“Pussies are bullshit,” Uncle Joe whispered into the child’s hair. Her mouth opened and a wailing gurgle began.
“Oh, I think someone’s a little overexcitabled,” he said, looking up at the parents. An aide whisked the child and parents away as the cameras continued to flash.
“Reminds me, reminds of the time I played the Santa for a bunch of bla-black kids in the barrio, which is what we used to call Starbucks,” Joe said. An aide sat another child in his lap to break off the incipient ramble.
“How are you, young man?” Joe asked the child loudly. The smells of denture glue and Hai Karate enveloped the little boy as Joe snaked both his arm around his thin torso hugged him until his ribs ached.
“Mr. Vice President,” an aide said sternly.
Joe’s eyes opened. “Did you get what you wanted for Channhooka, young man? Do you want to learn to swim?” He kissed the boy on the side of the head. “You don’t taste like you can swim. I have my own pool.”
The boy didn’t say anything. Fat tears were running down his face.
“Mr. Vice President!” another aide said. There were a dozen arrayed on either side of him. All armed with low-powered tasers.
“I love drinking pool water,” he told the reporters as the child was taken away. “Refreshing. I remember summer where I drank nu-nu-nothing but pool water. Hot pool water. Full of vitamins and sunlight!” He smiled his toothy grin, then frowned. He laughed suddenly and loudly. The low warning crackle of a taser could be heard.
“What do you want for Christmas, little girl?” Joe asked, pawing for the mother of the next child. He caught her wrist and pulled her into his lap before her husband could react.
“You’ve got fantastic tits for a 2nd grader,” he told the back of the woman’s neck. He rocked her tailbone against the base of his erection and moaned.
“The Vice President has a very full campaigning schedule,” tallest Secret Service agent barked. He helped the woman in Joe’s lap to her feet, a red flush across her neck and upper chest. The agent passed her to a waiting aide. He never bothered to learn the aide’s names. They rarely lasted more than a week.
“Don’t smoke The Devil’s Lettuce, kid!” Joe called after the visibly distressed woman.
“You either, bucko,” he said, pointing to the next child in line. “Don’t even think about asking Ol’ Saint Joe for intravenous drug bongs. I don’t go in for that sort of stuff, Jack!” The little boy took off running, evading the aide trying to put him on Joe Biden’s lap.
“Look at that little picaninny go,” Joe roared. “We got ourselves a track star!”
“We’ve been over this, sir,” an aide sat urgently into his ear. “You cannot use that word any longer!”
“TRACK STAR?!?” Joe asked loudly. Campaign workers were breaking up the line of waiting children and parents. “I can’t say TRACK STAB! Anymore?!?”
“‘Track star’ is fine, sir,” said the aide. “‘Track stab’ less so. No picaninny. Or mulatto or quadroon or octoroon or Negro or…”
“They love my leg hair, goddammit!” Joe said, pushing the young man away.
“Firebird is sundowning,” the aide said into his wrist. “I repeat, Firebird is sundowning.”
In the rendition room, Secret Service agents in clown masks read Trump Tweets to the parents of the children in order to keep their votes.
Huzzah! It’s a glibsmas miracle!
Being lazy today, got some fancy steaks to have a late lunch with. Did the family Christmas stuff over the weekend. I wanted to do a glibsmas special, but the audio I’ve found so far hasn’t inspired anything good. Peace and joy and such.
I thought flying home on Christmas day would be quiet. Wrong, every flight is full
That’s surprising. It’s usually a relatively quiet travel day.
And they reduced the number of planes to compensate.
We’re going to do hamburgers this afternoon. After doing a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with far more food than the two of us could eat, going with opposite for Xmas.
“Look at that little picaninny go,” Joe roared. “We got ourselves a track star!”
*outright, prolonged laughter*
The best part for me because I’m sure that is what he really thinks
Joe is transported in time from the 19th century and is trying to be relevant to 2020.
What are you saying?!!? “No Malarky” is outdated?!?! What kind of balderdash tom-foolery is that?!
“Look at that little picaninny go,” Joe roared. “We got ourselves a track star!”
If he doesn’t turn into a super predator first.
The word “pickaninny” has a rich, if tainted history.
Down the wiki rabbit hole led me to this
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-43954502
The echo of Cosell is reverberant and rich.
