The Awesome Adventures of Secret Nazi President!!!11!!1!!! Vol 41: Oh, Canada!

by | Oct 24, 2019 | Secret Nazi President | 166 comments

About The Author

Penguin

Penguin

BakedPenguin is a graduate of some school or another, smells like a homeless person, and has the friendly demeanor of a rabid wolverine.

166 Comments

  1. Shirley Knott

    Lovely.
    Although a watching hyena would have been nice.

  2. Grummun

    “aboot”

    Legit LOL

    • Swiss Servator

      Zenu comin’…He wants coffee.

  3. Naptown Bill

    I for one think there should be more Canadian features, provided Tessa is the correspondent.

    • R C Dean

      Concur. She is an excellent argument for white supremacy.

    • BEAM's not normal, y'all

      Tessa Virtue? Abso-fucking-LUTELY!

  4. Rhywun

    The 3rd panel left me in stitches.

    • Swiss Servator

      Absolutely. I am still laughing.

  5. Tundra

    Excellent, BP!

    Tessa and RDR are welcome additions, and I love the flag!

    • Not Adahn

      Ditto on the flag.

      • BakedPenguin

        Thx Tundra, NA – I saw the Red Ensign had 3 maple leafs at the bottom of it’s crest.

      • BakedPenguin

        …and took it from there.

        Swiss, check the Dashboard.

      • Swiss Servator

        But how can I have it made into an actual flag?

      • BakedPenguin

        Flags.com? A little pricey, although you might be able to talk them down a bit, since they already have the basic red ensign design.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    Tessa makes me want to defect to Canada.

  7. BakedPenguin

    Note: to everyone – Tessa is (or was) an actual member of the Canada WNT. I did an image search for “Canadian woman”, and she was in one of the top few rows. I thought she’d be a great addition to the Newsish Canada bureau. I’ll continue to think so until I get a Cease and Desist letter.

    • R C Dean

      Its like somebody grew the Platonic ideal of the Girl Next Door in a lab.

      • BakedPenguin

        RC: Yes, right out of central casting – and with looks like that, I’m guessing she’s not/wasn’t playing on the checking line.

      • Ted S.

        Checking isn’t allowed in women’s hockey, if memory serves.

      • Naptown Bill

        Oh, shit, that’s it. She’s got that like super-cute thing going on where she’s really attractive but in a “could be a mom” way, not a “could be a porn star” way.

      • Ozymandias

        And she’s still got all her chiclets, eh?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Where is the hockey hair?

      • Not Adahn

        Women’s helmets are specially designed not to interfere with the ‘do.

      • Not Adahn

        It’s the dimples and cleft chin.

  8. Rhywun

    OT: Good riddance

    And change your party to Democrat while you’re at it.

    Johnson advocates forgiving up to $50,000 for anyone with federal student debt, which would immediately cancel the debt of 37 million borrowers. To pay for the plan, he proposes a one percent tax on corporate earnings.

    We are really fucked if Republicans are submitting to yet another crazy leftist demand.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Make it dischargeable in bankruptcy. End federal guarantees. The rest will work itself naturally.

      • R C Dean

        Don’t be ridiculous. A problem created by the government can’t possibly be solved with less government.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Too simple, come up with some kind of impossibly convoluted and ineffective bullshit and get back to me.

      • Raston Bot

        seems like a reasonable compromise.

    • R C Dean

      The rot really runs deep, doesn’t it?

    • Not Adahn

      Do those of us without student debt also get a $50,000 check? I ain’t gonna lie, I could have some fun with that.

      • UnCivilServant

        Just take one credit-hour of courses on loans.

      • Yusef Adama

        Time served in trade school? I’ll take it

    • Raven Nation

      I found out that, under the “non-profit” student loan forgiveness clauses, college faculty are included. So, if you run up student debt to get a PhD and then get a tenured faculty position, your student loans will eventually (5 years?) be forgiven.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        LOL. The grievance studies programs would immediately dry up and go away. Not gonna happen, they’re the biggest bitchers in the system.

