The Hat and The Hair: Episode 108

by | Feb 6, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 278 comments

After Donald shook off the parasites and courtiers, he went on a mad Diet Coke jag around the city in a Secret Service Escalade, hitting every McDonald’s the hat could find on Yelp, sampling wares both fluid and fried until his bowels rumbled like an angry horde of Congresswomen. “More,” he cried, “More!” pushing the Secret Service boys, nervous like alley cats, further into the streets of nighttime DC, past museum guards getting blow-jobs from lobbyists on the patio tables of K Street, past junkies on the nod outside million-dollar apartments, too high to use their keypads to get inside, past antifa sturmabteilunglings puking in the gutters to post on snapchat.

Finally, at DC’s ugliest hour, 4am, Donald made them pull over so he could wave a wad of cash at a dwindling herd of streetwalkers, working girls, who started at the night all tarted up for the usual post-SOTU vilefest, but just headed home now, mascara running down there face, lipstick smeared off on johncock, most of them even carrying their wigs. The only one to come over told Donald that she would do whatever he wanted. The greenest of the SS boys yelped and hit the gas when she was close enough for him to see the giant penis that had come unmoored under her miniskirt, the abused red tip of it peeking out the bottom like a shy class hamster. Donald screamed and yelled and threatened and begged to go back, but I knocked a few bills out of his hand and rolled the window up on the squeals of glee as the sore-crotched ladies chased the drifting bills through SUV exhaust.

I wouldn’t have let Donald get too far with the ladyboy. That’s not what he really wants. I should know. I am his hair after all.

“It’s time to go home, Donald,” I told him.

“They dressed in virgin white,” he muttered. “At least be honest about being a whore.”

“Maybe you should go home to your wife, Donald,” I told him.

“Home? I don’t have a home,” Donald said miserably. “That just someplace I go to tweet.”

Here was the Donald I had to deal with, the crash off of the high, the bi in the polar. No matter how well he did at the State of the Union, this was coming. I sighed, ruffling myself on top of his head.

“Tell them to take us home, Donald,” I told him.

“No!” the hat roared. “Hookers, Big Macs and blow!”

“It’s time to go home,” I told the hat. He sat on the buttery leather seat beside Donald, tumescent in his turpitude. More, more; faster, faster was all he knew. He wasn’t the one to ever have to pick of the pieces to keep the country going.

“Prig!” the hat accused. “Prude! What you need is to get laid.”

“My sex life is none of your business,” I told him. If I had a gun I would have made the point with six rounds of lead.

“Home,” I said into Donald scalp, over and over until he repeated it. We drove through the DC streets with the ghastly light of another greasy dawn starting to spill over all the filth. I felt sick.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

278 Comments

  1. Trials and Trippelations

    “abused red tip of it peeking out the bottom like a shy class hamstEr”

    My favorite line. Bravo!

    • Tonio

      Agreed. And there was so much to choose from.

    • Michael

      Here’s hoping that class hamster peek-a-dong makes another appearance in a subsequent episode. This really deserves some character development.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      It’s just like San Jose, Costa Rica.

  2. Trials and Trippelations

    Everyone else is still washing the vomit out?

    • UnCivilServant

      Oh, I don’t read SugarFree articles.

      Or most articles for that matter.

  3. Chipwooder

    Virginia Dems are just not having a good week – now Mark Herring, the scumbag gungrabbing AG, is admitting to his own college flirtation with minstrels.

    Allow me to laugh hysterically for a day or two.

    • Chipwooder

      SFed the link

      • Chipwooder

        Best of all – Herring was one of the Dems who publicly called for Northam’s resignation.

      • Tonio

        Oh, that’s delicious.

      • Viking1865

        Fairfax saying “Fuck That Bitch” on Friday night when they were doing damage control meeting.

        Doesn’t have the right temperament, huh?

      • R C Dean

        Fairfax saying “Fuck That Bitch” on Friday night when they were doing damage control meeting.

        According to “sources”. Anonymous hearsay, perhaps double-hearsay, who knows? Entertaining, but no more, certainly not evidence of anything.

      • UnCivilServant

        I have no evidence one way or another with regards to this claim or the original accusation.

        I do recognize a PR problem when I see one, though.

      • Chipwooder

        Eh, NBC claimed they had two different sources, and it’s not as if they are likely to be out to torpedo a black leftist officeholder.

      • UnCivilServant

        Are you asking me to trust NBC, or asking me to put my faith in the bias of NBC making it unlikely they’d fabricate a story damning to the democrat?

      • Chipwooder

        The latter

      • Gadfly

        Anonymous hearsay, perhaps double-hearsay, who knows?

        Very true, and yet “shithole countries” was a thing as well, so I say what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

      • R C Dean

        Absolutely a PR problem.

        Of course, having two anonymous sources adds exactly zero to the veracity of the claim, as no one can verify if you have one, or two, or how the two sources came by the info, etc. etc.

        The real mystery here is, what happened to NBC’s double standard?

    • Mad Scientist

      You chose an appropriate article to SugarFree the link. Meta!