The pool where Lifeguard Joe and Corn “Ester Williams” Pop bonded over a pool chain?
https://youtu.be/5hfAEb0uQm8
That was great! I larfed good,
But wasn’t he the one afraid to cut the Cake?
Maybe, but he sure deserves to be in the lake.
Who’s going to wear those gypsy leathers ?
Old Aunt Sarah?
Sup Tres!
HEY YUFUS!
Merry HannuChristmaKwanzaa!
…and the solstice, too
It’s almost Samhein! I can’t wait for the Sacrifices!
What about the restivus?
Go air your grievances somewhere else.
*Applause*
Not trying to tell the master about his craft SF, but I think Uncle Joe is even creepier and deranged than you make him out to be.
For some reason, I like the extended universe better.
What did Gulag Barbie get for Christmas?
An illustrated copy of Mao’s Little Red Book.
Your tax dollars
A little built to scale Re-education camp to play with?
G/d bless us, everyone. Thanks for doing the voodoo that you do so well, SugarFree.
Half a pound of bacon, five scrambled eggs, toast, and a Dark Swan Sour Ale, hell yes!
Happy fun day Glibs!
Man, I gotta get me some Hai Karate, and maybe this shirt. No wonder all those women want Joe to grope and smell them.
Very awful, SF. Merry Christmas!
It’s funny cause it’s true,
Howdy!
Hey, Bob! Merry Christmas!
The Daughter got me snow cone for Christmas, a preroll of bubba Kush, dipped on wax, rolled in keef, wow.
BOB! Those are awesome; I’m really not a fan of joints but I cut slices off and pack them into the water pipe. G/d bless you and Wendy, and your whole family. I hope her convalescence is speedy and you are soon reunited. Have a great time with the grandkids.
I’m not a fan either, so thanks for the tip, and thanks to and all the Glibs for your blessings and prayers, we can us them,
Cheers!
Niiice. Merry Christmas.
The goooood stuff. Not that swill I brought with me, eh, Yusef? 😉
Watching a documentary on the Christmas Truce which never fails to choke me up with tears of anger and awe at how beautiful humanity can be.
Peace on Earth Good will to Men. Oh, and fuck war and those who make it.
“And They Shall not Grow Old” should be required reading for all military personnel and congressmen.
Viewing, not reading. My bad.
Definitely stick around for the post credit “making of” mini documentary.
I saw the documentary but it didn’t have the “making of” part at the end, which I’d really like to see. I try my best to get all my military buddies to read “War is a Racket” by Smedley Butler whenever they seem willing to engage.
I need to read this:
https://www.amazon.com/Great-War-Western-Front-Home/dp/1137471263/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=world+war+1+tooley&qid=1577299026&s=audible&sr=8-1
but sadly no Audible version 🙁
Smedley Butler was the effing MAN. I nominate him for his own piece in the “profiles of toxic masculinity.”
If you haven’t seen it, there’s a 2005 film called “Joyeaux Noel” about the Christmas Truce. Watched it earlier this week, from Netflix. Pretty impressive.
Hai Karate — it’s the little details like that that make these stories. I had forgotten how truly bad those commercials were; and now you’ve introduced them to a younger generation.
Exactly. Thanks for this SF. It hit all the right notes.
I got 2 things for Christmas (both if which I ordered myself but didn’t open til now). One is a wonderful plushy red robe, and the other is Thomas Sowell “Wealth, Poverty, and Politics.”
Day is now planned. 🙂
Oh and a lovely brooch from one of you Glibs.
You know who you are.
Do enjoy your day, the Sun came out just now, thanks for sending your weather our way, it’s clammy and cold,
Merry Christmas!
Just poured my first of many, many egg nogs. My wife has spiked it perfectly. After breakfast, I see myself taking a nap.
Is that the tattoo you told us about last night?
Yes 🙁
I’m going to look at this on my computer later. It’s not so bad on my phone but I have a feeling it won’t look better when bigger. Full disclosure: I’m not a tattoo fan.
It looks OK on you, but I’m sure it’d be a mistake on Epstein. No matter the name of his pet.
+ Fly The Friendly Skies
“The boy didn’t say anything. Fat tears were running down his face”
I can picture that. The memory every boy has when the fat unmarried aunt would catch me (you) (him) from behind and seem to never give up the hug. The embarrassment, all the women and cousins, watching, laughing.
