THE CONTINUING AWESOME ADVENTURES OF SECRET NAZI PRESIDENT!!11!1! – Vol 38: ….And the walrus you swam in on.

by | Sep 26, 2019 | Comic, Fun, Satire, Secret Nazi President | 245 comments

About The Author

Penguin

Penguin

BakedPenguin is a graduate of some school or another, smells like a homeless person, and has the friendly demeanor of a rabid wolverine.

245 Comments

  1. Crusty Juggler

    There are just too many articles today.

    • Sean

      I’m over stimulated.

    • Tonio

      You cry because there is an abundance of riches? There are time lines that would beg for either Sug OR Pengie — and we get both. My cellars are still groaning with tuns of prog tears.

      • UnCivilServant

        You may want to invest in stronger scaffolding then.

    • Gustave Lytton

      This is the best Christmas ever.

    • invisible finger

      You sound like a Bernie Bro

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Are you running out of morally suspect links to post?

  2. Crusty Juggler

    Why is everyone being so mean to Hunter Biden? What did he ever do to you?

    • Rhywun

      He once bit my sister.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Interestingly enough, an intrepid “reporter” asked the same thing.

      https://twitter.com/mikiebarb/status/1177243008703614977

      “As this fellow circulates personal attacks on a candidates child, remember he’s paid by @NBC and @MSNBC”

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        “Won’t somebody think of the 49 year-old child!”

        – screamed the corporate propagandist

  3. Crusty Juggler

    Why did the sexual deviant love hummus so much?

    The chick peas.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      I don’t get it.

      • Plisade

        What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

        I wouldn’t pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

      • AlexinCT

        Watersports…

      • mexican sharpshooter

        I still don’t get it.

  4. DOOMco

    Secret Nazis can’t be impeached.

    • AlexinCT

      Tell that to the Nuremberg tribunal!

      /Shifty Shiff

  5. Florida Man

    Is…is that tweet real. I just can’t tell what is real anymore.

  6. Random internet Guy

    Designed by John Bolton,
    Bravo!

  7. Jarflax

    SugarFree posts deleted scenes from Spartacus, Penguin posts Bolton on Ice, damn it I was running behind this morning and barely saw the links. Y’all are making my soul bleed.

  8. SugarFree

    John Bolton’s Mustache will dine on Russki blood!

    • Bobarian LMD

      There’s tusks in them thar wiskers!

  9. Crusty Juggler

    Remember this phrase when pondering all impeachment news:

    If at first you don’t succeed, keep in sucking ’till you do succeed.

  10. Mojeaux

    Okay, I’ve got three tabs going for continuing comment threads and refreshing one now causes all three to clear new comments.

    • Jarflax

      You beat out Nikki the other night, but today clearly moves SF into position as the worst!

      • Mojeaux

        There can be only one.

    • UnCivilServant

      You should get to contributer status. Being able to use the comments view on the dashboard, even without edit rights, makes it easier to follow multiple threads.

      • Mojeaux

        I do that sometimes when I have to search, but today my brain is cotton and it didn’t even occur to me. Thanks!

      • Random internet Guy

        So that’s what that does, Thanks UCS!

      • UnCivilServant

        Now if only I could focus. I’m not doing well today.

      • Tonio

        You are not supposed to tell the plebes of our secret powers. Only when they go through the Rite of Submission will they be worthy to know such things even exist.

      • UnCivilServant

        No one told me it was a secret. Are there other rules I wasn’t informed of?

      • Not Adahn

        If we told you, they’d hardly be secret now would they?

      • UnCivilServant

        Of course they would.

      • Random internet Guy

        Plebe? I have the special powers, I can summon Tall Cans from thin air……

      • Agent Cooper

        Libertarians my ass.

  11. Crusty Juggler

    High school teacher had sex with 14-year-old boy for months: feds

    Investigators in Will County identified the alleged victim after a student at Reed-Custer reported that Chidester had been texting him. A subsequent search of his cellphone revealed nude photos of the teacher, as well as more than 9,000 text messages they sent each other since last September, according to the complaint.

    The boy later told police he had sex with Chidester between 15 and 20 times at various locations and admitted that they swapped nude photos of themselves.

    The steamy shots included one shot of the boy lying on the floor with his genitals exposed, a picture Chidester allegedly took while the pair were in her bedroom, the Chicago Sun-Times reports.

    “She said I looked hot,” the teen said when asked why Chidester took the photo, according to an affidavit obtained by the newspaper.

    The two also spoke on the phone hundreds of times between September and December 2018, prosecutors claim.

    Chidester, who was arrested one day after the victim’s videotaped interview, then confessed to investigators that she had sex with the teen, whom she showered with gifts, including a robe and a skateboard, according to the complaint.

    This may be my favorite of these stories. She is a little older and the mugshot doesn’t do her any favors but…hubba-hubba.

    • Bob Boberson

      That one is less baffling than the ones where the teacher is a 25 y/o smoke show.

    • Florida Man

      In a way this is still rape because 14 year old boys would have sex with a vaguely woman shaped tree stump.

    • Private Chipperbot

      gifts, including a robe

      Hot.