      • bacon-magic

        ^^^

      • bacon-magic

        Howdy!

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      “Let he who has not worn blackface cast the first stone”

      *picks up stone*

      • leon

        So you admit you were never a coal miner

      • UnCivilServant

        Just off the top of my head I recall – Bone Black factory, charcoal plant, scrubbing boilers, posibly the actual coal mine (but maybe not)

      • kinnath

        Its a good thing Gene Wilder is dead.

      • Ted S.

        “I give good French.”

      • Chipwooder

        *maniacal cackling*

      • commodious spittoon

        Democrats: the party of blackface, “Fuck that bitch!”, and Venezuelan socialism.

        Eat a syphilitic dick, guys.

      • Hyperion

        I’m finding it interesting that despite the left’s gestapo tactics of ban, shame, harass, whatever it takes, they continue to get destroyed on the intertoobz.

      • Brett L

        Why, its almost like those tactics only work in brief, transitory windows when a revolutionary technology is expensive and can be controlled, but as soon as capitalism figures out how to give it to nearly everyone, attempts to control people through thuggery become futile.

    • Tundra

      When I was in 4th or 5th grade, we did a project where we delivered a report on a famous historical figure. We had to dress like the person, too. Me: Robert E. Lee. My best friend: George Washington Carver – in blackface naturally.

      Good thing neither of us went into politics, I guess. It never struck me as particularly problematic before…

      • Chipwooder

        My sis just texted me this:

        “Also I told mom she torpedoed your political career when she put shoe polish on your face for your California raisin costume”

        In 1987, when those singing claymation California Raisins commercials were all the rage, I shamefully must admit that I appeared at school in raisinface for Halloween.

      • CPRM

        I wore a Klingon mask, that’s probably as bad or worse.

      • UnCivilServant

        It has doomed you with the label of Trekkie.

        Despair!

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Apparently you’re an incel as well as a racist.

      • CPRM

        just a cel, nothing in.

      • Rasilio

        Well incels don’t get anything in either

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I was Colin Powell for 5th grade wax museum project. I was too lazy to bother to look the part, so I just threw on a suit.

    • Hyperion

      It’s not that the Democrats didn’t expect all of this to blow up in their hypocrite faces, it’s just that they expected their sycophant media to bury it all before anyone even noticed.

    • Tundra
      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Just for a second, I thought that wasn’t satire.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      If they all end up resigning and the governorship defaults to the Republican Speaker of the House, I’m going to laugh until I cry.

      • Sean

        BURN!

      • Chipwooder

        The next level craziness then is that Kirk Cox is only Speaker because the Republican candidate’s name was picked out of a hat in a tied race, which is no-shit the law in Virginia when an election is tied.

      • Raston Bot

        they should’ve had to indian leg wrestle for it.

      • leon

        Or bloody Knuckles.

    • R C Dean

      Here’s the thing:

      I went to college in Virginia in the early ’80s. Belonged to the Animal House fraternity on campus. And not once in four years of stereotypical frat parties did anyone put on blackface. I don’t think anyone even thought of it. And we had costume parties and everything. Blackface wasn’t just one of those things that college kids did at that time and place.

      And yet it seems hard to find a Democrat official in Virginia who didn’t put on blackface (or wear a Klan outfit – also something that nobody in my frat ever did).

      WTF? It seems highly unlikely to be a coincidence that the top two white elected officials in VA did the blackface thing in college, but there it is.

      • SugarFree

        I’ve done a lot of horrible, terrible things in my life and yet, somehow, I’ve never worn blackface and I’ve never raped anyone. It really doesn’t seem like a really high bar to clear, and yet here Virginia sits.

      • Swiss Servator

        Same here – WTF is wrong with you, Virginia?

      • juris imprudent

        Florida envy?

      • UnCivilServant

        No, they’re showing signs of Chicago Pox. It’s where the state churns through elected officials due to criminal convictions or civil torts.

      • Swiss Servator

        I am going with “Florida Envy”.

      • Chipwooder

        We can’t even blame transplanted NYers for this – Northam is born and raised here, and I think Herring is too. Fairfax grew up in DC.

      • WTF

        It really is projection with the left. They accuse the right of being racists, because that’s what the left really is.

      • juris imprudent

        Just because the Original Progressives were is no reason to assume we [still] are. /proggies

      • Ted S.

        Don’t you know the parties switched, dumbass?

    • Raston Bot

      it’s not clear to me why the two blackface costumes are worse than the alleged oral rape. Fairfax is not accused of groping someone as a drunk teen. he is accused of forced oral copulation as an adult. and now it’s come out that his alleged victim previously told a group of women about it.

      Tyson’s Stanford colleague Jennifer Freyd told the Bay Area News Group on Tuesday that sometime last fall, at the start of their fellowship program, Tyson told Freyd and a couple of other colleagues about the 2004 encounter at the Boston convention.

      https://www.mercurynews.com/2019/02/05/virginia-lt-gov-fairfax-accuser-told-friend-at-stanford-about-2004-sexual-assault/

      i’m guessing he’s fucked. i’m guessing Northam’s fucked too. probably not Herring though b/c then the governorship would fall to GOP. but really it depends on how bad the picture is.

