The Hat and The Hair: Episode 121

by | May 29, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 205 comments

Hope Hicks Left the White House. Now She Must Decide Whether to Talk to Congress.

 

“I have it on the goodest possible authority that Mayor Pete is a werepossum!” the hat said to the empty Oval Office.

“What?” the hair asked from the Presidential Shitter.

“What?” Donald asked from the Presidential Shitter.

“MAYOR PETE IS A WEREPOSSUM!” the hat screamed.

“He is not a werepossum,” the hair said, riding Donald back into the office.

“Werepossum!” the hat insisted.

“What’s a werepossum?” Donald asked.

“It doesn’t exist, Donald,” the hair said.

“It’s a man that turns into a possum during autoerotic asphyxiation,” the hat said.

“Sounds dangerous,” Donald said.

“Werepossums are a myth, Donald,” the hair said soothingly. “Mayor Pete is just a gay small-town mayor.”

“Gay werepossums are the most dangerous kind,” the hat said. “Tear your junk right off!”

“Sounds horrible,” Donald replied, his hands covering his crotch defensively.

“Stop scaring him,” the hair said.

“This is science, dammit! Science is supposed to be scary,” the hat snapped.

“Mishter President!’ a voice came from the secretarial pool outside the office.

“Ugh,” the hat muttered.

“This fucking clown,” the hair said into the musty plains of Donald’s scalp.

Rudy scuttled into the office as fast as his legs could carry him, the sharp tips gouging into the hardwood slats of the floor. He went into a tumble as he tried to stop himself on the Presidental Seal rug and rolled to a stop under the coffee table.

“Physical comedy!” he sang as he sprang out, landing on all his legs.

“Rudy!” Donald cried. “How’s the best lawyer in the whole wide world?”

The hat and the hair both softly groaned.

“Mishtar President! We have a grave emergency situation on our hands. I handled 9/11 and kept the country together.”

“What is it, Rudy?” Donald asked, painfully bending over to look him in the eyestalks. “What is it, old friend?”

“Congresh has delivered a subpoena to Hope Hicks!’ the mouthpiece said through his mouthparts.

“Hope? Not Hope, my beautiful Hope!” Donald wailed. He pulled at his filthy undershirt until it tore.

“Too much makeup,” the hat said.

“Hooker face,” the hair agreed.

“Shut up, both of you!” Donald shouted. “I won’t have you say anything bad about Hope!”

Rudy scuttled sideways away from Trump. “I… I… I just said she had been subpoenaed. I wasn’t implying it was her fault or anything.”

“We have to save her, Rudy,” Donald said desperately. “I have to keep her safe.”

“She can just ignore it like everyone else has, Donald,” the hat said.

“HOPE!” Donald screamed again.

The Secret Service agents on guard outside the Oval Office had learned long ago to ignore the strange sounds and shouts and concentrated on re-runs of The Office on their phones.

“Micheal cooked his foot!” one of them said and the other one nodded and laughed.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

205 Comments

  1. Yusef drives a Kia

    Booker face? I’ll take one.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I HATE AUTOCORRECT, hooker

      • UnCivilServant

        Your first response was funnier.

    • Spudalicious

      You’ve got a hard on for Cory, do ya?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Its werepossums all the way down……

      • commodious spittoon

        Rosario Dawson is a shameful waste as a beard, even with the TDS.

  2. Spudalicious

    “Gay werepossums are the most dangerous kind,” the hat said. “Tear your junk right off!”

    This is the best of timelines.

    • Swiss Servator

      the musty plains of Donald’s scalp.

      Indeed it is.

    • Plisade

      I read that and heard it being exclaimed by Seinfeld’s Kramer.

  3. Tundra

    “It’s a man that turns into a possum during autoerotic asphyxiation,” the hat said.

    Damn it. Now everyone is staring at me.

    • Fourscore

      Good thing I’m alone. Can you LOL if there is no one to hear you?

    • Ted S.

