“Why would you make me go to a country that has so few McDonald’s locations?” Donald moaned, leaning his forehead against the hot window of the limo taking them to his hotel.
“It is neutral territory, Donald,” the hair said.
“Neutral? Neutral? They are communists,” the hat said, voice lowered almost to a growl.
“Seventeen! Only seventeen McDonald’s. How can a country survive on such a meager ration of sweet and sour sauce?” Donald wondered. He thought for a moment and shuddered.
“We brought over plenty on the plane,” the hair said. “They are transporting it to the hotel in the armored cars behind us.”
“And the Diet Coke? We brought enough Diet Coke?”
The hair massaged his furrowed brow. “Look in the lino mini-fridge, Donald. In fact, go ahead and have one. It’s been almost twenty minutes.
The hat was up on the armrest on the passenger side, watching the faces of the teeming crowds go by. “Filthy country,” the hat muttered. “I told him to listen to LeMay.”
“What’s that?” the hair asked, tipped back as Donald guzzled a Diet Coke dripping with condensation.
“Are you ready Donald?” the hat asked, ignoring the hair.
“Yep, oh yeah, totally ready. I’m the readiest President that ever negotiated,” Donald said. “Denucularblazation,” he said and paused to belch explosively. “Norkorea will be an economic porterhouse, China, trade, whatever.”
“Close enough,” the hat said.
“What? Not even,” the hair replied.
“He’s got this,” the hat said.
“What about, you know, the Rose Garden?” the hair asked
“I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden,” Donald sang. “Lynn Anderson. She was a real hot piece of tail back in the day.”
“Glen Campbell, you mean,” the hat said.
“Lynn Anderson,” Donald shot back, opening another Diet Coke.
“It’s a Glen Campbell song,” the hat insisted.
“Just google it,” the hair said tiredly.
“Lynn Anderson released it as a single in 1970, Campbell’s version wasn’t until his 1971 album, The First Time I Saw Her,” Donald shot back.
“Oh, fuck,” the hair said. “Hand me the phone.” Donald passed his cellphone up into his hair and drank his fresh Diet Coke sullenly.
“You’re both wrong,” the har announced. “It was first recorded by Billy Joe Royal in 1967?”
“Billy Joe Royal? Who the fuck is Billy Joe Royal?” the hat demanded.
“I don’t know,” the hair said, his voice sliding up an octave. “I’me just reading the Wikipedia page about the song.”
“Fake news,” Donald said. “There’s never been anyone named that ever.”
“His Wikipedia page says his big hit was ‘Down In The Boondocks,’” the hair said. The light from the cellphone lit up Donald’s nimbus of hair with a bluish glow.
“Oh, yeah,” Donald said. “Billy Joe Royal. Tremendous talent. Great guy. A real classy great guy.”
“I thought you said he didn’t know who he was,” the hair said.
“C’mon, leave him alone,” the hat said. “He’s got a tough day ahead of him.”
“Lord have mercy on the boy from down in the boondocks,” Donald sang with his eyes closed as the streets of Hanoi sped by.
GOD EMPEROR OF… Diet Coke?!
Masterful.
I can completely see an armored car full of Diet Coke following the motorcade.
Weekly deliveries!
Some enterprising shitlord should try to gin up a left wing boycott of Coke for their problematic support of the Bad Orange Man
Be the shitlord you want to see in others.
Just start a twitter that links Trump stories and the Diet Coke Twitter account and adds the hashtag #getwokedietcoke
But then I would have to use Twitter
Ahem. Be the shitlord you want to see in others.
*somewhere, Pro Lib smiles*
Nostalgia.
“Lynn Anderson released it as a single in 1970, Campbell’s version wasn’t until his 1971 album, The First Time I Saw Her,” Donald shot back.
I love these little asides. Very humanizing.
It is like me always pointing out that Istanbul was a hit for The Four Lads way before TMBG was even a thought.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wcze7EGorOk
The first time I heard the Four Lads version was in a Pool Hall in the early 90’s. Once I found out that was the original, I won several pool hall bets with that information.
This is a fun game.
I’m Not Sayin’ was written and recorded by Canuck Gordon Lightfoot, but was technically beat to market by Brian Jones squeeze Nico. Her version sucked, though, even with Jimmy Paige on guitar.