And when your big, fat great aunt wanted to pinch your cheeks. To this day I don’t understand why they did it. Seems sadistic.
I had an aunt who never pinched my cheeks until the day I’d happened to have my wisdom teeth out and was I great pain.
Nice timing, Auntie!!
“Come give your Aunt Bunny a kiss“
“I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me.”
Some of these professors are so full of themselves. You’re a history professor, not a law professor. They are related but still distinct. Grrrrr.
https://twitchy.com/brettt-3136/2019/12/24/history-professor-says-mitch-mcconnell-has-zero-constitutional-authority-to-decide-shape-of-impeachment-trial/
1. Synder is an expert on the Holocaust.
2. Trump is literally Hitler.
QED
Sadly, I think that is the full explanation.
Why is the guy in the ad running from the beautiful woman chasing him? Isn’t that the (theoretical) point of wearing Hai Karate.
He did end up in bed with her. Plus, he vandalized a department store. Overall, I would say “Mission Accomplished”.
Because the chase scene is funny and interesting and gives the pitchman lots of time to talk over the action. Also, changing societal mores of the time – the commercial was pushing limits.
And the murphy bed ending is a brilliant way for them to end up in bed without ending up in bed. And the bed closing provides a convenient ending. Advertising of the sixties really did produce some spectacular media.
After cleaning up the kitchen from the wonderful brunch spread Mrs. T. laid out, we have settled down to watch Hogfather. This Christmas is a bit different for us as we won’t be opening presents until after a late dinner. My daughter is working a 12-hour shift, 7 to 7. My son is a good egg, he refuses to open anything until she is present.
Huzzah Baltimore. Huzzah.
https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/baltimore-on-track-to-break-record-for-most-homicides-in-a-single-year
“I won’t be coming home for Christmas”?
Record? maybe there’s still hope for these guys.
relevant?
Xmas music
https://youtu.be/mMjoI6FTlxo
That’s right. It’s Wednesday. Wouldn’t be Wednesday without Sugar Free.
Just wait till the PM lynx get here….
SP is typing them out and cackling hysterically. Though that could be the day-drinking.
Heading to my folks place for dinner. So I won’t see the links until 8ish tonight.
Happy Christmas from Matt Ridley.
https://mobile.twitter.com/mattwridley/status/1209899940585115648?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Eembeddedtimeline%7Ctwterm%5Eprofile%3Amattwridley&ref_url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.rationaloptimist.com%2F
Are those the lies, the damn lies, or the statistics?
Okay, I laughed all the way through that. Merry Christmas, Glibbies! Time to pop a bottle of champagne and watch a movie.
Which one? Egly-Ouriet?
No, that’s New Year’s Eve. This is just a bottle of Navarro Brut.
I’d happily drink that.
It’s quite nice.
You’re making me feel all ghetto with my cheap-ass Prosecco. Still has cork, though!
This didn’t cost a whole lot more than your Prosecco.
Joe Biden is not the nominee
wethe democrats needed but the nominee we all deserve.I’m pretty sure nobody was laughing and cracking jokes when Hildog was the nominee. That was some somber assed shit, especially when she was predicted to win. Of course, Biden is not the projected winner.
Biden v Trump would be a win-win for libertarians. Either way we end up with a cartoon character that further erodes peoples faith in the executive branch of government and in the media. Biden in the WH and the over-the-top gaffs would have the media spinning themselves silly vainly attempting to give him cover.
And I agree, unlike Hillary, who’s almost pure evil with a little stupid mixed in, Biden is mostly stupid with a dash or two of evil
Good definition, BB
I am still thinking of writing in somebody. Zardoz and STEVE SMITH both come to mind, but I am open to writing in a Glib. I have almost complete freedom out here. Trump would not get our electoral votes, even if running unopposed. While he is better than the Dems, he is a squish on the 2A and his trade wars aren’t helping.
I can’t vote for any of the Dems. The LP is nominating who? If it is Flake or Amash I can’t pull the lever for them. Sooooooo, that leaves write-in for me.
Does HI allow (unapproved) write-ins?
I dunno; who does Tom Woods like?
Jacob hornberger. Hes the man.