‘Twas the Night Before Glib-Mas

by | Dec 24, 2019 | Fun, Literature | 198 comments

‘Twas the night before Glib-Mas, and, purged of endorphins,
Not a creature was stirring – not even the orphans.
Booby traps and alarms were set, in fear
That old rapist STEVE SMITH might decide to appear.

The Glib Ones were nestled, each snug in their bunk,
Each Glib Girl and Anarchist, and reg’lar old punk.
Both I and my mistress, who looked really super,
Were succumbing to an alcoholic stupor.

When, all of a sudden, ere I could rebuke,
Our Glib-house was hit with the force of a nuke!
(I exaggerate, of course, but still, I was shook up
And upset at the interruption of my hook-up.)

I ran to the window and threw open the pane.
Dark clouds had gathered, the moonlight did wane –
And above the night wind’s blistering howl,
I heard a voice; no, it was more of a growl:

“ALL OF YOU TROLLS, BE READY FOR TAKEOFF!
STEVE SMITH GO IN HERE, THEN WE WILL MAKE OFF
WITH THEIR GIFTS AND PRESENTS AND CHRISTMAS BOOTY –
ALL TROLL FLIGHT CREWS ATTEND TO YOUR DUTY!”

I cowered in fear, for from childhood I knew
Of the legend of STEVE SMITH and his murderous crew –
Eight ugly trolls pulled his magical sled;
The very sight of them filled grown men with dread.

I stood frozen in fear, stuck right to the floor
And heard massive footprints approaching my door;
Then, at the last moment, dived back of a chair –
My door was kicked open, and then, standing there

Was STEVE SMITH, in all of his horrible glory,
His dank body hair matted and gory.
He possessed two incredibly bloodshot eyes;
Oh, and a phallus of enormous size.

The creature turned and gave me a wink,
And just as I was beginning to think
That I was a goner, now it appeared
Perhaps things would not be quite as I feared.

Instead, he turned his attention to see
All of the Glib-gifts under the tree.
Then it hit me like a clap of thunder –
His purpose and intention to plunder!

All the things we had bought, he stuffed into a sack,
Our unopened presents, he proceeded to pack.
All of the firearms, sex toys, and lube,
Our home-brew kits, our blow-up dolls – hey, rube!

This was our whole holiday he was stealing,
But as I stood there, I had the feeling
That if I tried to stop him, he’d pound me, I knew
Into a greasy little pile of goo.

So while I stood cowering, tame as a mouse,
The creature went all about the house
Taking all that he wanted; why, he even took
Every Ayn Rand and Hayek and Mises book.

When he was finally done, he heaved a great sigh,
And again fixed me with a bloodshot eye.
Though the beast seemed to be in a jovial mood
I had only one thought: Holy crap, I am screwed.

But as I stood there trembling, my mouth agape,
The monster assured me: “DON’T WORRY, NO RAPE –
STEVE SMITH EXHAUSTED AFTER LONG NIGHT OF THEFT.
ALMOST FEEL SORRY, YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT.

BUT REMEMBER THIS: GLIB-MAS NOT ABOUT EARTHLY THINGS
BUT FREEDOM AND ALL THE JOY THAT IT BRINGS.”
With that he stepped out, with his large pack fumbling,
To his sled and his slave-trolls all a-grumbling.

Within moments the over-burdened sleigh
Rose into the sky, and then away –
Leaving only a horrible stink.
“No one will believe this,” I started to think.

I was up the rest of the night explaining;
I really don’t think I deserved the caning.
Ah, well. As STEVE SMITH said, as he vanished from sight,
“MERRY GLIB-MAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”

 

 

About The Author

wchipperdove

wchipperdove

Southern, but not a gentleman. Obsessed with vintage pop culture.

198 Comments

  1. creech

    Lovely. I remember, too, long ago the S.I.L. magazine did a libertarian goof on “Christmas Carol” where the last line, from Tiny Tim, was “I’ll buy my own damn crutches!”

  2. Timeloose

    Great!!! Very fun.

  3. hayeksplosives

    Bravo!

  4. Timeloose

    I’m watching die hard. Christmas Eve tradition.

    • hayeksplosives

      Oh, hells ya!