There is one definitive version, though.
I really like these. I email them to my friends in an attempt to convince them that libertarians are not Republicans. It may have worked on one.
“No, they’re not Republicans; they are total nutjobs.”
Huh, I always read these as a defense of Donald.
Norm MacDonald points out some great things about doing parody, and specifically Trump parody.
I’ll admit in my videos, The Hair usually represents what I would like him to do, The Hat represents what he usually does and Donald is a malleable Mr. Magoo blindly wandering around.
And AOC isn’t a real democrat.
kd lang, please.
She’s a lesbo, OMWC. And probably too old for you.
Great singing voice, though . . .
Yes, fantastic voice. Intermittently good material.
I am a lesbian trapped in a man’s body… think I have a chance?
I think you’re too old for OMWC.
DOH!
That was not the lesbian I was hoping I would have a chance with…
Now I want a diet coke. I used to drink it all the time.
Obligatory?
Now I want a steak.
Well done with ketchup?
Let’s not get carried away.
Judge not, lest ye be judged!
Just don’t let him eat that shit at your table.
My brain just exploded.
I experienced physical discomfort from that comment.
Fantastic.
He’s got this,” the hair said
I think that’s supposed to be the hat. At least that’s how I read it.
Will no one rid me of this troublesome lack of editorial oversight?
Maybe stop making your editors run screaming and puking down the hall?
The next generation will be stronger.
How many generations will it take to get to one that can withstand?
Is there a eugenic breeding program to develop this master race of ubermensch?
You know who else wanted a eugenic breeding program.
Iceland?
Warty Hugeman?
We at Glibs are staunch Lysenkoists, so one generation should get it.
*haunted stare*
“I told him to listen to LeMay.”
Also a brilliant line.
For some reason every time I see Slim Pickens riding that bomb down I mentally substitute Lemay’s head onto him.
Jack T Ripper in the film is modeled on Lemay.
-1 precious bodily fluid
I know but somehow I always see him as Kong
George C. Scott’s Buck Turgidson is the LeMay analog. Ripper is LeMay’s assistant, Thomas S. Power. But the confusion of the two is easy. It was Powers, in real life, who said: “Restraint! Why are you so concerned with saving their lives? The whole idea is to kill the bastards! . . . At the end of the war, if there are two Americans and one Russian, we win!”
Orange Man Bad
Cohen’s testimony, at less than 4,000 words, doesn’t change the fundamental picture so much as fill in essential gaps. Cohen will say that Trump was informed of conversations with WikiLeaks about releasing emails related to Hillary Clinton—something the president has denied. Cohen will present a copy of a check reimbursing him for hush money, dated August 2017. While Cohen has already implicated Trump in a violation of campaign-finance law in court pleadings, that check places the crime during Trump’s presidency. Cohen will allege that he lied to Congress at Trump’s direction, though by his own account the direction was implicit. Finally, Cohen will claim that Trump was aware of a meeting at Trump Tower between campaign officials, including his son and son-in-law, and Russians in June 2016.
And those are only the most legally consequential claims. Cohen will also say that Trump has made flagrantly racist comments about black people. He will provide documentation backing up reporting in the press that Trump used money from his charitable foundation to purchase an oil painting of himself. Of all the news, the thing that might personally enrage Trump the most is that Cohen plans to produce documents showing that Trump’s net worth a few years ago was much smaller than he said publicly—a topic that infuriates the president.
“He is a racist. He is a conman. He is a cheat,” Cohen says in the testimony.
The desperation is palpable.
They want to believe!
GOP water carrier that he is, Rush put it best.
If Cohen had anything that incriminated Trump in illegal activities, Cohen wouldn’t be going to prison.
So the bombshell proof he offers is that his client paid his bill? Does the memo line say ‘To shut that porn star up.”?
>>To shut that whore porn star up.
Fixed it for ya!
In this incident, the pornstar part is inconsequential. Unless you’re humble-bragging?
Proggy co-worker is convinced this is Watergate all over again.
It’s so convenient that one guy’s testimony is going to prove beyond a doubt every single preconceive notion that Trump haters have. Although I think he left out “small hands” and “mushroom penis”.
