. SugarFree is a genius!

    • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

      Agree, Mike. That is the absolute best passage, and a great….what, “bring-back”? “Call-back”? “Bringing it full circle”?

  9. straffinrun

    Had to walk through Shibuya station last night on my way home after work. Big ol’ mob. Also, I saw these little guys in the display window of a dirty hobby shop. What do you think, UCS?
    https://m.imgur.com/a/ZJxfa7B

    • MikeS

      What’s that enormous ad with the smiling dude say?

      • straffinrun

        “Your House, Ground”. Got me.

    • Creosote Achilles

      I’d straight murder for that Roy Fokker Skull Leader VF1 Veritech Fighter in the back of the display case. I mean…not /murder/ murder. Perhaps on this post a better way of expressing my enthusiasm could be created.

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        Most excellent taste.

    • Gustave Lytton
  10. trshmnstr

    The realism in this story is what gets me. This is basically a married Ed Kemper.

    • straffinrun

      I watched the commercial first and it really sets the mood. Then, the pacing of the story is perfect. So perfect that I had to stop reading as soon as the rock salt made its appearance because I knew where it was going. Finally, screwed my courage to the sticking post and finished the damn thing. Excellent Halloween story.

  11. Raphael

    I wanted to go into details and comment on how interesting and realistic this story was, but then I started getting choked up.

    Bravo, Sugar Free.

    OT: If you are there Evan, thank you for your Kazahkstan travel article as well. It was definitely a nice and interesting look of the old bloc.

  12. Suthenboy

    Ya’ know, the jokes about losing our family friendly rating were jokes, not a challenge.

    • Luther Baldwin

      I just assumed that was a joke.

  13. Tres Cool

    Finally! Back to some old skool candy traps and fear mongering!

    • straffinrun

      *Snickers*

      • MikeS

        It would suck to bite into a candy bar and have a needle betwix your teeth.

      • Luther Baldwin

        I’d give a 100 grand to make this stupid fake news go away.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That would be a good payday

    • Luther Baldwin

      *sigh*

    • MikeS

      How far back does this go? I’m 46 and grew up with stories of this happening. Do stories like this go back to the beginning of modern trick-or-treating, or was this hysteria born in the 70-80’s?

      • westernsloper

        It is my understanding it all started in the 70-80’s on a false report. They do trick/treat indoors in the community center in a nearby town because the “streets are too dangerous”. It is a joke but the parents get to feel like they are being super safe. Freaks.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The danger is from getting run over or from type 2 diabetes.

      • trshmnstr

        Most people are afraid of their kid (usually dressed in dark colors and darting around in a sugar induced frenzy) getting plastered by a suburban.

        I remember my parents “inspecting my candy for poison” which really meant taking all of the good stuff for themselves.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I’m pretty sure if wad a late 70s thing. Razors blades in apples IIRC.

      • Count Potato

        Which never happened.

      • Brett L

        A dad killed or tried to kill his own kid that way in a custody dispute IIRC. Of course, the initial reports were his story “someone else gave it to him as a treat on Halloween”, and never corrected.

      • Tulip

        We always went to a couple of elderly ladies from church. One gave us popcorn balls and the other carmel Apple’s. Then we went to town and were turned loose, on our own. We had to meet our parents at a certain time, but we wandered on our own. Almost all the kids we see are with parents.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They made it illegal for kids over 12 to trick or treat here.

      • Tulip

        I don’t like the teenagers without costumes. “Hey, where’s your costume? I’m a ninja. In a gap hoodie?”

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Preppie Ninjas, you’ve certainly heard of them, with their duck boots and triple popped collars.

      • Mojeaux

        My kid went as Wayne from Wayne’s World this year.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Excellent

      • Mojeaux

        Sha!

      • Luther Baldwin

        I’m glad my mom didn’t make any attempt to pass on her lame-o youth pop culture to me.

        JK

      • Mojeaux

        I am happy to say my kid has taken to her mother’s la,e-o pop culture with glee.

        Mostly because hers is even more lame.

      • MikeS

        Asphinctersayswhat?

