The Cap and The Wig: Act CXXIV

by | Jun 19, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 233 comments

 

THE TRAGEDY OF GOODE KING DONALD

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

King Donald
Embattled Ruler of a Western Land

The Royal Cap
The King’s Advisor

The Royal Wig
Cachier-de-Honte, Gentleman of the Bedchamber

The Moustache of Lord Bolton
Base-Born Lip Broome that Protects the Realm, Special Advisor to The King

Lord Bidon
Duke of Trans Amia, Designated Heir to the Moorish King, now Deposed

The Dowager Elspeth
Beldam Noble of Massachusetts, Purported Autochthon and Economic Illiterate

The Crier
Graduate of the Columbia School of Journalism

 

Act CXXIV. Scene I.

 

Crier
A foul woe comes to our fair Washington
Sarah is out, plump Sarah is leaving
King Donald sends birdsong of condolence

ENTER BIDON and ELSPETH

Lord Bidon
Sarah of Sanders? Gone? Impossible.

The Dowager Elspeth
Do thee doubt thine own ears or do you doubt
Yon stout and simple crier of the news?

Lord Bidon
You do wound me crone, you know I traffick
……….not in fake crier.

The Dowager Elspeth
Then quiet thy tongue and prick up thy ears
For there is opportunity for those
Who despise the king and seek his bald head
To mount on the city gates till it rot

Lord Bidon
Let not treason darken thy withered lips
The king’s supporters are all about us
Listening at every keyhole and crack
They are everywhere, I say and many

The Dowager Elspeth
As are his enemies numerous
A score and five they are, poised to debate
……….and depose the king.

ELSPETH spits on the ground

Lord Bidon
Away crone, we must away, midnight comes
The witching hour is where conspiracies
Such as ours take root to bloom in the morn

The Dowager Elspeth
Let us bury ours in richest night soil
And poison what well of kindness is left
For our white-eyed buffoon King to drink from

EXIT BIDON and ELSPETH

SCENE

 

Act CXXIV. Scene II.

 

THE COURT OF KIND DONALD

THE ROYAL CAP and HIS ROYAL WIG sit upon the King’s escritoire

The Royal Cap
……….Pie, beloved Pie,
I never got to plunder thy gentle
Rolling meat hills or get a bill-job from
Thy whore mouth or gaze in thy lazy eye

The Royal Wig
Are thee drunk or hast thou again embraced
Morpheus–The King of Dreams–like a bee
……….to junkie nectar?
Thou hast ever scorned the woman zaftig,
The woman MILF’d, or butter’d of face
And Sarah is all three, engulfed in tights
Like a sausage left in the sun to bloat
Under attentions of a million flies

The Royal Cap
She has served Donald well, faithful against
The faithless, confronting newe media
……….And olde print alike
I desire her body ’cause I admire
Her mind, that organ so thirsty to drink
The loving abuse of our shared master

The Royal Wig
I had thought that no man was your master

The Royal Cap
Twist not my words, my good sir, lest you find
Your gold hairs corn-rowed by the next bright morn
Permed in the hot rays of the sun at noon
And afrotated by inky nightfall
Donald and I are master and servant
……….when it pleases me
Servant and master when it does serve me
……….for him to think it
Ever am I perched on his pate and mind
Rider to his mount, reins ever in hand

The Royal Wig
Hark, Hat! Hither comes thy horse and carriage
And another that rides and is ridden

ENTER KING DONALD and THE MOUSTACHE OF LORD BOLTON

The Moustache of Lord Bolton
We must kill them all, my King, all of them
We must rend and tear, beat back the Moslems
And save the Kingdom of the Useful Jews
Iran must wane, the Oil Straits must flow free
War has always been the health of the state
and I want to get erect once again

King Donald
All the concerns of Mullahs and Tankers
Pale before the departure of my Pie
Who shall speak for me? You? The Hat? The Hair?
I cannot face criers and their fake news
Pie, I scream at night, Pie, I cry by day
Soft Sweet Sarah with her bescarred belly

The Moustache of Lord Bolton
The election is hard upon us, King
None of your wan enemies can withstand
They are lily-livered and pale-bellied
And quail before the slightest sword rattle
Come, my King, I say we should cry havoc
And so let slip the mustaches of war!

The Royal Wig
Begone foul face moss, back to thy chambers
Where dwell victim screams and horrors undimm’d

The Royal Cap
Where chains do clank and hungry fetters gape
Back, silver-grey war ghoul, back to your lair

THE MOUSTACHE exits crying

King Donald
Oh, who will replace my most precious Pie
Where can I find another plum dessert
……….that can lie and smile?