      Then go on Netflix and watch “the Movies that made us” to see the wonderful behind the scenes tale of the making of Die Hard.

  5. Not Adahn

    Merry Glibmas everyone! Even to the conservatives!

    • PieInTheSky

      even Q?

      • Not Adahn

        Glibmas is for all – Christian, heathen or Jew
        As it’s for HM, then of course also Q

    • hayeksplosives

      Just not those damned statists, ami rite?

      • Mojeaux

        Glibs taught me conservatives were statists down deep in their authoritarian souls.

      • PieInTheSky

        you know what you did !

      • hayeksplosives

        If conservatives had properly conserved the original intent of the Fathers, I’d still be one too.

      • TARDIS

        That’s why I just call them Cons now.

      • Hyperion

        Today’s conservatives seem to be conservative only in the way of ‘keeping everything exactly like it was 20-30 years ago’. Most of the people I know who call their self conservative are strongly pro law enforcement and strongly pro drug war. Most of them are pretty good economy wise, but that’s about where it stops, except the 2nd amendment, I’ll give them that. Otherwise they’re sort of like progs in that while they claim to be pro-liberty, they actually are only pro-liberty on things they like and want to ban everything else. The only real difference in conservatives and liberals has been about what they want to ban or not ban. Lately though, the so called liberals just took it to a completely different level with the identity politics and the hard move left. Conservatives are pretty much like they were 20 years ago, I like muh beer, but if you smokin some that funny stuff, we’re going to toss you in the rape cage. That’s why I’m not a conservative.

      • Akira

        Most conservatives I’ve met (and this could be the difference between our opinions) have at least some concept of limiting government power and following the Constitution, whereas the “progressives” don’t have those principles at all. They’ll talk the talk about them when they think it’s to their benefit, but they’ll trash them the rest of the time. They think the Constitution is just some polite suggestions and limited government is an evil racist idea that prevents them from stamping out everything they don’t like.

        I know they’re both pretty bad, but if I had to convert someone to libertarianism, I’d much rather start with a conservative than a “progressive”.

      • Hyperion

        “I know they’re both pretty bad, but if I had to convert someone to libertarianism, I’d much rather start with a conservative than a “progressive”

        Oh, I agree on that. Then you’d at least have a chance.

      • Hyperion

        But most of the time I can’t get past this point:

        Me: Cannabis should be legal.

        Conservative: But… but… I have kids!

        Me: I didn’t say legal for kids. Alcohol is a drug too, how’s that different?

        Conservative: It’s different! You can have a glass of wine with your dinner, but you can’t smoke that wacky stuff with dinner! It’s only to get high!

        Me: Yeah, I know, right now you’re having your 3rd bottle of wine with you dinner…

        Conservative: Damn hippies!

      • banginglc1

        Most conservatives i know have come around on pot. But mention using the same principal to legalize any other drug and it’s the end of the world.

      • Hyperion

        “Most conservatives i know have come around on pot. But mention using the same principal to legalize any other drug and it’s the end of the world.”

        They’ll be supporting red flag laws too as long as it doesn’t affect them. Most people care about their own liberty, just not about other peoples.

    • Festus

      Must be satire.

  6. PieInTheSky

    Jingle bells trshmnstr smells UnCivil laid and egg the glib mobile lost a wheel and Tulpa got away

    • egould310

      Fantastic! I sip this bourbon in your honor. Cheers! And Merry Christmas!

      • Festus

        I can’t believe that English is his second language. Once again, I cop to being the dumbest of the Glibs.

      • egould310

        I am seriously in awe of Pie and his understanding of American vernacular. Probably helps that he associates with us cretins.

        Merry Christmas, Festus!

      • Tonio

        He is truly our Joseph Conrad.

      • Trigger Hippie

        “Once again, I cop to being the dumbest of the Glibs.”

        Challenge accepted, sir.

      • DEG

        “Once again, I cop to being the dumbest of the Glibs.”

        Challenge accepted, sir.

        What’s a challenge?

      • Trigger Hippie

        I don’t understand the question.

      • Mojeaux

        Wait, are we talking uneducated or making stupid life choices?

      • UnCivilServant

        Maybe lack of a voice.

      • banginglc1

        yes.