It’s far worse than Watergate, but still just small potatoes in today’s politics.
If you don’t think Hilary Clinton belongs in jail, then your opinion about what Trump has done isn’t very salient.
“It’s far worse than Watergate,”
Trump? Clinton? Or Both?
What Trump has actually done would have had him out of office if he was doing it in 1972. The twitter feuds alone would have freaked everyone out, and you add in fucking porn stars and Playboy bunnies. Hell, in 1972, being on his third wife would have kept him out of office all by itself.
The last 40 years of America scandal has toughened our nipples. The milieu for a scandal of Watergate proportions might have passed. It would take murder on live TV or necrophilia at this point.
Cannibalism. I forgot cannibalism.
I fully support politicians eating other politicians.
That should be how elections happen.. They fight to the death, and the winner eats the loser.
+1 A little blow
Remember how much ink was spilled over Bill Clinton might have smoked pot as a college student in the late 1960s?
What an innocent age.
“Remember how much ink was spilled over Bill Clinton might have smoked pot as a college student in the late 1960s?”
But he didn’t inhale. Only inhale is impeachable.
“What an innocent age.”
Then he went and used a chubby intern as a humidor and all changed..
I don’t know about that.
JFK was fucking 19 year old Mimi Alford in Jackie’s bedroom and feeding her poppers at parties all while in office
Anyone remember when Clinton was in office and one of the Russian presidents was found in the middle of Pennsylvania Ave in his underwear with a bottle of Vodka? Have to assume that Bill was boffing some chubby intern on the Oval Office desk and didn’t notice.
Innocent age? Imagine if they found a picture of Trump wearing black face at Halloween when he was 12. The moral outrage would have equaled the whole of the Spanish Inquisition.
But it wasn’t being reported. It wasn’t talked about constantly. There wasn’t a book by a paid off porn star describing the President’s penis that was then discussed on Good Morning America.
The press made Watergate what it was, and they just don’t have the power they used to and the American public is far more numb.
I think most of the OUTRAGE about Trump is that the press wasn’t able to stop him. Those choose Hilary and the American public didn’t fall into line.
I agree. They wanted to be kingmakers again and it didn’t work.
As far as a half-naked drunken Yeltsin goes, all I can say is I met the man and that would be a tame night for him.
Johns Hopkins was honoring him back in 92 and he managed to show up blisteringly drunk to the reception before the speech. The speech was unintelligible.
The biggest factor in the difference between then and now, is the internet. It’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing when you can work from home and post on Glibertarians. And Pr0n. It’s a damn curse almost 100% of the other time. You get Trump tweeting, lefty retards tweeting, the outrage mob, fat girls tweeting and getting naked, Lena Dunham… well, you get it. Where’s that killer asteroid at? It’s late.
Social media is a blight upon humanity.
It caters to our darkest impulses.
The biggest factor in the difference between then and now, is the internet.
The Internet had a lot of promise that has been buried underneath mountains of social network and entertainment shit. There is a palpable change in Internet culture that has occurred over the past 10 years. One could point to Conquest’s Second Law as the cause/explanation, but I think that’s only part of it. Yes, the Internet has lurched leftward, but it was always left-of-center. The libertarian streak is dying (often at the championing of self-styled Libertarians, no less), but in some ways that’s more due to dilution than people changing their minds. The Internet infrastructure used to be managed by an informal cabal of like-minded people. They are now dead, retired, replaced, or irrelevant. The (quasi-)benevolent oligarchic dictatorship of yesterday has been replaced with the malevolent democratic dictatorship of today. It is important to note that the toxic behavioral trends that now dominate Internet movements were always there*, but they used to be kept in check. Now they aren’t, and have risen in influence such that they can hold sway over the people who run the core infrastructure of the Internet. If September 1993 was a watershed moment in Internet history**, then so is April 2014, when Brendan Eich was driven out of a position not because of merit but because of politics.
* = I’m no innocent on this front
** = Called the “Eternal September”, this is when AOL allowed basically everyone access to Usenet, swamping the existing culture and changing the norms forever (which carried over even after Usenet died)
Clinton has been credibly accused of having knowingly mishandling classified material and deliberately storing it on an unsecure server. That is a dereliction of duty of the highest order.