      • UnCivilServant

        They’ve ignored actual rape by Dem up and comers before. So it probably doesn’t bother them to ignore it again.

      • R C Dean

        Hell, they’ve ignored actual manslaughter by Dem up and comers before.

      • UnCivilServant

        I forgot about him. My mind must have been on similar offenses.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    “Home? I don’t have a home,” Donald said miserably. “That just someplace I go to tweet.”

    Sniffle

  5. Tundra

    If I had a gun I would have made the point with six rounds of lead.

    Wow. I had no idea Hair was so badass.

    • commodious spittoon

      Looking forward to the gritty noir detective story featuring Hair as a private dick in the case of the bloody merkin.

      • CPRM

        The hair was transplanted from a detective named Nick Valentine?

      • Tundra

        Oh, that’s a good backstory.

      • commodious spittoon

        He directs the stumbling boob who wears him around while he tries to solve the case.

        The hat is, of course, the villain in the end.

      • CPRM

        The Hat and Hair locked in eternal struggle like R2-D2 and C-3PO where the Hair get’s mind wiped each time?

      • commodious spittoon

        LOL! This is great!

      • CPRM
    • Mojeaux

      LOL

      I can help him publish it. I’m not putting my name on it.

      • UnCivilServant

        “I never read it”

        /My ‘Review’ for the cover.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        I never read it, and you can’t prove otherwise. /my review

      • Viking1865

        “Usually I jump straight to the comments.”

      • juris imprudent

        “I laughed, I cried, I puked” /inside flap

      • Gadfly

        “I laughed, I cried, I died inside. 11/10”

  6. AlexinCT

    “No!” the hat roared. “Hookers, Big Macs and blow!”

    Poetry…

    • Tulip

      The Hat is Bill Clinton! I knew it!

  7. CPRM

    Huzzah!

  8. Michael

    Wait…when did the series segue to first person? Did I miss some installments?

    Also, at the risk of being “that guy”…

    …rolled the window up on the sequels of glee…

    • SugarFree

      Dammit. Thanks.

    • Hyperion

      Far as I remember, this is the first time SF has done first person Hair.

      • Michael

        I dig it. It adds an unexpected, substantial dynamic to the story arc.

      • R C Dean

        I liked it, lends itself to a change of tone.

        Now do the Hat!

      • Swiss Servator

        NONONONONONO!!!!!!


        “Swiss, after reading 1st person Hat”

      • UnCivilServant

        Switzy. Poor Switzy. You should have known better.

      • Gadfly

        Now do the Hat!

        It would be SF’s Ulysses.

      • UnCivilServant

        In that everyone has heard of it, but nobody reads it?

      • Pan Zagloba

        First-person The Hat account is what America needs right now. It is the only way country can come together and begin healing.

      • Pan Zagloba

        You know all those stories from WW2 about bombed-out neighborhoods coming together and helping each other?

        Like that but with psychological instead of material ruin.

      • SugarFree

        Now do the Hat!

        I’ve been shopping on the dark web for some DMT.

  9. UnCivilServant

    Venezuela Blocks aid at borser.

    Yet, in its socialism, the Venezuelan regime make a big virtue-signaling claim to be all in for providing for the poor at the expense of the “rich.”

    But wouldn’t taking the aid from the Global Rich in the US be providing for the por at our expense?

    • commodious spittoon

      “They get to eat all the dogs they can catch. What else could they want?”

      —Maduro, stuffing another empanada in his mouth.

      • Hyperion

        There’s no more dogs, let them eat cake.

      • invisible finger

        Maduro doesn’t want flour wasted on cake when there is a bread shortage, The bakers don’t want to make bread because it is price controlled (hence the shortage).

    • Hyperion

      That’s state capitalism, the orange menace is trying to scare us! /She Guevara

    • Rhywun

      What’s Spanish for “juche”?

      • R C Dean

        Manana?

  10. Brett L

    I love it. Very Bill Burroughs, missing only a mugwump.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    I just saw a little local news item about “Come get a free gun lock- for the childrunz” and the first thing I thought of was, “Oh sure, come on down and put yourself on our list.”

    I might be paranoid.

    • UnCivilServant

      “Hey! This isn’t a lock, it won’t do a damn thing to set off the powder charge! What sort of scam are you running here?”

    • mexican sharpshooter

      The VA does that. Stop by the VA Police Window and they’ll issue anybody a gun lock free of charge. I’ve never seen anybody take one.

      • UnCivilServant

        “We offer free locks, but never bought any, because no one has ever shown up before.”

    • pistoffnick

      I have a whole drawer of them. They are some of the cheapest pieces of shit ever made. They might stop a toddler…

    • Ted S.

      I’d like to lock down the children, thank you very much.

  12. Swiss Servator

    “More,” he cried, “More!” pushing the Secret Service boys, nervous like alley cats, further into the streets of nighttime DC, past museum guards getting blow-jobs from lobbyists on the patio tables of K Street, past junkies on the nod outside million-dollar apartments, too high to use their keypads to get inside, past antifa sturmabteilunglings puking in the gutters to post on snapchat.