      • PieInTheSky

        I mean I am just paraphrasing cartoons but merry Christmas to you lot.

      • UnCivilServant

        *holds up glass*

        *stares at empty glass*

        Darn.

  7. Tundra

    *rises to applaud obnoxiously*

    Beautiful, dude!

    Beautiful.

    • Fourscore

      Very slowly rises to applaud outlandishly, quickly sits down.

      Merry Christmas to all, especially STEVE SMITH.

      /Whispers to Glibs, “Tell STEVE SMITH I’ve moved”/

      Thanks, Chipper, you da man!

  8. Tres Cool

    Author! Author!

    • UnCivilServant

      I never got that. What in the world are people calling for when they shout that?

      • Not Adahn

        The author of the piece to come out and take a bow.

      • UnCivilServant

        Sounds like a setup.

        Chipper, don’t come out.

      • TARDIS

        Someone trying to lure him out for STEVE?

      • Gustave Lytton

        STEVE SMITH ALREADY IN THE CLOSET WAITING FOR YOU. HE LIKE DARK HOLES IF YOU KNOW WHAT HE MEAN.

    • wchipperdove

      My name isn’t Arthur, it’s – dear God, I almost said it!

  9. WTF

    Most excellent!
    Merry Glibmas, everyone!

  10. Mojeaux

    Beautiful! *wild applause*

  11. Sean

    ? it.

    *Insert opera applause gif*

  12. Not Adahn

    Jacket potatoes are proof that God doesn’t intend for us to be keto.

    • PieInTheSky

      meh

  13. TARDIS

    Nice job, Chipper. Right up there with Al Bundy.

  14. hayeksplosives

    Rand Paul is a fucking national treasure.

    Senator Rand Paul
    @RandPaul
    ·
    23h
    I’m BACK with more #Festivus airing of grievances! While I was gone I was watching the highlights if the last few Democrat Debates. Let me tell you President Trump should be scared. I mean, these people would make formidable opponents for…

    haha ok no, sorry. I can’t do that with a straight face. These debates are a clown show but the clowns are Not intentionally being funny.

    The Democrats spend an awful lot of time talking about diversity and minority rights considered their only diversity is that they are multiple different 70 something on stage. And they have different haircuts.

    • Aus

      Haha, thanks for the reminding. Funny stuff!

      @RandPaul
      “Looking back at that last tweet I probably should narrow that down. Bolton. I’m talking about John Bolton. Not all the other hawks the President hired, didn’t listen to, got mad at and fired. Neocon Apprentice really wasn’t very well thought out…”

      “Thankfully though, the President usually does listen to his own instincts, which on foreign policy are pretty good. Though if you ask him, he will insist they are PERFECT.”

      • Hyperion

        Best thing that could happen, been saying for a while, is if Trump listens to Rand more often. Rand can just let bad orange man take all the credit and it’s all good.

    • Aus

      OMG, hahaha

      @RandPaul
      Don’t worry though, these guys are all over the problem of young people smoking. They want to stop 14 year olds from vaping, so they raised the age to legally vape or smoke from 18 to 21…

      If that last sentence made any sense whatsoever to you, congratulations!!! You’re crazy enough to run for Congress!

      Congress does do some good things. For example, I partnered with Mitch McConnell over the last few years to legalize hemp, which has been a pretty big success. But you should have seen the first meeting we had where I explained what hemp was to Mitch

      He was very concerned that people could smoke hemp and get high (you can’t). I told him well maybe but it would have to be the size of a telephone pole. I think he’s still confused.

      I feel responsible though because after all of this, he became “Cocaine Mitch.” So maybe Cannabis is a gateway drug after all…

      • Hyperion

        “They want to stop 14 year olds from vaping”

        And give them the right to vote.

      • Akira

        Congress does do some good things. For example, I partnered with Mitch McConnell over the last few years to legalize hemp, which has been a pretty big success.

        Well that’s not so much in the category of “good things Congress does” as it is “Congress undoing something that it never should have done to begin with”.

        /nitpicking pedantic ass

      • Hyperion

        I’m telling you, Rand should just give bad orange man all the credit for all this. Then Rand will get more sway over him, because Trump is all about gloating about his success. Hopefully Rand figures this out. I think that praise and taking credit for stuff is what Trump cares most about. Just let Trump build the world tallest building behind the Whitehouse in exchange for several things that libertarians want.

