“My lumps, my lumps, my lovely lady lumps,” Sarah sang to herself as she walked into the Oval Office.
“Who’s there?” Donald hollered from the open door to the Presidential shitter.
“Sarah, sir!” she yelled. He grunted in reply.
“Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?” Sarah continued singing. She ground her crotch against the corner of the Resolute desk. “All that junk inside your trunk.”
“What’s that?” Donald called.
“Nothing, sir!”
Donald flushed the toilet, a loud bang gurgle coming from the bathroom. “Goddammit,” he said.
“I’ma get get get get you drunk,” Sarah sang,, spinning away from the desk, grabbing both of her breasts and then running her hands down the various convexities of her body to her fuparairy.
“What?” Donald asked and then flushed the toilet again.
“Get you love-drunk off my hump,” she sang in a whisper and threw herself onto the Oval Office couch, which collapsed with a room-shaking crash.
“What the hell was that?” Donald screamed.
The Oval Office door was kicked open and two Secret Service agents rushed in the room. One tripped over an ottoman and turned into a sloppy forward roll that landed him on his back.
“Mr. President!” the standing one yelled.
Sarah groaned from the destroyed couch and the agent down on the floor fired into the ceiling.
“I told you boys to fix this damn toilet!” Donald said and flushed again. “Dammit! I need a knife to break it up.”
“For fuck’s sake, Bob,” the Secret Service agent told the one on the floor.
Bob looked up at him sheepishly and said, “Sorry, Andy.”
Andy did a tactical shuffle around the ruined couch and pointed his weapon at Sarah. “You!” he shouted. “Get off what’s left of the couch!”
“Anybody got a poop knife?” Donald asked, standing the doorway of the Presidential Shitter. His pants were off, but he was still in his suit coat and shoes.
“Are you hurt, sir?” Bob asked from the floor. “Should we call medical services?”
“Get up off the floor,” Donald said. “What if someone walked in right now? You look ridiculous.”
“Yeah,” USA hat said from Donald’s head, “Yew look like a friggin’ idiot or somethin’.”
“And get Pie up before some hippies show up and try to push her back into the ocean,” Donald said.
“Haw, haw, haw,” the USA hee-hawed.
“Pie, Mr. President?” Andy asked, finally off the floor.
Donald pointed at Sarah who was struggling to roll over. “Her. Pie. Her!”
Bob and Andy holstered their weapons and hauled Sarah to her feet.
“Do none you have your family poop knife with you?” Donald asked as they worked. “Mine is in New York.”
“No, sir,” Bob and Andy both mumbled.
“I don’t know how people get by without a good sturdy poop knife,” Donald said, shaking his head.
“They probly use a stick or sumtin,” USA hat said. “Fuckin’ white trash.”
Donald patted the USA hat gently to console it.
Sarah straightened her dress and wiped crumbs from it. Her face was beet-red under the thick layer of foundation.
“Go find me a poop knife!” Donald ordered the Secret Service agents. “I don’t care if you have to tear apart the entire White House to find one!” Bob and Andy scurried out.
“I’m sorry about the couch, Mr. President,” Sarah said in a quiet voice.
“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Donald said.
“And on your special day, too,” Sarah said.
“Total exoneration,” Donald said. “What a special thing. I love that Bob Mueller.”
“Ex-oner-ation,” USA hat drawled.
“Total,” Donald reminded his redneck hat. “Total exoneration.”
“Yes, sir,” Sarah said. “We’ve got them now.”
“I’ve got them now. Me. Total exoneration. No collusion. No obstruction. I am President No!”
“Yes, sir,” Sarah mumbled.
“A press conference, I think,” Donald said. “Let’s get you on TV. All those losers that doubted me are going to get their’s.”
“Tear ‘em a new cornhole, Donnie!” the USA hat cackled.
“Say, Pie,” Donald said. “You got your family poop knife on you? I got a real tough one in there.”
“N-n-no, sir,” Sarah stammered.
“You’re a big girl. Surely you need a poop knife. Not even a little folding model?”
Sarah shook her head until her hair hid her eyes.
“A ruler,” USA hat said. “There’s gotta be a good ole ruler around here sumwhere.”
