“Beto is out! He’s out of the primary race!” the hat crowed. He farted with manic glee.
“Who?” Donald asked.
“Beto O’Rourke,” the hat said.
“Who?” Donald asked again.
“Tall guy, goofy-looking, got the panties of the Dems all wet? Especially the guys?”
“This guy is gay?” Donald asked.
“No, straight, just attractive to all the hopeless romantics in the left media.” the hair said. He was stretched out flat on the floor, basking in a sunbeam.
“But one of them is gay, right?” Donald asked.
“Mayor Pete,” the hair said lazily.
“And he’s barely gay,” the hat said. “He has a husband and so I assume he’s technically gay.”
“Like census form gay,” the hair said.
“Raising your hand and saying “present” sort of gay,” the hat said.
“Sleeping in pajamas gay,” the hair said.
“This is confusing,” Donald said.
“Unfabulously gay, Donald,” the hat said. “Respectable gay.”
“The sort of gay that dresses up for Pride by taking off his suit jacket,” the hair said.
“Barely detectable by our most sensitive gaydar units,” the hat said. “Even Warren–who longs to be a lesbian just so there would at least be something interesting about her–put on a rainboa for Pride.”
“Rainboa?” Donald asked himself, mystified. “Warren?” he asked the others.
“Elizabeth Warren?” the hair prompted. “We’ve been reviewing debate strategies against her for months?”
“Pocahontas, Donald,” the hat provided. “Big Chief Dripping Clam.”
“Ew,” Donald said. “Her. I will never sign a treaty with her. Not even one I know I’m going to break.”
“OK, good job, you got it,” the hat said encouragingly.
“So then who is this ‘Beto’ character?” Donald asked.
“Cory Booker’s boyfriend,” the hat said, chortling.
“I thought you said he wasn’t gay?” Donald asked.
“Everyone’s a little gay for someone, Donald,” the hair said.
“Like you’re gay for Big Macs,” the hat said.
“I like their secret sauce,” Donald said.
“That’s what Cory said about Beto!” the hat said loudly and laughed.
He kept laughing about his own joke for a long time, finally letting it dwindle to an occasional self-satisfied chuckle as the business of the Oval Office continued around him.
By god, SF, you’ve got the Donald pegged, ooops, the demos pegged. Excellent descriptive analysis of the present White House. Good show
SugarFree is pegging Donald?
Remember back in the before-times when candidate Trump was getting sodomized by Putin? Things were so much more innocent and indistinctly-characterized then.
Remember back in the before-times when candidate Trump was getting sodomized by Putin?
But that’s not gay. It’s just two men showing their admiration for one another with their bodies.
*begins round N+1 of “spectrum versus vector space” discussion”
A vector spectrum?
It sounds like a discussion that should fall somewhere on the spectrum… way over on the spectrum.
Somewhere over the spectrum
REEEEEEEEEE! up high
And the sounds that you drowned out
Ignoring a lullaby
“Who?” Donald asked again.
The faceless mob of candidates.
You know who has name recognition?
Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumble-meyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitzweimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?
E. F. Hutton?
Juan Guaido
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?
My dog comes when I call her name, so, my dog?
My dog comes when I open her food, so my dog’s food?
Ewwwww!
I think you just equated me to a can of dog food…
Ewwwwww!
I see what you saw there.
Hitler?
“Big Cheif Dripping Clam.”
So fucking brilliant that we’ll forgive the typo.
What typo?
(But, seriously, that typo made it through two different spell-checkers somehow.)
I am surprised you didn’t fix my post as well to make me look foolish. 😉
With great power, comes great responsibility…
Fun fact: the first spellchecker dictionary was compiled by Gunter van Cheif.
You have no idea how tempting it was to befoul your comment… something really in the spirit of drawing dicks, with a Sharpie, on a passed out person’s face.
But I demurred.
“Temptation…leadeth me not there, bro!”
It’s so much easier to make risky jokes when the audience subscribes to the NAP for the most part.
And when you’ve hidden the other’s murdering gloves.
@#$%ing NAP.