      • AlmightyJB

        It would be fun to see that meltdown:)

      • Rhywun

        Or they would only be pursued by privileged layabouts. Oh wait, that’s already the case.

      • mikey

        FTA
        “The Brookings Institution found that 28 percent of students don’t even know they have a loan.”

        WTF? How is this even possible?

      • Raven Nation

        Some students fill out a financial aid package which includes grants, scholarships, and loans. Then they don’t pay attention to what they get.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I was fortunate enough that we could pay the bill outright. But dad always wrote me the check and made me write another one to the university so I would choke on the figure a little.

  9. Not Adahn

    Tessa seems less culty than any of Newsish’s other foreign correspondents.

    • Raven Nation

      See seems nice.

      • Private Chipperbot

        What the fuck is ‘Yarp’?

      • Not Adahn

        If “yep” is too formal of an affirmative, “yarp” is a step down.

      • Grummun
    • R C Dean

      Ugh. DO NOT WANT to be exposed to other people’s sloppy marital drama.

    • Ozymandias

      I like that people in Congress, who are TOTALLY QUALIFIED to pass laws on the rest of society, are beginning to have their bullshit aired out in public. This woman is a complete train wreck. I mean, holy shit, trazadone, booze, missing flights, drunk at Congressional functions in the middle of the day… It’s perfect.

      If every citizen in the US got to go to the halls of Congress or meet these shitheels up close and personal, there might actually be a movement to (perhaps) lessen the influence of Congress on the rest of us. Maybe I’ll suggest a bill that requires all Congresscritters to take a breathalyzer and drug test as they come into the Capitol. And on that thought experiment, what do you think the results would be? Honestly.

      • Swiss Servator

        How many Kennedy family members are in Congress?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        How many are sober enough to know where they are at this moment?

      • AlmightyJB

        Everyone in Congress is a Kennedy. They’re like our Tulpa.

  10. Ozymandias

    Put me down as a solid vote for the flag with the team logos being the new Canadian flag.

  11. R C Dean

    Picking up on Naptown Bill from the previous thread:

    It seems that, generally, urban areas trend Democrat and suburban/rural areas trend Republican. A lot of ink gets spilled analyzing why that’s the case. I don’t have a good working thesis myself. Every time I think I’ve figured it out I either can’t make the causal connection or come up with too many counterexamples.

    My theory is based on the fabled anonymity of urban areas. You go through your day, and you see mostly people you don’t know and will never know, and don’t know you and will never know you. This means your monkey-brain can’t really get comfortable with the people who form your human environment, and wants something to keep it feeling relatively secure. That something is a strong pack leader, reified into a strong government.

    Because you don’t know anybody, you can’t trust anybody to do the right thing/conform to your ideas of how they should act, and so you want someone to make sure they do – hence the inevitable Nanny State micro-management. You don’t want to use plastic straws, you don’t think anyone else should, but there are no informal/social mechanism you can rely on to get everybody else to stop using plastic straws, so you support the local power structure forcing everybody to stop using plastic straws. Repeat ad infinitum.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      My theory is that many people in large urban areas feel cut off and the govt acts in their psychology as sort of a surrogate family that’s obligated to help in times of hardship like a family will do and they vote accordingly. Rural people generally don’t have quite the same feelings of isolation from their roots.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        And a reread of your comment tells me we’re pretty much saying the same thing.

    • leon

      Interesting. Another thing i think I’ve seen is that because cities have such a large population, City governments are able to do much, much more than they do in rural areas, because they have the funds. Tax bases are wider, there are much more transactions etc. This leads to a populace that is much more used to governments being around telling them what can and can’t be done. It’s a bit of a cyclical thing.

  12. Swiss Servator

    This was a really strong installment of SNP. Truly grand work.