      • hayeksplosives

        I’m sure Rand fully understands this. It became clear that he knows how to butter Trump up and he uses that to lead him to correct decisions now and then.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It doesn’t hurt that they actually do seem to like each other although it’s hard to tell what’s real and what isn’t in politics. I’ve let friends talk me into doing all kinds of things I never would have done on my own.

      • hayeksplosives

        I’ve let friends talk me into doing all kinds of things I never would have done on my own.

        Go on…

      • Mojeaux

        I’ve never met a dare I wouldn’t take, while my friends always chickened out. 10/10 would do again.

        Me = stupid?

        Them = pussies?

        You decide.

      • Hyperion

        Looks out the window and sees Wizzleteat’s tongue stuck to the flagpole, gets another been and pulls up chair by the window.

      • Hyperion

        Damn type-os ruining everything already. Beer damnit!

      • Jarflax

        I’ve never met a dare I wouldn’t take, while my friends always chickened out. 10/10 would do again.

        You say that here?

      • Mojeaux

        No, you don’t get any stories.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Heh, I’m afraid it wasn’t anything sexy, just stupid guy stuff like Hyp says. I knew trying to take my old Willys through that swollen creek was a mistake but they talked me into it type stories mostly. Paul seems to have a better head on his shoulders than my friends though and is probably better counsel.

      • Tundra

        “I’m kidding stoners. Don’t @ me.”

        LOL!

      • Aus

        Haha.. yeah I wish I included that one.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    What happens when the wind stops?

    It snows.

  16. compgrokker

    *applause* Nice job, Chipper.

    Merry Christmas from one of the perpetual lurkers.

    • Nephilium

      Merry Christmas to you too Tulpa.

    • wchipperdove

      Whatevs, Tulpa.
      And Merry Christmas to you and yours.

  17. Hyperion

    LOL

    “Not a creature was stirring – not even the orphans.”

    Wait… isn’t the norm to just throw a few orphans out the window as sacrifice so STEVE SMITH GO AWAY?

    • Not Adahn

      STEVE SMITH NO LIKE RAPE ORPHANS. SKIN TOO CLAMMY FROM MINING. STEVE SMITH LIKE RAPE HIKERS. SMELL LIKE PINE, NOT MONOCLES.

      • Hyperion

        Dress them up in hiking clothes and rub them down with pine needles before tossing out the window?

  18. Brett L

    I love it. Just excellent

  19. DEG

    Glib Girl

    WAIT A MINUTE! There are libertarian women?

    • Mad Scientist

      Sure there are. Just like Santa Claus, gremlins, and Eskimos.

    • Mojeaux

      No.

  20. DEG

    I like it.

  21. Festus

    Fuck off, Tulpa!

    • 61North

      Fuck you, Tulpa.

      • Hyperion

        Exactly what Tulpa would say.

    • wchipperdove

      I’m TulPoppy.

      • C. Anacreon

        That’s Tulpascetic.

      • TARDIS

        Better than Tulpathetic I’d say.

      • Not Adahn

        I can always sense the Tulpae. I have tulplepathy.

  22. 61North

    Hell yeah, snow today and tonight then a high of zero the next few days.

    RIP my gas bill.

    • Festus

      East wind can fuck right off.

      • hayeksplosives

        I have been on a Sherlock Holmes kick lately. Got addicted to reading them at age 10. My first major “save up” purchase was William S Baring-Gould’s “The Annotated Sherlock Holmes.”

        In the story set prior to WWI, Holmes says to Watson “There’s an east wind coming all the same, such a wind as never blew on England yet. It will be cold and bitter, Watson, and a good many of us may wither before its blast. But it’s God’s own wind none the less and a cleaner, better stronger land will lie in the sunshine when the storm has cleared.”

      • hayeksplosives

        Too bad Conan-Doyle was wrong about the last sentence.

    • Hyperion

      “Hell yeah, snow today and tonight then a high of zero the next few days.”

      I couldn’t take any more of that shit, which is why I got out of the Midwest.