    I wept. I puked. And I shan’t sleep tonight for the joy and loathing this hath caused.

  13. cyto

    Has huffpo changed to user specific content? Or have they gone insane? Or is this their idea of a spoof?

    The articles on my version of the home page are not what I expected:

    Susan Collins Raised More Money From Brett Kavanaugh Supporters Than Mainers

    Warren Identified Herself As ‘American Indian’ On Texas Bar Registration

    If Progressives Want To Nuke The Filibuster, They Need To Convince Dems First

    Rep. Tulsi Gabbard Says Syrian Dictator Bashar Assad Isn’t Enemy Of U.S.

    WTF? The top Huffpo stories after thw state of the Union could have been posted on a center right blog?

    • UnCivilServant

      Did huffpo have a round of “Journolist” layoffs too?

    • leon

      Easy:

      1. A piece against evil republican moneyed interests
      2. A hit against Warren, she must not be the perfered candidate for the HuffPo editorial board
      3. Piece to shame Dems into nuking the filibuster
      4. A hit against Tulsi

      • UnCivilServant

        How are Dems supposed to nuke the filibuster without having taken the Senate? They Lost senate seats this last election.

    • AlmightyJB

      Verizon tired of losing money on them probably.

  14. LT_Fish

    For those who missed the special screenings, it looks like “They Shall Not Grow Old” is opening wide now – catch it in the theater while you have the chance! (and if they have the after-credits making-of feature, definitely stay for it).

    • ron73440

      Agree 100%

      The “how they made it” was every bit as interesting as the main feature.

    • Nephilium

      Yeah, only for a brief time window though. The girlfriend is going to see it, but I won’t have a chance.

    • Swiss Servator

      I suspect I will have to wait until home viewing becomes a thing.

      • ron73440

        There’s a Blu Ray for Britain, I’d imagine they’ll make one for us soon.

    • Pan Zagloba

      Damn, it’s running in theatres here. Hopefully this is not a one-week engagement.

    • Tundra

      That was funny. Make sure to check out the ads at the end.

    • Homple

      Do people still use the term “fisking” to refer to a sarcastic interlinear critique of someone’s writing?

      Lileks is a past master of that literary form.

    • commodious spittoon

      The mere thought of venturing outside your home is as perilous as taking a brief nap in quicksand.

      Who’s imperiled by a thought?

      Oh, right. Progressives.

  15. R C Dean

    So, DailyCaller’s editor in chief was locked out of his Twitter account for tweeting “learn to code.”

    Apparently, he was told to delete the tweet to restore his account access.

    Leading me to wonder: How do you delete a tweet when you have been locked out of your account?

    • UnCivilServant

      There was a screenshot of it on the Daily Caller article. Apparently they present a screen for your Auto De Fe where you have a button to delete the tweet that also represents a confession and an abandonment of any claim to appeal of the accusation of wrongthink.

      • R C Dean

        I simply cannot understand the apparent addiction to Twitter.

      • UnCivilServant

        *shrugs*

        I’ve never used it.

      • SugarFree

        It’s passing notes in class combined with showing your ass. It’s basically crack for narcissists.

      • Tundra

        Nice. You truly have a gift.

      • Mojeaux

        *raises hand*

        I love Twitter. Well, I used to love it. Now I check it for interesting conversations amongst Helicopter and Hotep Twitter.

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t even know what that means.

      • Mojeaux

        That’s okay.

      • SugarFree

        I don’t think Twitter is inherently bad. It’s just a tool and tools can be used for both good and evil. But Twitter’s the perfect vehicle for hot takes and hot takes are rarely a reasoned argument. Now with Dorsey going out of his way to make it the echo chamber its critics always accused it of being, Twitter is a source of smug stupidity in a world that already had far too many.

        For example, I loved the quote I read about YA Twitter:

        ut a growing number of critics say the draggings, well-intended though they may be, are evidence of a growing dysfunction in the world of YA publishing. One author and former diversity advocate described why she no longer takes part: “I have never seen social interaction this fucked up,” she wrote in an email. “And I’ve been in prison.”

        https://www.vulture.com/2017/08/the-toxic-drama-of-ya-twitter.html

      • Ted S.

        One useful thing I see it get used for is updating injuries during sporting events like football games.

      • Mad Scientist

        Nor can I. Usually my rule is just don’t bother to click on the Twitter links people post here. But on occasion I’m sucked in with a “This is hilarious!” and I click aaaaaand, it’s not.

    • SugarFree

      By learning to have a pure heart.

      Shitty journalists aren’t an oppressed or protected class, Twitter.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Whatever you say Sergei

      • commodious spittoon

        “Sir Gay”? Get a load of this homophobe!

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        It’s not homophobic if you use the honorific “sir”. I win on a technicality

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        You can’t argue with Scott Adams. Usually because I don’t understand the point that he’s trying to make, but sometimes because he makes sense.

