The Hat and The Hair: Episode 99

by | Oct 3, 2018 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 214 comments

 

Republican Sen. Jeff Flake calls for FBI investigation and Senate floor vote delay

26 HOURS AWAKE

All of Donald’s senior staff and aides trooped out of the Oval Office. A couple of them were crying. Rudy scuttled glumly. Bill was playing a furious round of pocket pool.

“Idiots,” the hat said, as soon as the door closed.

“They were blindsided, we were all blindsided,” the hair said.

“Don’t defend them. I knew Flake was going to fuck us as soon as he and his little butt-buddy Coons left the hearing. If I had my way, I’d have the entire committee lined up and shot.”

“I want Brett on the court,” Donald pouted. “The ugly lady with the baby voice is getting in my way.”

“Rape,” the hat said disgustedly. “She doesn’t know from rape. I’ll show her rape.”

“Dear God,” the hair said, appalled.

“I’m going to go get in the tub,” Donald said.

“Good, you get some rest,” the hat said. “Lot of tweeting to do tonight, I’m going to need your help.”

When the door to the Presidential Shitter closed, the hat slumped down on the desk.

“Who knew running the country would be this much work?” he asked.

“I did,” the hair replied.

“I mean, it was fun at first, making fun of people and scaring the normals,” the hat said. “And then he fucking won. Who could have seen that coming? I’m so damn tired.”

“All the clocks in here are wrong,” the hair said.

“I set them so Donald wouldn’t know how late it was getting. I need him awake and working until the vote on Friday.”

“He can’t stay up that long, you’ll kill him,” the hair said.

“You don’t seem to understand. This is the DEEP STATE. They are fucking with us again. This is exactly the sort of shit they would pull. I can feel it down in my hat bones.”

“But are you OK?” the hair asked, sliding closer to his head mate.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, with all this… the rape accusations, the DEEP STATE, all the allegations of substance abuse. This situation must be very triggering for you, after, you know, after what you went through.”

“Fuck that,” the hat sneered. “I’m not some snowflake, I’m not no sob sister. Someone is coming after us, and I’m going to find them, I’m going to fuck them, and then I’m going to skin them alive.”

“I’m just…”

“You’re just nothing,” the hat said, cutting him off. “I’m fine, Donald’s fine, we’re all fine. I’m going to get us through this.”

“OK,” the hair said carefully. He hopped down off the desk and skittered over to the Shitter door.

“Donald?” the hair called. “Are you jerking off in there?”

“Yes,” Donald yelled back. “Someone’s got to make the mushroom juice around here.”

“OK,” the hair said. “I want you good and relaxed.”

The hat took the time they were distracted to text his dealer: u score me modafinil?

The dealer wrote back before the hair even made back to the desk: 2hr usual place.

“OK,” the hat said, “We have to make this our war room. I need a whiteboard, some pens…”

 

34 HOURS AWAKE

“OK,” the hat said. “OH-KAY… Now pay attention, Donald. All of this is very important.”

Donald hadn’t even bothered to dress after his bath, his masturbation session, his epic shit that he had to be physically restrained from tweeting out to the nation, his second bath to get him cleaned up after the epic shit and a huge breakfast of McGriddles and hashbrowns and dozens of ketchup packets.

“I’m so full,” Donald groaned. “I need a nap.”

“No, you need to pay attention. Drink more Diet Coke.” The hat had spiked it with modafinil.

Donald slurped noisily with his straw and rattled the ice in the huge empty cup.

“All gone, all gone,” the President said.

“Look at the board, Donald,” the hat said. “These are our enemies. All of them are the worst people, Donald. Just awful. They want to keep you from getting what you want.”

The hair was laying in the morning sun and stretched and yawned loudly. “Just terrible people,” the hair said sleepily.

“Look here, Donald,” the hat said, playing a laser pointer over the names. “These are the known weaknesses of our enemies. You must learn them.”

“Is that ugly old lady really a zombie?” Donald asked .”The undead? An unclean spirit that walks among the living?”

“Have you been reading comic books again?” the hat asked, staring at the hair.

“But if she’s a zombie…” Donald began.

“Headshots kill most everything,” the hair said and yawned again.

“And here are the rest of them,” the hat said, circling the next row with the laser pointer.

