The Hat and The Hair: Episode 122

by | Jun 5, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 227 comments

In UK trip, Trump’s not-so-special relationship with Theresa May is on display

 

“After the public meeting is when the real work gets done,” the hat said from Donald’s suit pocket as the three of them followed Terri into the small meeting room.

“I know that,” the hair snapped.

“Whoa, dude,” the hat said. “What’s the matter with you?”

“I hate this country,” the hair said. “I’m hungry and itchy all over and I can barely concentrate enough to keep myself on his head.”

“I get it. I hate this place too,” the hat said. “The stain left behind by a dead empire allowing itself to be taken over by all its former enemies. It’s pathetic.”

“Do they even have hair-loss meds in this fourth-world turd palace?” the hair asked. “I’m starving. I’m starving, I tell you. I’m down to eating Donald’s dandruff and some towel lint I found in his ear.”

“Gross,” the hat said.

“I’m going to tap a vein if I don’t get some Minoxidil soon.”

“Don’t do that, Donald needs all his blood,” the hat said.

“He also needs to not look like a bald motherfucker,” the hair said in a savage tone.

“Have you ever had a Big Mac?” Donald asked Terri. “Like with extra special sauce and Quarter-Pounder patties? Just tremendous. So good. Delicious, even. You really need to try it. Come to America. I’ll feed you McDonald’s from every state!”

“What the fuck is he talking about?” the hat asked the hair.

“Fuck if I know,” the hair replied.

“This is a state visit,” the hat growled. “You are supposed to be riding a tight herd on him.”

“I’m too hungry,” the hair moaned. “I can’t concentrate.”

“The EU is is just too bigly,” Donald told the small woman, shrinking even faster since stepping down, drawing into herself like a withering flower. “It’s good to be out of it. Brexit, right? That’s you guys are calling? Just amazing. Crowns, pounds and guineas and all that. A farthing and such. Polish plumbers and Italian civil engineers and Mexicans pouring through your southern border.”

“Excuse me?” Terri asked, alarmed. She touched her hair self-consciously. Her shoulder pads made it seem like her floral suit jacket was slowly consuming her.

“Mexicans. They are everywhere,” Donald said, sidling close to her on the couch. “One out of five countries are Mexico now.”

“Oh, God. I can smell her hairspray!” the hair said, choking.

“Calm down,” the hat said urgently.

“IT SMELLS DELICIOUS!” the hair screeched.

Donald leaned in close to Terri. “My hair thinks you smell great.”

“Excuse me?” she said. “Excuse me? Excuse me?” She began to blink rapidly and stammer.

“I WANT TO EAT HER HAIR!” the hair screamed.

“Donald! Grab him, dammit!” the hat ordered.

Donald clamped his hand on his head and got up from the couch.

“Mousse,” his hair said weakly. “Styling gel. Anything. Just feed me.”

“We’ve got to get the fuck out of this two-bit country,” the hat said.

“I want bangers and mash,” Donald said petulantly.

“Excuse me? Excuse me?” Terri continued to repeat.

“You broke her,” the hat said to the hair.

“Weak,” the hair said hoarsely. “They are are all so weak over here.”

“What’s a banger?” Donald asked as he was escorted away from the former Prime Minister when she began to convulse.

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

227 Comments

  1. robc

    That was…unexpectedly mild. Did you let UCS write this episdoe?

    • Drake

      Mild, but it made me giggle.

    • SugarFree

      It can’t get worse every time or it’ll just be all talking buttholes and piss-golems and such. The ebb and flow is necessary to avoid desensitization.

      • peachy rex

        Now, help me out here – is a piss-golem a golem who pisses, or a golem *made* of piss?

      • SugarFree

        Yes.

    • Tonio

      IOW, he’s lulling us into a false sense of security, setting us up for the next horror.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      That was…unexpectedly mild.

      You need to stretch the words out to see the dark humor:

      Trump tells May he wants Bangers & Mash:

      Bangers

      Bang ers

      Bang [h]ers

      Let us all know when you see it.

  2. Spudalicious

    Dee-lightful.

    • Sean

      Agreed.

    • Old Man With Candy

      Do I need to drag out your quote from a couple months back? Or do you take it all back?

