The Hat and The Hair: Episode 140

by | Dec 11, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 197 comments

“Impeachment!” Donald bellowed from the Presidential Shitter. He flushed the toilet again and groaned and then flushed it again.

“Two articles!” the hat told him, inching away from the open door of the bathroom. Donald had stopped closing the door on the advice of counsel, but Rudy was never around to have to experience it.

“Can’t you leave me on the desk?” the hat heard the hair ask wanly between flushes. Then the gold toilet roared again.

“Ten flushes! Ten!” Donald yelled. “This is ridiculous!”

“We are going to have to prepare a defense for the Senate,” the hat said.

“I want a better toilet!” Donald said. “The President of the goddamn United goddamn States should have the most powerful toilet in the Free World!”

“It already flushes like a jet engine,” the hair shouted over the toilet flushing again.

“Then why isn’t it working?!?”

“Big Mac casserole?” the hat asked quietly. “Three pounds of pardoned turkey meat?”

“Poke it with something,” the hair said.

“With what?” Donald asked. “Poke it with what?”

“Don’t you have a poop knife?” the hair asked.

“Poop knife?” the hat asked, horrified.

“Still back in the old country,” Donald said. “The other side of the family ended up with it.”

“Poop knife?” the hat asked again, not wanting to believe his little fabric ears.

“It’s a knife you use to break up turds, you uncultured brute!” the hair shouted. “All the best families pass them down as heirlooms.”

“Is this a thing?” the hat asked. “Are you just fucking with me?”

The toilet flushed again and again before the hair answered, “Why would I make something like that up?”

“OMG, Donald! More fiber in your diet!” the hat screamed.

“I hate fiber!” Donald yelled. “It makes me shit!”

“THAT’S THE POINT!’ the hat yelled back.

“This is all pointless! You’re being IMPEACHED!” the hair told Donald.

“I HATE PEACHES!” Donald screamed.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

197 Comments

  1. CPRM
    • SugarFree

      Our minds are linked. Think about that. Or will I be thinking about it?

      • CPRM

        Once we find the other two horsemen the world is doomed.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Now that we know who Famine and Pestilence are, can we vote on nominations for War and Death?

        I’m going with Zombie John Mcain and Taylor Swift.

    • Sean

      Looks like collusion to me.

  2. SP

    Oh my.

  3. Fourscore

    I believed every word. Very good, SF. And fiber is a blessing

    • Swiss Servator

      “Then the gold toilet roared again.”

      I…I can hear that in my mind’s ear.

  4. leon

    “I hate fiber!” Donald yelled. “It makes me shit!”

    Blind Squirrel…

  5. Not Adahn

    his little fabric ears

    The Hat is related to Rufus and Trashy?!?!?

  6. Gender Traitor

    I seem to recall a different explanation of what a poop knife is…but I thinks yours may be slightly less unpalatable.

    • Jarflax

      If you use a poop knife as a palate knife all your art ends up shitty.

      • leon

        Modern Art would like to have a word…

      • Agent Cooper

        Tastes terrible, too.

    • Hyperion

      I’ve never heard of a poop knife before today. I must be an uncultured brute.

  7. Tundra

    “All the best families pass them down as heirlooms.”

    Lol.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Picturing a silver-handled, ivory-bladed cake knife with intricate scrimshaw of past relatives on the pot.

      • Swiss Servator

        Bet Donald gets one like this:

        Left with the Drumpf Family back in Germania…

        Old family heirloom:

      • The Last American Hero

        I think I saw the poop knife episode of Forged in Fire.

  8. The Late P Brooks

    “Ten flushes! Ten!” Donald yelled. “This is ridiculous!”

    The wimpiest toilet imagineable should easily handle the results of a diet comprised exclusively of Big Macs.

    • Swiss Servator

      *squints suspiciously*

      O, rly?

      RUSSIAN ASSET CONFIRMED.

  9. Suthenboy

    “That pipe is too big. You don’t need that.”

    “Why do you have to have so much engine? That’s just too big. You don’t need that.”

    “Why do you want a commercial size sink? You don’t need that.”

    “You over-do everything. You don’t need all of that.”

    “You don’t need a bigger washing machine, just put fewer clothes in this one. You don’t need that.”

    “Don’t buy hoagie buns instead of hot dog buns. You don’t need all of that.”

    On and on and on. I am sick of hearing that nonsense.

    I hate Mickey Mouse, chicken shit. When I want to get a job done I want to get it done, not fuck around with some dinky-ass, half-ass, cargo cult bullshit.
    I think this is the only country in the world where you can find waste water pipes bigger than 2″, a lawn mower powered by gasoline that actually cuts grass, a sink that doesn’t soak you and the counter top every time. you try to wash a spoon, etc, etc.