    • wdalasio

      High school teacher had sex with 14-year-old boy for months: feds

      Damn, if the 14-year old can keep going for months without stopping, he’s got a great career ahead of him in adult cinema.

      • AlexinCT

        Especially if he went for more than 12 months and still stayed 14!

    • blackjack

      Her name is only slightly modified from child molester!

    • JaimeRoberto: Gentleman, Scholar, French Tickler

      Months? Kids that age usually only last a few seconds. And after 4 hours she should have taken him to a doctor.

    • Bob Boberson

      She’s WAAAYY to old for OMWC…..

  12. Mojeaux

    @Tonio

    Re-sent email. If that doesn’t work, and you’re on Twitter, DM me. @MoriahJovan

      • Mojeaux

        One of the reasons I love Agile Cyborg so much is that he welcomed me so warmly and rhapsodized over my name quite a few times, reminiscing over a beloved ancient computer game. He was even normie-coherent about it.

      • Private Chipperbot

        My daughter adores that song. She did some theater when she was very young and was into musicals. We used to (actually still do) backyard movie nights in the summer. I think she was 8 or 9 when we first watched Cat Ballou, and she loved it. When I said there was a Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin musical she called me a liar. We watched this and she was floored. She made me watch White Christmas, and I was pleasantly surprised.

        She’s 15 now and we watch Young Frankenstein or McClintock at least once a month with the family. I love that she digs the old movies.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Damn! I always thought that song was from ‘Oklahoma!’, not ‘Paint your Wagon’??

        I saw the two of those in college as part of the weekly film studies program the English department ran, though.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Sorry, saw those two within weeks of each other…

  13. Crusty Juggler

    UCLA receives $20 million to establish UCLA Bedari Kindness Institute

    The institute, which is housed in the division of social sciences, will support world-class research on kindness, create opportunities to translate that research into real-world practices, and serve as a global platform to educate and communicate its findings. Among its principal goals are to empower citizens and inspire leaders to build more humane societies.

    “Universities should always be places where we teach students to reach across lines of difference and treat one another with empathy and respect — even when we deeply disagree,” UCLA Chancellor Gene Block said. “The UCLA Bedari Kindness Institute will bring the best thinking to this vital issue and, I think, will allow us to have a real social impact on future generations.”

    The institute, which will begin operating immediately, will take an interdisciplinary approach to understanding kindness — through evolutionary, biological, psychological, economic, cultural and sociological perspectives. It will focus on research about the actions, thoughts, feelings and social institutions associated with kindness and will bring together researchers from across numerous disciplines at UCLA and at external organization

    lol just read “Lord of the Flies,” because that’s society, silly dorks.

    • Bob Boberson

      My guess is it will focus on kindness and inclusion with the exception of one particular demographic……..

    • Rhywun

      I’m in the wrong line of work.

  14. kbolino

    I’m trying to understand what is and isn’t acceptable for a politician to do, but I gotta say I’m having a hard time finding a consistent rule.

    Storing all your official emails, including classified and SCI information, on a private, unsecured server in a bathroom? Acceptable
    Using your own country’s intelligence services to spy on your political opponents? Acceptable
    Pressuring a foreign leader to drop an investigation that could affect your relatives by threatening to withdraw foreign aid? Acceptable
    Selectively releasing redacted documents to bolster your arguments? Acceptable

    Communicating with foreigners while you are part of a Presidential transition team? Unacceptable
    Asking another country to reveal to the public whatever it may know about your political opponents? Unacceptable
    Asking a foreign leader to investigate your political opponents? Unacceptable
    Selectively releasing redacted documents to bolster your arguments? Unacceptable

    • UnCivilServant

      Silly kbolino. It’s not the acts that are acceptable or unacceptable, it’s the person who performed them that matters.

      • kbolino

        No, I’m sure the paragons of truth and virtue that are our media and political establishment would never do something so crass and transparently self-serving. Only Trump is like that.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      It’s not that tough.

      Being a Democrat? Acceptable
      Not being a Democrat? Unacceptable.

      • Bobarian LMD

        dammit

    • Bobarian LMD

      Be a (D), don’t be an (R).

      • kbolino

        I doubt I could concoct the right search terms to find it and not some woke-fest but SNL did a video in prehistoric times (read: 2005 or so) about the two rules to avoid sexual harassment claims: 1. be attractive, 2. don’t be unattractive.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Fred Arminsen vs. Tom Brady.

        Transcript

      • kbolino

        Nice! Thanks.

      • R C Dean

        I would put it a little differently:

        The rules for acceptable behavior by a politician:

        (1) Be a (D).

        (2) Don’t be a not-(D).

  15. Crusty Juggler

    Can a Burger Help Solve Climate Change?

    Ethan Brown, of Beyond Meat, suspects that nibbling plant patties doesn’t exude the same macho vibe. A bearded, gregarious, six-foot-five man who played basketball at Connecticut College, he has retained a squad of athlete “ambassadors” to help dispel that perception. When I visited Ethan at the company’s offices, in El Segundo, California, he pointed me to a 2009 study of Ivory Coast chimpanzees which suggested that males who shared meat with females doubled their mating success. “Men usually give women the meat first, at dinner, before the sex—you want to be a protein provider,” he said. “Do you think if you take a woman out and buy her a salad you get the same reaction?”