Classy, his best work yet.
Bigly good.
There is soooo much good in this one.
“Ew,” Donald said. “Her. I will never sign a treaty with her. Not even one I know I’m going to break.”
One of my favorites.
No easier opponent for Trump than Beto.
It would be kinda funny, in a “we are in a cosmic simulation” kind of way, if Trump lost to Beta in the general
Warren would be scary if she had any midwestern (by which I don’t mean Nebraska) appeal. I don’t think many in MI, WI, or OH would get out of bed for her. FL is beyond comprehension or prediction by any model I command.
It’s hard to predict if someone will get caught stuffing ballot boxes or not.
*AHEM*
Finding them in the trunk of a car. Thankyouverymuch.
/MN, WA
I am bigmacophobic.
Gross.
Seconded. I am a Baconator fan.
That is an excellent fast food burger. Undoubtedly in part because of the ketchup and mayonnaise on it.
When Hardee’s puts jalapenos on their thick burgers… Then all is right in the world.
Thicc?
No love for pulled pork?
I’m pulling it right now.
Thanks!
Sarah Connor?
“Big Chief Dripping Clam.”
…
*turns green and runs to restroom*
There’s a special sauce.
Or rancid.
That got an “oh sweet jeezus” out of me
Allegedly
A Florida man said two armed men invaded his home and were beating him when his wife, eight months pregnant, saved the day by shooting one of the intruders with a semiautomatic rifle, CNN affiliate Bay News 9 reported.
I’m surprised they didn’t toss a “without evidence” in there.
Those things need to be banned, the poor kid’s gonna come out with tinnitus.
Funny how the AR-15 just became a semi-auto and not an auto assault rifle that spews out 1000’s of rounds of cop killer bullets
^ I noticed that as well.
How has this not been posted yet?
https://babylonbee.com/news/archaeologists-discover-ar-15-cain-used-to-kill-abel
They are just relentless.
At publishing time, scholars had also discovered a ticket stub to the Joker movie nearby, suggesting Cain was a white male incel influenced by Joaquin Phoenix’s disturbing performance.
What an awesome closing.
“One of the men shot at her, sending her back into the bedroom to get the rifle.
“When he came toward the back door in her line of sight, she clipped him,” King told the CNN affiliate.
__________
https://www.ling.upenn.edu/courses/hum100/female.html
29 She who faces Death by torture for each life beneath her breast
30 May not deal in doubt or pity — must not swerve for fact or jest.
Goooooooood woman!
Did drugs fall out of the intruder’s ass?
Report is that his last words were asking the Cleveland Browns to be his pallbearers.
It would be kinda funny, in a “we are in a cosmic simulation” kind of way, if Trump lost to Beta in the general
That’s Libertarian Party candidate Beta, to you.
With his vice president, Abradolph Lincler?
One of my favorite movies is Midnight Run, particularly because of the back and forth between Grodin and DeNiro. Hat n’ Hair remind me of them.
I’m looking forward to the epic road trip during the campaign.
I love that movie.
Charles Grodin is awesome in it as always.
Same. I still own a DVD of that one. De Niro has proved himself to be a complete douche, but that is a great movie regardless. Everyone in it is great.
Dennis Farina as the mob boss is hysterical; the two idiots he sends to get The Duke are superlative. John Ashton as Marvin Dorfler is perfect. Joey Pants plays the bail bondsman to a T. And on and on. The writing is great. Yaphet Kotto as the douchebag, humorless FBI agent.
The scene where Grodin freaks out on the plane is just so good. And the payoff on that when he later tries to steal the plane…oh, mwah! /kisses fingers
It’s definitely in my top five.
Thanks for the latest installment overnight. I know nothing will ever happen, but man I’d like to see some assholes go down for that shit.
“He farted with manic glee”
The Hat is becoming more…Donald-like.
That last paragraph is gold. Hat is amazing.
Big Chief Dripping Clam
I am pretty sure that clam is dried up.
This…thing wants to control the entire economy and many other aspects of your life.