  13. Gender Traitor

    I can’t make out all the SNP text on my phone’s tiny (2″ x 3.4″) display. Does anyone make a decent smart phone with a larger display but with a physical keypad? (I have fat thumbs, so I prefer real keys.)

    The Jolson pic, though, made me LOL.

      • Gender Traitor

        Cute! ?

      • Rhywun

        Funny how the trend actually went in the opposite direction.

        Bonus hand-model squick.

    • BakedPenguin

      In any future ones I do, I could start cutting them up into individual images.

      • Gender Traitor

        Please don’t go to any trouble on my account. My birthday’s next month, so I just want another excuse to upgrade my phone if I can find one I like.

  14. Rebel Scum

    Tessa

    I’d like to take her for a zamboni ride, if you take my meaning.

    • Gender Traitor

      A zamboni’s a type of salami, isn’t…? Hey! Wait a minute!

  15. Private Chipperbot

    No love for the Winnipeg Thrashers on that flag?

    • Raston Bot

      yes, what’s up with that. one of the top-3 teams in all of Canada, maybe even Manitoba, gets the snub!?

      • BakedPenguin

        Jeez, I had the random drunken Canadian come from Beausejour, wasn’t that enough MB representation enough? I didn’t even mention SK or the Maritimes.

    • Rebel Scum

      Amazingly, Taylor met Adam Schiff’s staffer in Ukraine on August 25, four days prior to Politico publishing the leak.

      Nothing to see here. Move along, citizen.

      • leon

        Adam Schiff is such a tool.

      • Chipwooder

        He’s got to be the most incompetent plotter ever. Everything he does is more transparent than a window pane.

  16. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Peak Derp Is A Myth

    STDs are sexist, and women are the losers. Here’s why

    Simply put, because “STDs are biologically and psycho-socially sexist at all levels,” said Dr. Hunter Handsfield, a professor emeritus of medicine at the University of Washington Center for AIDS and STD who has studied sexually transmitted diseases for 40 years.
    “Women bear the largest burden of these diseases,” agreed Dr. Edward Hook, co-director of the Center for Social Medicine and Sexually Transmitted Diseases at the University of Alabama at Birmingham.

    • Sensei

      I’ll try to be kind to the quoted experts and assume the CNN wanted to frame this story. Part of the reason why when I worked on Wall St. we stopped talking to them. Still that’s being charitable.

      OT – I’ve been MIA all week because of work. I get avatars on my phone, but not at work. Given the hamster driven proxy server we use at work I’m assuming something has a certificate failure which means at least 30 days before I’ll see them again at work. How long has this been going on here?

      • Gender Traitor

        Couple of days. Seems to vary w/OS & browser. I, too, see ’em on Android phone w/Chrome but not Windows laptop w/Firefox.

      • Sensei

        Thx!

    • Mad Scientist

      Out through the night
      An’ the whispering breezes
      To the place where they keep
      The Imaginary Diseases

    • Ted S.

      Gay men die of AIDS, women hardest hit.

    • UnCivilServant

      Who are Bert and Ernie?

      Don’t ask, don’t tell.

      Why are there so many people using muppet avatars in this chat room?

      This isn’t a chat room.

      Why can’t I see avatars anymore?

      You closed your third eye

      Did you know Tundra looks nothing like his avatar?

      Yes.

    • Gender Traitor

      Do you look like YOUR avatar (which I CAN see right now?)

      • pistoffnick

        Look at Miss Privileged ovah here! ;^)

        No, I do not look like Yao Ming

      • Gender Traitor

        Your avatar doesn’t look like Yao Ming either. ?

      • pistoffnick

        It’s the Pooh bear ears and nose that trip you up.

      • Gender Traitor

        It’s the Pooh bear ears and nose that make you so cute.

      • UnCivilServant

        I can attest to that. You were not 7′ 6″.

      • pistoffnick

        I’m a grower not a show-er

      • pistoffnick

        Circumferentially I might be 7′-6″

    • R C Dean

      Why are there so many people using muppet avatars in this chat room?

