“Nobody disobeys my orders,” Donald said. There was no one in the Oval Office to hear him.
The hat and the hair huddled together in the cabinet below the sink in the Presidential Shitter and reviewed the 2020 Democratic nominees.
“Kamala Harris,” the hair said after pulling up her picture on his phone. “She might be the DNC darling. Ticks off a lot of boxes. Lots of boxes.”
“Shouldn’t we be doing this with Donald?” the hat asked.
“He’s distracted right now.”
“NO IMPEACH I!” Donald yelled from the Oval Office.
“Elizabeth Warren,” the hair said, changing the picture.
“Jesus wept,” the hat said. “Fucking HD cameras.”
“She’s going buck-wild. Student debt forgiveness. Free college. Socialized medicine. Trying to out-Bernie Bernie. She wants to be the chaos candidate. Ride into office on a wave of mutilation.”
“Big Chief Warren smoke-um…” the hat started.
“No Indian jokes,” the hair said. “They are old. Played out. Used up like a squaw’s squaw.”
“But you just…” the hat began.
“Cory Booker,” the hair said, changing the picture. “Clean, articulate, well-spoken. Another Obama maybe, but hopefully everyone still has Obama fatigue. Probably gay, but they found him a beard… Rosario Dawson… hubba, hubba.”
“I’m not really into black girls,” the hat said. “Or Hispanic girls. Or halfsies.”
“But she was still hot in that. And shaved,” the hair said.
“Why would that appeal to you?” the hat asked.
“I…. uh… well, I guess I don’t know.”
“I like a big 70’s porn bush,” the hat said. “Thick. Way up the belly. Like the size of a bicycle seat. Gives a guy something to hold onto while he’s getting his bill wet.”
“Moving on… Beto O’Rouke, the fake Mexican,” the hair said.
“Needs a sombrero,” the hat said.
“He’s your basic man-of-the-people, salt-of-the-Earth, white-guy-married-to-an-heir-to-billions sort.”
“What did his husband do to make all his money?” the hat asked.
“He’s married to a woman.”
“What did her ex-husband do to make all her money?”
“It’s family money. She some sort of non-profit do-gooder teaching kids to read or some shit.”
“Rowr. You’re saucy today,” the hat said. “I like it.”
“Donald has to get reelected,” the hair said intently. “He’ll be dead in a couple of years if he loses. And what does your hair do when you die?”
“Keeps growing?”
“That’s an old wives tale.”
“Did you check snopes.com?” the hat asked.
“Fuck off.”
“How many Pinocchios did they give it?”
“Your hair dies, is the point. I don’t want to die,” the hair said.
“Maybe you can move to a new host. There are millions of bald people out there that would love to have you.”
“You’re being really nice to me. What’s going on?”
“After what happened in the tunnels, I realize it’s just you and me,” the hat said.
“Ooh, that’s such a sweet load of bullshit,” the hair said.
“No, I mean it,” the hat said. “Things are going to change between us from now on, shithead.”
“I don’t know what to say,” the hair said.
The hat coughed somehow and the hair changed the photo he was projecting on the cabinet wall.
“Pete Buttigieg,” the hair said. “Mayor of South Bend, Indiana.”
“How old is he? Does he even have a driver’s license?”
“37, married.”
“Married?!? He looks like a fag,” the hat said.
“He’s married to a guy,” the hair said dryly.
“Oh, well, then that explains it. Vice Presidential material, at best. Quayle was a closet case.”
“Amy Klobuchar…” the hair began.
“This is boring,” the hat said. “How many more of these are there?”
“There are 16 people in the Democratic primary. 17 if Biden jumps in.”
“17? It’s a clown car, not a vagina, people.”
“Yeah, it’s nuts,” the hair admitted.
“Does that count, you know, Her?”
“No. She said she isn’t running again.”
The hat laughed so convulsively, he fell out of the bathroom cabinet and rolled onto the floor.
Meanwhile, in a desolate Harlem basement…
“You should run, beloved,” Huma said.
Hillary grunted with angry pleasure and pressed herself harder into the belt sander.
“You are so much more qualified than all of them,” Huma said. The callus was finally abraded to the point that the pressure behind it broke through the tough skin. Brown pus shot out in a feeble geyser and into Huma’s mouth.
“Swallow,” Hillary commanded. “Swallow it all. It will make you strong.”
Huma bent to Hillary’s swollen labia and licked the area clean. She suckled at the sore until the nodule deflated.
