Jeff Sessions Is Forced Out as Attorney General as Trump Installs Loyalist
Jeff Sessions, Exit Interview, 2018 November 7
Donald stared at his desk and took a few deep breaths. He drank the last warm swallow of his Diet Coke, dropped the can on the floor and kicked it under the credenza with the side of his foot. He straightened his tie, shook his head to make his hair giggle and then sighed. He turned the hat on his desk to face the couch and looked around the Oval Office. Donald sighed again, his whole frame sagging.
“OK,” he said, pressing the intercom, “Send him in.”
The door to the outer office opened and the wizened creature shuffled in. Donald did not stand.
“Mistah Presuhdent,” Jeff mumbled.
“What? What did you say? Speak up,” Donald barked.
“Ah’ma here, Mistah Presuhdent,” the elfin man said, his eyes squinting, his hands folded, almost leaning forward in a bow.
“Goddammit, you talk like a fucking retard. You know that? Are you aware of that?” Donald asked, his voice low and tight.
“Yes, Mistah Presuhdent.”
“How is the country supposed to respect someone that talks like he has a mouth full of possum assholes?”
The hat snickered softly while Jeff looked at his feet.
“Is there something down there?” Donald asked. He stood up and walked around the desk. “Is there something on the floor that is going to answer my question?” He bent over to look at the floor. “Nope. I don’t see anything on the floor.”
He straightened enough to look Jeff in his beady little eyes. “I certainly don’t see anything on the floor that would explain why you talk like LIKE YOU HAVE A MOUTH FULL OF POSSUM ASSHOLES!” he screamed.
Jeff recoiled from the from the hail of McGriddle flecks and atomized Diet Coke pelting his face, the rancid tang of sweet and sour sauce filling his nose, the glaring eyes of Donald surrounded by loose, pale flesh.
“Traitor,” Donald said in a hoarse whisper. “I made you Attorney General in order to help me. And you did nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
“Mistah…” Jeff began.
“I don’t want to hear it,” Donald said, stalking away. “All I want is loyalty from my employees. 100% unquestioning loyalty. And you couldn’t even give me that, little man.”
Jeff shuffled his feet.
“Traitor!” Donald yelled. He rushed the smaller man and rammed the prow of his gut into Jeff’s wee torso. Jeff wheeled his arms for balance, staggered backyards a few steps and fell over.
“Traitor!” Donald yelled again. He pulled off his hair and began whipping Jeff with it, repeating with every blow: “Traitor, traitor, traitor, traitor!”
Donald, breathing heavily from the exertion, dropped his hair on the desk beside his hat. He sneered at the tiny, weeping, wrinkled man.
“You’re done,” Donald said, jabbing at his with a forefinger. “You’re through. I want your resignation turned in before I can tweet about getting it. You have thirty minutes.”
“Yes, sir,” Jeff said in a small voice.
“Disgusting,” Donald said. “I wouldn’t even use you as a tampon.”
The hat guffawed.
“I’m going to go take a shit,” Donald said, smoothing the stray hairs on the sides of his head. “Get out. I’ll find someone for your job that knows how to do as he’s told.” Donald walked away and slammed the door to the Presidential Shitter behind him.
“OH MY GAWD!” the hat crowed. “He fucked that n[beep]a up!”
“Guh,” the hair replied weakly.
“Really?” the hat asked no one in particular. “Not even n[beep]a? Really? It’s in rap songs all the damn time!”
“Guh?!?” the hair asked. The hat realized that Jeff was staring at them both.
“Ah bet you faggots think y’all real clever, dontcha?” Jeff asked the hat and the hair as he used the arm of the couch to pull himself up off the floor.
“I think he can hear us,” the hat said to the hair in a stage whisper.
“Guh,” the hair replied. He was spread out on the desk like a splatter.
“Of course Ah can hear you little peckerwoods,” Jeff said, straightening his tiny suit jacket. He smoothed the thin hair on his small head, his little head that was no bigger than a grapefruit.
“How can he hear us?” the hair asked wanly.
“Ah’ll show you little buttfucks!” Jeff said triumphantly and sprayed glitter from his hands at them.
“ELF!” the hat screamed. “ELF MAGIC! ELF!” He began to scream like an angry frog.
The hair got up, every strand erect and hissed. Another handful of glitter hit him full on and he sputtered. “Motherfucker!” the hair said, shivering to get the glitter off.
