The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Biden Announces

by | May 1, 2019 | Hat and Hair, Joemala, SugarFree | 220 comments

 

“You’re the superpredator,” Joe said to his reflection in the mirror of his campaign bus. “You’ve still got a good head of hair and most women you touch don’t have a problem with it. Presidents have been made on less.”

“Is that enough?” the makeup girl asked.

she’s got nice tits they are right on the back of my neck i can feel the weight of them i can smell them

“More,” he told her. “More foundation. And maybe a little rouge to bring out my cheekbones.” He gave her a too wide smile in the mirror and she shuddered at his dead eyes.

she’s on her period I can smell it smell it smell it meat she smells like meat

“Superpredator,” he whispered as she worked, the brushes moving over his face, the comb going through his hair as she smoothed it against his head.

“Get it good,” he said. “There’s only room in this race for one crazy-haired old man and it’s not going to be me.” He gave a hollow avuncular laugh and winked at her.

laugh laugh laugh laugh damn you laugh i’m funny everyone knows i’m funny

“What do you think, Mr. Vice President?” she asked.

“It looks fine,” Joe said. He searched around his mind for her name and drew a blank. He reached to pat her hand instead but her chaperone reached forward and slapped his hand.

“No touching, sir,” the large woman said, her voice gravelly and thick.

fucken dyke fucken dyke fucken dyke can’t find a man that will fuck you

Joe bared his teeth in a smile at the chaperone.

There was a polite knock on the door of his dressing room, the thin door rattling in its flimsy frame.

“Mr. Vice President?” Michelle asked through the door. “Are you ready? It’s time.”

“OK, OK, just hold your horses,” he said, sliding on his folksy personality like an ill-fitting glove. Joe tore away the tissue paper protecting his dress shirt and put on his suit jacket.

“How do I look?” he asked his assistant.

“Just great, Mr. Vice President!” the girl said, shooting a thumbs up from behind the glowering chaperone.

“Michelle!” he said, opening the door. She backed away from his outstretched arms until he dropped them to his side.

“Make sure to hit all the points we talked about this morning,” she said.

yellow meat yellow meat that tiny little body i want her to land a triple axel on my dick

“Hit points,” he replied. “This morning. Hit.”

“Shake hands only. No holding babies. No hugs. Don’t autograph anyone’s cleavage.”

“Not even the guys?” he asked, hurt in his voice.

“Not even the guys,” she said firmly.

“And make sure to launch the new slogan,” she said.

“New slogan?” he asked, lost in a fog of suck suck suck thoughts.

“Make America Moral Again?” she prompted.

“Is there a hat? I want a hat,” Joe demanded.

“No hat,” she said firmly. He had asked a dozen times already.

“Make America Moral Again,” Joe said, rolling each word around in his mouth. “MAMA. MAMA. MAMA versus MAGA.” He looked down into Michelle’s eyes and asked, “Did you like your mother?”

She ignored the question and turned, walking off the bus. Joe darted forward to smell her hair. Lilacs. Musk. Frangipani.

i want to jizz in her hair jizz jazz jism i jizz in her hair i was jazzing her hair i have jazzed her hair i have been jazzing her hair i will jizz her hair i will have jazzed her hair i will be jazzing her hair i will have been jizzing her hair

He was still savoring the smell of her as he stepped out into the bright sun of the rally stop. The tepid roar of the crowd washing over him, faces turning to track him, hands out-reached. The pleading. The yearning. The need in them hitting him like a drug.

fuck them fuck them all fuck fuck fuck fuck

He shook his head and then started shaking hands.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

220 Comments

  1. Old Man With Candy

    I am suing you for damage to my soul.

    • AlexinCT

      Lets start a class action suit.. I am broken now and need to become moral again!

      • Nephilium

        Oh wait… this is the line to get moral. Sorry, I misheard you.

      • AlexinCT

        By moral we mean paid brah…

    • Ted S.

      You have a soul?

  2. mexican sharpshooter

    *cracks open Diet Coke*

    Okay, lets do this…

  3. CPRM

    Too Many Hats!!??

    • mexican sharpshooter

      You can never have too many hats. //Phil Collins

    • CPRM

      Is MAMA female? Or male? Or identify as one or the other?

      • The Other Kevin

        The word “matronly” comes to mind for some reason.

      • AlexinCT

        Not mama me la pinga?

