The Hat and The Hair: Episode 103

by | Nov 28, 2018 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 121 comments

 

“GM fucked us!’ the hat cried. “We bailed them out and they fucked us! Fucked us hard. Fucked us like a minivan full of Little Leaguers!”

“Oh, calm down,” the hair said. “You’re going to rip a seam.”

“We raise the price of steel for those GM bastards, and this is how they repay us?” the hat wailed. “And right before Christmas?”

“Where’s Donald?” the hair asked.

“CHRISTMAS‽” the hat replied.

“I haven’t seen much of him since we got back from Mississippi,” the hair said.

“He’s been wearing the wig,” the hat said, grief hardening to sadism.

“The wig?” the hair asked. “The wig? He’s been wearing the fucking wig? The wig looks terrible!”

[Enter DONALD, a greasy mop of Bangladeshi orphan hair sits askew on his head]

“Hey, guys,” he said.

“Take that filthy thing off, Donald.” the hair said, his voice thin.

“Filthy?” Donald asked, taken aback. “It’s clean, totally clean. I had them run it through the dishwasher just this morning.”

“I’m your hair. Me. Take that thing off,” the hair said, bristling.

“Now you know how it feels, huh? So maybe back me up the next time he wears that retard USA hat,” MAGA Prime said smugly.

“That’s different. That’s just hats. This is hair. Hair!”

“‘JUST HATS?’” the hat screeched. “You take that back, you take that back right now!”

The hair jumped on the hat and they both rolled off the Resolute desk and onto the floor of the Oval Office.

[DONALD, TO CAMERA]

“We’ll be right back, folks.”

[CAMERA UP]

[DONALD stands in a destroyed Oval Office, the hair and hat jammed down on his head. Shredded wig parts are stuck to his suit.]

“See? Isn’t this much better, Donald?” the hair asked.

“Yeah, it’s great. It’s so great,” the hat says.

“All you two do is fight,” Donald said. He walked behind his desk, unzipped and began urinating into his office trash can. “It’s unseemly. It’s unclassy. I want you two to stop. You should be like brothers.”

The hat mumbled deprecations.

“You should have a close and loving relationship, like me and Ivanka or me and Meliana and that creepy little kid who is always following her around. You know, the one she still breastfeeds.”

“Barron… your son,” the hair mutters.

“I’ve realized that I’ve been campaigning too much,” Donald said, “And traveling too much and I’ve let the homefront get soft.”

“And you’ve put on weight,” the hat said.

“I’m at the perfect weight for a President my age. We can’t all look like Vlad,” Donald said.

“You never even try to go shirtless horseback riding anymore,” the hair said.

“Let’s make a Week After Thanksgiving resolution, guys,” Donald said, sitting down in his office chair. “Let’s resolve to be more like our original characterization, OK?”

“Fine,” the hair said, “But, honestly, I don’t think I’ve changed too much.”

“You always been a low energy hack,” the hat told the hair.

Donald snorted at that. He rummaged through his desk and pulled a cigar from his humidor. He took a deep whiff along the cigar and sighed.

“And you’ve always been a racist, bigoted, fascist psychopath, you fucking junkie,” the hair spat back.

“Why, thank you,” the hat said. He sat up straighter on Donald’s head.

Donald lit the cigar and puffed at it until the tip glowed red.

Donald hit the intercom button on his desk.

“Yes, Mr. President?” the voice asked.

“Send her in.”

The Oval Office door opened and a thin blonde was pushed inside. Thin arms and legs, improbable breasts, a wide moonface covered in thick makeup. She said something a thick, guttural language and forced herself to smile.

“Vlad sent her,” Donald said and sighed contentedly.

“Зняти нижню білизну!” Donald told the girl.

“Only Ukranian I know,” he told the hat and hair.

The girl slid her flimsy panties off her boyish hips and stepped out of them when they hit the floor.

Donald puffed on the cigar for a few moments, leering, drawing hard until the fat tip glowed orange. Donald took it out of his mouth.

