The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Bernie and Liz

by | Aug 28, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 371 comments

What’s So ‘Off-Putting’ About Elizabeth Warren?

 

“From each according to his abilities,” Bernie mumbled, “To each according to her needs.” He leaned over Liz and spat a half-sucked Geritol her mouth.

“I promise to work my heart out on you, Bernie,” Liz said, talking around the huge pill in her mouth then swallowing it. She gathered his dangling ballsack in her hand and bobbled it vigorously, making dandruff rain down on the floor of their secret love nest.

“I stand up for the little guy, the oppressed, the disenfranchised, those preyed on by Big Pharma,” Bernie said. He ate another Viagra gummy and made a fist with his face, willing blood into his crooked penis.

“We are going to be fantastic in the next debates,” Liz said, eating a gummy herself.

“Joe is senile, Kamala is a fraud,” Bernie said. “We are what the next generation is looking for. We appeal to the young voter. I’ve never been popular with young voters! It feels great, like when I was popular with young voters in 2016!”

Liz hauled her left breast out of her armpit and offered it to Bernie. He braced himself on the headboard and bent to suckle at her chapped nipple.

“Yes, Bernie, yes, honor me as your comrade equal,” she moaned. His drool ran down the runnels in her breasts and pooled on the bed.

Bernie reached for her grey crotch and used a hoof-nailed forefinger to rub her mummified clitoris. It made a sound like crumpling the cellophane from a cigarette pack.

“We will beat this corrupt, rigged, capitalist nightmare system that keeps me bone-dry and you soft as an old tube sock,” Liz said, shaking his penis now like she was trying to wake it.

“We will do it together,” Bernie said, trying to push a finger into her desiccated vagina, “My beloved comrade female.”

“I know, we know, what’s broken in my vagina, I know how to fix it, and we will fight to make it happen,” Liz said, fumbling for lube. She pushed away expired hormone patches and Bernie’s vape juice bottles in the drawer of the small bedside table while still working his quarter-hard penis like she was milking a cow.

“I want to make love to your belly button,” Bernie said as she blindly groped in the drawer. “It is the most socialist of orifices.”

“Bernie?” Liz asked. “Can you see the lube?”

“We don’t need lube, we just need our commitment to proletariat values,” Bernie replied, trying to steer his penis toward the sweet asshole of her mouth.

“I need lube,” Liz said. “You’re going to be hard at some point probably and I need lube. I need lube, dammit!”

“Saliva is very socialist,” he said, giving a leer that looked like he was having another stroke. “The most collective of lubricants.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

371 Comments

  1. kinnath

    I need to stop reading these.

    • Swiss Servator

      Too late for me… so much for sleep tonight. Or tomorrow night.

      • Nephilium

        Some more nightmare fuel for you then. This is the last year Founders plans to release Canadian Breakfast Stout; however, they are planning on offering it in 12 oz bottles again this year.

      • DEG

        NOOOOO!

  2. Drake

    I lost it at hoof-nailed forefinger.

  3. Sean

    Dear SF,

    May God have mercy on your soul.

    • Fatty Bolger

      And ours.

  4. Scruffy Nerfherder

    A return to form

    *stares at keyboard, unsure of next steps, this will pass from my mind, this will pass, it has to*

    • WTF

      I must not succumb to SugarFree.
      SugarFree is the mind-killer.
      SugarFree is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
      I will face SugarFree’s prose.
      I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
      And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
      Where the horror has gone there will be nothing.
      Only I will remain.[2]

      • AlexinCT

        The benne-jizzer-it credo?

  5. The Other Kevin

    Such is the genius of SugarFree. He lulls us into a false sense of comfort with a few that are tame by his standards. And then BAM, he writes one with a mummified clitoris.

    • Not Adahn

      You know, I’ll bet you could make good money by adding a service at spas that wrapped the genitals in herb and aromatic resin impregnated cloths,

  6. Plisade

    Dude. Wow.

  7. TARDIS

    I should have read this before lunch. I could have saved my lunch money.

    *suppresses urge to vomit *

  8. RBS

    “I want to make love to your belly button,”

    Glorious.

  9. wdalasio

    “The most collective of lubricants.”

    Who needs 16 choices of lubricant?!

  10. CPRM

    This one would be a NYT best-seller.

  11. WTF

    I’m very proud that I made it to the eighth paragraph before I hurled.

  12. Tundra

    I knew it was gonna be a bad one.

    Impressive, SF.

  13. Raphael

    Excellent work, SF. You spread the pain and suffering for all of us. May the elder gods bless you, good sir.

  14. Mad Scientist

    SugarFree is the gift no one asked for, but everyone needs.

  15. Spudalicious

    *sniff*

    That brought a tear to my eye.

    • Nephilium

      That’s just the brain trying to protect itself.

      • STEVE SMITH

        STEVE SMITH BRAIN SCARED! HIM HIDE IN BACK OF CAVE FROM NOSUGAR GLIBERTARIAN.

    • WTF

      Holy shit. Not the Babylon Bee.

    • BakedPenguin

      Wow. What a dumbass.

      On a further tangent, Glib protest march.

      • Not Adahn

        Now I’m wondering if the flat-cap-and-jacket marchers are of a different social class than the Homburg-and-coat ones, or if they just had a differing opinion as to the formality level of the protest.

      • Raphael

        That is a cause worth fighting for.

      • robc

        A bar in Louisville had that or a similar print on his wall. One day, a pro-pot legalization march went up the street, the owner of the bar pointed to the picture and out the window at the marchers and said, “If they dressed like that, they might have a chance.”

    • The Other Kevin

      Wow. She really is not doing herself any favors, is she?

      • Old Man With Candy

        She’s doing fine. Getting lots of attention, and she’s in a district where she’ll have to start wearing a MAGA hat to lose.

    • Hyperion

      The learned and edumencated know that there are 2 true periods in modern history. We have AW (after woke), which began on Tuesday, January 20, 2009, when the Great Annointed One was first declared lord and savior of all. Then there is the period before that, the totally racist and discredited period which no longer counts, the BW (before woke). So of course, the 60s do not exist, never existed.

      • Ted S.

        For some reason I thought the 60s (well, the time from Kennedy’s assassination to Nixon’s resignation) was the only period that existed other than the present, since the fucking Boomers want to compare everything to that period.

    • robc

      And the Whiskey Rebellion.

    • Raphael

      The Bronx ain’t sending their brightest.

      • R C Dean

        Maybe they did.

    • SugarFree

      The best part will be the articles on Slate and Medium and HuffPost arguing that AOC is right.

      Especially Slate, they run one or three articles every time she says something stupid.

    • Suthenboy

      She has to be either a Trump plant or is just straight up trolling.

      • kinnath

        She is just that stupid and self-centered.

      • Plisade

        Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”

    • Rufus the Monocled

      People who vote for this idiot are idiots themselves.

      Honestly, this is inexcusable ignorance.

      She’s celebrating ignorance this dunce.

  16. Lackadaisical

    I fucking tapped out.

    I’m impressed, but also disgusted. Thanks.

    “his crooked penis.”

    Botched circumcision by the mohel?

    • SP

      Wimp.

      • Lackadaisical

        The image of Elizabeth Warren’s mummified clit is still making me nauseous.