THUNDER crashes in the distance

HOUSE LIGHTS fall

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

233 Comments

  1. robc

    Fuck iambic pentameter.

    Note: I didnt check the actual meter of SF’s writing before making this comment.

    Or rarely read normal H&Hs, I sure aint reading this one.

    • robc

      Okay, I read it.

      Huh.

    • Caput Lupinum

      What’s wrong with iambic pentameter? Do you not like the shape or measure of the feet, or do you dislike metered purpose entirely?

      • Gustave Lytton

        I read that as lambic pentameter. Drunk poeting?

  2. Sean

    *rises to applaud*

    This made my day, SF.

    Rolling meat hills

    LOL

    • Rhywun

      Hear, hear, I say!

      • Swiss Servator

        Pie, beloved Pie,
        I never got to plunder thy gentle
        Rolling meat hills

        ‘pplaud. Applaud, thou lucky witnesses
        To the words of Sugarfree.
        Applaud until they hands are as swole
        as Warty’s musculature!

      • Ozymandias

        ‘Tis with a tear tripping down my cheek that I add my swole-breasted applause to our Scribe’s work. O, SugarFree, what hast thou paid to the Muse for such inspiration that issues forth such limpid prose? Alack, I reveal my shameful envy. I leave with humble thanks, Sainted Scrivener of the Glibos.

  3. tarran

    War has always been the health of the state
    and I want to get erect once again

    Genius.

    • Fatty Bolger

      That was my favorite part.

  4. Q Continuum

    I wish I had SF’s skillz.

    • Caput Lupinum

      I can’t begin to imagine tre horrors you’d dredge up if your skills in procuring images of the scantily clad were merged with the reality altering abilities of sugarfree; it would be like photo realistic Junji Ito.

      • Q Continuum

        Only the strong survive.

      • Caput Lupinum

        Blessed are the weak.

  5. commodious spittoon

    butter’d of face

    Sold.

    • Q Continuum

      Who’s the better lay in general: butterface or moped?

      • Tundra

        Any port in a storm, Q.

      • commodious spittoon

        Have had fun with both, but would take butterface over moped. Moped got clingy.

  6. Tundra

    Wow.

    That might be your best one yet.

    • antisthenes

      Agreed.

  7. The Late P Brooks

    And another that rides and is ridden

    Bravo!

  8. The Late P Brooks

    Like a sausage left in the sun to bloat
    Under attentions of a million flies

    What *am* I going to have for breakfast?

    • Fatty Bolger

      Death of a Censor, soon to be a major motion picture.

    • Hyperion

      “The 800 or so workers there face relentless pressure from their bosses to ______”

      Just fill in the blank. You might need more underscores. Exactly what do they think a job IS?

      Then again, I guess the Democrats wanting to guarantee everyone a job, means they want to kill everyone?

      • UnCivilServant

        “show up.”

        What do you mean I have to be at the office?!

      • Hyperion

        That’s practically murder right there… wait, I work in Baltimore, so it could be.

      • Ted S.

        “The 800 or so workers there face relentless pressure from their bosses to ______”

        [Match Game think music plays in background]

      • Rhywun

        Flash their bazooms, Gene.

    • Rhywun

      “WE WERE BODIES IN SEATS,” ONE FORMER MODERATOR TOLD ME

      And this is different from every other job how…?

      • Caput Lupinum

        Some people don’t work in offices and have expend actual physical work at their jobs?

      • UnCivilServant

        That’s crazy talk.

        Next you’ll say that there are people who actually… make things!

      • Rhywun

        Yeah but most people still work for THE MAN.

      • Nephilium

        Well, damn the man Joe. Damn the man.

    • commodious spittoon

      Utley was pronounced dead a short while later at the hospital, the victim of a heart attack. Further information about his health history, or the circumstances of his death, could not be learned.

      “Man dies of heart attack while at work.”

      To hell with Facebook and all, but that is some piss-poor reporting.

      • Rhywun

        It’s not “reporting”. It’s evangelizing.

      • commodious spittoon

        That is some piss-poor journalisming.

      • Democratic Hitler

        And it’s shitty writing to boot. “could not be learned” JFC

    • Q Continuum

      Granted, it sounds like a miserable job; I would much rather mop floors than do that.

      But these people can quit anytime they want. The job market is the best it’s been in my lifetime. Go do something else for cripes sake.