    It’s worth noting that the Neanderthals, who subsisted almost entirely on meat, were outcompeted by our omnivorous ancestors. In any case, Ethan told me, meat no longer serves its original purpose, and “we can use the expanded brain that meat gave us to get us off of it.” Like many alternative-protein entrepreneurs, he is a vegan; when he taste-tests Beyond’s burgers, he occasionally chews a beef burger to orient his palate, then spits it out and wipes his tongue with a napkin. He has a potbellied pig named Wilbur at home that knows how to open the refrigerator: “Wilbur lives in our house to teach my kids that, from the perspective of science, the moral circle is poorly defined.

    lol

    • Rhywun

      No. Next question.

    • kbolino

      It’s worth noting that the Neanderthals, who subsisted almost entirely on meat, were outcompeted by our omnivorous ancestors

      Humans also outcompeted a bunch of herbivores, too.

      • wdalasio

        It’s worth noting that the Neanderthals, who subsisted almost entirely on meat, were outcompeted by our omnivorous ancestors

        Were they though? I’ve always heard that Neanderthals basically disappeared because they interbred out of existence.

      • Mad Scientist

        That’s how we ended up with soulless redheads.

    • Florida Man

      I had a beyond slider at food and wine. I liked it.

      • Crusty Juggler

        TRAITOR!

    • kbolino

      occasionally chews a beef burger to orient his palate, then spits it out and wipes his tongue with a napkin

      Something, something, ends justify the means

    • J. Frank Parnell

      males who shared meat with females doubled their mating success.

      Err… Isn’t that pretty much the definition of mating success?

      • Bob Boberson

        Well done Sir.

    • Tulip

      “we can use the expanded brain that meat gave us to get us off of it.”

      So our brains can shrink? That seems like a poor plan.

    • JaimeRoberto: Gentleman, Scholar, French Tickler

      “you want to be a protein provider”.

      Oh yeah.

    • Agent Cooper

      Had an Impossible Whopper the other night. Not bad, the bun was actually stale.
      It had 630 calories mostly from fat and carbohydrates. The regular Whopper has 660 calories mostly from fat and carbohydrates.

  16. Tonio

    Yo, Pengie. Could you help out us folks who don’t read Russian very well since we can’t cut and paste the pic into a translator?

    I’m thinking first word is “Orange…”

    Also, well-done, bro.

    • Rhywun

      Third word seems to be something about torpedoes.

      • Ted S.

        It’s the noun adjunct (ie. an adjective made out of a noun) for “torpedo”.

      • Mojeaux

        Is that a new term since mid-80s grammar nazi books?

      • Ted S.

        I had never heard the term either. It’s roughly like a gerund (I think) except that instead of a verb form becoming a noun, it’s a noun becoming an adjective.

        Actually, thinking about it, I’m a bit off again. It looks like a noun adjunct stays the same as the original noun, which is why we have a lot of them in English (and some of them become compound words like snowman). These adjectives are derived from nouns in the sense that “polar” is derived from “pole”, with a suffix.

        To put it another way, in English we would say “computer program”, with “computer” being a noun adjunct. In Russian they’d add a suffix to the noun and then the declined adjective endings, so you get “компьютерная программа” where the noun is “компьютер”.

        Does that make more sense?

      • Mojeaux

        Yes, actually it does.

        However, I think it does make a difference that though our nouns are default declined, we don’t actually learn that we decline our nouns or how.

        OT or at least OT adjacent: I really really really hate “I am bartending.” I want “I am tending bar.” “Login” is a noun, “log in” is a verb. And so on.

        OT OT: My only real weak spot of basic grammar is lay/lie/lain/laid.

        OT OT OT: And try explaining that affect can be a noun and effect can be a verb.

        OT OT OT OT: Subjunctive. ‘Nuff said.

      • Rhywun

        Yeah, it’s hard to explain subjunctive in English when it’s only used in a couple stock phrases any more. As opposed to German where you’ll see it in every news article (less often in speech, but still very much alive).

      • Mojeaux

        Or this gem:

        “My hands need washed.”

      • Bobarian LMD

        some thing orange torpedo?
        some thing flesh tuxedo?

      • Mojeaux

        By that, I mean, we were taught that was called a compound noun. “Chicken” of “chicken soup” did not have its own label.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        A compound noun is a noun phrase in which a noun serves as the head of the phrase and a noun adjunct is its adnominal dependent.

        8th graders don’t need to get into Syntax 101 in order to write their paper on what they did over summer vacation.

      • Mojeaux

        I could diagram that just fine; I just didn’t know “noun adjacent” was a thing. Soup in the noun slot and chicken on a slanted line under soup.

        My senior year of college, I took a diagramming class. It was…intense.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        There a lot of concepts in what laymen call “grammar” that have “schoolboy” labels and linguist labels. Like if you say you broke your kneecap, we all know what that is, but a doctor is going to use the term “patella” on his chart.