      • Mad Scientist

        Allow me to channel Ted S for a moment. The mummified clit is nauseous, and makes you feel nauseated.

    • Lord Humungus

      #metoo

      >>her mummified clitoris

  17. BakedPenguin

    Great work, SF. I offer you congratulatory puke.

  18. Hyperion

    I’m reading this while eating lunch… this is a mistake, isn’t it?

    • Hyperion

      *suppresses gag relflex*

    • Chafed

      #MyMistakeToo

  19. The Late P Brooks

    On a further tangent, Glib protest march.

    Awesome. I presume Random Drunken Asshole is leading the way.

    • BakedPenguin

      That SOB gets around.

    • Rhywun

      Zenu comin’!

  20. OBJ FRANKELSON

    Whew! Made it through the whole peice….. why is the left side of my face drooping?

    • Not Adahn

      Do you smell toast?

  21. The Late P Brooks

    America will not be truly be a just and free and equal nation until all penises are rigid and all vaginas are soaking wet.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    be

    • Not Adahn

      be

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Joe Biden was supposed to be there to hold the camera, but he forgot.

    • Hyperion

      3 old white people in a room making pr0n. I guess ol Joe is right about the institutionalized racism.

      • Nephilium

        Excuse me, one is a proud Native American. PROUD I SAY!

  24. JaimeRoberto: Gentleman, Scholar, French Tickler

    Does Bernie’s crooked penis curve left?

    The stuff inside your head really scares me.

  25. Not Adahn

    “It is the most socialist of orifices.”

    Does it really count as an orifice though? It doesn’t lead anywhere. It’s just an concavity, like an armpit. And sometimes it’s convex.

    • BakedPenguin

      Surprised SF didn’t make it an outie, just for the extra bit of gross.

    • BakedPenguin

      Oh wait, then he couldn’t have used the “most socialist..” line. Never mind.

      • Not Adahn

        But he COULD have had her peg Bernie with it.

    • SugarFree

      Concavity?

      I’ll be in my bunk.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Really? Try to keep up, cowboy.

      • Drake

        Oh snap!

        But that was the weekend when I do weekend things!

      • Rhywun

        Kuatu?

      • SugarFree

        “Huuuuma… start the re-actor…”

      • Not Adahn

        These euphemisms are only vaguely abstract.

      • Hyperion

        Them cankles gonna get their own zipcode soon.

      • Raphael

        I will not click on that link that shows her cloaca. You’re not fooling me this time, good sir!

      • Rasilio

        Airbags in case she falls?

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, but… I mean isn’t she still Madame Secretary? That title is forever, right? So if she starts to fall, don’t 6 secret service guys dressed all in black rush out of the shadows and carry her off with only one shoe on and throw her in the back of a black van? I mean airbags are for the peasantry.

      • UnCivilServant

        She’s no secretary. Secretaries are respectable people who do underappreciated work.

      • Suthenboy

        Whatever it is I am guessing that like her, it is full of shit.

    • CPRM

      I laughed at the part where she got shot in the nuts and drugs fell out her ass.

      • Chafed

        Interesting. I hadn’t heard about that.

    • Tundra

      Speaking of Walmart, did you guys hear that they sued Tesla?!?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Yes. Something about their solar panels lighting on fire.

      • Lord Humungus

        argle bargle dot com

  26. mexican sharpshooter

    I bet most of you scoffed at me when I told you Sugarfree was going to write something that will make you contemplate suicide by cop. Most of you owe me an apology.

    • Not Adahn

      I knew it was going to be intense because of the way the site lost its formatting as it was published.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Sugarfree routinely breaks WordPress.

      • Swiss Servator

        WordPress is trying to flee.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Between Sugarfree, SP’s cursing, having to scan and remove the Old Man’s racist rants, can you blame it?

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      In lieu of an apology will accept my lunch?

      • Lord Humungus

        like a momma bird feeding her babies?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        yes

      • mexican sharpshooter

        What are you having?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Coto Salami sandwich and Raw veggies. cauliflower, carrots, and broccoli.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Let me get back with you.

        *chokes down Diet Coke*

      • Crusty Juggler

        If you open your throat it goes down easier.

      • R C Dean

        Use that line a lot, Crusty?

  27. The Late P Brooks

    I was reminded of this yesterday.

    You’re welcome.

    • Florida Man

      It the animation reminds me of the boondocks.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    The New York Democratic congresswoman, who at 29 is a millennial herself, in a video that streamed live Tuesday night described how she thinks today’s young people are surpassing past generations.

    “I think young people are more informed and dynamic than their predecessors,” she said.

    The freshman congresswoman then patted young Americans on the back for their activism, implying this is a new development for American political engagement.

    “I think this new generation is very profound, and very strong, and very brave, because they’re actually willing to go to the streets,” she said. “Previous generations have just assumed that government’s got it.”

    She will save us.

    • Tundra

      Wait until she finds out about all the bombs and shit.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Don’t even know where to start with that. You can’t argue with the insane.

      • AlexinCT

        Don’t forget that they are also steeped in the self-esteem culture, but lack any skills or achievements that are worthy of actually producing any kind of esteem. This is the result of the whole participation trophy cult: we end up with a bunch of dumb, indoctrinated, inept, and idiotic fucks that think they are god’s gift.

    • The Other Kevin

      Of course they’re willing to go to the streets. They get college credit for that now.

      • Drake

        And they can’t afford cars.

    • Lord Humungus

      At least the hippies had free love and drugs. Now we just need the drugs.

    • Hyperion

      “how she thinks today’s young people are surpassing past generations.”

      They are, in terms of self entitlement, perceived victimhood, sloth, and sufficient hormone levels for anyone to even guess their gender.

    • Crusty Juggler

      “Takin’ it to the streets
      No need for runnin’
      Takin’ it to the streets”

    • commodious spittoon

      Millennials, many of whom are shocked to learn that slavery isn’t an American invention. Better informed isn’t how I’d describe them.

      • JaimeRoberto: Gentleman, Scholar, French Tickler

        At least they know that MLK and Harriet Tubman freed the slaves.

    • leon

      “Previous generations have just assumed that government’s got it.”

      As opposed to now where they think the government hasn’t got it enough?

  29. Rebel Scum

    That was…interesting…

  30. Don Escaped Texas

    Texas criminalized sending unsolicited nude photos but legalized brass knuckles. Every day of life is one step forward, two steps back.— Meghan Shelby (@MeghanShelby) August 28, 2019

    • Crusty Juggler

      Fun fact: if you wrap brass knucks around your dick those nude photos become legal.

      • AlexinCT

        Gonna go try that right now!

    • Crusty Juggler

      Fun fact: if you send a photo which shows off your prominent bulge/erection in clothing that isn’t considered a nude photo.

      HA! YOUR LAWS WILL NEVER DEFEAT US!

      • Crusty Juggler

        Figure it out for yourself, creep.

        People like trash are why the #metoo movement is so important.

      • Not Adahn

        Isn’t that hard to get out of synthetic fur?

      • UnCivilServant

        He doesn’t remove the paint, he just re-paints himself green.

    • leon

      She’s upset they made sending nudes unsolicited illegal?