      • EvilSheldon

        I assume that whatever species of demon that The Hat is, does not have a gender…

      • Swiss Servator

        Oh yes, the Hat is quite male – remember, it likes to bang fruit that has been duct-taped.

  4. DEG

    jizz jazz jism i jizz in her hair i was jazzing her hair

    Jizz, jazz, there’s a difference?

    • Old Man With Candy

      Ask John Coltrane.

    • SugarFree

      Jazz is the past tense.

      • Private Chipperbot

        I thought that’s what jizzed is?

      • Pan Zagloba

        That’s an adjective.

      • Rhywun

        jizz, jazz, has juzzen

      • leon

        Shall have jazzen

      • SugarFree

        Jazz is more active. Like the act of jizzing.

        (Please note: This is purely made up.)

      • Nephilium

        Really changes the meaning of Jazz Hands… doesn’t it?

      • SugarFree

        Yes. Yes, it does.

      • Private Chipperbot

        Gives a new meaning to getting jazzed up for the evening.

      • DEG

        Huh… I learned something. Thanks!

      • AlexinCT

        You can say you were jizzified?

      • AlexinCT

        Or is it Jizzucated?

    • Gustave Lytton

      I think I’d stay away from the Jizz Fest

      (weekend #2 starts Friday! Hit James Andrews!)

      • Gustave Lytton

        *hit it

  5. Jarflax

    Needs more senile slurring and incoherence.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Yes. I didn’t think this episode was so bad, mostly because this is how I assume Biden functions on a particularly lucid day.

      Can’t wait to see what Sugarfree comes up with when the Alzheimer’s becomes a campaign issue.

  6. Lord Humungus

    >>fuck them fuck them all fuck fuck fuck fuck

    It’s like SugarFree copied the thoughts in my brain when I’m in a meeting.

    • Swiss Servator

      I hope that said f’ing is meant in a different way than Slow Joe.

      • Not Adahn

        I’d need pics of the other attendees before I can agree.

  7. Spudalicious

    More cerebral than the last two installments. I’m not even nauseous.

    • Swiss Servator

      I dunno – “she’s on her period I can smell it smell it smell it meat she smells like meat”

      kind of took the ol’ edge off of lunch.

  8. commodious spittoon

    Taking the mickey out of Trump is one thing, but disparaging our seniormost statesman is a national scandal.

  9. Gadfly

    Did Biden really roll out the slogan MAMA? *Googles* Wow, so it looks the Dems have finally decided to become the new Moral Majority. Will be interesting to see how it works out for them.

    • The Other Kevin

      From what I can tell their version of “moral” includes free late term abortions, dropping a lot of bombs on other countries, and stealing money from productive people to pay for things that might get them re-elected. Looks to me like one big rake, just waiting to be stepped on.

      • Naptown Bill

        The Democrats are running as the “moral” party!?!? Oh Holy Night this is gonna be one hell of a ride. Setting aside the party’s stance on abortion, candidates who are openly anti-Semitic, candidates who refer to 9/11 as “some people [doing] something somewhere”, Anthony Weiner, noted supporter Harvey Weinstein, trying to find a Democrat in Virginia who didn’t dress up as a Klansman or rape anyone, l’affaire Smollett, and the whole rest of the mess, do you really think emphasizing moral fiber as a party platform is going to appeal to people like Trigglypuff or Antifa? Or Rachel Maddow’s viewers? Or will they see it as someone whitesplaining/mansplaining/whateversplaining the language of the colonialist patriarchy? Frankly, I think the “aw shucks, I’m just a regular ol’ God-fearin’ American who happens to believe in common sense gun safety regulation and making the rich pay their fair share, friend” ship has sailed.

      • Rhywun

        It makes sense if you remember they’re not running for themselves, they’re running against Trump.

      • Naptown Bill

        Yeah, I guess in this case the definition of moral becomes “not Trump”.

      • Drake

        Morality = Worship of an all-powerful State

    • Nephilium

      They’re just taking it back. They’re getting nostalgic for the PMRC, too bad we won’t get any good songs out of it this time.

    • Rhywun

      I thought it was a joke myself. Apparently he’s actually gonna roll with it. *shakes head*

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Me too. That’s just… just…..

        Fuck it man.

        *takes another hit*

      • AlexinCT

        And they are doing it with a straight face….

    • straffinrun

      How hard will it be to scribble “scolds” in after “moral”.