“DONALD!” the hat yelled as he threw himself off the desk tried to inchworm his way under the couch. A blast of glitter hit him before he wiggled to safety.
“You all have been working ahgainst me from the vehry start!” Jeff said. “Fucking pothead hippie shitbirds!”
The hair scuttled to the back of the Oval Office desk and jumped, aiming himself at a floor vent. “DONALD! GET IN HERE!” he yelled.
“ELF MAGIC!” the hat clarified, coughing out glitter.
Jeff grabbed the arm of the couch and strained with all his diminutive might to flip it over.
“Elf magic?” the hair asked, hiding behind a ficus and trying to pry up the grate of a floor vent. “Is this really magic? I think he’s just throwing glitter at us.”
“What’s the difference?” the hat asked, trying to climb into the underside of the couch. “I don’t want glitter on me, even if it isn’t magic.”
“DONALD!” the hat cried. “COME DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL!”
The hat got up, every strand erect and hissed. Another handful of glitter hit him full on and he sputtered. “Motherfucker!” the hair said, shivering to get the glitter off.
Is the hat impersonating the hair? Did SF confuse his creations? Am I misreading?
Don’t overanalyze it, it’s not the liner notes of a Pink Floyd album. I find it’s easiest to just ignore it, go to your happy place and wait until he’s finished.
What if my happy place includes the hat and the hair? What then smart guy?
Nobody’s happy place includes the Hat N Hair. Not even The Donald’s.
No, just a typo. SP was proofreading me for a few months, but the October of Hillary posts did her in.
I love it.
Serious question: Did Sessions ever actually do anything at all as AG? I cant recall a single thing.
Supposedly he rescinded a bunch of Obama memos & policies.
Donald was uncharacteristically lucid in this episode.
And kind of mean. Like Blake in Glengarry Glen Ross.
I liked it.
You’re admitting to watching that movie?
Yes. It was funny as hell.
Always Be Winning
We’ve got some very fine leads here, the best leads, the classiest leads.
“Dammit, Bolton! Stop trying to lick Jeff’s fudge stripe!”
Honestly, there was no reason to read beyond this.
“How is the country supposed to respect someone that talks like he has a mouth full of possum assholes?”
*outright, prolonged laughter*
I’m saving that one for later
What exactly does your family serve for Thanksgiving?
You don’t have Possum Asshole Pie in Cuyahoga County? It’s a staple in Perry County, right up there with green bean and french onion casserole.
Relevant.
I generally don’t serve either of those on Thanksgiving either. So far I’m looking at mashed potatoes, stuffing, potato croquettes (with bacon and cheddar), alfredo mac and cheese with pancetta, steamed vegetables (probably broccoli and cauliflower), sweet potatoes, turkey, gravy, cranberry sauce, salad, two types of rolls, pumpkin cheesecake, mocha panna cotta, and a cheese and sausage tray. One of these years, I may find a way to go with a smaller turkey and add a ham to the menu as well.
Then there’s the items that people are going to bring… even the people who are traveling and are told they don’t need to bring anything (and if they really feel the need to bring something, wine and/or whisk(e)y would be fine).
Good God. I gained weight just reading that.
Serving over a dozen people (2 of which are picky children), and it is a day of excess. Oh, and I left off the beer that will be on tap as well.
It is a day of excess after all…
I learned years ago that to make my T-day better I just eat a normal amount of food. Forcing myself to eat until dressing is running out of my nose is just miserable. If there are a hundred different dishes get small portions. Just eat a normal amount and nap on the couch.
Up until now, it’s only been turkey assholes, but I’m thinking that might change.
https://www.cnn.com/2018/11/13/politics/trump-support-criminal-justice-overhaul/index.html
“Supporters of the measure expect that Trump’s explicit backing will help propel the prison and sentencing overhaul bill through Congress, a push White House officials hope to accomplish during the lame duck session of Congress.”
How do you like them possum assholes, Sessions?
I figure the D’s will fight Trump’s efforts tooth and nail, even if it is on something they have said they want for decades. He can be allowed no victory, no accomplishment whatsoever.
Apparently now they dont even have to worry about winning elections, they just stuff the ballot boxes in broad daylight.
Almost makes me want Trump to come out in favor of gun control. They would push for the M134 Minigun to be legal at that point.
That reminds me…I have heard a lot of people lusting after one of those things. I wonder if they have priced the ammo. 5000 rpm adds up quickly.
Can’t campaign on what you’ve already delivered. Less so what you helped (or didn’t help) the other guys deliver.
