Subaru Horror Theater Vol, 10: Dream Big

by | Sep 4, 2019 | Literature, Subaru Horror Theatre, SugarFree | 471 comments

 

“Push her,” her father said.

“Daaaaaad,” Emily said. “Don’t even joke about that.”

“Push her off the mountain,” her father said, without a trace of humor. Unconsciously, she drew her younger sister closer and wrapped both arms around her.

“Do what your father says, dear,” her mother said. “Your sister is only six. There’s plenty of time for us to have another.”

“Emily?” her sister asked, tipping her head back to look up at her sister.

“Dad’s just being silly, Sarah,” Emily told her, but she wasn’t able to keep the uncertainty out of her voice.

“It’ll be quick. Four, maybe five seconds. Look at those rocks down there,” her mother said.

“A little bit of terror and then nothingness. It will be a release,” her father said, in a low voice. A wind came down the peak that rose next to them and pushed the two sisters as if it was all part of the plan.

“Emily?” Sarah asked again, blubbering, face smeared with tears. Emily kissed the top of her sister’s blonde mop of hair.

“It’s just a joke, Shrimply,” Emily whispered into her ear.

“So you are going to pretend that you love her now?” her mother asked cruelly. “You were on your phone the whole ride up. You didn’t say one word to your sister or me or your father.”

Emily groaned and hunched over her sister protectively.

“Mom?” Emily whispered.

“We bought you that phone so we could contact you when we needed it, not for you to spend all your time with your face in it,” her mother said.

“Probably some boy,” her father said. “They always come sniffing around when the blood starts.”

A giant fist grabbed Emily’s stomach and squeezed. She wanted to vomit, to run, to scream. She was hugging her little sister so hard she thought she could hear the child’s bones creak. In her distraction, her mother darted forward and ripped her phone out of her hands.

“We’ll just see who is so important that you ignore your family,” her mother said, a nasty laugh bubbling up from deep within her.

“It’s lo…” Emily started and then made herself stop talking.

“Passcode?” her mother shrieked. “So you are hiding something!”

“Probably sending out pictures of herself to all them boys in her class,” her father said. “All her dirty parts on the internet.” Her father shook his head in disgust.

Sarah was crying so hard she could barely catch her breath, snot and tears running off her face to drip onto her sister’s arms. She didn’t even register the fact that Emily took two quick steps back from the edge of the cliff when their parents were poking at her phone.

“Passcode!” her father snapped.

“N-n-no,” Emily said.

“Now, or you both go over. Having an ugly kid with fucked up teeth is one thing, but I’m not letting a whore live in my house.”

“Both would be easier,” her mother said. She mimed talking on the phone, “Oh, God. I told them they were too close to the cliff. But she was trying to get a photo for her Instagram.”

“Passcode!” her father screamed.

“3-4-9-2,” Emily told him.

“Whore number,” her father muttered, jabbing the numbers into the phone.

“You’ll need my thumbprint,” Emily said, walking Sarah to them before they could object. They were three feet from the edge as she offered up her thumb and her father pressed the phone to it.

“Texts,” her mother said, looking over her father’s shoulder.

“No, pictures,” her father replied. “I want to see what she’s been sending out. What if the guys at work saw this shit? Cucked by my own daughter!”

Emily picked up Sarah and ran for the car, her shoes slapping against the ancient stone of the mountain. Sarah screamed in surprise.

“WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING, YOUNG LADY?!?” her father bellowed. It was the voice that had to be obeyed when you were a child. The “about to run out into traffic” voice, the “about to fall off the roof” voice. Her legs and feet tried to comply, tried to ignore her brain and stop running. Emily screamed and managed to keep going. She opened the driver’s side door and threw her sister in, her shoulders and back protesting and got in herself. Her parents had barely covered half the distance before she had the car locked.

“Out of that car, now!” her mother screeched.

Her father patted his pockets and then patted them again just as Emily started the car, twisting the keys he had left in the ignition.

“EMILY!” her father screamed.

She hadn’t even had her first driving lesson yet. Her father promised to take her on several occasions and always broke his word. She stepped on the brake with her left foot and shifted to drive. She was still crying, she could barely see, her parents were just screaming blobs getting closer.

“Get down there, Sarah,” she told her sister, pointing at the passenger floorboard. The girl, owl-eyed, slid down her seat bonelessly and curled into a tight ball.

“I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT!” Emily screamed, but her father kept coming.

She only hit him hard enough the first time to knock him down, backing up past her mother who shook with rage.

He stood, holding his ribs, his mouth red with blood. “I SHOULD HAVE STOMPED YOU OUT OF HER CUNT THE MOMENT SHE TOLD ME!’ her father shouted.

Emily felt like she was being stretched and stretched and stretched until something inside her went cold and calm.

The second time she hit him, he flew over the edge of the cliff, his rage turning to comical surprise.

Emily backed up again until she had her mother in front of the SUV. She watched her mother shake and gape her mouth open and close. There was a small part of Emily, way down deep, that was screaming, but it was easy to ignore.

“Stay here,” Emily told Sarah. She took the keys out of the ignition and locked the Aspect with the fob. She balled up the keys in her hand and walked over to her mother.

“What did you do? What did you do?” her mother asked on a loop.

“I killed him, Mom,” Emily said gently. “Right over the cliff he wanted me to throw Sarah off.” Emily felt better than she ever had.

“Maybe he…” her mother started.

“Yeah, maybe he’s alright,” Emily said. She took her mother’s trembling arm. “You want to go look?”

Her mother nodded like her head was on a spring. When she started walking toward the cliff, Emily plucked her phone from her mother’s nerveless fingers and put it in her jeans pocket.

Emily braced herself when she and her mother looked over the edge of the cliff. Her father was not alright. He landed on an upturned knife blade of rock and split in half. His head and arms and torso where further down cliff face than his legs.

“OH, GOD! OH, GOD!” her mother screamed. Emily swallowed a giggle that bubbled up her throat.

Her mother turned and grabbed her with both arms and yelled in her face, “What are we GOING TO DO?”

She didn’t have the rage and shock on her face like her husband when she fell, just a cow-like placidity and mild confusion. Emily looked over the edge of the cliff. Her mother had gone head-first into a crevasse and wedged there, her legs and feet in the air.

Emily took in the view from the cliff and thought about how beautiful the spot was. It would be a shame when they put in the signs and the railing. Or they might block it off altogether. She took a number of rapid deep breaths and dialed 911.

“My, my, my parents,” she stuttered, breathless and crying and with just the right amount of hysteria. “They were just trying to take a selfie! They fell! They fell!”

She walked back to the car, repeating the story and telling the dispatcher sort of where they were. She inspected the Aspect. It looked fine except for a nondescript dent in the front bumper and a couple of drops of blood on the hood. She licked her thumb and said, “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,” to the dispatcher as she wiped the blood away. She cleaned the blood off her thumb with a rock while cradling the phone to her ear with her shoulder and then threw the rock off the cliff.

“My phone battery,” she said before hanging up the phone, sounding distraught. She needed time to prep Sarah before emergency services arrived. Stupid parents die in a stupid accident. Maybe just tell Sarah to say nothing. Youngest daughter mute from shock.

The Subaru, her Subaru now, beep-blooped when she unlocked it.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

471 Comments

  1. Tulip

    I love Subaru Horror Theatre. Do you have a patreon account?

    • SugarFree

      No, but we do occasionally have fundraising drives for the operating costs of the site.

      • Sean

        Which, if I recall correctly, require going through the PayPal douchebags. An alternative would be appreciated.

      • The Hyperbole

        Send cash to :
        The Hyperbole
        1667 Superlative Blvd.
        Shangri-la, Utopia 85253

      • MikeS

        That address doesn’t sound right.

      • Gustave Lytton

        1313 Mockingbird Ln
        Mockingbird Heights, CA

      • MikeS

        *laughs loudly* *stomps feet*

      • Chafed

        What’s wrong with it? That’s where that nice Nigerian prince told me to send all my money.

      • Not Adahn

        I thought all Utopia ZIP codes started with 7?

  2. Sean

    *stands to applaud*

    Bravo!