      • UnCivilServant

        It is currently 84 degrees in the office. Both desk fans are going and I’m still suffering. If the humidity were anywhere above 16%, I’d be dead.

      • Hyperion

        AC? It’s a real thing.

      • UnCivilServant

        Not in winter when there’s what seems like a single thermostat for the whole building.

      • Akira

        They kept our office fucking freezing last summer. We seriously had to wear winter coats and scarves inside. The maintenance guy claims that he had to keep the temperature there “to freeze out the humidity”.

        Fortunately I moved to a different department in another part of the building where the temperature is quite tolerable.

      • UnCivilServant

        The region of the building my cube is in is a solar oven, even with the curtains drawn. The facilities will not turn on the building wide AC units when other parts of the building need heating to stay unfrozen. Whoever designed the climate control system here… well, it’s not even good enough for government work. I hope they paid well in kickbacks.

      • 61North

        I think that good weather rots peoples brains. Not sure how else you can explain California.

      • MikeS

        Be nice, buddy!

      • UnCivilServant

        Look, high temperatures make me cranky.

      • We're not saying BEAM's an alien, but . . .

        That comparison only makes sense if you replace “Canada” with “British Columbia and those provinces that are run by the Laurentian Elite.”

      • 61North

        Too many English and defective French.

  23. egould310

    “ PRESENTS AND CHRISTMAS BOOTY”

    *Lights HM signal*

    • Festus

      egould unwrapping the present and eating ass like HM!

  24. westernsloper

    Superb! Happy Glibmas. And to take a cue from Rand I will now air my Glibmas grievances. Fuck it they are too long to list so ……….GET OFF MY LAWN!

  25. MikeS

    *wipes away solitary tear*

    *gives each orphan a thimbleful of eggnog*

  26. Hyperion

    I like this Glibmas idea as well. Now we just have to elect the right Supreme Overload so that a truck load of orphans, hookers, blow, and Mexican ass sex shows up on our doorstep every Glibmas morning.

    • UnCivilServant

      Free shit? Fuck off, Slaver!

      • Hyperion

        Look, no one said it was free, our orphans worked hard in the diamond mines for that stuff!

      • UnCivilServant

        Then you don’t need a supreme overlord to organize it.

      • Hyperion

        You’re already denying that there’s a real GlibaClaus who flies around in a nuclear fusion powered flying car delivering joy and hedonism to Glibs?

      • UnCivilServant

        Keep that up, and you’ll be cannonized.

      • Hyperion

        Wait… wut? You’re the Hat?

  27. JD is Unemployed

    1. Whistlestop “I did a thing” post:

    Why is Christmas eve the peak time for plumbing SNAFUs? I just had to rush out to the shed and machine a bung to thread into the end of an old hot water feed for a washer that doesn’t exist because the ball valve upstream won’t seat. That’s only a tangential symptom of my screwing around looking for the cause of why I nolonger have any hot water in the kitchen. Plumbing is common sense and to heck with paying some union goon holiday rates to get his pipe wrench wet. Gay. Oddly enough while out earlier I watched a plumber get a wet towel out of his van and wring it out. It turns out that was prophetic as I now have six saturated towels myself.

    2. Continuing the prog/space rock tangent from the morning links:

    I don’t disagree.
    I can see Space Rock as a sub-genre in Prog. Look at Yes 😉

    Funnily enough I had to rush out earlier after reading that reply (and before the averted plumbpocalypse), and I turned on the radio to hear this from Chris Squire’s Christmas album, featuring Steve Hackett on guitar. It’s not very good :/

    3. I enjoyed this post and I am now going out to tolerate my family and drink.

    • hayeksplosives

      “ I am now going out to tolerate my family and drink.”

      Not necessarily in that order…

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, I was thinking that one of those out of necessity might come first in that order.

    • Mojeaux

      Why is Christmas eve the peak time for plumbing SNAFUs?

      Please don’t jinx me. That happened last year.

      Now we don’t have a home warranty because we canceled it after we went to the bankruptcy lawyer, and we haven’t been foreclosed on yet.

      *bites nails*

      • hayeksplosives

        I’ve had no fewer than 2 staff members have major plumbing issues in the last 2 weeks.

        It’s not even cold enough for burst pipes, for the love of Pete!!