      • Spudalicious

        That was a different time, a different place. I was a young man, angry at the injustices in the world because, reasons.

  3. Russian Kia drives Yusef

    Bravo! that was great,
    Bangers? is that like Headbangers?

    • Tonio

      “Bangers” are a type of sausage, commonly served as part of “bangers and mash” (mashed potatos).

      Hope all is well with you, buddy.

    • Riven

      EXCUSE ME

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Ok then……

    • Tonio

      Post-traumatic reaction to the above story?

  4. The Late P Brooks

    “You broke her,” the hat said to the hair.

    “Weak,” the hair said hoarsely. “They are are all so weak over here.”

    They’re all jealous of us. Impotent and jealous.

  5. MikeS

    Excellent SF.

    And that last pic is hilarious.

    • The Other Kevin

      That’s after he ate the bangers.

      • Drake

        Or looked her in the face.

    • Tonio

      British food, Mikey. Two or three decent dishes and the rest is slumps, sags and “puddings.” Bland starchy paste which is boiled then fried, or vice versa.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    Trump should invite Theresa May to Washington for the Fourth of July. Just to rub it in.

    • Tonio

      ^This.

      But we are at most a full step behind them.

    • Fourscore

      Took about a second, then I laughed.

      /Need more history/

  7. DOOMco

    This is what I missed

    • Swiss Servator

      “I WANT TO EAT HER HAIR!” the hair screamed.

      I laughed.

    • Fourscore

      You forgot the question mark

  8. Tonio

    “The stain left behind by a dead empire allowing itself to be taken over by all its former enemies. It’s pathetic.”

    [weeps]

  9. ChipsnSalsa

    Mexicans pouring through your southern border

    Libertarian moment?

    • AlexinCT

      Not enough buttseks?

    • Tonio

      Yeah, “microplastics” is the latest luddite panic. Remember when nanoparticles were going to kill us all and coat the planet with “gray goo?”

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        We react to everything in various ways. Microplastics are worth studying but not worth panicking over. The net benefit of plastics has been tremendous by any measure in terms of public health and sanitation.

        As far as nano-particles go, I wouldn’t be handling carbon nanotubes without significant protection. They’re relatively indestructible and very clingy, not a good combination when introduced into the human body.

      • Lord Humungus

        STEVE SMITH GOOD COMBINATION FOR HOOMAN BODY

      • Swiss Servator

        STEVE SMITH RELATIVELY INDESTRUCTIBLE, BUT NOT CLINGY. HIM MOVE ON AFTER RAPE.

    • Naptown Bill

      My wife’s current project has to do with developing educational content for schools and nonprofits looking to use regional NOAA grants to run K-12 courses having to do with this. This has been a big push in my area over the past couple of years. Like a lot of this stuff, there’s a legitimate core of concern that’s magnified by a hell of a lot of bad journalism and ignorance coupled with the usual ecological sentimentality and anti-capitalist, anti-technology Ludditism.

      That article headline is typical of what I mean. Is 70000 particles a lot? How does that compare to the amount of uranium you ingest on a daily basis? What effect does ingesting plastic have on the body, if any?

      • Don Escaped Texas

        yours is a well-written note

        I simply write as a chemical industry alumni who spent a couple of decades reducing fugitives and trying to remediate soil and ground-water: occasionally I see a legitimate core of concern published and think it might help others understand a bit.

        Negotiating how much garbage others can put in my lungs seems more than a bit backward to me, but I respect that you are rational about the process. I submit: A dock not producing profit is still valuable property; shouting fire in a theater is still free speech; so how is garbage I don’t want still being in my lungs not violence?

      • R C Dean

        Don, had an interesting convo with Pater Dean last month about environmental regs. He, too, is a chemical industry alumni. After some amusing stories about dicking around with the EPA and the state on water quality (his plant basically ahd to take over the municipal water plant because his people were the only ones who actually know how to run a water purification operation), he said that without environmental regs, the chemical companies would just poison everything rather than spend money on environmental protection. Reminded me of you.

  10. commodious spittoon

    “Excuse me? Excuse me?”

    Theresa could be the breakthrough character this series needs to liven up a little.