“Watch this,” he told the hat and hair while getting up. “Bill taught me this one.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

121 Comments

  1. CPRM

    Now you think you can write scripts!? The hubris! *hangs head in shame and starts the slow clap*

  2. The Late P Brooks

    me and Meliana and that creepy little kid who is always following her around.

    Homage to the nuclear family.

  3. commodious spittoon

    “Let’s resolve to be more like our original characterization, OK?”

    Meta commentary on your craft, SF? You’re going Hollywood on us.

  4. Spudalicious

    “Resolute” desk, I believe.

    • SugarFree

      Fuck, you’re right.

  5. Sean

    Where did Donald acquire the wig? No back story?

  6. Tundra

    Holy shit! The Subaru turned the little girl into an old lady!!

    No way I’m buying one of those things.

    • CPRM

      It’s phone radiation from US Cellular. (The dad in the commercial is their spokesman)

  7. Yusef drives a Kia

    That was readable

  8. Don Escaped Texas

    the hair said, bristling

    * golf clap *

  9. Tundra

    “Зняти нижню білизну!” Donald told the girl.

    Google tells me that means “Take a bottom view” which I find funnier than what it apparently really means.

    • trshmnstr

      I definitely forgot to turn on my VPN prior to searching for that. Hopefully It can ignore such a search.

      • commodious spittoon

        Too late, Mueller’s zeroing in.

      • Gustave Lytton

        33 indictments! Must be something to the Mueller investigation.

        (Don’t read the wiki entry for it, it’s a shitshow)

    • SugarFree

      And it was google that gave me that as Ukrainian for “Take your panties off!”

      “Don’t be evil.” Whatever.

      • grrizzly

        знімай нижню білизну would be more authentic. There’s a difference in Ukrainian (and Russian) between the infinitive form (to take off) and giving a command (take off!).

  10. The Late P Brooks

    Google tells me that means “Take a bottom view”

    “Take a bottom view”…

    “Bend over”…

    Whatever

  11. Tres Cool

    “Bill taught me this”

    I…I…I’m speechless with admiration.

    • WTF

      Yes, that was sublime.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I don’t believe Bill used a lit cigar.

        At least with Monica.

  12. Tres Cool

    Even though I’m an hour late, I need lunch .

  13. ron73440

    [CAMERA UP]

    [DONALD stands in a destroyed Oval Office, the hair and hat jammed down on his head. Shredded wig parts are stuck to his suit.]

    That got me, fantastic imagery.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Shredded Raped and cannibalized wig parts are stuck to his suit.

  14. Don Escaped Texas

    Environmental extremist opinions usually have a contrived feel, and we might be right to often call “bullshit” or “not proven” in response, but the bug apocalypse agrees with what I’ve seen: my windshield is cleaner in spite of more aero cars, dusk hasn’t teemed with fireflies since Watergate, and the songbirds and tree frogs are much quieter than in previous decades.

    Chemicals are the true micro-aggressions: we’re attacked in tiny ways we can’t see or respond to. I’ve spent a decade in chemicals, but I don’t know what a sane technical or legal response might be.

    But the Monarchs are fair well gone.

    • WTF

      So, no more mosquitos in Minnesota?

    • invisible finger

      “my windshield is cleaner in spite of more aero cars”

      I would think more aero cars would mean fewer insects hit them. Thus extending their lifespans, thus reducing their need to breed prodigiously for the species to survive.

    • R C Dean

      I think the crash in Monarch populations has to do with the virtual eradication of milkweed plants, which is their main? only? food source. Milkweed has been killed off (mostly, I’d think) by pesticides, but its not the pesticides themselves killing Monarchs.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Herbicides would be killing milkweed. Pesticides Brock Sampson would be killing the Monarch.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        The shear in the air in the old days was greater because the air was turning further and harder because the car was bashing more air out of the way; without getting into a lecture on viscosity, I hope I can get you to stipulate that the stagnation pressures at the grill, cowl, and windshield were higher back in the day: the density, viscosity, and shear (relative velocity) of the air produced a more resistant zone for the foil (bug with wings) to penetrate and a higher drag to pull the bug over or around the vehicle.