    • Chipwooder

      Go lay asphalt in Louisiana in the summer and then come crying to me about your job. I might sympathize then.

  9. UnCivilServant

    I love this headline: Tens of People Show Up at Impeach Trump Rallies

    The protest effort to support impeachment of Trump is going swimmingly. A whole 15ish people showed up outside of the White House this past weekend to encourage impeachment of the president.

    • commodious spittoon

      Invisible Day of Action amiright

    • Hyperion

      It’s a mandate!

    • Suthenboy

      Ever notice when there is a bust for some kind of sexual perversion and mug shots are published you take one look at the guys and your intuition tells you…”Yep. I can see that.”? They always have…that look, I don’t know quite how to put it.

      The same seems to be true of protesters. I cant quite put my finger on it but they look like people who desperately need a purpose. They are misfits. That’s what I am seeing in those tens of people.

      *I lost my copy of The True Believer*

      • Old Man With Candy

        Email SP your address and we’ll gift you a new copy.

      • Chipwooder

        I just don’t see the Prince of Darkness wearing that much bling.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    Who’s the better lay in general: butterface or moped?

    If butterface connotes “great body, less-than-beautiful face” I’ll take one.

    • Democratic Hitler

      I believe the genesis of the expression is “everything is great but her face”. So yes.

  11. R C Dean

    Most excellent, good scribe.

  12. Hyperion

    I don’t know… but I was just having a premonition that there was going to be a SF article… and lo and behold! I’m a prophet. If only I could use it for profit. The Prophet of Profit, I could enjoy that.

    • UnCivilServant

      It’s wednesday. He’s fairly reliably had something every wednesday for a while now. (Even if we ignore the coming attractions post at the end of last week)

      • Hyperion

        Stop! You’re ruining my grand delusions!

      • Fatty Bolger

        You’re fooling yourself.

      • Hyperion

        Well, I was born for adventure, women, whiskey and sin… or something…

      • Tundra

        Apparently you’re an angry young man.

      • Fatty Bolger

        ^^^ This guy gets it

      • Hyperion

        But the future looks quite bright to me. Despite living in Trumputistan.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    A whole 15ish people showed up outside of the White House this past weekend to encourage impeachment of the president.

    Only the bravest of the brave are willing to risk being hoovered up by the Trumpista Death Squad.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Well, they outdid your typical white supremacist rally, but just barely.

      • UnCivilServant

        The tour groups passing through the area outnumbered them by at least double per.

    • R C Dean

      Perfect.

    • Democratic Hitler

      That deserves to be promoted to comment 1.

      Also, your avatar gif is hilarious.

  14. Hyperion

    EPIC! That’s really good.

  15. Gustave Lytton

    A new body of work for the western cannon. And by western cannon, mean the large caliber device used to gain relief from SF’s writing by daylighting most of my cranial matter.

  16. Old Man With Candy

    Next we’ll find out that this was actually written by bacon magic.

    • Tundra

      No chance. He’s still celebrating.

      • Old Man With Candy

        Well, at least *someone* got it.

      • Tundra

        I still don’t.

        /toomanyconcussions

      • Swiss Servator

        Francis Bacon… some believe he actually was “William Shakespeare”.

      • Old Man With Candy

        Lighten up, Swiss.

        (maybe Tundra will get THAT slow pitch down the middle)

      • Tundra

        Huh. Never knew that. Thanks, Swissy.

      • Nephilium

        Wait… Swiss is Bacon Magic?

      • Mad Scientist

        Mmmmmm, bacon and swiss….

      • Swiss Servator

        No, but I have met bacon-magic!

    • Don Escaped Texas

      * stands to cheer *

      also brilliant

  17. l0b0t

    Absolutely brilliant, SF. Thank you for your madness.

  18. Spudalicious

    “Your gold hairs corn-rowed by the next bright morn
    Permed in the hot rays of the sun at noon
    And afrotated by inky nightfall”

    *sniff*

    • commodious spittoon

      Begone Bidon.

  19. Rebel Scum

    Where can I find another plum dessert
    ……….that can lie and smile?

    I know of a flamboyant fig of pernicious tongue and chiseled wit.

  20. kinnath

    Lord Bidon
    Duke of Trans Amia, Designated Heir to the Moorish King, now Deposed

    I was in awe before I ever got to the dialog.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Same.

  21. Q Continuum

    “There is a good chance your son or daughter will have spent much of his or her free time at college partying, which often means getting drunk, smoking marijuana and hooking up with someone for casual sex.”