    Ok, I am just grumpy as hell this morning, that is all. Now give me a goddamned hot-dog bun wider than an inch and a half. What the fuck am I supposed to put on this one? It looks like it belongs in a Lego set.
    *feeds tiny fucking useless bun to dog*

    • leon

      Now give me a goddamned hot-dog bun wider than an inch and a half. What the fuck am I supposed to put on this one?

      really just giving the glibs ammo here.

    • Mojeaux

      Hoagie rolls, dude. Hoagie rolls.

      • Tonio

        ^This.

      • Agent Cooper

        Buns are for suckers. Especially hot dog or hoagie rolls that aren’t of the more artisan variety.

        I like less bread sitting there turning into a sludgy pound of dough in my stomach.

      • Mojeaux

        He asked what he was supposed to put on it. I assumed he meant chili, onions, cheese, relish, and the like. The bun is to hold all the fixings.

    • Hyperion

      It’s too early in the day to start drinking, Suthen.

    • creech

      I’d be happy if the number of buns in the package equaled the number of hotdogs in their package.

  10. Mojeaux

    Neither I nor my husband had ever heard of a poop knife until that Reddit dude went viral.

    • Pope Jimbo

      We can agree on this Mojeaux.

      In Minnesoda we call them Hotdish Knives.

  11. Tonio

    “I HATE PEACHES!”

    They do have fiber, after all.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    Do you believe in magic? Well do ya, PUNK?

    After years of deadly wildfires and a season of sweeping blackouts, a new poll of California voters finds most would impose major changes to the operations and control of Pacific Gas & Electric, a company beleaguered by sharp criticism and struggling to dig out of financial troubles.

    A UC Berkeley Institute of Governmental Studies poll conducted for the Los Angeles Times asked likely voters to choose the best path forward for PG&E, which filed for bankruptcy this year, citing the potential for $30 billion in liabilities from wildfires sparked by its equipment in 2017 and 2018.

    Fewer than 1 in 8 likely voters surveyed want PG&E to fix its own problems and maintain its current structure once it emerges from bankruptcy next year. Voters were surveyed last month — in the middle of wildfire season — and after PG&E had begun historic blackouts, intentionally leaving millions of customers in the dark to mitigate the risk of the company’s equipment starting blazes.

    “Californians are reading reports from the PG&E chairman and CEO that we’re going to be in this boat for the next 10 years and it’s going to take massive investments to make this safer,” said Mark DiCamillo, the director of the Berkeley IGS poll. “Should we just allow PG&E to continue making the decisions about the best way out of it? I think the public in that respect is just saying no.”

    I think they should turn over day to day operations to the California senate. That’ll smooth things out.

    • Mojeaux

      Pacific Gas & Electric, a company … struggling to dig out of financial troubles

      Go Galt.

    • Suthenboy

      What did commies use to light their homes before candles?

      I have no pity for a state whose revenue is raised by a department called the Board of Equalization. Fuck them. Starve, freeze, go dark. Fuck them. They are getting what they so desperately wanted. Equality!

      • Hyperion

        “What did commies use to light their homes before candles?”

        That’s why the poop knife became a treasured family heirloom.

      • leon

        Oh sure, but then what happens? All those californians are gonna want to leave. And do you think they will stop in Nevada? No they will come to the green desert valleys of Utah. And then I’m fucked.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        And people ask me how I stand the cold…

        It’s a blessing!

      • leon

        Donde Quedas tu?

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        MT

      • leon

        If Global Warming Keeps up, not even you will be safe.

    • Drake

      Who regulates PG&E? Who forced them to shutdown all their nuke plants at fantastic expense?

  13. CampingInYourPark

    I’m no spring chicken, but damn. the senate judiciary committee looks like they were dug up and propped up in their seats.
    I’ve lived my entire adult life with these same assholes flapping their friggin yaps for the TeeVee.

    • Hyperion

      Yeah. If you want real job security, just run for office as a democrat in any deep blue shithole. None of your constituents will even know your name, but they’ll just keep pulling the D lever, because they promised more free shit.

      • creech

        Unfortunately you have to first win the primary and all your opponents have been running the free shit/grifter gig for so long you’d never be able to compete.

  14. Rebel Scum

    Secret Nazi President

    Jon Cooper ??
    ‏Verified account
    @joncoopertweets
    Follow Follow @joncoopertweets
    More

    As Trump plans to sign an executive order classifying Judaism as a race or nationality, remember that in Hitler’s first written comment in 1919 on the so-called Jewish Question, he likewise defined the Jews as a race and not a religious community.

    I can’t count how many time Trump has referred to the Jews as a problem in need of a solution.

    • Rebel Scum

      times*

    • leon

      Well look at his Son an law. He’s jewish and Trump gave him the old ball and chain.

    • Naptown Bill

      Whoooo, boy, those replies. That’s a whole lotta stupid.

    • wdalasio

      From that same feed: “Donald Trump just called the FBI ‘scum’. Only a tyrant and a traitor would attack the government agency that has protected the U.S. from tyrants and traitors since 1908.”