        Today’s shear is much reduced: the streamlines (lines of same pressure and velocity) are much closer together with less potential (range/delta) to redirect the bug. The air slips around the car, and the bug has a harder time following, so it can’t make the turn.

        If you remember the shock of meeting a semi head on on a two lane road in the sixties, it’s because it was violent . . . and: the truck didn’t budge. Your BelAir was trying to knock it out of the road, and the truck was returning the favor; those were huge waves colliding . . . and they’re basically half that magnitude now (and we seldom meet trucks at speed on two-lanes anymore, so this is an old story). Anyway, for a bug, aerodynamic drag is the main force on it (well, gravity is irrelevant to this conversation) because it’s not tied to the ground, no Firestones holding it in its lane, so it gives: it is shifted, and the more air you’re plowing out of your way (the older your car), the more bang Mr Bug sees, and the better chance he has of being knocked into the next lane.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        that was for Finger

    • Chipwooder

      Ain’t the case around my house. Bug city, especially the damned spiders.

    • Sean

      Dunno. I’ve seen a huge increase in Japanese beetles & Chinese lantern flies over the past couple years where I live. Damn immigrant bugs.

    • trshmnstr

      dusk hasn’t teemed with fireflies since Watergate, and the songbirds and tree frogs are much quieter than in previous decades.

      The only thing keeping our firefly population down in my yard are the bats and cats. It’s a lightshow during June. The orb weaver spiders set up their webs nightly and feast on the myriad moths, beetles, flies, and fireflies that fly too close to the house. My orbweavers go from a size of a speck in the spring to half dollar sized fatasses in the fall before the chill comes.

      The cats may possibly put a damper on the songbirds, but not by much. I set up the feeders to give the birds plenty of chance to notice and flee the cats. The only birds I’ve seen caught from the feeder were a pair of goldfinches who kamikaze’d my living room window and didn’t regain consciousness in enough time to avoid kitty. We have a giant ass pileated woodpecker that scares the shit out of the cats.

      The only one I don’t see much of is the tree frog. We have an abundance of toads, so much that mowing is a spectacle in the spring. They move out of the way like a cloud of locusts. I’ve only seen a few tree frogs, usually hanging out with the spiders looking for a treat.

      • Fourscore

        The big flying grasshoppers disappeared, followed by plain ol’ leopard frogs that ate them, followed by the garter snakes that eat leopard frogs. I hadn’t seen 5-6 frogs in the past 25 years, ’til this year, saw about 8-10 in the garden. Usually see a garter snake or two all summer. Lots of chickadees/nuthatches/blue jays/red squirrels around the bird feeders.

      • Chipwooder

        Rarely see tree frogs here in VA, but when I lived in Florida there would be dozens of them all over the outer walls of my house at night.

    • Lord Humungus

      Near my house it is cicada and tree frog galore. And the flies that like to come in through the little tear in the back screen. And the damn mosquitoes last summer which suddenly popped up everywhere after a few days of steady rain. And the biting flies on the beach are still doing their most to annoy me. And the wasp nest that got build overnight near my garage entryway light ::shudder:: And the bees that congregate near the flowers. And the damn ants.

      I haven’t noticed a dang insect decline.

  15. Hyperion

    I have to come back later and read the article, after work.

    In the meantime, Florida woman strikes again.

    Best of Florida Woman Episode 65,894

  16. Playa Manhattan

    “Thin arms and leg, improbable breasts”

    Improbably big, or improbably small?

    I can’t finish until I find out the answer.

    • SugarFree

      Improbably big and statistically unlikely.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        six sigma FTW

        ( actually I’m a leg man )

      • Gustave Lytton

        So you’re more into Lean?

      • leon

        Wait it’s not the can bang board?

      • R C Dean

        The “Can Bang Board”? You’ve got a bulletin board for that? Sweet. Does HR know?

      • Don Escaped Texas

        slim
        smooth
        soft
        slinky
        supple

    • R C Dean

      Thin arms and leg

      One-legged, huh? Kinky.

