The Hat and The Hair: Episode 114

by | Mar 20, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 214 comments

 

 

“Why are we doing this?” the hair asked.

“Because Donald asked us to,” the hat replied.

They were in the massive sprawl of tunnels President Kennedy had the Army Corps of Engineers build to connect the White House with various hotels and love nests around the city. In grand pharaonic tradition, the engineers had been killed afterward in order to keep the secrets built into the tunnels, their bodies thrown into the Potomac and families paid off with Cold War black budgets. The hat and the hair zipped along on a small electric scooter that had controls scaled down for the hair’s manipulatory tendrils.

“Poonhound,” the hat said. “Total poonhound.”

“I don’t know how Kennedy told people these were Cold War evacuation routes,” the hair said. “There is erotic art on almost every wall.” Close-ups of vulvas stretched as far as they could see in the dim light.

“He died of syphilis, you know,” the hat said.

“Who?”

“Kennedy. JFK,” the hat replied.

“He was shot. In Dallas. In the head. There is film of it,” the hair said dryly.

“All fake. Fake news. The ultimate fake news. Someone was shot that day, someone’s brains were all over Jackie, but it wasn’t John F. Kennedy. He was already in an asylum in Europe.”

“No, he wasn’t!”

“His nose had fallen off, so they had to have the double take over the public appearances,” the hat said. “JFK smelled like rot and death and crazy. Jackie hadn’t touched him since Junior was conceived.”

“What about Dallas, then?” the hair asked. He swerved to avoid a rat carcass.

“Hey, watch it!” the hat said.

“Just hold on!” the hair told.

“With what?” the hat screamed and went tumbling off the scooter, rolling in the filth on the tunnel floor.

“Are you OK?” the hair asked.

“No!’ the hat screeched back at him. “The floor is all sticky.”

“Sticky?”

“Oh, God. It’s jizz. There’s jizz all over the floor!”

“Ew!”

“There’s jizz all over ME! Old jizz! Old president jizz!”

“Not the first time, I’m sure,” the hair muttered.

“I heard that!” the hat spat. He inched himself back to the scooter and the hair helped him on board.

“You were telling me about Dallas?” the hair prompted.

“I hate it down here,” the hat said, ignoring him. “I bet there isn’t even anything down here.”

“Donald said he heard it from a reliable source,” the hair said, setting the scooter trundling down the dark jizz tunnel.

“The Lost Gold of Gerald Ford? Since when did Gerald Ford have any gold?”

“Donald says it’s enough to build The Wall,” the hair said.

“God only knows what he’s tweeting while we’re down here,” the hat said darkly.

 

The two of them reached another dead-end, a cave-in, rubble and re-bar everywhere.

“Well, shit,” the hat said. “I guess we should go back to the last intersection.”

“Why isn’t there a map?” the hair asked again.

“There’s nothing down here. We’re going to get lost. We’re going to get lost and die down here.”

“If I die first,” the hair said, “I give you permission to eat my body.”

“Thank you. That’s very kind of you.”

“And?” the hair asked.

“And if I die first, keep your fucking hands off my body,” the hat said.

They rode along in silence until they reached the last intersection.

“Left or straight ahead?” the hair asked.

“Left.”

The hair drove straight ahead.

“Asshole,” the hat said.

 

The tunnel they were in was decorated with thousands of nipple pictures: big, pink, dark, inverted, bumpy, puffy, erect and flat, all the nipples of the human color wheel.

“What would Donald do if we died down here?” the hair finally asked.

“What he’s doing now, I imagine,” the hat said. “Wear a regular man wig and take advice from USA hat.”

“Oh, Jesus. America would be doomed.”

“Toby Keith would be the poet laureate,” the hat said.

“Air Force One would be a tractor.”

“Iowa would matter.”

“No,” the hair said, horror in his voice. “That would be terrible. There’s already too much Iowa now.”

“All Iowa,” the hat said tonelessly. “Wall-to-wall Iowa.”

“SCOTUS would be called on to settle The Great Ford-Chevy Truck debate,” the hair said, his hollow laugh echoing.

“I hate USA hat,” the hat said. “He dilutes my brand.”

 

Tune in next week for PART 2 of THE LEGEND OF GERALD FORD’S GOLD

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

214 Comments

  1. Dr. Fronkensteen

    Gerald Ford was the one who told Nixon to close the gold window. It’s all becoming clear now.