      Muppets = puppets = sock puppets = Tulpa

      • Sean

        ?

      • Ozymandias

        One of the greatest lines in a movie that is filled with great lines. And it doesn’t matter how many times I see it; it doesn’t matter that I know it’s coming.
        It slays me every. single. time.
        It’s not just the line, either. It’s the ref’s reaction as he looks around. The whole thing. Just Beautiful.

  17. Suthenboy

    Re: the discussion above on urbanites and their love for big gov.

    New Orleans was the bluest of blue cities and loved them some big gov despite the wildly corrupt city government. Then in 2005 they had a visitor and found out just what big gov was worth. It is still a blue city because it is full of idiots that cannot learn. When the next Katrina comes I will have no sympathy and will not lift a finger to help them.

    • Bobarian LMD

      I heard Katrina was all the Republican’s fault.

      • Swiss Servator

        Cheney’s weather machine!!!1!!!1!oneoneone!

    • Akira

      Then in 2005 they had a visitor and found out just what big gov was worth. It is still a blue city

      I thought Mayor Nagin transformed it into a chocolate city?

    • Private Chipperbot

      Ha. Holy shit. Those photos.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      This keeps getting better and better.

      These are our leaders everyone.

    • leon

      I cannot stand Idly by why this poor girls reputation is besmirched. She is a Hero. What other representative is giving the people what they want? I don’t see any of the other congresscritters lining up to get nude photos for their constituents. But no, we have to analyze and criticize every little flaw. The Nazi Era ended in 1945. There is no way a young female representative could have a Tattoo form the Nazi Era.

      • Not Adahn

        She had it transplanted from the original owner.

      • Akira

        But no, we have to analyze and criticize every little flaw. The Nazi Era ended in 1945. There is no way a young female representative could have a Tattoo form the Nazi Era.

        It’s just amusing that for every hard-Left puritan screaming “racist racist racist” at every single thing, there’s some of the exact same shit in their past. The “Nazi” tattoo is a stupid thing to be mad about, but I think it’s ultimately beneficial to point out when people fail to live up to the standards that they stringently demand from everyone else.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s galling because the pols, with a few particularly moronic exceptions, don’t believe the bullshit they spew. Yet they continue to try to ruin people’s lives in the interest of furthering their own careers and the useful idiots lap it up.

      • Gender Traitor

        Not having seen the pics, for all I know “from the Nazi era” could mean Betty Boop.

      • Private Chipperbot

        It’s a crappy iron cross tattoo. Nothing to do with nazis. If it was someone with a R next to their name there would be riots in the streets.

      • AlmightyJB

        Or FDR, which truely would be despicable.

      • Shirley Knott

        Now be fair. Anthony Weiner tried.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      as sources revealed Hill and Heslep also posted her naked photos online under a thread called ‘WouldYouF**kMyWife’.

      That’s a no from me dawg.

      • Sean

        I dunno. She sounds like a lot of fun.

      • Rebel Scum

        And I though that Sinema chick was the sorority senator.

      • Private Chipperbot

        Hold on now. Let’s not rush to judge until we have all the angles.

        Photos taken over the next two years that DailyMail.com has chosen not to publish, include pictures of the two women showering together and kissing in a steamy bathroom.

      • leon

        BuzzFeed would have published the photos.

      • Bob Boberson

        “Buzzed would have published the photos if she were on Team R

        FIFY

      • Rebel Scum

        Sure, withhold the good shit.

      • Chipwooder

        Eh – I’ve fucked uglier women

    • Not Adahn

      The picture, captioned ‘Do you like our goat?’ shows a woman lying naked on her front on a sun lounger, with a baby goat in the background.

      Best. Timeline. Evah.

      • Rhywun

        Not a hyena?

    • R C Dean

      An Iron Cross tattoo. Jiminy buckets. Are you in a biker gang? What’s the story with that?

      The bong? Ay caramba. You’re not in an undergrad dorm. Vape your pot, like an adult, already.