  11. Scruffy Nerfherder

    For today’s enemies of freedom list, we have the Honorable Judge Timothy Dyk, aptly named and appointed by William Jefferson Clinton.

    Judge DICK has decided that if a property is not turning a profit, it is essentially worthless and therefore the government can seize it without just compensation.

    https://www.nationalreview.com/2019/06/private-property-seizure-compensation-fifth-amendment/

    The Court of Federal Claims, recognizing that the very law that destroyed the terminal would have given it immense market value, assessed just compensation at $133 million. But last year, the Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit reversed that decision, ruling that the investors were due exactly zero for an investment that the government had destroyed and would now confiscate. The appeals court reasoned that because the terminal was not earning a positive cash flow, it had zero economic value — a notion utterly at odds with reality, in which thousands of transactions place a high value on investments that take years to bear fruit.

    This ruling would have a dampening effect on all kinds of American businesses. Indeed, many of the nation’s roughly 30 million businesses invest years of capital in under-utilized commercial property before reaping the profits. The attorneys general of Texas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Utah, in an amicus brief in support of the Love Terminal Partners plaintiffs’ petition for review before the Supreme Court, spelled out how this brazen new government power might harm society:

    The Federal Circuit’s reasoning would mean that no compensation at all is due when the government takes an inherited farm lying fallow until a new owner can be found to produce on it, or when the government seizes a church, mosque, or synagogue, or another institution not operating for a profit.

    • Tonio

      This was the inevitable result of Kelo.

      You didn’t build that. You don’t really own that because it was stolen from indigenous peoples. You only earned that money because White Privelege and you need to give some of it back. Etc.

    • commodious spittoon

      How dare you bring something so stupefying and viscerally abhorrent into an SF thread.

      • commodious spittoon

        Some of the commenters argue that it’s not a 5A matter but a contract dispute. The land belongs to the city and was leased to the terminal owners. Dyk’s reasoning seems specious for sure, but it might not be a strict Constitutional issue.

      • invisible finger

        “The land belongs to the city and was leased to the terminal owners”

        So it IS generating cash flow. Therefore, Dyk is trying to change the definition of cash flow.

      • Tonio

        If it’s government’s property then that does put a different spin on it. But government holds far too much property and that’s a whole other separate issue.

        You know the emoluments clause thingy that has Dems so worked up about that DC hotel that Trump runs in a building leased from the US Fedgov? Totally wouldn’t even be an issue if the government were forced to either “use it or lose it” with property. If government has had the property for five or more years and it’s not at at least 75% occupancy then you really don’t need that building and it goes up for auction.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        If I’m paying the lease, I have contract rights that cannot by nullified willy-nilly.

    • invisible finger

      Time to seize Dyk’s house. It should be generating zero cash flow, and if it IS generating cash flow then Dyk is violating the zoning laws by operating a business in a residential zone.

      • R C Dean

        There are multiple ways to value real estate other than discounted cash flow. Replacement cost and comparable property sales are two of them. For single family homes, the latter is about the only way to do it that anybody will accept. And, yes, under his ruling, every single family home could be seized without compensation.

        Same with vacant land that isn’t rented out. Same, for that matter, with a lot of operating farms and ranches, which may or may not generate positive cash flow in a given year or series of years.

    • Don Escaped Texas

      The attorneys general of Texas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Utah . . . spelled out how this . . . would mean that no compensation at all is due when the government takes an inherited farm lying fallow until . . .

      they need a park.

      Guy hangs on to 50 acres while a city explodes around him. City wants a new park but doesn’t want to pay to bulldoze houses. No problem: eminent domain threat.

      https://www.google.com/maps/place/Meadow+Park+Athletic+Complex/@32.8558356,-97.1428559,16z/data=!4m13!1m7!3m6!1s0x864e7f028913a3c9:0x397766361ed5ef92!2sBedford,+TX+76022!3b1!8m2!3d32.8329317!4d-97.1440146!3m4!1s0x864e7f75694c60fb:0x38fcd86f4ecb6caf!8m2!3d32.8544609!4d-97.1348771

      Texans being unTexan to each other! What would John Wayne say?!1!