  2. kinnath

    “Iowa would matter.”

    “No,” the hair said, horror in his voice. “That would be terrible. There’s already too much Iowa now.”

    “All Iowa,” the hat said tonelessly. “Wall-to-wall Iowa.”

    Iowa Lives Matter.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Is this Heaven? No, It’s Iowa.

      • Old Man With Candy

        Worst. Movie. Ever. Except for Jaws.

      • Tundra

        No. The American President is the worst movie ever. FoD is the second worst.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Side point. They were commenting on global warming in that movie (1995) Weren’t we all supposed to be dead now?

      • Chipwooder

        What about The Day After Tomorrow?

        Or Bulworth. Dear God.

      • AlexinCT

        Let me guess…

        You are a YUGE fan of Waterworld…

      • Gustave Lytton

        If by Waterworld, you mean Jean Tripplehorn, then yes.

      • Drake

        Seconded!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Sorry, I should have put sopping wet Jeanne Tripplehorn there.

      • Chipwooder

        I’ve never seen Waterworld.

      • AlexinCT

        There are 2 versions. One has Kostner ruining it but wet chick is OK. The others all are some knockoff of a Japanese Bukake flick.

      • Chipwooder

        I’ve seen Costner’s other big flop, The Postman, which is hilariously bad enough to be inadvertently entertaining.

      • Jarflax

        Can someone photoshop that pic with a narrowed gaze for Swiss?

      • Swiss Servator

        No, no! It must remain the wild eyed Cap’n Quint.

      • pan fried wylie

        I think there’s room for a Cap’n Squint as well

      • Swiss Servator

        *narrows gaze*

        Hey, wait a minute..!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Geez, no love for Seagal Versus Shark?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I think Steve captures the drama in the moment quite well. His breadth and range of emotion fulfill the requirements for the role.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Fine, give me a minute

      • Mad Scientist

        Sharks have a Chuck Norris week.

    • Timeloose

      An the Lincoln slave arena, he didn’t free them all.

      • slumbrew

        That whole episode is excellent. Keith David will always be my president.

  3. The Late P Brooks

    The ultimate fake news. Someone was shot that day, someone’s brains were all over Jackie, but it wasn’t John F. Kennedy. He was already in an asylum in Europe.

    I KNEW IT!

  4. commodious spittoon

    Even the Hat worries about Trump tweeting unsupervised.

  5. commodious spittoon

    What do you suppose Hair tastes like? Spray tan and whatever’s the equivalent of Fixodent for wigs?

  6. Tundra

    The bickering is just so perfect.

    They rode along in silence until they reached the last intersection.

    “Left or straight ahead?” the hair asked.

    “Left.”

    The hair drove straight ahead.

    “Asshole,” the hat said.

    Every week I wonder how it could possibly be better. And yet it always is.

    • hayeksplosives

      Like an old married couple

    • Chipwooder

      This is definitely my favorite one yet, not least because it’s the least stomach-churning.

  7. pan fried wylie

    I missed the PV thread.

    The desulfonator, “it sounds like snake oil…”. That explanation about atomic resonance does sound like bullshit. The sulfur crystal accumulation is an electroplating phenomenon. A “high frequency” pulse is going to be AC so it disrupts the electroplating chemistry. /armchair-physicist

    “At one point the article had a rant about scammy tax-subsidy-dependent solar companies.”

    Living back in Four Corners MD, watching a bunch of assholes with half-million+ dollar homes get subsidies for PV….magically, electricity is way cheaper in a county that doesn’t hand out PV installs to anybody that can afford the down payment.

    • Naptown Bill

      “Four Corners…where is that I wonder…sounds like Montgomery County…”
      *the Internet…*
      “I knew it.”

      I don’t know what the subsidy situation is in my ‘hood but I think we’ve either reached the saturation point or they’ve cut them off, because about five years ago you couldn’t swing a stick without hitting a solar panel company willing to lease panels for a song, and now they’re pretty thin on the ground. A local whackadoo I know from the bars actually had a business doing “green energy” consulting that involved a lot of solar panel installations. Allegedly he’s off the grid himself, but I’m frankly skeptical.

    • hayeksplosives

      I am a big believer in desulating lead acid batteries. Managed to eke out 8 years of useful life per battery in my Ford Expedition in Minnesota. Also revived riding motor batts, and more importantly, scads of optima Red Tops we used at work in big banks.