Oh man, this brought back unpleasant memories of Uzbekistan and the mobile toilets that often clogged and required that a shit-encrusted stick be kept within arm’s reach at all times…..
The poop knife is an elegant solution from a more civilized age.
It’s not random and clumsy?
Ancient devices and hokey plumbing are no match for a good pipe snake at your side!
The British will ban it to prevent poop-knife violence!
It oughta be a feceral crime.
A poopknife is a personally-tuned blade ground from the crystal tooth of a poopworm, and is the formal and sacred weapon of the SugarFremen. It is a Chocolate-Brown, double-edged curved knife, the blade about 20 centimeters long. The poopknife comes in two forms, fixed and unfixed. Unfixed knives need to be stored in a ziplock bag or they will disintegrate after a period of time. Fixed poopknives are shellacked to keep them permanently intact. In Children of Dookie, Leto II notes that “The poopknife dissolves at the death of its owner.”
You can’t polish a poopknife.
Maybe you need more battery fluid.
“I’ma get get get get you drunk,” Sarah sang,, spinning away from the desk, grabbing both of her breasts and then running her hands down the various convexities of her body to her fuparairy.
Fuparairy. FUPARAIRY!
Just try to tell me this man’s not a genius!
“Oh, it’s long way to Fuparairy!”
I keep a photo of him under my pillow.
All I know is I’m not looking up fuparairy at work. I like my job.
Same.
It actually shows zero results on Google. It is a wholly original phrase coined by the peerless mint of SugerFree’s idiosyncratic intellect.
It is a wholly original phrase coined by the peerless mint of SugerFree’s
idiosyncraticinsidious intellect.Fixed.
like Fur + apiary.
Wait, she keeps BEES there??
Sarah Sanders should post a larger image. That thing is barely readable.
HOLY MACKEREL! These just keep getting better.
This has to be the first time I’ve read the words “poop” and “knife” consecutively in that order, anywhere. At least I think it is. Maybe. I don’t think I’ve read it anywhere else, but I can’t be sure.
The level of anxious uncertainty this gives me for some reason is really weird.
Don’t mix it up with your toe knife.
Do you even internet, bro?
Poop Knife
WTF?
Sigh, I knew I shouldn’t have clicked that link and still did….
That’s not even the first time “poop knife” has been used on glibs. Read moar Tonio.
I honestly thought everyone knew about poop knives.
It is not often that I find out something new… This was new to me…
#metoo
And I’m a knife collector. *googles custom poop knife with stabilized ironwood burl scales
Pfft. Fossilized mammoth tusk scales, or GTFO.
I recently discovered what a poop knife is in my high end knife groups. I now have memes for them lol.
https://www.stupidiotic.com/product-page/poop-knife
You had Pie singing that ear worm song, now it is my head. Damn you SF. I hate you, but you’re a hell of a reporter.
+1
Brilliant story but that’s just dirty pool.
I know, now whenever I see Sarah Sanders I’m going to be hearing “My lumps, my lumps, my lovely lady lumps”.
I sometimes think about the real Sarah Sanders reading one of these and a single tear rolling down her cheek at the cruelty of strangers.
But then, I figure, she’s involved in politics so fuck her, she has it coming.
I figure she can give as good as she gets.
I’ve got them now. Me. Total exoneration. No collusion. No obstruction.
Not according to Representative Swallowswell.
“To the president I say, the only person who has been caught lying about Russia is the president. He said that he’d had no business dealings with Russia. We have now learned that he had dealings going all the way up to and beyond the primary,” Swalwell maintained.
“The charges were dismissed, yet we all believe we know what happened because of the evidence that exists in the case,” he said.
“I saw evidence and the country has seen evidence of collusion. Bob Mueller has said that he can’t prove it beyond a reasonable doubt, which I accept, but it doesn’t mean there wasn’t collusion,” Swalwell argued.
While technically correct that is not how the justice system works. If you lack evidence you lack the ability to prosecute, not that you can indict a sitting president either way.
Swalwell is not a clever man. Maybe a hint of contrition is too much to hope for, but he had to know some very basic questions would be asked of him. His answer is “Neener neener,” and “I’m rubber, Trump’s glue.” You’d figure he’d have workshop that a bit with his staff.