    • Gustave Lytton

      The hilarious part is Biden is is doing what the Stupid Party has done for years, accept Trump’s ground rules for the contest. MAMA might as well be a concession speech.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      Someone get me some MAMA memes, stat!

  10. Private Chipperbot

    Will the MAMA hat have a condom tucked into the headband? Perhaps a hidden sleeve that can dispense libido killing pills?

    Second thought. The MAMA hat should be one of those that gives you the wacky Guy Fieri hair, except the hair is made from clippings of his sniffings.

  11. Juvenile Bluster

    You fucktards think this is bad, look to the depiction of Nancy Pelosi in the AOC comic book. I’m not even going to link it because I want to save your souls. And your eyesight.

    • Nephilium

      Add to that two pieces of news from Netflix. The Obama production company has announced their projects, and they released Knock Down the House today. From the blurb:

      Go behind the scenes as four determined women — including Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez — challenge big-money politicians in the 2018 race for Congress

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Part of why Netflix doesn’t get any money from me anymore.

    • CPRM

      I looked it up, nothing after collaberating with SF.

      But I have a mission for you JB, find me a picture of the most seductive/sexy female anime eyes, and reap the MAMA!

    • Rhywun

      OK… now you HAVE to link it.

      • Rhywun

        I… can’t… even

      • wdalasio

        Hey, Roookie

      • DEG

        WTF?

      • SugarFree

        I think a certain little lady is going to be in a cartoon soon…

      • MikeS

        What the hell is that?

      • Juvenile Bluster

        I tried to warn you. If you clicked it’s your own damn fault.

      • leon

        I warned you, but you didn’t listen to me. Oh, no, you knew it all, didn’t you? Oh, it’s just a harmless cartoon, isn’t it? Well, it’s always the same, I always tell them…

      • Swiss Servator

        Imma need more than a Holy Hand Grenade for that image…

      • straffinrun

        Fake news. Say what you want, but Nancy has a fucking rack.

      • Swiss Servator

        *backs slowly away from straffin…*

      • Michael

        What…what the fuck is this shit?

  12. R C Dean

    most women you touch don’t have a problem with it

    For some reason, this cracked me up.

    I simply cannot believe, BTW, that Biden has a solid lead in the early polls. Slow Joe Biden, America’s Creepy Uncle. A man with, as far as I can tell, exactly zero accomplishments despite decades of holding elected offices.

    • EvilSheldon

      Avoiding the obvious train wrecks will take you a long way in politics.

    • Urthona

      Not just a solid lead, but he’s absolutely destroying everyone. Look at the realclearpolitics poll tracker today.

      I think he represents a nostalgic kind of old democrat past.

      • Nephilium

        A passing grip on reality?

      • R C Dean

        a nostalgic kind of old democrat past

        If you mean nostalgia for the Teddy Kennedy/Bill Clinton era of aggressive sexual entitlement, well, I guess you’ve got a point.

      • Urthona

        At least he’s not Bernie? I guess?

      • Ted S.

        So the Republicans can be the bridge to the future?

    • Gadfly

      I absolutely can believe he leads, because he’s the least crazy one running on that side at the moment, so where else are the sane D’s going to land? Plus he’s got Obama coattails, and he’s riding them hard, from what I hear.

      • Urthona

        He’s kicking trump’s ass too though. But maybe just because he’s a democrat;

      • SugarFree

        Yeah he is…

    • straffinrun

      In this news cycle, he could be knocked out next week for all we know.

      • Urthona

        He’s been leading the entire time. For months and months. Long before he announced.

      • R C Dean

        Obama did a fine job of clearcutting the Dem’s bench, didn’t he.

      • tarran

        RC! You are such a sexist, that I can’t even!!!

        How dare you deny Hillary Clinton credit for her life’s work!!!!!!

      • straffinrun

        Because he wasn’t formally announced. There’s a good chance for team blue to take it in 2020 if they don’t tear themselves apart first. The far left wing of that party is big time into purity tests. Joe’s going to fail that.

      • Urthona

        Not so sure. If you look at activists and far left democrats he’s been their priority to take down the whole time and have even admitted it. They’re the ones who got press for the touchy feels stuff. Conservatives pointing this stuff out for years were ignored.

        But his support is unwavering. I think people will simply flatly ignore the far left and nominate Biden. Not that he’s really not far left. He is. Just not overtly promising as much insane bullshit.