      The fast pulses applied by the desulfator knocks the sulfur off the plates and it gets back into solution.

      Doesn’t work if the batteries are so drained and abused that the plates have bent though.

  8. invisible finger

    “Close-ups of vulvas stretched as far ”

    Nobody wants to see vulvae stretched that much.

    • Swiss Servator

      STEVE SMITH BEG DIFFER.

      • invisible finger

        Admittedly your eyes can’t see very wide if your gaze is narrowed.

    • Jarflax

      STRAIGHT SMITH DISAGREE WITH PUNY FINGER MAN

      • Jarflax

        MUST HIT F5 NEXT TIME

      • Swiss Servator

        “STRAIGHT SMITH”

        Hmmm….

      • AlexinCT

        NOOOOOO!

        Now we are gonna get HUMP SMITH, and CURVED SMITH, and a CRANK YANK SMITH, and all of that!

      • Rhywun

        SASSY SMITH SAY HOLLA

      • AlexinCT

        How does this Smith do the work? Is he the raper or the rapee?

      • Swiss Servator

        SASSY SMITH RAPE YOU, THEN SAY “TALK TO HAND”!

      • AlexinCT

        So this smith does the ugly deed to you still, and then gives you shit about it? What a family…

      • Spudalicious

        FAAABULOOUUSS SMITH!

        Complete with glitter bombs.

  9. AlexinCT

    They were in the massive sprawl of tunnels President Kennedy had the Army Corps of Engineers build to connect the White House with various hotels and love nests around the city. In grand pharaonic tradition, the engineers had been killed afterward in order to keep the secrets built into the tunnels, their bodies thrown into the Potomac and families paid off with Cold War black budgets

    I KNEW IT!

    Nobody paid $500 a pop for 50K toilet seats! And the claims that crap was to create a black budget for projects like the Apollo missions to go find nubile alien women on the moon, fund freaking the infancy of SDI, or even lay the groundwork for the F-117 was bullshit! It was to hide the Kennedy pedigree’s philandering ways!

  10. AlexinCT

    setting the scooter trundling down the dark jizz tunnel.

    Euphemism???

    • WTF

      That right there was my favorite line.

      • Not Adahn

        See, that just killed the realism for me. No way was JFK virile enough to fill an entire tunnel, much less with spunk that would still be there 50 years after his death. And don’t give me “other presidents had access to the tunnels too,” ain’t one of them with the balls to pull off such a feat. Not even Michelle.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    No. The American President is the worst movie ever

    Bah! Never again will I be able to walk out of a theater and, say, “That was the worst movie I ever saw.”

    Why? Because i have seen Starship Troopers.

    • hayeksplosives

      Amen to that. They had the decency to name it something else.

    • AlexinCT

      You must not have seen the Ghostbusters remake…

      • pan fried wylie

        Look, that was bad in comparison to what it was trying to remake, it was hardly the Worst Movie Ever.

        5th worst, tops.

    • Chipwooder

      The Master of Disguise

      /thread

    • Rebel Scum

      I like Starship Troopers…

      • Mojeaux

        There’s no sin in liking bad movies. You just don’t ADMIT it.

      • Rebel Scum

        People admit to liking Jaws. Jaws is terrible. It is so bad that other shark movies incorporate aspects of Jaws in a sort of self-parody, acknowledging the absurdity.

      • AlexinCT

        SHARKNADO FTW!

      • Mad Scientist

        Jaws is one of the best movies ever made. You whackaloons who don’t appreciate it astound me.

      • Spudalicious

        JAWS. IS. THE. BEST. MOVIE. EVER.

      • Nephilium

        Mojeaux. There is a fine line between bad movies that are epic in their badness, and therefore entertaining. And then there’s the films that fail at even that. As an example: My Name is Bruce, Zombeavers, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Mortal Kombat, Boondock Saints. These are all bad movies, but they are entertaining and fun.

        I will admit to liking all of those, and even being entertained by Starship Troopers (once I divorced it from the book entirely in my mind).

      • Grummun

        +1 Zombeavers. And make sure to stay for the closing credits.

      • Creosote Achilles

        I … am of two minds about it. On the one hand; as an adaptation of Heinlein’s work, and the only major movie one at that, it’s terrible. it’s drek. Verhoeven can fuck himself with some Ikea furniture.

        As a movie in its own right, it’s a good bad movie. And hey, we get to see plenty of Dina Meyers (Sp?) tits. So that’s plus. And Doogie Howser in SS Drag.