The beauty of her Health Care Program is that we will all look like her, except for the skinny people. I’m guessing there will be a lot fewer people wanting to sneak across the border.
What will happen to the skinny people?
The skinny people aren’t willing to eat the others.
So they won’t last.
“sandwiches”
but they’re so stringy…
She does not want to control, she wants to destroy.
STDs can strike at any age.
Must have been dormant for a while, though, right?
Because who would go there?
Uh, if I’m remember an earlier episode correctly, a certain Grandpa Gulag plumbed those depths…
And she just gives it away at casinos.
“Test my DNA now, motherfuckers!”
I thought he was being pegged? Perhaps I need to go back and re-read.
Charles Grodin is awesome in it as always.
see, also: Heaven Can Wait
My pararchute! It’s gone!
Elizabeth Warren’s Plan To Pay For Medicare For All: Spend So Much The National Debt Clock Rolls Over To Zero
Warren has since explained, though, that that mind-boggling cost is actually a part of the plan to pay for it. “If anything, I want it to cost more,” Warren told the press. “Because here is how we’re going to afford it all: We’re going to roll over the National Debt Clock to zero, wiping out all our debt!”
The National Debt Clock is a counter at One Bryant Park in Manhattan that records the ever-increasing national debt. Warren pointed out that it only has fourteen digits, so if they can get it to $99,999,999,999,999 and spend one dollar more, the number will reset to zero. “We’re only at a little over $23 trillion,” Warren explained. “So we have quite a ways to go. Hence my ridiculous Medicare for All plan.”
Snopes rates this as “Mostly True”
But don’t worry the conservatives will successfully conserve massive deficits
https://babylonbee.com/news/conservatives-successfully-conserve-massive-deficits
The Brits have some healthcare cost cutting methods I’m sure she would be interested in.
National Health Service (NHS) trust has announced that it will withdraw treatment from patients it deems to be racist or sexist.
Guess who gets to decide if you are racist or sexist?
Holy shit. I thought it was another Bee article. That’s scary shit.
Why else would anyone want to implement socialized medicine.
I bet the people they deny service for racialism are not going to then also be exempt from the brutal taxation used to finance the bureaucratic machine servicing the people (like a bull “services” a cow) good and hard.
How long untill supporting Brexit/UKIP becomes “Racist” and all of them are dropped from NHS? It’s not a Slippery Slope, when the people are running down that hill.
Well there is a bit in there about not letting a couple raise an adopted child because they were UKIP members.
Yeah, try harder, leon. They’ve already caught up to your satire.
Holy shit.
we pride ourselves on our commitment to equality which is a fundamental value of the NHS
You should pride yourself on curing the ill.
Too
hardexpensiveHuh.
No lampposts in Britain?
They’d have to use a CCTV tree.
I rode into London three hours ago
For supplies and a short friendly game of poker
While Smitty put some new shoes on
Old Dan before he goes lame.
I sat in a game at the Banker’s Saloon
Soon I had doubled my stake
The cards run like they’d been dealt by Lady Luck
They were just sealin’ my fate
A young asian lost more than he could afford
And accused me of dealin’ too smart
His words were too slow and he fell to the floor
With three slurs struck close to the heart
Oh, CCTV tree are you waiting for me
Waiting to take me away
I’ve done no wrong but the town cannot see
And so with my life I must pay.
You can tell that the article is fake news because it includes a picture of Lizzie Warren with her mouth closed.
She has to keep it closed until the children’s souls are digested. Otherwise they escape and go to heaven.
I LOL’d at the headline.
I made it all the way to here before LOLing. SF, you glorious bastard!
…and all the way to here before I barfed. SF, you son-of-a-bitch!
I try to give and take in equal proportion.
SF – this has to be one of your best lines. And that’s saying something.
He was inspired by seeing this guy:
I agree with the Penguin. Favorite line, and the competition, at least, was stiff.
This, right here.
See?
Not a real gay because libertarian.
Gay libertarians are the white men of gay people.
Thy tongue can utter here no lie.
Mayor Pete won’t be excluded from the ranks of the real gays because of that.