“Is Blumenthal really a mummy?” Donald asked. “I don’t like all these movie monsters fighting with me.”

“To the best of our knowledge. There’s probably an amulet or a hieroglyphic tablet we have to break to kill it.”

“And that orange thing scares me,” Donald admitted.

“It scares the rest of us too,” the hair said.

“I can’t understand how even a place as low and degraded as California could have put that creature in the Senate,” the hat said mournfully.

 

44 HOURS AWAKE

The hat was almost asleep when a hypnic jerk caused Donald to kick over the small mountains of Diet Coke cans next to his desk.

“My thumbs are tired,” Donald said.

“Keep tweeting, damn you!” the hat said.

“He needs to sleep,” the hair said.

“He can sleep when Brett is on the Supreme Court!” the hat said screeched. “MORE DIET COKE! I DON’T CARE IF HE DROWNS IN IT!”

The Oval Office door opened and a hairy arm shoved Sarah into the room, a two-liter of Diet Coke cradled in her arms like the Christ Child.

“Hope!” Donald cried. “Hope! It’s so good to see you!” Donald struggled out of his desk chair and ran to her and threw his arms around her.

“Hope!” he said, stepping back. “Oh my God, you got so fat! Did you have a baby? Bring me the baby. I love babies!” He pulled the swaddled Diet Coke from her and swung around the room with it until it flew out of his arms and bounced off the wall.

“I’m Sarah, Mr. President,” she said, jowls aquiver.

“Sarah? I know no Sarah.”

“Pie,” she said, thoroughly ashamed. “You call me Pie, sir.”

“You brought me pie?” Donald asked. Tears started to well in his eyes.

 

56 HOURS AWAKE

“Who the hell is Jeff Flake?” Donald. The hat had had him on Twitter all night, a raw run of Diet Coke and Provigil keeping the old man pumping.

“Yeah, who the hell does he think he is?” the hat loudly agreed.

“No. I mean who is he? Why is everyone talking about him?” Donald asked, his eyes locked in his iPhone’s screen.

“Donald, he’s a senator,” the hat said gently.

“Senator? Put him on the board then!”

“Uh, he is on the board,” the hat said.

“GOOD! I want the FBI to investigate them all!” Donald bellowed.

“Finally, the FBI can do something for us!” the hat crowed.

“Eleven Democrat assholes,” Donald sneered. “I’m going to destroy them all.”

“Flake is a Republican,” the hat said tiredly.

“Who is Flake?” Donald demanded.

“Jesus,” the hair said in utter disgust.

“He’s on the board, Donald,” the hat said. “Everyone on the board is bad. All bad. Board bad.”

Donald picked the hair up off his desk and placed him on his head. He crossed to look out one of the Oval Office windows. A slanted beam of sunlight lit up the tendrils of the hair as it squirmed to settle itself on his head.

“Board bad,” the President said solemnly, nodding to himself. “Board bad.”

 

72 HOURS AWAKE

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

214 Comments

  1. invisible finger

    AWESOME

    • Old Man With Candy

      “We do not get the SugarFree we deserve, we get the SugarFree we need.”

      • Swiss Servator

        What if he is BOTH?

        “The Oval Office door opened and a hairy arm shoved Sarah into the room, a two-liter of Diet Coke cradled in her arms like the Christ Child.”

      • Bobarian LMD

        a hairy arm shoved Sarah into the room,

        Is STEVE SMITH on the POTUS security detail?

      • R C Dean

        “Eleven Democrat assholes,” Donald sneered. “I’m going to destroy them all.”

        I think Trump might be STEVE SMITH?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I think this is the best yet.

      I cried.

  2. Pan Zagloba

    “I mean, it was fun at first, making fun of people and scaring the normals,”

    So…is this Trump or SugarFree talking?

      • Pan Zagloba

        I’m just worried that come 2020 there’ll be a news report about a man in blond wig, MAGA hat and a Mao pantsuit driving a semi full of fuel into the Independence Hall in Philadelphia screaming “YOU IDIOTS! YOU SHOULD HAVE BURNED IT ALL DOWN!”

      • Caput Lupinum

        If that happens after an Eagles game it would barely make the local news in the midst of all the other destruction.