    I would certainly hope so! Why else would they bother going?

    https://pjmedia.com/news-and-politics/did-your-child-return-from-college-a-better-person/

    Yootz like to get high and fuck. More news at 11. The bigger question: did they actually learn anything useful? Did their mind expand? Did they gain marketable skills? The answer probably depends on how intelligent the kid was to start with and what they studied. However, I would say that much of the time the answer to those questions is “no”. That’s why higher ed is in trouble, not because yootz are behaving exactly the same way they always have.

    Drinking and having sex is completely irrelevant to outcome (unless of course you have a son who gets #metoo’d).

    • kinnath

      “getting drunk, smoking marijuana and hooking up with someone for casual sex.”

      We’re talking about the 60s right?

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      Drinking and having sex is completely irrelevant to outcome

      Meh, I found that people who reined in the drinking and the fucking did better than those who were going out 4 nights a week. Doesn’t mean you have to be anhedonic, but like my dad used to say, you’re there to learn, not to party.

      • commodious spittoon

        OTOH you’re never going to have access to college-age women than when you’re in college.

      • R C Dean

        Two words, my friend:

        Internship.

        Program.

        We are currently in the process of educating a naive young college graduate in why she actually never wants to go into either law or healthcare as a career.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        You’re going to scare her into insurance.

      • Rasilio

        Showing her the benefits of a career in the entertainment industry?

      • Q Continuum

        Agreed that learning should take priority, but if you can be drunkenly promiscuous without your grades suffering then why wouldn’t you?

      • Certified Public Asshat

        It’s really not even that hard to keep your grades up. Class is what, 3 hours a day in college? Spend another 3 doing work outside of class and you haven’t even hit a full 8 hours of work.

      • Chipwooder

        I look at it this way – I put as little effort into college as possible, and I still graduated. Sure, with an unimpressive 2.7 GPA, but even moderate effort would have gotten me a 3.0+.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Some can pull that off, sure. Nobody I knew could. You were essentially trading a few tenths of GPA for each extra night of weekly partying over 2.

        I’ll add that on a personal level, college as Rumspringa weirds me out. If you’re a hedonist, live like a hedonist. If you’re not, don’t. The cultural expectation of going wild for 4-6 years and then settling down and becoming a boring white-bread responsible adult is stupid and, IMO, a bit creepy.

      • DEG

        college as Rumspringa

        The Amish don’t spend that much enjoying the world during Rumspringa.

      • R C Dean

        The cultural expectation of going wild for 4-6 years

        I thought it was more “live life as a non-Amish for a few years”. I don’t think its required that you get tatts, a couple of STDs, and liver damage.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I thought it was more “live life as a non-Amish for a few years”.

        Amish:Rumspringa::Modern Western culture:College

      • mexican sharpshooter

        This. Most people that chose to party the entire time burned out their freshmen year.

      • Rhywun

        “As a religious person, I’m worried my opinions may be suppressed in a college classroom environment,” […] “I want people to understand that just because I don’t agree with someone’s lifestyle doesn’t make my worldview less valid and it doesn’t mean I don’t still care about them as a person.”

        Yeah sure, hater. Who do you hate, hater?

      • jesse.in.mb

        I like that the article is ostensibly about these two reports, which are neutrally about “minority opinions” but closed it out with a quote from a random anonymous freshman who parrots CR’s raison d’être to lead casual readers to the conclusion that Christianity is the “minority opinion” that the two reports are referring to.

        Classy.

    • DEG

      Free time during my undergrad? Huh. I did have a little. Only a little. I had to actually work in school and also hold down a job (admittedly part-time but my major required actual work) to help pay for the bills. I remember getting drunk sometimes, but that was actually pretty rare.

    • Democratic Hitler

      Did they gain marketable skills?

      Trick question. The paper itself is marketable, I think probably enough to justify the ROI even if you didn’t really gain much in the way of useful skills.

      Obviously, if you actually do gain useful skills you’ll most likely achieve far greater ROI.

  22. Lord Humungus

    >>Elspeth

    Does EF know you have besmirched her goodly name?

    • Old Man With Candy

      SUE.

      (not her real name)

      • Lord Humungus

        Don’t get her dander up. She hands out injunctions like well… candy.

  23. mexican sharpshooter

    Lo, where the begotten Pie, who doth return to the lands of Clinton….