      You turned into a possum during autoerotic asphyxiation?

      Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.

  4. straffinrun

    I wanna read the graffiti on the walls of the Presidential shitter.

    • AlexinCT

      The Hat was here?

  5. leon

    “Shut up, both of you!” Donald shouted. “I won’t have you say anything bad about Hope!”

    S policy 50% of Americans can agree with Trump on.

    • Don Escaped Texas

      I can’t go on record with what I think about Hope, but I think it often

      * crawls in bunk, spills coffee *

      • Animal

        spills coffee

        I just learned a new euphemism.

  6. Jarflax

    Pfft, “The Office” more like the agents are watching A Serbian Film.

    • Jarflax

      SF why weren’t you credited for your work on that movie btw?

      • SugarFree

        I wuz cheated, man. Never trust showbiz types.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I have no idea why Hello Kitty omamori would be illegal, but I’ll take it.

    • Suthenboy

      Texas had (has?) some funny laws about weapons. Tread lightly.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        yes, twas always messy

        In their defense, the legislative process creates terrible laws because it’s about compromise instead of principle. If you want constitutional carry, that’s the easily code to promulgate, but, instead, there was this decades-long process of whittling away the old code, with each interim state being utterly corn-fuzzled and impenetrable.

        This is my point over and over about Texas: man up for freedom. Less talking, less compromising with church-ladies. Be the free, cowboy-up, mind-your-own-business Texas.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Congratulations Texas. Now all you have to do is remove the permit issue requirement for concealed carry and you might be on par with Arizona.

  7. commodious spittoon

    Is Rudy a lobster?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Tick is the right answer

      • Nephilium

        He is not nigh-invulnerable!

        At least I hope Rudy isn’t…

  8. Q Continuum

    “Trump allegedly told Hope Hicks, his current communications director, that she was the ‘greatest piece of tail’ his former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, would ever get.”

    • SugarFree

      I see nothing that can possibly dispute this claim.

      Zero Pinocchios.

    • wdalasio

      Have you seen Corey Landowsk? Have you seen Hope Hicks? Donald was just stating the obvious.

      • Tundra

        Hope is only 30.

        I’m not sure she’s gonna age that well.

      • wdalasio

        Perhaps not. But, I can pretty much guarantee Landowski won’t age any better.

      • Animal

        Maybe not, but right now, still on the “would” list.

  9. Gustave Lytton

    Who doesn’t like waking up to the smell of bacon?

    • UnCivilServant

      The pig whose belly is cooked.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    “Mayor Pete is just a gay small-town mayor.”

    And a veteran. Bow down before him.

    What was his function in Afghanistan (or wherever he was)? I have a friend who is a Viet Nam vet who was a draftsman; he spent his time in Saigon, drawing up charts and maps and signs. This is not meant to demean or diminish him (or Buttinski) in any way, but a lot people seem to reflexively assume that every “veteran” spent his time rappelling out of helicopters with a .30 caliber machine gun under his arm and a ka-bar clenched in his teeth.

    • UnCivilServant

      Without those maps and signs, how would the helicopter have gotten the guy to the spot where the .30 cal and kabar were needed?

      • leon

        If you’ve ever read “We were soldiers” you would know that the generals just picked a spot and went with it.

      • UnCivilServant

        But just imagine – the helicopters all find spots other than the one the guy with too many stars pointed at!

      • commodious spittoon

        Melchett: Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.

        Blackadder: Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?

        Darling: How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? It’s classified information!

        Blackadder: It’s the same plan that we used last time and the seventeen times before that.

        Melchett: Exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it! It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we’ve done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they’ll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem.

        Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds.

        Melchett: That’s right. And Field Marshal Haig is worried this may be depressing the men a tad. So he’s looking for a way to cheer them up.

        Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide seems the obvious choice.

        Melchett: Hmm, interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.

      • UnCivilServant

        “Here’s the ground we captured today.” *gestures to square of turf on table.*

        “Good, how many miles does this represent?”