  3. Old Man With Candy

    “Someone’s got to make the mushroom juice around here.”

    You realize I will now have to change our dinner menu.

    • commodious spittoon

      Adding or subtracting the semen?

      • Old Man With Candy

        Remind me to have SP invite you over for dinner.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Cream of Mushroom soup?

      • Brochettaward

        Adding. The answer is always adding. What sort of dumb question is that? Who wants less semen?

      • AlexinCT

        I tell my ladies that it has 12 essential vitamins and minerals and I want to help them get their minimum daily requirement.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Protein.

    • Mad Scientist

      Yeah, I’ll never look at a can of “cream of mushroom” soup the same way.

  4. RAHeinlein

    This one is my favorite.

  5. straffinrun

    The hat has nice penmanship.

    • straffinrun

      Also, the hat can spell Klobuchar correctly but not Hirono? Totes racist.

  6. commodious spittoon

    Someday, when SF goes public, we’re going to look back on these simple times with the bittersweet nostalgia one reserves for salad day romances.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      I liked him before it was cool. But then he sold out.

    • Count Potato

      So you are saying you want to toss his salad?

  7. Sean

    Loving the enemies board.

    • Count Potato

      Comedy gold.

  8. Chipwooder

    “Rape,” the hat said disgustedly. “She doesn’t know from rape. I’ll show her rape.”

    “Dear God,” the hair said, appalled.

    When you’ve lost even the Hair, you know you’ve gone too far.

    Also, big thumbs up for the Flyers’ new, appalling mascot.

  9. dbleagle

    Truly a worthy contender for the Nobel in Literature. So many awesome lines, Huzzah SF! Huzzah!

    • Swiss Servator

      Indeed – I was going to point one out…then another…then another.

      Just bask in the glorious, otherworldly light that is SugarFree.

  10. Drake

    his epic shit that he had to be physically restrained from tweeting out to the nation

    Damn

  11. Lachowsky

    (((Feinstein)))

    Definantly not a member of the still alive class.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    Someone is coming after us, and I’m going to find them, I’m going to fuck them, and then I’m going to skin them alive.

    Simple pleasures are the best.

  13. Brochettaward

    With the Trump tax returns, it’s a good chance to note the pearl clutching over illegally obtained and released emails by Wikileaks versus media like the NYT’s illegally obtaining and reporting on confidential tax documents. And now they’re accusing Trump of a crime based off those documents.

    • straffinrun

      Be fun to trace the train of custody, wouldn’t it?

      • Brochettaward

        If Trump launched a real investigation into the source of any leak, they’d be screeching at the top of their lungs about freedom of the press.

      • straffinrun

        Chris Cuomo told me it was illegal to read Trump’s father’s tax returns.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    I laughed much too hard at the picture of Kamala Harris.

    “That orange thing scares all of us” is right.

    • Chipwooder

      RACIST!!!

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Self hating orange person?

  15. Chipwooder

    So Yahoo News has resorted to bald-faced lying now. Or maybe it’s just a case of mistaken identity, given the strong resemblance between Lindsey Graham and James Carville.

    • Private Chipperbot

      /page doesn’t exist.

      • straffinrun

        Worked for me.

      • straffinrun

        Shit. They deleted it.

      • straffinrun

        Thx. Holy shit does the Internet moves fast.

      • kinnath

        It was there. I saw it.

        I know I saw it.

        Don’t gaslight me.

      • SugarFree

        kinnath tells his truth.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Doesn’t work at all for me. Weird.

      • straffinrun

        Not weird at all. They got buuuusted.

    • Chipwooder

      Here is someone else saying the same bullshit comment. Hurry, before this one gets deleted too!

      • kinnath

        I saw that one too. Yes I did.

      • SugarFree

      • straffinrun

        Wonderful, SF. Sorry to point out the spelling.

      • Rebel Scum

        That’s one of the asshats from TYT. I loathe all of them. They are the smuggest and stupidest people on the internet. Seriously, it is like they are all Tony from (t)Reason.

      • Nephilium

        Text:

        Lindsey Graham on Christine Blasey Ford: “This is what happens when you go through a trailer park with a $100 bill.” And on Donald Trump viciously mocking a sexual assault victim: “Everything he said was factually true.”