“Now the other side,” Hillary said, pointing with a maggot-like finger.
“I know how to take care of you,” Huma said gently.
“Of course you do,” Hillary grumbled. “You kept me alive all these dark months since…”
“Since the election,” Huma finished. “You must always face reality. You will never be President on a delusion.” Her slim brown hands took up the heavy duty end nipper wire cutters and began pruning the small thicket of skin tags on Hillary’s labia majora. Some had grown to attach themselves to the squamous patch of thigh skin closest to Hillary’s erotic grotto. Huma worked on them first, bearing down with all her strength to shear through the fibrous strands.
“Those used to be clitorides,” Hillary sighed. “They reacted to the slightest touch of the wind between the stars.” She shivered in pleasure, eyes lazily opening under her lolling breasts.
As the skin tags came off, Huma ate them one by one.
*pukes
Another classic born by Sugarfree.
Thanks, I think.
Oh GOD!…
*joins puking*
I… hurt, reading the last part.
I can hardly wait for the animated version.
I can hardly wait for electroshock therapy to erase that last sentence from what’s left of my memory
^^^THIS^^^
I was taking a swallow of beer when the brown pus shot out.
Now I’m wiping my screen and my lap clean.
Like with a cloth.
Shame on you Sugar. Perfectly good beer wasted.
You might want to see a doctor about that.
Yes .
A shrink for repeatedly reading Sugar
IF IT WORKS, PLEASE, IN THE NAME OF MERCIFUL HEAVEN, LET ME KNOW!
I’m glad I waited until lunch to read this.
Good thing I didn’t eat lunch yet. GlibFit 5.0: Puke It All Up just started.
I thought I was ready for more Hillary & Huma but I was wrong.
As the skin tags came off, Huma ate them one by one.
The horror. The horror.
And here’s me thinking we’re not supposed to post sexy stuff.
it’s not
Ah, Jesus Christ, there goes my lunch!!
Bravo, sir!
The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.
-H. P. Lovecraft
“I was waiting for the funny part.”
Wilbur Malcolm Burns
*obscure movie reference
Lulled into a false sense of security and BAM!!!
I’m gonna have nightmares, you motherfucker.
Me, right now.
I was on my way back from an all-morning meeting, and starving, so I scarfed a Big Mac and fries. I was hating myself for that, but then SugarFree helped me to purge.
I need one of those MiB flashy things.
Ok, libertarian principles be damned. Sugarfree must be censored lest his imaginings summon those that sleep beyond our Universe.
Ironically, they no longer have any interest in coming here.
lest his imaginings summon those that sleep beyond our Universe.
Honestly, I’d think his Huma-Hillary scenes would scare them the hell away.
That was horrific. And yet somehow I am looking forward to the next one.
I have never heard of Rosario Dawson until now, then I looked her up and realized she’s in all those Netflix Marvel shows I like so much.
“She’s not black, she’s an islander” my ex insisted.
And Sin City, and Clerks 2.
I liked her as B’Elanna Torres.
Wrong Dawson girl with a dark complexion.
I know 🙂 But I did confuse them for years before I knew who the hell Rosario was.
I like her. I was a big fan from her 25th Hour days.
“He’s your basic man-of-the-people, salt-of-the-Earth, white-guy-married-to-an-heir-to-billions sort.”
JFK 2.0.
He’s as good as President.
Why did I start reading this while eating lunch?
I should know better.
suck it up and keep chewing.
And then
Brown pus shot out in a feeble geyser and into Huma’s mouth.
“Swallow,” Hillary commanded. “Swallow it all. It will make you strong.”
Aaaaaaaannnd I’m out.
Sweet!
https://www.denofgeek.com/us/movies/zombieland/274886/zombieland-2-double-tap-cast-release-date-trailer-news
I loved the first one and I’m excited to see them making a second.
Only part I thought was funny in the first one was Bill Murray.
Oh c’mon. The notion that Emma Stone wasn’t going to fuck that guy that kinda looks like the guy that played Mark Zuckerberg even when he was literally the last man on earth was good for a chuckle or two.
Three more have jumped in since you wrote this!
https://graphics.reuters.com/USA-ELECTION/010091471JC/index.html
Sugarfree’s 2020 roster is going to make Endgame look sparse.
The hell? It was 18 yesterday. Who’s the newest one…Moulton?
I wish they’d list them in chronological order.