The number of “Is Mayor Pete Gay Enough?” articles are hilarious, though, at least from the perspective of a political minority that often eats its young over matters of doctrinal purity.
Since when has “straight-acting” become a disadvantage in the gay community? Perhaps, with the gender-fluid crowd.
I have to assume that, in some reaches of the crazyverse, lipstick-lesbians are already being unpersoned for being insufficiently gay.
I think they are still working on unpersoning any lesbians that refuse to sleep with transwomen.
More retardation out of the UK:
UK City Signs Off on Diesel Ban, Leaving Thousands With Second-class Cars
Gee, I remember when diesels were pushed for their MPG.
The diesels were doing a little too good on the MPG so they had to be gotten rid of.
I would still consider an oil burner for that reason.
Fault finding mission
California also has a distinct burden: Proposition 13, a measure approved by voters in 1978 that limits property-tax increases on homes until they’re sold. That’s been a boon for Baby Boomers who’ve lived in their houses for decades and aren’t assessed at anything close to their property’s market value. But it’s especially unfair to their children, who are in effect subsidizing their parents’ generation.
Prop 13 also created a fiscal incentive for many cities to favor new commercial development over residential construction—and heap fees on developers to fund budget gaps.
For decades, many Californians have just moved farther out of town to find cheaper places to live. But as climate change increases the intensity and frequency of wildfires—leading to devastation and billions of dollars in costs—officials may decide to put some areas off-limits for new construction.
——-
Not surprisingly, some residents aren’t waiting around to see what happens. In recent years, younger, less-educated and lower-income folks have led the exodus from the state, according to an analysis by the Legislative Analyst’s Office. They’re being replaced by high earners with graduate degrees in what amounts to a sort of state-wide gentrification.
tl;dr- Round up the usual suspects.
State-wide gentrification is a nice flourish.
So a sorta reverse Okie situation?
Fuck you, cut spending.
Ugh. Bloomberg really is garbage. At the same time they’ve been pouring resources into their crappy news reporting, they’ve let their core terminal functionality slump.
Of course, they got climate change in there too.
Ignoring the fact (right in the previous sentence) that the increase in wildfire damage might just be due to “mov[ing] farther out of town to find cheaper places to live. “
Your daily nut punch
https://kdvr.com/2019/10/31/boulder-county-sheriffs-office-sued-after-video-shows-inmate-being-tasered-while-strapped-down/
All for refusing to sign a ticket for smoking and having her dog off-leash
OFFICER SAFETY! OFFICER SAFETY!
Outdoors, it sounds like.
Friendly place.
Smoking is suicidal, just takes a really long time. Public smoking is even worse, ’cause the children
And yet it’s taxpayers who will be on the hook.
Procedures were followed, move along citizen.
“As of June 2013, Boulder County is regarded[by whom?] as one of the most liberal counties in Colorado. Republicans took less than 28% of the vote in Boulder County in both 2008 and 2012 and took only 22% in 2016.”
Shocking.
I’d be interested, very interested, to see police brutality rates by county political leanings.
That’s something I’ve noticed before, as well. When all of the stories about police brutality were making the mainstream press, I recall a story about an incident in South Carolina coming up. The difference was the cop was fired and prosecuted.
I’m not sure it’s a matter that Republicans are “better”, per se. It could be attributable to the fact that more affluent areas are more likely to be Republican and less likely to tolerate brutality. Of course, it could also be a matter that government workers unions, including police unions, hold more sway in Democratic areas.
But the important thing is that the Cops made it home safely
‘Curviest model ever’ Hunter McGrady gives sneak peek into new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoot
Fattest. Though, I suppose the fat bulges do “curve”.
*widens gaze*
+1
Anna Nicole Smith in her prime was curvy. That woman is obese.
Celebrating unhealthy obesity is no better than celebrating anorexia.
She’s so fat she curves the space-time continuum?
Did you know that every time you accelerate, you create an event horizon behind you?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bG-xu5H6plk
That’s just fat. Not even the good kind of fat. It’s the I eat Oreo’s for breakfast kind of fat.