  17. Gustave Lytton

    H&H and Subaru?! Crossing streams there!

    • Playa Manhattan

      You knew it was coming.

  18. BakedPenguin

    Goddammit, I hate Adobe Photoshop so much, I’d kill it with a rake if I could.

    • BakedPenguin

      Anyone have experience with GIMP?

      • Swiss Servator

        *quietly slides zippered hood under desk*

        I have no idea what you are talking about.

      • BakedPenguin

        OK. Don’t expect any new SNPs for awhile.

        Goddamn fucking Photoshop.

      • BakedPenguin

        Seriously $200+ dollars to buy this piece of shit, and they make it this hard to work? FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I like PS I read a book years ago, learned a lot, and it has helped navigate the shitpile that it is, like MS

      • BakedPenguin

        Yusef, your comment & my vodka & Dr. Pepper have transformed my attitude. I will STFU now. Thx.

        Note: I still hate Adobe. Fuckers. But whatever.

      • SugarFree

        Dr. Pepper and Kahlua. It’s delicious.

      • BakedPenguin

        Mmm…

      • Playa Manhattan

        No, Ralph. That’s an F. I must have spilled some Kahlua.

      • Tres Cool

        HOLD UP!

        vodka? Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper and vodka?

        *lets words form in his head*

        BP…Im nominating you for a Nobel

      • Bobarian LMD

        Dr. Pepper and Kahlua. It’s delicious.

        Are you a 15 year old girl?

      • SugarFree

        Are you a 15 year old girl?

        Whatever. I can drink a 15-year-old girl under a table, and her mom and fattie aunt too.

      • Rasilio

        Yes but it is what you do to the 15 year old girl, her mom, and her fat aunt once you get them under the table that we are concerned with.

      • Rhywun

        Some. Save your money and use it. It’s decent.

      • Pan Zagloba

        I tried it couple times and it was clearly designed by programmers. This may or may not be a good thing for you.

        Sadly, Paint Shop Pro, the utterly magnificent editing tool was bought out and mangled by Corell. Assholes.

        If you are a Mac users, Acorn is the best image editor I ever used. Usable interface, everything I ever needed was where I expected it to be, fast. I’ve not used it in a while, though, and it might not do everything you need.

        I know some webcomic artists used to use Manga Studio, which I guess is now also called Clip Studio. Maybe try that. We need SNP (or is “S” even applicable?)

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      I use Photoshop for work. It is frustrating and not very intuitive. There’s some great youtube tutorials though that have helped me whenever I can’t figure something out (which is pretty much every new task).

  19. Swiss Servator

    “He walked behind his desk, unzipped and began urinating into his office trash can.”

    I thought this was a fiction piece?

    • R C Dean

      “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?”

      • Playa Manhattan

        Generally speaking, not when it’s this kind of can.

      • invisible finger

        Marxists banned chamber pots decades ago. Another one of their bad ideas.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        I used to do this with the office coffee pot all the time where I used to work. Nothing wrong with that at all.

  20. R C Dean

    Why Are We Still So Fat?

    In 1976, 15 percent of American adults were obese. Now the it’s nearly 40 percent. No one really knows why bodies have changed so much.

    Uhh, its not because we eat more and get less exercise?

    TW: NYT

    • invisible finger

      In 1976, the NYT had a few useful news articles every day. Now they have none every day. No one really knows why.

      I’m fatter than I was in 1976. Aging will do that. And a sedentary job.

      Could we possibly be older in aggregate and have more sedentary jobs in aggregate? No one really knows.

      Oh wait, everyone but the New York Times knows.

      • BakedPenguin

        I’m pissed off, and feel like being a dick right now, so I’ll point out that I weigh relatively less than I did in 1977, when I was a fat kid.

        Also: fuck Adobe. FUCK ADOBE.

        Alright, I’ll shut up.

      • Playa Manhattan

        I weighed about .004 mg in 1976.

      • BakedPenguin

        We were all sperm at one point, Playa. The fuck?

      • R C Dean

        The fuck?