        “This is it, the actual ground we captured today.”

      • commodious spittoon

        Blackadder: I was wondering whether, having been tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a week’s leave to recuperate.

        Melchett: Excellent idea. Your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you.

        Blackadder: Well… you are my commanding officer.

        Melchett: Well?

        Blackadder: Can I have a week’s leave to recuperate, sir?

        Melchett: Certainly not!

    • Drake

      I had a Battalion Operations Officer get us all lost invading Kuwait despite his PLRS and GPS equipped Humvee.

      • UnCivilServant

        Thar’s yer problem. Too much reliance on technology in a featureless wasteland.

      • Drake

        Too much reliance on an idiot Major. Finally his Lance Corporal driver lost his patience and showed the moron where we were.

        By then it was the middle of the night and we were looking at round-topped tanks silhouetted against the burning oilfields – with absolutely idea if they were the First Marine Division’s M60A3’s or T-72’s.

      • UnCivilServant

        Listen for the unecessary ‘Oora’-ing.

      • Drake

        Not much to Oraah about in that episode. We just stopped the convoy, posted guards and went to sleep. In the morning the tanks were gone and we drove up to where we were supposed to be.

      • UnCivilServant

        So in the retelling, you surprised an Iraqi tank division in the dead of night and scared them off, right?

      • ChipsnSalsa

        That’s the Brian Williams version.

      • Drake

        Obviously I killed a couple of tank crews by jamming grenades down the hatch – then proceeded to kill the enemy’s CO in a knife-fight. The rest all realized I was a Marine and surrendered to me.

      • Animal

        Obviously I killed a couple of tank crews by jamming grenades down the hatch – then proceeded to kill the enemy’s CO in a knife-fight. The rest all realized I was a Marine and surrendered to me.

        That was you, eh?

      • Plisade

        We had a confusing night of LPs reporting incoming enemy vehicles. Turned out to be a friendly TOW unit, going on a rogue scouting mission, looking for some fun.

      • UnCivilServant

        You found Drake’s humvees?

      • Plisade

        Found, reappropriated, ya know…

    • Fourscore

      Oh-oh, someone’s been reading my military records. Why can’t I get a coverup…

    • SugarFree

      Mayor Pete was a naval intelligence officer.

      • UnCivilServant

        Tracking Uganda’s aircraft carriers?

    • Fourscore

      Pete was a naval (navel?) intel off, 5 months of desk jockeying in the Old Country, then 5 years of monthly meetings in Chicago of reserve time.

      /Swoon/

  11. The Late P Brooks

    I wuz cheated, man. Never trust showbiz types.

    Never mind the credit. Where’s my check?

  12. CPRM

    I am dissapoint. I was hoping you were to savage these mortals with the beginnings of the Extended Universe and destroy what little sanity they have left.

    • SugarFree

      Soon, my sweet beast. Soon.

  13. straffinrun

    Nice twist at the beginning, SF. I thought the hair was taking a shit by itself. One line later and I’m saying, “Ooooh”.

  14. Heroic Mulatto

    Gay werepossums

    I WANT TO BELIEVE

  15. LJW

    Apparently Mueller spoke for the last time. Media is already spinning it. He didn’t say Trump is innocent therefore he is GUILTY!

    • Suthenboy

      I missed it. I guess I will go look it up.

      • R C Dean

        More disgraceful horseshit. Just a quick recap of the worst parts of his report. I read it as a desperate attempt to distract from the investigation into how the investigation got started, which will likely extend into how it was conducted.

        At that point, Mueller will have to answer for all the leaks, and the destruction of evidence (Page and Strzok’s phones) by his office.

  16. UnCivilServant

    Huh. Shades closed, everything feels normal. I open the shades to let in sunlight, and suddenly it feels like the 1980s.