      • Mojeaux

        Let me tell you. That home warranty was the only thing that kept us in this house this long.

    • wchipperdove

      “rush out to the shed and machine a bung”

      You British and your delightful euphemisms.

  28. We're not saying BEAM's an alien, but . . .

    I don’t know if he’s still around, but this is for OMWC, as is this and of course, this.

    And for us cool-cat goyim, a little ditty by The Bobs.

    God Bless us, every one! (For “God,” please substitute Imaginary Sky Daddy, Dog or Religion is the opiate of the masses! as appropriate for your personal opinion/disability/hobby-horse . . . ).

    • We're not saying BEAM's an alien, but . . .

      Oi! MODERATORS!

      Would someone please release my post from “awaiting moderation” Hell? Thankyoukindly.

  29. Festus

    Funny that. I don’t have any Festivus grievances for you sorry lot. Not a one. Told you that I was the stupidest Glib! Maybe the imaginary Glibs could start being hotter, and female. Other than that I’ve really got nothing.

  30. MikeS

    Apropos of nothing, SiriusXM’s Rockin’ Christmas channel is a little light on the rockin’.

  31. wchipperdove

    Thanks for the kind words. I didn’t know SP was going to run this old thing again this year.

    • MikeS

      It’s a Glib family tradition!

      • wchipperdove

        Glib family in the sense of Manson family

    • AlmightyJB

      “people talking about tarring and feathering politicians in a less-than-joking manner.”

      Well if they want to start a go fund me for bail money, I’ll contribute.

      • Jarflax

        Wait other people are joking when they say that?

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, it might be Hyperbole.

    • Trigger Hippie

      ‘”The reason is because my fellow law enforcement officers I’ve heard on more than one occasion tell me they would not enforce these bills regardless of whether they believe in them ideologically,” Woods said, “because they believe that there are so many people angry — in gun shops, gun shows, at bars we’ve heard it now — people talking about tarring and feathering politicians in a less-than-joking manner.”

      As Woods mentioned politicians themselves could very well be in danger because of their decisions, several rebel yells broke out as the crowd cheered him on.’

      Well look at that, something warmed my cold, black heart today.

      • Hyperion

        “people talking about tarring and feathering politicians in a less-than-joking manner.”

        I don’t know that I’d go that far. Wouldn’t that gum up the woodchippers?

  32. The Late P Brooks

    Lachowsky, is that you?

    The Liberty Steel Group has made a $28 million bid to buy the Bayou Steel Group and reopen the recently closed LaPlace plant.

    According to a release from Liberty Steel, Bayou Steel Group’s bankruptcy firm has named them the preferred cash bidder, and they expect to complete the deal on Jan. 31, 2020.

    Liberty’s current plan is to upgrade and modernize the idle steel mill and restart recycling operations in the second half of 2020 and steel making in 2021.

    “While the plant requires upgrades to be restarted competitively, we see good potential for the business,” Executive Chairman of GFG Alliance Sanjeev Gupta said. “Bayou benefits from reliable access to supplies of recycled steel, competitive power prices and its own deep-water port.”

  33. The Late P Brooks

    It’s a Glib family tradition!

    Like drizzling a teaspoon of bacon grease on the Orphan Chow.

    • wchipperdove

      Look at Mr. Extravagant over here….

      • AlmightyJB

        What’s with the Patsy Stone child pic?

      • Gustave Lytton

        New legal smoking age.

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, no shit, the wife said she was going to put a splash of Karo on their gruel but I told her that’s just going too far even if it’s Christmas.

      • UnCivilServant

        If your karo splashes, either you’ve been cheated, or you’ve used way too much.

      • Jarflax

        If you are counterfeiting corn syrup you may have hit peak cheapskate.

      • banginglc1

        Well, if you’re just using it for orphans who cares. in fact, just pour water on their gruel and tell them it’s corn syrup.

    • banginglc1

      Hey, just because you spoil your orphans doesn’t mean you should get my orphans hopes up!

  34. kinnath

    Six gallons of Sourwood Mead in bottles. Next task, getting 5 gallons of Tupelo Mead into bottles.

  35. AlmightyJB

    Very nice. Closest I’ve come to the Christmas Spirit this year.