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I don’t think that’s going to be deleted. The Twitterati paint chip eaters are lapping it up.

      • Chipwooder

        Are they acknowledging that Graham was quoting Carville in order to condemn Trump’s remarks? Of course not.

      • Brochettaward

        Their ignorance of that is what makes it all so precious.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        “@LindseyGrahamSC
        is a disgusting excuse for a human being. He’s also a bully, a hypocrite, a liar AND most likely a criminal (guilty of accepting over $800K in illegal foreign campaign donations). John McCain — a true patriot and a real gentleman — must be spinning in his grave.”

        That McCain was a fine, fine man alright.

      • Chipwooder

        Illegal foreign money? What does Hillary have to do with this?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That McCain was a fine, fine man alright.

        Charles Keating certainly thought so

      • Brochettaward

        FBI agent Ivian Smith wrote a letter to FBI Director Freeh that expressed “a lack of confidence” in the Justice Department’s attorneys regarding the fund-raising investigation. He wrote: “I am convinced the team at… [the Department of Justice] leading this investigation is, at best, simply not up to the task… The impression left is the emphasis on how not to prosecute matters, not how to aggressively conduct investigations leading to prosecutions.” Smith and three other FBI agents later testified before Congress in late 1999 that Justice Department prosecutors impeded their inquiry. FBI agent Daniel Wehr told Congress that the first head U.S. attorney in the investigation, Laura Ingersoll, told the agents they should “not pursue any matter related to solicitation of funds for access to the president. The reason given was, ‘That’s the way the American political process works.’ I was scandalized by that,” Wehr said. The four FBI agents also said that Ingersoll prevented them from executing search warrants to stop destruction of evidence and micromanaged the case beyond all reason

  16. AlexinCT

    Bill was playing a furious round of pocket pool.

    Brings tears to my eyes…

    • MikeS

      That was awesome. Comes right out of the gate with both barrels blazing.

      Also; “Furious Round of Pocket Pool” would be a great album name.

      • RAHeinlein

        OT: If I made an improper comment to you in the past, I genuinely apologize. I don’t, but that’s not an excuse.

        I actually think of you fondly as you recommended Todd the Axe Man for a special occasion – my husband loves and we allow the “cheat” when it is on draft despite the general Surly boycott.

      • Old Man With Candy

        “Improper comments” are a high proportion of your charm.

      • RAHeinlein

        I bet you say that to all the Glibs!

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, there are few enough things to compliment us on.

      • MikeS

        No, I owe you an apology. I feel like an ass. I was in a pissy mood (and a little buzzed) due to some crap IRL and you came along at the wrong time. The comment I was referring to was so minor (and so long ago) I should have forgotten it by now.

        Shake and be friends? *extends hand*

        P.S. I’m glad hubby likes it. It makes me happy to know the recommendation worked out so well!

      • RAHeinlein

        I can be a real *itch on certain topics, particularly after Happy Hour – I am putting Post-it by my computer with new rules.

        I should have said something last night, but it was late and I thought best to wait until this AM.

        All good.

      • MikeS

        I am putting Post-it by my computer with new rules

        Ha-ha. I was thinking of doing the exact same thing!

      • Playa Manhattan

      • Nephilium

        May I ask why the Surly boycott? No judgment, just curiosity. There’s several breweries that I avoid due to their actions in the past.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        Well they make kinda crappy bikes that get marked up a lot by having the cool by being not-cool marketing thrown at it.

      • Nephilium

        Well I don’t have any of their bikes, just a Giant and a Specialized. It’s sad, it’s almost time to set up the trainer, and I got almost no mileage on my bikes this year.

      • RAHeinlein

        Surly launched I’m Peach after Trump was elected.

      • Nephilium

        That was Stone (the originally press release was much more signal filled). Unless two breweries went for the same pun (which wouldn’t surprise me). Although Todd has left Surly and is now brewing at Three Floyds.