      • straffinrun

        Just remember this: Donald J. Trump is president. Something broke in 2016 and I’m not ready to trust the old political playbook anymore. I fully expect that what normally would happen, won’t.

      • Urthona

        I don’t know the distribution either, and it’s widely believed that there are secret trump supporters who don’t publicly want to admit because he’s an unpleasant fellow.

      • R C Dean

        there are secret trump supporters who don’t publicly want to admit because he’s an unpleasant fellow they don’t want to be assaulted, doxxed, abused on social media, harassed or fired.

      • R C Dean

        There’s a good chance for team blue to take it in 2020 if they don’t tear themselves apart first.

        Right now, I give Orange Man Bad an edge. The economy alone should make him a lock (assuming nothing bad happens) but the relentless DemOp propaganda on the economy may take the wind out of those electoral sails.

        I think the hysterical four year temper tantrum from the Dems will be a wash, mostly.

        What will change the dynamic is if Barr is serious about running down the wrongdoing in the FBI, DOJ, etc. around the spying on Trump and the attempt to entrap him. Looks like Mueller is going to appear before Congress. I hope asks him when he was reasonably certain there was no Russian collusion, and why he continued his investigation after that date.

      • Rhywun

        if Barr is serious about running down the wrongdoing in the FBI, DOJ, etc. around the spying on Trump and the attempt to entrap him

        Good point. With Biden the clear favorite, the GOP has everything to gain by digging deep.

      • OneOut

        I feel pretty good that it’s gonna happen.

        Not sure how high it will go though.

      • Michael

        I suspect that the far left wing is actually a tiny sliver of the Democrat base that makes themselves seem much larger than they really are thanks to social media. Biden will likely win the nomination, but his only chance against Trump is to hope and pray that the economy goes completely tits up sometime between now and 2020.

    • wdalasio

      I simply cannot believe, BTW, that Biden has a solid lead in the early polls.

      Really? It doesn’t surprise me in the least. Look the “crazy-assed, semi-communist” vote is split, what? Five, six ways? I suspect there’s still got to be a lot of Democrats who still want to Democrat, but will happily go along with a goofy mediocrity over the Woke Stasi. And, right now, Biden’s got a lock on them.

    • Rebel Scum

      He’s old, white, and rich. That’s a trifecta privilege that gleans electoral success according to leftist’s own premises.

  13. Scruffy Nerfherder

    A new character arrives….

    Yes!

    • Urthona

      The number of people defending Madura in that thread. Wow.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They’re not known for being that bright.

      • Urthona

        Whoops typo

      • R C Dean

        Its Madurx, shitlord.

      • Urthona

        Nice.

  14. R C Dean

    Welp, got to the office this morning and somebody saw me in my usual tie (a rather fetching red and blue medallion pattern) and said “Its May Day. No tie day!”.

    (1) Its the first I’ve heard that in my life.
    (2) I told them I won’t do anything to celebrate a communist holiday. They were dumbfounded, I suspect because they didn’t know May Day had been appropriated by the commies.

    • Rhywun

      I’ve never heard of that either.

      Also, ties are for interviews in my world. Thank God.

      • Urthona

        In my world not even that. I’m a video game developer and I showed up for my first job interview in a suit. They laughed at me.

      • Nephilium

        I can’t remember the last in person interview I had for a job. That would have to be 6-7 years ago at this point. Everything is just phone interviews now.

      • Urthona

        First interviews are almost always phone or Skype now.

      • Nephilium

        My current position the first through third interviews were all phone, and I’ve never met any of my managers. It’s also looking like instead of a work from home 1 day a week like I’m currently doing, it’ll be changing to a work from home 4 days a week come next month.

      • DEG

        A former boss of mine wanted to bring me into the company he had moved on to. I show up for the interview like I always do, wearing dress shirt, nice pants, and a tie.

        He took me out to lunch afterwards. He said at lunch, “You look like a freak wearing that tie. Take that fucking tie off!”

      • Rhywun

        Rub it in, hipster.

        In my career (enterprise developer – 19 years and 51 weeks at the same company!) we went from mandatory ties every day, to “casual Fridays”, to casual every day. But yeah, for interviews I will wear a tie. I don’t have suit so they’d better deal.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Ties are tools of the patriarchy and I refuse to wear them.

        Rumor is we are going to a casual dress code soon anyway. To wear jeans and an untucked shirt, not heaven I guess, but better than business casual.

      • pistoffnick

        I do my best work in the nude. ACCOMMODATE ME!