    • UnCivilServant

      keep moving and the rapesquach might not catch you.

      • AlmightyJB

        He’ll have to get in line.

  36. Trigger Hippie

    Wunderbar!

  37. Cannoli

    Merry Christmas Glibs!

    We just finished our Christmas celebration with my in-laws, and now we’re driving back to Atlanta to visit with my family. We should make it in time to go caroling (we’re not very good, but we give the neighbors apple pies that are very good, so everyone’s happy).

    • TARDIS

      There’s another glib in the state of Georgia? I’m not alone! ?

  38. mexican sharpshooter

    You’re a sick man wchipperdove.

    Don’t ever change.

  39. The Late P Brooks

    As Woods mentioned politicians themselves could very well be in danger because of their decisions, several rebel yells broke out as the crowd cheered him on.’

    Wait, what?

    Politicians only “serve” with the consent of the rabble? That’s crazy talk.

  40. Ed Wuncler

    Happy Glibmas, Glibs!

    I’m currently in Cleveland Heights, OH, in my wife’s uncle’s basement finishing up some work before quarter and month end. You haven’t truly lived until you’ve done journal entries while buzzed on Great Lakes beer.

    • Nephilium

      How long are you in town for? And the Christmas Ale I trust?

      • Ed Wuncler

        We’re in town till early Thursday morning. I went to the Browns game this past Sunday with my father in law and my two brother in laws. The result was sad but it was pretty awesome sitting in the 11th row of the Dawg Pound.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Three days later…

      “What insane asshole mischaracterized these expenses? Now I’m going to have to spend the next week straightening these accounts.”

      • Ed Wuncler

        30 percent of my job is correcting former employees shitty mistakes. I remember I had to rec out a 2.5 million dollar deal and the revenue recognition was FUBAR. The worst part was that my senior and I got grilled on it by some auditor from KPMG even though we had nothing to do with booking this deal but because it was part of the product line we worked on, we were accountable for explaining the deal.

      • Ed Wuncler

        rec = reconcile

    • Hyperion

      “You haven’t truly lived until you’ve done journal entries while buzzed on Great Lakes beer.”

      so… how many times did the word ‘woodchippper’ appear in your latest journal entry? *waiting to score Ed on libertarian purity test*

      • Ed Wuncler

        At the very least…20 times.

      • Hyperion

        Great, only me and Ron Paul finished ahead of you.

  41. banginglc1

    Ughh . . .I guess I should go change the oil in the truck while I have the time and an unseasonably warn 50 degrees out.

    • banginglc1

      And done . . . .Power steering fluid was low. I don’t know why, I couldn’t find any signs of a leak. I don’t have any fluid, so it will remain low for now.

  42. Timeloose

    Getting ready to fire up some Irish coffee for me and the Mrs.

    • DEG

      I had some bourbon in my tea earlier. I plan to have a Maibock later.

    • hayeksplosives

      I believe I hear the sounds of my third mimosa prep from the kitchen…

    • TARDIS

      …and then you’re going to the gym, or taking a nap? [old joke]

  43. Ozymandias

    Love the poem, wchipperdove. Very, very well done.

    Raising a glass to all of you Glibs I’ve met IRL: SP & OMWC, Akira, SugarFree, Yusef, Mexican Sharpshooter, and the gentleman whose handle is not a word but a picture of a dagger made of commas and semicolons, I believe – thank you for your time and friendship.

    To the rest of you Tulpae from the internet, including Q, Mojeaux, Tundra, Hyperbole and Hyperion, 4×20, Gustave, TH, DbleEagle, Switzy’s Gaze, DEG, Gustave, and all the rest of you fake people, including Rapesquatch Extraordinaire Steve Smith and Zardoz: Thank you for creating and sustaining the Worst Chatroom on the Internet. You’ve made my life richer (somehow).

    Much love these holidays.

    P.S. Fuck off, Tulpae

    • DEG

      Thanks Ozy. I hope your holidays are good.

      • Ozymandias

        Thanks, DEG. In the sticks of Missouri right now with the wife and in-laws on the family farm. Wonderful chillaxing while the kids run around on the acreage to the “hideout” (treehouse) that granddad built. Downright bucolic, I’d say.