      It will be really interesting to see if she gets re-elected after all this.

      • AlmightyJB

        Seriously though, it’s this dirt expose shit that keeps anyone cool from running for office. I’ve done so much crazy shit, I don’t even remember it all. Oh you say I did what? Don’t recall that but sounds like something I’d have done.

      • Akira

        I wonder what the effect would be if some candidate – early in their career – came right out and self-published a complete list of all the bad/questionable things they’ve done in life that could potentially be discovered. It would immediately take away the opponent’s ability to frame these things how they want.

    • Mad Scientist

      Unless she’s been proposing laws strengthening the punishments for possessing pot, or outlawing lesbianism, I don’t see why any of this matters one bit. The only thing here that reflects poorly on her is her relationship with someone who works for her.

      • AlmightyJB

        And her husband sounds like a cuck.

      • Not Adahn

        Meh, he said he was cool with her bringing in 22 yr old wimmen into the mix, but is divorcing her over her banging a dude on her staff.

      • AlmightyJB

        Interesting. The whole would youfmywife thing sounded like a cuck thing.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Just seeking approval and bragging.

      • Not Adahn

        I hope the reporter was “baa”-ing at her.

      • Private Chipperbot

        Trying to get her goat?

      • Sean

        Stop kidding around.

      • Akira

        Oh, nobody asked you to butt in.

      • Sean

        Rammed right on in here with that, eh?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I quickly opposed the Kavanaugh nomination because he is a threat to reproductive health, campaign finance reform, and our workforce. But now we’re talking about putting a serial predator up for a lifetime appointment in the highest seat we have in the U.S. That can’t happen. – Katie Hill

        Got no sympathy for her at all.

      • Bob Boberson

        I quickly opposed the Kavanaugh nomination because he is a threat to reproductive health, campaign finance reform, and our workforce the Bill of Rights. But now we’re talking about putting a serial predator architect of the Patriot Act up for a lifetime appointment in the highest seat we have in the U.S. That can’t happen. – Katie Hill

        What I wish everyone to include Rand Paul would have said about BK.

      • Bob Boberson

        HTML fail…”reproductive health, campaign finance reform, and our workforce” was supposed to be struck.

        *EDIT FAIRY BLESSES YOU*

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I don’t disagree.

    • Suthenboy

      Odds on her getting re-elected?

      • Not Adahn

        100% No way her constituents are going to let Trump force a stunning and brave woman from office.

      • Sean

        Still probably good.

    • leon

      Running people out of office for their nudies only assured that the ugly people maintain control over politics.

  18. AlmightyJB

    Time for a nap. Then Vikings and beer!

    • Rasilio

      wouldn’t vikings be more into mead?

      • AlmightyJB

        Well they’re going to need to be sober tonight. I, on the other hand, took tomorrow off and the wifey works late:) I actually have a bottle of Mead in the fridge. Might have that before heading out.

      • AlmightyJB

        Looks like I must have already drank it. Damn.

      • Private Chipperbot

        Your gut instinct said beer. And you’re getting beer. Go with your gut.

    • Gender Traitor

      It’s also cheap pizza night! Our local Papa John’s offers cheap pizza on Thursdays and on the day after a Bengals win.

      We get our cheap pizza on Thursdays.

      • Private Chipperbot

        Lions fan. Pizza Thursday it is!

      • AlmightyJB

        “We get our cheap pizza on Thursdays”

        Lol

      • leon

        “It’s also cheap pizza night! Our local Papa John’s”

        Perpetuating the pizzaria patriarchy?

      • Gender Traitor

        Proudly!

      • Gender Traitor

        (Well…it IS just Papa John’s, so we’re not THAT proud.)

      • Shirley Knott

        Not so much proud as uppity?

  19. Hyperion

    LOL, nice, BP!

  20. Larry Joe

    The payment in liquor is perfect!

  21. DEG

    Excellent! I like RDR.