Swalwell is my representative, and he’s an idiot. The squinty thing he does with his eyes reminds me of David Puddy from Seinfeld. I hear his wife divorced him because he was shagging the cat. I can’t prove that beyond a reasonable doubt, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t bestiality.
I am so sorry.
Believe it or not the guy before him was worse. He’d leave voice messages berating constituents who dared complain, and he basically lived in DC full time and never came back to the district.
Says the man living under Bill Deblasio’s reign of error.
She just couldn’t cope with being a catastrophe wife.
+1 cross threading!
Bob Mueller has said that he can’t prove it beyond a reasonable doubt,
No, he did not, you lying sack of shit. He said (according to Barr’s summary, which is the only thing you have seen):
*grabs popcorn*
The Chicago Police Department released pages of redacted investigative reports in the Jussie Smollett case, one day after charges against the “Empire” star were dramatically dropped — but the move may have prompted a moot court order.
About an hour after the department released the files, the Chicago Police reportedly became subject of a court order that barred them from releasing further files even though they were widely available online.
The dismissal of charges against Smollett over an alleged attack drew a swift backlash from the city’s mayor and police chief and raised questions about why Smollett was not forced to admit what prosecutors had said they could prove in court — that the entire episode was a publicity stunt.
And on top of that, now Smollett’s lawyers are going on TV pushing the laughable story that the two brothers legitimately attacked him and sent him the death threat.
TW: Twitchy
Wouldn’t that open him up to a potential law suit from the brothers? Or are their names so damaged by participating in the hoax, it’s a moot point?
You are thinking this through, CA. I doubt anyone on Smollet’s team has thought past how they protect him right now so they can keep encouraging people to make up more of these fake crimes to prop up the left’s narrative.
Could be that they’ve already been paid off.
” Or are their names so damaged by participating in the hoax”
What hoax?
Jussie Smollett’s attorney, Patricia Browne Holmes, today said the Nigerian brothers committed the hate crime against her client. Tonight she said she has “no idea” what their motive could have been.
How can you call it a “hate” crime if you have no motive?
Also, I read a bit earlier today that the lawyer said that the Nigerians were lying in their confession. Someone needs to get their story straight. I thought lawyers were supposed to be smart.
When you have an idiot who won’t shut up for a client, looking smart is extra tough.
Isn’t “Those Nigerian brothers who were well known to my client what done it” rather inconsistent with “It was two total strangers what done it”?
I figured they paid the brothers off. But it’s sounding more and more like they want to get caught. This whole episode can’t get much dumber.
What crime?
If charges are dropped, the case is deleted from the database, and all the records are sealed, I have no record of a crime.
Really not a smart move unless they gave a pretty big time bribe to the brothers so they didn’t sue for defamation.
Also that is not going to convince anyone because there is no guys he knew pretty well being behind the attack matches with his initial story
Maybe they’ll give him a proper ass kicking now.
I’ll buy them a couple of MAGA hats if it helps.
Wolf
Wolf
Wolf
Wolf
Gray Duck?
HATE BIRD!
Oh, really? No way that a pissed off CPD might follow up on those public allegations?
I’m still surprised that it hasn’t gone down like this:
CPD Spokesperson steps up to microphone
“We went for an interview to discuss some new allegations and he got combative. Pacification steps were taken. All the officers went home safely. We’re always disappointed when an interviewee ends up in the hospital.”
Not enough…
“No way that a pissed off CPD might follow up on those public allegations?”
And do what? Go to the state’s attorney?
I didn’t really believe this would get crazy enough to go in that direction. Stupid me.
You would think they would take what they got and get out of town, figuratively, never to be heard from again.
The guy has a chip on his shoulder the size of a bottle of bleach. He’s not going away until they haul him off in an orange jumpsuit.
Well it IS the same lawyer Kapernick used, isn’t it?
I’ll take Weasel Words for $500, Alex.
This all suddenly makes sense to me. Smollett was doing something sketchy with the 2 Nigerians, then shit went sour and they beat his ass.
Smollett has to explain his injuries to the cops but can’t tell the truth, so he comes up with the Trump nazi thing, which the media jumps all over. Now Smollett is screwed because he either has to go against the narrative and be humiliated, or go against the Nigerians and get his ass kicked again, or worse.