  3. Tacit Rainbow

    Two in one day. This will definitely come up once they finish their manhunt and capture me.

    • Tulip

      Well yeah, we’re all getting red flagged.

      • Tacit Rainbow

        All along I knew it would be SugarFree that pushed everything over the edge.

  4. Spudalicious

    Yep. Off to pour myself a double.

  5. The Hyperbole

    Hilarious, Cracking, *Thumbs up emoji*, and what not.

      • Tres Cool

        No way you can beat this.

      • Hyperion

        He may be alright, but the girl in the beginning of the video definitely has a few screws loose. She was before her time, now she could be in the Senate.

      • LJW

        She’s Bernie Sanders?

      • Hyperion

        “She’s Bernie Sanders?”

        So you’re saying that Bernette got a free willy sewn on during the commie honeymoon? Makes sense.

      • Ted S.

        SOUTH AMERICA!!!!!!!!

      • Ted S.

        How about this?

    • kinnath
  6. blackjack

    So…today I had to go drive a little electric cart around on the airfield. Way back in the corner I come upon an old Ferrari with wire knockoff wheels and everything. It was beautiful, so I snapped a pic. Later, I was googling it to figure out what it was. It turns out it’s a 1959 250 tr that once won the 1960 24 hours of LeMans. It was on it’s way home to Hong Kong from Pebble Beach. It’s trong contender for the most expensive car in the world. As in, tens of millions of dollars. Very cool.

    • blackjack

      It was this car. In the flesh on a pallet, just sitting on the tarmac.

    • Sensei

      Nice!

      I, of course, wonder what the insurance costs to send that over are. It’s an agreed value coverage so it would be interesting what they declared the value.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Or considering how rampers treat your cheap ass luggage…

    • Tundra

      No!

      At least wait to find out what happens there.

      Damn, that’s a beautiful car.

      • blackjack

        Right? I have a pic on my phone, through the windshield of the cart with my coffee thermos in the foreground. You could trade that car for any house in the whole LA area. The biggest, baddest mansion is worth about the same. Crazy!

  7. Sean

    Pretty sparse commenting up in here.

    Did a lot of people fail their sanity rolls?

      • Chafed

        Q da man!

    • Hyperion

      We were all red flagged and banned from the interbooz. Every comment you now see is either a Tulpa sock or a Russian bot. Try to keep up.

    • BEAM's not normal, y'all

      Just working on dinner at the moment. Plus the neighbour’s kid brought back some insanely illegal ant killer from down Arizona way, and I’m gonna gleefully use it on the ‘effing massive (we’re talkin’ CONDO) anthill in the backyard. Kills fire ants! DETH FROM ABUV!!!

      God Bless America!

      • Hyperion

        “Plus the neighbour’s kid brought back some insanely illegal ant killer”

        Gasoline and some matches? I long ago lost track of the anthills and wasp/hornet nests I have nuked out of existence with that option.

      • Spudalicious

        Brake cleaner and flame on termites.

      • dontreadonme

        Gasoline and blowtorch against groundwasps. only got stung twice. Little fuckers.

    • Suthenboy

      Past my bed time. Struggling to stay awake as long as the wife so I can put the house to sleep (turn out lights, lock doors, plug in phones and iPads, put dogs to bed, fix coffee pot for morning….etc.)

      Christ, it’s nine o’clock. That woman needs to go to bed.

  8. Hyperion

    I don’t see any Be Civil, What Scooby Would Do, Jesus was a Socialist, Obama/Biden, or Bernie stickers on that girl car. So spose you live in a non-commie state.

    • Mojeaux

      Or that ugh Coexist ugh sticker.

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, that one too, I forgot about that one.

      • Hyperion

        And it seems it never dawned on that that we all want to Coexist, just not with them in the immediate vicinity, or same state, or same country, or same solar system, or same galaxy, or… it’s pretty amazing how they dropped that so quickly and started calling everyone a Nazi.

      • Suthenboy

        No shit. I haven’t seen the vapid ‘Mean people suck’ sticker in 20 years. Same crowd though. These days they punch nazis in the street. By nazis they mean people wearing the wrong hat, advocating the US constitution, Liberty, or just having the insidious secret nazi haircut.

      • BakedPenguin
      • Mojeaux

        LOL! Excellent.

      • Mojeaux

        The Babylon Bee is a gem.

      • Q Continuum

        “Mandatory Tolerance, LLC”

        LOL

  9. Q Continuum

    My favorite feature.

    Observation: Subaru is the Car of the Left™. Considering the Left’s cult-like obsession with identity and “diversity” I find it a little ironic that the protagonists in their commercials are always so bourgeois conventional.

    Where are the transgender, disabled, Inuit midgets with drag queen kids?

    • Hyperion

      I have to disagree. Prius is no doubt a liberal car. My ultra big L friend just bought a new Crosstrek. I can sort of see it, it’s an inexpensive and reliable choice.

      • RAHeinlein

        Prius and Honda are an immediate blink.

  10. Mojeaux

    OT: For those wondering if my love scene writing job (that chapter was just normal romance novel stuff; you ain’t seen my smut smut) will be taken over by language bots, no. There are way too many men out there who can’t write it and who hire me to do that part for them. (So many jokes, so little time.)

    OT2: @l0b0t, I hope you’re liking Monsters & Mormons. It’s meant to be a throwback to pulp horror. ?

    • Q Continuum

      Not knowing exactly what your personal life is, I’m very impressed with your ability to write orgies in quasi-medieval parlance.

      If I didn’t know better I’d say you were in a polygamous marriage in 13th Century Britain.

      • Mojeaux

        Thanks!

        It’s difficult, actually, because I only have about 30% of the vocabulary we use now available to me. For instance, “exhausted” is not time-period-appropriate. I don’t even know if “fuck” was because though everybody knows when it was first put in print, nobody knows when it started to be used. There was no “clitoris” (hence, “nymph”) (it took me a long time to find that) and “cunte” was not a dirty word. They did not have “draft” horses (“draft” meaning, the horses hauled beer); they had shires. They did not have German shepherds; they barely distinguished breeds at all.

        Many of the military words we use were not in use until the 1700s. The “Age of Enlightenment”–they weren’t kidding, man. The English vocabulary EXPLODED.

        Most of the phrases that are so common to us now are from Shakespeare. I’ve slipped in a few modern phrases that I could see that they might use, but always with a wink and a nod at the reader a la A Knight’s Tale.

        And yet, they were far more advanced than “dark ages” would imply.

        My pirate book (1776) was much easier because there were very few words I wanted to use that we don’t use now. English is marvelous. Shakespeare was magnificent.

        I used “start the damned joust before I piss myself” too!

        This particular household is polygamous in a way, but I didn’t mean it to be “polygamous.” I just meant it to be a DIY whorehouse.

    • l0b0t

      I am lovin’ it, thank you. That milieu is right up my alley.

      • Mojeaux

        Yay!!!

    • blackjack

      Is that the oldest writing job in the world?

      • Hyperion

        Slutiture?

    • Sean

      I’m starting to chafe. Can we stop linking for 24 hours?

      ?

      I’m starting to think I found this year’s Xmas gifts…

      • Mojeaux

        I’m starting to chafe.

        Clove oil.

    • Count Potato

      So it’s you who wrote those Penthouse letters.

      • Mojeaux

        I never thought it would happen to me.

      • Spudalicious

        Gotta get your start somewhere.

      • Count Potato

        Bukowski wrote for porno mags.

      • Mojeaux

        Funny story:

        My last year of college, I was working graves at a convenience store. One night, some joker called up and started telling me a dirty story. I was bored, so I listened. He kept going on and on and on and finally he stopped and said, “You there?” or something like that.

        I said, “Yeah, I’m here.”

        He goes, “Well?”

        I then proceeded to completely critique his story and red-line all the extraneous details. It didn’t have a beginning, middle, end. Scenes weren’t structured properly. And, lastly, it was boring.

        Dude started laughing, told me he was in the motel down the street in town on business, bored, and wanted to amuse himself. We chatted about totally nothing for the next couple of hours.

      • Gender Traitor

        Sooo…did he show up in person?

        BTW, good to see you ’round these parts again!