      Yeah. You think Donald Trump is a Nazi and comparable to Hitler, but you want to lionize the secret police.

      • Swiss Servator

        Ask the Ghost of MLK what he thinks of the FBI.

      • wdalasio

        Well, obviously he was a tyrant and a traitor, Swissy.

      • creech

        Or any liberal back when J Edgar was running the gig.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The follow-up comment is classic.

      “Donald Trump just called the FBI scum. Only a tyrant and traitor would attack the Government agency that has protected us from tyrants and traitors since 1908.”

      Somebody doesn’t know jack-shit about the FBI and how it was ruled over by J Edgar and to what ends.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Weren’t Jews and Roman Catholics specifically forbidden from joining for a few decades under Hoover?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Blacks, communists, jews, catholics, etc…. etc….

        He was also notorious for holding files on politicians to blackmail them with. Files that never saw the light of day after his death of course.

    • Naptown Bill

      If these people are really that worried about Jew-haters maybe they should check out The Squad…

      • grrizzly

        It’s interesting that three members of the Squad endorsed a Jewish presidential candidate.

      • SugarFree

        Bernie is one of the good ones.

      • Hyperion

        Only commie Jews are good ones?

      • SugarFree

        And they like his hair.

      • Naptown Bill

        I wonder where Bernie stands on stuff like BDS and the pernicious influence of Jewish money in American politics.

    • Suthenboy

      “As Trump plans to sign an executive order classifying Judaism as a race or nationality…”

      He is? First I have heard about it.

      • Hyperion

        It sounds like a silly thing to me. So typical government do nothing bullshit. Much rather they do that though, might take away their focus on taking away our guaranteed rights for a little while.

      • Gadfly

        Yes, because there are some civil rights laws that only protect race and not religion, and he wanted to extend their protection to Jews.

  15. Swiss Servator

    “The President of the goddamn United goddamn States should have the most powerful toilet in the Free World!”

    HEAR, HEAR!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder
  16. Swiss Servator

    Japanese PM’s gold bidet?

    POTUS MUST HAVE BETTER!

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      And classier, no doubt

    • Gustave Lytton

      For $20, I wouldn’t expect that thing to work. Or be larger than a thimble.

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh, That’s the price for the plastic replica.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Not in gold, but the power to flush Trumpf’s problems down the drain

      https://youtu.be/qMZAUk8i4D8

      • Gustave Lytton

        Don’t go looking at how much a Neorest costs. It might as well be gold plated.

      • catchthecarp

        I had to look it up, pricey but the reviews on AMZ are solid…… It’s a water park for your butt! 🙂

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Picturing a silver-handled, ivory-bladed cake knife with intricate scrimshaw of past relatives on the pot.

    A hand cranked egg beater.

  18. Pope Jimbo

    Interesting take on the IG report. I had completely forgotten about the Dueling Memos from Nunes and Schiff a couple years back.

    • Pope Jimbo

      What Schiff claimed

      1. FBI and DOJ officials did not omit material information from the FISA warrant.
      2. The DOJ “made only narrow use of information from Steele’s sources about Page’s specific activities in 2016.”
      3. In subsequent FISA renewals, DOJ provided additional information that corroborated Steele’s reporting.
      4. The Page FISA warrant allowed the FBI to collect “valuable intelligence.”
      5. “Far from ‘omitting’ material facts about Steele, as the Majority claims, DOJ repeatedly informed the Court about Steele’s background, credibility, and potential bias.”
      6. The FBI conducted a “rigorous process” to vet Steele’s allegations, and the Page FISA application explained the FBI’s reasonable basis for finding Steele credible.
      7. Steele’s prior reporting was used in “criminal proceedings.”

      • leon

        I mean a few years late, cause by this point anyone who listens to Schiff and thinks he’s telling the honest truth is hopelessly lost.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The Page FISA warrant allowed the FBI to collect “valuable intelligence.”

        Which is completely beside the point.

      • leon

        Ends Like Justify the Means brah…

      • mindyourbusiness

        Why does the phrase, “lying sack of shit” occur to me?

      • Pope Jimbo

        That is the old and busted phrase. New hotness?

        “lying sack of schiff”

    • Pope Jimbo

      What Nunes claimed:

      1. A salacious and unverified dossier formed an essential part of the application to secure a warrant against a Trump campaign affiliate named Carter Page. This application failed to reveal that the dossier was bought and paid for by Hillary Clinton and the Democratic National Committee.
      2. The application cited a Yahoo News article extensively. The story did not corroborate the dossier, and the FBI wrongly claimed Christopher Steele, the author of the dossier, was not a source for the story.
      3. Nellie Ohr, the wife of a high-ranking Justice Department official, also worked on behalf of the Clinton campaign effort. Her husband Bruce Ohr funneled her research into the Department of Justice. Although he admitted that Steele “was desperate that Donald Trump not get elected and was passionate about him not being president,” this and the Ohrs’ relationship with the Clinton campaign was concealed from the secret court that grants surveillance warrants.
      4. The dossier was “only minimally corroborated” and unverified, according to FBI officials.