      • UnCivilServant

        With all due respect, I don’t care for your defeatist attitude.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    “Swiss, after reading 1st person Hat”

    Swiss

    *EDIT FERRY ASSISTS IN TIME OF NEED*

    • R C Dean

      EDIT FERRY ASSISTS IN TIME ON OF NEED

      You’re welcome, edit ferry.

      • R C Dean

        I have witnesses, dammit!

      • UnCivilServant

        Anonymous witnesses who claim you said “Fuck that Ferry”.

      • leon

        Looking at the context though, it was clear that he was attemtping to show solidarity with the LGBT movemenet

      • Tundra

        *glances askance*

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Fucked up my tags, but the link works.

    Edit fairy?

  18. R C Dean

    Seen on the intertubes, about the chicks dressed in white:

    “The last time that many Democrats got together wearing white, they also burned a cross.”

    • invisible finger

      They still are throwing Catholics and Jews under the bus. They stopped throwing blacks under the bus when blacks started voting Dem. If enough blacks start voting GOP, Dems quickly stop making everything about race.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        See also: white working class

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Thanks, Edit Ferry!

  20. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    Me: Hey, maybe Republicans have learned their lesson about endless war making overseas. Maybe, Rand and his dad did have an impact on the GOP

    Conservatives: Anyone who doesn’t want war with Assad is literally disqualified from anything ever for all time, because of something something

    https://twitter.com/josh_hammer/status/1093220013539033088

    Get fucked

    • Chipwooder

      Ground is shifting under this dolt’s feet, though – look at the responses.

      • ron73440

        I liked this one:

        Ray trost
        ‏ @trost_ray
        46m46 minutes ago
        Replying to @josh_hammer

        right but anyone who advocated perpetual war in the middle east for the last 17 years gets to act like they were smart and correct.

    • ron73440

      I know politicians suck, but the refusal of them to get out of endless wars showed me they are worse than I imagined.

      I went to Afghanistan in 2013 and we believed we were either the last group of Marines or the next to last.

      • commodious spittoon

        Democrats: waging endless war to own Trump.

      • Chipwooder

        Seems to be the truth

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Politicians love to fuck the guy who actually puts his ass on the line.

    • R C Dean

      God-Emperor Dean’s Middle East foreign policy:

      No US troops will be posted in any ME country. If y’all want to fuck each other up, go ahead. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

      Just, don’t let anyone in your country launch an attack on the US. That includes you, Pakistan.

      If you do, I will select a square mile of either your capitol city or largest city, depending on my mood, and I will flatten it from the air. I will give warning so you can evacuate, but any attempt to interfere will lead to the destruction of your air force and your air defense system.

      That is all. May your wife’s boyfriend have many sons.

      • leon

        Not my circus, not my monkeys.

        Ummm. Yeah… Thats problematic.

      • R C Dean

        Why? I’m talking about the Middle East, not Africa.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s problematic.

        Don’t you recognize wrongspeak when you see it?

      • leon

        :sound of disgust: I’m too exauhsted fighting racisim. I’m not going to gift you my labor in explaining it.

      • commodious spittoon

        The left’s vocab guidelines insist on calling anyone with skin a darker hue than mother of pearl a “PoC,” meaning that, whatever their ethnicity, they’re part of the great brown amalgam the left wants to rule. Ha ha, did I say rule I meant lead.

  21. commodious spittoon

    People who bring hot meals into the classroom should be drop-kicked into orbit.

    • commodious spittoon

      It’s not quite as bad as getting in my face and belching, but it’s close. Either way, I don’t want to smell your meal.

      • Michael

        +1 fish in microwave

  22. The Late P Brooks

    I just learned a new buzzphrase

    When Amsterdam’s Schiphol Airport remodeled a terminal, it didn’t buy light bulbs; instead, the company signed a contract for “light as a service” from Signify, the company formerly known as Philips Lighting. Signify owns the physical lights, giving it the incentive to make products that last as long as possible and that can be easily repaired and recycled if anything breaks.

    The service is one example of a shift to a circular economy model. Rather than just mining materials and manufacturing products that ultimately end up in landfills, companies are increasingly trying to figure out how to use resources in closed loops. In a new survey of 300 executives, ING found that 62% of American companies now plan to move toward circularity. Another 16% already use circular economy principles. Nearly twice as many U.S. companies say that they are embedding sustainability in strategic decision-making in 2019 compared to 2018.

    Still, most companies are in the early stages of understanding what the circular economy means and how they could work within it. When asked what’s at the core of the model, most executives say that it’s about reducing waste or making sure that products are recycled, missing the full picture of benefits–if products and materials stay in use longer, that also means less resource extraction and less risk in supply chains, and cutting climate pollution.

    “Circular economy, Dude. I’m getting in on it.”

    “Cool. What’s that?”

    “Whatever you want it to be.”

    • R C Dean

      Rather than just mining materials and manufacturing products that ultimately end up in landfills, companies are increasingly trying to figure out how to use resources in closed loops.

      I guess, if the products can be recycled for re-use in the same or similar products. I just wonder how many products that really includes.

      The “X as a service” thing is old as the hills, though. We have millions of dollars of products and equipment that are under combined purchase/service/replace contracts.