      • Mojeaux

        Neh, he didn’t. He was lazy as well as bored. LOL

        I owe you an email! *hangs head*

      • Gender Traitor

        No worries – whenever you have time, energy, and/or inclination. I trust you got the one I had to send from my other e-mail addy. For some reason, I could receive but not send from my usual e-mail – the one through our cable provider – while we were on the road last week.

        What I need to do is sit myself down & read the historical from the beginning, but I’ve been spending so much daggone time here. If I can’t find a way to ration my own time here, I may have to do something to get myself banned. Maybe something that would take care of that “family-friendly” crap once and for all.

      • Mojeaux

        I may have to do something to get myself banned

        Is that even possible?

      • Gender Traitor

        Something something reach exceed grasp.

      • Chafed

        You could cut and paste FOS’s last post.

      • straffinrun

        Do you provide color commentary during foreplay?

      • Mojeaux

        “You know, honey, I think we need to scrape the popcorn ceiling.”

      • straffinrun

        “You want that popcorn buttered, doncha.”

      • Spudalicious

        Mr. Mojeaux is a happy man.

        “Honey? Could you come over here? I want to make sure I wrote this correctly.”

  11. Raphael

    . “I want to see what she’s been sending out. What if the guys at work saw this shit? Cucked by my own daughter!”

    I have…questions about that remark.

    • Spudalicious

      Do you really want the answers?

      • Raphael

        Upon further consideration, no. Some questions are truly best left unanswered.

  12. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    This actually had a happier ending than I thought it would have when I first started reading it

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      It’s like a Lifetime movie or that Oxygen channel show “Snapped”

      • Hyperion

        “It’s like a Lifetime movie”

        That’s quite disturbing *shudder*

      • Raphael

        Now THAT is scary.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Minus the crying in the shower scene

      • MikeS

        Look. I’m sorry, but I just can’t handle Lifetime movies. It won’t happen again.

      • Drake

        Obviously Markie Post played the Mom.

      • Hyperion

        The woman from Night Court? Holy fuck I remember her being smoking hot.

      • Drake

        Yes. But then she starred in a string of Lifetime movies.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Everyone goes to Lifetime eventually.

      • Sir Digby

        Once again, Gustave speaks the Ultimate Truth.

      • Chafed

        And young men everywhere discovered it is possible to fap to a Lifetime movie.

      • Sir Digby

        Ultimate Truth and the Deep Mysteries of Life.

        we got the Algonquin Round Table goin’ on here!

      • MikeS

        You remember correctly.

      • MikeS

        That was actually a Sugar Free Crusty Juggler-ed link

    • Raphael

      Iowahawk being spicier than Wendy’s spicy nuggets.

      • Rhywun

        Wendy’s spicy nuggets

        *want*

      • BakedPenguin

        I actually went to the nearest Popeye’s to see if I could get a chicken sandwich, but they were out. (and no one was there, although they were open).

        However, I knew there was a Chick-Fil-A half a block down. They were packed, but still had a spicy chicken sandwich ready in under 5 minutes.

      • Sean

        Fascist! Nazi!
        Rheeeee!

    • Chafed

      Can you win a Pulitzer prize for tweeting? Because he should win a Pulitzer prize for tweeting.

      • DrOtto

        They don’t just hand out Pulitzers like they are Nobels.

  13. Tundra

    Oh man, this was the best one yet.

    You, sir, are amazing. I was cheering for Emily by the end!

    And it still cracks me up that the lead photo has a Minne plate.

    • hayeksplosives

      Ha! I didn’t notice the plate!

      I agree, best one yet.

  14. BakedPenguin

    Tight story, SF. You said a lot without actually writing all of it.

    • SugarFree

      Thanks!

  15. Rhywun

    Jesus.

  16. straffinrun

    Had to tap out on this on before the end. Hell, I almost tapped out after watching the ad because there was no way it wasn’t going somewhere bad. Guess that means you win, SF.

    • MikeS

      I’d say it was actually a happy ending. You should finish. The story.

      • straffinrun

        That fucking scene in Pet Cemetery where the kid gets hit by the truck has stuck in my head for 30 years. Don’t need one that is even worse than that rolling around my head.

      • MikeS

        Seriously. It’s actually kind of unlike a SF story all while being exactly like a SF story. You won’t be disappointed.

        Trust me.

      • straffinrun

        Awfully kind of you to worry about if I finished or not.

      • MikeS

        ?

      • Mojeaux

        actually a happy ending

        Agreed.

        I love happily ever afters.

  17. Hyperion

    Heh. What’s with the sudden bigger SUV planet killing shit? Is that SUV an answer to the Hyundai Palisade? We’re never going to save the planet.

    • Drake

      Looks like a Mazda CX-9, Chevy Traverse, Hyudai Veracruz.

  18. Chipping Pioneer

    OT: Day 2: New Haven

    Drove most of the length of VT 100 through the Green Mountains. Weather was variable, including some torrential downpours. People were consistently friendly. Except this one old gal at the cheese factory at the Calvin Coolidge historical sight. Might have been an aspie or something. Good cheese, though.

    Currently in New Haven. I think I’ve figured out why your cost of post-secondary education is so high. Yale has a beautiful campus, but, holy moly, I can’t imagine how much it costs to maintain this place.

    Had some good decent local beers for happy hour, then found a fairly good tapas bar. Say next to some Spanish tennis players who are here for some tournament that is not the US Open.

    Andreescu leads 5-3 in the third set.

    • Spudalicious

      Sounds like you’re having a good trip!

    • Count Potato

      Check out the pizza.

      Yale is neat because of all the gothic shit — gargoyles, stone buildings with teeny windows for secret societies, etc.

      • Gender Traitor

        Went there for a church conference years ago with then-Mr. (technically, Rev.) GT. On a campus tour, the guide told us that when Frank Lloyd Wright came to campus, his hosts asked him where he wanted to stay. He said “Harkness Tower.” When asked why, he said “So I don’t have to look at the damn thing.”

      • Gender Traitor

        Wow! Take out those few windows and it would look like a Jehovah’s Witness mosque.

      • Chafed

        Or Jeffrey Epstein’s temple.

    • straffinrun

      18 year olds need to live in paradise in order to learn. Gorgeous campus juxtaposed with frequent and random raping is good for the medulla oblongata.

    • Drake

      New Haven has some great pizza. Frank Pepe and Sally’s on the same street.

      • slumbrew

        Yeah, he should hit up Frank Pepe if he’s that close. It’s an icon.

  19. Count Potato

    “bonelessly”

  20. Mojeaux

    She licked her thumb and said, “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,” to the dispatcher as she wiped the blood away.

    <3

  21. MikeS

    I’ll be in my bunk.

  22. Winston

    https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/sep/04/history-kind-heathrow-climate-protesters-stop-us-flying

    In doing so they seek to denormalise one of the most destructive activities on Earth. Once unthinkable, then a bizarre novelty, then an extraordinary luxury, then a hope, then an expectation, flying – and flying frequently – is now treated as a right. Worldwide, the number of flights is expected to double in 20 years. In the UK, if aviation growth is unchecked, it could soon account for most of the carbon we can afford to burn, if the government is to meet its obligations under the Paris agreement. Even current levels of flying make a nonsense of international commitments. Yet everywhere governments are seeking to expand airport capacity.

    • Rhywun

      History will be kind to Heathrow climate protesters who stop us flying

      LOL. That guy is the gift that keeps on giving.

    • kbolino

      Once unthinkable, then a bizarre novelty, then an extraordinary luxury, then a hope, then an expectation

      Powered flight is one of the greatest achievements in human history. Why are there so many anti-humanists on the Internet. Can’t they go stand on a streetcorner, or in an empty field, or something more fitting of their hatred for human progress?

    • MikeS

      …is now treated as a right.

      One could make the argument that it is indeed a right. Certainly closer to a right than the “right” to free health care.

      • Winston

        Open borders is a right until it involves something or someone I don’t like. What a surprise!

      • kbolino

        No, no, no. You can travel across borders. You just have to walk. Or take a raft.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        To be fair, that’s pretty much how most of them do it.

      • MikeS

        You are such a giving man.

    • Q Continuum

      Ugh. Just drop out already old man.