    • Chipwooder

      The appeals court reasoned that because the terminal was not earning a positive cash flow, it had zero economic value

      I know nothing these jerkoffs come up with should surprise me anymore, but this is astonishingly ignorant. Anyone who has ever take a basic finance course can explain why that argument is utterly, completely wrong.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    The appeals court reasoned that because the terminal was not earning a positive cash flow, it had zero economic value — a notion utterly at odds with reality, in which thousands of transactions place a high value on investments that take years to bear fruit.

    You’d have to be an ivy league Constitutional scholar to believe that.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I’ll have you know Judge Dyk is Harvard educated.

  13. Tres Cool

    “one out of five countries is now mexico”

    I love it

    • Russian Kia drives Yusef

      Mexicans are fine, its the Central American, what are effectively Indians, that shit all over everything,
      Sup Tres!

  14. The Other Kevin

    There is a FB mob forming against a local farm. It’s one of those farms where you can take the kids on a field trip to see where milk comes from. Someone made an undercover video at the farm that shows the animals are being abused (calves beaten and thrown around, stuff like that). People are calling for a boycott of the farm and of Coca-Cola (one of their sponsors).

    I am being lauded as a hero because I have been eating low carb for a few years now so I haven’t been buying Coke products, so I’m ahead of the curve on the boycott.

    • Urthona

      Why would they beat calves?

      • MikeS

        You don’t want your veal to be tough, do you?

      • Lord Humungus

        Why do you beat your meat?

      • Gustave Lytton

        You can’t have any pudding if you don’t beat your meat!

        /things I learned from The Wall

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Gotta get my puddin’ pop

      • Q Continuum

        Bill Cosby is that you?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Hey hey hey!

  15. The Late P Brooks

    calves beaten and thrown around

    Calves are stupid and annoying, and they won’t get the fuck out of your way.

    • pistoffnick

      Cows really are stupid.

      If I ever go back to farming (not likely – too much work for too little return) there will be pigs and goats and sheep but no damn cows.

  16. kinnath

    I posted a like to Tank Man on my Facebook feed. We’ll see how the youngsters respond.

    • Tonio

      “Who is that?”

      • kinnath

        Self identifies as Tank Girl.

      • Tonio

        Ooooh, Tank Girl…

  17. straffinrun

    Like with extra special sauce and Quarter-Pounder patties?

    That’s by far the grossest thing you’ve ever written.

    • Mad Scientist

      The special sauce on a Big Mac is one of the most nauseous substances on earth.

      • Donation Not Taxation

        Correctly using nauseous instead of nauseated.

      • SugarFree

        Mayonnaise, sweet pickle relish and yellow mustard whisked together with vinegar, garlic powder, onion powder and paprika.

      • MikeS

        Huh. Not the “secret sauce” recipe I would expect from you.

  18. Rhywun

    The National Health Service is a postwar creation treasured by Britons of all political stripes

    Sure, Jan.

    • Tonio

      The “big lie” technique in action. Related: I love it when Dems pen articles explaining how very likeable Warren, Harris, et als are. Totes obvious to everyone else that they are extremely unlikeable and you’re trying to pretend otherwise.

      • Q Continuum

        Hillary is so personable and down to Earth!

  19. Tundra

    Fuckin’ Hat, taking charge!

    The Donald’s stream-of-consciousness seems so plausible.

  20. Q Continuum

    So is May a malfunctioning android, or just severely brain-damaged?

    • SugarFree

      Yes.

    • straffinrun

      She needs to be told things more than once.

    • Drake

      If she’s an android, they did a really shoddy job of putting her together.

      • invisible finger

        Reminds me of my brother watching Star Trek, which I was never into. He made the comment (not me) about the Changeling in Next Generation: If you can change into any form you want, why would you choose to be a butt ugly motherfucker most of the time?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Jaime Hubbard is butt ugly? Ok…

      • invisible finger

        Sorry, it was DS9. Character was Odo.

      • Gustave Lytton

        My second guess was Nomad. Off even further.

      • Raven Nation

        Huh, she earned an MA in Clinical Psychology and is now a psychotherapist.