Trump has been accused of campaign law violations and misspending foundation funds – civil matters and petty criminality at worst.
Not to mention ducking FOIA obligations while in an office of considerable importance while her family business peddles influence overseas. And nobody bats an eye. “Old Granny Hill didn’t know what she was doing, it was a mistake, she’s only guilty of poor judgment…” People rail against phantom evidence that Trump wishes to betray the country. Their handpicked heir to the throne actually did, flippantly, with their blessing.
Trump is guilty of beating someone when it was her fair turn. And being orange. Doesn’t get any worse than that.
His crime is that he managed to win the election they had rigged for crooked Hillary… The left, especially the leftist elites, are desperate to punish those that voted to upset their apple cart and make sure that they set an example that they will never allow the mob to pick someone that isn’t an elite first, and a democrat second (and thus looks after the elite’s interests first).
His crime is that he managed to win the election they had rigged for crooked Hillary…
You post this same statement constantly. I think we all know your opinion on the matter by now.
They had important stuff to do, like finish burning down what was left of the middle east. It does make for some really cute photos of little boys washed up on beaches and little girls sitting in the middle of bombed out buildings, so we can all see how much Hillary cares. She’s just like your dear grandmother, just with more war mongering.
You forgot misusing foundation funds, campaign finance violations, and selling access to foreign governments on the Clinton side of the ledger
Don’t forget Obama. While he was still President, he at the very least tacitly approved the weaponization of the intelligence services for domestic political purposes. Nobody has yet gone to jail for illegally leaking Flynn’s identity to the press, nor for the constant use of the national security prerogative to selectively target Americans (in violation of the spirit, if not the letter, of FISA), nor for the use of classification and a general air of secrecy to hide details of these and other actions that are, by the letter of the law, not supposed to be classifiable.
Obama admin department heads at at least the DOJ, CIA, and FBI used foreign intel agencies to spy on a political opponent of the democrats. This shit if it had been done by a republican would have resulted in a constitutional crisis. It is being hidden today because the elite political apparatus and the media are more about protecting their class against the orange man and the people that voted for him because they had gotten tired of the ineptitude and horrible failures that they have been subjected to be a credentialed elite class that not only fails constantly, pissing away money on a scale that is unimaginable in the process, but wants to make sure it can never be held accountable.
Which I gather is the main point of these proceedings, as opposed to anything of consequence with respect to managing the federal government. (Note to progressives: NOT “running the country”, you dumb fucks.)
Daggummnit. I over slept and missed the prime tweeting time. But the live tweets are still a go.
I’m not going to read this, yet. I need to eat first.
I don’t think it works that way…
That’s how he keeps his girlish figure.
I don’t mean ‘right after’ I eat.
Yes, fantastic voice.
True. And yet, next to Shania Twain, k d lang sounds like a sickly goat. Fight me.
Shania Twain has a voice like warm honey.
And damn, she makes you feel like a woman.
I would totally let her make me feel like a woman,
I wouldn’t have pegged you for that type of guy.
He only does mouth stuff.
I see what you did.
*strongly narrows gaze*
I think that is my first narrowed gaze, and a strongly narrowed gaze at that. I may have a tear in my eye.
Fight me.
I’ll have kd fight you. She’s solid, she’ll kick your scrawny ass.
In my dreams while I slept, I got an apartment and Trump decided he wanted to come hang out there. He just hung around, listless, like he had nothing better to do. This place is fucking with my head.
I had a dream last night where I was taking my first *girlfriend on a date, along with my white cat, who left this mortal coil a decade ago. I woke up quite happy with life since the GF Beth, who was 15 at the time, looked even better than reality.
*for two nights
I dreamt I had a dream last night. A dream as real as me. A dream within a dream. It was a funny little dream.
That wasn’t a dream, that was your life passing before your eyes. Congrats you are now in the afterlife, the fact that there is a Sugarfree post on your first day here should give you a clue as to which destination you arrived at.
Ah Hell… ::kicks molten pebble::
Did you have diet coke and some McDonald’s orange sauce?
she makes you feel like a woman.
I’ll say. Maybe two.
Billy Joe
Damn, for an obviously misogynist, rapey, racist white dude, that guy sure can moon walk. Is that where Michael stole it from?