    • straffinrun

      Heh. Trump can use the same line he used on Megan Kelly.

      • Q Continuum

        *golf clap*

    • Urthona

      Yet another side effect of CO2.

      • straffinrun

        Joe has decided to lead by example and start exhaling O2 and store CO2.

      • hayeksplosives

        Well. He is kind of like a houseplant.

        A handsy, hair-sniffing houseplant.

      • Count Potato

        “Would”
        — Harvey Weinstein

      • Sir Digby

        A handsy, hair-sniffing houseplant

        How’d you know my college nick-name?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      He’s already had a couple of aneurysms and this is further proof of leaky veins.

      • Rhywun

        Ugh. Now I’m picturing what happens if his latest facelift comes undone.

    • Q Continuum

      What empty lives these people lead.

      • Mojeaux

        Don’t work for a living, don’t have any hobbies.

    • Count Potato

      “community”

    • Heroic Mulatto

      Oh…

      When homeboy told me to “fuck the Vietnamese” I understood it completely different.

    • Sir Digby

      I notice he didn’t do that in a place where legal conceal-carry is a thing.

  23. Winston

    https://www.aier.org/article/protectionism-and-political-violence

    The result of this horror was to kick the reform movement that included free trade into high gear. It led to the founding of the Manchester Guardian and eventually the founding of The Economist, which has had an unbroken record of supporting free trade.

    Well giving us the Guardian and the Economist turned out so well…

    If markets continue to languish and then fall, and if the U.S. slips into depression, we could see the coming to power of socialists who would inflict further wreckage. The truth is that no economic model can predict the consequences.

    We like to think that we learn from history. The movie Peterloo offers all of us a chance to do exactly this. It reveals the poison of protectionism and how its hidden violence can lead to results that are far worse than anyone anticipates.

    Eh Tucker is aware that free traders have a long history of political violence, right? It was the free trade Democrats who brought the US into both world Wars. It was the free trade liberals who brought Britain into WWI. It was the free traders who gave us the welfare-warfare state, not the protectionists. It was the free traders who killed classical liberalism. The free traders today are the watermelons who want mass censorship and economic regeneration. It is the free trade Chinese repressing Hong Kong right now.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      It was the free trade Democrats who brought the US into both world Wars.

      What would have been the proper response to the Pearl Harbor attack?

      • Winston

        Moving the goal posts.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        ?

        I’m talking about causality. Your original statement implies that the FDR administration was the primary actor in that decision. To me, it seems that the attack on American soil by a foreign power is what brought the country into the war kicking and screaming. The particular trade policies of the presidential administration are a non sequitur unless you’re claiming that a protectionist Republican administration would have allowed the Pearl Harbor attack to go unanswered. Or, at most, have been satisfied with the Doolittle Raid.

      • Winston

        OK my real point that is that free-trade politicians have done some pretty awful stuff and have some pretty awful ideas. This is one reason for the rise of the nationalistic protectionist right. If libertarians sound exactly like the very unlibertarian globalists then what gives?

        Also it should be very obvious that free-trade open borders people can also support extremely statist policies. Glossing this over is a huge mistake and something that must be addressed.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Fair enough.

    • Urthona

      Mmmm…. no.

      • Winston

        In what way? Managed trade not free-trade? I blamed the people not the policy.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Jacob Hornberger has beef with that.

        I also find it fascinating that the Pledge of Allegiance was written by a socialist. What is amusing about this aspect of the phenomenon is that many MAGA defenders of the Pledge are ostensibly opposed to socialism. Like their leader Trump, they have declared that America will never turn socialist.

        That’s funny because they obviously don’t realize that Social Security, Medicare, welfare, public housing, foreign aid, public schooling, the Federal Reserve, immigration controls, and the other things they support are rooted in socialism. (Hey, they don’t call it Social Security for nothing. The idea of Social Security originated among German socialists at the end of the 19th century and was later imported into the United States.)

        That’s why many of these MAGA people dislike us libertarians and wish we would shut up. We remind them of these discomforting truths about their mindsets, including their devotion to socialist programs.

        Consider the date that the Star-Spangled Banner was made the official national anthem of the United States: March 3, 1931. That was the decade that would usher in the monumental transformation of the United States from a free-market economic system to a welfare state. That was the decade when Social Security, the crown jewel of the welfare state would be adopted.

        Of course, the transformation toward socialism was sold under the rubric of “saving free enterprise” but that doesn’t change the reality of the situation: with their adoption of the welfare state, which is based on the Marxian notion of having the state forcibly take money from those to whom it belongs in order to give it to those who supposedly need it more, Americans began embracing the worldwide trend toward socialism.

        Can it really be just a coincidence that the adoption of a national anthem, which foreign regimes were doing as well, happened at about the same time America was embracing the worldwide move toward socialism?

        Indeed, consider the year that the Pledge of Allegiance was adopted: 1942, in the midst of World War II. The official name “Pledge of Allegiance” was adopted in 1945, around the time that the U.S. government would be converted from a limited-government republic to a national-security state, which is a type of totalitarian structure, to fight a Cold War against the Soviet Union, which had been America’s wartime partner and ally. Can that really be just a coincidence?

      • Winston

        And who was Sec State through most of that period? Cordell Hull whom Tucker says is a champion of free trade. Interesting…

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Tucker is being hyperbolic. Yes, GATT was an important turn towards free trade, and the post-war prosperity of the United States is empirical evidence of the benefits of that policy, however, Hull was only willing to see one tree in that forest, as he was dead-set against free trade in the labor market. His refusal to allow Jewish refugees to enter the United States led to thousands of deaths.

      • Winston

        I like how he glossed over that Hull was a very prominent Tennessee Democrat for over 40 years. I can’t find any facts but I would be very surprised if he wasn’t a segregationist.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        I would be very surprised if he wasn’t a segregationist.

        Not this Cordell Hull!

      • Winston

        I speak of David Lloyd George and H.H. Asquith both men were consistent free-traders and brought Britain into WWI and helped create the welfare state. While the tariff Reform Conservatives (lead by the son of the arch Liberal Protectionist) where in charge in 1939 the Liberals were very pro-war. Also the architect of the British Welfare state was a Liberal: William Beveridge.

        As for the US well Wilson passed lower tariffs and I linked to Jeff Tucker crediting GATT to Cordell Hull who was FDR’s Secretary of State during the New Deal and most of WWII.

      • Winston

        I can’t find the article but I read an article from the Cobden Centre (I think?) bemoaning how John Cobden went from a leftist hero during the tariff reform movement in the 1900s to a leftist villain in 1930s. And specifically they mentioned how Lloyd George called Chamberlain a “Cobdenite” which they noted was very ironic coming from the arch-free trade liberal to attack the son of the arch liberal Protectionist,

      • BakedPenguin

        Here’s a tip, Winston. You can agree or disagree with different parts of anyone’s ideology. It’s possible. I don’t agree with Tulsi Gabbard’s economics, but I think her foreign policy is worthwhile to consider.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Nah – either you are Pure or you are useless.

        *unzips pants, unfurls huge, flaccid, veiny, giant huge hog, and easily unleashes a powerful stream of urine on Commie Penn Jillette.*

      • Count Potato

        Pics or it didn’t happen.

      • Spudalicious

        John Holmes, is that you?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Today Penn Jillette both disowned libertarianism and, using language which could not be misinterpreted otherwise, threw his full support behind global warming.

        I didn’t unfurl my giant hog – it’s huge trust me (I’m essentially a girthier, more musclar AMERICAN Willem Dafoe) and actually urinate on Commie Frankenstein, but I should.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Yeah, fuck Penn. He’s Teller’s bitch.

        Never lets the guy get a word in edge wise. Bitches always be talking

      • CPRM

        Today Penn Jillette both disowned libertarianism and, using language which could not be misinterpreted otherwise, threw his full support behind global warming.

        Is there a link involved? I’m kinky like that.

      • Count Potato

        WTF?

      • Crusty Juggler

        I shared a link, you silly goose.

      • Winston

        You can agree or disagree with different parts of anyone’s ideology. It’s possible.