That doesn’t explain buying the hats, the bleach and the noose though.
Science experiment gone horribly wrong!
He was trying to bring back tie-dying, just with bleach!
Didn’t everyone already know he is gay?
https://www.foxnews.com/politics/mcconnell-video-mocks-dem-senators-for-voting-present-on-green-new-deal
McConnel twists the knife.
Cocaine Turtle strikes again!
Now if he would bitch-slap the warmonger/gun-grabber out of Lindsay Graham.
I just saw Mike Lee’s speech on the Senate Floor that triggered AOC
https://www.mediaite.com/tv/mike-lee-mocks-green-new-deal-on-senate-floor-with-pictures-of-aquaman-a-tauntaun-and-reagan-riding-a-dinosaur/
That’s some shitlord level 9000 stuff there
Please tell me it’s a still from Land of Confusion!
*looks*
Dammit!
Omg that is great.
Also, would the girl handling the props.
I’m in awe of her ability to suppress uncontrollable laughter throughout that whole thing. There are a few moments where you could see her lip twitch, but she just soldiers on. That is what true heroes are made of.
Every time she looks down she is saying, “Rebel, I want you” .
…or like Michael says is trying to suppress the laughter.
She’s texting her friends. “OMG. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this right now.”
I love how hard of a time she is having keeping a straight face
I am guessing she works for Sen Lee, so is probably Mormon, which means you would have to marry her first.
Hmm. Maybe she’s one of the Mormons who don’t necessarily oppose polygamy. I may still have a shot here.
Is this the best part of the Trump era? Internet trolling on the floor of the Senate?
Are you not entertained?
I am.
I guess that I am. I’m… unconvinced that trolling is the highest form of rhetoric or provides the best results.
Ridicule can work wonders.
Fair, but I’m happy that he’s treating the Green New Deal and AOC with the seriousness they both deserve.
Yup, the phrase “with all due respect” comes to mind.
Can we get a rules change in the Senate to not allow this “present” vote as an option? Yea or Nay people.
Why? Is there any benefit? If you’re not going to vote Yes, what’s the difference?
You avoid a no (or yes) vote but still count towards quorum to allow the vote to be held.
But that’s just it, I don’t see how voting present is something that the Dems can spin into a win to any but those who were already in the tank for them. Hell, it probably would have been better optics for them to have bugged out to prevent the vote from happening.
This was a vote for cloture. They could have easily voted yes and back pedaled after the “Pubs” corrupted the resolution with amendments (in the wildly unlikely chance it passed cloture). Then they could have campaigned against the “Pubs” for squashing debate when it failed to pass cloture.
This was a remarkably stupid play on the part of the donkeys.
I’m more surprised that the Pubs appear to have done something intelligent.
/looks at Graham getting ready to stick his dick into a blender for gun control.
That’s more like the Pubs I remember…
“Present” is the functional equivalent of “No”. The difference is purely cosmetic.
This was never going to clear cloture. You’d need, what, 13 Repubs to vote for it?
That’s was Obama’s gag. It beats working or even being aware of what’s being voted on.
Why would you pay attention to what’s being voted on?
I… wow.
Look how much more enlightened they are then us poor Americans. Look upon their wisdom!
Can you imagine Eichmann using that defense?
“I accidentally voted in favor of killing Jews but I thought we were voting on a new party logo for our stationery. The Furher pulled a fast one on me and switched the order of the items. I didn’t notice it until it was too late and when I brought it up to him he just said ‘Sucks to be you’. Or maybe he said ‘Sucks to be Jew.’ He had a tendency to mumble.”
I AM SO STEALING THAT!
/kimfoxx
The co-sponsor voted “present”. This week has so much winning I’m not sure I have any semen left.
“What do we want?!?!”
“The Green New Deal!”
“When do we want it!?!?”
“NOW!
….
…
Ok, we will bring it up for a vote.
How do you vote on the Green New Deal?
Present.
I guess the USA Hat has to keep Donald company while the Hat and Hair look for Gerry Ford’s gold…
I’m worried about the Hat. With any luck we’ll learn more next week.
Not much of Doomsday Vault then is it.