      • UnCivilServant

        No. It was the combination of the light, decor, the trucks on a gravel parking lot and the field between my window and cinderblock buildings that reminded me of the scenery of my life in that decade.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        AESTHETIC

      • UnCivilServant

        Naw, it didn’t actually have the highlights of the era, just a few items that reminded me specifically of my circumstances then.

      • Ted S.

        I thought the link was going to be to this.

    • Sean

      Gonna go down to the mall and hang out?

      • UnCivilServant

        I was there earlier this week. It was all clothing stores and geriatric mallwalkers.

      • UnCivilServant

        Nothing like that. I guess this is why I didn’t use the term “80’s aesthetic”, because I doubt anyone else standing at the window would have gone “It feels like the 1980s”

      • Fatty Bolger

        Whoa. I had no idea Degrassi had been around that long.

      • Rhywun

        I had no idea it only ran for 3 years.

      • CPRM

        3 of Degrassi Junior High, then it became Degrassi High because they were in high school.

      • UnCivilServant

        It took them three years to get through junior high?

        /ignores all the districts without two-year middle schools.

      • Rhywun

        Ah, that makes more sense. I think I only saw the HS one.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    suddenly it feels like the 1980s present day Canada.

  18. Suthenboy

    “If we had had confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said that,” Mueller said. “We did not determine whether the president did commit a crime.”

    That is some first rate shitweaselese there Robby. Now go fuck yourself. Lemme know if you need some help, I have an extra rusty chainsaw I can lend to you.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Innocent until proven guilty, do I have that right? I thought these people knew the basics of law?

    • kinnath

      That’s why the system decides guilty or not guilty. No need to prove innocent.

      • Suthenboy

        I don’t remember which of the gibbering idiots it was for sure….I think it was Waters….held a rally where she made the claim that “Trump is guilty!!” She never said of what or how she knew, just ‘He’s guilty’. Then she led her astroturf in an extended “He’s guilty! ” chant.

        That seems to sum up the entire anti-Trump movement.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Can’t prove a negative. He’s just stirring the pot.

      He ought to be run out on a rail for this.

    • AlexinCT

      He wants to avoid having to testify under oath so he can avoid having to answer questions like “When did you know this was all a hoax?” or “Why is there no mention about the fact that the entire case the FBI/CIA/NSA/DOJ presented revolved around a pile of garbage generated and paid for by the Clinton campaign?”, or the other numerous questions that all lead to the fact that the people really in bed with Russians got a pass, while these fucks tried to run a coup after numerous attempts to entrap trump campaign people backfired because these morons were just too stupid.

      But he is also desperate to give the democrats ammunition to keep stalling on the downright criminal activity they all engaged in to rig an election and then try to pull of a coup after they still managed to lose it.

      • leon

        Huh. I just assumed he was stating all this so that the Dems could go back and arrest Trump after he was out of office.

      • R C Dean

        Why is there no mention about the fact that the entire case the FBI/CIA/NSA/DOJ presented revolved around a pile of garbage generated and paid for by the Clinton campaign, that was sourced by foreign individuals from the Russian government?

        The Russian collusion has been 100% evident from day one. Not only that, Mueller’s broad grant of authority to investigate anything that came up while he was investigating Trump authorized him to follow up on the Steele dossier.

        An honest prosecutor would likely have brought charges for conspiring with the Russian government to interfere with the election. Just not against Trump.

      • AlexinCT

        The Russian collusion has been 100% evident from day one. Not only that, Mueller’s broad grant of authority to investigate anything that came up while he was investigating Trump authorized him to follow up on the Steele dossier.

        Mueller was not investigating shit. He knew before he was appointed to the task that the whole thing was bogus. he spent close to 3 years wasting time trying to make orangeman go “The Hulk” and do something – anything – that the left could then use to impeach him. If anything, Mueller’s charge was to help facilitate a coup, based on lies, so the machine could cover the corruption of the weaponized Obama bureaucracy.

        People need to do serious jail time for the criminal activity of the Obama administration and the Clinton machine.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Innocent until proven guilty, do I have that right?