      I’m waiting for the MSM to come out with a long story about how Nunes turned out to be totes correct and Schiff was full of lies.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Maybe we should recall how supposed “civil libertarians” responded to the Nunes memo?

        The corporate press exists to propagandize, but for people who argue that they are above the fray and principled, fellating the FBI seems like a bad look.

      • grrizzly

        Here’s a handy list of quotes from journalists defending the Steele dossier and claiming that it was not essential to the FISA warrant on Carter Page.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I’m waiting for the MSM to come out with a…

        So, you’re saying you’re a patient man?

      • Pope Jimbo

        I’m a mental patient if I really expect them to correct the record.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Speaking of unflushable turds

    The NYPD’s case against a hemp wholesaler went up in smoke Tuesday — but what happens to the confiscated pot of pot now is anyone’s guess.

    The Brooklyn DA’s Office told a judge that it was dropping all six felony drug-trafficking charges against middleman peddler Green Angel CBD — because what cops thought was 106 pounds of illicit pot was actually legal hemp.

    At the time of last month’s bust, the Police Department crowed about the arrest — even tweeting a photo of the mounds of confiscated greenery along with two cops from Brooklyn’s 75th Precinct, saying, “Great job by Day Tour Sector E.

    “They were able to confiscate 106 Lbs. of marijuana, and arrest the individual associated with the intended delivery,” the department glowed.

    ——-

    [Oops- not actually teh Devil Weed]

    ——-

    Still, while the prosecutor said her office has no use for the hemp — estimated at being worth up to $60,000 on the retail market by Green Angel — she said the NYPD would hold onto it, at least for now.

    “Because the substance appears to have been imported outside of New York’s regulatory guidelines, the release of the property would be a determination to be made by the NYPD in consultation with the Department of Agriculture,” Row said.

    Prosecutors and cops say Green Angel did not have a required permit for the product.
    The assertion infuriated Green Angel’s owner, Oren Levy, and his lawyer, who got into a shouting match with a DA office spokesman outside court.

    Whaddaya gonna do, call a cop?

    • Hyperion

      “The NYPD’s case against a hemp wholesaler went up in smoke Tuesday — but what happens to the confiscated pot ”

      Well, not everyone knows the difference, looks the same.

      • leon

        Really, the cops should be able to win the case. It’s no fair that someone would traffic in things that look illegal things.

      • Hyperion

        Next thing, we’ll see the NYD proudly standing by a bunch of confiscated tomato plants.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Maybe a giant pile of oregano that they found back in the kitchen of Luigi’s?

    • Pope Jimbo

      Whaddaya gonna do, call a cop?

      Well, I guess that can’t do that. I guess they will just have to sit there hemping and hawing and hoping that the DA changes their mind and releases their stuff.

      • Swiss Servator

        None of that now!

        *narrows gaze*

      • Pope Jimbo

        *goes and lies down to rest up for the afternoon links*
        *dreams of a NG hat trick*

      • Swiss Servator

        I shan’t be around this afternoon…

      • Pope Jimbo

        I plan on bringing the Death Pun battle station online this afternoon. No matter where you go, you will know it when I demonstrate its capabilities.

        “I feel a great disturbance in the Glib. It is as if a million voices groaned in agony and were suddenly silenced. I feel that something terribly punny has happened”

  20. Hyperion

    This is your brain on journalism. Just say no.

    JOURNALISM!

    This is also your brain on journalism. Just say no.

    Grettel

    • leon

      It’s been a long time since i’ve seen a Thomas Friedman article. Is he still sucking chicom dick?

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      The only people scummier than corporate journalists are those that they exist to protect

    • Rebel Scum

      I say: President Trump not only should be impeached, he must be impeached if America’s democracy is to remain intact.

      Grade on American government: ‘F’

      But it could make sense if the ‘d’ is capitalized and refers to to the Democrat Party.

      *Skims the rest*

      I’ll give them credit explicitly stating that is editorial. But that person is not living with us in the real world.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That’s pretty harsh for a guy who yearns for the efficiency of Chinese Communism.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      Impeaching a president is the most consequential thing our Congress can do — other than declaring war.

      And they haven’t declared war in ‘pert near 80 years why would they do anything else “consequential”?

    • Agent Cooper

      That Greta thing ain’t cultish at all. AT ALL.

  21. wdalasio

    I’m really starting to think we’ve gone through the looking glass. We’ve entered an age where “journalists” are claiming competing news outlets are threats to national security. Even in the dumbest days of Bush post-9/11 bombathon, I don’t remember this level of insanity being thrown about. At least not in mainstream quarters.

    • Hyperion

      A few years ago, I seem to remember them wanting to create a journalism license, only to be handed out by government (the Obama admin). I wonder why they stopped wanting that?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        They wanted government bailouts for corporate press outlets. The only bailout that would be less popular than bank bailouts would be newspaper bailouts.