      • Mojeaux

        What?

      • MikeS

        Exactly!

      • Luther Baldwin

        Mostly because hers is even more lame.

        You raise a good point.

      • Count Potato

        Kids today know what Wayne’s World is?

      • MikeS

        The ones who’s parents love them, do.

      • Mojeaux

        Wayne’s World, not so much. Her teachers got it.

        Last year she went as The Bride in Kill Bill and EVERYBODY knew who she was.

      • Luther Baldwin

        I can’t imagine being enough of an asshole to even attempt that. It takes all kinds I guess.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I have one as a dirty oil worker and the other is some knight from some YouTube or video game…I dunno…anyway they have been out of the house on their own *gasp* since 530pm

    • Suthenboy

      I have heard about the razor blades, needles and such all of my life. What I haven’t seen is one of them or met any of the mythical cousins of friends of friends that it always happens to.

      No trick or treaters here tonight. We live in a remote area and have one of those alarm company ad signs at the endo fthe driveway…and it is full of bullet holes.
      Nah, that cant be it.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That just ups the fear factor. A real trick or gr3eater would see it as a challenge.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Treater

  14. westernsloper

    I was enjoying a nice pain killer & two beer buzz and then I read this. That was seriously fucking disturbing.

    • commodious spittoon

      I take back what I said last week. Less supernatural does not mean tamer.

  15. Tulip

    I bought about half the candy I normally buy because it is Wednesday, then was worried because the weather is nice. At 6:30, we had no trick or treaters. Up and down the block we were all panicking, “Where are the kids?!” I don’t know what happened this year, I still have half a bag of candy. I’ll just take it to work. Usually, I’m sweating running out by 7:00.

    • Tulip

      One neighbor was handing out airline bottles of liquor.

      • commodious spittoon

        Wait, what

      • Tulip

        To parents,along with candy for kids. I used to have a neighbor that gave parents jello shots, but they moved. Amazing how fast parents move for the ‘adult’ treats. Though they usually put it in a back pocket.

      • trshmnstr

        That’s brilliant!

      • MikeS

        I guess I’m confused why the parents are even anywhere close enough to receive a treat.

      • trshmnstr

        At least in my group, most of us had at least one kid under 3. They get intimidated by the decorations and talking to strangers.

        (of course, mine was the one who just walked up to some stranger and sat in her lap)

      • MikeS

        Fair enough. With the little ones I get that. I guess I was thinking of the 7-11 crowd.

      • Tulip

        Well, there was one kid dressed as death, complete with scythe. And a little girl (maybe 3) was scared and started crying. Her mom was telling her it’s ok, it’s just pretend. Aww.

      • commodious spittoon

        Little girl was ready to sprint for Bucklebury Ferry.

    • Tulip

      Usually, I’m all “take one”, this “take two or three” and I have candy left. The weather was perfect, none of us understand. We’re usually overwhelmed. I only spent $40 on candy this year.

      • Mojeaux

        I am disappointed also. We had trick-or-treaters walking right by our house without stopping. Light was on, pumpkin lit. I don’t understand.

      • Luther Baldwin

        Spooky.

      • Soyboy

        That means some gossipy townies have been spreading rumors about you.

      • Raven Nation

        Maybe Glibertarians.com has been outed?

    • trshmnstr

      We didn’t have a single person stop by. We have a couple candy bars for the girls next door that we’ll run over there sometime tomorrow.

      We went over to a friend’s house and canvassed their neighborhood. It was surprisingly successful. Lots of “meow” and “teeteet” to get “dindee”

      • UnCivilServant

        The glowing red pupils must have gotten a reaction.

        /snark

  16. Just Say'n

    Well done.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      That’s a different story involving a propane torch.

      • Just Say'n

        Well put

  17. Tulip

    I love Subaru Horror Theatre.

    • MikeS

      ^ this^

      And I just say a new (to me) Subaru ad that SF hasn’t done yet, so I assume (hope) there’s at least one more coming.

      • Soyboy

        omg

      • MikeS

        Très bien

      • Mojeaux

        Adorbs!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Henry the… Seventh??