        The question then becomes which parts are the deal breakers? People have differing views on what the deal breaker is for themselves. War? Trade? Guns? Spending? Censorship? Regulation?

      • BakedPenguin

        It’s almost as if that’s down to the subjective judgment of individuals, based on what’s most important to them.

        There are never Trumpers here, as well as people who will probably vote for him. See my previous sentence.

      • Winston

        By the way I do find it interesting why the protectionist views of Lincoln and Hamilton aren’t really addressed very much. I wonder why…

  24. hayeksplosives

    Sugar Free, I need a snit of insulin after that one.

    Out-freaking-standing

    • Count Potato

      ” The trial started the day before the 9/11 terrorist attacks in the US — which is why, Maysh wrote, it was quickly forgotten by the media. ”

      Same with NOW defending a woman who murdered her children.

      • Gender Traitor

        #MedeaMatters

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Nothing Tyler Perry does matters.

      • Mojeaux

        LOL!

      • BakedPenguin

        +1. Jason was a dick not to give her the fleece.Lean in, dude. Lean in.

  25. Gender Traitor

    Please refresh my alleged memory – have any of these SHT episodes featured the dogs?

    Most horrifying thing that’s happened to us in one of our Subarus (Mr. GT has a Forester, I have an Impreza) was the first day of our recent vacation when Google maps, claiming to be directing us from I-75 to Maumee Bay State Park, sent us directly into a Toledo scrapyard. When we emerged, we looked as if we’d been off-roading.

    • Count Potato

      I was in Toledo once. The food sucked.

      • Gender Traitor

        We drove right past Tony Packo’s but didn’t stop in. Did you happen to eat there?

      • Count Potato

        I don’t even know what a Tony Packo’s is. It was morning. I was with a guy from Queens and a guy from Brooklyn. So we just wanted a diner to get breakfast. After asking around, and talking to a couple of people who didn’t seem to understand the concept “diner”, we finally found one. It was this huge place, but it was awful.

      • Gender Traitor

        Tony Packo’s is a longtime Toledo restaurant made famous by Klinger’s frequent references to it on M*A*S*H. (Jamie Farr is a Toledo native.) We watch a lot of M*A*S*H reruns as part of our sad, pathetic life.

      • CPRM

        If you can say ‘our’ it’s not as sad and pathetic as mine. DON’T TAKE MY PATHETICNESS FROM ME, IT’S ALL I HAVE!

      • Gender Traitor

        Ackshually, I think “patheticity” has a nice ring to it. Somehow it doesn’t sound so…pathetic.

      • CPRM

        If I’m not mistaken ‘icity’ is a state of being while ‘ness’ is a transitive that can be changed. So…I guess it would be more pathetic.

      • Spudalicious

        MASH, followed by Barney Miller, was a Thursday night ritual. We’re talking the whole nine yards. TV trays and TV dinners in front of the tube.

      • slumbrew

        Barney Miller was the shit. My father loved that show. The old man had good taste.

        Plus, fantastic theme.

      • Crusty Juggler

        “Can you get me off the hook, Tom? For old time’s sake?”

      • BEAM's not normal, y'all

        “Where the Hell’d you get the atomic bomb?”

      • Crusty Juggler

        I have a love-hate relationship with the Beastie Boys because a good friend growing up loved them and I had to endure it, which made me loathe them. But, and I think you and I (maybe???) discussed this on here but the excellent tv show “Patriot,” which the two of you scrolling this who haven’t seen it should see, made me like them again. jfc the Beastie Boys were so fun.

      • slumbrew

        I instantly though of “Patriot” when the Beastie Boys were referenced – that show has also rekindled kind thoughts for them.

        Please please please let Season 3 happen.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Marry me, Slum. I don’t think it’s going to happen, and if it’s doesn’t we will create our own.

        You can be cool Rick.

      • slumbrew

        I’d like to be Leslie Claret, but the reality is that I am, at best, Cool Rick.

      • Sir Digby

        Never seen Patriot. Loved LTI in high school, and other than “Sabotage”*, I could never get into any of their other music.

        As I understand it, Amazon has cancelled Patriot. So, you two need to start crackin’.

        *Yeah, I know…

      • Crusty Juggler

        Sir Digby,

        Watch the first season – it is sooooooooooo funny and at times sad, like really sad, but also sooooooooooo funny. The extra letters are for emphasis.

      • slumbrew

        Booooooooo!

        That’s news to me (I finished Season 2 maybe a week before that article). Dumbasses never promoted that show in any meaningful way, as far as I can tell. And now the new regime has cut it because, well, it was from the old regime.

        A simple “did you like ‘In Bruges’? Then you may like ‘Patriot'” campaign would have picked up a ton of people.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Leslie does know piping.

        “Hey. Let me walk you through the Donnelly nut spacing and crack system rim-riding rip configuration. Using a field of half-C sprats, and brass-fitted nickel slits, our bracketed caps, and splay-flexed brace columns vent dampers to dampening hatch depths of one half meter from the damper crown to the spurve plinths. How? Well, we bolster twelve husk nuts to each girldle-jerry, while flex tandems press a task apparatus of ten vertically composited patch-hamplers. Then, pin-flam-fastened pan traps at both maiden-apexes of the jim-joist. A little something like that”

        jfc all these engineering nerds on here should love that stuff.

      • Sir Digby

        Watch the first season

        Will do!

      • Crusty Juggler

        After trying to twice read out loud the hilarious Leslie shit I posted for you slum, I am angry once again.

        I am not suggesting we track Sir Digby down, stuff him in a backpack and fight our way through a weirdo city in a useless country, but we should consider doing so.

        dm me

      • slumbrew

        I am not suggesting we track Sir Digby down, stuff him in a backpack and fight our way through a weirdo city in a useless country, but we should consider doing so.

        I’m not _not_ saying I’m down for that.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Slum, I love you
        I hope you’re double great
        I hope your weird job’s double great
        And your old man is double great, too
        But, I wanted
        To share something with you
        Hey, I love you
        But I’m not double great

        *sobs*

      • slumbrew

        Oh, but I’d like to keep the micropenises to a minimum.

      • slumbrew

        Man, now I’m filled with melancholy. Rick’s bachelor party was the best day out, but you know it couldn’t last.

      • Sir Digby

        Alright: I got the next three days off, and, a backpack is not only NOT needed, it wouldn’t work, either.

        Where we doin’ this?

      • Gdragon

        I will definitely be checking out “Patriot” now. And “Paul’s Boutique” is the best Beasties album, there is no other answer.

    • SugarFree

      I’ve never done anything with the dog commercials. I mean, it’s already a Planet of the Hounds situation when the Labs rose up with their Pug and Shepard brethren and wiped the Earth clean of the plague of man.

      Sure, it is an adorable planet, but one founded on genocide.

      • slumbrew

        You’ve painted an entire story with those couple of lines. That’s not quite “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”, but it’s close.

        Those Quisling Chihuahuas deserved everything they got.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      The State Department announced on Wednesday that the U.S. will give an additional $120 million in humanitarian assistance to help Latin America cope with the arrival of millions of Venezuelan migrants fleeing a crushing economic crisis. The assistance brings the the U.S. contribution to the crisis to more than $376 million.

      And this is supposed to be better for the economy than letting them in to contribute to it through labor and paying taxes?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Yes. If they CONTRIBUTE to their own economy they won’t come in and RUIN OUR ECONOMY.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        SHUT THE FUCK UP, TRUMPTARD!

      • Crusty Juggler

        Congratulations lib – Katie Steinle’s killer was set free. Your side got your way. While you and your lib friends are celebrating I will be praying for her family.

  26. Crusty Juggler

    “Probably some boy,” her father said. “They always come sniffing around when the blood starts.”

    I’m already a fan.

    • Crusty Juggler

      “3-4-9-2,” Emily told him.

      “Whore number,” her father muttered, jabbing the numbers into the phone.

      Dad has a point here.

      • Crusty Juggler

        I liked it. I don’t feel like Sarah is going to enjoy herself very much.

      • Q Continuum

        Not nearly as slutty as 5-3-6-1.

    • straffinrun

      This kind of material desensitizes you when you finally get the chance to have sex with a 15 year old. You’re only reducing your own future pleasure.