      • AlexinCT

        You got her phone number? I want to text her some pictures of my junk…

    • Hyperion

      So, let me just get this right. This @MeghanShelby supports sending of unsolicited nude photos? Am I getting this right? So if say Weinstein and Epstein just sent her a bunch of dick pics, she’d be totes OK with that?

      • SugarFree

        No, she is happy they banned dick pics, unhappy they legalized brass knuckles. She really means one step forward, one step back, but landed on the cliche instead of writing something that wasn’t confusing.

      • SugarFree

        I assume articles are being written about the scourge of “assault knuckles.”

      • Nephilium

        +1 roll of quarters loophole.

      • kinnath

        I’ll stick with the automatic knife that my Iowa Permit to Carry Weapons allows me to carry concealed.

      • Nephilium

        I’m not sure about if the Ohio concealed carry permit allows for the carrying of weapons other then a gun. I have at least one friend from back in the day who got to take a ride to the station because he had a “concealed weapon” in his car.

        It was one of those giveaway mini-baseball bats that they hand out at some MLB games, it had rolled under the seat in his car. In fairness, him (and his three passengers) were all SHARPS, and not well inclined to a cordial encounter with police.

      • kinnath

        The Iowa permit is not a conceal carry permit. It literally is a permit to carry weapons in places where weapons are prohibited (basically any incorporated area in the state).

      • Don Escaped Texas

        I’m pretty sure TN is a gun-only permit.

        My point about TX, as always, is that they’re mostly comprised of unprincipled chickenshit: the cowboy state can’t decide whether to be bad-asses or church ladies.

      • Not Adahn

        If you haven’t seen it, find a way to watch Greater Tuna

      • SugarFree

        “Knuckles with the pinkie that goes up.”

      • commodious spittoon

        You got my dick pick!

      • Hyperion

        Knuckles are still OK until they start making them black. If they are black and with a pinky that goes up, and have more than 10 fingers, then assault knuckles, must be banned.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        When they ban brass knuckles…only 1930’s Mafia hitmen will possess brass knuckles.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Wait…Texas legalized Brass Knuckles?

      Y’alls a couple years behind Arizona, but welcome to the club Texas.

    • Lord Humungus

      BAN EVERYTHING! Safety utopia achieved.

  31. commodious spittoon

    I used to think sex is something lovely, or sometimes funny. Now I see it’s neither. It’s horrible and macabre.

    • Crusty Juggler

      The next time you are with a woman after having one or two too many cocktails you will be tempted to say, “daddy wants your ass mouth”

      • commodious spittoon

        *garden shear castration*

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I was waiting for Lizzie to grab Bernie’s coin purse and give a strong twist.

      • Not Adahn

        Would it tear off, snap off, or pop off, do ya think?

      • Mad Scientist

        crumble

      • Democratic Hitler

        See the Bernie speedbag video for the result.

      • AlexinCT

        You should never go ass to mouth, brah…

      • Lord Humungus

        not even if you ::gulp:: love her?

      • AlexinCT

        The exception that makes the rule?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Prude.

  32. leon

    I’m pretty sure I only made it through because at some point my brain started to refuse to process the input coming from my eyes.

  33. SugarFree

    If you haven’t already, read that link under the banner. Unlikable harridans wondering what people don’t like about an unlikable harridan. Some prime delusional thinking.

    • Crusty Juggler

      Warren doesn’t need to have the “charming” drawl of Bill Clinton or the self-deprecating humor Barack Obama to be charismatic. Warren’s charisma comes from her passion to tweak some of the most harmful status quos of American society. And at a time when everything feels on the brink, that kind of charisma is just fine.

      She because she isn’t charismatic in the traditional sense doesn’t mean she doesn’t have charisma. It’s there.

    • Nephilium

      /hovers over link

      /sees Jezebel.

      Nope. I’ll ready your stuff, but I will not subject my brain to Jezebel. I mean, I have some limits.

      • SugarFree

        It’s a good hate-read, but I honestly understand your position.

      • Hyperion

        I’m going to comment on that article.

        “I would love someone to explain this to me like I’m five: What, exactly, is “off-putting” about Warren’s campaigning style?”

        OK. She’s a fucking commie. There ya go. /the end

      • Rhywun

        she, despite going after corporate institutions, describes herself as a capitalist to her bones.

        Catch up.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        What are you going to believe? Her or your lying eyes and ears?

      • Mad Scientist

        If someone doesn’t understand what’s off-putting about Warren, I can only assume they behave in nearly the same way.

      • Nephilium

        And it’s everyone else’s fault that people don’t respect their beauty, intelligence, great sense of humor, and personality. I’m sure that they’ll also tell you how they have all of these things over and over.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        You’re talking about the “lecture the adults at Thanksgiving dinner” millenial sect.

      • Hyperion

        Nephilium does have a point about it being Jezebel.

        “I MEAN CLEARLY SHE’S OFF-PUTTING SHE DOESN’T HAVE A PENIS AND IS SPEAKING IN PUBLIC.”

    • wdalasio

      I would love someone to explain this to me like I’m five: What, exactly, is “off-putting” about Warren’s campaigning style?

      Policy aside, it’s the utter stridency and presumption of superiority she exudes. No, sorry to break this to you, but it isn’t her vagina. I found John Kerry insufferable in much the same way. In contrast, even though I also find a lot to object to in her policies, I don’t find much objectionable in Tulsi Gabbard’s campaigning style.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s the condescension. Obama had that as well, but he slathered it with the warm fuzzies.

      • kinnath

        No, Obama gave everyone Plastic Fuzzies.

    • Suthenboy

      If you have to tell people you are charismatic, that you are not off-putting……

      Good Lord. They are going to lose so badly.

  34. Hyperion

    SHOCK POLL!

    So, according the the Drudge headline, this poll proves that all leading Dem candidates are at least 9 points ahead of Trump at this time. I don’t think they have really learned anything. I’m just going to speculate here some, but. I’m guessing that due to the left and dem’s insane behavior since the last election, including harassing people at restaurants, made up sexual harassment accusations, calling everyone Nazis who don’t agree with them, etc, that right wing, Republican, and Trump supporters are going to be much, much less likely to respond to polling than they were before, when every single poll had Hillary up by at least 8 points during the entire 2016 campaign, right up to the election. Just sayin, these polls are not worth a shit for anything.

    • Lord Humungus

      Meh – it’s too damn early to tell anything from polls, which are notoriously shitty. A lot of people don’t like Trump because he’s uncouth, a bore, etc, and want the generic “any guy” in.

      The campaigning, attack ads, etc haven’t ramped up yet.

      • Hyperion

        I’ll stand by my point. Many Trump or even non-leftist voters have a strong distrust of the media, and it’s getting worse by the day because of the left’s total insanity, and they associate polsters with the media. So the polls will never be anyway near accurate, probably forever.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        except Rush, Hannity, Carlson, and Beck, who are totes rational and reliable

      • Hyperion

        Carlson is OK, though I’m not a fan at all. I can’t stand the other 3 you mentioned.