      • Q Continuum

        Seems like being a drop-dead gorgeous chick in order to scam people out of money would be more effective.

    • Florida Man

      she just needs a cortical fluid injection, then she’ll be right as rain.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    If I’m paying the lease, I have contract rights that cannot by nullified willy-nilly.

    Something something pray I don’t alter it further.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    So is May a malfunctioning android, or just severely brain-damaged?

    Ix-nay on the otten-ray.

  23. Rebel Scum

    The stain left behind by a dead empire allowing itself to be taken over by all its former enemies. It’s pathetic.

    It actually is, though.

    • straffinrun

      Look on the bright side. Widow burning might save the NHS funding problem.

      • Q Continuum

        SUTTEEEEEEEE!!

    • Playa Manhattan

      1100 bucks at the pharmacy, negotiated down to 250. It takes the insurance a week to process, and I didn’t want to wait.

      • Q Continuum

        Fuckin’ crazy man. Be glad they didn’t prescribe fidaxomicin (which is a last resort before fecal transplant and/or surgery); its only accepted use is on C diff and it costs tens of thousands for a course.

      • R C Dean

        Fecal transplants should be one of the things you try before you hit the heavy antibiotics.

        A lot of C. diff is brought on by overuse of antibiotics.

        We actually have a fecal donation program at my hospital. Its one of the best ways to treat C. diff.

      • Q Continuum

        Is she staying hydrated? I lost 25 pounds (10 of which was necessary) when I had it. My digestion was fucked up for a year afterward.

        C diff is awful.

      • Playa Manhattan

        Yeah. I made egg flower soup last night. One of the best things to come out of my kitchen. The kids were pissed that they didn’t get any.

        They apparently have a questionnaire that the prescribing doctor has to fill out if Vanco is prescribed out of a hospital setting.
        I called the insurance, and they said it can take 10 days to process it before they approve. What the fuck, man? This is serious. I’m not waiting 10 days.

      • Q Continuum

        What a load of shit (pun not intended).

      • Gustave Lytton

        Damn. Best wishes for a speedy and full recovery.

    • kinnath

      Haven’t played D&D in more than 30 years. So I can’t comment on that.

      I have been a foster parent to a young girl diagnosed with ADHD. She was two different people when on Ritalin and when it wore off in the evening. ADHD is real, and the meds do amazing things.

      The school system completely fucked things up about the time we were taking care of her. If you had a kid with a behavior problem, the school would ban the kid until he/she was medicated. Thus parents and schools turned kids into zombies instead of teaching them how to live in the real world with lots of other people.

      My grandson was diagnosed with Aspergers. He was on meds for a while. While he was on the meds, he learned what “normal” felt like and looked like. He eventually learn to modulate his behavior to be normal without meds. He hasn’t taken them for many years.

      So yeah, most kids misbehave because their parent are too stupid or too lazy or too indifferent to teach their kids how to behave. Medicating these kids is evil.

      Worse, this is producing tons of bad PR for the kids that really do have ADD/Aspbergers.

      • Q Continuum

        “Worse, this is producing tons of bad PR for the kids that really do have ADD/Aspbergers.”

        Kind of like how phony sexual assault accusations trivialize real victims.

        Also: yes there are kids with legitimate problems that need to be treated, but I’m with Cappy in that I can’t see how the incidence of Autism has increased by orders of magnitude in just a couple of decades. That seems fishy.

      • invisible finger

        Seems fishy to me to. Although there has been speculation that ultrasound is being overused and contributing to the problem.

      • Playa Manhattan

        It’s more visible now because of changes in the economy.

        If you were born with aspbergers in the 1940s. you’d end up a janitor or bagging groceries.

        Now, you can make 6 figures coding.

      • kinnath

        My grandson bags groceries. He enjoys it.

      • Fatty Bolger

        I bet plenty became accountants.

      • Playa Manhattan

        Sure, the nerdy ones.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Better diagnostic capabilities along with a good measure of overdiagnosis likely accounts for the rise.

      • SugarFree

        And these people in the past were diagnosed as shy, weird, withdrawn, schizophrenic or, in severe cases, mentally retarded.

        We’ve put all these human types on a spectrum and given them all the same disorder. Of course the incidence has exploded.