    • leon

      In 1984, George Orwell wrote his imagined dystopian regime “told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears,” but Fox News has actually figured out a tactic even more pernicious: Fox News’ own masters of Orwellian doublespeak, its Hannitys, Carlsons, and Doocys, the ones who smugly declare down up and up down, aren’t even bothering to tell their viewers to ignore their eyes and ears, because the truth never even approaches their airtime.

      Let’s hope that Fox News today, unlike in Orwell’s world, doesn’t manage to succeed in transforming our country from a functional democracy into an authoritarian cult.

      This dolt doesn’t even know who wrote 1984.

      • wdalasio

        You know, there’s a dark part of me that almost wishes bastards like these would get what they want. Only to find power centered in a guy who makes Trump look like a sweetie pie. Watching them twist in the wind with the knowledge that it was precisely the policies they demanded would lend some element of justice.

        Then I remember the rest of us would be subject to the same regime.

      • Swiss Servator

        If I was Ray Bradbury’s Ghost, I would haunt them!

    • Pope Jimbo

      Uffda. That was quite the deal. I’m not sure I’ve read much that was as silly as that. The main thrust seems to be that Fox News is using the 1st A to undermine US democracy, so the only smart thing to do is to censor them.

      On a side note, it is impressive that Wired is still a magazine and that they continue their streak of never being right about anything.

    • leon

      The facts of both dramas were clear to objective viewers: In the one instance, there’s conclusive and surprisingly consistent evidence that President Trump pushed Ukraine to concoct dirt on a domestic political rival to affect the 2020 presidential election, and in the other, Justice Department Inspector General Michael Horowitz found that the FBI was proper to investigate Trump’s dealings with Russia in the 2016 presidential campaign.

      But that set of facts is not what anyone who was watching Fox News heard. Instead, Fox spent the night describing an upside-down world where the president’s enemies had spun a web of lies about Trump and Ukraine, even as Horowitz blew open the base corruption that has driven every attack on the president since 2016.

      Being as i’m the only person in this conversation that has actually looked at the executive summary i can tell you this.

      The IG concluded that the FBI has basis to initiate an investigation into Carter Page.

      The IG also concluded that the FBI failed by a large measure to meet the standards required with requesting and presenting information for the FISA court.

      • Pope Jimbo

        For those of us who don’t feel like doing their homework, what was the basis that they supposedly started the investigation into Carter Page?

      • leon

        A tip from a Friendly Foreign Government (the brits i think) that Trumps Campaign guy was saying the Russians were willing to release information detrimental to Clinton and Obama.

      • grrizzly

        Really? Horowitz used the same story for Carter Page as for Crossfire Hurricane?

      • leon

        I might be crossing streams here. That is what i was talking about. the IG said that Crossfire Hurricane started due to the tip and that that was a valid reason to look into Trump campaign.

        The FISA and indepth investigation of Carter Page was not warrented. Or at least the FISA warrent was fraudulently attained.

        Of course, with government that falls under “Mistakes were made, procedures were not followed, we will fix them next time.”

      • leon

        the Crossfire Hurr icane team opened individual cases in August 2016 on four U.S. persons-Papadopoulos, Carter Page, Paul Manafort, and Michael Flynn-all of whom were affiliated with the Trump campaign at the time the cases were opened.

        This may be where i conflated the two.

      • leon

        In other words, the FBI met their requirements for initiating an investigation, but not the requirements for the tools they ended up using.

    • Rebel Scum

      The network’s furthering of lies from foreign adversaries and flagrant disregard for the truth have gotten downright dangerous.

      But enough about CNN.

    • Rebel Scum

      Let’s hope that Fox News today, unlike in Orwell’s world, doesn’t manage to succeed in transforming our country from a functional democracy into an authoritarian cult.

      Grade on American government: ‘F’

      And holly hell the lengths they were going to in that article. . .

      And when did ‘Wired’ become an apparatchik of the Democrat Party?

      • pistoffnick

        “And when did ‘Wired’ become an apparatchik of the Democrat Party?”

        Wired went from writing good tech articles to becoming a fashion magazine for Silicon Valley (complete with perfume samples stuffed in between the pages).

        F’n Conde Nast

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        About the time they started putting Barack and Michelle on their covers. Most of those issues were dedicated to sucking Obama cock like good fan-bois.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Generally speaking, I believe presidents should be elected and removed by the voters at the polls. But when I hear Trump defenders scream, “Impeachment subverts the will of the people,” I say: “Really? What the hell do you think Trump was doing in Ukraine?” He was subverting the will of the people by scheming to use our tax dollars to knock out his most feared opponent in the coming election — rather than trusting voters to do that.

    The only reason the plot was aborted was that a whistle-blower from the intelligence community drew attention to the president’s plan, forcing him to release the money to Ukraine — moments before his shakedown exploded into public view. Trump was like a bank robber with a gun to a teller’s head, who suddenly heard the police sirens approaching and ran off before he could stash the money in his bag.