      • wdalasio

        The difference is that none of those guys hold themselves out as “All the News That’s Fit to Print” or “That’s the Way it Is”. They’re opinion-mongers and don’t make much pretense of being the objective voice of truth. If you’re tuning in to Rush or Carlson, you aren’t making much pretense that the those who aren’t are uninformed (although maybe uninformed in additional details not covered elsewhere). I see what Hyperion is saying. If I got a poll from Rush Limbaugh, I’d assume it was conservatively biased and would answer based on whether I wanted to back the conservatives on some issue or set of issues. I wouldn’t hold it against them because I felt they had betrayed the standards they were holding forth and expecting me to defer to. The major media would be a different story.

      • Lord Humungus

        I’ve already said this before – I think Trump will lose. Power of the media, his own boorishness, and the hungry, hungry hippos for some of that sweet welfare that most Americans crave.

        But, to be fair, I’m notoriously bad at predictions, as more people are. Too many variables: the Democrat’s nominee personality, the state of the economy, how much TDS is now ingrained, popular media, blue collar turnout, a war or two, who is leading Trump’s re-election campaign, etc.

      • kinnath

        blue collar turnout,

        Hillary told roughly one third of the democratic base that they were evil fucking deplorables.

        Enough of them voted for Trump that he carried Iowa, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania.

        There is not a single fucking Dem candidate that is going after those voters.

        I don’t see Trump losing to anyone in the current list of Dem front-runners.

      • Suthenboy

        “Hillary told roughly one third of the democratic base that they were evil fucking deplorables…..There is not a single fucking Dem candidate that is going after those voters.”

        The left in general is still denigrating those same people. In their version of identity politics the fly-over deplorables are deplorable and it is acceptable to use those voters as a boogey man or a punching bag. It is a genius strategy really.

      • Florida Man

        I think I’ll place a bet on this election if they don’t have Trump as the favorite. I mean Obama was re-elected with a moribund economy and trust in the media is at 2%. Unless the economy tanks or his passes gun control, I think he gets re-elected.

      • Pan Zagloba

        Ladbrokes was offering 11-10 odds on Trump (for every $10 you put in, you get $11 plus your stake), which is better than even.

        Sadly, they don’t have the “Trump loses” bet or I’d take it in a flash. Last I looked, i was considering a 30-20-20 split between Biden (6-1), Harris (6-1) and Warren (13-5 I think it was), but I’m only feeling Joe this time around and Democrats are mercurial.

      • Florida Man

        Why wouldn’t they have a trump loses bet?

      • Pan Zagloba

        No clue, but it wasn’t on their US Presidential Election site (which I had to use a search engine and a link from news story to find).

        Ladbrokes is not friendly to n00bs, alas. Or, more likely, they focus on their core competencies (football and horses, with sprinkling of other sports).

      • Democratic Hitler

        I’m making zero predictions anywhere along the way, but I gotta believe that the Democrats “borders schmorders” immigration stance isn’t exactly winning over blue-collar voters, middle America, or pretty much anyone outside Hollywood.

      • Hyperion

        Incumbents are never easy to beat. Also, the dems are going to double down on all of their bullshit including hating white people. It’s not going to go well for them.

      • Rebel Scum

        You should have seen Brian Stelter’s super-serious face while a “psychiatrist” guest proceeded to word vomit about Trump killing more people that Hitler, Stalin, and Mao combined. “Reliable Sources”…

      • Not Adahn

        He is claiming that there was a technical malfunction and he couldn’t hear what was being said.

      • UnCivilServant

        “My biases were being validated, I wasn’t concerned about optics, and I never regard facts” /Stelter

      • commodious spittoon

        THE POLLS ARE TOO DAMN EARLY

      • Lord Humungus

        THE RENT POLE IS TOO DAMN HIGH!

      • Rhywun
    • grrizzly

      I’ve already said this before. A candidate running on reparations will not become President. All democrats but Biden favor reparations. GOPe would be scared shitless to bring up this issue but Trump will and should. The message should be: Want to pay reparations? Vote Democrat!

      • Hyperion

        He has a lot more than that. Support of open borders and giving illegals free healthcare along with reparations should be far more than enough to doom the democrats. But they’ll do much more, just give them the rope and watch them in action.

    • kinnath

      This is the video SF posted under his article above.

      • Nephilium

        Now we need to read the article and watch the video?

        /flips over laptop

      • Florida Man

        *strips broken laptop for rare earth metals*

    • Lord Humungus

      something Cleveland Browns something shot something drugs something snatch something Tesla something Walmart

      • Nephilium

        Do you need me to pick you up a Browns Victory Fridge?

    • Private Chipperbot

      Is Lou Reed aware of this development?

    • Spudalicious

      I don’t click SF or HM links.

  35. Fourscore

    Its not porn when SF presents it in this literary venue. Glad this doesn’t come before bedtime though, I need my sleep.

    It was very moving, you are a credit to your…hhhmmm, oh-oh-oh, genre.

  36. The Hyperbole

    Fapping to this is much less difficult than I imagined it would be.

    • Lord Humungus

      This is a “one fap” story, not something to return to like a favorite song or book.

      • SugarFree

        “His refappability score had reached all-time lows at the close of fapping Wednesday.”

  37. Florida Man

    Slow news day? CNN is interviewing a hurricane survivor about Dorian. As if surviving a hurricane makes you a weather expert. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve been through and I have nothing to add other than get your supplies early or get out early.

    • Private Chipperbot

      It hasn’t been a hurricane over land yet, has it? AFAIK none of the islands has received a 75mph gust. I’ve been watching like a hawk on the Dupage site

      • Hyperion

        We’re going to have to upgrade tropical storms… and maybe just storms to hurricane status, or the deniers are going to get all emboldened and start to actually not believe our dire prognostications.

      • Private Chipperbot

        It was already done with TD Erin. There is no way 25 years ago they would have named that a storm. Got to get the numbers up. The NOAA can’t even list a windfield for it.

      • Florida Man

        Being in central Florida I don’t really pay that close attention. I keep supplies year round. I may pickup a few extra canned goods and charcoal, but that’s it.

      • Private Chipperbot

        This is a small storm. As long as its hits north of you, you’ll be bbqing as it goes by.

      • Hyperion

        It’s you are your charcoal, you denier, that is causing all these unprecedented sto… err, I mean hurricanes.

    • Rebel Scum

      CNN has proven to be perpetually retarded and/or mendacious. They are just feeding the climate hysteria narrative.

      get your supplies early or get out early

      Yup. We have a generally good idea where these things are going these days. Just pay attention to the forecast.

  38. Democratic Hitler

    My commentary on the article is: thankfully the descriptions only assaulted three of my five senses.

    • R C Dean

      Your sense of decency, etc?

  39. The Late P Brooks

    If you haven’t already, read that link under the banner. Unlikable harridans wondering what people don’t like about an unlikable harridan. Some prime delusional thinking.

    Wearisome concern is not charismatic. It’s tedious.

  40. robc

    Speaking of hurricanes, can anyone give any advice, since it looks like I will be moving to an area in the hurricane target zone.

    My history is that a few days later, we get rain. Plus Ike knocked out my power for a week. It might have still been hurricane winds when it got to Kentucky.

    • Florida Man

      You mean supply advice or when to evacuate?

      • robc

        Yes.