      • Gustave Lytton

        Love the costumes!

  18. Spudalicious

    Um, well. That was, um…

    • MikeS

      I know, right?!

      • Luther Baldwin

        Right.

  19. Soyboy

    You guys are all handing out pocket Constitutions and copies of Bastiat’s “The Law,” right?

    • banginglc1

      A guy I used to hang out with kept a pocket constitution in his back pocket. Whenever we would get into a politics battle with someone at the bar, he’d pull it out and slam it on the table. “Where does it say they can do that in the constitution.” It was always hilarious.
      He was one of the first libertarians I knew and was probably a genius. He was a law school student at the soon to be closing Valpo Law School. He lived across the street from us. One day He was an alcoholic in a manic state. Some friends called the police because they were worried about him (alcohol poisoning or suicide, both were quite possible). As he was laying in bed, blasted out of his mind, he was sighting case law of why the police had no right to be in his apartment. They eventually got him to go to the hospital where he blew some astrological BAC number,

      • commodious spittoon

        …and?!

      • banginglc1

        And . . . after he got his law degree, he went on to installing carpet. I heard he hot sober an moved away.

      • Tres Cool

        For the record, I never went to law school

  20. Soyboy

    I fondly remember trick-or-treating at the houses that just had a basket of Jack Chick tracts by the door and their lights off.

    I wish I appreciated them then like I appreciate them now. Wish I had kept those tracts.

  21. quincy

    Horrifying and hilarious. Do the Honda Fit next.

  22. Spudalicious

    We have neighbors that do a Halloween party every year before it gets dark. It was well attended this year and it was good to see some of the new neighbors show up. They typically don’t.

    Trick or treaters? Maybe ten.

    • Ownbestenemy

      We’ve had 4…moved a chair outside and candy is now on honor system

  23. straffinrun

    ‘The Battered Wife’ fish and chip shop owner refuses to change name

    “There is a lot of beautiful, intelligent women out there in really bad situations and to assume that I was making light of the subject, that I was promoting it … No-one is going to walk past my shop and say, ‘The Battered Wife. Hey, how about we take some advice on this?’,” said Ms Kerr, who is a survivor of domestic violence herself.

    • Gustave Lytton

      a number of domestic violence groups said the name was making light of men hitting women

      Hey! Check your cisbatterer assumptions!

  24. RoadSplosives

    Not sure if the Subaru story is more or less disgusting than the San Diego County motto: “The noblest motive is the public good”

    • Akira

      “The noblest motive is the public good”

      Whoa whoa whoa, that can’t possibly be their official motto. RoadSplosives is just exhibiting some of that hyperbolic humor that we Glibertarians are known for. There’s no way that’s real…

      *searches on DuckDuckGo*

      … Oh good god.

      • straffinrun

        Almost as bald faced a threat as “We will kill for what we want”.

      • Luther Baldwin

        “I’m from the San Diego County government, and I’m here to help.”

      • RoadSplosives

        San Diego should go ahead and let San Diego North (where I live) break away into its own county.

        I’m down in that area in figure 2 labeled “48” because the Dems only got 48% of the vote there.

        It’s already a separate Federal congressional district.

      • Gustave Lytton

        From the Idaho Constitution:

        Section 24. PROMOTION OF TEMPERANCE AND MORALITY. The first concern of all good government is the virtue and sobriety of the people, and the purity of the home. The legislature should further all wise and well directed efforts for the promotion of temperance and morality.

      • Luther Baldwin

        Wow, love it. From what my mom mentioned about my very early childhood in Idaho, that sounds about right.

      • Spudalicious

        A couple of years ago, the right to hunt, fish and trap were added to the Constitution. So we got that going for us.

      • RoadSplosives

        Even New York City uses the New York State motto “Excelsior” (Ever Upward). That one’s alright.

        And we get the equivalent of “Hand over your wallet. It’s for the children.”

        Of course, New Hampshire kicks all other states’ asses with “Live Free or Die”

      • CPRM

        Wisconsin’s Motto is ‘Forward’, you guessed it. It comes from Progressivism coming from Wisconsin. Shit motto.