The biographies are given in order of most recent announcement.
*looks immediately below the pictures*
Never mind.
They breed like Viagara rabbits.
Always the politicans breeding with you isn’t it?
They sterilize themselves and I’ll stop complaining.
Here hear…
They will throw up a ridiculous number of them, as many as they can. It will be like one of those circus strong-man acts only it will be Hillary tossing them out of the ring while they enact soccer worthy levels of faux injury.
See how strong she is!
They are going to get their asses handed to them.
Yep. The problem with a large field is that to stand out, you have to go batshit crazy progtard. You can’t just be the blank slate that people can project their hopes for changes on.
That was the part that got me.
Rubbed one out, didya?
+1 belt sander
Don’t you kink-shame me!
“kink-shame”
I was watering my new trees yesterday and had to savagely kink-shame my garden hose. That damn thing is useless.
Holy fuck. I literally gagged a couple times reading the Hillary/Huma passage. Well done, you evil genius!
And you had to read it three or four times, every dirty, crazy part of it, to make sure you saw the horror in it, right??
I did it For The Children™
Wow. That went dark really quick. I larf water through my nose at “belt sander”, and then I’m gagging by the time I got to the last sentence.
Good thing we have this 1st Amendment thingy or SF would be in jail for crimes against humanity.
California Pinot Noir is the perfect wine for skin tags and brown pus.
Fight me.
*vomits*
I prefer Zinfandel mixed with horse blood.
Is that because that Cali wine is just a step above the brown pus?
Thunderbird.
Not MadDog 20/20?
Too fancy.
When I was a kid my mom would drink Wild Irish Rose.
I think that’s the same level as Thunderbird and would complement the tag’s acidity.
I knew a girl once who had Wild Irish Rose as their drink of choice. Of course, I also knew a family who had a tradition that the bachelor at a bachelor party had to drink a bottle of Cold Duck. I grew up classy as fuck.
Ridin’ the Night Train…
I would go with a white for the skin tags.
Good thing we have this 1st Amendment thingy or SF would be in jail for crimes against humanity.
That was more like indiscriminately firing a machine gun from a spinning inner tube in a crowded kiddie pool, while drunk and blindfolded.
Subject to reasonable restriction.
That is a damn fine TOS callback.
It sure is.
Brooks is Tulpa? didn’t see that one coming.
Shut up Tulpa.
Both you Tulpae best hush up!
Huzzah!?
More like:
or
I’m saving actually reading the article until some time after I finish lunch. Some hours after.
Good idea.
This is how you become a breathatarian.
Oooh, damn. I think you might have gone too far with this one. I feel like I just watched a snuff film.
“watched a snuff film”
Live
I think I need to watch a snuff film to get those vile images out of my head.
The Democratic Presidential Primary Is An Arms Race In Crazy
When asked at a CNN town hall this week if he believed that incarcerated felons should be allowed to vote, socialist presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders responded: “This is a democracy and we have got to expand that democracy, and I believe every single person does have the right to vote.”
What about someone like Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the Boston Marathon bomber? “Yes,” Sanders went on, “even for terrible people, because once you start chipping away and you say, ‘Well, that guy committed a terrible crime, not going to let him vote. Well, that person did that. Not going to let that person vote,’ you’re running down a slippery slope.”
1) No it’s not.
2) felons should only regain the right to vote after serving their time.
3) Now do guns.
I believe every single person does have the right to vote
Not adults. Not citizens. Not even residents. Every single person on the planet anywhere has the right to vote in our elections.
Seems appropriate here somehow.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/food-processing-plant-employee-killed-after-falling-industrial-sized-meat-n998026
A woman was killed Tuesday after falling into a meat grinder at her job at a food processing plant in Pennsylvania, the local coroner said.
Um, the way that’s worded means she survived the meat grinder but was put down afterwards. Somehow I don’t think that’s what the author means.
How do you know that?
First responders worked more than two hours to disassemble the meat grinder and recover Greninger’s remains, Kiessling said.
First responders worked more than two hours to disassemble the meat grinder
Why wouldn’t the meat grinder be disassembled by the people who actually work on it? Seems odd that you would have paramedics and maybe cops taking apart a big piece of industrial equipment they know literally nothing about.
She might have still been alive in there, you idiot!
Maybe they have strict punishments for falling into the equipment?
Non-union so she didn’t get a full day’s pay.
It’s only fair. She only made 2/3 of the sausage that a male coworker would have if they fell in.