      • Rasilio

        I have told recruiters that my salary demands go up by $20,000 a year if I have to wear a tie on the job

      • R C Dean

        Ties are tools of the patriarchy and I refuse to which is why I wear them.

        Its like Shitlord 101, brah.

      • Lord Humungus

        I don’t even know how to tie a tie – and yes, I’m almost 50.

        I just never had a job wear I needed to wear one. I’m usually more casual than business casual.

        ::hides his collection of Armani t-shirts and jeans::

      • Lord Humungus

        *where

        that alzheimers is already beginning

      • ChipsnSalsa

        Burning a bunch of garbage on the streets. Do they not realize how bad that is for global warming climate change?

      • commodious spittoon

        DM’s website is admageddon.

      • Rhywun

        So it’s like any Saturday, just 3 days early.

      • Rebel Scum

        Black Bloc activists with their faces covered could be seen leading attacks on officers, and smashing up vehicles and shop fronts.

        “Just some fine people protesting hate and bigotry.” – Chris Cuomo

    • mexican sharpshooter

      The VA did that. For people working in the Directors office (like me), between May and September the tie was optional.

    • Naptown Bill

      We’re a casual office, but I usually go business casual. I don’t generally wear a suit, but I’ll wear a blazer or sport coat and odd slacks. Sometimes I go tie, sometimes no tie, depending on how I’m feeling. I stand out like a sore thumb, but I’d rather stand out for looking well-dressed than blend in because I look like a bum. Also, a handy side-effect I’ve noticed is that if I happen to go somewhere for happy hour after work it’s like I’m Tom Jones, son! I bring smelling salts with me to handle all the cases of the vapors that break out!

      • kinnath

        This is what I am wearing today.

  15. straffinrun

    Crooked Hillary. Crazy Bernie. If he makes it “Jizz’n Joe”, I’m voting for him.

    • Sean

      I thought it was Sleepy Joe.

      • straffinrun

        Yeah, it was. That was weak. He already had that for Carson.

      • SugarFree

        Go all out: Gropey Joe

      • R C Dean

        Yeah, I was hoping he would go for the jugular with Creepy Uncle Joe.

      • tarran

        Cheatin’ Joe would be going for the jugular.

      • straffinrun

        Strok’n Joe?

    • MikeS

      I hope he goes with “Handsy Joe” or similar. Keep his creepiness front and center

  16. Juvenile Bluster

    OT: A Baltimore cop was convicted for beating a teenaged suspect unnecessarily. The FOP, of course, is pissed.

    https://twitter.com/FOP3/status/1123331517269278720

    tl;dr: Something something, we’re above the law, something, make sure you do whatever it takes to go home safely to your family.

    • leon

      FOP is evil. I mean pure and simple, evil.

    • SugarFree

      The pic used to reply by No Joyman is totally on point.

      • straffinrun

        Posted on their page no less. Twitter is good for something after all.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      You’re an employee. Shut up.

    • leon

      Further this was a case bright by Internal Affairs not the beaten kid.

    • Naptown Bill

      Some really good replies.

      There’s a reason people hate police in Baltimore. The city PD has been and still is notoriously corrupt. I mean, look at the city government in general. Why would the cops be any different? Ed Norris, the former Chief under O’Malley, claims that the reason he was brought up on charges was because he started going after rampant corruption in the PD and pissed off people in the city government, including O’Malley.

    • Rebel Scum

      Brothers and sisters

      Creepy.

      • Rhywun

        I hate that shit.

  17. CPRM

    Okay! Everyone, meet MAMA!

    • MikeS

      She’s purty! Can I smell her?

      • Rhywun

        Only if you get too close.

      • DEG

        I said the same thing when I saw the picture.

    • SugarFree

      YES!

  18. wdalasio

    So, my company is going “open plan office”. And they had a set of mock-ups. I try to stay positive. But, what a shit-show this is going to turn out to be. Who got it in their head that small desks with little privacy and no storage space was a good idea for finance?

    • Nephilium

      People who get to keep their offices?

      • MikeS

        …AKA; assholes.

      • DEG

        They’re rampant.

    • Michael

      As someone that’s had to endure such an environment for six years, you have my deepest condolences. There are absolutely no positive benefits to the open office concept for anyone except management when they need to “right size” their employee count. Open offices suck syphilitic donkey dick.