    They would never have spent all that time and money investigating an innocent man, silly.

    • Tundra

      Love it.

      • kinnath

        And remember, if bankruptcy is good enough for the president, then it’s good enough for you.

        What was that? You borrowed money that you are statutorily prohibited from writing off in bankruptcy. What damn fool told you that was a good idea?

      • LJW

        Could you imagine the economic shit storm if they suddenly decided you can write off student loan debt in bankruptcy?

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, since those are government loans now…

      • Don Escaped Texas

        most of it is insured by the USG

        so it would just mean the printing of more portraits of presidents and inflation that all our other USG mistake ultimately lead to

      • robc

        You used to be able to. But when that was the case, for some reason the banks wanted a cosigner with actual assets.

      • leon

        My favorite clip is of Congressional idiot #324 questioning the bankers about what they plan to do to help people with student loans. Each replies that there bank doesn’t do them anymore, the last one adding: we got out when the government took over student loans.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Now you’ve got to pony up the link to that.

    • Suthenboy

      I have been hearing this shit all of my life. USG insured student loans were the worst idea possible so of course that is what they did. It has been a shit mess for decades and will continue getting worse until the whole thing crashes. That is how the govt works. I have no sympathy for any of the various players in the debacle. We are all going to get fucked over one way or another and there is nothing we can do about it.

      • Cacciatore

        >we are all going to get fucked and there is nothing we can do about it

        That’s the point, Johnny!

    • Suthenboy

      I see no mention of motive. Could just be ordinary nuts but I think we all can guess what the motive was.

      • Rhywun

        I can’t wait to hear the Dems’ hot-takes.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Boooooo….

      • Rhywun

        Oh shit… that was not intended, believe it or not.

      • UnCivilServant

        You should have owned it and accepted the punnishment.

      • Rhywun

        I don’t want to be flamed for gratuitous punsmanship.

      • leon

        You’ve already burned that bridge.

    • wdalasio

      I’d really laugh if President Trump showed up with some marshmallows and graham crackers.

    • Spudalicious

      He was wearing a fire suit.

      • R C Dean

        What a beta.

      • Cacciatore

        Idea for a new op: convince libs to self immolate as a form of protest.

        Fire suits are for pussies.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Get out the marshmallows.

  20. Don Escaped Texas

    have curve ball, will travel

    I’ve wondered why this has taken so long. Don’t like the rules of the NFL, NBA, or NCAA: go to a better market, see the world, prove your worth.

    I change jobs a lot and think more people should generate liquidity: there must be transactions, the talent buyers must lose from time to time, to update the market prices (the price of the talent and the price of replacing talent).

    • Gustave Lytton

      The idea of a player decamping to Japan has been floated over the years

      Yeah, Mr Baseball came out 27 years ago. This is why snot nosed kids shouldn’t be allowed to be sportswriters, other than typing up box scores.

      • Rhywun

        Utterly routine in the soccer world.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        right: should be routine everywhere

        The NBA 1 year and out rule pisses a lot of people off. I think: just go play in Spain or Italy for a year

      • robc

        I think exactly one guy has done it, and it worked for him.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        He will likely be scouted heavily by NBA executives all season in the Australian NBL, as he is expected to play a featured role with the Breakers.

        NBA scout gives a fist pump at the chance to go to Australia on the company’s dime.

  21. Rebel Scum

    “HOPE!” Donald screamed again.

    “It seems that in your anger trolling you killed her got her subpoenaed.”

    NOOOO!

  22. Gustave Lytton

    Fuck WordPress and it’s moving the reply box around to where I swipe to scroll.

    • leon

      Me too!!!!! I hadn’t noticed that this was the reason!

    • Suthenboy

      I am not getting enough info there. Are there no journalists anymore? None?
      Do you have to have a reservation? Pay a fee? The story doesn’t seem clear enough. They were told that access isn’t exclusive to campers…what does that mean?