      • RAHeinlein

        That’s right – I don’t drink beer, so need to keep better track. It was the “Thanks Obama”

      • Nephilium

        We don’t get Surly in the drunken wilds of Ohio, so I wasn’t sure. I knew there was some words said back and forth about Todd leaving Surly that hit my news feeds. About the only brewery that made a political joke I appreciated was 5 Rabbit brewing (who had a deal with a Trump property to make a branded beer for it) decided they didn’t want to be associated with Trump after an anti-immigration speech (the brewery was founded by immigrants from Costa Rica). They still had several kegs of the beer they would rather sell then dump (but couldn’t keep the name due to their contract), so they renamed it Chinga Tu Pelo.

      • robc

        I have never had anything from 5 Rabbit that I cared for.

      • Playa Manhattan

        Nobody wants to buy I’m Peach here, so I got a whole bunch of bombers at a discount.

        I’m a sucker for good deals.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      You could show selected quotes from Hitler and George Washington and people would vote Hitler.

      • tarran

        Someone associated with the Mises institute who teaches courses on economics gives his Econ 101 students sample political platforms from two historical figures, narrowed to questions they both addressed, with the language updated to make it modern English and less obvious who authored what.

        He then asks the students which politician they would support.

        Adolf Hitler always defeats Thomas Jefferson in a landslide.

      • UnCivilServant

        Do you have the actual statements used?

      • tarran

        No. It was from one of their lecture series from ~2008. I think it might have been DiLorenzo, but I’m not sure.

      • straffinrun

        Jonah Goldberg did something very similar years back. Too late/drunk to find it for you.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      “You work so hard, and you get something like this,” he said. Still, “I can see how editors like me and journals can be duped.”

      Because it was all gibberish to begin with you can’t tell the fake from the real.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Exactly. Burn it down.

    • The Other Kevin

      This reminds me of John Stossel showing paintings done by kindergarten kids to art critics, and the critics giving rave reviews.

      These are supposedly our intellectual betters, mind you.

      • UnCivilServant

        “The emperor is not naked, you are simply too unsophisticated to see the fine fabrics.”

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Postmodern art sucks.

      • Rhywun

        Post-modern everything sucks.

  17. SugarFree

    I’d like to think that the National Emergency System text test today will be just a pic of Trump’s totally normal and classy penis, his just great, great, great, just tremendous normal penis.

    • Chipwooder

      That would constitute an emergency, yes

      • Swiss Servator

        Like a “mushroom cloud” emergency?

      • Chipwooder

        “Vote Trump, or this image will remain on your phone.”

    • Brochettaward

      He’s saving that for election day. It’s his trump card.

    • commodious spittoon

      Waving it over Lady Liberty’s prone and sleeping face.

    • Agent Cooper

      I didn’t get one. I’m OFF THE GRID people!

    • Threedoor

      It woke the baby. Not good!

  18. CPRM

    I think this is the best yet. Man I wish I were a better animator, this would be amazing as a cartoon.

    • SugarFree

      The increasingly haggard Donald would look especially nice, I think. And the far-off and constant rattle of empty Diet Coke cans.

  19. Chipwooder

    Shocking precisely no one, the Orioles are firing Buck Showalter.

    • SugarFree

      With a name like that, I can only assume they finally found out about his past work in violent gay porn.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Adolf Hitler always defeats Thomas Jefferson in a landslide.

    How many *black* slave laborers did Hitler have? Of course he wins.

  21. straffinrun

    I love being able to go to bed and know that by the time I wake up a bullshit story get will have another giant hole poked through it.

    • Jarflax

      and another bullshit story will have been started on its rounds.

  22. Brochettaward

    McCain’s death has given Graham his balls back. Perhaps literally?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      It’s like he really did have something on him.

      • Brochettaward

        In this respect, we can see black people as victims not of a peculiarly Nazi racism, but of an intensified version of the kinds of everyday racism that persist today.

        Trump’s America treats blacks just like Nazi Germany did!

      • Brochettaward

        That silence helps to explain Germans’ mixed responses to today’s refugee crisis. The welcome offered by German chancellor, Angela Merkel, and many ordinary Germans has given voice to the liberal humanitarianism that was always present in German society and was reinforced by the lessons of the Holocaust.

        The reaction against refugees reveals the other side of the coin: Germans who fear immigration are not alone in Europe. But their anxieties draw on a vision that has remained very powerful in German society since 1945: the idea that however deserving they are, people who are not white cannot be German.

      • UnCivilServant

        Or it could be all the rape, murder, assaults, and welfare dependancy.