      • Florida Man

        Cat 4 & 5 is when I take hurricanes seriously. If you live on the coast I’d include Cat 3. For supplies you want an alternative heat source, gas or charcoal grill, gas burner. Lots of canned goods, back up generator for fridge, flashlights, radio, batteries for both. Board games, cards. Cook and eat as much perishable foods before the storm hits. Gas up your cars a few days before the storm. Know your evacuation routes and shelters before the storm. Charge your phones and have backup chargers. Place cash, important documents and medications in plastic bags inside of a small bag with clothes in case you need to evacuate. Board windows the day before if you don’t have shutters. Most importantly, don’t wait to the last minute to either prep or evacuate. Idiots running around right before landfall are your greatest threats.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        What is your suggestion for orphans? I don’t like losing well trained orphans but I really don’t think they should be in the house.

      • Florida Man

        They’ll be plenty of orphans wandering around in shock after the storm. Don’t worry about it.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s also highly dependent on area. A Cat 3 hitting the Hampton Roads metro would be an utter catastrophe because of felled trees and general unpreparedness.

        Where you headed?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Ah, I see below.

        Look up Hurricane Hugo for a reference.

      • robc

        I remember Hugo.

        I was in Atlanta at the time.

  41. The Late P Brooks

    But, to be fair, I’m notoriously bad at predictions, as more people are. Too many variables: the Democrat’s nominee personality, the state of the economy, how much TDS is now ingrained, popular media, blue collar turnout, a war or two, who is leading Trump’s re-election campaign, etc.

    “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”

  42. The Late P Brooks

    Fried-egg-and-ham-and-swiss-cheese sammich. On a brioche. Something different, for a change.

    Delicious.

  43. robc

    SAT dropping the “adversity score” after a backlash.

    One thing going the right way.

    • SugarFree

      Assuming they dropped it rather than just planning to apply it without telling anyone.

  44. robc

    We have any Charleston, SC area glibs?

    I have accepted a job offer in that area.

    • Democratic Hitler

      Not me but congrats on the new job.

    • Tundra

      Beautiful spot! Congrats!

      • robc

        A house I am targeting (or the area near it) is about 15 min commute to work and 10 min to the beach. Those both work for me.

      • Tundra

        No shit!

        Happy for you dude!

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        Nice Rob! Congrats.

    • Nephilium

      Congrats on the new job. May your move go smoothly.

      • robc

        It hasnt, already. I am going to write up an anti-product post at some point.

    • Florida Man

      They call it the low country for a reason. Expect flooding with any large storms.

      • robc

        The area I am looking at is 16′ above sea level. Surely that would be safe.

      • Florida Man

        The city proper has a problem with flooding. My dad went to MUSC and it would flood with normal rain.

      • robc

        I did one of the ghost tours when I was on vacation there in 2001. I remember them talking about the lower areas of the old jail that flooded.

      • Private Chipperbot

        Yup. Be sure to know if you’re in the flood plain and how much that’s going to add to your monthly housing payment.

    • Florida Man

      Also, Charleston only has 1 road to evac out. 26, I think. Leave super early if you are going to run for it.

    • R C Dean

      Awesome. Visited Charleston for the first time earlier this year. Really enjoyed it.

      We were there in the Spring. I got the distinct impression Summer will be ridiculously hot, humid, and buggy. But I am planning to go back someday. Just not in the Summer.

    • Florida Man

      If you like ice cream, ye olde fashioned ice cream is amazing.

    • Pine_Tree

      Not a native, but congratulations anyway. Pick up some crabs at Ravenel Fresh Seafood and take them home.

    • DEG

      Congratulations!

  45. The Late P Brooks

    We have any Charleston, SC area glibs?

    I understand there are many fine people, there.

    • Pan Zagloba

      Unless he sues in London, I’d expect a loss.

      • Ozymandias

        I don’t know – did you read to the end of the article? According to the lawyer who sent them the demand, Trump’s loan docs are publicly available and show only Trump as the guarantor on his properties. If MSNBC just ran it to continue their RUSSSIAAA!! and couldn’t be bothered to check publicly available documents, you might well get to NY Times standard on ‘malice’ – which includes being willfully blind to public docs that would prove it wrong. I mean, maybe, MAYBE, a lower court will say O’Donnell is such a blithering idiot that he and NBC get a pass, but I wouldn’t dismiss it so casually.

    • Ted S.

      I don’t think he wants to go through discovery.

      • R C Dean

        Ted get’s it in one.

      • Ted S.

        One should be able to sue for damages from apostrophe abuse.

      • Count Potato

        Thats an obvious tort.

      • Ozymandias

        See my comment above. If there are public docs that show it’s not true and MSNBC completely missed that in order to run “RUSSSIIIAAAA” I don’t think that’s nearly as easy as it seems. Discovery would pretty much consist of “There are the publicly available docs showing Trump is the only guarantor on the loans.” I mean, what are they going to do, demand that they get access to his entire life because there might somehow be a document in there that shows the Russians own him? Discovery isn’t that broad and if the docs are right there, plain as the nose on your face, they could be doing some backpedaling shortly. Or maybe not – who knows with these loons?

      • Tundra

        I just got caught up on your series.

        Fascinating and infuriating at the same time.

        Thanks for taking so much time to lay all of it out for us.

      • Ozymandias

        Thanks, Tundra. It’s my form of therapy for having lived it and now I’m inflicting my pain on all of you.

      • Ted S.

        Considering some of the nonsense justifications judges have used to overturn Trump’s executive orders, it wouldn’t surprise me if a judge lets overbroad discovery go ahead because principals over principles.

      • R C Dean

        Interesting. I think you could make a case that the real issue is malice or reckless disregard, in which case the relevant evidence is the publicly available info.

        Unfortunately, MSNBC can make a defense that what they said was actually true, in which case they can say they need to subpoena all of the Trump enterprise financial records.

        Of course, the counterargument would be that MSNBC’s specific claim is limited to the records supposedly revealed by their source, so that the only records that are relevant to that claim are the ones their source saw. Which forces them to cough up their source.

        Sadly, although I think the counterargument is stronger, I think it highly likely that a judge would approve the fishing expedition into all the Trump enterprise records.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        “rigorous”?

      • R C Dean

        Can I sue them for falsely claiming to have a “rigorous verification and standards process”?

      • Mad Scientist

        Hey, they have standards. Rigorous standards! They just don’t use them.

      • Ozymandias

        Evidently MSNBC’s lawyers saw it the same way I did and backed the fuck down, pronto.

        But yeah, the Media is totally credible. And Trump calling them enemies of the people is totes unjustified. And mean.

    • Count Potato

      ““As I said at the beginning of this hour, and I want to say this carefully: A source close to Deutsche Bank revealed to me — a single source close to Deutsche Bank — that Donald Trump’s tax returns show that he pays very little income tax, and more importantly, that his loans with Deutsche Bank have Russian co-signers,” said O’Donnell.”

      How is that a crime?