  27. Crusty Juggler

    OT: Hitler’s ‘last living relative’ convicted of paedophilia after kissing girl, 13

    However despite apparently lamenting his connections at his home he has a picture of the dictator on his wall alongside an image of Angela Merkel.

    I suggest you click for a photo of the man, because if you don’t laugh you too are probably a descendant of Hitler.

    Also, we all know Hitler’s relatives are alive and well, mostly in Argentina and Brazil, but at least one that new know of represents New York’s 14 district.

    • Private Chipperbot

      Maybe the giant head tat was a bigger problem than the surname…

      • Count Potato

        It’s really a toss up.

    • BakedPenguin

      Jazz Hands. Also, Chipperbot has a point below, although I admit the surname wasn’t going to help in 99%+ of the circumstances.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Yeah, but growing up all his parents ever told him was “just don’t trigger a global war and initiate a genocide and you’ll do the Hitler name proud”

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        He has framed pictures of Hitler and Merkel in his apartment?

        Why would he have those monsters hanging on his wall? He truly is a disgrace to the Hitler family

      • CPRM

        So now Merkel is confirmed as a NAZI, that’s how it works, right?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Yup. Nothing changes

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      It sounds like the father of the girl knew they were hanging out. Who lets their teenage daughter hang out with a head tattooed 69 year old named Hitler?

      • Rhywun

        That’s not the only question I have about that story.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        The novelty of knowing a guy named Hitler probably clouded his judgment a bit

      • Crusty Juggler

        AOC’s father.

      • CPRM

        Who lets their teenage daughter hang out with a head tattooed 69 year old named Hitler?

        Some one who believes in genetic perfection?

    • straffinrun

      but at least one that new know of represents New York’s 14 district.

      This sentence will cause some NSA agent confusion.

  28. CPRM

    Sugarfree, saying what we all were thinking, but to scared to say.

    • Sir Digby

      “Fuck parents”?

      ::sigh:: Yeah, I suppose so.

      • Spudalicious

        If it weren’t for the Subaru, they would still be a happy, loving family. Those fucking vehicles are the epitome of evil.

  29. straffinrun

    Finished the damn story. My repulsion at seeing a child brutalized is proven unfounded. Then the parents get brutalized for being brutalizers and I feel better. Then we find out the kid should’ve been brutalized after all. So SF turns my repulsion at his inappropriate depiction at myself for wanting the kid to be brutalized. In short, SF has made me repulsed with myself a little bit more.

    • MikeS

      Sounds like a happy ending to me.

      • straffinrun

        Exactly. Good to be taken down a notch.

      • CPRM

        I don’t want to go the massage parlors you frequent.

      • Gustave Lytton

        It costs extra.

        (I’d link to a relevant House of Cards scene, but that shitepile by the same name has trashed YouTube completely when searching for it)

    • Gender Traitor

      Gorgeous! Whereabouts?

      • mikey

        West Central Montana.. A few miles from home. Last Best Place indeed.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Amazing

    • Mojeaux

      That’s beautiful.

    • CPRM

      I’m sorry you live somewhere so bland, perhaps at some point God will bless you with his newest invention, it’s called a tree, you’ll just love it.

      • CPRM

        Wow. You are very brave. I don’t know how you hang on to sanity.

      • Gustave Lytton

        That’s pretty, but I’ll keep my trees. Well, most of them. And plant new ones.

      • straffinrun

        I’ve met that chick.

      • Gender Traitor

        Also nice! I suppose I shouldn’t let on that this is what popped into my head, ’cause now you probably won’t let me come to see these magnificent vistas in person.

      • Crusty Juggler

        I prefer the blue side

    • Chafed

      Now we know what brings out the libertarian women.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Quoting Lysander Spooner?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Respecting her negative rights?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Wearing your “Eat-a-booty gang” t-shirt?

        I’m a Captain in the Eat-a-booty gang army, just in case anyone wants to know.

    • Spudalicious

      Beautiful! Nice roll cloud.

  30. UnCivilServant

    Well, I’ve expanded my culinary repertoire.

    I decided to try pan frying chicken. Mostly because I have some spare raw chicken in the fridge and figured why not.

    Since the test chicken was sadly skinless, so I cut it into small chunks for faster cooking. I made the dredge from flour, parsley, garlic powder, and black pepper. Cracked and whipped up an egg to make sure it stuck, the heated up a wok with plain rape oil. Cooked them to a nice brown, and they came out with properly cooked, juicy chicken and decent crust. It’s not going to displace anyone’s favorite chicken, but I didn’t fail.

    • Crusty Juggler

      Chicken is almost always bland – especially when pan fried or baked or grilled – but if you use the right breading/spices/marinate, etc, it almost always gets the job done.

      Pound a breast even (like as though if you are snogging Winston’s mom) and get a good sense of the time and heat it takes to et a good temperature and it’s a good way to cook healthy meals.

    • Tejicano

      I like to do a Tandori with thighs on the Weber. Marinate in the fridge for two or three days, get the Weber going to about 350 to 400 degrees, place the chicken in a shallow”dish” of foil on the grill, stick a probe into the biggest piece and bake until the temp hits 135.

      The only problem is that my family gobbles down most of it before I can finish the rest of the BBQ.

      • straffinrun

        Great write up the other day, TJ. Always learn something new when people who are on the same journey share what they’ve picked up.

      • Tejicano

        I missed your presence on that. I was expecting you would show up but I guess you had life.

      • straffinrun

        Crazy busy periods followed by easy street. Sorry I missed it.

  31. Sir Digby

    So…..what’d I miss? Do I even want to dip a toe back into SF’s psyche?

  32. Chafed

    I didn’t read it. That’s a compliment to SF. Last time I read Subaru Horror Theater it stayed with me for days. It’s now on my hard pass list.

    • CPRM

      We need to write these down on pottery for archaeologists to find, they seem obsessed with evidence from pottery.

    • jesse.in.mb

      Damn it. He’s going to be insufferable…he’s going to be more insufferable for weeks now. This comment is like feeding a mogwai cocaine and viagra after midnight.

      • SugarFree

        Quiet, you!

      • jesse.in.mb

        Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I’m being repressed!

      • CPRM

        Meh, at least no one is volunteering to animate these; now that would be insane…

      • Spudalicious

        Coward.

      • Sir Digby

        Wait–is that a possibility? I can increase the patreon a bit…

      • CPRM

        How far you willing to commit? I mean, that’s a lot of character models to create, a lot more involved production. I could do it. But yeah a lot bigger price tag.

      • CPRM

        although, I’d have to go with more of a narration style of actual dialogue, given my difficulties finding other interested actors.

      • Sir Digby

        How far you willing to commit?

        …….extra fiver?

        Kidding aside, I would in pitch in a bit more if there are others who would like it enough to pay to see it. ( I def. get the increased cost)

      • Chafed

        I haven’t seen you comment in weeks and this is what brings you out of hiding?!?

      • jesse.in.mb

        I’ve commented a little here and there. I have a flight tomorrow instead of work and have been hitting the sauce. It seemed like a good time to show up.

      • Chafed

        Very little. But it’s good to see you.

      • jesse.in.mb

        I keep trying to find time, energy and a reason to come back, but work has been a drain on both and by the time I get back to review the awesome content folks are putting together it’s well after the comments on those articles have faded out. I’m almost always here for WAWR though.

  33. Crusty Juggler

    Intoxicated Marine breaks into home and cooks meal, tells alarmed homeowner to ‘go back to sleep’

    Nineteen-year-old Marine Gavin Crim reportedly broke into a Dunedin, Florida, home just after 4 a.m. Tuesday, and immediately set out in hurriedly exercising his perceived right to satisfying hunger pangs at any cost.

    Crim eventually was confronted by the weary homeowner, who was unsurprisingly alarmed to discover a stranger going full-blown Gordon Ramsay in his kitchen, according to a CBS 17 report.

    But the considerate Marine, understanding the importance of eight hours of rest, told the owner to “go back to sleep.”

    The tip of the spear needs their breakfast.

    Hey dumb journalists, within seconds I penned a line equal or greater to your attempts at making a story humorous. Give the facts and let us professionals bring the humor.