Now she’s full of baloney and vice-versa
That is one of the wurst ways to go.
And so it begins.
I really don’t want to meat my maker that way.
Everyone gets torn up by the grind of going to work.
No one wants to see how the sausage gets made.
Sounds like one lady did.
What’s for dinner?
This wouldn’t have happened if she was getting her sausage at home.
*narrows gaze*
They released her picture
the local coroner said.
So you’re saying she had to be processed.
(and now I’m going to hell…)
“This is a democracy and we have got to expand that democracy, and I believe every single person does have the right to vote.”
Just as long as they vote for things smart people want. You know, like President Hillary Clinton. Otherwise, democracy is broken.
JFC!!!
This is what you people read during the day shift?
I did like the sly nod to the Pixies.
Like somebody with that avatar has room to talk.
Yep, my Hat and Hair verse is the ‘clean’ one. Like if the made The Human centipede into a primetime sitcom on ABC.
“pressed herself harder into the belt sander”
Legit lol.
God, I am an idiot. Short nap, bologna sandwich and I was dumb enough to read a SF right after eating.
You’re still asleep. It was only a nightmare. Everything is ok.
Eats Taco Bell for lunch. Reads Hat and Hair. Expels chunky brown liquid. Hands over guns and reports to psych ward.
I did not know that Booker had been assigned a beard.
I read the Hillary part with one eye closed and ready to look away – which I had to several times.
But you kept reading, like a true deviant.
*Hangs head*
Hurr durr he’s so weak even his staff #resists
OT: KULAKS AND WRECKERS!
https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2019-04-23/venezuela-power-outage-arrests
Attacked by rust and neglect I’m betting.
“The Minister called an end to the address when pressed about why it took a month to pull 19 random names out of the phone book.”
Like most misery theirs is self-inflicted.
OT: “To promote inclusivity”
https://www.thecollegefix.com/university-hosts-no-whites-allowed-faculty-and-staff-listening-sessions-to-promote-inclusivity/
Up is down, left is right, 2+2 = 5.
Easy to be hard
“Up is down, left is right, 2+2 = 5.”
Mission accomplished.
Same stupid shit, different stupid people.
They are going to keep pushing it until they get what they want: blood in the streets.
I am sure Charley Manson is leering up through the flames with a smile on his face and screaming “Suckers!”
Copied way more than I meant to.
I was only trying to highlight the bottom three paragraphs.
HLEP Edit Fairy!
I wish some whitey staff member would claim to identify as a POC as the second date states and force his/ her attendance to be allowed.
What a hoot reading about what followed.
Hoo boy – I’m not touching that one.
Racist!
That’s what she said.
To be fair, Rhywun wouldn’t touch her staff.
Just don’t get your white supremacy on the bedsheets.
Spartacus. He will always be Spartacus to me. That is all.
Seconded.
I’m actually still giggling about ‘erotic grotto’.
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/04/supreme-court-majority-defends-death-penalty/587749/
Author misses the point that SCOTUS isn’t about enacting popular legislation. If you want it changed then go to Congress.
I can’t stand the smarmy tone even if they’re right on certain aspects of that.
It is a curious choice. Capital punishment is a relic of a harsher time, now stumbling toward extinction, unpopular with both right and left. For these conservative justices—Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, and Brett Kavanaugh—to embrace it is like an American politician journeying to the Soviet Union in 1991 and saying, “I have seen the future and it works!”
Uh, that’s the platform of Bernie and Media-darling AOC.
That is the platform of the Democrat party.
relic of a harsher time
End of history bullshit.
Execution was essential to the development of civilization. The thesis is that by culling out the bottom percentile of anti-social (low impulse-control & intelligence) young men, Western countries made themselves more civilized.
So…eugenics then?
That the Dem primary is an act akin to a circus strong-man charade would explain why each candidate has already gone out of their way to mortally wound their candidacy with stupidity.
The funny thing is if the party doesn’t like the winner the people chose, they can use super delegates to tell em to fuck off. Ask Lavrentia Bernie….
Democracy!
tHiS jUsT mEaNs We nEeD sInGle pAyEr!!!
https://issuesinsights.com/2019/04/24/cbo-report-1-4-million-lost-health-insurance-since-2016-and-obamacare-is-to-blame/
Obamacare was designed to give the political class power to pick winners & losers, and then fail so they could do the single payer shit and dispense with the middleman and get straight to letting people they don’t like die waiting for medical care.