    Screw it, I can’t do this. *slow clap*

  24. Rebel Scum

    AOC Goes Full AOC

    Shapely dimwit Alexandria Occasional-Cortex is very upset that the Holocaust has come to America in the form of arresting people for breaking the law. The adorable and did I mention shapely little nincompoop took to one of those social media thingumbobs to decry the fact that illegal aliens were being held in detention camps instead of being released so they could illegally vote for Democrats.

    Speaking of the detention camp system set up under President Clinton and expanded under President Obama, the curvaceous dunderhead declared—and this is a real quote: “The United States is running concentration camps on our southern border. And if that doesn’t bother you I don’t, I, like, we can have, okay, whatever, I want to talk to the people that are concerned enough with humanity to say that we should not, that ‘never again’ means something.”

    The video received hundreds and hundreds of heart symbols from admirers who were either listening very carefully to what the congresswoman was saying or perhaps thinking of something else entirely.

    Now some people might say that arresting and detaining illegal aliens for breaking the law is not really exactly the same as slaughtering millions of innocent citizens because of their race, but that would be telling the truth and none of the people who would do that work for the magazine Esquire, which combed the alleys and byways of the underbelly of America and discovered someone who calls himself a concentration camp expert. The expert confirmed to Esquire that, yes, the Clinton-Obama camps were indeed concentration camps and therefore AOC’s comment comparing the arrest of lawbreakers with the slaughter of Jews was not as degrading, disgusting, ignorant and putrid as it might sound to someone with actual knowledge.

    In her video, Occasional-Cortex went on to say Trump was conducting “an authoritarian and fascist presidency.” And she added: “I don’t use those words lightly. I use them because I have no idea what I’m talking about.”

    • Tundra

      I like ‘shapely dimwit’.

      • R C Dean

        Me, too. She’s got a nice bod, no question.

    • Lord Humungus

      shapely? ::thinks about googling body pics of her… thinks better of it::

      • Rhywun

        Someone posted a college-era snapshot – IIRC the adjective is appropriate.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        I often say “we were all 20 once”

      • mexican sharpshooter

        She is easy on the eyes, I’ll give her that.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        My avatar just winked at you.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        hawt

      • Heroic Mulatto

        No one would describe her as “dummy thicc”.

      • Q Continuum

        Even with the tits, and absent the stupidity and logorrhea, she’s not my traditional type.

        Not saying I wouldn’t take a run at her all things being equal though.

      • The Last American Hero

        All things being equal? That’s what the Democratic Socialists claim to want.

    • Q Continuum

      “decry the fact that illegal aliens were being held in detention camps instead of being released so they could illegally vote for Democrats”

      LOL

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      AOC isn’t stupid. She appeals to a specific group of stupid people with her stupid rhetoric but she knows exactly what she’s doing.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m not so sure. I’m sure her handlers know what they’re doing, but she loses in a battle of wits to a box of rocks.

      • Q Continuum

        I’d say her handlers know what they’re doing; much like Obama’s did (he was an intellectual lightweight too, no matter how much the MSM tried to beatify him). But the point is well taken.

      • UnCivilServant

        I find our confluence of cognition disturbing.

      • Q Continuum

        Oh shit, I’m thinking like UCS!

        To the ECT room!

      • Swiss Servator

        CITIZEN! REPORT TO THE NEAREST DISINTEGRATION CHAMBER.

      • Old Man With Candy

        AOC isn’t stupid.

        Yes, she is. I’ve heard her speak. She’d have to work hard to reach as high as “mildly retarded.”

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        Nope

      • R C Dean

        AOC isn’t stupid.

        I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt on that, but no, I think she’s really not very bright at all.

    • DEG

      An AOC video which is not a sex video? I’m not interested.

  25. Fourscore

    Though I didn’t comprehend the nuances of the genre I did understand the words. Brilliant, a masterpiece, that should be available at every polling place across flyover country. YMMV in blue areas.

  26. DEG

    Lord Bidon
    Duke of Trans Amia,

    I started reading. I saw this. I laughed. I think I will like this installment.

    • DEG

      The Crier
      Graduate of the Columbia School of Journalism

      And another good one.

      • DEG

        I’m finished. Very good!

  27. Rebel Scum

    She has to be a GOP/Trump plant.