    • Gender Traitor

      Something something third amendment.

    • Rhywun

      I was hoping for another happy ending. 🙁

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      That’s a fine way to get yourself shot. Just go to the Waffle House.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Anyone else remember National Guard commercials that went something like you can rest easy because the Guard is on duty?

      • slumbrew

        DJ Khaled’s Hot Ones is one for the ages.

        DJ Khaled: “Just because I stopped doesn’t mean I quit.”
        Sean: “Yes it does, by definition.”

      • Crusty Juggler

        I am sure this is isn’t accurate but it is pretty accurate WHERE IT MATTERS WHICH IS YOUTUBE: the best interviewers are Rogan and Evans. They put their egos to the side and just nudge the guest into interesting answers as best they can. A comedian/actor/dumb reality show host/mma commenter and spicy wings guy > everyone else*.

        *I’m sure there are plenty of others – Moynihan is actually very good, for example – but you get the point. interesting person, questions, answers – it isn’t complicated.

      • slumbrew

        Carolla’s long-form interviews (“Take A Knee”) can be quite good – he’s less likely to get caught up in his own stories on those.

        Also, Carolla’s utterly nerveless performance on Hot Ones is epic.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Yes. I have been a fan of the Ace man for a long time, too, and he is another great example because he is all self-taught.

      • straffinrun

        I’d love to see Jonathan Haidt do a Rogan style long form interview show. Left/right IDGAF. Just give me someone who will interview in good faith.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Yes. Part of the reason Rogan is successful is because even though he has whatever his beliefs are, he keeps an open mind – long form is really the best for interviews. I love that his success is a push against the cable news 7 minute segments of drivel

      • straffinrun

        Just gives too much fodder for cancel culture. You could do two hours of fantastic stuff, but a two second chink imitation and you’re dead.

      • Crusty Juggler

        The only reason I disagree is that Rogan, Carolla, etc are beyond cancel culture. The people who get “canceled” are Alex Jones, Owen Benjamin (who is really funny) and Anthony Cumia – they did things that either made them HAVE to apologize for something, which they didn’t do, or put them on some dumb list of crazies. T

        The key is to have a debate debating something, no matter what the topic, and treating the other person with respect. Cumia would, Owen almost certain would, Alex is a fucking maniac, but they fought the wrong battle. Rogan was big before cancel and he always will be big, because he plays it right.

        those other guys fought and fight the wrong fight, which still isn’t “good” but jfc be interesting and/funny and its okay.

      • straffinrun

        Agreed on the Rogan and Carolla being above cancel culture. It’s the fact that the people who need to listen to it aren’t listening to it. They are canceling themselves. I’ve listened to Jared Taylor pissing his pants about the loss of huwhite culture. I’ve listened to Farrakhan go on about the joos. My eardrums are none the worse for it.

      • CPRM

        You listened to opposing viewpoints?! BURN THE WITCH!!

      • straffinrun

        I don’t agree with disagreeing.

    • Sir Digby

      Was hoping to see Tom Segura….dammit.

      • Crusty Juggler

        His…r-word stuff…offends me.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Oh don’t make me get in a Tom worm hole – he is one of my favorites, if not my favorite comedian. Of the bigger ones – and I love that he is a bigger one* – I love him and Burr, and like a pathetic fanboi I am happy they are successful.

        *cock

      • Sir Digby

        Speaking of Tom speaking of cock

        Funny fact: I totally skipped Completely Normal for, like, a year, because he kinda looks like Kevin James on the original Netflix “holder pic”. Nothing against KJ, but, I never wanted to watch it, even though I fully knew he wasn’t Kevin. Then, saw the Mostly Stories, and I was totally sold.

        So, yeah–let’s get our Tom on.

      • Sir Digby

        That is: MAGA-NIFICENT

    • slumbrew

      Jay-sus.

      However, weird knees.

      • Spudalicious

        Yeah, those are some messed up knees.

      • slumbrew

        Nice. But I can’t see her knees…

      • slumbrew

        This is how fetishes develop, isn’t it?

      • jesse.in.mb

        Nah, you should be eroticizing trauma or shame.

        *gets out chez, pince nez and pipe*

        Were you kneed frequently by pubescent girls in middle school? Did you catch the vicar with his hand on your father’s knee at a church dinner?

      • slumbrew

        Chez?

        Also, I legit misread “pince nez” as “pierced nips” for half a second there. I don’t know if that’s just me or this place.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Chaise. I’m a half dozen beers deep and spelling was never my strong suit.

      • Sir Digby

        #WhyNotBoth

      • slumbrew

        #WhyNotBoth

        True, true.

  34. slumbrew

    Yet again, I’m enjoying tennis.

    WTF is going on here?

    • Crusty Juggler

      It is the most libertarian of the sports.

    • Rhywun

      I enjoyed some earlier. This one is too predictable. Skipping.

      • slumbrew

        I’m enjoying Schwartzman’s play – but I assume Tom Brady Nadal will win in the end.

      • Rhywun

        This whole Open is weirdly anti-climactic. Lots of seeds knocked out early, some upsets, but nobody is going to challenge Him or Her in the end.

      • grrizzly

        I should be rooting for Medvedev–for at least two reasons. But I’ve just booked a day trip to the Anacapa Island on Sunday, during the Sunday Final.

      • Sir Digby

        Ancap Island….if only.

  35. straffinrun

    Scott Adams on gun control. He quotes many of the same arguments made here. Wonder if anyone here listened to it.

      • CPRM

        I’m just confused, with all his money why his mic and webcam suck so much. Then again, these are my constant peeves that things with shitty production value trend on the webs. People be heathens.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I’m going to watch lawn care and shoe polishing videos. I find those far more relaxing.

      • straffinrun

        It shows authenticity when you’re rich. It’s the rich vs wealthy thing Chris Rock talks about.

      • Chafed

        I lasted about 12 minutes. For a smart, funny guy that was boring.

      • Sir Digby

        I’m afraid that others have said the same thing about me. Although, 12 doesn’t seem so bad these days….

      • straffinrun

        He can be a complete fool at times. He went off a rant about why Japan has a high suicide rate that had me lol’ing at his ignorance. He’ll just make up shit whole cloth to support his position.

    • straffinrun

      Racism isn’t environmental. It’s genetic.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I guess I’m missing the dumpster fire part. Environmental racism has been around for close to forty years as a term. I mean it’s as bullshit as the rest, but doesn’t particularly stand out.

      • Chafed

        GL it was garbage then and it’s garbage now.

    • Rhywun

      I was gonna post a story I found about Andy Yang’s “Green Amendment” to the Constitution but I thought, No, that’s too ridiculous.

      • Chafed

        Only for the sentient among us.

      • Sir Digby

        What if I identify as “sapient”?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Negative. You are a meat popsicle.

      • Sir Digby

        Cold: Check
        Meat: CHECK
        Stick in ass: Ch-Wait a minute!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Wrong answer.

      • Sir Digby

        #SmokeYou!!

      • Sir Digby

        That’s rough, Chafed(!). Rough, but, fair.

        Which is my preference. 😉

    • one true athena

      It’s seven hours long. That would drain the world snark supply.

      • Chafed

        Good point. Carry on.

    • Crusty Juggler

      Both.

    • straffinrun

      I’m torn. Am I supposed to scream LIBTARD! or TRUMPTARD ! at you?

      • slumbrew

        Best do just do both. It’s the only way to be sure.

      • straffinrun

        Alright. I’ll do both, but remember I’m doing it sarcastically so the labels are switched.

      • Chafed

        Whatever moves you.

    • Gustave Lytton

      In 2005, 20 percent of Walmart employees worked part-time. Today, the majority do. It’s the simple cruelty of math: If Walmart keeps employees’ hours low enough, it can avoid paying benefits.

      Gee, I wonder why that would be?

      • slumbrew

        Funny how they just decided to to that for no particular reason.

    • Sir Digby

      Is it possible to dislike everyone involved in that story?

      • Chafed

        Carlson is a co-founder. He had to sell his interest when took his job at Fox. They still agree with everything he says but he has no control over it.