      • Mojeaux

        Adjacent: In a former life I was a medical transcriptionist. That clarifies a lot of grammar.

        Actually, I’ve made my living most of my life being a transcriptionist. Listening to how people talk, the rhythms of speech, having to figure out how to punctuate natural speech, is an unbelievably solid foundation for relaying tone and rhythm in dialogue.

      • invisible finger

        My brother’s oncologist wrote “Patel, A.” on his chart.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        @invisible

        Does your brother own a motel now?

      • invisible finger

        No, he bought the farm a few weeks ago.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        I’m sorry to hear that.

      • Ted S.

        8th graders don’t need to get into Syntax 101 in order to write their paper on what they did over summer vacation.

        When I started with Russian my freshman year of college, one of the books we had to buy was English Grammar for Students of Russian (there were similar books for people taking German, French, and so on). I don’t remember how much the book in particular helped, but knowing about grammar from having already taken German and French in high school helped tremendously (specifically cases and declension).

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Yes! When you study another language it helps to know grammar as you obtain the language (actually, we call it meta-language) to conceptualize the differences between your native language and the target language.

      • Mojeaux

        I didn’t know nouns were declined in English until I had to take Old English. Oh, hell, I didn’t know there was such a thing as declining nouns.

        I don’t actually know why all those linguistics classes were wrapped up in a creative writing degree, but whatevs.

      • Rhywun

        I was gonna guess some weird genitive plural whatnot. My русский is pretty limited to a couple books on my shelf.

      • Ted S.

        Genitive singular of an adjective. Убийства and катера are both genitive singular nouns, of “murder” and “cutter” respectively.

        What threw me at first was that the last three words are all possessives of one form or another (since English doesn’t have a full-fledged genitive case like German or Russian). I was trying to figure out what was pertaining to what. The first half is one discrete part, “murder implement”, while the second half is a second discrete part as well. “Cutter with torpedoes” might be a better way to translate it, although military jargon is not the sort of stuff you learn in standard-issue language classes so I could be off.

      • Sensei

        And welcome to Japanese – which like to do this… differently.

        Grammatically, these words are nouns, or more technically, nominals, which function attributively (like adjectives) – the main differences being that nouns take a 〜の -no suffix when acting attributively, while these words take a 〜な -na suffix when acting attributively, and that most of these words cannot be used as the agent or patient (i.e. subject) of a sentence, but otherwise behaving essentially identically grammatically. Thus, they are variously referred to as “adjectival verbs” (literal translation), “adjectival nouns” (nouns that function adjectivally), na-adjectives (function as adjectives, take na), and na-nominals (nominals that take na).

      • Mojeaux

        Y’know, I had my brush up with a foreign language with 1 year of high school French. So as a family 4 years later, we went to Europe and in France I tried, really really tried to speak French. I found out that people use numbers a lot more than one would have thought.

        I also found out French speakers are super nice if you at least TRY. They’ll smile sweetly and speak English for you. Very polite.

      • Sensei

        Numbers are positively awful to learn and work with.

        Japanese has different number systems for different things being counted and an awful 10,000 unit. So for example 1 million is expressed as “one thousand of 10,000”.

      • Ted S.

        Isn’t a million 100 x 10000? :-p

        And then there’s Indian English, which has “lakh” (100k if memory serves) and “crore” (10 million).

      • Sensei

        Yeah – my bad – was trying to write it out in way that made sense in English!

        百万

        hyaku + man. 100 10,000

      • Ted S.

        I actually wanted to use the term “attributive adjective”, but in English that’s something different.

        And wouldn’t adjectival verbs be participles?

      • Sensei

        My knowledge of linguistics and (non-English) grammar ain’t great.

        I’m happy to be corrected, but my understanding is adjectival verbs in Japanese are essentially full blown verbs. You can actually inflect them just like a full blown verb.

        Japanese equivalents of adjectives

        adjectival verb (Japanese: 形容詞, keiyōshi, literally “adjective”), or i-adjectives
        These can be considered specialized verbs, and have a conjugating ending -i which can become, for example, past or negative. For example, atsui (暑い) “hot”:
        暑い日 (Atsui hi) (“a hot day”)
        今日は暑い。(Kyō wa atsui.) (“Today is hot.”)

      • Heroic Mulatto

        And wouldn’t adjectival verbs be participles?

        Participles aren’t a linguistic universal. They exist in some language families, like I-E, but not in others, like Japonic or Sino-Tibetan. For example, in Thai, any adjective can function as an attributive verb, but because verbs aren’t conjugated in Thai, it would make no sense to call an adjective acting this way a “participle” because there is no morphological distinction between a verb and adjective.

      • Caput Lupinum

        And then there highly agglutinative languages where everything can be an affix and single words can contain more meaning than a run on sentence and syntax cries. Hungarian is brain breaking sometimes.

      • Mojeaux

        Hungarian is not an Indo-European language.

        Of course that’s only a side note coming from someone who can’t speak anything but English. :/

      • Ted S.

        You didn’t have to learn a foreign language to do your mission?