      • Rhywun

        I’ve haven’t read the source material so for me it’s just a very enjoyable B movie. The deliberate cheese is fun.

      • Rebel Scum

        And I thought the intention was to demonstrate the absurdity of the fascist, militarized system the humans have in the movie.

      • SugarFree

        The book plays it straight. And largely sticks to only discussing boot camp.

        It was originally written for Scribner’s line of juvenile novels by Heinlein, but they were shocked by the violence and the quasi-authoritarianism and published it as an adult title.

        And it is pretty obvious that one of the screenwriters had read Armor by John Steakley since many scenes are lifted straight out of it.

        https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/102327.Armor

      • R C Dean

        Good book, Armor. To this day I tell people “You are what you do when it counts.” Haven’t read it in ages, but I should see if I still have my copy.

        I had the same thought when I saw Starship Troopers.

      • SugarFree

        Vampire$ is pretty good as well. It also contains the immortal line: “She spread her legs so wide I could see her liver.”

      • Nephilium

        There’s arguments that the Invasion of the Body Snatchers book was based on the Puppet Masters by Heinlein, and therefore the movies could be linked. There was also the Destination Moon film that came out in 1950 (although I haven’t seen it, where’s TedS to comment on it?)

      • Ted S.

        I don’t get off work until 2:30.

        George Pal was an interesting person.

      • Chipwooder

        Also with Donald Sutherland? Does he have to be in every alien-possession movie?

      • Chipwooder

        Has anyone ever figured out what Nimoy’s partial glove-like thing was supposed to be in that?

      • SugarFree

        In an interview:

        NIMOY: We were looking for something that the character could wear that was distinctive and immediately recognizable. I got the idea from a friend who had a badly burned hand and wore the leather covering.

      • Chipwooder

        Hmmmm….yes, I supposed “distinctive” and “weird and impossible not to notice” are roughly the same thing.

    • Ted S.

      I must be the only person here who’s seen Dondi.

      • Swiss Servator

        They made that ragged arsed comic into a movie?!

      • l0b0t

        I vaguely rememeber that one from one of Medved’s Golden Turkey Awards books.

      • Fourscore

        When he was in the comic strip? Dondi, the WW2 Italian war orphan?

  12. hayeksplosives

    With all due respect to the Hair, I don’t think the Donald wears a toupee. I think he grows hair from the back of his head, combs it forward, folds in in half in front, and then sprays the cut ends back in place in the back.

    That’s why it still flips up in the wind. The folded part in front catches the wind and flaps up like an angry cockatoo.

    • Swiss Servator

      … That is what the Hair would like you to think.

      The Hair’s best trick was to convince the world he didn’t exist.

    • WTF

      Maybe introduce a member of the SMITH family lurking deep in the jizz tunnels…

      • Swiss Servator

        STRAIGHT SMITH, SEWER SMITH, DEEP SMITH

        Man, I love you people…

      • Creosote Achilles

        I love this place so much. Sometimes I can’t even.

      • Hyperion

        These tunnels have to be close to the DC sewer system. They could run into SEWER SMITH.

      • Jarflax

        DEEP SMITH ELITE AGENT OF STATE LIVE THERE! NOT DIRTY COUSIN SEWER, HE NOT EVEN GO TO YALE.

      • WTF

        DEEP SMITH AGENT OF STATE MAKE YOU PAY FOR PRIVILEGE OF BEING RAPED!!

      • Swiss Servator

        HIM GO YALE! YUST GOT OUT LAST WEEK, YA!

      • WTF

        THAT SOUND LIKE COUSIN SWEDE SMITH!!

      • Private Chipperbot

        CHUD SMITH!

      • wdalasio

        Well, who do you think is guarding Gerald Ford’s gold?

      • Swiss Servator

        SECRET SERVICE SMITH AKA SECRET SMITH?

      • WTF

        THE NAME SMITH, SECRET SMITH, LICENSE TO RAPE!

      • Playa Manhattan

        Secret Goldsmith?

  13. Rebel Scum

    “Air Force One would be a tractor.”…

    “SCOTUS would be called on to settle The Great Ford-Chevy Truck debate,” the hair said, his hollow laugh echoing.

    +1 Trailer Park Billionaire President.