      • DEG

        That’s not bad at all.

        Tomorrow I drive to Pennsylvania. We’ll see a) how my back and leg do with five to six hours in the car and b) how my sanity handles driving through Connecticut. Connecticut doesn’t last forever, it just feels that way.

      • Suthenboy

        *Looks at map*

        It is a state? It is only as big as a medium county.

      • Ozymandias

        I-95 in CT is perpetually under construction.* It is known.
        *At least it has been since I was in high school, which feels pretty close to perpetuity from this side of 50.

  44. Animal

    Merry Christmas from Colorado, one and all!

    • Animal

      Except Tulpa. Fuck off, Tulpa.

      • 61North

        Shut up, Tulpa.

      • Not Adahn

        Bear fight!

    • DEG

      Merry Christmas!

    • Ozymandias

      Cheers, Animal. Really enjoyed your writing this past year, from Allamakee Chronicles to the pieces on guns. It’s appreciated.

  45. 61North

    Well, time to go drink and watch my buddy and his gf snipe at each other. That prime rib better be outstanding. Underrated plot of the evening will be me inevitably shit talking his sister at some point since we were together for almost six years.

    God bless you all!!!!

    • Ozymandias

      That’s a solid, but not completely, dysfunctional Xmas. Heartily approve.

  46. Not Adahn

    Might as well join in. I have a bottle of some ginger beer. You’re supposed to mix that with rum, right? I seem to remember that in South Africa, they mix it with lager into sort of a shandy, but I don’t have any beer or beer-adjacent beverages.

    • DEG

      Yes.

    • westernsloper

      Vodka and lime juice. Moscow Mule yo.

  47. Bob Boberson

    I’ve seen a few of these signs in front lawns in my neighborhood:

    IN THIS HOUSE, WE BELEIVE;

    BLACK LIVES MATTER
    WOMEN’S RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS
    NO HUMAN IS ILLEGAL
    SCIENCE IS REAL
    LOVE IS LOVE
    KINDNESS IS EVERYTHING

    Any chance we can get a Glib printing of signs that say:

    MURDER AT THE HANDS OF THE STATE IS STILL MURDER
    NEGATIVE RIGHTS ARE THE ONLY RIGHTS
    NO VICTIM, NO CRIME
    SCIENCE IS NOT BASED ON CONSENSUS
    TAXATION IS THEFT
    SELF-OWNERSHIP IS EVERYTHING

    • Hyperion

      Racist!

  48. Ozymandias

    That’s a pretty good list. I might make the second one and put it up somewhere on a whim with a camera, just to see the quizzical looks it gets.

    • Ozymandias

      And I Brooks’d it.
      (Merry Christmas, Brooksy!)

  49. Hyperion

    DO NOT GO TO THE MALL

    Is there any bigger reason why Amazon is doing so well?

  50. Bob Boberson

    DEG- Since you are here now I’ll give you my beer reviews so far:

    Young’s Double Chocolate Stout: Pours and looks like Guinness in the glass in both color and head. Tastes like Guinness (dry stout) with balanced flavor of dark chocolate. Will buy again.

    Innis & Gunn Bourbon Barrel Porter: Pours a dark red-brown with little head. Sweet booze/winey taste with a little bourbon bite finish. Not bad but far from my favorite of Innis & Gunn’s offerings, would opt for Irish Whiskey Cast Stout or regular Innis & Gunn given the option.

    Monks Blood Dark Belgian: Pours a dark brown, almost black, with a tan head. Not much smell, a hint of spice and caramel. Slightly syrupy feel mouth feel. Taste fruit and coffee undertones. Boozey and sweet, and not as flowery/spicey as other Belgians I’ve had. Would buy again.

    • DEG

      Excellent. Thanks!

  51. The Late P Brooks

    Any chance we can get a Glib printing of signs that say:

    MURDER AT THE HANDS OF THE STATE IS STILL MURDER
    NEGATIVE RIGHTS ARE THE ONLY RIGHTS
    NO VICTIM, NO CRIME
    SCIENCE IS NOT BASED ON CONSENSUS
    TAXATION IS THEFT
    SELF-OWNERSHIP IS EVERYTHING

    LEGALIZE FREEDOM