      • Caput Lupinum

        I’m aware, and it is almost as hard to learn for native English speakers as most artistic languages are. Seriously, any language where this: legösszetettebbszóhosszúságvilágrekorddöntéskényszerneurózistünetegyüttesmegnyilvánulásfejleszthetőségvizsgálataitokról can be a valid word is fucking weird. This language is my windmill.

      • Mojeaux

        I did not go on a mission. (Also, you don’t necessarily get called to do a foreign language mission.)

        When I was that age (late 80s), a girl going on a mission was still kind of a stigma (it was really bad in the 70s). Girls only went on missions if they couldn’t get married by the time they graduated from college, or girls who couldn’t get into college and had no marriage prospects and didn’t know what to do after high school.

      • Mojeaux

        This language is my windmill.

        How do you say “tilt” in Hungarian, amirite?!

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Hungarian is not a human language.

        It was originally spoken by space aliens.

      • Sensei

        Caput Lupinum-

        This language is my windmill.

        Rock on my brother!

      • Mojeaux

        if they couldn’t get married

        Subtext: Ugly/fat girls.

      • Caput Lupinum

        The best translation for tilt would be bajvívás, probably; since tilt is being used in a slightly archaic way in the English translation of Quixote, a true translation would require finding the appropriate word for the jousting technique used in contemporary Hungarian, and now you’ve sent me down a rabbit hole.

        Thanks, Mojeaux

      • Mojeaux

        and now you’ve sent me down a rabbit hole.

        Thanks, Mojeaux

        Heh.

    • Private Chipperbot

      I think I see torpedo in there.

    • Private Chipperbot

      Ha. Google translate says Murder weapon, torpedo boats!

      • Tonio

        Thanks.

    • Caput Lupinum

      Orange is оранжевый, apparently. Chipperbot is correct tat gre third word is torpedo. I’ve given up on guessing the rest.

    • Ted S.

      Murder weapon of a torpedo cutter (cutter as in the type of boat, so a cutter armed with torpedo tubes fired the weapon).

      At least, I’m assuming this is some sort of weapon fired from a torpedo tube. If he’s trying to say that the weapon killed the people in a torpedo cutter, then he shouldn’t have used the word убийство.

      • Ted S.

        Actually, that’s slightly off: орудие is a tool, implement, or ordnance; a weapon is оружие.

      • grrizzly

        Катер is a much more common/generic Russian word than a cutter in English. I’d go with a boat.

      • Ted S.

        Yeah, Wikipedia says “torpedo boat” is a specific type of boat in the navy. I wouldn’t have known in English exactly what sort of boat that is.

    • BakedPenguin

      Tonio, I didn’t see your question at first. It’s bastardized Russian for “Murder weapon torpedo boat.” TedS is probably correct, he knows Russian far better than I do.

      • BakedPenguin

        Or what he said right above.

    • grrizzly

      The murder weapon of a torpedo boat!

  17. kinnath

    I have a short break in an 8-hour meeting at work today.

    Then I have a three-day weekend meeting with friends and probably drinking too much.

    For those that expressed concern yesterday, I saw my brother last night. He starts a new job today. So he is in good shape until he looses this job for non-performance due to ongoing depression. And then we’ll start over.

    • Mojeaux

      BTDT. Kinda sorta in it right now.

      Good luck to him, and you are a saint for understanding and helping him through.

    • Bob Boberson

      The Bee continues it’s savage awesomeness. I stopped over and these are the first three headlines:

      “Marionette Strings Clearly Visible During Greta Thunberg Testimony”

      “Man Sure Is Glad He Switched From E-Cigs To Regular, Healthier Cigarettes”

      “Democrats Introduce Debate Strategy Of Holding Up Small Child Whenever Their Positions Are Challenged”

      They truly do God’s work

      • Mojeaux

        I wish I could find it, BUT I cannot, so bear with me. Meme going around FB:

        “Commercial” touting new, single-use [comes in a box of 20], biodegradable vapes, made with organic materials [insert vid of tobacco harvester], biodegradable paper [insert vid of a cigarette].

        Hilarious.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        By “conspiracy theorist”, she obviously meant “Jew”.

      • Bob Boberson

        Well it is always (((them))) what dun it

      • Bob Boberson

        Eventually this took me down this rabbit hole:

        https://reason.com/2019/09/24/think-globally-shame-constantly-the-rise-of-greta-thunberg-environmentalism/#comments

        And of course The Jacket has to start out by signalling that he’s not one-of-those-sorts-of people:

        To say that reactions to Thunberg are as extreme as her rhetoric is an understatement. When I tweeted about her remarks earlier today, my timeline quickly filled with replies such as “Hitler also liked using pigtailed propaganda girls” and “She is a prop and a tool for eco-communism. A propaganda icon that needs to be destroyed.” Of course, President Trump weighed in, posting a clip of her speech and commenting sarcastically, “She seems like a very happy young girl looking forward to a bright and wonderful future. So nice to see!”