      • Akira

        Hell, I used to gripe about Ohio having the motto “With God, all things are possible”. But that’s pretty benign compared to some of the shit in this thread.

        Second on New Hampshire’s motto, although I would make a few small edits:

        (let me) Live Free Or (you will) Die

  25. Q Continuum

    Is there something wrong with me that I laughed out loud the whole time reading this?

    • mikey

      Yes,there is something wrong with us.

    • Spudalicious

      Yep. You are one sick fuck. Keep up the T & A though.

    • commodious spittoon

      Crimony, though. It’s a children’s holiday. Did nobody think of that? SF?

      • CPRM

        OMWC did.

      • Spudalicious

        SF is a modern day Edgar Allen Poe.

      • straffinrun

        The Pit and the Speculum.

      • Spudalicious

        *standing ovation*

      • Gustave Lytton

        *retches voraciously*

      • Raphael

        Followed by the “Tell-Tale Hard-on”

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        Followed by the “Tell-Tale Hard-on”

        An account of the horror that is middle school

      • SugarFree

        The Pit and the Speculum

        Day-um, son.

  26. CPRM

    So, last time I sent Sugarfree some art I must have accidentally, attached a diary entry. Sorry for the mix up.

  27. CPRM

    I was always a fan of horror movies. But I tried watching 2 movies and one horror documentary on netflix tonight for Halloween, but there shit was all fucked up and they were retarded. I couldn’t finish any of them.

    • Akira

      I don’t think I’ve ever been frightened by a work of fiction.

      I’m not trying to portray myself as some kind of hardass – I’m generally a nervous wreck. I got legitimately freaked out for several months by something called “The Wyoming Incident” (look it up if you want) but only because I was under the impression that it was real.

      But I dunno… My brain just doesn’t have the ability to suspend disbelief when it’s a “scary” movie.

      • CPRM

        Oh, I’m not talking about being scared by a movie, I’m just talking about horror movies. No one makes any good ones anymore.

      • Suzy Creamcheese

        Nightmare on Elm Street was pretty scary. Because everyone falls asleep and dreams. And you don’t KNOW you’re dreaming.

        On the other hand, Freddy Krueger telling one of the Gabors ” Nobody gives a fuck what you think” was one of my all time favorite movie lines.

      • RoadSplosives

        How about the Dugway Proving Ground Sheep Incident? That shit was real.

        They still do the bio and chemical weapon testing at Dugway. I hope they’re more careful nowadays, but it is a bit creepy when we are way out our testing site and get a radio call that we are all supposed to stay in place for the next 2 hours.

      • CPRM

        SFing a link it an SF article, BRILLIANT!

    • Timeloose

      My wife and I watched Jacobs Ladder tonight. That move is really uncomfortable to watch. It’s great, I haven’t watched it since it came out and never saw all of it at one time due to HBO being the way it was in the 90’s.

      Very dark and disturbing but has a great ending.

      • Luther Baldwin

        I love that movie and agree, very disturbing.

      • Timeloose

        The fast moving heads still creep me out.

      • straffinrun

        Yep. That is what lingers in my head decades after seeing it. Plays perfectly on the dark shapes that we all see out of the corner of eyes.

      • Luther Baldwin

        And the hospital scene, and the party scene, …
        If you watch closely there’s a bit where they’re arguing in bed and his girlfriend gets demon-y. Creepy af. Didn’t even notice it the first few times I watched.

        I might just pop that in tonight.

      • CPRM

        Rhy, you’re really making this handle work, I think you’ve gotten a bit more snark in your step with the change. Hope you find some good work soon. (Says the guy who must hate gays because he’s not a lefty)

      • Luther Baldwin

        Pour another one, why don’t you.

      • CPRM

        Two ahead of you.

      • CPRM

        Yeah, that is a good psychological type horror. Tim Robbins is a great actor, but by Cthulu, he’s such a dumbass when he talks politics. I can’t even imagine what kind of world I’d live in if I only watched movies made by people who agree with my world views like progressives seem so hell bent on.