Ya’ll are missing it. Apparently, Cohen did have the pee tapes. They’re showing them right now…
OK, if ya’ll are going to miss out, I’m going to watch and provide live coverage…
*gets popcorn*…
‘Oh shit, that’s not Trump!’ It’s Mike S speaking in broken German while a German pee girl is pissing on his stamp collection! I knew it! The Orange one is innocent, impeach Mike S!
Don’t just leave us hanging…
hey he’s “busy”
Winston’s mom.
*gets popcorn*…and hot dish to watch MikeS
MikeS is really MikeC?
And also MikeP. All Mikes are the same one.
Nein! Münzsammlung! Ich sammle Münzen!!!11!!!
Stop it, denier! I know that Nein means NO, because our little grand daughter who lives in Berlin, says it every time her mom tries to make her eat something she doesn’t like. Denier!
LOL+FFS
Obama didn’t even have to threaten.
Damn young whippersnapper.
You know who else had schools hide his transcripts?
Some Kenyan usurper from the Choom Gang?
Sure he did. And you have the pee tapes, Mikey. Yes, Cummings and that bug eyed retard, Schiff, would definitely believe all of that. Good thing for public education, that half of the public will also believe it. It’s the other half you’re going to have some credibility issues with. Geez, I don’t know why.
And according to the article, it’s totally legit as the school is legally bound to not release it unless authorized by Trump. Nice Smocking Gun there.
The President doesn’t get attorney-client privilege anymore, I wonder how long until the transcripts get forced out (“leaked by an anonymous source”) too?
Happened to Bush. Huh, maybe that’s why Trump felt he had to remind the schools of their legal responsibilities?
Yep, and his grades at Yale were better than Kerry’s, but that didn’t change the 2004 narrative that Kerry was the scholar/reluctant but noble warrior and Bush was idiot sort of draft dodger Hitler.
I’m sure Dems are busy finding the public’s right to his grades in the same place they found their right to his tax returns.
From The New York Times live feed:
But the House is about to vote on the first control control bill in 25 years. Things are happening outside this hearing.
That’s a gun control bill. Quite a Freudian slip there, Jonathan Weisman.
“he first control control bill ”
Bladder control? Sounds like a good idea with all the geriatrics in congress. Does it fund depends for them?
I thought even “gun control” was out (too obvious as to the intent) and the new phrase was “gun safety” (which oddly has no connection whatsoever to anyone’s safety)?
We are controlling control. If we wish to make it controlled, we will control it. If we wish to make it controlled, we will tune it to control. We will control the control. We will control the control. We can roll the control, make it flutter. We can change the control to a soft control, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the rest of your life, sit quietly, and we will control all that you see and hear.
+1 outer limits
There is nothing wrong with your internets. Do not attempt to adjust your clicks. We are controlling your pr0n.
Silly me. I meant to say control control.
Well of course. If we don’t control control the serfs might control themselves and then where will we be.
People doing stuff without it being taxed and regulated. Cats and dog sleeping together. The end.
KAOS?
Can we use the cone of silence, Chief?
They’ve got some new useful idiots on their side, though.
At least they admit it’s an infringement.
and yet, ‘shall not be infringed’ does even cross their minds.
Let me guess, they’re all above the rank of colonel.
Probably a real hard charger like this fella.
I can never laugh at that video enough.
Christ, I was never in the military, have limited shooting experience (compared to some of you guys) and I can handle a rifle better than that.
What an asshole.
I assume you’re speaking of the reporter, not the general? The reporter was just laughable. I’ve seen middle-aged kids firing ARs at the range who put that clown to shame. But the retired general wasn’t much either for a man who made his career in the profession of arms. Chicken wing, trigger jerk, poor recoil control.
Full Semi Auto
Middle school aged, that is
Zomg! That car has racing stripes and a spoiler like a race car! How is it street legal???
He’s a General and he didn’t even shoulder the damned thing. And he uses the term “full semi-auto”. He’s a ‘tard.
Also, assuming this is the letter he’s talking about (it’s two years old, don’t know why he’s writing about it now), yeah, they’re all flag rank.