      • Rhywun

        ^^ Russian bot confirmed

      • Ozymandias

        To which thing are you referring, I’m sorry Count, I can’t tell what your “that” refers to. Short answer is there is no crime anywhere, the issue is whether they libeled him by O’Donnell reporting from some “source” that ROOOSSKIEESS!! are his co-signors, if – IF – as his lawyer has claimed that the docs are publicly avaliable and show as the only guarantor on those loans. IOW, if those assholes ran with a story because it suited their narrative WHEN a westlaw search could turn up the docs, that’s getting pretty damn near NY Times v. Sullivan standards of ‘malice’ – even for a public figure. I don’t know if a court wants to give thumbs up to this kind of irresponsibility. (Although the MAGA hat kid haz a sad.)

      • Count Potato

        I was referring to having Russian nationals co-sign a loan.

      • Ozymandias

        Nothing illegal about that at all that I know of, unless there’s currently some kind of OFAC prohibition on Russia like there is with Iran, but I don’t think there is.

      • grrizzly

        My partner should be safe: he only has a Russian mortgage co-borrower not a co-signer. Oh, wait! Is it even worse?

      • Rhywun

        Is fine, droog.

      • R C Dean

        Donald Trump’s tax returns show that he pays very little income tax,

        Could somebody in the banking biz comment on whether banks routinely get copies of lender’s tax returns? I don’t recall submitting them in connection with my mortgage(s). My hospital doesn’t have commercial loans (we do bonds), but it seems somewhat odd to me that a bank would demand tax records.

      • Ozymandias

        It’s a lie, that’s why. O’Donnell has already backpedaled on Twitter.

      • kinnath

        I think I had to provide tax returns when I refinanced my mortgage. My employers verification of payroll wasn’t enough.

      • R C Dean

        I wonder what privacy laws (or agreements) apply to tax returns given to banks as supporting documentation for loans.

      • leon

        I think I may have had to do a W2 or something.

    • Rhywun

      Julaine Holihan, of Baltimore, brought her children, ages 3 and 6, with her for the ride. She wanted to normalize nudity for them, and desexualize it.

      Nude Soviet Man is just around the corner.

      Idiots.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Seeing the people who want to go naked in public certainly desexualizes it for me.

      • B.P.

        They’re going to defeat biology through their powerful gestures.

  46. Hyperion

    Afternoon links could happen any moment now…. *prepares to fold time*

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      The minds of TPTB have been broken with this latest installment.

      *Looks for missing links downfall parody*

    • Count Potato

      Yikes!

    • Count Potato

      Maybe why Brett not doing links?

      • Juvenile Bluster

        He’s way north of here, so probably not, though there are other models that send it that way.

        https://i.imgur.com/W4YN6cp.png

        But the Euro one is the most reliable.

      • Florida Man

        That’s a paddlin’ Jacksonville.

  47. Count Potato

    ““Things that were frozen for thousands of years, and that they’re going to get into our water, and that humans could contract them, and they’re going to be diseases that are thousands of years old that have vectors that we are not prepared for, that we have never seen,” she said, continuing, “Um…and so that’s a concern…Even if there are no diseases frozen at all in these glaciers, you have diseases that are spread by mosquitoes, and now mosquitoes are starting to fly further north that carry diseases like malaria, and a whole slew of other things.””

    She was smoked up and watching that John Carpenter movie.

    • Hyperion

      Umm, so bacteria or viruses can survive under frozen glaciers for thousands of years? Just asking. I mean, I know they can survive those conditions for a long time, but thousands of years?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Even so, these were bacteria that were around before antibiotics. Would those bacteria have immunity against modern antibiotics?

      • Hyperion

        They magically mutated by just anticipating thawing out in 10 thousand years and killing a bunch of 21st century humans. IOW, someone is just making shit up.

      • R C Dean

        Would those bacteria have immunity against modern antibiotics?

        Unlikely, Antibiotics are poison to microbes. Microbes can evolve a resistance to them over time, but ancient microbes wouldn’t have evolved a resistance to something that didn’t exist when they were around.

      • Hyperion

        Progs are fucking stupid people. But they just love science. I mean to prove it, they will just ignore established science about things like the safety of GMOs, established by, you know, scientists, and instead believe a book written by some eastern mystic hippy without any scientific training at all.

      • leon

        But… Like those chemicals always existed. We’re like all made of stars.

      • Hyperion

        I’m going to start the newest and biggest cult of all. We’re all made of stardust. We’ll tall take names from the prophet, Stardust. I will be known as Ziggy Stardust… what, that’s been taken? Shit.

      • Count Potato

        I know viruses can, bacterial spores maybe? Still, there aren’t going to human pathogens where there weren’t people.

      • Hyperion

        I head that anthrax spores could survive buried in the ground for 100 years. But I’ve heard no claim of anything surviving frozen for thousands of years.

      • Suthenboy

        Back in the early ’90s the Limeys were excavating a medieval mass grave (dumbasses) and a bunch of the excavators (mostly archaeology students) came down with anthrax. That shit had been in the ground, not frozen, for over 1000 years.

        Back in my biology days I remember reading about a virus researcher who was trying to put together the largest (to date) collection of viruses. She discovered that dipping into deep ocean water she could find more viruses than there are possible hosts for. The conclusion was that those viruses had been sitting in deep still water long after their hosts were extinct…so possibly viruses from tyrannosauruseses and god knows what other ancient creatures.

        Never underestimate the tenacity of life, particularly nasty forms that we would rather not be around. Think of it as a kind of Murphy’s law of biology.

      • Hyperion

        “Back in the early ’90s the Limeys were excavating a medieval mass grave (dumbasses) and a bunch of the excavators (mostly archaeology students) came down with anthrax. That shit had been in the ground, not frozen, for over 1000 years.”

        I don’t buy it, at all.

        This is more accurate for sure.

        “The spores of Bacillus anthracis persist in the environment for a really long time. How long? It’s not totally clear. The U.S. National Response Team, gives a vague but practical estimate of >40 years in the soil. That said, since the NIAID classifies Bacillus anthracis as a Category A Priority Pathogen, there has been some fairly-recent research into various aspects of B. anthracis biology.

        In fact, most specific questions you might have about the persistence of B. anthracis spores are answered in this very thorough review from a group at the University of Arizona. For example, B. anthracis spores survive in pond water 2-18 years (depending on who you choose to believe, see Table 7), whereas they survive in sewage just an unimpressive 16 months. They even have the survival of B. anthracis in orange juice heated to 70°C (158°F) (it depends on the strain, see Table 6. One strain made it 1.36 hours, which is pretty impressive!). In soil, unfortunately, they survive 40-60 years or more (again, see Table 7 of the paper I linked to).”

        No way it survives 1000s of years outside the host.

      • Suthenboy

        I am not theorizing. I am just telling you what happened.

      • Count Potato

        If you are ever in the Caribbean, don’t pick up hermit crabs. They like to frequent graveyards.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Sounds like the plot of Doomsday Book. Minus the time travel, of course.

    • kinnath

      The real threat is genetically modified organisms that were carried back in time using a time machine and then embedded in glaciers so they would be exposed during global warming.

    • Suthenboy

      Glaciers move and end up in the sea. Those bugs are coming whether the glacier melts or not.

      • Hyperion

        Let’s pay $30 a pint for magical healthy glacial melt water, but it’s going to kill you because it’s infested with magical pathogens. Makes sense.

      • Mad Scientist

        History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of men.

      • Tundra
      • Suthenboy

        I should have said the bugs are coming whether the glaciers melt in place or not. They are going to eventually reach the sea and melt.