  36. Crusty Juggler

    I have a confession to make. “Patriot,” which is one of my favorite tv shows ever which brought me much joy, was canceled after the second season. I learned in an above comment. I played it cool, like I knew, but I didn’t know! And who do I blame? YOU! ALL OF YOU! ALL OF YOU EXCEPT SLUMBREW! YOU ARE ALL SHIT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

    • Sir Digby

      Whoa, whoa, whoa there, buddy! I watched The Patriot, like, several times. I mean, that should count for something.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I tried to watch the first episode but it did nothing for me and I turned it off.

      • Crusty Juggler

        You need to get a few episodes in like The Wire. Then again if you suck and are dumb and stupid dumb it doesn’t matter!

      • Sir Digby

        BTW–you still not gonna head over this way due to my state’s racial failures?? I mean, treat it as needing to get into a few episodes of a Southwestern The Wire.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Seriously though this scene is about a murder investigation and is played straight, which is difficult to get out of context, but if you are like…booooooooooooooooooooooooooo…then yeah the show isn’t your speed. Which is fine – it just more information that Slumbrew is the love of my life.

      • Sir Digby

        Man, that was one of THE most difficult faps of my life. Oh, OK–maybe it’s more due to me being at work. Whatevs.

        /that was actually hilarious. Will watch.

      • Chafed

        I never heard of it. I loved The Wire if that helps.

      • Sir Digby

        If Amazon keeps under-advertising their streaming shows, they’ll get no viewers for their $1B/episode (or, whatever) LotR show.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Under advertising? Their app, like Netflix, is chock full of their in house crap. They push that like there’s no tomorrow.

      • Sir Digby

        That’s the rub, though, isn’t it? Their app…?

        Don’t see much of anything outside of Amazon itself.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Chafed,

        There are reasons you do not know about it, mostly that critics didn’t like it enough to sell it, but also because it is very very very (3) dry, so that humor, which is played straight, isn’t for anyone. It is for me, but as you can guess I am not everyone.

        Slumbrew liked it, though, so there is that. He is sexy as a mug, that guy.

      • slumbrew

        Man, I go to bed and miss so much

    • CPRM

      Jeff Bezos thanks you for supporting the Washington Post and paying for his divorce, and now says ‘fuck off!’

      • Crusty Juggler

        Bezos, or as we call him Beezer, is so alpha he stole a woman from one of the most influential people on the planet, so…that makes him alpha. She couldn’t trade up, and yet she did.

        alpha af

      • hayeksplosives

        There’s an Amazon distro center on the way between my building and company headquarters (or the Reality Deprivation Tank, as we call it).

        I can’t believe the size of their fleet of final leg vehicles. They’re everywhere.

        I’m part of why, I confess. There are at least 4 Amazon deliveries to my house a week.

        Heaven help me.

        Why did they ditch FedEx anyway?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Amazon wants to do deliveries in house. They aren’t Skynet but they are Skynet.

        It’s FexEx on steroids. ONE DAY SHIPPING!!! no one says but we now want.

      • l0b0t

        2 hour shipping for NYC customers has me spoiled. Amazon uses a VA based company called LaserShip for their same day work up here and they, so far, have had far fewer delivery errors than FedEx/USPS/UPS to our house.

  37. Gustave Lytton

    Thanks glibs. My YouTube feed is full of that Taiwanese sideline girl.

    • Chafed

      Is this good or bad?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Humble brag?

  38. Gustave Lytton

    https://youtu.be/7b6bmmCgIzs

    The dickless, spineless life peers swallow Euro cock on tv. Too bad Airshit One.

    • Sir Digby

      Euro cock on tv

      The annual porn contest? I think Father Ted covered that.

      • hayeksplosives

        Nooooo! We cannot accept the results of a fair National vote!

        Must thwart rule of law!!!

      • Sir Digby

        Rulers gotta Rule.
        Also, beware of people calling themselves “Lords”/SIR Digby.

      • Gustave Lytton

        House of Jackasses does have a certain ring to it. Ever since they got rid of the hereditary peers, it’s been a motley collection of suck ups and celebrities.

      • Sir Digby

        Hell, the Jackass crew could do a better job of governing them.

      • Gustave Lytton

        A government of the Jackasses, by the Jackasses, and fo.. no wait, that’s us.

      • Sir Digby

        As long as I get to see Dave England crap on the Oval Office desk, I’m good with that.

      • hayeksplosives

        Sound advice, M’Lord.

        ^curtsirs deeply before Sir Digby*

        Hey! My eyes are up here!

      • hayeksplosives

        That doesn’t seem to go anywhere…

      • hayeksplosives

        I LOL’s

        Not really my type though. Dudes who obviously spend too much time admiring themselves are by default not my type.

      • Sir Digby

        Well then……good thing I’ve changed my ways ::hmmmph::
        :)~

    • Gustave Lytton

      In fairness, the beefeaters have been taking up the backside from Euros since the Glorious Revolution. Or Hastings.

  39. hayeksplosives

    I’ve not seen this Patriot of which you speak.

    Heck I’m still catching up on Parks and Rec.

    But I’ll be watching da Bears Vs Packers tomorrow!

    • SP

      Go Pack!

    • Sir Digby

      This is for you, Hayek.

      OK–disregard the first scene, if you must. But, the “marker” outtake… And, “the slap”…

      • hayeksplosives

        Lovely. I’m a sucker for blooper reels of shows I like.

        I saw a STTNG one where they are all on the bridge having a dramatic moment and Counselor Troi (Marina Sirtis) suddenly bends over and says in a broad Cockney accent “ ‘Ang on!, ‘Ang on. Me contact lens is droppin’ Out”

      • Sir Digby

        Lovely woman…until she starts talking. And no, not her accent (which is terrific).

  40. SP

    Quick update.

    Hang tight and hope nothing breaks!

    • SP

      And done.

      Thanks for your patience.

    • Crusty Juggler

      Don’t kill me – the readers need pointless pop-culture posturing!

      • Sir Digby

        Damned right!!

    • Crusty Juggler

      Hollywood’s greatest contribution may be their ongoing war against the Nazis – a war that should never end. I like that it keeps going – humiliate them forever.

      Fact: I’m not a fan of the Nazis.

    • Sir Digby

      I’m a YUGE Taika Waititi fan. Can’t wait to see this.

      /see, the thing is, Taika is half-Maori, and quarter-Jewish, so the conceit is HI-larious.

  41. Sir Digby

    Great–I go away for a few days, and everyone decides to turn in at a “reasonable time”.

    What have we become???

    • hayeksplosives

      As for me, I had to go to an all-day FRACAS (failure root cause analysis, essentially) “Red Team” review where we sorted through the input reports from all the FRACAS subcommittees and narrowed down to the most suspect failure contributors and made a plan to test the hypothesis and correct the problem.

      So I’m bushed.

    • UnCivilServant

      Well, it’s not as if the commenter population at 3:22 AM real people time has ever been very large.

    • hayeksplosives

      I would love to see the non-PC story of actually happened.

      “Female friend”: Female Female, or I Identify as Female/ Female?

      Was the long lashed one going to stage an anti-trans hate crime?

      Soil! Spill!

    • Sir Digby

      Now, I get a 404.

      Give my revised link a try, up a few comments…

  42. straffinrun

    Spend some time on Google earth scrolling around Wakkanai (Northern tip of Hokkaido) and the Southern tip of Sakhalin island. Just a hop across the water, but the difference between what a shithole Russian controlled areas and Japanese areas becomes crystal clear,

    • UnCivilServant

      You can see the lawn carpets, broken vodka bottles and squatting slavs on Google earth?

      • straffinrun

        You can see apartment complexes that you just know have mismatched wallpaper in the kitchens.

      • UnCivilServant

        You’re going to judge a people by their taste in interior decorating?

  43. Sir Digby

    Man, I hope my next night post gets this much late activity! Or, approved, for that matter.

    • UnCivilServant

      *inks ‘Rejected’ stamp*

    • straffinrun

      If you want to judge yourself by the number of comments you get, post a video of yourself eating at the Y.

      • Sir Digby

        I never said I was judging myself

        Wait–are you just fiending for amateur porn?

  44. hayeksplosives

    New lynx!!