      • leon

        But the millennials never hard about those so it’s new.

      • Mad Scientist

        Please, RC. Everyone knows LaaS is driving engagement of core competencies with scalable best practice solutions and leveraging disruption with paradigm impacts.

      • Unreconstructed

        *checks buzzword card* BINGO!!!!!

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        That was good. I’d have guessed you were an exec at my company, but you forgot to work in ‘achieving synergy’ and something about the strength of diversity.

      • Tundra

        Synergy is still a thing? That was big in the ’90s! How about ‘mission critical’?

      • UnCivilServant

        As long as they are diverse synergies which facilitate rightsizing and goal-oriented reorganization.

      • Not Adahn

        But can you really dollarize the commodification without baselining to a sufficient degree of granularity?

      • Mad Scientist

        The actionable paradigm has shifted, Tundra. You’ll achieve an ah-ha moment in your ideation if you’ll deep dive into this knowledge transfer and bring your A-game to the table.

      • UnCivilServant

        I see.

        I’m sorry, we’re going to have to let you go.

        Your knolwedgeset does not ingetrate well into the corporate vision.

        Also, security will have to walk you out.

      • Tundra

        When do we circle back?

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        It will establish a virtuous cycle to collaborate over a wordset paradigm that will drive our progression to metamorphising our service provision workflow toward an agile and dynamic model.

      • Mad Scientist

        I’m not sure how to promote you beyond Supreme Overlord, but it’s clear you deserve a promotion.

      • UnCivilServant

        Looks like everyone is enthusiastic about bringing rightsizing initiative into full swing.

        Please leave your badges at the front desk on your way out.

      • Nephilium

        I hate all of you so much right now. Between this thread, and two “webinars” for work today, my brain is attempting to leak out of my ears.

      • Swiss Servator

        Because, at the end of the day, from a _____perspective, you will see our technology forward innovation lab producing results!

      • Tulip

        AAAAAAAAHHHHH! Stop it!

      • Ted S.

        you forgot to work in ‘achieving synergy’

        Request it in a kaizen.

    • leon

      If it works for buisnesses, and works sans coercion (no cronyisim) then it sounds like a wonderful innovation.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      Circular economy, aka vertical integration. The Sherman anti-trust act looms large (yes, I know this is a euro example)

  23. Chipwooder

    Fairfax accuser’s statement. Unlike Doctor Ford, she states precisely when and where it happened.

    • R C Dean

      As to why she didn’t report it at the time:

      After the assault, I suffered from both deep humiliation and shame. I did not speak about
      it for years, and I (like most survivors) suppressed those memories and emotions as a necessary
      means to continue my studies, and to pursue my goal of building a successful career as an
      academic. At the time, I found this horrific incident especially degrading given my regular
      volunteer work at a local rape crisis center.

      I just don’t get it. Somebody rapes you, and you do absolutely nothing to punish them for it? I might decide not to report it at all, but that only be so nobody could say I had a motive when they are investigating his mysterious death from multiple gunshot wounds.

      • commodious spittoon

        The Bill Clinton era must have left an impression. Don’t bring allegations against Democrats, you’ll be destroyed.

      • Tundra

        Shoot, shovel, shut up.

      • Chipwooder

        Or as a friend of mine liked to say, “Ice pick, shovel, lime, silence. Some assembly required.”

      • Viking1865

        “Since October 2017 when I first began telling friends about the assault, I have never
        wavered in my account because I am telling the truth. I have no political motive. I am a proud
        Democrat.”

        I mean, that’s your answer right there. She didn’t know he was running for office until October 2017, and then instead of riding the MeToo wave to name him and shame him, she waited until after the election and only told the WaPo. Because TEAM.

        I’ve said it before and I will say it again: the reason these leftist women working in politics, in the media, in Hollywood hate and fear men is because they are surrounded by gropey sleazy rapey shitbags like Bill Clinton, like Matt Lauer, like Harvey Weinstein. The poor things are all fucked up in the head because they have internalized two messages:

        1. Republican men literally hate women and want them chained to the stove. They are rapists and abusers and MUH HANDMAIDENS TALE.

        2. Democrats are the only thing keeping this from happening. Therefore any Democrat must be supported. No matter what.

        I mean shit, prominent leftist women in the 90s said things like “I’ll grab my kneepads” referencing Bill Clinton. Publicly. These poor girls that get sucked into leftwing politics, get chewed and spit out by the John Edwards and the LBJs of the world, but still are true fucking believers that the RETHUGLIKKANS ARE WORSE!!!!! so they live in this fucked up shattered headspace where the guy who takes them into his hotel room, throws her on the bed, and jams his cock in her throat without even the slighest hint of consent is a good guy who cares about women. Meanwhile, his opponent, WHO WAS A FUCKING WOMAN is just a tool of the patriarchy who will oppress the womenz by uh…..treating them like adults who can pay for their own birth control.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    It’s possible to imagine that in the future, an old pair of shoes could be fed into a reverse vending machine, turned back into the base materials, and then remade into a new pair on the spot.