This.
I don’t think the coked up, anorexic supermodel look is at all appealing either, but the mag is called Sports Illustrated. Is it too much to ask to feature models that at least look like they can sport?
You mean to tell me she can’t throw a shot put?
I think she competes in the Hammer Throw.
Eating competitions are now considered a sport.
How many wings you think she can throw down?
Land whales need love too!
“One bowl of Oreos…washed down with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.”
Yeah, I gotta go with fat. You want ‘curvy’, splice some genes from Anna Chlumsky and Demi Rose (yeah, I know a lot of it’s surgery… fuck you).
Then, give me a few million dollars and new girls’ phone #.
Curvy
YOU OMITTED THE PHONE #!
You also can’t have the few million dollars.
Damn it, damn it!!! I’ll just join the government!! Then you’ll see!!
I’ve already seen.
You may be too late, they already stole most of the money.
Jarflax:
It’s like most pyramid schemes, you have to get in early to take advantage of the schmucks trying to hop on later.
The other problem is after they crash the US there won’t be anywhere to enjoy the proceeds.
Neph: Fuck you for having a relevant dissenting point.
Also, the Browns suck. Frikken Broncos beat them.
BakedPenguin:
We’re laughing (and swearing) into our pints at the bars during the games. What the hell else can we do at this point? I thought the low points were going to be the shoddy passing and turnovers during the Patriots game. But the Browns were able to let us down one more time.
The Browns will get ’em next week Neph, it’s all coming together.
Neph: I think we all need to work for the massive breasted genetically engineered concubine, but I’ve been told I have ethical issues.
Also, other issues.
Hyperbole:
We’ve still got a chance for a winning season. That’s all I was expecting for going into the season…
If Kitchens can’t deliver that, the local press will probably be ready to hang him in effigy. The rumblings are already coming in trying decide who to blame: the GM, the first time coach, the sophomore quarterback, or the showboating receiver.
All of the above.
And red. Im in love
Is there nothing the SJWs can’t destroy !?
They’ve skinsuited enough institutions that the taxidermy industry must be booming.
a job application?
The medical term for “buttcrack” is “the intergluteal cleft.”
Sounds boring…
“I wanna tap your intergluteal cleft!”
Actually, it sounds like you are gonna spend a lot of time having to pull your own pud as your intended target opts out…
In more What The Fuck news:
James Dean, Who Is Dead, Will Co-Star in a New Movie About Dogs
Mark Roesler, CEO of CMG Worldwide—which represents Dean’s family and life rights among its many other deceased clients and their families, including sexy pinup Bettie Page, R&B songstress Aaliyah, Superman Christopher Reeves, and historical notables like Malcolm X and Amelia Earhart—has expressed cautious hopes for closing similar picture deals for departed members of the CMG roster.
“With the rapidly evolving technology,” Roesler said via press sheet, “we see this as a whole new frontier for many of our iconic clients.” Adding: “This opens up a whole new opportunity for many of our clients who are no longer with us.”
The Babylon Bee makes more sense that the real world.
This opens up a whole new opportunity for many of our clients who are no longer with us.
Not trying to go all “Ludite” but did anyone consider the ethics of this?
Too late. Star Wars already fucked that pooch
..and if you watched Rogue One’s credits…you will see a thank you to the family of the late Peter Cushing.
What about Carrie Fischer’s family?
Weekend at Bernie’s- The Sith Strikes Back!
“Yeah”
/paid off descendants
It just got very important for actors to read their contracts carefully. Better make sure your image/avatar/appearance is only being licensed for the current project.
Seriously. What if they put him in a Porno? or something? How do you know that the actor would have wished to be a part of that film.
I know Dead Hand and all, but i feel like a person could have some direction over how their non-satirical likeness is used…
I’ll have to think about it.
As long as Deep Fakes gives me porno of my favorite starlets, who cares what they think?
Nothing says they have to be dead. If the contract authorizes the use in multiple films, the actor could work once and then discover that the studio bought their image for the payment the actor expected to be for one job.