      • robc

        I continue to stand behind my claim that everyone working in IT is somewhere on the spectrum.

      • UnCivilServant

        Ultraviolet, we program friend computer.

      • SugarFree

        I wouldn’t doubt it.

        I can also attest that pretty much every librarian I’ve ever met has at least a little bit of OCD.

      • invisible finger

        Easier to get them dependent on pharmaceuticals that way. We’ve got retirement accounts to fund.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Autism is a symptom diagnosis, not a clear cut medical condition. It is generally associated with neurological inflammation and gut disorders.

        Case in point, my son, while showing traits of Asperger’s and fully classified as such by UVA, was actually suffering from aluminum poisoning and a systemic yeast infection.

        Therefore, the autism diagnosis became a hindrance to proper treatment since they stop looking for a an actual reason and just say “autism”.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        fibromyalgia

      • Playa Manhattan

        I’m not saying that fibromyalgia isn’t real, but I’m also not saying that it is.

      • Raven Nation

        Wow, what was the source of the aluminum?

      • Playa Manhattan

        Now I have the word “aluminum” stuck in my head in an Australian accent.

      • Raven Nation

        Oz = aluminium

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        He has a dual copy of the MHTFR defect which interrupts the methyl folate creation process. Which in turn hinders his ability to expel toxins, particularly metals.

        Therefore, every vaccine he takes raises his metal toxicity.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Aluminum poisoning? What was that from, cookware?

      • Playa Manhattan

        Where was the aluminum coming from?

      • invisible finger

        INSIDE THE HOUSE

      • Fatty Bolger

        “aluminum poisoning”

        Damn. How did that happen?

      • Playa Manhattan

        Did the symptoms persist after treatment?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        There are some permanent character traits, but the most severe of the health issues have subsided. The yeast has turned out to be a real PITA.

      • CPRM

        Detection. I never heard the word Aspbergers until I was a teen when my mom was an aid at the school helping a kid who had it. If I had been a kid at that same time I would have been labeled, but instead I was just ‘an awkward kid who would throw tantrums.”

        Just like how after they discover a ‘new’ disease the incidents explode, even though people were most likely dying from it before but it got labeled something else.

      • BEAM's not a team player

        +1 “consumption”

      • robc

        Aspbergers isnt used anymore, instead it is just Autism Spectrum.

        My daughter was diagnosed, she probably would have been “Asperbergers” 20 years ago. I would have been in the 70s if it had existed yet. I was actually tested for Autism back then, and the results were apparently, “Eh, borderline, nothing we can do about it, stick him in the gifted classes and giving him speech therapy.”

        My daughter is only 3, the ABA therapy is doing wonders, I think she will end up in the same place as me.

        She is basically me turned up to 11.

      • kinnath

        So hefeweizen all the way.

      • robc

        “Not until she is 14.” (Joke my wife hates, probably because she knows it isn’t a joke.)

      • kinnath

        Iowa allows a parent to serve alcohol to a minor in the home.

      • pistoffnick

        Wisconsin allows a parent to buy their 16 tear old booze in bars.

    • Fatty Bolger

      I’ve run into some fakers. They usually work it into the conversation within five minutes of meeting them.

  24. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Why Apple is dying, exhibit 1,528

    • Mad Scientist

      I don’t think they’ll be dying any time soon, but I want them to every time I come across one of their long-standing bugs they ignore rather than fix.

    • Rhywun

      I guess you can take that $1K and subtract it from the $35K you’re saving by not buying the Sony monitor.

    • Naptown Bill

      Apple consumers will spend the $1k, take a selfie at the store with the box, post an unboxing video on YouTube, and post glowing reviews on Facebook. Compare this to the average Dell user, who would be encouraged to spend the extra $150 to get a “performance” XPS or Alienware badged stand that breaks within six months. Or your PC Master Race guy who will either fabricate a stand from parts in his shed, or, for preference, buy a $3k 3D printer to print his own custom stand.

    • CampingInYourPark

      Just bought the wife a MacBook Pro. I despise IOS, and a lot of that may be due to unfamiliarity, but the hardware is very well made.