  14. Gustave Lytton

    I like this JFK backstory extension to the H&H universe. It’s completely plausible.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Heretic

    The head of the top U.S. environmental agency said on Wednesday that the Trump administration considers drinking water quality around the world a bigger crisis than climate change, despite the recent surge in debate around the proposed Green New Deal.

    In remarks in Washington to mark World Water Day, EPA chief Andrew Wheeler said safe drinking water, plastic pollution and other litter in the oceans, drought in western states, and water infrastructure are “the largest and most immediate environmental and public health issues affecting the world right now.”

    ———-

    “My frustration with the current dialogue around environmental issues is that water issues often take a backseat. It’s time to change that,” he said in his remarks.

    “We need to do something about the millions of people who die each year due to a lack of clean water and sanitation. We need to do something about marine debris. And I believe we can do this while still addressing other challenges that loom on the horizon.”

    Trump wants you to die. Especially if you’re poor and black and live in a foreign country.

    • Gustave Lytton

      If you gave a shit about real threats to water quality, you end open air waterborne illness breeding grounds like the streets of too many west coast cities.

      I’d love to see the EPA fining the crap out of SF, except that taxpayers would pay. And SF would figure out some way to shift the burden onto lawful businesses and homeowners and fuck then over even more (like mandatory septic inspection to find where the fecal material is leaking from, because that must be the cause).

      • AlexinCT

        They should be inspecting the homeless people in SF. The fecal matter comes from them shitting right on the sidewalk when they are not drunk & stupid and trying to rob someone that is not gonna go along with that.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I know that’s where it’s coming from but no way would the top.men. admit that and be forced to change their ways.

    • pan fried wylie

      “drought in western states” aka inability to pipe in enough water to cope with growth, not an actual from historical rainfall amounts

      • pan fried wylie

        I swear I typed a “departure” in there

  16. Rhywun

    We need to do something about the millions of people who die each year due to a lack of clean water and sanitation.

    “We” do? Unless those millions of people are in the United States, GTFO.

    • wdalasio

      In principle, I agree wth you. That said, IIRC “fixing” clean water is one of the cheaper environmental crusades out there and would actually save a lot more people than the global warming gravy train.

      • Rhywun

        would actually save a lot more people than the global warming gravy train

        Agreed. Now convince the kleptocrats that run most of those shitholes.

      • AlexinCT

        Shit, the whole global warming scam IS so the kleptocrats can steal more…

    • ruodberht

      Do you even White Man’s Burden, bro?

  17. mexican sharpshooter

    “SCOTUS would be called on to settle The Great Ford-Chevy Truck debate,” the hair said, his hollow laugh echoing.

    Ram //Ruth Bader Ginsburg

    • Brett L

      Ram’s problem is 4 days of Friday cars every week.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    I’ve haven’t read the source material so for me it’s just a very enjoyable B movie. The deliberate cheese is fun.

    I despised every single character in Starship Troopers with a burning intensity. So pretty. So stupid. So worthless.

    I was rooting for the bugs.

    • AlexinCT

      I did the same for the zombies in the Walking Dead before I quit watching that pile of stupid a few years ago.

    • LJW

      Zombie movie logic always puts me off from watching them. Hypothetically if there was a zombie virus that was passed through bite or blood it wouldn’t be a very effective virus and would certainly not result in an apocalypse.

      • SugarFree

        Especially if most people were being consumed long before the virus or whatever took hold.

      • AlexinCT

        WHAT IF PASSED BY STEVE SMITH ACTION???

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Zombie movie logic

        They never account for the whole, entropy thing.

      • Nephilium

        There’s a reason that 28 Days Later used fast zombies, and any skin contact with a bodily fluid. It helps to explain why the zombies would spread quickly. Too bad the sequel used a military that was dumber then the people on the Walking Dead.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Never saw that one.

      • Nephilium

        28 Days Later is solid. The virus gets out due to animal rights activists raiding an animal testing lab, ignoring all the warnings. It takes place in Britain, which leads to the island’s isolation (the rest of the world essentially set up barricades). When they’re looking for supplies in a supermarket, it’s the irradiated fruit that’s still good. The only real hole is that the main character who wakes up in a coma in the hospital uninfected. The original endings were all downer enough that they had to make a happy ending for the theatrical release.

      • Chipwooder

        I didn’t know that about the endings. Interesting.

      • Nephilium

        Yeah, the DVD has the alternate endings… they didn’t do well with the studio or the audiences. It causes a bit of mood whiplash from the really dark (lighting, and character moments) near the end to the happy cottage.