    Good gravy!

    • Pope Jimbo

      Law is going to become very interesting if you can now be convicted for things you didn’t do (because you feared be caught and prosecuted).

      Look at a good looking gal? You are now guilty of rape. We know you had impure thoughts and the only reason you didn’t rape her was because you knew you’d get caught.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Well adultery at any rate according to the good book.

  23. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    Russia Fever Dreams are now less legitimate and more divorced from reality than “Bush Did 9/11”. And every single outlet, save for a few individuals who used common sense, peddled it like it was gospel.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    This dolt doesn’t even know who wrote 1984.

    It was Horace Greeley.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Francis Bacon.

    • blackjack

      Eddie van halen?

  25. Hyperion

    The real reason I will vote for Trump in 2020 is that I want to enjoy the agony and suffering of all the hysterical assholes who have been suffering for the past 3+ years. That’s just not enough suffering, they need more.

  26. Spudalicious

    OMG. Poop knives and the comments have given me a larf I really needed today. Thank you Glibs.

  27. The Late P Brooks

    From that Wired link:

    In the one instance, there’s conclusive and surprisingly consistent evidence that President Trump pushed Ukraine to concoct dirt on a domestic political rival to affect the 2020 presidential election

    SRSLY?

  28. Raston Bot

    correction: 78, not 77, 2A sanctuaries in Virginia. another 9 counties have meetings/hearings tonight. only 1 of those 9 scheduled for tonight leans NO.

  29. kinnath

    On Slate’s main page:

    Why Do So Many Regular Heartland Voters Live in a Bubble?

    Should I click and see why I am a monster in their eyes?

    • Akira

      Haha yes, not like those cultured Leftist elites in New York City and San Francisco. They’re always willing to listen to alternate points of view. No bubble there.

    • kinnath

      Well, I just had to do it:

      The backlash to Obama’s presidency, of which Trump’s nativist 2016 campaign was an expression, finalized the realignment of U.S. political parties. One is a multiracial coalition, and the other is a vehicle for white cultural and racial grievance. The former does tend to have more mass support than the latter, but that advantage is negated politically by the disproportionate power allocated to white, rural states by the Senate and Electoral College, the reality-free zone established by Fox News and associated right-wing media outlets, and the existence of party primaries. Elected Republicans don’t cooperate with elected Democrats because they don’t have an incentive to.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I’m always surprised how people become “RAYCISST!” by default the minute they stop voting Democrat.

      • kinnath

        There hasn’t been a Republican backlash against Trump’s abusive immigration policies or nominations of extremist judges. Republicans like what Trump is doing; why would they vote for Joe Biden or Pete Buttigieg?

        A lot of Democratic voters know all of this. Polling information is available to everyone. Obama’s presidency happened in public. News reports about the intransigence and conspiratorial mindset of Trump supporters are everywhere. Biden and Buttigieg are appealing to voters who either don’t follow the news or have chosen to ignore its lessons, particularly the older ones who had their expectations set during eras in which structural factors made cross-party support more common. Many of these people live in Iowa, New Hampshire, and other putatively noncosmopolitan* places and, for all I know, work as firefighters and schoolteachers. But that doesn’t mean they don’t live in a bubble, too. To premise their votes on the expectation of a cleansing nationwide disavowal of the MAGA belief system, they have to forget what their Republican neighbors and fellow citizens have been saying and doing for years. For God’s sake, Iowa is the place where Rep. Steve King has been elected to Congress 12 times. Here’s a little homespun saying: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

        O M G! Corn farmers in western Iowa put dumb-fuck Steve King in office for 24 years. We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

        Of course, Iowa also put Tom Harkin in the house for 10 years followed by the Senate for 30 more. Dastardly Republicans.

      • Rhywun

        When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

        And yet somehow we wound up with 8 years of Obama anyway.

      • Rebel Scum

        That’s some mighty fine progjection and lack of self-awareness.

      • Pope Jimbo

        1. According to this guy we are a democracy
        2. The US is (for the time being) a majority white nation

        Put those two together and I think you have a case where those pesky minorities better shut the fuck up and mow my lawn. Because democracy means that the majority gets to say what the rules are.

        I’m pretty sure that isn’t what that guy thinks is supposed to happen though.

  30. Raston Bot

    after listening to Graham’s opening statement, the one big “he’s fucked” moment is when it’s disclosed that FBI lawyer Kevin Clinesmith forged an email from the CIA to the FBI stating that Carter Page was not a CIA source. that seems criminal.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Criminal for you and me, merely an error on the part of a government agent.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      In the late 90’s it was declassified that in the 60’s the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the CIA had presented the president a plan dubbed “Operation Northwoods” that called for false flag bombings on American cities that would be blamed on the Cubans and used as a pretext to invade the island. In response, Congress held no hearings on this information, no reforms were recommended, and no one still alive at that time faced any consequences.