      Dingbat shouldn’t have pulled a gun unless the couple threatened her in some serious way. Doesn’t sound like the couple did anything wrong beyond a misunderstanding but then they had to go shit up their credibility by pulling the race card….so fuck them too.

      • Rhywun

        The race card is a certain ticket to national, hell – international, coverage.

        Also: Kampgrounds of America… KKKampgrounds, amirite?

      • Q Continuum

        Such intersectional. So diversity.

      • UnCivilServant

        the company “does not condone the use of a firearm in any manner.”

        I am now against KOA.

    • Suthenboy

      Most of this shitshow is to keep Hillary and Obama’s asses covered. The Obama administration is indistinguishable from a crime syndicate to me.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Everybody wanted him fired. This is one of those case where Trump’s political naivete got the better of him. He thought that firing somebody everybody wanted fired couldn’t be used against him.

      • leon

        What’s interesting is that Hillary would have fired Comey as soon as she could. This was the act that supposedly started the investigation into Trump.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Inconceivable!

    Experts say the accessibility of ghost guns is aided by a cottage industry of retailers selling nearly completed firearms that require no screening to purchase.

    As ghost guns proliferate across the state, lawmakers and police are scrambling to understand the scale of the problem, let alone remedy it. In 2016, the California Legislature passed a law requiring residents to register homemade weapons with law enforcement. A separate requirement outlawed the possession of unregistered ghost guns.

    But records obtained by The Trace and NBC indicate that the law has had little effect. Compliance with the law is low, and prosecutors have never brought charges under the new statute.

    How can this be? The magic spell must not have been cast correctly. Try again.

    • Rhywun

      “Ghost guns”?! Oooooh, scary!

      • Q Continuum

        The only shoot spirits.

      • UnCivilServant

        Must get expensive to operate. Use the bottom shelf stuff.

    • leon

      “, lawmakers and police are scrambling to understand the scale of the problem”

      What problem?

      • UnCivilServant

        The filthy proles might be armed, Leon! Don’t you get it?

        /Commiefornia

    • Suthenboy

      I don’t know the rules on these incomplete receiver sales but I am guessing the news story is complete bullshit because….well on this subject they always lie their asses off.
      I will ask around. to see what the rules are.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        right: time was that anything with a breech was regulated as a gun

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      His account was suspended by social media. I’m loving how the “bake the cake” people have so effortless transitioned to screaming about “freedom of association”, but only for large multinational companies. Good times

      • WTF

        Revealing factual information that puts the left in a bad light violates social media’s community standards.

      • Q Continuum

        Well, social media’s job is to put the Left in the best possible light, so this checks out.

    • Rhywun

      Today in “duh”.

    • Don Escaped Texas

      does antifa have a huge presence in constitutional carry states?

      • Q Continuum

        Oddly enough, Oregon (at least for now) has pretty liberal gun laws and Portland is one of their more active enclaves. I think they (rightly) assume that an activist judiciary, prosecutor’s office and jury pool would likely come down on their side should they be subject to any deadly force. They gamble that their opposition knows this too.

        Or, both sides could all just be a bunch of doughy cowards who enjoy playing make-believe and don’t have true convictions that they’re willing to offer their life as collateral to support.

      • Tundra

        I’d be willing to bet most of the guns are on the other side of the mountains.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        maybe so

        but there isn’t anyone out there.

        so there might be more guns in the west because 10% of something is more than 100% of nothing?

        OT: I had an uncle killed in Coos Bay; needz moar reasonable tree control.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Logging continues to be one of the deadliest professions.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Doubt it. Oregon’s gun laws have been eroding over the last several years. The only reason they weren’t able to implement the current Bloomberg wish list this session was they wanted to raise taxes too much and made a deal with the token R’s (whose only power is preventing a quorum now that the D’s have a supermajority).

  24. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    When does the Russia narrative end? We so effortlessly moved from “muh..collusion” to “muh..obstruction of justice” to the point where we are pretending like the obliteration of the central narrative is inconsequential.