      • Naptown Bill

        I still believe that Apple makes the best laptops for that reason. Now, I detest laptops, but if I had to have one I’d have a MacBook Pro running Linux. But I’d lose the chiclet keyboard. I hate those things.

      • CampingInYourPark

        You are spot on about the keyboard. I never do anything “serious” with any laptop without plugging a normal keyboard into it though. Don’t really care for touchpads either.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    If you can change into any form you want, why would you choose to be a butt ugly motherfucker most of the time?

    An aversion to annoying chit-chat with random strangers?

      • Private Chipperbot

        Bleached?

        butt

      • Q Continuum

        *starfish salute*

    • Rhywun

      I was outside the office one day with a friend on a smoke break and some chick walked up to bum a light and told him how beautiful his eyes are. I was like, “That’s weird”. He goes, “Happens all the time.”

      • Drake

        Well, does he have beautiful eyes, or is it a good way to get free smokes?

      • Lord Humungus

        Percy: You know, they do say that the Infanta’s eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.
        Edmund: Mm! … What?

        Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.

        Edmund: And what’s that, exactly?

        Percy: Well, it’s a famous blue stone, and it comes … from Galveston.

        Edmund: I see. And what about it?

        Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta’s eyes are bluer than it, for a start.

        Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?

        Percy: (nods) No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it’s very very blue indeed.

        Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta’s eyes?

        Percy: No, I shouldn’t think so, My Lord.

        Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.

        Percy: No, My Lord.

        Edmund: So, what you’re telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.

      • kinnath

        I managed to get this far in life without reading whatever this is from.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Watching. One of the greatest documentary works of history.

      • Lord Humungus

        No love for Black Adder? Shame on you!

      • Fatty Bolger

        Watching. It’s Blackadder.

      • kinnath

        I have heard of Black Adder, but have never seen it.

      • invisible finger

        Try to. It’s worth it.

      • robc

        Like with lots of shows, season 1 they didnt quite have the hand of things, I think it really gets good starting with season 2.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Any time I see Tim McInnerny in a role I want to start laughing, no matter how serious it is. And it’s all Blackadder’s fault.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Tony Robinson did the safety brief video for the Salisbury Plain Training Area. Hard to keep from laughing.

      • Rhywun

        does he have beautiful eyes

        Indubitably.

      • Florida Man

        He goes, “Happens all the time.”-

        Can confirm. Women tell me that all the time. I have blue/green eyes that change color according to what I’m wearing.

      • Rhywun

        My friend had Meg Foster eyes.

      • Florida Man

        Nice

      • Private Chipperbot

        No wonder she hasn’t worked lately.

      • SP

        #metoo

      • Tundra

        To me as well. The problem is that it’s usually Pope Jimbo.

    • Drake

      But did they catch anything?

      • Florida Man

        Can pretty much guarantee kingfish. Always catch them in the gulf.

    • Playa Manhattan

      I love how they mention that he said the N word, as if that was even remotely bad compared to the other shit he did.

    • Brett L

      Actually, not that far out of band. The gun wass a little much.

  26. Don Escaped Texas

    When is a Republican not a Republican?


    Grigsby identifies as a Republican and enthusiastically supported Trump, but he said he wished Trump hadn’t scrapped Obama’s regulations.

    Alabama nobody left in the clutches of a market and a contract he gladly entered into: will project his ridiculous panacea fantasy onto new candidate next time.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Trump’s in bed with big meat!

      • Q Continuum

        You know who else was in bed with big meat?

      • kinnath

        John Holmes

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Milo Yiannopolous?

      • Lord Humungus

        STEVE SMITH CUDDLES WITH HIS THIRD LEG EVERY NIGHT

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Ah, those rascally high schoolers in their early 30s.

      • Rhywun

        Jelly.

    • Florida Man

      Not clicking, but a straight pride parade is lame.

      • Tonio

        It is, but the point was the outrage it generated. IOW, a single straight pride protester can summon 100D20 of SJWs.

      • Florida Man

        Why can’t people just leave each other alone? Do we need to be constantly tweaking each other’s noses?

      • invisible finger

        When your nose has a giant sign on it that says “TWEAK THIS” you can’t be surprised when people do.