      • Timeloose

        No doubt. There are few actors that aren’t proggie shit heels.

      • Spudalicious

        A damn good movie.

        When A Stranger Calls was my all time favorite. I was at some friends house, drunk and stoned when we watched it. When the bad guy jumped out towards the end, I went up and over the back of the couch.

      • Timeloose

        I remember the original one from 79. There was a remake in the 2000’s. I sure it adds nothing to the 1st one.

      • CPRM

        +1 I’m the Viper.

      • Timeloose

        Nice. Great old man joke.

      • SandMan

        Yea that is one creepy movie, left me feeling weird for several days when I first saw it. I remember Elizabeth Pena being pretty hot back then, just googled her and found out she died young, apparently from alcohol.

  28. Vacuous Insight

    Fauxcahontas will be on campus tomorrow. I don’t have classes tomorrow so I won’t be there.

    • CPRM

      I thought you were at UW Madison. Why would she be there? Or am I wrong?

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        Whaddya mean? Isn’t that one of her lairs?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Traditional autumn hunting grounds?

      • Vacuous Insight

        A quick web search and you’ll find my university. I’m just not posting it directly on this site.

      • CPRM

        Well, I see she won’t be at UW Madison till Friday so…Wait, again what the fuck! Why? Wha? Huh?

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        Gustave got it–hunting grounds.

      • Vacuous Insight

        I’ve given enough info over time to dox myself, but it’d take a bit of effort for anyone to do so.

      • CPRM

        I’m not trying to dox anyone. Just want to figure out who the sconnie Glibs are so we can get a good ol sconnie drunk on one day.

      • PudPaisley

        I’m a La Crosse person who identifies as male who will be in Madison tomorrow night to see the best touring rock and roll band in America tomorrow night. This is from their show Saturday night at an old church in Atlanta. Played the whole album.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KiRxOrl12g&index=5&list=PLvZn3DN5VFdfSy8LyrhjZ11FOw8E9MW4c

        Also was wondering if I can pick your brain every now and then regarding video editing. I mostly record local and regional bands. Pretty new at doing it, but have done a few good recordings.

      • CPRM

        La Crosse is actually closer to me than Madison. And if I see any questions you pose, I’ll answer them.

      • CPRM

        Also, my handle at myself.com. literally, myself.com

      • PudPaisley

        Thanks man. I sort of like the editing software I use (Lightworks), but I really need to upgrade my computer if I want to post more shows. Right now I only have an i3 which takes forever to process anything. Just curious, are you east or west of Wausau? I have a general area in mind where you live. My parents live in Iron River, MI so I take all different routes up that way when traveling.

      • CPRM

        roughly halfway between Wausau and Green Bay.

      • PudPaisley

        So you’re in a pretty sparsely populated area. I used to go through that area a lot as a kid but not so much anymore. My brother lives in Marinette, so I usually come into GB from south of where you live when I go to visit him. Maybe have to try a WI/MN Glibs meetup sometime.

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        Wausau, you say?

        That lithograph/whatever-the-hell-the-term-is of their building is deeply etched into my brain from the commercials I used to see in my childhood.

        60 Minutes, I think it was. Always near the end of the program.

      • CPRM

        Pope Jimbo has said already he takes 29 in the spring to fish in Algoma or something. I told Uncivil to he should reroute his spring trip through the area instead of going straight to Milwaukee. Met OMWC and SP in GB last fall.

      • CPRM

        That Sconnie company must have expanded because too many locals were dying of liver failure.

      • CPRM

        All right, well I know the rumor is that I only sleep three hours a night and I was born in a mental institution. But that means I still have to sleep, which I’ll do now,

      • PudPaisley

        Yeah, maybe we can work something out some time. SP and OMWC already have my email so maybe we can plan something down the road. I’m gonna try to get them to La Crosse sometime this winter when work is slow for me.

  29. Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

    Spud’s tale of his “response” to the When A Stranger Calls scene got me thinking.

    Anyone have funny Halloween/spooky/fright stories they want to tell here?