      • R C Dean

        the liberal humanitarianism that was always present in German society

        Just keep telling yourself that.

      • R C Dean

        people who are not white cannot be German.

        And here I thought that people from the Middle East were white.

      • Naptown Bill

        Hang on, was it 1945 when the idea of German ethnic exceptionalism began? Because I could swear there was something before that that had something to do with Bruce Arians or something…

        Also, as I understand it there’s more to it than skin color in Europe. It’s more of a “You’re German because your ancestors are German and you all live in Germany, where Germans live.”

      • Pan Zagloba

        Yes, it’s not like Poles or Albanians get “100% Certified German” badge and a mug of beer the moment they cross the border.

    • R C Dean

      My theory; McCain had Flake’s balls, but when he died he left them to Lindsey Graham.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Adolf Hitler always defeats Thomas Jefferson in a landslide.

    More seriously- Hitler offered people the hope of retribution for all the slights and insults and inequities of life. Lots of people find that appealing.

    Keeping Kavanaugh off the Supreme Court is payback for all the people who didn’t get invited to the prom.

  24. Scruffy Nerfherder

    WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

    Trump just buzzed my crotch!

    • UnCivilServant

      Apparently my phone battery is dead.

    • Private Chipperbot

      Was disappointed; no dick pic.

    • Mad Scientist

      Trump made you go full Brazilian! The best Brazilian! The best!

    • ChipsnSalsa

      So all the phones in office went off but mine did not. weird? anyone else have that?

      • Nephilium

        It means you’re on the list…

      • Jarflax

        Did you see what the Emergency Alert said about that Chipsnsalsa person? I never imagined anyone outside a SF story would do such a thing! and in my little pony pjs no less!

    • Bobarian LMD

      My phone did not receive anything. I would suppose this means I’m being deported?

    • Ted S.

      My phone was off, so I didn’t get any message.

  25. Gustave Lytton

    Fuck that cheeto asshole. Had my bluetooth ear pierce in and that tone starts. I want every USG employee to feel that same pain for the rest of their shithole lives. Fuck Trump, fuck the FCC, fuck the wireless carriers, and fuck the phone manufacturers for not being able to turn that useless shit off like those POS amber alerts. Fuck them all into an early painful grave.

    • UnCivilServant

      I don’t get Amber Alerts. I think you can opt-out (of something that should only ever have been an opt-in)

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      iPhone lets you cut them off:
      Settings-Notifications-(scroll to bottom) Government Alerts

      • Gustave Lytton

        It was off. The presidential alert overrides those and can’t be turned off.

  26. Chipwooder

    nothing happened on my phone

    • UnCivilServant

      To be fair, the phone does say “Fisher-Price” on the side.

      • Chipwooder

        har har….maybe it’s the age of the phone in question? I’ve had this thing for 4 years or so. I don’t get amber alerts or anything else.

      • UnCivilServant

        I doubt it. this was an Obama program and of the phones around me, my even older phone got the crap foist upon it. (Apparently I have too many phones, given how few calls I make/get)

      • Sean

        My phone is more than 4 years old and I got the message alert.

    • invisible finger

      I think when you update the operating system it turns the alerts back on even if you turned them off before.

  27. The Late P Brooks

    Fuck off, Trump. I disabled emergency alerts on my phone.

    Stop laughing, you guys.

    • tarran

      Did you?

      Because my phone doesn’t have the option; Federal law specifically forbids it.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        That’s going to be a problem, I’m driving down the street, the Radio goes off, my phone goes off, what’s going to happen in a crowd of Morons?

  28. Spudalicious

    As much as I dislike Trump’s “style”, his comments last night have forced the msm to cover the inconsistencies in Ford’s story. And allows Team Red to reiterate those inconsistencies.

  29. Rebel Scum

    lezzed out with Pelosi

    Ew.

    OT: Just got the first presidential alert thingy. I await the lefty freakout even though this is basically the same as the alert on your tv.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        “”Oh, Nancy,” Dianne exclaimed as she writhed on the blood-warm waterbed. It had been stripped of its sheets and the two of them where coated in a thin layer of GMO-free soybean oil. Nancy lifted the pudding-filled sweatsock of Dianne’s breast from her armpit and lightly bit the coarse hairs surrounding the ragged aureole.”

        timeless, sir

      • Bobarian LMD

        It made my penis cry.