I’m not even concerned about that. The Actor signed the dotted line for that bill. I’m just saying that there are some ethical issues when you start to have long dead actors being ‘resurrected’ for performances they never agreed to.
I’m not even saying it should be illegal. Just think there are some ethical questions about the practice.
At least we’re moving on from mining Black Mirror for ideas to William Gibson.
/puts on mirrorshades
As long as Deep Fakes results in pornos featuring my favorite starlets, I’m good with this.
Meh, more intellectual property type BS, If someone can make a realistic digital version of a person, tough shit, as long as they aren’t saying it actually is that person, they can do whatever they want with it.
as long as they aren’t saying it actually is that person, they can do whatever they want with it.
That’s the issue i’m having with it.
It’s not that they are potraying that actor in a movie about the actor. They are making a film, saying they are going to be using an actor, who is long dead.
It has always been interesting to me that libertarians tend to believe that you deserve the fruits of your labor because you own yourself and therefore you own what you do with yourself, also believe that free markets encourage innovation by rewarding innovative ideas, and then somehow come around to ‘you can’t own anything intangible’, which guts the prior concepts.
Then they are lying and should be sued for fraud, I don’t know by whom exactly. I guess one could claim they really thought James Dean came back from the dead and made a movie, and upon finding out it’s just a simulation one could demand there movie ticket price back, and some cash for wasted time, popcorn and Jujyfruit money etc. etc…
With the way Hollywood accounting works, I can only imagine how they’ll define a project.
“Just one this one picture*”
*/picture includes the current film, all remakes, reboots, sequels, prequels, series, spin offs, side projects, multi-media tie ins, and books.
See The Three Musketeers from 1973.
The stars were shocked to find out the “movie project” they contracted to work on turned into two theatrical releases.
— The Three Musketeers (1973)
— The Four Musketeers: Milady’s Revenge (1974)
There was one script. Everything got filmed at the same time. The directory cut it into two standard length movies — 1 hr 46 min and 1 hr 48 mins.
One of my favorite authors wrote that script
That’s just stupid: actors aren’t real people.
Comment counts: All (1,248,100) | Mine (12,327)
Does that make me a 1-percenter?
How do you see those numbers?
It’s on the dashboard, under the list of recent comments.
It’s like you can’t even math. 1% would be 12,481 you lazy slacker.
I’m under 2/3%. I need to comment more.
I’m a 0.01%er.
“Libertarians” – or doctrinal libertarians – whatever they’re called, and intellectual property is always weird for me. It seems to me a case of not understanding the issue, or understanding one very narrow form of IP and working backwards and claiming that means all IP is “nonsense.” There are certainly aspects of what is now called “IP” that are dubious, but trademarks have existed since at least the Elizabethan era, and existed in the ancient world as well. There are some very famous cases dealing with “business reputation” and counterfeiting of someone else’s “mark” on the same goods, for which the law courts recognized an injury. In fact, business goodwill is the ultimate form of ephemeral “IP” and yet it exists, regardless of what that may mean to doctrinal libertarians. These things may be hard to measure, but there is no question that a business’ reputation can be ruined by lies/slander in the same way that a person’s reputation can be. Defamation itself is a recognition of an intangible personal asset known as “reputation.” You can’t go around calling someone in your community a pedophile just because you don’t like that person. There is no libertarian justification for allowing that: it’s nothing more than an extension of the NAP outward into the public economic sphere. I can’t spray paint “Hyperbole rapes women ever weekend using GHB” on the side of your car – but the issue isn’t simply the paint on the car and what that will cost to fix. It’s no better if I do it on a billboard that I paid for, particularly if I have no idea if it’s true or not; worse still if I know it’s NOT true.
This is begging for an article, if someone else hasn’t already enacted that labor.
Don’t forget copyright. Write a book, sell the first copy, and anyone who wants to can then scan it in and sell copies? I think it comes from the An Caps. They want to come up with ways to avoid any need for the State, so anything that cannot be handled without laws gets dismissed or hand waved.