      • Nephilium

        There is one situation (that I’m aware of) where something like that works. If it’s for a call center that needs to comply with some heavier regulatory/compliance hurdles. Some of the heavier ones include items like no paper on the desks, no pens/paper, etc. So just sitting anywhere works. No assigned seats means no personal effects, less chance of someone inadvertently breaking one of the rules.

      • leon

        My last job the CEO would force a “right-size” every year. Then, 6 months later when no projects were getting done there would be a rapid hiring Sprint. Then 6 months later restart the cycle.

        By the time I left (after 1.5 years), I had been at the company longer than half of the employees. A week after I quit the director of engineering and one of his team leads quit.

      • leon

        Oh and yes it was open office for the plebes

    • RAHeinlein

      Say goodbye to high job satisfaction ratings for quants…

    • Dr Mossy Lawn

      They are doing the same thing with us (moving us to a new location that is “open”).. and not pre-assigned. Lockers for your “stuff”. They gushed that millennials don’t want their own offices and space.

      My information from other sites in our org that transitioned indicates that groups set up “turf” and shame others that dare intrude on it. Sounds like they want to re-create a wonderful high school environment.

      With the worse commute, I will be upping the number of remote days each week.

      • Rhywun

        not pre-assigned

        That’s insane.

        I refuse to work in an “open office”. Luckily I’m out of work so I get to choose….

      • Dr Mossy Lawn

        They will issue everyone individual telephone headsets which you can keep in your locker. Since people don’t like sharing those..

    • Tundra

      Like Socialism, open plan offices are a terrible idea that simply won’t die.

    • Creosote Achilles

      Quit.

      No, seriously. Quit while you stay employed and look for another job then quit for real.

      At the brewery years ago, they started moving to this for finance and operations support folks. They tried to include IT in it. All of the top five performers went as a group to the CEO and told him if they moved us we’d all walk out. I, at least, was serious and I think the others were as well. We dodged the bullet. Those groups that didn’t, wound up having something like 70% turnover in the next 18 months.

      This is a cataclysmicly stupid thing for a company to do. Satisfaction and productivity all drop and turnover sky-rockets while having a harder time replacing people.

      If I could time travel I wouldn’t kill Hitler, I’d shoot the motherfuckers that first came up with this idea.

    • Lord Humungus

      I work in a “moderately” open office environment, last changed around sometime in the 90s. But I have a huge desk and only have to share one “cube area” with two other people. Headphones are a must for me since it’s the only way I can concentrate on programming or more difficult tasks. So I spent many hours listen to Spotify.

      Luckily the IT director has his own closed door office, and we also have a boardroom for meetings. And with only 12 people in the department, it isn’t that bad. Also working from home 1-2 days a week really helps.

    • Nephilium

      So… another schism? It’ll really come down to the Bishops and Cardinals. I figure the Catholic Church is just kind of coasting along on it’s massive coffers at this point anyways.

      But I’m supposed to be having dinner with a friend of mine who’s still Catholic soon, if you want, I’ll ask him about it.

      • Q Continuum

        I’d be interested to hear his thoughts. I have a couple of Catholic friends who are perpetually pissed off at Commie Pope and basically already hold the views outlined in this open letter. They think he was a “diversity hire” who doesn’t understand the Church and has no legitimacy.

      • Nephilium

        I’ll ask him. He’s a devout believer and has been as long as I’ve known him. Besides, it’s always funny when we watch people at tables near us when we start talking religion out in public.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        He’s bringing the success of Argentina to Rome.

    • wdalasio

      I’d heard about this story this morning. And I generally agree with you, although I’m not a Catholic, either. This is revealing a real split in the Catholic Church that, even looking at it as a business, isn’t good. At core, the problem seems to be Francis. I’ve noticed he’s really popular. With people who aren’t Catholic or even religious. The devout Catholics I’ve talked to seem to want to change the subject when his name comes up.

      The thing is that Francis seems very interested n trying to curry public favor. To the extent of watering down or evading the Church’s message. I suppose you could justify that if it was bringing people into the pews. But, it doesn’t seem to be doing that. After stabilizing in the mid-2000s, it seems to have begun declining again. My impression of the problem is that watering down or evading the Church’s message fundamentally undermines their brand. Whatever you think of Catholic doctrine, it’s historically been a coherent, consistent line of reasoning that could explain to you why they thought what they thought. That has some attraction. And “We’re nice and think everybody’s just a-okay and should all share!” doesn’t really do much to differentiate them from any of a dozen other secularizing faiths.