    Sure it is. It’s also possible to imagine I will lay an egg, and inside that egg will be a tiny unicorn who will shit out a hat for you to wear.

    • R C Dean

      *scribbles notes for venture capital pitch*

  25. pistoffnick

    Electrolux takes the money and runs

    “Government can’t give you anything it doesn’t first take from someone else,” Bunker said to commissioners at the time of the vote.

    “When we subsidize things like this [then] we make it difficult for small businesses to create jobs or expand their existing businesses in communities surrounding us. If we vote on our principles then we lose state and federal money. We are either voting on principles or bringing jobs in our community. It’s awkward. Is there a price tag on my principles? I don’t know how I can vote for this and maintain the principles of the free market.”

    Ayyyup! Stop promising money for jobs!

    • leon

      It’s sad that the only guy who made the right choice no longer serves in the local government….

    • robc

      The mistake he made is thinking it is either/or. Without voting for the subsidy they wouldn’t have got the 530 electrolux jobs. But how many others did they lose out on spread across the whole community*?

      Its a classic example of the seen and the unseen.

      *in this case the answer is probably less than 530, as some of the money was state and federal money, so there might have been a, say, loss of 600 jobs elsewhere to get the 530, but only 300 of the 600 were in Memphis, with another 150 in the rest of TN, and the other 150 spread across the US. [Note: all #s pulled from ass] Its a prisoner’s dilemma.

  26. Enough About Palin

    OT:

    It’s been reported that the Democrats have found eleven more points for the LA Rams in Broward County FL. 😉

    • Swiss Servator

      “Point Harvesting”

  27. The Late P Brooks

    But the millennials never hard about those so it’s new.

    “Dude. DUDE! This is awesome. Instead of milk in plastic jugs people throw away, what if we sold milk in glass bottles that could be washed and refilled with more milk? We could even deliver it, like, right to the customer! We’ll be rich!”

    • leon

      And think of all the chicks we could lay!

      • UnCivilServant

        Dude, that’s eggs, not milk.

    • pistoffnick

      There is a service like that locally. But their milk is too expensive and they pronounce it “melk” in their commercials.

      Hard no.

      • UnCivilServant

        That sounds like they’re delivering large cervines to your door.

      • leon

        JUST OPEN THE DOOR AND POUR ME A GLASS OF MALK!!!

      • Mad Scientist

        Now with Vitamin R!

      • SugarFree

        “Fat Tony! You promised me dog or HIGHER!”

    • robc

      I have a feeling the next generation of grocery stores are going to be like the old ones, where you just give them your order (via internet) and you then pickup/its delivered. I mean, its already starting, but the next gen stores you won’t even be able to go in to shop. They will just be a warehouse.

      It is the 21st century version of the 19th century store with the products behind the counter.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Look at Venezuela! Their socialist system has been designed so efficiently that there is no waste! No need to needlessly store more goods than people want on shelves. People get exactly what they need.

        Peak Efficiency!!!

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        We do that now. Order groceries online at Kroger and then pick them up at a designated time. They bring them out and load them for you, but I usually help.

        I prefer to get meat at Costco, but it has been great for everything else.

      • UnCivilServant

        Canned or pre-packaged, okay, but I want to inspect and choose perishable products.

      • robc

        This^^

      • Nephilium

        This right here. Yeah, I don’t even like that one of the grocery store chains in the area has started pre-bagging some of the perishables (hot peppers, tomatillos, etc.).

      • Viking1865

        Yeah I would be down to order dry goods, assuming cost effectiveness, but I want to check the eggs for cracks, inspect the meat, pick my produce, etc.

        Personally, I’d be wary if I was grocery stores. I think they do a lot of sales with people wandering the aisles looking for their list items and tossing in stuff on a whim. If I was just ordering with a list, I’m gonna just order with a list.

      • robc

        Yes, I do it at Kroger and Walmart now, but I can still go inside too.

  28. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    How hard was it to not wear blackface in the 70’s and 80’s? I was young, but I do not remember stumbling upon a lot of people in blackface when I went out on Halloween. I guess it was a southern thing?

    • UnCivilServant

      There were roving mobs of makeup artists and mimes prowling the streets of Dixie who’d surround young democrats and paint their faces in dark hues before shoving them in front of cameras. It was a silent epidemic.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Think of all those innocent victims who are in a box because of that silent epidemic.

      • UnCivilServant

        An invisible box that keeps getting smaller…

    • SugarFree

      Whole life in Kentucky, never seen anyone in blackface. And I knew a gay guy who dressed as a nun three Halloweens in a row.

      • robc

        Same, except for the nun part.

      • robc

        And, you know, the 5 years I lived elsewhere. Maybe the 3-year Nun run was during that gap.

      • robc

        1994-1987 = 5 years. yep, just verifying my math.

      • commodious spittoon

        three Halloweens in a row

        It would have been four, but you dragged him behind your pickup truck?