    A friend-couple of mine used to babysit the wife’s niece (and nephew on some occasions), and always had good stories for me from those times. Apparently, they had a “scary stories” time when she was quite young, about 5-7 years old. They would sit in a dark room and shine a flashlight under their chins, and come up with mild fright tales.

    When it was the niece’s turn, she put the light under her chin and said, “Ooooo, I’m a black guy!”

    Needless to say, they aren’t sure where she came up with that thought, but the parents were quite embarrassed.

    • CPRM

      I’m someone who is curious about the afterlife, but am generally skeptical, but did get a photo once that I couldn’t explain, still can’t. Given you’re access to my other works, you can find a video where I discuss it if you want. I posted the picture on twitter and got ‘liked’ by a guy who had a bigfoot hunting show.

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        Well, now I’m expecting a “STEVE SMITH Goes to Hell” pic.

      • Spudalicious

        I’ve had some interesting experiences throughout my life. I have some serious questions about what happens when we die, but I’m not so arrogant to think that I have all the answers.

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        Is it the “series of three pics of a bridge” thing?

      • CPRM

        yes.

  30. Gustave Lytton

    Halloween isn’t over yet, so here’s my old guy music contribution

    https://youtu.be/sOnqjkJTMaA

    • CPRM

      Was hoping for This. You let me down.

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        But, YOU did not let us down.

        Fantastic.

      • CPRM

        I never disappoint men, only women…wait that’s not what I meant!

      • Chafed

        I posted Black No. 1 earlier. It didn’t get any love.

        Kudos on picking a Maiden song.

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        Sorry, Chafed. 🙁 I didn’t see it, but I’m not really a TON fan.

  31. Gustave Lytton

    Employees from more than 60 percent of Google offices worldwide will participate, organizers for the walkout told Gizmodo in an email. Google maintains 23 offices in the U.S., three in Canada, and more than 50 others around the globe.

    BuzzFeed first reported on the plans for the walkout on Monday, stating that “a group of more than 200 engineers” at the company were organizing the protest. According to the latest approximation, the number of estimated participants has ballooned dramatically over the last few days.

    Good. Let them self select. Deem their walkout a voluntary resignation and mark them ineligible for rehire or badging as a contractor.

    Google CEO Sundar Pichai said in a company memo that some 48 employees had been fired for sexual misconduct, including 13 senior employees. Since then, he has expressed support for Thursday’s walkout.

    “Yesterday, we let Googlers know that we are aware of the activities planned for Thursday and that employees will have the support they need if they wish to participate,” Pichai said in a statement emailed to Gizmodo on Wednesay evening.

    Pichai continues to prove what a complete moron he is. If the Google board had any adults, they’d terminate his employment at the same time.

    • Luther Baldwin

      Deem their walkout a voluntary resignation and mark them ineligible for rehire or badging as a contractor.

      I was thinking the opposite will happen. Non-participation will get you ostracized.

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        Well, not doing so will most certainly result in getting questioned by one or more employees.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yes, well that’s what happens when the lunatics run the asylum.

      • Chafed

        I completely agree. The company reminds me of a crazed, liberal arts college.

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        I’m actually pretty much convinced to switch my phone to iPhone just because of Google shit.

        And, I hate Apple. Like, been a snob about them.

      • PudPaisley

        I switched to iphone a few years ago because the android I had was practically worthless to me. I just refused to download any of their intrusive apps, and it’s hard to find apps that they don’t control. iphone may not be much better, but it’s easier to sych with my itunes music and podcasts.

      • Sir Digby's Contrabulous Faptraption

        I’ve heard bad things about the iPhone from previous users, and I’m much more familiar with Android. But, I hate the idea of supporting them any more.

        Clean your shit up, Google. Quit deep-throating government, and grow a spine.

  32. Playa Manhattan

    Damn. These skittles are fresh.

  33. egould310

    It’s A Jangle Out There radio show is on the air. Jangly guitar rock spun by an Australian DJ. Tune in on on the Tune In app and check 949MAINfm from Castlemaine, Australia. Your ears will thank you.

    Just poured a whiskey, and settling in for a couple hours.