    I’m just looking forward to the Reason article defending the intelligence community. At least that will be good for laughs.

    (Please link if they have already published this article, my guess is that it would be written by Cathy Young or ENB or someone else who makes you roll your eyes when they say they’re libertarian)

    • Suthenboy

      “…the obliteration of the central narrative is inconsequential.”

      I think that is the strategy.

    • The Other Kevin

      I think the strategy is “Keep throwing shit against the wall, eventually something might stick.”

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Didn’t work for Bush, or Obama why will it work this time?

    • Q Continuum

      It’ll stop when a Democrat or preapproved establishment Republican is comfortably back in the White House. This is an extended attempt to reverse the 2016 election and it won’t stop until Trump’s gone for some reason or another.

  25. UnCivilServant

    Still working on revising the blurb for “Beyond the Edge of the Map”. Here’s the latest draft:As the illegitimate nephew of a prince, Dug FitzHelen could have lived an easy life on his uncle’s estates. Indolence proved unappealing, and Dug knew he needed to prove he could make it on his own, to himself at least.

    With a squad of sellswords and a neurotic interpretor in tow, he sets out for the end of the known world. Living by his skill, his silver, and his steel, he finds adventures, new friends and foes among peoples he never knew existed, and must face battle and catastrophe in the lands and seas Beyond the Edge of the Map.

    I want to break up the last sentence, put a full stop after ‘existed’, and turn the last fragment into a whole sentence that still flows from the rest. Any suggestions?

    • UnCivilServant

      Blockquote fail.

      s the illegitimate nephew of a prince, Dug FitzHelen could have lived an easy life on his uncle’s estates. Indolence proved unappealing, and Dug knew he needed to prove he could make it on his own, to himself at least.

      With a squad of sellswords and a neurotic interpretor in tow, he sets out for the end of the known world. Living by his skill, his silver, and his steel, he finds adventures, new friends and foes among peoples he never knew existed, and must face battle and catastrophe in the lands and seas Beyond the Edge of the Map.

      • Plisade

        Catastrophe and battle await him in lands… ?

      • UnCivilServant

        Thank you. I don’t know why that eluded me.

      • The Hyperbole

        existed. Battle and catastrophe await Dug “Thiccbottom” Fitzhelen in the lands and seas Beyond the Edge of the Map.

        Replace “Thiccbottom” with his actual nickname, If you haven’t given him one yet, feel free to use “Thick Bottom” you don’t even have to put me in the acknowledgments page.

      • Plisade

        Great minds think alike, and so do ours.

    • Fatty Bolger

      IMO the last sentence seems fine the way it is. I’d be more concerned with the beginning, there’s not enough of a hook to catch the reader’s interest. Keep in mind that sites like Amazon only show the first few lines unless you specifically click to read more. You have to grab the reader immediately.

      I like the “neurotic interpreter” detail.

    • Lord Humungus

      Writing blurbs is more agonizing than writing a chapter – creating a distillation in a few paragraphs, while making it interesting to a potential buyer… argh!

      • UnCivilServant

        Writing the book is easy.

        This was the one that took 8 days.

        I’ve spent more time agonizing over these 102 words.

    • Ted S.

      It was a dark and stormy night.

      • UnCivilServant

        Blooddrops strummed on the window pane and the skies thundered with the screams of the damned. “Who opened the hellportal?” Arthur asked.

      • Plisade

        The night twas brillig.

    • Suthenboy

      Because he is guilty.

    • Q Continuum

      Becuz ORANGEMANBAD. MUST IMPEACH.

      /NPCs of all stripes

    • Rhywun

      Mueller just told the world Trump is a criminal.

      Sure, Jan.

  26. Don Escaped Texas

    Texas temporarily improved by incompetent Lege

    lawmakers failed to extend the life of the state agency which oversees workers, and the state plumbing code is due to expire on September 1

    • Suthenboy

      I would love to see that happen.