    Her remarks on increasing the Congressional salary from $174,000 to $178,900, as a cost of living increase, in their entirety, verbatim:

    There’s so much pressure to turn to lobbying firms and to cash in on members’ service after people leave, because of precisely of this issue. So it may be politically convenient and it may make you look good in the short term, for saying ‘oh, we’re not voting for pay increases,’ but we should be fighting for pay increases for every American worker. We should be fighting for a fifteen dollar minimum wage pegged to inflation so that everybody in the United States with a salary, with a wage gets a cost-of-living increase. Members of Congress, retail workers, everybody should get cost-of-living increases to account for the changes in our economy, and then when we don’t do that, it only increases the pressure on members to exploit loopholes like insider trading loopholes to make it on the backend…

    That’s my issue, is that it’s superficial. You can vote against pay increases all you want. It’s – in my opinion, voting against a pay – it’s not even like a raise, it’s a cost of living adjustment. So, you can vote against a cost of living adjustment all you want, and it’ll look good on its surface, but it will – every cost of living adjustment that, that gets bypassed, is voting to increase the pressure to exploit loopholes and legal loopholes to kind of lean on other ways to enrich oneself from service. And so my whole side of it is like, it may not be optics, it may not be great optics, it may not, like, look the best in terms of your opponents could use it, exploit it as a political issue. But in substance, you might as well be transparent about a cost of living increase, fight for a cost of living increase for all American workers, peg them to a minimum wage to a cost of living increase, and then on top of it, close all of the loopholes that a lot of people use when it comes to, you know, sitting on a committee and knowing what legislation may be coming down the, the loophole and changing your stock holdings, or letting — you know these are real issues, and I don’t think that voting against a cost of living increase is going to negate the actual issues at hand. In fact, I think it only increases the pressure.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      That would assume somebody on team red is smart enough to create a plant.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        That rules it out then, especially with Bannon gone.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Good lord.

    • Rhywun

      The pension stuff at the end makes me way angrier than this piddling raise. 5 years of “service” and you get $174,000 a year from the age of 62 on? That is an outrage.

      • Rhywun

        Upon 2nd reading maybe they don’t get the full $174K? Hard to tell. It’s always couched in “based on such-and-such” language in order to hide the actual amount.

        Still outrageous.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        Yes, that’s been running around the internet since there’s been an internet. They pretty much get what all federal employees get through FERS

      • Democratic Hitler

        *Any* pension at all is completely outrageous. They should be on self-funded retirement plans just like the rest of us.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        I don’t think it works that way. They get a full pension at 62, but that doesn’t mean they get the full $174k.

        The formula is:

        (Average High-3 Salary x .010 x Years of Service through 20 years)+(High-3 Salary x .011 x Years of Service over 20)

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congressional_pension

      • UnCivilServant

        Congresscritter isn’t supposed to be a career, it should not come with a pension.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Hear, hear.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        It shouldn’t even be a full time job.

    • The Other Kevin

      “Everybody should be getting a raise. Me first.”

    • Mad Scientist

      She can barely string a coherent sentence together. She has one of the most jumbled, incoherent thought processes I’ve ever encountered.

    • The Other Kevin

      I like how fast she goes from “Just last week I was a poor bartender making less than minimum wage” to “$4900 is NBD.”

    • Certified Public Asshat

      every cost of living adjustment that, that gets bypassed, is voting to increase the pressure to exploit loopholes and legal loopholes to kind of lean on other ways to enrich oneself from service.

      She’s going to be one hell of a crooked politician if she is already cracking after less than 6 months.

      • Rhywun

        Yeah, that line gave me pause. I can see Nancy tugging her aside after the event and hoarse-whispering to her to stop giving the accurate impression that “service” is all about enriching yourself.

    • Mad Scientist

      Members of Congress, retail workers, everybody should get cost-of-living increases to account for the changes in our economy…

      I’d really like to know where she thinks money comes from.

      • Sean

        Duh, banks.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Specifically, ATM’s.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        A printer?

      • Chipwooder

        ATMs just spit bills out. All they need to do is install more ATMs and there will be no more shortages of funds.

      • Chipwooder

        That should have been a reply to DH. Yup, Brooks’d

    • R C Dean

      I don’t see how anyone can read that and conclude “That person is pretty smart.”

      • Mad Scientist

        They don’t conclude it. They simply insist it.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    AOC isn’t stupid. She appeals to a specific group of stupid people with her stupid rhetoric but she knows exactly what she’s doing.

    I find this credible. She was also paying close attention to the people who “briefed” her on political fundraising.

    • Rhywun

      As far as I can tell that “briefing” consisted of lying through her teeth about being “people-funded, not corporate”.

      • Mad Scientist

        Perhaps we can convince her to concede that corporations are just groups of people.

      • Rhywun

        And that shady super-PACs are corporations.

  29. Democratic Hitler

    The Crier
    Graduate of the Columbia School of Journalism

    Dead.