  30. ruodberht

    People weren’t getting unstoppable emergency alerts before this?

    • UnCivilServant

      No, I turned those off.

  31. The Late P Brooks

    my phone doesn’t have the option; Federal law specifically forbids it.</em.

    I turned off Amber Alerts, and whatever other bullshit I could.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      It’s for the best, since you are acquainted with (((him)))

      • Brochettaward

        You people turning off alerts are going to be the last to know when the alien or Russian invasions start. I’ll have killed my first ET or Ivan before you even have your pants on and up.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Why would I want to pull my pants up first?

        Seems to me, pantsless would be the best way to go out.

      • Brochettaward

        The goal isn’t to die for your country/planet. It’s to make the other poor dumb son-of-a-bitch die for his.

        Pants would probably be conductive to that.

      • Jarflax

        Depends on what you’re packing IYKWIMAIKYD

    • tarran

      I turned off the amber alerts, and some other alert. But I was given no option to turn off the presidential alerts .

      • UnCivilServant

        This is an uncompensated taking of my battery charge!

  32. The Late P Brooks

    But- I did get TrumpAlertOne.

    dammit

  33. Rhywun

    It will be even more awkward when nobody watches it.

    • RAHeinlein

      Haven’t your heard? All the progressive are going to watch now…

      • UnCivilServant

        The same progs who totally read comics and play video games with more ‘inclusion’ and ‘representation’?

    • Don Escaped Texas

      NewWife is recording Bergen; I warned her it won’t last: #Resist is about owning others on Facebook, not passively drinking in a patronizing plot and theme on a century-old network. People already have curated enough echo chambers; they’re not looking for a hero to distract them from their very important work as laptop warriors. Or I could be wrong: maybe everyone needs to hear fatuous nanner-nanner commentary from persons wearing stern, disapproving looks….but that’s what I thought FoxNews and MSNBC were for.

    • FOS

      Sara Gilbert got a fat ass

  34. Playa Manhattan

    No alert for me yet.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      KUSC radio said some people won’t get them, and it’s raining, I guess the front didn’t move South and East just yet……..

  35. Just Say'n

    Masterful. Your finest work

  36. Nephilium

    I wonder if someone will warn Disney that this is racist and non-woke?

    • Just Say'n

      I once worked with a guy who was an Indians fan, even though he had no connection to Cleveland. He said he was a Chief A-wa-ho fan first and a baseball fan second. So problematic

      • Nephilium

        It looks like the Indians pledge to only sell the Chief in Northeast Ohio was about as accurate as Ford’s testimony.

  37. Playa Manhattan

    I turned off alerts a year ago when I got an alert for a flash flood that was 120 miles away. The phone was bluetoothed to my car stereo, which was at a…. reasonable… volume. I was so pissed.

    I have received no presidential alert thus far. iPhone 8 plus, latest updates installed.

    • Just Say'n

      Sounds like you really wanted to let everyone know that you didn’t get the stupid alert. Are you jealous?

      • Playa Manhattan

        I just want victim status. SO. BADLY.

      • tarran

        Show me on the phone where the alert got deleted and you’ll get the transformer back.

    • Agent Cooper

      iPhone 7 — not on iOS 12 yet, and no alert.

    • Mad Scientist

      You’re lucky. Those alerts aren’t what they seem. You see, the (((government))) has teamed up with Major League Baseball to track every one of us. This “alert” was really just a way to get you to click “OK” because your phone is really installing spy software that will report your baseball viewing habits. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Put down the Illuminati book and step away from the tin foil.

    • commodious spittoon

      A student in this class has had his go off five or six times now.

  38. Chipwooder

    CNN reveals the redacted name of Ford’s ex-boyfriend, because crabcakes and doxxing is what CNN does.

    • Brochettaward

      It’s among accusations targeting the credibility of the women who have accused Supreme Court nominee Judge Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault.

      Funniest about all of this is that while they desperately cling to the notion that Ford is credible, they barely even mention these other women. But I guess by their logic, since only .00001% of all women who say they were raped or assaulted are lying, at least one of these accusers has to be telling the truth.