        This is more hysteria invented by grifters to panic people about their global warming scam. Quick, quick, don’t think about it just get out your checkbook! Otherwise doom is upon us!

        Zero fucking evidence for this claim. They just made it up. Science!

    • Florida Man

      It’s my understanding that viruses and bacteria coevolve with their target host. So if these bacteria predate humans, I doubt they would be infectious. If they are only 1000 years old, they wouldn’t be much of a threat if they couldn’t wipeout our malnourished fore bearers.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Don’t misunderestimate the enemy. They’ve been huddled up in their cozy little spore packages, just waitin’ fer the oppertunity to strike.

      • Suthenboy

        Human pathogen are always bugs that havent been introduced to humans before. At first they are exceedingly deadly if they can infect humans because humans have no resistance. Over time the bugs evolve towards benignity because killing off the host too quickly kills the bugs too. Over that same time humans evolve towards resistance. After enough time a symbiotic relationship is established. We have millions of bugs living in our guts symbiotically and presumably at one time or another each was a deadly pathogen to our ancestors. Those relationships were established probably back long before humanoids were around and we have just carried them along with us as we evolved.

        That is the prevailing theory anyway.

  48. Rufus the Monocled

    Bernie fucking Warren in the ass and shit all over his dick is where you took me.

    Thanks.

    Thanks a lot.

  49. The Late P Brooks

    IF – as his lawyer has claimed that the docs are publicly avaliable and show as the only guarantor on those loans

    Would those loan documents be part of Trump’s corporate (? no idea how Trump Properties or whatever they call themselves are structured) financial statements?

    • Suthenboy

      I wouldn’t get too excited. If publicly available docs disprove it then MSNBC just invented that out of thin air. More Russia hoax hysteria.

      They want it to be true so badly that they actually believe it. They made another imaginary claim that just has to be true….it just has to be!

  50. leon

    Ozzy, I finally fished up yesterday’s article. As always great work and I enjoy the in-depth background we are getting.

    • Ozymandias

      I think it’s kind of necessary to understand that stuff in order to comprehend the trial and everything that happened, but I’m glad folks here appreciate that stuff ‘cuz it’s kinda dry compared to narrative.

  51. R C Dean

    Somebody else can’t be arsed to do the least bit of research before publishing a scare story.

    The U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) just issued a new policy guidance stating that the federal government “no longer considers children of U.S. government employees and U.S. armed forces members residing outside the United States as ‘residing in the United States’ for purposes of acquiring citizenship.” The new policy statement also “clarifies” that “temporary visits to the United States do not establish U.S. residence.”

    I can’t imagine making him or my mother-in-law jump through legal hoops to make sure their sons were citizens, but apparently that’s going to be the case going forward.

    First, saying that people living outside the US aren’t living in the US seems . . . uncontroversial?

    From wiki:

    A child is automatically granted citizenship if:[2][3]

    Both parents were U.S. citizens at the time of the child’s birth;
    The parents are married; and
    At least one parent lived in the United States prior to the child’s birth. INA 301(c) and INA 301(a)(3) state, “and one of whom has had a residence.”
    The FAM (Foreign Affairs Manual) states “no amount of time specified.”

    A person’s record of birth abroad, if registered with a U.S. consulate or embassy, is proof of citizenship. They may also apply for a passport or a Certificate of Citizenship as proof of citizenship.

    So, if you are married, you have essentially zero additional paperwork to get your kids recognized as US citizens. If you aren’t married, your illegitimate offspring are not US citizens. This does not strike me a a looming disaster.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      There Trump goes, pissing on John McCain’s grave again.

      • Suthenboy

        Well he is the president so I assume I have to get in line behind him.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Or you could just aim higher so the parabolic trajectory aims over Trump’s head.

      • Pan Zagloba

        Why would you endanger The Hat and The Hair in such a manner? 🙁

    • leon

      The Romans had to deal with this. Done legionnaires were not allowed to get married, all their kids were illegitimate. But there were large contingents of Iberian people who petitioned the Senate for citizenship because their fathers were Romans.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      So, if you are married, you have essentially zero additional paperwork to get your kids recognized as US citizens. If you aren’t married, your illegitimate offspring are not US citizens. This does not strike me a a looming disaster.

      It’s not as clear cut as that. As per Sec. 309 of the Immigration and Naturalization Act:

      Birth Abroad Out-of-Wedlock to a U.S. Citizen Father – “New” Section 309(a)
      A person born abroad out-of-wedlock to a U.S. citizen father may acquire U.S. citizenship under Section 301(g) of the INA, as made applicable by the “new” Section 309(a) of the INA provided:

      A blood relationship between the person and the father is established by clear and convincing evidence;
      The father had the nationality of the United States at the time of the person’s birth;
      The father was physically present in the United States or its outlying possessions prior to the child’s birth for five years, at least two of which were after reaching the age of 14.
      The father (unless deceased) has agreed in writing to provide financial support for the person until the person reaches the age of 18 years, and
      While the person is under the age of 18 years —
      the person is legitimated under the law of his/her residence or domicile,
      the father acknowledges paternity of the person in writing under oath, or
      the paternity of the person is established by adjudication of a competent court.
      Birth Abroad Out-of-Wedlock to a U.S. Citizen Father – “Old” Section 309(a) of the INA- A child born out-of-wedlock to a U.S. citizen father may acquire U.S. citizenship under the former Section 301(a)(7) of the INA as made applicable by the “old” Section 309(a) of the INA if the U.S. citizen father, prior to the child’s birth, had been physically present in the United States or one of its outlying possessions for ten years, five of which were after the age of 14, and if the paternity of the child had been established by legitimation prior to the child reaching the age of 21. The “old” Section 309(a) of the INA is applicable to individuals who were 18 on November 14, 1986 and to individuals whose paternity had been established by legitimation prior to that date. Individuals who were at least 15 on November 14, 1986, but under the age of 18, could opt to have their claim determined in accordance with the provisions of either the “old” or the “new” Section 309(a).

      Birth Abroad Out-of-Wedlock to a U.S. Citizen Mother:
      A person born abroad out-of-wedlock to a U.S. citizen mother may acquire U.S. citizenship under Section 309(c) of the INA if the mother was a U.S. citizen at the time of the person’s birth and if the mother was physically present in the United States or one of its outlying possessions for a continuous period of one year prior to the person’s birth. The U.S. citizen mother must be the genetic or the gestational mother and the legal parent of the child under local law at the time and place of the child’s birth to transmit U.S. citizenship.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Upon further research, that is all moot. The distinction of wedlock in the INA was superceded by the Child Citizenship Act of 2000 in which:

        A child born outside of the United States automatically becomes a U.S. citizen when all of the following conditions have been met on or after February 27, 2001:
        • The child has at least one parent, including an adoptive parent who is a U.S. citizen by
        birth or through naturalization;
        • The child is under 18 years of age;
        • The child is a lawful permanent resident (LPR); and
        • The child is residing in the United States in the legal and physical custody of the U.S.
        citizen parent.

      • R C Dean

        I like that better. Among other things, it makes the class of kids who the “new” policy would apply to much smaller than it would otherwise appear – basically the kids of US government employees, when neither parent is a citizen.