      If they get a pass for suggesting that American cities be bombed to justify a war with Cuba then no one is going to be punished for lying to a secret court.

      • leon

        Hey. When your brainstorming you are not supposed to criticize anyone’s ideas, that hurts the open feeling your supposed to have when collaborating.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I didn’t mean to criticize. I meant to highlight that the intelligence community always gets away for heinous actions and we all just pretend like it never happened

      • leon

        Oh i was making a joke. Like that the CIA was just brainstorming ideas and so someone threw that one out. It would be one thing if that was the case.

        But no they no shit drew up an plan for it and pitched it to JFK.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Yeah, I’m slow

      • Fourscore

        “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”

    • Urthona

      Why did he do that? I’m not following that one.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        FBI asked the CIA if they had any info on Carter Page, CIA said “yeah, he’s one of our sources on certain Russians”. FBI agent said “fuck, that ruins everything” so he eliminated the part where the CIA said “he’s one of our sources” and just emphasized the part about how Carter Page had met with all these nefarious Russian businessmen.

        It’s actually rather clever

      • leon

        so he eliminated the part where the CIA said “he’s one of our sources”

        The truth is worse. According to the IG report he didn’t eliminate it. He changed it to say “He’s not one of our sources”.

      • leon

        Quote from IG report:

        Omitted Page’s prior relationship with another U.S. government agency, despite being reminded by the other agency in June 2017, prior to the fil ing of the fi nal renewal appl ication, about Page’s past status with t hat other agency; instead of including this information in the f inal renewal application, the OGC Attorney altered an email from the other agency so t hat the email stated t hat Page was ” not a source” for the other agency, which the FBI affiant relied upon in signing t he final renewal application;

        This is one of 10 additional (apart from 7 previous) omissions, inclusions (i.e half truths) and errors that the FBI did not correct in their FISA application to monitor Carter Page that mad their application wrong.

      • Raston Bot

        Why did he do that?

        he’s a complete “vive la resistance” type suffering from terminal TDS.

  31. Akira

    Has anyone ever just asked a Leftist, point blank, for an explanation of why this Ukrainian stuff (which maybe amounts to a nudge-nudge-wink-wink “you should help me make this guy look bad”) is so much worse than say, Obama instituting a kill list that includes American citizens who were never given a trial or any other kind of recourse?

    • Tundra

      I have. Office prog still doesn’t think the Lightworker did any such thing.

      • The Other Kevin

        Of course not. If it wasn’t on CNN, it didn’t happen.

      • leon

        TBF it was reported by the NYT, and they are known to have inaccuracies.

    • leon

      Here’s my thoughts.

      I think it looks bad. And I think it looks like what the Dems say it looks like. I also think what Biden did looks bad.

      I’ll be damned if someone is going to tell me one is fine and the other isn’t.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Of the two, Trump at least had some shred of a valid government justification, even if it was on the edge of corrupt. Biden was just straight up doing it for the dollah dollah bills.

      • Akira

        The two things I get hung up on:

        1) As you said, the Bidens obviously had a corrupt arrangement going on,

        2) Joe Biden is not even the nominee yet.

        So what we have is: Trump tried to use foreign aid (which eventually goes through anyway) as leverage to initiate an investigation (that ultimately never happens) into some obvious cronyism and corruption involving a guy who might be the nominee who runs against him in 2020.

        I’m sorry, it’s just absurd to me that THIS is what will get a president impeached. Not the secret kill list with American citizens on it, not letting the NSA run roughshod over our rights, but this. This flimsy bullshit.

      • grrizzly

        The power belongs to those who decide what corruption is. I first heard about this idea in the context of the Russian government: Putin decides on the rules what corruption is and changes them from time to time to his advantage. In the case of the US deep state, on the other hand, there are no rules other than whatever Trump does is corrupt by definition.

      • CPRM

        Biden had not even declared that he was going to run for the nomination.

      • Akira

        I thought that might have been the case, but I was too lazy to look up the dates.

        That’s interesting. I know Biden had been beating around the bush since he left office about running for president, but the timing of this whole thing raises the question of whether or not he announced his candidacy just so he’d have a nice diversion when the Burisma thing came to the public’s attention.

        *adjusts tinfoil hat*

      • LJW

        Sure the optics of how Trump went about it are bad. But there is plenty reason to be looking into the Bidens Ukrainian activity. We know the feds aren’t going to look into, so how do we go about investigating further?

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Ah, that’s when they selectively employ the ‘ol “whatabout” defense.

    • grrizzly

      Are you talking about a son of an Islamic terrorist? Who was a US citizen because he was born in the US but didn’t live here? Perhaps not the most sympathetic case of a US citizen.