        Not a bad article but damn you can be tiresome, Nick.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        commenting sarcastically

        [citation needed]

      • Bob Boberson

        And of course the inevitable equivocation at the end:

        Greta Thunberg’s histrionics are likely heartfelt but neither they nor the deplorable responses they conjure are a guide forward to good environmental policy in a world that is getting richer every day.

      • Ted S.

        And the people who disagree with Thunberg aren’t “heartfelt”, but “deplorable”.

      • Bobarian LMD

        To be sure.

      • Bob Boberson

        To Ted S: I guess it wouldn’t be TOS if the conservatives weren’t deplorable whereas the Progs are merely misguided.

      • invisible finger

        Nick is too far up his own ass to realize that the world getting richer every day is precisely what the enviros are bitching about.

      • robc

        As much as I love the Bee, I wish they stuck a little closer to their original target audience. I love the Christian-based humor.

        I am not saying they shouldn’t venture into other areas, they should just tone it back some.

      • Rhywun

        LOL

      • AlmightyJB

        Seriously, who here is writing articles for them?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        I, too, wish Amy Grant would go back to where she came from.

      • Naptown Bill

        Music like that basically necessitates bands like Morbid Angel.

      • Raston Bot

        “Parents Allow 6-Year-Old Son To Begin Transitioning Into A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Per His Wishes”

        “Pennywise Now Frightening Children With Presentation On Climate Change”

        “Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee Claimed AR-15s Are As Heavy As 10 Boxes. Fact Check: FALSE. They Are Actually As Heavy As Your Mom”

        “Press Warns That Trump Is Actually A Wolf Coming To Devour The Village And This Time They Mean It”

        “Homeless Man Rejects Charity After Searching Through Giver’s Tweet History”

        these are all winners.

      • Rhywun

        “Homeless Man Rejects Charity After Searching Through Giver’s Tweet History”

        Oh wow. Beautiful.

  18. BakedPenguin

    Good one, SF. Is CPRM’s next cartoon going to be a Yaoi version of this?

    • BakedPenguin

      Oops. Wrong thread.

      • Bob Boberson

        Too many people in too many different rooms, this confusion will not stand, man.

    • SugarFree

      It will be if he knows what’s best.

      • Florida Man

        Next challenge:

        SF vs CPRM.

        FIGHT!!!

      • BakedPenguin

        Nah. SF knows having his stories illustrated will multiply their horror.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      “I’m telling you, you know what, Donald Trump is the last hope for white people, cause Hillary will give it to all the minorities to get a vote,” former Bordentown Township Chief Frank Nucera said, according to a transcript displayed at trial. “That’s the truth! I’m telling you.”

      It’s amazing to me how many people have become frothing at the mouth racists because they fear the loss of their government-issued, taxpayer-funded entitlements.

      • Florida Man

        Hands off my Medicare, LIBTARD!

      • Sean

        Everyone in that story sounds like a POS, but the headline just has to be about Trump.

        /facepalm.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Or how many people have become pro-open (southern) border only

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Who’s that?

        Seriously, you know what I think about imaginary lines, and I’ve never heard of such an animal.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I don’t believe I mentioned you. Take ‘er down now

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I always thought we shared the same views on immigration, so if I were referring to you, I’d be criticizing myself

      • Heroic Mulatto

        No, I mean, are there really people who advocate for only the southern border to be open but other borders to be restricted or closed? I’ve never heard someone argue that outside of caricature by the opposing side.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        That’s literally the only position anyone argues.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Let me know when you hear someone talking about visa wait times or reforming and streamlining the visa system. Or making it easier for those without relatives in the US to immigrate.

        Even “sanctuary cities” do exactly nothing to protect legal immigrants in the US, because it doesn’t matter if they won’t hold you for ICE- it’s already on your record. And good luck getting a job in a white collar profession without a visa.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Let me know when you hear someone talking about visa wait times or reforming and streamlining the visa system. Or making it easier for those without relatives in the US to immigrate.

        I talk to myself all the time. 🙂

        I’m involved in such advocacy, so perhaps my perspective is a bit skewed.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        “I’m involved in such advocacy, so perhaps my perspective is a bit skewed.”

        So was I, at one time.

        I became disillusioned because the rationale behind the work shifted rather dramatically a couple of years back.

        I am speaking more of on the political level. I’ve seen suggestions about decriminalizing border crossings, but no discussion about reducing visa wait times which would solve the “problem” of illegal immigration.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I was working with ICIRR as a volunteer

      • grrizzly

        No, I mean, are there really people who advocate for only the southern border to be open but other borders to be restricted or closed?

        This is a correct description of the position held by the open border proponents. Not once have they mentioned abolishing even tourist visas for Russians, Ukrainians, Chinese, Nigerians, etc. On the contrary, numerous waves of sanctions imposed on Russia led to the closure of two Russian consulates in the US and a US consulate in St. Petersburg, which made crossing the non-southern border substantially more difficult for Russians. When did the open-border-reason types condemn the recent anti-Russian sanctions?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I support efforts to streamline immigration. Ideally there would be no quotas on immigration. Ideally we could provide green cards after performing a background search.

        Instead we get sanctuary cities and decriminalizing border crossings which benefit a small sliver of immigrants and protects the jobs of white collar professionals, while disadvantaging low skill professions.