When general[s] and admirals speak, veterans like me tend to listen
What is, shit I have never heard or seen an actual veteran do.
OK, then.
It’s also a moral imperative that we destroy the economy and go back to hunter/gatherer times. Because.
Cuomo says, “Yes!”
“the weather. It’s too cold.”
So, climate change is the culprit for why people are leaving NYC today. But it’s warmer than it’s ever been because global warming… and that’s causing people to leave. Right, got it.
They’re escaping New York in anticipation of rising seawater in a century.
Yes, I’ll finally be free to gambol.
*strips off clothes, runs into the woods, and dies of hypothermia*
Maybe it is just me but none of the guys I served with had anything at all good to say about the majority of people above Lt Col. A smattering of individuals here and there were respected but most of them were hated. They were however loyal to some of the good Captains and Majors and most of the Senior NCO’s and took what they said very seriously.
Same here. I knew one full-bird and a couple of Lt. Col’s I respected. Al Gray seemed like a good Commandant. The rest were politicians in uniform and I could not care less what they have to saw. Most of them know less about guns than the average civilian hunter.
Our group commander in Okinawa, a colonel, was pretty fucking awesome. He was a mustang, and while that doesn’t automatically make someone a better officer, in my experience it gives them a perspective the guys who come straight out of OCS or an academy don’t have. Our detachment CO, a captain, was also a mustang and I liked him quite a bit as well. Our squadron CO wasn’t, and that guy was an immense asshole.
It’s not automatic for Mustangs but damn close.
“signed by 13 retired officers”
None of them were voted into their (former) positions, so I consider their policy recommendations illegitimate.
They contend this infringement on constitutional rights is necessary to protect American safety.
And they admit that their purpose is outside the legitimate scope of the Constitution (to protect individual rights).
And I can’t seem to close my emphasis tag.
It’s the Constitution’s function to control control.
Your daily reminder that Michael Harriot is a fucking moron, Obtuse Analogy Edition:
Meh, I don’t think it’s that bad. But you could have all kinds of fun with it, too. Like, being black doesn’t make you not racist: some species of fish eat their own kind.
I definitely shouldn’t quit my day job.
waht?
Having sex without someone doesn’t turn you into them, therefore the only way to not be a racist is to be black.
Yea. Even the example doesn’t follow the original logic. Dude’s an idiot (and actually racist, I’d wager).
One of my buddies married a black chick and now he can swim!
So there!
But can he jump. That’s the real test. Otherwise, still racist.
I suppose. After all racist slave holders did rape their slaves. But, very different than dating someone.
Something something South Park something something Kanye West something something fish sticks.
But the House is about to vote on the first control control bill in 25 years.
Haha, somebody hasn’t been paying attention.
I’ll have kd fight you. She’s solid, she’ll kick your scrawny ass.
Do I pay her, or you?
They play smart people on TV.
https://metro.co.uk/2019/01/31/big-bang-theory-jussie-smollett-share-support-after-attacked-in-hate-crime-8422706/
Aged like a fine milk.
a recent letter from the political gun-control group Giffords Veterans Coalition signed by 13 retired officers. That letter advised Congress that passing background checks that ban private gun sales is a moral imperative. They contend this infringement on constitutional rights is necessary to protect American safety.
Treasonous cowards.
Dating a black person does not mean you can’t be racist.
If I knew who Michael Harriot was, I still wouldn’t care what he thinks.
He’s super important – he edits The Root, after all!
The Root, oh yeah, that… what? Is that a lefty publication on how to grub roots for dear leader when things get tough? Like the next 1000 years after the Green New Deal goes in effect?
Aw, man, I’ve linked many a piece of Root idiocy over the years. It’s the Gawker affiliate for dusky-hued people.
I like to call it The Website That Stopped Mentioning Jussie Smollet.
Who?
Courtesy of TOS, here’s a story mostly forgotten – the Waco
police assaultbiker shootout cases continue to fall apart as three more indictments were dismissed.He’s super important – he edits The Root, after all!
Yikes. A towering intellect, then.
Something something South Park something something Kanye West something something fish sticks.
*adds fish sticks to grocery list*
I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t messin with no broke … fish?
Bitch, you ain’t no hobbit, is you?
I may as well do it…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32s1zi4SwaE