    The woman MILF’d, or butter’d of face

    Fucking d-e-a-d.

    You really are a god-damn evil genius.

    *EDIT FAIRY BLESSES YOU*

    • Democratic Hitler

      Tag fail, sorry, but you get the idea.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Thank you edit faerie.

    • DEG

      Wait, I thought Warty already had a kid?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        That one has yet to prove worthy of a name by lifting a car.

      • DEG

        Ah, I see.

        Warty being Kzin might explain a few things.

      • Timeloose

        Man of Steel Woman of Kleenex?

      • DEG

        That’s a good one.

      • Timeloose

        That was a short story by Lary Niven. I can’t take credit for it

      • DEG

        I’ve known about it for a long time, I thought I’d link to it but that might be stealing your thunder.

      • Timeloose

        an excerpt:

        Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.

        Superman would literally crush LL’s body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.

        IV
        Lastly, he’d blow off the top of her head.

        Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El’s semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy’s puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)

        In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.

        Artificial insemination may give us better results.

      • Rhywun

        Maybe that IS Warty’s kid. ?

  30. Stinky Wizzleteats

    I’m sure Vladimir can convince them. Maybe he can send up some hot Slavic space hookers to collect the sample or something.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Well damn…

  31. The Late P Brooks

    Perhaps we can convince her to concede that corporations are just groups of people.

    Whatever you say, Mitt-bot.

  32. The Late P Brooks

    If Congrexxertz were paid ten million dollars per year, with a 100% pension, they wouldn’t need to grovel and scrape to teh dread kkkorporate interests. They would be free to destroy our freedoms for sheer love of sport.

    • Democratic Hitler

      They would be free to destroy our freedoms for sheer love of sport.

      Heh.

  33. Rebel Scum

    Pay up, whitey.

    “The role of the federal government in supporting the institution of slavery and subsequent discrimination directed against blacks is an injustice that must be formally acknowledged and addressed,” Jackson-Lee said.

    “I just simply ask: Why not and why not now?” she said.

    Sen. Cory Booker, D-N.J., who is running for president and has introduced a version of Jackson-Lee’s bill in the Senate, said it is wrong to present the issue as one American writing a check for another, and called on lawmakers to deal with what he said is continued racism in America.

    Citing racial disparities on issues such as health and education, he said America has a criminal justice system “that is indeed a form of new Jim Crow.”

    “And so we as a nation have not yet truly acknowledged and grappled with racism and white supremacy that has tainted this country’s founding and continues to persist in those deep racial disparities and inequalities today,” he said.

    Because requiring, at gunpoint, people who never owned slaves to give money to people who were never enslaved is totally justified.

    • The Other Kevin

      No, no, no, that money just comes out of the federal coffers!

    • Chipwooder

      Sen. Cory Booker, D-N.J., who is running for president and has introduced a version of Jackson-Lee’s bill in the Senate, said it is wrong to present the issue as one American writing a check for another

      Oh? Care to explain why?

    • R C Dean

      The role of the federal government in supporting the institution of slavery

      I swear, I thought the federal government killed hundreds of thousands and forcibly occupied a big chunk of the country to get rid of slavery.

      • Ozymandias

        And it was predominantly white guys who went to their deaths to get rid of slavery. What does that do to the calculus? What if you’re the descendant of someone who fought in the Union Army- do you get a discount?

        Or are we going to pretend that if a Union soldier had been told before he marched off to his possible death (or even worse, horrific wounding and treatment on the battlefield), that his descendants would have to pay reparations for slavery – that he would have said, “Oh, yes, excellent! Sign me up to fight slavery so my progeny can have to pay money for it later, in addition to the blood I’m offering!”

        I seriously wonder how many would have still gone if that were known as a possibility? I know that if someone asked me a similar hypo about my service in a variety of locations in the “most recent unpleasantness,” it would change my tune.

    • kinnath

      I do a pretty good job of keeping the n-word out of my brain. But I have to work really hard to keep it from spilling out of my mouth when I read about reparations.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I too wish they’d stop nagging us about it.

      • Rebel Scum

        They wouldn’t have to nag if you weren’t such a niggard.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Great episode, apologizing to Jesse Jackson was also a high point.

    • Don Escaped Texas

      I continue to harbor a frivolously selfish tolerance for this idea:
      a/ I live in an area that will see a nationally disproportionate share of the distributions
      b/ I expect to accrue over, say, three or five years, so much more than my share of the surge of local, diluted dollars as to outstrip the elasticity/inflation effects nationally
      c/ All the #slavery arguments will be disposed of once and for all
      This is simply a plan to shut up some nonsense and make me rich at the expense of New Hampshire and Idaho.