      • Rhywun

        Not only that but I keep hearing that the only growing faiths are the “hard-line” ones.

      • wdalasio

        That article is 4 years old, but the trend is the same.

        That’s not surprising. Looking at it from just a straight marketing perspective, you’ve got to realize something. There isn’t a universal expectation of church attendance anymore. That’s incredibly important. It means you’re not going to bring congregants into the pews by being less of a burden than the next guy. Because you know what’s even less burdensome? Sleeping in on Sunday morning and going out for a nice brunch. So, you’ve got to appeal to the market that actually wants to be at a church. You don’t do that by repeating the same bromides your market is going to hear at the local university or listening to NPR. You do that by offering them a vision of the transcendent.

      • wdalasio

        Well, yeah. A little bit of my analysis was based on that assumption. If not strictly “hard-line”, Catholicism at least had the doctrinal coherence and structure that would make it compatible.

    • The Other Kevin

      I am still a practicing Catholic. I’m not sure this will go anywhere. The people who wrote the letter are “scholars”, but they are not currently Cardinals or Bishops who could enforce anything.

      A lot of my fellow Catholics do like him, he is charismatic and “modern”. But I also think that how he goes forward handling the latest sex abuse scandals will be really important.

  19. Q Continuum

    On topic: “Make America Moral Again” seems like a MAJOR tactical error. You’re blatantly copying Trump’s (successful) slogan with a second rate, church-lady-ish, spin. The mockery is just too easy. Also… moral? Really? You think the party’s embrace of ultra-late term abortion, gender swapping and rejection of religion (other than Islam) is going to appeal to the people who vote on “morality”? Gimme some of what you’re smoking cause it must be damn good.

    • wdalasio

      I’d also add that Biden, of all people might want to be a little more reticent about morality, with his son working for the credit card industry while he was restricting bankruptcy rules and sitting on the board of a Ukrainian energy company while he was VP.

      • Lord Humungus

        All water under the bridge. The media complex goes “What?”

    • Suthenboy

      It is the least crazy thing that the D field has puked up so far. It’s the best they have.

      • R C Dean

        The thing is, he is still scrambling to embrace every nutbar idea the lunatic wing of the party has thrown up (likely to try to calm the #metoo waters after his long and creepy public career of grabbing and sniffing women and children). For a “moderate” candidate, that’s going to be a lot of baggage.

    • Lord Humungus

      Shit – Biden is such a dunce (and old) that it would a pretty static presidency – we could do A LOT worse than Biden. I wouldn’t exactly put him in the “go-getter” category; wanting to radically transform America. Provided the Republicans keep the Senate or take the house then I would expect a presidency (if Biden won) that would look closer to Obama’s second term, or even less so.

  20. Pine_Tree

    I think Biden’s actually the D most likely to do well against Trump, even with the “Creepy Uncle Joe” thing. The thing that makes me say that is what I’d call the “likeability” factor. Largely irrational, but it’s the gut thing some people get that roughly translates to “I like the idea of liking this guy/gal.” And as something subconscious, it can smother obvious quantifiable faults. If you look up presidential winners the past several times, I think it is a pretty good gauge.

    Think how terrible McCain and Romney were on that versus the blank slate Obama at the time. Bill Clinton versus anybody as a positive example. Hillary Clinton for another negative example. Speaking in big groups, you can kinda show that Trump won because of people who’d voted for Obama before coming over to his side, and a big part of that was how excrebly unlikeable Herself was.

    Joe doesn’t really have that same problem.

    • Q Continuum

      I agree that Biden has the best shot at winning… if he can make it through the primary with limited damage. The DNC is almost certainly going to rig it in his favor since they also realize he’s the most electable. However, he could take a *shitload* of friendly fire from the extra-chromosome wing of the party; and they’re the ones running the show on the ground. Biden is old, white, rich and insufficiently radical. To the Dem base, he’s a squish and I’m sure he’ll get ripped to shreds in the primary. Either that, or he’ll adopt such radical positions during the primary that it’ll hurt his electability in the general.

      He’s in a tough spot either way and Trump has over a year to trash him and his absurd slogan.

      • Rhywun

        He’s as empty a suit as Obama was. He’ll take any position the DNC wants him to.

    • robc

      I thought Clinton was the least likable of the 1992 seven dwarves. YMMV.