        Plus, looks like wiki is wrong. I shoulda known.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        I agree. I find nothing objectionable in those requirements. It’s quite fair.

      • R C Dean

        I think the upshot is that government employees (including military) have been getting “deemed” citizenship status for their spawn through the fiction of being in the US when they actually weren’t.

        Now they have to jump through the same hoops as us lumpenproles. If you are married, it looks pretty easy. If you aren’t, there’s more paperwork and hoops.

        I thought this was interesting:

        The U.S. citizen mother must be the genetic or the gestational mother and the legal parent of the child under local law at the time and place of the child’s birth

        So a surrogate mother can claim citizenship for someone else’s genetic offspring, as long as she is the legal parent of the child. In this country, surrogate mothers are legal parents for a very short period of time, with the genetic parents essentially adopting the kid immediately upon delivery. No idea how other countries handle this, but if they handle it like we do, that kid would be a US citizen.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        If you are married, it looks pretty easy.

        Having gone through this very thing circa 2006, I can say when dealing with DoS bureaucracy “easy” is a relative term. In fact, the application for my daughter’s Consular Report of Birth Abroad (CRBA) was denied at first with a request for further documentation. That is worthy of a post, in and of itself.

        No idea how other countries handle this

        I was just watching a documentary about a surrogate mother. At the time she bore twins for a French gay couple, surrogacy was illegal in France. In order to get the children citizenship in France, the couple told the mother to go along with a story that she cheated on her husband with one of them and got knocked up. And she wants to give custody to the dude because her she is afraid that her husband will harm them.

      • grrizzly

        I watched a documentary once about a Belgian gay couple residing in France. They found a surrogate mother in Ukraine. There was a lot of drama including relatives of one of the guys being arrested on the Belorussian-Polish border whey they tried to smuggle the child to Belgium. The child spent at least a year or two in foster homes in various corners of Ukraine. Also, Belgium didn’t recognize the child as a Belgian citizen. I think at the end the child arrived to Belgium/France but they guys were already close to breaking up due to the stress of the whole affair.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Just looking it up now, I was very surprised to learn that surrogacy is banned in the majority of Europe, whereas it seems that the states that comprised the former USSR and a handful of US states are the most friendly.

    • grrizzly

      Why are you surprised? When a hypothetical situation of Barack Obama’s birth outside of the U.S. was discussed in the last 12 years, many people published stories without any understanding of how children born abroad would be recognized as U.S. citizens. If they didn’t bother to educate themselves then, why would they bother now?

  52. DEG

    The belly button as the most Socialist of orifices makes sense, but I can’t wrap my head around saliva being the most Socialist of lubes. Why?

    • KSuellington

      It’s freeeeeeeeee!

      • Florida Man

        I thought it’s because it’s advertised to work as well as astroglide, but it is a lie.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Don’t overthink it. That way lies madness.

    • R C Dean

      “From each according to his abilities”

      Everybody can spit, so everybody can provide this particular lube. Very egalitarian.

      • DEG

        Ahhh… I get it.

        I had the stupidity of fucking the wrong orifice (belly button) in my mind. It gave me a sort of tunnel vision.

    • Pan Zagloba

      It is the most shared one?

    • B.P.

      From each according to his (oral) ability to each according to his need.

  53. The Late P Brooks

    Trouble in River City

    Zogby was specifically referencing voters from Irish, Italian, Polish, Eastern Central European, Arab, and Armenian-American communities highly concentrated in the Midwest.

    “I am frustrated beyond belief at the sheer neglect of the constituencies I represent,” he added.

    Zogby’s chief concern—raised by several other current DNC members who spoke with The Daily Beast—is that the Trump campaign is already reaching swing voters while the Democratic Party is overwhelmingly focused on expanding their existing base.

    “There’s a general unease right now among operatives and others who believe the DNC is not doing enough to build out the infrastructure before the next election,” one DNC member said, who requested to speak anonymously about internal party conversations.

    “There’s a deep concern that while we’re turned inwards, the Trump campaign is already out there talking to general election voters.”

    “Nobody I know voted for Trump. How the fuck did he win that election?”

    • Suthenboy

      ” the Democratic Party is overwhelmingly focused on expanding their existing base.”

      Trannies, illegals, community organizers and felons? They cant lose.

    • R C Dean

      Trump is doing what incumbents do – running his general election campaign while the opposition is squabbling among themselves over who gets the nom.

      The only thing that may be unique about this election cycle is that the Dems are in such a race to capture the approval of the hard left that they may not be able to pivot to the center for the general election. And Trump is just the guy to hammer them relentlessly with their declared support for open borders, free healthcare for immigrants, abortion until the umbilical cord is cut, higher taxes, more regulation, no more private health insurance, and of course more gun control, lots more gun control.

      • R C Dean

        Oh, and reparations for blacks, and I recall at least one candidate supporting reparations for gays.

      • Suthenboy

        Clown car….ship of fools…whatever. You are correct. They are either going to fail at trying to pivot back the the center or not bother trying. If you crawl far enough out on a limb it is going to break.

        Reparations for gays? For blacks? What about the Irish? The Italians? Any historically disfavored group? Before long we will all be due preparations and there wont be anyone to pay them.

      • B.P.

        Get ready for an endless stream of “Trump asserted, without evidence…” when he brings all of this up next year.

      • R C Dean

        Probably, even though their support for all of that has been repeated on camera and in writing.

      • Suthenboy

        The first problem is that they are all on video asserting those positions. The second problem is that it wont matter to voters. Trump voters are going to vote Trump and anti-Trump voters will vote against him no matter who the opponent is or how awful they are.
        The election is already carved in stone. No one is going to change their minds barring some incredible disaster for Trump.

      • R C Dean

        Trump voters are going to vote Trump and anti-Trump voters will vote against him no matter who the opponent is or how awful they are.

        I think there’s still a tranche of “undecideds” who will make an impulsive and uninformed decision a few days before the election. Its probably smaller this go-round, but is also probably still big enough to swing the election.

  54. The Late P Brooks

    Simpleton sailing savior

    The teenager has a knack for making the complicated issue of climate change sound simple. For that she credits being on the autism spectrum, calling it a gift because it helps her see issues more starkly.

    “If burning fossil fuels was so bad that it threatened our very existence, how could we just continue like before? Why were there no restrictions? Why wasn’t it made illegal?” she asked in her TED Talk.

    A teenage girl with knack for simplistic hysteria? What an oddity.

    • Fatty Bolger

      “If heresy threatened our immortal souls, how could we just continue like before? Whey were there no reprisals? Why weren’t the heretics burned?”

    • R C Dean

      If burning fossil fuels was so bad that it threatened our very existence . . .

      Yeah, if that were true, a lot of things would be different.

    • Rhywun

      I guess there are worse things that world teen-dom could be wasting their time on than the Church of Greta.

      Still—OFFS!

  55. The Hyperbole

    So this is it huh? No more links, no more Glibs. Well it was a good run, you guys going to go back to the before time place or just give up on this libertarian thing and go straight to commenting at Breitbart?

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Aren’t you being a bit hyperbolic?

      • The Hyperbole

        Should I have said Stormfront?

    • Mad Scientist

      Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us.