      • robc

        My open border position has mostly focused on eliminated H1B. I want to make it as easy as possible for anyone, whether Mexican, Russian, or Indian to **work** in the US. Path to citizenship is an entirely different issue (and I am not entirely opposed to ending birthright citizenship).

      • Naptown Bill

        @robc: That’s my inclination as well. I do not consider myself a proponent of open borders (nor would anyone else) but I am in favor of making immigration easier. My issues lie with security–we should know who is entering the country–and spending–we need to know the real population when budgeting for domestic spending, including social welfare spending. Setting aside whether or not illegal immigrants represent a net gain or loss in revenue based on consumption taxes or whatever, the current situation is sort of like having a potluck dinner where all of a sudden uninvited people start showing up and hanging out in the living room. Maybe some of them aren’t eating, and maybe some of them brought beer, but assuming some of them are partaking you now no longer have a good idea of who’s having dinner and whether or not you’ve got enough rolls, if you’ll forgive the analogy.

      • robc

        I consider my position to be open border, as I (within reason) am okay with any coming into the country. The within reason is basic background checks, I don’t see any reason to let in terrorists or felons.

        But, being here and becoming a citizen are too entirely separate issues and have nothing to do with borders.

        My not-quite-as-open compromise position I call the “Purple Card”.

        Anyone, no quotas or limits, who passes the basic background check can get one. It allows you to work in the US for up to 330 days. When you leave, you turn it in, and 30 days later you can start a new period.

        So, basically, anyone can work in the US 11 out of 12 months. If they are Tech workers, they would probably just work remote the other month. Farm and construction work is generally seasonal, so no problem there either. I know it would cause some problems for some jobs, but it is a compromise solution.

        The Purple Card, unlike the Green Card, is not on the citizenship path. Green Cards would still exist under current rules. H-1B would go away as unneeded.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        The “More Conchita, less Sanjay” phenomenon seems more prevalent to me, but that may be a consequence of where someone lives. And may also be because people don’t think that is a bad position to hold and so they are more open about their cronyism. They are no less pushing a policy that advantages them to the disadvantage of others

      • kbolino

        Ok, I think I see what you mean now. There does seem to be a contingent, not sure how large it is though, that is decidedly warmer on immigration from the Americas than from Asia.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        If you are a white collar professional, the existing immigration system ensures that the labor market for your job is tight. If you are a low skilled worker, the existing de facto “open (southern) border” position ensures that your labor market is flush.

        Do you recall how apoplectic the corporate press became when the administration suggested that skill sets be an advantage in someone attaining a visa?

        Pretty sure that contingency is pretty big

      • kbolino

        This contingent also trends liberal, so that may play a part in it getting downplayed. Also, disliking Asians could be seen as punching up (see also: Jews) so therefore justified in the woke worldview.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Now they might be “liberal”, but this is a bipartisan deal that everyone signed on with: cheap low skill labor and a heavily restricted white collar labor force.

        I don’t want to ascribe malice to anyone, but I don’t doubt that some dislike Jews or Asians as much as this asshole cop hates brown people

      • Naptown Bill

        I don’t know how much reluctance there is towards increased skilled labor immigration or white-collar immigration, but I would definitely say that immigration as an issue these days seems to be heavily conflated with illegal immigration from south of the border. I think that’s largely a political ploy to paint Trump as a racist and potentially a kind of ploy to generate a political power base in that population. It’s also a lot easier to point to a young, impoverished mother struggling to carry her small children as a sympathetic case than a well-fed, professionally-dressed, clean-cut young man with a laptop bag.

        What sucks is that you see guys like this cop who are genuinely racist supporting Trump because the policies under his predecessor were racist too, just not in favor of white people. So Trump moving towards a more law-and-order approach, although not racist, is favored by racists who benefit from it. Because, duh, people are in favor of policies that benefit them.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        The “More Conchita, less Sanjay” phenomenon seems more prevalent to me

        Again, I have to say that I’ve never encountered someone in the wild that wants to restrict H1-Bs but also make it easier for low-skilled Latin American workers to enter.

        Maybe I just don’t know enough citrus orchard owners.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Yeah, I’ve heard a ton of people talk about reducing visa wait times (you know where the majority of our immigration comes from). The citrus orchard line is cute, though. Because people in the Philippines are waiting upwards of ten years to work in citrus orchards.

      • kbolino

        Are there that many Canadians streaming south?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        There are a fuck ton of immigrants that don’t border us who are waiting upwards of eleven years to receive a visa. And amazingly that accounts for the majority of our immigration. But, sure Canadians

      • kbolino

        You, ICE, and the Supreme Court may consider airports to be borders but normal people don’t. That having been said, I was half joking and further explanation on your part clarified what you meant.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        If you’re an engineer and you live in India and want to immigrate to the US, even with family sponsors you’re waiting years before you get your green card. If you don’t have family in the US you’re going to be waiting a while.

        Do you really think an engineer could illegally come to the US and receive employment in his field? Come on, now. White collar jobs require background checks. They’re not hiring you.