Many in the herd will stampede towards the cull.
Profits are evil! Power to the holy government! Free shit for all!
Wait why am I being sent to the camps? I am a BELIEVER! I REALLY AM! I AM SORRY I COMPLAINED ABOUT MY FOOD SUCKING WHILE TH E TOP MEN ATE CAVIAR AND DRANK CRYSTAL!
Looks like the McCain family is going to be backing Biden in the primaries as well as the general:
https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/mccain-family-to-support-biden-in-2020-race-in-bid-to-defeat-trump
Yet another reason to not vote for that senile fuck.
Of course they are.
When McCain gave the deciding vote to removing Ocare by giving a dramatic last vote with a made for tv thumbs down it removed any lingering positive feelings toward the POS that remained over his POW status.
That is no shit. I came to hate that duplicitous fucker.
Speaking of duplicitous fuckers, I wonder who Jeb is going to endorse.
I don’t.
I don’t.
Please clap
You do?
I’m SHOCKED!
I’m sure our unbiased media will gush over this uncompromising display of bipartisanship and how principled they are.
Can’t say a bunch of oligarch asshats are going with another one of the boys. I can’t say I have missed Johnny since he did the world a favor and passed away.
Too bad it wasn’t thirty years ago.
Honestly, I’d give Trump my vote if he responded by asking who the rest of the Keating Five will be voting for?
OT: I’ll be in Charleston SC from Tues-Thursday next week.
Suggestions for restaurants?
Possible meet up?
The Onion has a sad.
https://www.theblaze.com/news/fat-sex-therapist-declares-science-that-says-overweight-people-are-unhealthy-is-akin-to-nazi-science
“Rashatwar — who identifies as “nonbinary” and “queer” — railed against “diet culture” and “fat phobia” and “size-ism” and “weight bias” and “body-image abuse” and a “rich thin ideal,” tying it all to white supremacy, capitalism, classism, and even a “police state” that engages in “social control.””
That has to be parody. She asks for subsidies for her food costs. No way that is real.
Since I am sure she ain’t getting no bones, she might as well compensate by eating….
Original story. There’s no way the earth can produce enough popcorn to get us through this time.
https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=12142
I wonder if that college has a fitness center/gym…?
Every college has a fitness center/gym.
And a climbing wall.
If it’s parody she’s gone all in on it.
https://everydayfeminism.com/speakers-bureau/sonalee-rashatwar/
Everyday feminism. That they bit only convinces me more. It will turn out like those word salads submitted to scientific periodicals.
*searches for Sonalee Rashatwar
Ooops. Looks like I was wrong. It really is impossible to distinguish these people from parody
https://www.sonaleer.com
Whatever you do dont miss the ‘About’ page
Somebody so poor…they’re fat.
Well they can’t afford to eat expensive stuff! Or a gym…
If dying at age from 50 due to complications from diabetes/coronary disease/stroke/any of the other 1000 things that kill morbidly obese people in their early 50s isn’t a sign of being unhealthy then I don’t know what is.
Healthy for the state / whoever pays the medical bills.
any of the other 1000 things that kill morbidly obese people
Would I be a terrible person if I said that, in this case, at least, that’s a feature and not a bug?
Why yes. Yes you would. Welcome.
This sentence confused me:
I thought it was an organization or something.
Then I remembered
My brain hurts.
That’s cause you still want this shit to make sense, have some logic, or be reasonable.
They say in every fat person there’s a thin one trying to get out. She’s got a couple, hence she needs to be referred to in the plural sense.
I laughed
That doesn’t even make sense in topsy-turvy world. I think they meant “she/their” – which also doesn’t make sense but for a different reason.
Oh I give up.
And if she has no objection to “she” then why with all the “they” nonsense? I mean, what the fuck is wrong with these people?
I guess she or they get a little thrill of power at the thought that you can’t even talk to, or about, her or them without tripping over your own tongue. But she or they don’t seem to get that that says a lot more about her or them that it does about us.
After starting to read that and seeing the picture I went back to Sugarfree, less queasiness in the stomach
If she was blue, I’d swear she was Violet Beauregarde.
In reference to the transgender fatties. Camille Paglia correctly points out that “transgenderism” and similar craziness has happened before – always during a late-empire / cultural collapse period.
This is the most. I laughed so fucking hard at this I was actually afraid of what my blood pressure was doing.