      • Swiss Servator

        I read that as “TWERK THIS” and was patiently waiting for HM…

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      How transgressive and brave.

    • Tonio

      Yeah, the movement homos are all butt-hurt (!) about that. Brilliant trolling.

      First time I’ve seen Sargon’s face. When did he start doing that?

      • robc

        “movement homos”

        As opposed to the ones who just lie still?

      • kinnath

        dead fish lay

      • Lord Humungus

        something something ex-girlfriend

      • Russian Kia drives Yusef

        a while back, he is /was running for office in the UK

    • SugarFree

      I have never felt pride nor shame about being heterosexual. And marching just sounds boring.

      • Swiss Servator

        I hated marching, parades and such. “Pass in Review” – bah!

      • Don Escaped Texas

        -1 Lieutenant Scheisskopf

      • Fourscore

        I enjoyed 1 parade, as a spectator/participant.

  27. Don Escaped Texas

    first bird to sing gets off easy

    I don’t care about this as a crime, but this is the correct way to play with federales.

  28. Tundra

    How you doin’?

    I would think you are pretty immune to stuff like that by now.

    • Tundra

      OH, COME ON!

      It was fine the way it was!

  29. Florida Man

    There’s a woman at work that I can’t convince that the origin of the zombie myth started in Haiti and at the same time I don’t believe in zombies. She wants me to watch a documentary called the serpent & the rainbow to prove zombies don’t come from Haiti.

    • Lord Humungus

      did you send her the Wikipedia link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zombie

      A zombie (Haitian French: zombi, Haitian Creole: zonbi) is a fictional undead being created through the reanimation of a corpse. Zombies are most commonly found in horror and fantasy genre works. The term comes from Haitian folklore, in which a zombie is a dead body reanimated through various methods, most commonly magic. Modern depictions of the reanimation of the dead do not necessarily involve magic but often invoke science fictional methods such as carriers, radiation, mental diseases, vectors, pathogens, scientific accidents, etc.[1][2]

      • Florida Man

        She appears to be immune to reason.

      • Fourscore

        “She appears to be bound to Reason”

    • Florida Man

      I busted googled it. It’s a horror movie. WTF is wrong with this woman.

      • SugarFree

        The book it was made from was non-fiction, and mostly about pufferfish poison being behind the legend of the zombie. The movie is more sensationalized. And Bill Pullman gets his scrotum nailed to a chair.

        But the idea of the reanimated dead comes from many cultures. The Revenant of Eastern Europe, which eventually morphed into the Vampire, is little more than a zombie… mindless, rotting, the unquiet dead risen from the grave.

      • l0b0t

        I remember seeing that film in the theater. There was an audible collective gasp from the audience when that scene played out.

    • Naptown Bill

      “A documentary”

      Oh boy. Is she at least nice? Or pretty? It’s a tough world unless you’re at least one of pretty, smart, or charming.

      • Florida Man

        She is … nine of those things

      • Sean

        Florida math!

    • invisible finger

      Tell her than Louis Farrakhan helped popularize it and watch her head spin.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Make sure your shots are up to date if you’re going to be around this woman.

    • Russian Kia drives Yusef

      Documentary? a good movie, but just a story,

    • Tonio

      Most of the zombies you see in TV/Movies are what are called Romero zombies – animated by naturalistic causes such as radiation (NOTLD) or disease (TWD). Disease is the most common cause of reanimation on a per-franchise basis. Romero’s “radiation from a passing comet” was barely plausible in the fifties, and the zombies were fixed in number and did not multiply.

      • SugarFree

        A bite turned the little girl in the girl in the basement in the first movie, so they will multiply.

        And it was only speculated to be the radiation from a crashed satellite; no definite explanation is ever given.

      • SugarFree

        And the movie was set in 1968, the same year as the release.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Maybe they should be called Matheson zombies, because those were all inspired by I Am Legend.

      • SugarFree

        But in I Am Legend, the world is taken over by Stoker Vampires: sunlight, garlic, crosses, stakes.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Only because they are insane and behave the way they think they should as vampires. Sunlight is coincidental because it kills the disease, and stakes are not actually necessary to kill the infected.