  32. leon

    As i read more of the IG report i saw this:

    n Full Investigations such as Crossfire Hurricane, al l lawful investigative methods are allowed. In Preliminary Investigations, all lawful investigative methods (including the use of CHSs and UCEs) are permitted except for mail opening, physical searches requiring a search warrant, electronic surveillance requiring a judicial order or warrant (Title III wiretap or a FISA order), or requests under Title VII of FISA.

    Totally not the Gestapo/Stasis/KGB

  33. Rebel Scum

    It’s a discretionary fund but not for you.

    A federal judge in Texas has blocked the Trump administration from using $3.6 billion earmarked for the military to fund border wall construction.

    District Court Judge David Briones, a Bill Clinton appointee, ruled in an El Paso court Tuesday that the money cannot be diverted to build 175 miles of steel barriers along the U.S.-Mexico border.

    The El Paso County and Border Network for Human Rights sued the administration in October, claiming President Trump overstepped his authority when he issued a national emergency declaration to get additional funds for the wall — his signature 2016 campaign promise. …

    In September, Defense Secretary Mark Esper signed off on spending the $3.6 billion, provoking outcry from Democrats and immigration-rights advocates.

    Kristy Parker, an attorney with the nonprofit group Protect Democracy who represented the plaintiffs, described Trump’s declaration as a power grab.

    “Today’s order affirms that the president is not a king and that our courts are willing to check him when he oversteps his bounds,” Parker said in a statement. “This is a huge win for democracy and the rule of law.”

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      The one thing I agree with Trump’s critics about. But wasn’t this already adjudicated at the Supreme Court.

    • kinnath

      How did The El Paso County and Border Network for Human Rights have standing to sue the government over this?

      • leon

        In my ideal world everyone would have standing to sue the government at any time.

      • kinnath

        Mine too.

        We are not there yet.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        Because the judge wanted to be able to issue an injunction to prevent the admin from doing what the judge thought was bad.

  34. leon

    We found it concerning that Department and FBI policy d id not require the FBI to consult with any Department official in advance of conducting CHS operations involvi ng advisors to a major party candidate’s presidential campaign, and we found no evidence that the FBI consulted with any Department officials before conducting these CHS operations. As we descri be in Chapter Two, consultation, at a minimum, is required by Department and FBI policies in numerous other sensitive circumstances, and we include a recommendation to address this issue.

    Fuck those minor parties though.

    • grrizzly

      At least the Libertarian party was perfectly aligned with the deep state. No need to interfere with it.

  35. The Late P Brooks

    Has anyone ever just asked a Leftist, point blank, for an explanation of why this Ukrainian stuff (which maybe amounts to a nudge-nudge-wink-wink “you should help me make this guy look bad”) is so much worse than say, Obama instituting a kill list that includes American citizens who were never given a trial or any other kind of recourse?

    I am awaiting an explanation of why Clan Biden should be immune from scrutiny. Because if “being an elected government official” shields Biden, then it ought to shield Trump, as well.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      President Trump isn’t an elected official. He conspired with the Russians to mind control millions of people into stealing the election from the anointed one. Herself, Whose turn it is. As an usurper of legitimate power he doesn’t get protected like the others of our enlightened betters.

    • Akira

      I am awaiting an explanation of why Clan Biden should be immune from scrutiny.

      “Because he’s a political rival!! Trump is using the government to destroy his opposition!!!”

      Next time I get a traffic ticket, I’m going to declare my candidacy for mayor and proclaim on public access TV that the mayor is distorting the law to destroy the reputation of a political opponent.

      • Drake

        Do they even bother? They are an elite grifter family, of course they get a nice taste of the action when delivering $billion checks.

    • Raston Bot

      “WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH LOCKING UP CHILDREN IN CAGES??”

  36. leon

    As we describe in Chapter Five, the FBI ultimately did not seek a FISA order at t hat time because OGC, NSD’s Office of Intelligence (OI), or both determined that more information was needed to support probable ca use t hat Page was an agent of a foreign power. However, immediately after the Crossfire Hurricane team received Steele’s election reportin g on September 19, the team reinitiated their discussions with OI and their efforts to obtain FISA surveillance authority for Page, which they received from the FISC on October 21.

    • leon

      Well, they were producing information…

      I litterally LOL’d when he said that.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Well, they were producing information… We could have gotten from a Google search but had no bearing on anything.

      • Raston Bot

        #metoo

        i pictured him doing air quotes around information

        Well, they were producing “information”..

    • LJW

      No keep asking please keep asking!

    • Fatty Bolger

      Illegal warrants are OK as long as they work. And if they’re renewed, that’s proof that they were working.

  37. leon

    multiple factors made it difficult for us to precisely determine the extent of Comey’s or McCabe’s knowledge as to each fact that was not shared with and not included, or inaccurately stated, in the FISA applications. These factors included, among other things, limited recollections, the inability to question Comey about classified material because of his lack of a security clearance, and the absence of meeting minutes that would show the specific details shared with Comey and McCabe during briefings they received, beyond the more general investigative updates that we know they were provided

    LOL (emphasis mine)