I forget who said this: “Politicians dont solve problems. They create problems and then campaign on solving them.”
Who knew that within a few years, the ACA would be the left’s rallying cry for single payer?
Everyone. Everyone knew.
They will some way, somehow, find a way to frame this as being racist or something Hitler would do. The same thing will happen if/when he legalizes marijuana at the federal level. In some ways it’s frustrating, and in some ways it’s kind of entertaining.
Looks like Putin is getting that criminal justice reform bill that he wanted. What a puppet
Think of the utter disaster if it looks like Trump pushed through MJ legalization and sentencing reform and got all those people back home before the next election? Think there might be some inroads made into some core Dem constituencies?
It would be worth it just to see what sort of “crumbs” statement Pelosi would blurt out. “Sure Trump let you out of prison, but you are still on probation! Big deal!”
That does seem like an FU to Sessions.
There’s one other thing that Donald’s pen and phone could do to rub in Sessions face, own the libs hard and actually do something to make the country better…
Yeah, but his base doesn’t want him to do that. The druggies must be ground under the jackboot good and hard.
Well this is just known
I don’t know if that’s really true. It isn’t 1980.
“a mouth full of possum assholes.”
Damn it, you should win the Nobel Prize for Literature
How dare you. SF doesn’t deserve that calumny.
I could get close enough to Krugman to cropdust his plate of canapes.
I read “plate of crappies”. I thought what the hell is up with that?
I bet Krugman would be a horrible fishing partner. I bet he is a dandy and you’d end up having to bait his hook and take off any fish he managed to catch.
And he would probably have the temerity to tell you that his being a big sissy was actually a net gain for the economy (because he created two new jobs baiter and unhooker) and you should be thanking him.
He’d get spooked when the line jerks and throw your pole overboard.
So he’s also creating jobs for pole, reel, line, and lure manufacturers! Think about how much the economy would improve the government used its multiplier effect to buy fishing gear!
Portraits in Chutzpah: Michelle Obama
You mean, you want to return to circa late March, 2008? Because ten Aprils ago is when it all started.
I think she means “we” as a different set of people than “us”.
“When we’d effectively boxed out these red state cretins.”
Take that, you fucken bitter clingers.
To be fair, that was to a room full of true believers. President Obama didn’t campaign on that in the open. You could argue that in 2012 President Obama engaged in demonizing his opposition, but I don’t buy the argument that it began in 2008
I had a response to your point, but then this video just appeared in my YouTube feed, and well…I think you can understand why I can’t think of anything else right now.
Wait. I thought W was Chimpy McHitler. How can Michele be friends with a literal Nazi second coming of Hitler?
This cat sounds like Cthulhu when he eats.
Can’t hear your videos HM because I am too busy listening to the Plasmatics on my headphones. Why don’t they get more airplay on Classic Rock stations?
Because they suck.
Well yeah, that is just like your opinion man.
The showmanship and pageantry of the Plasmatics made an impression on me when I was a young man. (NSFW)
HM’s spirit animal?
I’m assuming you the pussy is HM’s spirit animal. Or were you talking about the cat?
I’m assuming you think the
I’m just spitballling here, but maybe, just maybe, the labeling of anyone who disagreed with the Obama administration as racist had a little something to do with it.
It’s not demonizing when they do it.
Well of course not, they’re talking about literal demons!
Nah, that’s just truth to power.
I was just thinking about how stupid that phrase is
It makes perfect sense if you’re one of those whose natural tendency is to go along with the Emperor’s claims about his new wardrobe. If that’s *not* your natural inclination, it really doesn’t make sense, because you’ve always done it.
PM May just announced a Brexit deal has been reached – Soros has a sad.
Is Corbyn having a full blown hissy fit yet or did he move to Venezuela?
What if it’s a bad deal that sends the UK down the river?
Speaking of Krugabe- I can’t remember where I saw it; it might have been some nitwit on Bloomberg, but the other day there was somebody climing these fires in California will boost auto sales, just like after every big hurricane.
I bet Krugabe wishes he had come up with that one.
I remember an econ lecture I watched about 6 years ago on mises.org, where the lecturer joked that the mises faculty had been mooting about setting up an annual award, called “The Broken Window” that would be given out to the economist who published the most egregiously fallaciously reasoned article in the past year. But they decided not to bother after someone asked “But what will happen when Paul Krugman runs out of shelf-space?”
Big day for Anderson and Pella ?
Didn’t see that coming.