      • robc

        Tsongas, on the other hand, was too wonky, but he seemed like a decent guy you could have a conversation with.

      • Pine_Tree

        I had to go look up who they all were to remember…

        I’m still thinking the others came off (to me) as cold (pursed-lip wound-up and uncomfortable), while Clinton was warm (good ol’ boy smile and eyes) and it made the difference.

      • robc

        I watched the first debate and my comment was, “I don’t know who will win, but it won’t be that governor from Arkansas. He is complete scum.”

        I knew nothing about him at the time, he just came off the wrong way.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That’s funny, I called his win after that debate (for the same reasons)

      • Juvenile Bluster

        One of my major historical “what ifs” is if Mario Cuomo had decided to run. He likely wins the nomination, which means no Clinton dynasty, which changes every single election since.

      • Rhywun

        President Andrew Cuomo

        *shudder*

      • Rasilio

        The last major party candidate I cast a vote for

    • Chipwooder

      Biden is a terrible campaigner, though. It wasn’t a big deal in ’08 and ’12 because he was the VP and thus not expected to do a whole lot but, when he’s the one front and center all the time, he’s going to start saying some incredibly dumb things.

      • Suthenboy

        I have already starting popping the corn. The debates are going to be hilarious.

  21. Not Adahn

    There is such a deft cruelty cruelty to this one. Like a particularly bitchy session of the Algonquin Roundtable or maybe the court of Louis XIV.

    Very well done.

  22. Rebel Scum

    Make America Moral Again

    *Adds ‘moral’ to list of words that no longer have meaning*

  23. Q Continuum

    RE: Buttgag.

    I think we need an Urban Dictionary definition of this.

    Suggestions?

    • Private Chipperbot

      A non-penetrating butt plug?

      • SugarFree

        Yes. A ball gag for the buttal area.

  24. Tundra

    She ignored the question and turned, walking off the bus. Joe darted forward to smell her hair. Lilacs. Musk. Frangipani.

    Glorious.

  25. Scruffy Nerfherder

    “On Easter, Williams tweeted that “Whiteness is terrorism.”

    “All self-identified white people (no exceptions) are invested in and collude with systemic white racism/white supremacy,” he also said.”

    https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2019/05/01/trinity-college-sociologist-who-studies-whiteness-again-trouble-his-comments-about

    If I take him at his word, and I do think he’s serious, what is the argument against white people taking terroristic actions? If all white people are prejudged with no redemption, then what did he think is the motivator for not executing the black population?

    It’s a dead end philosophy, literally.

    • Suthenboy

      Dead end philosophy from a crazy man. What a surprise. Not to worry though, the guy is only molding young mushy heads.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I think I’m going to start a blackness studies program staffed by whites. We will delve into black culture and pass judgement on them collectively.

    • R C Dean

      Williams also said that his tweet about whiteness has been “misconstrued” by many to mean white people.

      Gee, I can’t imagine how that could happen.

    • Rebel Scum

      Do you know who else accused people of things because of their skin pigment?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Mueller, the guy who let innocents rot in prison to protect FBI sources, yeah that guy is totes honorable.

      • Lord Humungus

        Mueller is a piece of shit DC swamp creature. A dishonorable bureaucratic cretin. But I repeat myself.

      • R C Dean

        “So, Mr. Mueller, you were charged with investigating any matters that may arise directly from the investigation of links and/or coordination between the Russian government and the Trump campaign.

        Would you say that the Steele dossier was a matter directly involved in that investigation? Would the provenance and payment for that dossier not be a matter arising directly from the investigation? Why didn’t you investigate that?

        Would the reasons why various people approached Trump campaign staff to offer assistance directly or indirectly from the Russian government not be a matter arising directly from your investigation? Why didn’t you investigate that?

        The media made a number of reports that could well have been based on leaks from your investigation. Please describe for the committee how you responded to those reports, what investigations you made to determine whether they were, in fact leaked by your staff, and what action you took.”

        Give me a couple of days to prepare, and put him under oath, and I would gut him like a fish. Like all DC swamp creatures, he vastly overestimates his abilities and has gotten lazy due to the lack of any consequences.

      • Chipwooder

        And who drove an innocent man to suicide, after first harassing an entirely different innocent man, in the anthrax case

    • wdalasio

      I really don’t get it. Is he now saying he’s a Mueller fan?

  26. Plinker762

    I laughed at the matron grope blocking and “tepid roar”