How long was Global Warming being pushed? And no one thought to install some drain tile?
“Not much of Doomsday Vault then is it.”
Exactly. If this thing can’t survive the fake heat the left pretends is coming, how will it survive a nuclear war or the next extinction level asteroid strike? Oh, I get it! AGW is soooooo much worse then either nuclear war or a big rock slamming into the planet!
Marxism now!
Fucking maroons.
“You fucked up.”
“Global warming!”
“Oh, OK. Here’s a few more million dollars.”
Today on Glibertarians.com I learned “fuparairy”.
I may just go ahead and call this week over with.
Lackadaisical: Galveston has at least three breweries – Beerfoot, Galveston Island, and Devil and the Deep. Moody Gardens isn’t a bad visit, more of a family thing, but some cool stuff. As Brett mentioned, Space Center Houston (based at Johnson Space Center) is a quick hop up I-45. Oh, and if you hit up Beerfoot, or any of the other Yaga’s Entertainment facilities, they have a shuttle that will take you back to your hotel afterwards (a high school friend drives it, so if you do something silly, I’ll hear the story).
Also, I’m in the area, so if a small scale, impromptu meet-up is in order, lemme know.
Thanks for the tips. Breweries sound like a good idea. . . I wouldn’t be adverse to a meet up at any of those mentioned, Friday would be off the table sadly.
Moody Gardens is where my wife decided she was going to marry me. She has a thing for penguins, and I took her down there to the penguin encounter, where she got to meet a penguin. Penguins smell like a fertilizer truck hit a fish truck. So yeah, she decided that I was a keeper. I haven’t done a damn thing to make any of her real dreams come true since then.
Good news – the judge in the Bundys’ case dismissed the charges against them with prejudice.
Kieran Suckling of the Center for Biological Diversity seems like a nice, well-adjusted person.
You would be too if you had that name.
But almost 3 months old.
Hey, I just recycle stuff I see linked elsewhere! Blame them!
ahem…lol
I took the risk of reading this while eating lunch. I got off lightly.
I dunno. It might give your meal funny ideas about how it should behave on the way out.
Better order a knife from Amazon. Say, can that two-sided spork Mojeux linked to technically function as a poop-knife too? Or is that a gauche use of that tool?
NO NOT MY TITANIUM SPORK!
But the titatnium will definitely resist the post-Mexican dinner heat.
https://www.amazon.com/Original-Poop-Knife-Gag-Gift/dp/B079NTNWNG/
Not an elegant heirloom poop knife, but a functional modern version made from silicone.
I…
Exactly. “Bogodiles” is a perfectly cromulent word.
Why not use a light saber?
Black Eyed Peas music stuck in your head?
Try this for an antidote.
Huzzah! *Treads back to the internet mine*
SJWednesday: The Art of Guillotining Procreators: An Anti-Natalist Manifesto
You thought I was done for the day. Fooled you. If you click on the link, it takes a while to download the pdf. Enjoy!
Just off yourself and be done with it. Geez, what’s with all the drama?
I think it’s genetic.
Eek!
A 100 years ago he could have made a respectable living as The Amazing Chicken Man at any sideshow.
I could see where he’d think that being born was a curse.
Facebook making the world a better place:
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/03/27/facebook-and-instagram-ban-white-nationalism-separatism/3285419002/
Will they ban black nationalists too?
No, of course not, because THEY WUZ KANGS
No, they will not. They specifically addressed it. Whites only.
Whites only.
Since that’s what they want, it’s a victory for white separatists, from a certain point of view.
It’s almost like they want to encourage them.
Every mass movement needs a Devil.
Further down the rabbit-hole we go.
How about proud Muslim separatists, you know, the kind that shoot up Nigerian churches?
Mueller Madness. The bracket.
https://twitter.com/PressSec/status/1110350183685128198
I heard there was a lot of pissed off people. Maddow, Behar, and a couple of maroons were ticked they made the final 4.
Looking at the comments… Is there a named rhetorical fallacy along the lines of Appeal to Decorum, Good Taste, Manners, Uppity Social Norms, etc.? That seems to be a common “argument” against Sanders, Trump.
Sounds like ad hominem to me.