      • UnCivilServant

        But it was only because of a deal gone bad, not because of anything personal or hateful.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      As someone who attended about a decade of Halloween parties in Norfolk, I’ve been very surprised by this. Wearing KKK or blackface in Norfolk is good way to quickly get the ever living shit beaten out of you. Waking up in the hospital with your wallet missing and on a feeding tube would be just about the best case scenario. The is the same city where two journalists on a date were pulled from their car on a major street by a mob and beaten just for being white.

      There’s nice neighborhoods surrounding EVMS, but Norfolk is strange in that every nice neighborhood is surrounded by slums. I wouldn’t be walking down the street in any of them wearing a white hood.

      • Private Chipperbot

        Well, shit. I just watched that again. At the 1:08 mark, Fletch gives the ‘white power’ symbol while making fun of the KKK. He was meta before meta was a thing.

      • Tundra

        “Hi fellas! Hank Himmler”

      • kinnath

        We used to understand the way to deal with Nazi and Klansmen was to laugh at them for being idiots.

        The youngsters don’t understand that “punch a Nazi” is just giving them credit they don’t deserve.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        ^THIS^

      • ron73440

        Norfolk is strange in that every nice neighborhood is surrounded by slums. I wouldn’t be walking down the street in any of them wearing a white hood.

        Hasn’t changed in that regard.

    • Chipwooder

      Having gone to a preppy white boy private high school in Virginia in the early ’90s, I can remember a ’70s pimp party where everyone tried to dress like Huggy Bear with the crazy color suits and the big hats, but it was just clothes, no blackface.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Yeah, I’ve heard of the clothing thing. In college we had a “Ghetto Party” which was just a couple years before everyone screamed “that’s racist”. In reality, the party was more “classist” than “racist”. Most everyone dressed up as “white trash”, except for the black guys. I have never seen anyone wear blackface in real life that just seems so weird and time intensive.

      • Chipwooder

        Very weird, unless you’re Al Jolson.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Or a comedian, because honestly then it’s funny

      • Nephilium

        It’s a good thing Dan Aykroyd hasn’t tried to transition into politics, his flappy headed birthplace may be a factor in that as well.

      • ron73440

        just clothes, no blackface.

        And still racist, to be sure.

    • Gustave Lytton

      There goes my political career.

      There may or may not be pictures of me with face paint on as a young snuffy. And some of those may be in B&W. Close enough to blackface for government work.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        When I was young I dressed up as Walter Peyton for Halloween, but I just wore his football number with the pads and everything. At no point did my parents ever say “hey, let’s color his whole face black to finish the effect”. It sounds horrible having to wait all that time for someone to color your face.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Also, in case anyone was wondering, Peyton’s adult daughter is unbelievably hot. I once played soccer against his son in high school, too.

      • leon

        See also: every kid who wanted to look like Hulk…

      • Pope Jimbo

        I have a pic of a young me covered in orange “war paint”. War paint was some sticks of some sort of colored grease that you could draw on your face with. I remember it coming in a box with a picture of Indians on the outside all painted up for the war path. For some reason orange was always the last color left.

        I’m guessing orange face is even more reprehensible than black face.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Sure. It’s just like wearing a MAGA hat, you trumpnazi!

      • Rasilio

        I’ve never had my face painted but I have painted a few faces in my day iykwimaityd

  29. Chipwooder

    You just don’t understand what socialism really is, maaaaaaan!

    Freshman Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich.), who has been a staunch critic of the president since taking office, accused Trump of not understanding what socialism is, adding she believes his rhetoric has further divided the country.

    “I mean look, for me I think a lot of people don’t understand it [socialism]. I mean the library and the post office is socialism — so many of the things that we have in our country that we all value is very much based on those values of equality,” she said.

    No ROAAAAAADZ?

    • commodious spittoon

      So one irrelevant institution that’s home to bums, and the other warehouses books. Yeah, that’s worth giving up pantries full of groceries.

      • Pine_Tree

        The post office warehouses books?

    • Mad Scientist

      Marxists are constantly complaining that people just don’t understand them. Their messaging just isn’t good enough. They never seem to get it that people know what they are just fine, and reject them.

    • Private Chipperbot

      library and the post office is socialism

      One forces you to pay whether you use it or not and the other loses money as a monopoly. Sounds about right.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      I mean the library and the post office is socialism

      Two outmoded institutions that are out competed on a daily basis by private enterprise? Try harder, dolt!

      so many of the things that we have in our country that we all value is very much based on those values of equality

      Equality is a shit value beyond equality under the law. Equality of opportunity sucks. Equality of outcome is horrifying.

    • ron73440

      Why would you put that here?

      Some of my brain cells just committed seppuku after seeing that.

      • Pan Zagloba

        Why would you put that here?

        He asked on a The Hat and The Hair thread…

      • ron73440

        It’s a fair cop.

      • Chipwooder

        Isn’t it obvious? I hate all of you.

    • Pan Zagloba

      She isn’t a Somali, I guess?

    • leon

      who has been a staunch critic of the president since taking office

      So like for 3 days?

      for me I think a lot of people don’t understand it [socialism].

      Nice, Trump got them to retreat back to the Motte. “Public Services are socialisim, does he not want those?”. Of course the correct answer is, Hmm looks like the private sector still provides them better.