        So you’re stuck in the system of waiting. Revising the visa system is an actual open border policy that would streamline the immigration system. Advocating for an open southern border is just pantomiming “open borders” for those sweet sweet virtue signal points

      • kbolino

        They say our politicians don’t represent the people but that’s only somewhat true. White collar workers vote, and it is unsurprising that so many policies seem geared towards their interests now. I’m dreading the day unionization and a labor mentality become common for office workers.

      • kbolino

        My last comment would better fit in the thread above.

      • kbolino

        For the original white nationalists here (Know Nothings, the KKK after Forrest) and in Europe (you know who else…?), this was definitely true. The purpose of the state was to protect and benefit the nation and the nation was the “right” people.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Agreed. I shouldn’t have distracted from this asshole cop

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Richard Spencer agrees.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s New Jersey. They give up 75% of their income and then jockey for power in a vain attempt to get it back and then some.

        And again, it’s New Jersey.

    • Tundra

      The Master Race seems a little lame.

      I’m gonna keep shopping around.

  19. Tundra

    I love these. Is it me, or could crooked Hunter be RDA as well?

    Great work, BP!

    • Gustave Lytton

      Random drugged asshole? Possible.

      • BakedPenguin

        *scratches chin*

      • Bobarian LMD

        Show me dem tiddies!

      • Sean

        *lifts shirt*

      • AlexinCT

        MOOBS!

    • Florida Man

      Kids are dumb, what else is new?

      • AlmightyJB

        Some of them seemed to not be overly brainwashed.

  20. AlmightyJB

    Awesome as always, but where meh tig bitties?

    • UnCivilServant

      Look down. They usually don’t wander far.

      • AlmightyJB

        Lol

    • Tonio

      I’m assuming he likes to mix it up to keep it from being too formulaic. Also, builds anticipation and demand, ie good showmanship.

      • BakedPenguin

        Thanks, Tonio. Snopes rates your response is mostly true.

        JB, Don’t worry, Q is still around.

      • AlmightyJB

        🙂

      • BakedPenguin

        Probably should have added that sometimes I don’t come up with good enough jokes, and sometimes it’s hard to find a ‘reporter’ with hands/arms easily manipulated to look like they’re holding a microphone.

      • Tundra

        Most of them have the décolletage to easily accommodate a mic.

        Just a suggestion.

      • SugarFree

        Yes, like Molly Ringwald putting on lipstick in The Breakfast Club.

      • Mad Scientist

        No, that won’t work. BP uses hot chicks, or at the very least plain chicks.

      • BakedPenguin

        *scratches chin*

  21. DrOtto

    H&H and SNP in the same day? That’s a speedball of entertainment!

  22. R C Dean

    I just checked, and incredibly, we still have our Family-Friendly certification.

    • Mojeaux

      Curses! Foiled again!

      • R C Dean

        I don’t know what more we could do to lose it.

      • Chipwooder

        Goatse?

      • AlexinCT

        Erm…

      • robc

        SF: Challenge accepted!

    • Mad Scientist

      Manson Family Friendly, for sure.

  23. Raphael

    XENU COMIN’. Thanks BP for the comic and man, that SNP keeps getting away with everything, shucks.

  24. R C Dean

    Just did a little catching up on my lunch hour.

    Man, what an utter train wreck this Ukraine phone call/whistleblower thing is. For the Dems and the DemOp Media, that is. Schiff had to claim that his fabricated quotes from the call were meant as parody. The whistleblower had zero first hand knowledge and based his complaint in part on media reports. All the major news outlets left out chunks of the transcript to create the appearance of a quid pro quo. it just goes on and on.

    It looks a lot like this whole thing was a rerun of the FISA warrant fiasco and the startup of the Mueller investigation – make something up, leak it to the press, cite press reports as confirmation. The cherry on top is, wait for it, FusionGPS has fingerprints on this! Some their people and associates are involved.

    • JaimeRoberto: Gentleman, Scholar, French Tickler

      The quotes were a parody, and a way to get them into the official record.

    • Naptown Bill

      I didn’t read the whole transcript yet, but once I hit the part where it’s a “whistleblower” reporting things that the person heard other people say other people heard I tuned out. There’s nothing there. It’s ridiculous that this is even getting a minute’s attention.

  25. Tres Cool

    Since I cant get it out of my head….

    /sksksksk
    /and I oop

      • Mojeaux

        Yes, that is the exact video I hear every time I see sksksksk and and I oop.

        It’s a little like watching a train slam into a semi that’s stuck on a railroad track. It’s horrible and awful, but you just can’t look away…

      • Agent Cooper

        I love the Anti-Hijab thing she’s got going on.

  26. Not Adahn

    Just got back from the new club which has a foot switch-operated automatic clay thrower. Standing next to the thrower is cheating, but it didn’t dawn on me until after I had finished that the pedal cord was long enough that I could have moved a few yards away at least.

    Anyway, CZ 1012: 25 trigger pulls, 25 booms, 25 hulls ejected and the next one reloaded (if any were left in the magazine). I might get an aftermarket pad if I’m going to do this seriously — it’s a pretty light gun.