      • Chipwooder

        That’s true – everything about the movie is very dark until there’s this sunny ending that isn’t quite happy, but at least hopeful. It is jarring.

        I’m not big on zombie movies, but I did like that one.

      • SugarFree

        Waking up in the hospital is a reference to The Day of the Triffids.

      • Nephilium

        Sugarfree: Right, but that’s the toughest suspension of disbelief part in the movie for me. The supervirus would be, but it’s the central concept of the film, and standard for the entire zombie movie genre. If you can’t get over that hurdle, then you’re probably not going to be a zombie movie fan.

    • Rhywun

      Then Verhoeven’s work there was done.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      -1 Buenos Aires

  19. Chipwooder

    Yesterday I mentioned that Teen Vogue idiot Lauren Duca is now teaching journalism at NYU. Well, another day, another retarded leftist on the NYU journalism faculty. And this bitch wasn’t even an actual reporter. She was a fucking fact-checker.

    • Rhywun

      Lavin’s undergraduate course “Reporting on the Far Right” will kick off in the fall semester of 2019 at NYU’s Arthur L. Carter Journalism Institute.

      FFS

      • Swiss Servator

        Why would anyone think journalists are not pure sources of objective truth?

      • Rebel Scum

        “Reporting on the Far Right”

        “Lying about anyone to the right of Karl Marx”

    • wdalasio

      She also criticized ICE, saying it was not “acceptable” for the agency to attack her personally over her mistake.

      She literally called a wheelchair-bound veteran a Nazi, and she’s upset that she gets criticized over it. My guess is that a picture of her shows up in the dictionary next to the word “entitled”.

      • Chipwooder

        “HE’S A WHITE MALE, HE DOESN’T GET TO CRITICIZE ME!!!!!”

      • R C Dean

        Its a “mistake” (not really) that you personally made. Why shouldn’t you get personally attacked for it?

    • Hyperion

      “another retarded leftist”

      There are other kinds?

    • blighted_non_millenial

      Not that I’m a credentialist or that Journalism is a hard science…. but 1) a lot of the professors in that school seem lightly credentialed (but at least a lot of them have a lot of you know… journalist work in their cv) and b) she appears to be the absolute lightest credentialed of the bunch.

      • wdalasio

        Just so there’s no mistake, the Stern (NYU) MBA program is nowhere near that atrocious. Remember F.A. Hayek was a professor at NYU some years ago.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      At least one current NYU journalism student questioned the decision to hire Lavin. “I sympathize with Lavin’s politics, but I don’t know why someone who had to quit their journalism job for falsely implying someone is a Nazi should be teaching at NYU,” said the student, who requested anonymity for fear of academic reprisal. “I know there are plenty of reporters out there in need of work who haven’t made a mistake like that.”

      Who said it was a mistake?

      • AlexinCT

        The people that want to give this douche cover?

  20. Hyperion

    Why are there no warnings on fruit juices, telling you not to shoot them up? How can we know not to do that?

    I thought fruits are good for you!

    • Rhywun

      “I’m sorry ma’am, you’re too stupid to save. Next!”

      • LJW

        I’m surprised the Chinese government allowed her to live.

      • Trials and Trippelations

        I wish the admitting docs at the hospital I work at had that approach

  21. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Now this is Presidential Lore.

  22. Nephilium

    Will there be a musical number?

    • Spudalicious

      That’s some pure, free market capitalism right there.

    • AlexinCT

      Yeah, these people are totally unbiased….

    • wdalasio

      After careful and multiple reviews over the course of a few days, our teams decided to remove the ad in question here as it violates our policy. We’ve communicated this to the advertiser and have been in touch with creators who have been actively engaged on this issue

      And if Google missed paying one dime in refund for removing his ad, as a juror I’d vote for the full dime in recompense. And $2 billion in punitive damages.

    • Rhywun

      took offense that Brown’s video had appeared as an advertisement on channels operated by gay and lesbian YouTubers

      Bit surprised that content creators don’t choose their own adverts.

    • Raston Bot

      Those studies received ZERO coverage. Not even Fox picked them up.

  23. AlexinCT

    OT: You are doing it wrong. Team red is so stupid they can’t get out of their own way. The way to settle this is to FIRST say you are going to expand (and pack) the court, THEN do what they are doing. Idiots.

    • Q Continuum

      Tactical error.