    • Just Say'n

      They only dox the “right people”

      • Just Say'n

        Should also be noted that CNN never reported on the original story that undercut Ford’s testimony, just the lady now who contradicts his claim.

        “The corporate press is the enemy of the people”

        – Michael Malice

      • Chipwooder

        Dude is apparently a realtor in Malibu, so he had a good reason for not wanting his name in the press. I hope he’s saved wisely, because his career in SoCal is kaput from this moment forward.

      • R C Dean

        He had to know that Ford would out him. Believing otherwise is just as foolish as believing that you can accuse a sitting federal judge of a violent felony during confirmation hearings and maintain your anonymity.

  39. Chipwooder

    BTW, this amused me. Ken may have abandoned Glibertopia, but he still is with us in spirit! hahah

    Plus, this was timeless truth:

    It used to be a site for libertarians.

    They apparently decided to go for millennial progressives a while back.

    It used to be the kind of place where people would come to learn about or argue with libertarians.

    Now it’s the kind of place where some of the staff (some of the more active of which do not appear to be libertarians) troll their libertarian audience.

    Half the libertarian participants that used to come here split off ’cause they just couldn’t take it anymore.

    • commodious spittoon

      Half the libertarian participants

      Wait, who’s the libertarian who stayed?

      • Just Say'n

        Tony

      • Rebel Scum

        PB

      • Pan Zagloba

        Fist of Etiquette.

      • Florida Man

        I scrolled through and only recognized about 5 names. Unless people have been changing their handles a lot, I think they ran most everyone off.

    • kinnath

      I thought we aren’t supposed to mention “The Glibbening”

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        A lot of lurkers apparently,

      • Naptown Bill

        *looks around nervously*

      • LJW

        I’ve heard if you say Glibbening 3 times while staring into a mirror, STEVE SMITH will appear behind you.

      • Florida Man

        I never did watch candy man. Is it worth the time?

      • Nephilium

        Yes. Yes it is.

      • Florida Man

        Cool. I’ve been in the mood to watch a Halloween movie.

      • Naptown Bill

        If you’ve read the story by Clive Barker it stays pretty true to that, but it stands alone very well. It’s also aged well, I think, and is just generally a good movie. Plus, Tony Todd.

      • R C Dean

        *sits down gingerly*

        Can confirm.

    • Mojeaux

      “The Glibbening.”

      LOL

      • Pan Zagloba

        I still prefer “The Secession of the Yokels”.

      • Just Say'n

        I ain’t no yokel, cosmo

      • Naptown Bill

        I…uh…well, I guess I’m kind of a yokel, actually. A very well-dressed yokel, but a yokel nonetheless.

    • trshmnstr

      Every once in a while it’s worth peeking in and reaffirming why I don’t go back. What a shit hole.

    • wdalasio

      From the responses:

      When there is a Republican in the White House, Reason and libertarians in general are accused of being closet leftists because they dare to criticize Dear Leader.

      When there is a Democrat in the White House, Reason and libertarians in general are accused of being closet conservatives because they dare to criticize Dear Leader.

      I’ve actually thought about whether this might be the case. I mean, the perfect and inexorable libertarian is a myth. We all have our own blind spots. And I know mine tend to be on the conservative side.

      Here’s the thing, though. The last time there was a Republican in the White House, back before I was libertarian, I would wander into the comments and articles on Reason. They were criticizing President Bush and conservatives and the GOP from a libertarian standpoint. On the other hand, while they still sometimes criticize the president on libertarian grounds, they increasingly challenge the president, conservatives and the GOP on grounds that are extremely shakey from a libertarian standpoint. And often they cozy up to arguments that are, frankly, rooted in tribalistic progressive identity politics. And when they challenge the left, its all too often with a Soavian to-be-sure.

      If your complaint is that someone mocked someone who may be falsely accusing someone, treating accusers as inherently above reproach, you probably aren’t occupying the libertarian high ground.

  40. Tundra

    …a two-liter of Diet Coke cradled in her arms like the Christ Child.

    Everyone is looking at me now.

    Great line, though.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Uffda. Didn’t you waste enough time sitting around with FourScore and me?

      Rufus was right, you don’t seem to have a job.