This Smolett thing has become so outrageously stupid at this point that I’m not sure what is real anymore.
https://twitter.com/DanProft/status/1110970909689593861
Even better, Smollett is talking about suing the CPD.
The balls on this guy are ginormous.
Please, please, please, please . . .
Discovery will be awesome.
Which is why it’s just posturing. They didn’t go to the effort of getting the records sealed just so they could have them reopened because of a lawsuit.
Oh god yes, if he wins, CPD deserves to get fucked hard, so it will be a kind of justice.
I suspect he doesn’t have so much in the way of balls as his lawyers have void in their skulls. The best advice they could have possibly given him right after the charges were dropped would have been to just keep quiet and pretend nothing ever happened, but they seem to be gunning for the Avenatti prize for record self-own.
He has the right to remain silent, but not the intelligence to.
+1 Ron White
I’ll be surprised if the Feds don’t stick it to him.
Is this about Smollett suing the CPD or the CPD looking to the feds to get Foxx locked up?
That is the start of a 4-D chess conspiracy theory rabbit hole.
Because the players in this are all Obama/Clinton people. All of them.
You have Michelle Obama’s chief of staff, Kamala Harris, Foxx, Smollett and Rahm Emanuel.
Emanuel is playing the outrage card really hard. But he’s really close politically to all of these people. And Foxx was trying really hard to kick the whole thing up to the FBI and make it a Trump thing. Now Emanuel is doing the same thing.
So – 4-D chess conspiracy theory time – what if this is another Obama race war plot. They tried the original hoax and it didn’t work – nobody lined up behind Smollett once he was caught. So now you get the FBI to go after Smollett. Trump’s FBI. Now you can make it into a white people against black people thing.
Without this kooky conspiracy theory, it is hard to make sense of the Foxx-Harris / Emanuel-Johnson split. You have a bunch of team Obama climbers all divided over a political favor to a connected favorite son?
If Jussie sues th CPD the only winner will be Orville Redenbacher
I want to know what the hat thinks of this shit… Maybe get the hair to comment too.
I first heard a similar proposal at the beginning of the century, and suggested then that I’d like to see hackers corrupt it to stall out cars trying to go to the vacation spots, and force cars to go 100MPH through school zones.
You don’t need that if you design the road correctly. Sure, you will still have idiots, but that will be mostly self correcting.
Hey look, The Hill is still perpetuating the “Trump said racists are very fine people!” bullshit:
The true believers are out in force in the comments.
Nobody blocks Dave Justice.
Sure they do. But Harold Baines got in, so maybe he has a chance.
Except Atlanta Braves fans?
My roommate in 1991 was a Braves fan. He was posting newspaper headlines on his wall. Back to back, he posted
one day a headline that said, “Thomas Triumphs” which was about Clarence Thomas, not baseball related. Next to it, from the next day, was “Justice Prevails”, which was baseball related, but was a neat combo.
Except Halle Berry, right?
Gotta give him credit for bagging the hottest woman on the planet at the time, even if she was and still is batshit crazy.
FFS. Not everyone who wasn’t a protester at that event was a white supremacist. Allegedly most people weren’t, but the neo-Nazis got wind and showed up to make a nuisance of themselves. And again, however you feel about the alt-right, or white supremacists for that matter, it was the protesters who telegraphed ahead of time that they were going to present a threat to the attendees. And it was the protesters who initiated violence repeatedly. So maybe the real problem with what Trump said was that it went too far afield from something like, “Well, there were assholes on both sides of the event, including the Charlottesville city government and the police, and while it’s a tragedy that someone was killed this is the kind of shit that can happen when you escalate a conflict towards violence. So fuckin’ stop it.”
Tarring the political opposition by association with basement dwelling extremists is par for the course now.
His “very fine people” line never includes the entire quote, in which he specifically says that he’s not talking about the white supremacists but rather the people who were defending the statue of Lee being in the park.
I got here late, just in time for my afternoon break. Never, never try to enjoy a hot cuppa coffee and read SF’s contribution to literary achievement. Coffee all over the monitor, keyboard, the front of yesterday’s clean shirt. I really should know better but I got behind on my schedule. Good show, SF, now I’ll have a post it note to remind me to put the cup down first.