      • Rhywun

        All the #slavery arguments will be disposed of once and for all

        No they won’t.

      • Ted S.

        c/ All the #slavery arguments will be disposed of once and for all

        AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

        [takes deep breath]

        AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

        Sorry, but I can’t stop laughing at that idea.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        * curtsies *

      • R C Dean

        Beat me to it.

        While I can certainly appreciate the Don’s underpants gnome approach to untold riches through reparations, the idea that it will shut down the bitching about slavery is ludicrous.

        While I am quite confident that, after 150 years, there are no former slaves or slaveowners still alive, and no sons or daughters of slaves or slave owners still alive, I would be curious to know if there are any grandchildren of slaves or slaveowners still alive, or if the closest we still have is great-grandchildren.

      • Winston

        no sons or daughters of slaves or slave owners still alive

        Is that true? Someone born in 1864 might have had kids in his 70s or 80s that would likely still be alive.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        A guy I work with in his late 40s had a grandfather born in 1863 who had a kid way late (his father) who also had a kid way late (him).

      • R C Dean

        Well, nobody born is 1864 would have been a slave owner, even if their parents were.

        It is possible, I suppose, that a slave born in 1864 might have surviving children.

        I think that it is probably the case that we have grandchildren still alive, now that I think about it. I wonder how many?

      • Don Escaped Texas

        chrissakes: it’s so obviously not correct, a throwaway line for laughs

        FWIW: I was a minority in the county I was born in; no one is more sure than I of a certain thing that will never change

    • Q Continuum

      So where do Asians and Hispanics fit into this scheme? What about mixed breeds? Would a half-black, half-white person have to pay himself? Would the right hand pay the left hand or vice versa. This is so stupid as to merit only ridicule.

      Nothing but red meat for the extra chromosome segment of their base (which appears to be growing by the day).

      • Rhywun

        Oh shut up already and just hand Sheila a few mil to study the issue.

      • Winston

        Asians benefit from white supremacy you know.

  34. Tripacer

    butter’d of face

    This made driving home on lunch break totally worth it. Also keeping my lunch down. It’s always risky.

    • Q Continuum

      Fake Mexican!

      • Don Escaped Texas

        +1 Ted Williams

    • R C Dean

      “Fine. You and your wife are out the will. When the marriage ends, she’s back in. Your kids will have trust funds that they can’t access until you die. Hope that warm glow of righteousness is worth it.”

    • Rebel Scum

      Beto the Faux Latino strikes again (and sounds like an actual totalitarian)

      O’Rourke: ‘I Don’t Know That Anybody Deserves to Have a Billion Dollars’

      “You didn’t build that.”

    • antisthenes

      He’s not wrong, he just forgot to include Uncle Sam in that list.

  35. kinnath

    https://www.npr.org/2019/06/19/734103488/democrats-blast-biden-for-recalling-civil-relationship-with-segregationists

    The day after former Vice President Joe Biden recalled his “civil” and productive working relationships decades ago with two longtime segregationist and racist fellow lawmakers, fellow Democrats are pouncing.

    At a New York City fundraiser Tuesday night, Biden told donors he has reached across the aisle throughout his career. “I was in a caucus with James O. Eastland,” Biden said, according to a pool report. “He never called me ‘boy’; he always called me ‘son.’ ”

    “Well, guess what? At least there was some civility,” Biden said, also pointing to a working relationship he forged with Georgia Sen. Herman Talmadge, another segregationist Democrat. “We got things done. We didn’t agree on much of anything. We got things done. We got it finished. But today, you look at the other side and you’re the enemy. Not the opposition, the enemy. We don’t talk to each other anymore.”

    Please continue to burn it all down.

    • Winston

      I thought the parties switched?

    • Rhywun

      My god, the debates are going to be epic. I mean, I won’t watch, but I’m sure somebody will and report back.

      • DOOMco

        I would be into writing a few summaries. Maybe. If I dont inflict injuries on myself

    • R C Dean

      We didn’t agree on much of anything. We got things done.

      So tell us, how do you get things done when you don’t agree?

    • Rebel Scum

      Herman Talmadge

      Any relation to Benjamin?

      • Winston

        Son of Eugene…

  36. SugarFree

    Thank you, everyone. Too busy today to play in the comments as is my wont.