        Yeah, I think that’s how you get from being sperm at one point to being . . . whatever you are now.

      • BakedPenguin

        to being . . . whatever you are now.

        Gee,… thanks, RC. Enjoy being a lawyer – instead of an actual person – for the rest of your life.

      • BakedPenguin

        Sorry, I took that originally as very, very insulting. Then re-read it with the view that it was a regular comment. Considering your H&R & Glib history, RC please forgive my insult below. One of the few benefits of being a dimwit is that your insults aren’t that sharp.

      • BakedPenguin

        …and that was meant as a comment about my discussion.

      • R C Dean

        No worries. I intended my “you” as directed more at the Glibertariat in general rather than you in particular, anyway.

      • Playa Manhattan

        The fuck? Probably New Years Eve 1979.

      • BakedPenguin

        Dude, when the ball tips…

    • mexican sharpshooter

      It’s the clown’s fault. The clown made us all eat his tasty, tasty burgers. Too bad the clown double crossed us on the fries. I’ll never forgive him for that.

    • Rhywun

      Big Soda. What do I win?

    • Certified Public Asshat

      Yes, some individuals have managed to go from fat to thin with diets and exercise, and have kept off the weight. But they are the rare exceptions.

      Truly a mystery.

  21. mexican sharpshooter

    “Зняти нижню білизну!” Donald told the girl.

    Dear Glibby,

    We have a Ukrainian translator in our NY Office. Is it wrong to send this to her and request an “official” translation?

    signed,
    mexican HR complaint

    • The Last American Hero

      Mexican > Ukranian but Man < Woman on the intersectionality scale. I'd only send it if you are trans.

      • Bobarian LMD

        She’s what ever he claims to be.

  22. Q Continuum

    Man that took a dark turn at the end, I thought he just wanted her to piss on him.

    Who would’ve thought DJT was a character from The 120 Days of Sodom?

  23. Chipwooder

    The balls on this fuckin’ guy here….

    Tom Elliott
    @tomselliott
    Obama: “Suddenly America is the largest oil producer, that was me people … say thank you.”

    1,733
    6:46 AM – Nov 28, 2018

    • Q Continuum

      The funny part is that he believes his own bullshit.

    • commodious spittoon

      Hey, at least the guy supports our truckers. He didn’t let that evil pipeline take oil trucks off the roads.

    • Raston Bot

      IIRC the greens would lose their shit over his pro-fracking policies. so obviously he’s a douche for claiming “that was me” when it was more like “hey, i didn’t fuck it up by getting in their way”.

  24. RAHeinlein

    Today’s trigger – watching one of the Suzy Rotten-*^#($ reporters on Power Lunch standing in a Louisiana soybean field full of rain-damaged, angle-high plants and shrieking about how the “soybeans are rotting in the fields” because Trump.

    • Playa Manhattan

      How are they claiming he’s responsible?

      • Tres Cool

        His anti-tofu policys ?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Angle high?

        Don’t be obtuse!

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Trade wars. The Chinese aren’t buying our soybeans so there is an oversupply in the US market currently. At least until the farmers can find new demand.

      • Plinker762

        So, new soy based fuel additive mandate?

    • Bobarian LMD

      Damn you! I skipped lunch today, and that looks delish.

      And your woman will be along shortly. I’m almost done.

    • Tres Cool

      *beavis laugh*

      It says….dong

    • Raston Bot

      nice looking salad. what’s the entree? harharharhar

    • RAHeinlein

      My husband is jealous.

    • Tundra

      Whatever, Pointdexter. My dog has a comfy bed, plenty of food and a ton of female attention.

      He’s a goddamn genius.

    • Chipwooder

      My dog worships the ground I walk on. So what if she’s dumb as a rock?

      Intelligence is overrated.

    • Bobarian LMD

      My dog is a dumb-ass. An eating, sleeping, whining, dumb-ass. She can do one trick… sing.

      My avatar was was the smartest dog I’ve ever known. Willful and obstinate, but he could understand numerous words and learn new tricks in a few tries.