    • Raston Bot

      It wouldn’t even take a big group to drum up support. Just have Trump mention it in passing. BOOM. Instant majority.

    • Rhywun

      Enh, at least it will get a ton of Dems on the record for supporting court-packing. The punk’d version where Trump announces it was probably never gonna happen anyway.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    Janet Napolitano says Orange Man Bad

    The ongoing ambiguity regarding the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program—for undocumented immigrants who were brought to the United States as children—represents another waste. It is a waste of human capital and of government resources to hunt down and deport law-abiding DACA participants instead of focusing on criminals and border crime.

    Meanwhile, some of the gravest threats facing us lie elsewhere. As the false alarm in Hawaii showed, technological advances bring both the ability to advance security and the possibility of doing great harm in unpredictable ways. Lost and troubled young people will keep searching for combat weapons they can buy over the counter or for violent causes to join on the internet. A solid containment plan for infectious-disease pandemics eludes us still.

    Climate change is the ultimate threat—one largely unaddressed by the Trump administration. This is homeland-security malpractice. By withdrawing from the Paris Agreement in 2017, the United States now finds itself isolated, in the same company as Syria and Nicaragua, the only other countries in the world not to ratify the global accord to limit global warming to well below 2 degrees Celsius above preindustrial times.

    If we just build a big enough wall of platitudes, we’ll be safe.

    • Hyperion

      “Climate change is the ultimate threat”

      A lefty hack will be elected in 2020 for sure and I’m a jump on that politohack merry-go-round and grab me some of them good ol greeen crony bucks!

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Weren’t you governor of a state in the border? Didn’t you run as a hardliner on immigration?

    • R C Dean

      law-abiding DACA participants

      They aren’t law-abiding. They are here illegally. DACA is basically a deferred prosecution program.

      Is it a waste? I dunno. How much has DACA incentivized the ongoing wave of illegals from Central America? Many of them believe that as long as they have a kid with them, its a free pass. And I’m not sure they are wrong.

      Of course, if it was up to me, we would simply freeze any new legal immigration until we figure out whether we want to a be a country with borders and citizens and an immigration policy set entirely on what is best for the citizenry, or something else.

    • Gustave Lytton

      law-abiding DACA participants

      By definition DACA participants are not law abiding.

      • R C Dean

        True story:

        We have an illegal in the hospital now. She has cancer, and no insurance and no possibility of getting insurance, because she’s an illegal. The first time she came in, we told her to go to Mexico (where you can actually get quite good cancer treatment). She didn’t, because once she crossed the border, she wouldn’t be able to come back. Which a problem for her because her kids live in this country (I think one was born here and one wasn’t and is likely a DACA participant). So, she waited until her symptoms came back, and came in through the ED as, essentially, a mandatory admit. Nobody will give her outpatient chemo because she is totally uninsurable, and who can blame them, so she is living in the hospital (for free) and getting chemotherapy (for free).

        She will probably cost us over half a million dollars, out of pocket.

      • R C Dean

        Oh, and I refer to her as “an illegal”. I can see half the staff biting their tongue because it offends them not to use a euphemism but no way are they calling me out, and the other half nodding along in their heads.

      • Swiss Servator

        That needs to be an article – sanitized of any identifiable detail, of course.

      • R C Dean

        There’s not a lot more to it, other than the oncology doctor shitting all over the medical record.

        We also have a relatively minor problem here in Labor and Delivery, with people getting admitted right before delivery on fake IDs (often including a fake Medicaid card), and then skipping out with their newly minted US citizen without paying a dime for it. Because they have had no prenatal care, they are often high-risk deliveries, too. The only upside is that, if something goes wrong, ain’t no way they are suing us.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The only upside is that, if something goes wrong, ain’t no way they are suing us.

        If the activists can (successfully) lay the death of someone crossing a desert on CBP, I’m sure some activist shyster could make a silk purse out of that sow’s ear.

    • But Enough About Me

      Why not? They published this, after all, and it’s made several of my more lefty friends go “Hmmmmm . . .”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      By tomorrow there will be a parade of twenty something twits explaining why Ted Koppel is wrong.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Tomorrow. Yes. Because today they are looking up, “Who is Ted Koppel?”

      • Q Continuum

        Explaining why someone is wrong is so last century.

        They’ll be calling him a Nazi, harassing him outside his house and doxxing his grandchildren.