      “…plumbers install medical gas…”

      Uh huh. what will happen is companies that exist or will exist will have their own cadre of plumbers that they have trained themselves get those contracts. These companies will also have insurance from companies that will also have their own standards.
      Hospital X is not going to give the contract to Jackleg inc.

      • Sensei

        Please.

        A commercial enterprise of any size will ask for certificates of insurance, both General Liability and Workers’ Comp.

        And how many fly by night plumbers are going have proper insurance.

      • Suthenboy

        I thought that is what I said. I should hang it up today.

      • Urthona

        Did anyone mention that they will need to be insured?

      • Don Escaped Texas

        and then a bag of dope fell out of his anus

      • Sensei

        Not disagreeing, just being specific.

        With the trades insurance certs are a big deal. Because your own insurance makes sure you get them so they don’t have to pay.

      • Cacciatore

        Beyond insurance, specialization is a big deal. I am an industrial electrician and water plants hire the company I work for because…we do water plants. The only other companies who bid the jobs we do (and don’t lose their asses if they do win)…do water plants.

  27. The Late P Brooks

    the state plumbing code is due to expire on September 1

    Oh, no! The hot water will be on the left, and shit will run uphill!

    • UnCivilServant

      The hot water will be on the left

      Too late!

  28. The Late P Brooks

    Wait- hot water will be on right.

    D’oh!

    • Suthenboy

      *quitely removes Brooks’ plumbing tools and hides them*

      • Suthenboy

        And there it is. Skitt’s law. I must have lesdixia.

      • Private Chipperbot

        lesdixia

        Is that the new word for a lesbian female to male trans person?

      • Spudalicious

        Japanese sized penis.

  29. Q Continuum

    I know this has been linked previously, but there’s an additional piece of information relevant to it:

    https://triblive.com/sports/biological-male-wins-ncaa-womens-track-championship/

    Last place in the Men’s 400m hurdles final was 50.76 so “she” would have been smoked by almost 7 seconds if “she” were still competing as a male (which “she” was as recently as last January). It really is true that if a male athlete can’t cut it, he can just start identifying as a woman and become champion. I Just. Can’t. Wait. until this insanity hits the Olympics.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      If and when it does happen that will be the end of the Olympics. Despite what Western media believes, you are not going to find a lot of South American, African, or Asian countries who would accept this new definition of gender (which is always used in place of sex when convenient, thus defeating the whole argument).

      • Don Escaped Texas

        It’s just the end of women’s sports ?

    • Suthenboy

      It is a deliberate attempt to destroy organized sports. The cognitive deficit required to go along with it by everyone else is proof that Einstein was correct.

  30. The Late P Brooks

    I Just. Can’t. Wait. until this insanity hits the Olympics.

    Don’t they still have chromosome-testing for Olympic events? As much as I would like to see the Olympics go down in flames, I find it unlikely they will succumb to this idiocy. Now, if some countries want to boycott… so be it.

    • Q Continuum

      How unwoke of them.

  31. R C Dean

    Alright, I’m burning my lunch hour looking at the Mueller report, specifically on the sections that address the constitutionality of charging a President with obstruction.

    The conclusion, reached right there in the fucking report, is that there are no overarching barrier to charging a President with obstruction. Even his exercise of Constitutional powers can be obstruction, if done for corrupt motives. I see, on a quick review, no reference to the DOJ memo that he spoke of today, that supposedly says you can’t charge a sitting President. His report says you can. He specifically rejects the argument that the President has blanket immunity, and spends pages laying out when and how the President can be charged with obstruction.

    His conclusion is breathtakingly arrogant: “Because we determined not to make a traditional prosecutorial judgment . . . . this report does not exonerate the President.” In order to say he as a prosecutor is not exonerating the President, he first had to jettison the role of a prosecutor, which is not to exonerate anyone, and take on the role of grand inquisitor.

    As near as I can tell, his press conference today flatly contradicts what he said in the report. No wonder he didn’t take any questions. What a steaming pile of shit this man is.