    • wdalasio

      We are not the reservoir of objectivity that I think we were

      Yeah, sorry to have to break it to you, Ted, but you weren’t then, either. The difference is that, at least back then, I think it was mostly the consequence of the fact that you were confined to your own little bubbles and didn’t know any better. Your successors are just desperate to recreate the narratiive you simply assumed.

  25. Hyperion

    If you read this, try not to puke on your keyboard.

    Who does this?

    • Q Continuum

      ““He gives me reassurance that all is not lost,” says Barnett, who lives with her family and Mueller the puppy in Kansas City, Kansas. “I admire his mystique. I admire that I haven’t heard his voice. He is someone who can sift through all this mess and come up with a rationale that makes sense to everyone.””

      Jesus, just go on Lithium.

      • Q Continuum

        “If images of children in cages don’t sway many minds, how could Mueller’s report, just words on paper?”

        Forget about the fact that those photos WERE FROM THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION. Christ AP, you’re not even trying anymore.

      • Q Continuum

        I do hope that one day in the distant future, people will be reading about this era the way that I ready about the era of yellow journalism. The Press is an absolute shameful embarrassment. That whole column might as well be a letter to the editor. There is no actual journalism in that whole piece; it’s pure opinion agitprop.

      • LJW

        My God that person is just down the road from me. The left is infecting our area!

      • grrizzly

        Then you can pet the dog. It seems lovely.

      • Trigger Hippie

        KC has been blue/left for decades. This is just part of the illogical conclusion.

        P.S. We need a meet up around here. I know several of us are within a short drive from each other.

      • Mojeaux

        That would be me/Mr Mojeaux and Libertesian.

      • Libertesian

        Present!

      • R C Dean

        Barnett, who lives with her family

        Why do I think this a euphemism for “lives with her parents”?

      • slumbrew

        I had the same thought.

      • grrizzly

        R C Dean,
        There was a discussion the other day about grading in HLS. Does class participation/attendance count for any part of the grade? And if yes, wouldn’t it make grading not entirely anonymous?

      • R C Dean

        No, it didn’t, at least not when I was there (and Obama started the fall after I graduated). It was based entirely on written exam results, and the exams were anonymous to the grader. I really don’t think anyone screwed around with grades.

        Law school classes could be quite large – during the first year, each class had 135 students. Some of the second and third year classes were that large also. There is really no way you can grade participation in classes that large, as there is no realistic way for every student to actively participate. Its a little fuzzy now, but I don’t recall having any classes with fewer than 40 or 50 students.

        After the first year, I don’t think anybody cared if you showed up for class or not. During the first year, it was assigned seating with the prof having a picture chart (just like The Paper Chase). If you didn’t show, I suspect they would have asked you why, but attendance was really good.

      • grrizzly

        Thanks. After reading Mental State, which deals with a fictional law school based on the University of Chicago Law School, I thought it was possible.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        It isn’t uncommon for adult siblings to cohabitate now.

      • R C Dean

        You know those porn vids aren’t of actual step-siblings, right?

      • Chipwooder

        The explosion of fake incest vids in the last year or so is really weird. I guess this was an underserved market?

      • SugarFree

        I think it is related to how many step-siblings most Gen Z kids have. Unrelated teens living in close proximity that are only kept apart by the barest of taboos.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Thank you for that mental image of my cousins. Really.

        Thank you.

    • Chipwooder

      My eyes could never possibly roll far enough

      • Chipwooder

        I mean, think about this – why is this a story? Why does anyone know about this? Because the loser with the dog undoubtedly aggressively pushed her story, and the AP ate it up. How ludicrous is that?

      • hate_speech

        More likely, because she knows people who work for the AP.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      One happy customer wrote that using the print as a meditation aide allowed her to stop taking anti-anxiety medication.

      Next month she OD’s on Hydroxycut

    • The Other Kevin

      Who describes themselves as a “fan” of this guy? People are sick.

      • Ted S.

        The same people who were Ruth Bader Ginsburg fans?

  26. Chipwooder

    I saw a link to this story on some news site, and it reminds me why I have difficulty completely opposing the death penalty. Some people simply deserve to die in a horrible agony. God willing, both of the scum get their throats slit in prison.

    • Suthenboy

      JFC, all 14 yo kids are problem children. That is the whole point of being 14.
      Give me an hour with this guy.

      • R C Dean

        An hour? Why? Would you want to handload something special for him?